Last Kiss Goodbye
by Venomis
Summary: When 15 year old Juan falls in love for the first time in his life, things are complicated by his infamous brother and nosy best friend who do everything they can to convince Juan that girls are only good for a fuck.
1. Petrified

_(Edited)_

 **PRESENT**

Juice knew he was as good as dead. Now that Gemma had turned her back on him, he was all alone. It was hard to tell what had brought him down this street, or why he was now standing in front of this house, with its natural stone walls and angular grey roof.

But it was for her. Once, there was a time she had always been there for him, no matter the shitty things he'd done.

But that was fifteen years ago.

Fifteen fucking years.

He knew it was ridiculous to think she would still be willing to help him, and even more ridiculous to believe that she _could_ save him from an outlaw motorcycle club. It was ironic. He'd left her because he'd wanted to keep her safe and now here he was bringing danger to her doorstep.

But he had to see her. Once more, before the brothers he'd betrayed found him and took him to meet the Reaper. He needed to look into her soothing eyes once more, had to see that pretty smile of hers for the very last time. He had to convince himself giving her up had been the right thing to do, that he'd done at least one good thing in his life.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. The thought she might be only a few meters away from him, made him feel light-headed. What would she do when she opened the door? Slam it right in his face? Would she pull him into her arms? The thought of her body against his; the skin of her cheek against him, filled his eyes with tears. His lips quivered. Oh, how he'd longed for that embrace, for her sweet whispers, and her gentle touch. He'd felt so lost without her. Not a day had passed without thinking about her. Did she still feel the same about him? Had she forgotten about him? Maybe she was married by now, had a family. Was he really about to ruin her life again? It was so selfish. His life was fucked up already, but did he really want to drag her along in his misery? Was he really going to throw these past years away, making his departure meaningless?

He was just about to turn around and stroll away, when his eye caught a movement next to the curtain. A small blonde boy was standing there peeking over the sill. He waved his little hand and Juice saw his lips move.

Juice's own hand was shaking as he waved back.

Then a second person showed up in the window. Her eyes grew wide as their eyes locked, and her face became pale as if she was seeing a ghost.

Juice couldn't move. He just stared at the woman who was only a few steps away from him. Her long copper hair hadn't changed a bit. Her face was fuller now and there were less freckles than he remembered, but he recognized her immediately and by her astonished reaction, she also knew exactly who she was staring back at.

Juice tried to smile, tried to move _at all,_ but it felt like his body was petrified and all he could do was stare at his lost love unable to break eye contact.


	2. Brokenness

_(Edited)_

 **PRESENT**

June's hand clung to the curtain. Her whole body was shaking as she stared at the man standing in the middle of the road, motionless as if he was a statue. Her hand drifted to her chest, a painful sensation rising within her heart. Hundreds, if not thousands of times she'd thought to have seen him. In every crowd she saw shoulders, backs, hands and faces that looked so familiar her heart jumped. Every time disappointment was soon to follow, rushing over her and leaving her cold and empty.

But never – never had she seen him standing right in front of her home, and never had anyone else noticed him.

"Who's that man, mommy?"

June didn't answer. She didn't dare to move, afraid he would vanish if she did.

But she was also afraid he would walk away once again, if she _didn't_ move.

In the end it was Juan who turned away first, running a hand across his face, as his shoulders shook. June covered her mouth as she realized it was really him. It was a long time ago that she'd given up the hope of him coming back to her, being a part of her life. But she couldn't just leave him standing there. He looked so lost, so hurt, and she wasn't able to ignore that.

Her trembling hands found her son and as she ruffled his hair she murmured: "That's an old friend of mommies and it looks like he's in trouble." She knelt before him to look into his eyes. "Mamma needs to help him. You go play with your train, okay?"

Glenn nodded, giving her a smile that was so alike to her own and ran to the stairs.

June quickly walked to the front door, her heart pounding in her chest. What if he had already left? She ran into the front yard and scanned the curb; tears already streaming down her cheeks.

"Juan!" she called as she saw him standing next to his motorcycle. He was about to leave – again.

Any other person would say that it was for the best, but June knew it wasn't. No matter the pain he'd caused her, she still cared for him. She knew that something terrible must have happened for him to be showing up at her house after fifteen years.

He looked over his shoulder when he heard his name, still rubbing the tears from his face. She started to run to him, ignoring the gravel that cut into her bare feet. The fear he would leave again settled a bit as he bowed his head, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

She heard him exhale shakily as she stopped in front of him and pulled him in her arms. A shiver crept down her spine as he buried his face against her shoulder and started to cry even harder.

"It's okay," she soothed, rubbing between his shoulders. "It's okay baby."

His brokenness shook her. As teenagers they had gone through a lot and she'd seen him cry a couple of times, but never like this.

She held him for a long time. Eventually his tears eased and he looked up at her, his thumb caressing her cheek. Goose bumps spread all over her body as she closed her eyes and her lips started to tremble.

"I've missed you so much," he whispered.

Hearing his voice brought tears to her eyes. Her throat was burning and even though she tried to stay strong, but the tears escaped her eyes cascading down her face. She knew she should be furious with him. He'd abandoned her without any explanation, knowing he was all she had left. For months she had been terrified that he was dead, until the day his sister had told her why he had gone. That he had found a new lover elsewhere; someone who knew how to have fun, who wasn't trying to change him into someone he wasn't.

But right at this moment, the hate was buried deeply. The pain that colored his voice, that was able to be seen on his face and radiated from his body, got her. She had always put his feelings before hers, and even fifteen years of radio silence wasn't enough to change that.

She looked into his watery eyes, unable to say anything. For the first time since he had left her all those years ago, she finally felt that she could connect withsomeone else's touch. She held her breath as his thumb moved across her bottom lip. Suddenly his face came closer and his lips brushed over hers. His left hand drifted to her neck and disappeared into her hair. The way that his fingers moved through her hair felt desperate and she laid her hands on his chest and pushed him away.

"Please, don't do this, Juan," she whispered, even though her lips were tingling. "I'm with someone else now."

He stepped back from her and nodded, without looking at her. "Yeah. Of course you are. I'm sorry, I..." He pressed his hand to his head. "It's just... everything is a mess in my head. I should never have come here. I'm sorry. I... I don't know what I was thinkin'. I just wanted to see you before... before..." He swallowed and looked the other way.

June sighed as she looked at his face. There were dark circles beneath his eyes, his chin was unshaven and his eyes were just... empty. What had happened to him? She thought about all the times his mother had snarled at him, saying that he would end up dead in the gutter and now, she had the feeling she hadn't been far from the truth.

"I should leave," Juan muttered. "I'm sorry."

He looked over his shoulder, as if he was afraid someone would see them.

"Where will you go?" she asked, she had a feeling that he had nowhere else to go. She must have been his last resort, his final desperate act to find help.

He shrugged. "I'll find a place."

June shook her head. "No. You think I'll ever be able to sleep again after seeing you like this?"

She wished she could offer him a place to stay, but that would only make things worse. Knowing with whom she was together now wouldn't do him any good, and the minute Ravi came back from school he would recognize Juan from the picture on his nightstand.

She looked at her watch. It would take a few hours before anyone would show up.

"Come." She took his hand. "My kid is inside, I can't stay away for too long. I'm going to find a place where you can stay for a while." She looked up to him and waited until he shyly looked at her again. "I promise," she emphasized, sensing everyone he had cared about these past years had turned their backs on him.


	3. First Conversation

_(Edited)_

 ** _The Past_**

June closed her locker and got up. She started when she saw someone leaning against the lockers, looking down at her with an amused smirk crossing his face.

Suddenly she was a bundle of nerves and she felt her face turn red; her throat was tight, making it difficult when she tried to swallow. The reason why was simple and oh so complicated: Juan Carlos. He _always_ had that effect on her, but _why_ she was constantly feeling this way around, was a question she hadn't been able to answer yet.

At the start of this school year he'd smiled at her once while walking by, and ever since then there had been a knot in her stomach that was growing as each day passed. Her sophomore year was almost finished and even though they'd some classes together, he had never said a single word to her.

But now he was suddenly standing next to her, with a grin taking over his face.

She stood straight and wiped her clammy hands on her pants. "Can I help you?" she asked quietly.

She was trying to figure out why he was standing there – it was clear he wasn't waiting on someone else. Maybe he needed help with his homework? But why would he ask for her help? Sure, her grades were fine, but she wasn't a stand out student and she had no history of helping others with their homework. Then another thought crossed through her head; did he know that she liked him – for whatever reason that might be? She hadn't even dared to tell her friends, but her eyes were always drifting to him in classes.

"Well... yeah, I think you can," he answered, breaking her train of thought, answering with the confidence of a king. "You could answer my question with a 'yes'."

June shuffled her feet. The way he looked at her made her feel restless and she didn't dare to look him in the eye. "Then what's your question?"

"Would you like to go to the Jubilee Prom with me?"

June had the feeling she was choking, for a second she felt like she couldn't breathe and she definitely was not able to look at him.

The Jubilee Prom. In three weeks the Jubilee Prom was going to be taking place, because their school was founded 75 years ago. Her classmates had been whispering about it for months, since they were allowed to go to a prom a year earlier than expected.

June didn't really mind either way. In fact she hadn't even planned to go – and certainly not with someone else. What if she had to cancel her plans last minute? Then her date would be all alone, and she couldn't do that to them.

She had also never expected to be asked – and certainly not by _him._ Her group of friends didn't belong to the "cool" clique, and even though Juan Carlos wasn't on the football team, everyone knew him and his friends and she dared to bet that most people didn't even know she existed.

"Why?" she asked suspiciously. She knew how guys like him were; they would make fun of her, giving her hope when there was none.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Why? Well, as far as I know it's customary for a boy to ask a girl. And in case you haven't noticed: I'm a really nice guy and you are a really nice girl."

June felt her cheeks burn – and she hated the influence he had on her. It sounded so trite, and usually it would make her cringe. She resisted his charming words. "Do I really look that desperate?"

She didn't sound dismissive nor bitchy, rather sincere and she could see the confusion in his eyes. For a moment a strange feeling swirled through her body as she wondered if she had hurt his feelings.

"I know the kind of games you guys play, " she explained. "You ask a bunch of girls 'who wouldn't be asked by someone else'and then never show up on prom night." She shook her head. "A tradition your brother started, if I'm right."

She bent over, picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. She smiled sadly to him. "I'm sorry if this makes you look bad in front of your friends."

She turned around and began to walk away. Suddenly his fingers were around her wrist, keeping her from leaving. "June..."

Her heart fluttered as she heard him call her name. In fact, she had doubted that he even knew her name. He pulled back his hand when she turned back to him and for a moment she thought she saw a blush upon his cheeks.

"I'm not my brother," he said. "I really... I really wanna go with you," he said almost bashfully.

For the first time in her life June looked right into his eyes. They were chocolate brown – beautiful, just like the rest of his face. It felt like a volcano was erupting inside her stomach, its heat spreading through her veins like lava while their eyes were locked on each other.

But June didn't dare. She didn't dare to believe he was speaking the truth. The only thing she could see, was prom night; staring out of the window, waiting on her date while the hours passed by slowly.

"I'm sorry," she told him again. "I don't think you would have a nice evening with me."

Before he could stop her again, she turned back around and walked away. In the corner of her eye she felt an itch as a tear slowly escaped.


	4. A Memorable Day

_(Edited)_

THE PAST

Juan never would have suspected that his brother would be the reason a girl would _turn him down._ Girls were always lining up for Mateo, things had been that way since he was in high school and it had never changed since then. At the parties Mateo threw, Juan had never seen him _not_ pull a girl. Even though Juan was a bit more clumsy and inexperienced with girls; having only been kissed two times and had never having gotten to second base, he'd hoped that with the same blood flowing through his veins as his brother, it would help him to get the girl he liked to go to the prom with him.

Well, at least he'd succeeded in asking her. He hadn't been able to eat all day and the confidence that he had faked almost made him sick, but he'd done it. Even though the only reason he had succeeded in persuading himself to do it, was the fact he was convinced that she would be too sweet to turn _anyone_ _down_. Well, he couldn't have been more wrong.

She had thought he was pulling a prank on her. Had that really been the reason? Or was it just an excuse? He hadn't taken June to be a liar, but truth to be told; he didn't think she would have turned him down either. These past months he had created this version of her in his mind that probably wasn't even near the real June, this was the first time he had worked up the nerve to even talk to her.

With a sigh Juan sat down, leaning against a small wall and lit a cigarette. From here he could see the music room, but he knew she wouldn't be practicing today. It had became some kind of habit; sitting down here smoking while watching as she played the violin. Occasionally he would even listen to her play from the corridor next to the room. He wasn't a huge fan of the sound, but he loved to watch the expression on her face as the music took her away. It always made his fingers tingle; wanting to reach out and stroke her face, no matter the distance between them. The music she created stirred this urge in him like nothing that he had heard before.

He tapped the ash from the tip of the cigarette and leaned back. Well, at least nobody could say he hadn't tried. Not that anyone knew about his feelings for June. He knew better than that. None of his friends ever talked seriously about girls and when they found out that there was someone who was occupying his mind for more than a year, they would probably try to ruin his chances or hit on her themselves. He told himself that had been the reason it had taken so long before he talked to her, it was easier than admitting he had been too chicken. But he knew it was because he had been afraid to mess up it - and with good reason, it seemed. Maybe he shouldn't have acted as self-confident, but he had been afraid she would think he was a pussy.

He bowed his head, dropped the butt of his cigarette and crushed it under his foot. Should he try something else? Talking a bit more to her was probably a good idea, but he had thought about what he was going to say today for more than a week and he didn't want to look even more like an idiot than he already did. He just hoped she would change her mind; maybe, just maybe he had just overwhelmed her.

He stood up, hoisted his backpack over his shoulder and started to walk home. He actually still had one more class to go, but he wasn't in the mood to stay at the school any longer. He looked at the seniors who were hanging around their cars, envious of them. In a couple of weeks he would be turning sixteen, then he could finally drive a car too… even if he secretly wanted to save money for a motorcycle. But those were expensive as hell, and he probably wouldn't even have enough money to buy some old beater.

Juan also thought about taking a bus, but the weather was nice and the bus always felt like it was suffocating him. The smells always made him feel sick and it was way too crowded. It was only a half an hour walk, but his path took him straight through the park where he had noticed her for the first time. His neighbour on the other side of the road had broken her leg and Juan had offered to take the dogs out. He had always wanted a dog, but his mother hated animals so there wasn't much that he could do about it. Together with the two German Shepherds, he had gone to the park, which was where he'd seen June. She had been sitting on a bench close to the pond, a sketch pad balanced on her knees. For a while he had studied her face; the way she had bit her lip and a frown had adorned her forehead while she'd been working on her piece, completely concentrated. Despite how curious he had been about her drawing, he hadn't wanted to interrupt her. He had never expected that her face would return to his thoughts again and again, or that he would keep looking for that same sweet smile her lips had formed as she admired her artwork ever since.

When he reached the park, he sat down on the bench where she had sat that first day, as he had done so many times since that fateful day. He was hoping she would return and sit down next to him, where he would then subtly stretch his arm on the backrest of the bench. But it had never happened; she had never returned to the park and since that day he had been worried that she'd felt his stare that day. That he had made her feel so uncomfortable she had never wanted to come back to the little park with the pond.

Maybe that had been the real reason she had turned him down. Maybe he had imagined it, the few times he had seen her looking his way in class, or maybe she had just been wondering why the hell he was always seemed to be looking at her. That had to be it - for he couldn't think of why she would really believe he would be playing a joke on her or a good reason as to why they couldn't have nice evening together _._ It was all he could think of – why not?


	5. An Empty House

_(Edited)_

THE PAST

His footsteps echoed through the empty house. With a sigh Juan dropped down onto the couch, putting his feet up onto the coffee table. He switched on the tv and began flipping though the channels, but nothing could keep his attention. He felt shittier about June's rejection than he had expected, it was still weighing on him. He kept thinking about the words she had spoken, and what she had said about his brother. That he had been asking girls out, but then never showing up? Juan had never heard him say anything about it and at school there was so much bullshit going around about his brother he never paid too close of attention to it. Even though he had to admit that he could see Mateo doing such a thing back when he was in school.

But he wouldn't do that with someone like June. Perhaps with her attention-seeking friend Jordy or Shawna who was rather naïve, but June... Anyone who was able to take her to the Jubilee Prom would be so lucky... including his brother. June might be the last girl at school that someone would think of to use for a prank.

For a while Juan kept switching from channel to channel while he kept going over the conversation again and again in his head. What should he do now? Ask someone else? He didn't want to go with anyone else, but going on his own would be really embarrassing. Maybe he could just stop by on that night and prove her that he'd been serious. A sparkle of hope arose at the thought she might turn down _anyone_ who asked because she was too afraid to get hurt. Maybe he shouldn't take it personally.

 _That's a real slight chance, Juan. She was talking about_ your _brother._

He ignored the voice in his head. Maybe he should wait a couple of weeks, and try to find out if she was going with someone else. And if she wasn't – he could try asking again. But then, if she would turn him away _again_ , he would have no date at all. Maybe it would be better to have a back-up, someone he could ditch easily at the last minute.

Juan was shocked by his own thoughts. He had no doubt he really would have done that if June hadn't pointed out that exact scenario earlier today. Man, he was _still_ considering doing it too! Somewhat ashamed of himself he turned his attention to the tv again, wondering if June had already known him better than he had known himself.

* * *

Juan stared at the tv until it was dinnertime, watching episodes of American Hot Rot. When his stomach started to grunt he walked to the kitchen to see what was in the fridge, there wasn't much. He considered trying to cook for himself, but it wouldn't be the first time he was cooking a meal while nobody showed up. Before Luna went to college she had always been around, but Mateo came and went to his liking, and his mom wasn't that different. With a sigh he sat down at the table. Through the window he could see his neighbours, gathered around the table. He couldn't even remember the last time they had all sat down for dinner. Most days he had to get his own food and even though he was okay with that, there were moments where he did feel envious of all the other families, where parents were waiting for their kids after school and asked about their day.

After an hour he felt that he had waited long enough for someone else to come home, his brother and mother must have decided to have dinner elsewhere. He took his phone from his pocket and sent a text to his best friend.

\- _Pizza?_

It only took a second before the device was buzzing in his hand.

 _\- Mom cooked. Come over._

Juan smiled a bit sad. He was grateful that the Sanchez family always welcomed him, but it called up mixed feelings. It always showed him the things he was missing in his life.

He put on his jacket, tossed the key in his pocket and closed the door behind him. Emilio lived two blocks ahead, Juan could even find the way with his eyes closed. They had been friends since kindergarten and their friendship had grown stronger and stronger over the years.

Five minutes later he rang the bell. Someone messed with the lock and the next moment the door swung open.

"Juan!" little Noa cheered. The six-year-old wrapped her tiny arms around his legs and he laid a hand on her head. His lips turning into a smile immediately, "hey little one" he said as he patted her dark hair.

Then he turned to Michelle, Emilio's mom. She greeted him with a kiss on his cheek and ran a hand through his hair. "Hey sweetheart. I'm glad you're joining us for dinner."

She gave him a friendly smile, but he could see that same look on her face that was always there when he showed up around this time. She felt sorry for him. And once more the fact that it wasn't normal for a fifteen-year-old boy to have no family to go have dinner with, was thrown back in his face. Despite the many years he came around, it was times like this that he still felt like an intruder. Like a little bird that had fallen out of the nest and was desperately trying to join a family so that he wasn't on his own.


	6. Some Brotherly Advice

_(Edited)_

THE PAST

The Mac & Cheese with meatballs had come right out of the oven, and it tasted good; better than anything he would have made. His own mother never really had any cooking skills, it felt like every minute that she had to spend in the kitchen was one too much and it gave Juan the feeling that the kitchen had been his father's domain once.

"So Juan... Have you asked a girl to the Jubilee Prom?"

Emilio's mother dragged him out of his thoughts before they could wander off in the direction of his father - although this subject wasn't that much better. He felt his cheeks glow as he placed his fork into his food. How was it possible that she asked _that_ question today of all days? It must have been some sort of maternal intuition and even though that might have been flattering at any other moment, he was wishing that she had never brought it up.

Juan looked briefly at his friend, who raised his eyebrows in surprise as their eyes met.

"Damn, you look like a tomato." Emilio started to laugh. "Does that mean yes?" He widened his eyes. "Holy shit, you really asked a girl!"

Juan wished he could disappear. He had hoped Emilio would never find out.

"Who is it?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders. He tried to fake a confident grin, but failed miserably. "You'll see," he answered on a shrug.

Emilio gave him the finger and ignored the angry look his mother shot him. "Tell me dude. Who is it?"

When Juan still kept silent, he started to laugh. "Holy shit dude. Are you serious? You got a crush?"

His teasing undertone was already annoying Juan. "No man. Just some girl," he muttered.

"From school? Or did your brother get you a chick? He has to get me one too, you got to hook it up. Those bitches are way hotter than the ones from school man." He smirked, throwing a glance at his mother, who glared at her son again.

For Juan it sounded as a way out, so he nodded. "Yeah. Mateo got me a hot chick. He knows what I like."

The look in Emilio's eyes told him he wasn't buying it, but Juan didn't care. Now that June had turned him down he might actually take one of Mateo's friends and since former students were also invited to the prom, so he knew for sure his brother would be there too, if only to rock the boat. The only girls Juan had ever kissed had been ones that had shown up to one of his brother's parties. He didn't see why he couldn't go with one of them, they were easier to ditch anyway without hurting someone's feelings. He would rather not do that at all, but if June really changed her mind… _He wasn't gonnablow that change for a girl he didn't know at all._

He knew he shouldn't get his hopes up, but he couldn't help himself.

* * *

Juan hung around with the Sanchez family until close to nine; they played FIFA on the playstation until Emilio's father came home from work and wanted to watch sports while he had dinner.

Only when Juan was on his way back home, did he think about June again and about the fact Emilio hadn't said another word about his date. In the end he shrugged his shoulders, maybe his friend did believe him.

At least the lights were on in the house when he walked up. He put the key in the hole and opened the door. The smell of pot was floating toward him as he came inside and as soon as he'd closed the door he opened a window to let some of the smell out.

"Yo little brother," Mateo grinned. He'd slumped down on the couch, his feet up on the coffee table. He took a drag from his joint. "Where were you?"

"At Emilio's," he answered shortly, opening another window.

"Aah. Saw Michelle yesterday. Might be fifty, but I would still do her."

Juan was smart enough not to answer; he walked to the kitchen and filled a glass with juice and made his way back to the living room. He sat down next to his brother and cast a glance at the tv, it was some kind of cop show.

"Here." Mateo offered him a second joint.

"No thanks," he muttered.

Mateo nudged his knee with his own. "Don't be such a baby. Let's have some bro time."

"Mom will kick you out when she comes back and smells the pot."

Mateo snorted. "Don't think so. I'm paying half of the rent. If I leave, she'll end up in a whorehouse. Not that she would mind."

Juan looked at his brother; was he really paying their rent? With what money? The pizza place he was doing deliveries for, couldn't be paying much.

"What? Ya didn't know?" He started to laugh. "Grow up, boy. All the money that she's saving is for herself and for our dear sister, so she can get her good grades at her fancy college. Don't fool yourself; you won't see a nickel of it. As soon as you graduate, she will make you get some job every dickhead can do and then she will claim all your cash. I get why dad dumped her."

Juan took the joint when Mateo held it in front of his face again and leaned back sighing. Ma would flip out anyway, whether he was lighting up one himself or not. At least his brother was chiller when he got his way and he wasn't in the mood for more drama.

For a long time Juan stared at the ceiling. With a heavy feeling in his chest he thought about June. Her sweet smile, her soft melodic voice, which he had heard so many times, but never before today was it directed at him.

"I asked a girl to the Jubilee Prom," he told his brother without looking aside. He took another drag. "She's a real beauty. And she's sweet. But she didn't want me." He heaved a sigh and watched how a small spider crossed the ceiling. "Because of you, ya know. Because you're my brother. And I really liked her."

Next to him he heard Mateo chuckle. "She rather goes with me? Sorry little brother. Can't help it if I'm a chick magnet."

"She thinks you're a dick. Says you ditch girls on Prom night."

The cracking of the worn-out leather couch told him his brother shrugged his shoulders. "Only the ugly ones." He said dismissively.

"She's beautiful." Juan smiled a bit dreamily, then his face grew gloomy again. "But she doesn't want me."

Suddenly there were piercing fingers around his chin. Roughly Mateo turned his face to the side. "Stop whinin', you're embarrassing. You want her? Then claim her. Haven't I taught you a damn thing over the past few years? If you want something, you have to take it. Nobody is gonna give you anything." He let go of Juan's face, but kept looking at him with a burning gaze. "I'm serious, Juan Carlos. If you wanna fuck her, just do it." He smirked. "And since we're sharin' the same genes, I can assure you she won't complain. Some bitches just need a bit more attention. But in the end, they all want the same."

Mateo winked, stood up to grab a couple of beers from the fridge and placed one in front of Juan. With a head full of confusion Juan picked it up and took a sip, contemplating his brother's words – he wanted her for more than just a fuck, but could Mateo still be right? He didn't care about the fact his mom would become even angrier if she caught her underage son with alcohol too. At least then he would get a bit of attention from her, he thought ironically.


	7. Opinions

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

June was startled as someone snapped their fingers in front of her face. Dazed she shook off her thoughts.

"Look, I know you have a crush on him, but since when did you change from secretly peeking to unabashed staring?"

June felt her cheeks glow. Her first instinct was to deny Jordy's words, but in fact she was too overwhelmed to say anything at all.

"What?" her friend chuckled. "You really think I didn't know? Every time he's around, your brain just disappears."

"Eh, about who are we talking about? You like someone, June?" Shawna mingled into the conversation. There was an enthusiastic sparkle in her eyes while she looked around the auditorium.

June groaned internally. Did her friends really have to behave so flashy? Yeah – they had to, she thought on a sigh. That had been the reason she never told them. Jordy was the dearest friend she could wish for, but she couldn't control her own tongue. And of all people she was the one who figured out her crush on Juan Carlos?

"It's nothing," she muttered, twisting off the cap of her bottle of water and taking a sip. It didn't help the sudden flush she was feeling.

"It's nothing? Dude, you're eye fucking that that guy!"

Beth chuckled. "You're the only one eye fucking guys, Jor. I bet that word never even occurred to June."

That was certainly true. Those words alone already made her feel embarrassed. She actually hadn't even noticed that she had been staring at him. But since he had asked her to prom yesterday, he was all she could think about. What if she was wrong? What if he was genuinely interested in her? Could that really be? Maybe she should tell her friends about it, she had to admit she was curious about their opinions. Even though she could imagine what Beth and Jordy thought in advance.

They wouldn't agree with each other.

She cast one more glance at Juan Carlos and forgot how to breath as their eyes locked. His lips formed a smile sending tingles through her whole body, but she was too shy to smile back and instead she focused her eyes back on the table in front of her.

Shawna nudged her arm with her elbow. "Who is it, June? I never heard you talk about a boy before!"

Her voice almost sounded desperate. As if she was dying to talk about something else than the catalogue of guys Jordy had her eye on. That list was different and changing every day, or multiple times a day.

"Come on, give her some space," Beth said. "If she wanted us to know, she would have told us."

June looked briefly at her friend. From under her black bangs, blue eyes coldly stared into June's. When they first started hanging out June had a hard time getting used to her cool glance. Beth wasn't the type of person letting people easily in. She kept pretty much to herself and only after a year she began to share some little things about herself. Of all her friendships the one with Beth had been the most difficult to form, and her feelings for Juan Carlos hadn't made it any easier. She had the feeling it could really ruin their friendship if Beth found out, even though it was just a matter of time before Jordy would slip up. Maybe it was better if she admitted it herself.

Her finger followed the rim of her plate as June gathered courage. She took a deep breath and looked at Beth again. "Juan Carlos asked me to prom yesterday."

"Holy guacamoly!" Jordy yelled so loud that people turned around to look at them. To make things even worse, Jordy also looked aside, to where Juan Carlos and his friends were sitting. "Dude, didn't see that coming."

From the corner of eyes June saw how Beth's fingers tensed around her glass. She squeezed it so tight her knuckles were turning white.

"I turned him down," June spoke quickly, looking skittishly at Beth.

The face of her friend seemed to relax a bit. "Good," she said with a dark glow in her eyes.

June bowed her head. All this time she had feared Beth's response. Not consciously, but there had always been a gut feeling on how her friend would react.

Jordy however couldn't really relate. "What? You turned him down? Are you insane?"

"Oh come on, you really think those two can ever become a thing?" Beth snorted dismissively. "I can't think of two persons who fit worse together."

Beth's words hurt June. She fussed with the cuticle of her thumb and wished they would just stop talking about Juan Carlos. But once Jordy had the chance to give her opinion about something, nothing would stop her.

"Who cares? Dude, you have any idea how hot he is? He can absolutely explore my body."

"You want the whole school to explore your body," Beth scoffed.

June suppressed a sigh and glanced at Shawna, who quietly picked at her salad. As soon as people were arguing, she always went back in her shell. The enthusiasm lighting up her eyes a while ago, was now gone. She looked sad and June had the feeling it was her fault.

"It doesn't matter," June said quietly. "I told him he could ask someone else."

"It _does_ matter. You are madly in love with him and apparently he likes you too."

"Come on, Jor, stop being so naive," Beth answered fiercely. "She's nothing but a toy in his eyes. I'm happy June sees that. At least there's one person with brains around this table." Beth stood up and swinging her backpack over her shoulder, as she turned around and rushed away.

June heaved a sigh. Even though she really wanted to go after her, she knew it was better to give her friend some space.

"You know what happened to her sister," June snapped to Jordy. "Give her a break."

"What happened to Katie was horrible. But should we all have to act like we are in a monastery because of it?" Jordy asked with raised eyebrows.

"But it was his brother who..." June sighed. "I get her."

"It's just too bad," Jordy persisted, glancing over her shoulder.

June wished she could vanish when Juan Carlos looked her way again and was met by an obvious wink from Jordy.

"I think he's cute. He's not nearly as arrogant as Mateo. What do you think, Shaw?"

Shawna looked from June to Jordy and back. June felt her body temperature rise, as if Shawna's opinion would be decisive. However, it didn't matter much. June didn't have a lot of friends, so she didn't want to lose the few she had. Not because of a boy, even if the feelings he was triggering were unlike anything she had felt before.

"How much do you like him?"

June didn't know how to answer. Juan Carlos was the first boy to catch her attention. Over the past years there had been too much on her mind to care about boys, but for some reason he still had managed to take over her mind.

She shrugged. "I like him more than any other boy I've ever known. But I'm not stupid; I know we're too different and well – even if we ever did get past a first date, I don't even know if I would want something serious with him. I already have a hard time dealing with my own family, let alone having to worry about his too because let's be honest, there is no way to escape his brother."

June smiled a bit sad. Getting past a first date... her fantasies were running wild now. For him she was just a victory, nothing more. A trophy – one he would easily trade for another.

"Beth is my friend. I want to be there for her."

She looked at Jordy, as if she was craving for her approval. Her friend raked a hand through her blue hair and shrugged. "Your loss. But in all fairness June, I think that boy is already having a hard time with a brother like that. If you really like him as much as I think you do, you should give him a chance. Beth will come around."

But June knew that was a lie.

Beth's hatred went too deep to ever go away.


	8. Nice and Slow

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

Juan knew they were talking about him. First, only June had peeked in his direction, making the hope increase that she had changed her mind, but now her friends were looking at him too. Making him wish that he had never asked her in the first place.

It felt like the umpteenth miscalculation he had made about her. Especially since she had apologized for the fact that her rejection would make him look bad in front of his friends, he thought that meant she was going to keep her refusal to herself. He hadn't taken her for the type of girl to gossip; going around telling everyone she had turned him down. There hadn't been the slightest trace of arrogance in her voice. But he also knew of her blue haired friend. She would find out and spread it around the school; a real news flash that _he ‒_ the little brother of the infamous Mateo who could always get anyone he wanted ‒ had received his very first rejection.

He could already hear his friends laughing. He would hear it echoing in the halls until the end of the year...

When the buzzer went off, announcing the end of the period, he took his tray to the bin and turned to head for class. Emilio however grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"So, who is it? I saw you looking." At Juan's silence, Emilio smirked. "I knew it was a chick from school! Is it Beth? I got to admit, she's kinda hot."

Juan could barely breathe; a warm glow taking over his cheeks. He was glad that Emilio hadn't thrown these questions at him while the rest of their friends had been around, but he still wished he would drop it.

"Beth?" he repeated a bit dazed. There weren't many people able to send shivers down his spine, but Beth sure could. She scared him. She always looked so erratic, and sometimes there was such a murderous look in his eyes... He wondered if she was saving that deadly glance for him, since Emilio didn't seem bothered by her.

"Beth's got a screw loose, don't ya think?" he muttered, pulling away his arm. He continued his walk to the classrooms, but Emilio kept up effortlessly.

"Can be hot," he said with a smirk. "Then who is it? Damn man, you got your head so high up in the clouds you don't even tell your best friend? Or is it Jordy?! Then I get why you're keeping it to yourself." He laughed. "Dude, if you want her – I'm jumping off a bridge."

Juan thought it would be better to stay silent. There weren't many options left from that table. His friend however had figured that out too.

"I bet it's neither the whale! Is it the other one? Ha, can't think of a chick that has to be more boring in bed!"

"What?" Juan asked in surprise, too overwhelmed to realize what he was saying. "You know...it could be good… just nice and slow..."

Even though Emilio might be willing to have a more experienced girl in bed, Juan liked it better if she was a virgin too. Then at least he couldn't fail too badly – and if he did, well she wouldn't know right?

Emilio chuckled. There was a too wide grin on his face. "Nice and slow, huh?" He pretended to grab someone by the hips and moved his hips in a thrusting motion. "How long have you been jerking off with that fantasy on your mind?"

Juan gritted his teeth and sat down behind a desk at the back of the room. Not that it would help him to get rid off Emilio, who just shoved in next to him. The eyes of his friend darted towards June, who sat on the other side of the room, next to the window with her friend Shawna.

"I never noticed, but she does have a pretty face indeed. But she really needs to wear something more exciting instead of that grey baggy shit, it barely shows anything at all; like c'mon man, is she a nun or something?!" Emilio pulled up the corner of his mouth as he looked at Juan. "So you're going to prom with her?"

Something cold descended in his stomach. The fact that she rejected him just couldn't pass his lips and he just shrugged as he brought his bag closer, pulling out his math books and placing them on the table.

"What's her name again? Something with a _'J'_ , right?"

"June," he answered shortly.

"June and Juan. Dude, that sounds just adorable." Emilio flipped a pen between his fingers and ignored the teacher who started his instruction. "So... nice and slow, huh?" He chuckled.

Juan couldn't stop the images his brain was creating. His hand cupping the side of her face, while his thumb caressed her cheek; her lips formed that beautiful smile, the one that made the blood flow faster through his veins. Very lightly her lips brushed his and after a short kiss he moved his hand across her cheek to her well-formed mouth, his thumb stroking along her bottom lip. She didn't break eye contact as she moved her lips around his thumb and sucked. He became aware of her warm skin up against his chest, what she felt like pressed to his stomach. Slowly he entered her and pulled back again. Her lips parted slightly as her eyes widened; she tilted her head back so that his lips could explore her neck. Instead of allowing his lips to follow the curve of her neck, he kept his eyes locked on her face as it had an almost ecstatic expression across it and all because she liked having him inside her so much.

Juan shifted on his chair because he was getting hard and shook off his daydream before someone could notice. The ever-present smirk on his friend's face however told him he knew exactly what paths his mind had traveled and he could feel the heat flaring across his face again. His eyes shot to June, worried that she had caught him in his fantasy but she was listening to the instructions of their teacher, obviously unaware of his thoughts towards her.

Fortunately. He didn't feel as guilty because he had focused on her face instead of her naked body, even though he had pictured that often enough. But never when she was around, never when there was the chance of being caught.

"Well, I've heard it has its kicks," Emilio mused; he was as always perfectly able to continue a conversation on his own. "Such a good girl... who knows what dirty things you can make her do. Still waters run deep, isn't that what they're always saying?"

"Dude, you never give up, do ya?" Juan replied a bit agitated. "I just asked her to prom. I think she's fucking beautiful and I just wanted to get to know her, that's all." He flipped through his textbook until he found the page where he left off – much further than his classmates – and tried to concentrate on the issues.

Emilio snorted. "I'm your best friend, dude. You should have told me, instead of givin' my mom the chance to pull it out of you. And even then! You lied about it when you told me Mateo was getting you a chick."

Juan rolled his eyes. "You're really making a mountain out of a molehill."

"I'm not. Because I'm a wing man that likes to be prepared." He wiggled his eyebrows. "For if my homie wants a girl, I'm gonna help him with it."


	9. The Evil That's Called Friends

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

For the second day in a row June felt someone standing close to her while she was taking books from her locker. Just like yesterday a bundle of nerves gathered in her stomach as she glanced upwards and saw who it was.

This time not Juan Carlos, but his friend. Another guy who had never spoken a single word to her. Was he also going to ask her to prom too? Was this some kind of prank? The thought that she had to have the same conversation again, made her hands clammy. Trying to swallow the nerves, she stood up. The smirk that adorned Emilio's face differed from the look Juan Carlos had when he had come to talk to her; it was bolder. It wasn't like her to turn away from someone, but she didn't know what to do with her nervousness. Looking over his shoulder she could see Juan Carlos who was putting his books in his locker. For a moment she stared at him, all words she'd heard about him today from her friends were buzzing through her head.

Suddenly Emilio laid his arm around her shoulders, silencing her thoughts immediately. "Hey June. Are you still a virgin?"

His question shocked her so deeply her books slipped out of her hands. He had never talked to her before – and now he was asking such a personal question? She felt her cheeks turn flaming red. He couldn't seriously be expecting her to answer a question like that! With wide eyes she stared at him.

His arm still rested on her shoulders. She wanted to push him away, but she couldn't move. Even breathing felt difficult.

"You know, 'cause my homie really wants to do it with you. And who knows... after prom." He wiggled his eyebrows. "But for him it's good to know if you're a virgin or not. You know, to make you feel relaxed."

"Jeez," a heated voice yelled all of a sudden. The arm was pulled of her shoulder. "Leave her alone man."

"What's your problem?" Emilio grinned. "You told me yourself you wanted to do her nice and slow, righhhhtttt."

Juan Carlos' eyes shot to her. His face was just as red as hers had to be. He didn't seem to know what to say, in the end clenching his fist and jamming into his friends arm.

"I just wanted to help you, set the mood a bit," Emilio answered with a blank face. "You know, you can use my car..."

June had the feeling her eyes were going to pop out of her head any moment. What were they talking about? What did he need a car for? Confused she looked at Juan Carlos, who still had a face like a tomato.

"I'm not going to prom with June," Juan Carlos said. "She..." He took a deep breath and looked away.

June saw the shame on his face. It was clear he felt just as uncomfortable as she did and she felt sorry for him. "I was already asked by someone else," she jumped in quickly with the first lie that came to mind.

Juan Carlos turned his face back to her, surprise written all over it. And he also looked... grateful? Yes, that had to be it.

"What?" This time it was Emilio who looked confused. "You told me..."

"I told you I asked her," he muttered. "Not that she agreed."

"Well, that would have been some pretty relevant information homes..."

Juan sent his friend a cold glare, where after he raised his hands in a gesture of surrender and walked away.

Awkwardly Juan Carlos rubbed his neck. His glance was skittish, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed. There wasn't much left of that confidence she had seen yesterday.

"Sorry for that," he muttered. "It's not true. I don't want to... Well, I do, but...that's not…" He closed his mouth abruptly and knelt down to pick up her books. His fingers were trembling.

June didn't know if he was playing some sort of game, but it didn't feel that way. He really looked nervous – and his clumsy movements chased a swarm of butterflies through her stomach. Was it because of her?

"Here." He pushed the books in her hands. When she went to take them, their fingers touched and it felt like sparks racing up her arm. Juan looked her in the eye, as if he had felt it too.

June's heart raged in her chest as he kept her glance. Right when she was afraid her legs would give out, she broke eye contact and looked away.

"Thanks for comin' up with an excuse, by the way," he muttered. "For turnin' me down."

June pressed her books against her chest and nodded. She wanted to say something, but it felt like she had lost her voice.

"Okay. I better go. Umm well, sorry ‒ again." She heard how he heaved a sigh, his feet were already turning away from her. Still, there was something stopping him from leaving. His hands slipped into his pockets and he caught her eye again. "Look, I get why you're afraid I'll ditch you or why you don't wanna hang out with me cause of my stupid friends." With his thumb he pointed over his shoulder, as if Emilio was still there waiting for him. "But maybe... maybe you wanna hang out another day? Together?"

June's throat felt dry. In her chest her heart pounded so wildly it hurt and even though she doubted her face could turn even redder, she had the feeling her head was surrounded by steam.

Was he really asking her out?

She remembered the words his friend had spoken. The thought that those two had talked about having sex with her, caused a jolt of pain in her stomach. Her hand glided up her throat, as if the touch of it could lure her voice to come back. Fragments of the conversations earlier today raced through her mind. Jordy's words that it was hard to have a brother like Mateo, and Beth's opinion that they didn't fit together at all...

"Never mind," Juan muttered before she could reach any conclusion. "Was stupid to ask." He ran a hand across his head. "You think I'm a dick. Of course you don't wanna hang out."

"I... I don't think you're a dick," she floundered as she saw the hurt look in his eyes. "I just think..." She hung her head.

What exactly was she thinking? That he would find her boring as hell? That he only wanted her for the sex? That her friend would never look at her again? That there was not enough time in her life for a boyfriend?

All those things crossed her mind, but she couldn't get a single word past her lips.

"I just don't think it would work between us." She bowed her head.

While staring at the ground, she noticed Juan Carlos stepped closer. The tip of his torn shoes almost touched hers. She squeezed her eyes for a second as his scent invaded her nostrils. A shiver went through her body.

"How do you know?" he asked quietly. Even though he didn't touch her, it felt like he was lifting up her chin and she felt obliged to look up. His brown eyes looked into hers, questioning. "You don't know me. I don't know you. That's... that's what I wanna change."

His face was so close she barely dared to breath out; afraid he might be able to smell her breath. She swallowed with difficulty, while trying to look past him, hoping to find her train of thought, as her mind raced.

Suddenly she saw a movement from the corner of her eye, and a moment later the back of his index finger stroked down, along her cheek. His touch tickled, making goose bumps spread all over her body. His eyes locked on her and for a moment she was terrified he was going to kiss her. Right here, in the middle of the hallway.

She shuddered.

Immediately he pulled back his hand, the look in his eyes confused, as if his hand had moved independently from the rest of his body. "Sorry. I – I... I don't know what happened."

Even though he had removed his fingers, June could still feel her cheek glow. The silent desire to be touched by him again, waved through her body. Her fingertips were tingling, she wanted to reach out to him as well. Would he let her do that? Her head was such a jumble it was impossible to think. She felt helpless standing there in front of him. Dozens of images shot through her head; some, where he had wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. Others, in which his head bowed towards her as he kissed her lips softly – but there was also another in which he burst out in laughter as soon as she tried to kiss him back.

A sudden hand upon her shoulder pulled her out of her mind and for a moment she thought it was Juan Carlos, but when she turned her head to the side she found herself looking at Beth.

"Is he bothering you?"

The look in her friend's eyes was so intense she didn't even dare to deny it. For Beth, her hesitation was enough.

"Leave her alone," she told Juan Carlos, pulling June away from him. "It might be hard for you to understand with your big ego, but your attention does not make everyone happy."

June felt her lower lip tremble when he didn't look at Beth, but at her. There was no anger in his eyes, rather disappointment. She had to say something; he didn't deserve her friend's snark ‒ but she feared Beth's reaction too much, too afraid to damage their friendship.

So she bent her head in silence. Without thinking, she reached up to touch the cheek he had caressed only a minute ago. Her skin still felt hot.

Juan Carlos however wasn't as easy to put off. "I'm not botherin' her. I just asked her a question."

"You always feel the need to touch people while asking questions? You and your brother are just the same – you need to learn to keep your filthy hands off! I already lost my sister because of an Ortiz. I won't let you take away my friend too."

Beth's fingers closed around June's wrist as she dragged her along.

June didn't struggle, she couldn't even lift her eyes from the ground; let alone look at Juan Carlos, standing in front of her locker watching as she was taken away from him.

 **. . .**

 **I'm still trying to find the best way to alternate between past and present, but the present will reveal so much of the past that I want to keep secret a little longer that it's kinda hard. But if you're dying for a present-chapter I'll see what I can do and try to keep it a bit mysterious or I'll give away some hints of what's going to happen now and then.**

 **Let me know what you think of the chapter or want to see in the next chapters, always love hearing from you!**


	10. Shame

_(Edited)  
_ **THE PAST**

Juan was shocked by the words Beth had snarled at him. _"I already lost my sister because of an Ortiz. I won't let you take away my friend too."_

He hadn't been imagining the hate he felt coming at him whenever she was around. She really despised him; and now he started to wonder if Beth was the real reason June kept her distance. The skittish way she was always looking at him though, her cheeks turning red as soon as he caught her eye... he hadn't imagined those things. He had seen how she had touched for her cheek, right after he had caressed her skin on the exact same spot. She had frozen when he touched her, but she hadn't given him the impression that she was disgusted by it. It seemed to be disbelief, as if she couldn't believe that he had touched her in such a tender way.

 _Or maybe you're just telling yourself lies. Maybe you should just face your loss and turn your attention to other chicks. There are plenty of 'em._

It felt like he was hearing Mateo's voice – but those weren't words he had spoken. His brother had told him to fuck her if that was what he wanted, but the thought alone made his guts clench. Mateo could talk about his flings however he wanted, but June deserved more respect than that. He would never force her into anything; he would wait until he was positive that she wanted it too.

At least, that was what he was hoping. Just a few minutes ago he had reached out and touched her before he was even aware of it.

 _"You need to learn to keep your filthy hands off."_

As Juan left the school, Beth's words kept racing through his mind. What again had happened to her sister? She had committed suicide, right? But what had his brother had to do with it? What did Beth – and apparently also June – _think_ his brother had to do with it?

Contemplating he walked to the smoking area, where Emilio was already waiting for him. His friend's wide grin silenced the thoughts about his brother.

"Well, am I an awesome wingman or what?"

"You're an insensitive dick." Juan shook his head as anger crept up again. Because of the conversation that had followed, he had forgotten how Emilio had embarrassed him. "Asking her if she is a virgin? That I need to know it so I can make sure she feels relaxed? Oh, and you even told her _how_ I wanna do her? It's a fucking miracle she didn't slap me in the face."

Emilio snorted. "She doesn't even dare to slap a fly away! There's no fire in that girl man. Why do you want her so bad? I don't get it."

Juan felt his cheeks glow. In his mind, _everyone_ should want to be with June, but it was clear that Emilio thought otherwise. He should be happy about that, it meant at least one less competitor for her heart. Still, it bruised his ego. He wanted to feel proud if there would ever be a day that he could call June his girlfriend.

"I just want something different than all those noisy sluts. I'd rather have a sweet girl that doesn't turn into a drama queen every other day."

Emilio chuckled. "It's all right, homes." Smirking, he laid an arm around Juan's shoulder and blew a cloud of smoke in his face. "You really are a little in love, huh?" He rushed into laughing. "But for real — I'm standing here for over ten minutes by lonesome. So my insensitive dick-move got you something, right?"

Juan turned his head away from the smoke so he could breathe and looked back at his friend. He had a point, despite how stupid Emilio's remarks might have been; it had at least led to a second conversation. Not that it had gone smoothly, but she had at least told him she didn't think he was a dick. So it could have been worse.

"Well, any progress? Or was she still tryin' to find her tongue?"

Juan decided to keep the fact that he had tried to ask her out again to himself. He'd rather not admit she had rejected him _again._ Even though this time, she might not have done so at all. He had the feeling that she might have agreed if Beth hadn't shown up. Still she hadn't disagreed with her friend when she said all those harsh things, so it still felt like a rejection. He didn't think she would get back to him on the topic of a date now and Juan doubted he would have the balls to go talking to her again. Truth to be told: without the clumsy help of his friend he never would have talked to her today.

Juan lit up a cigarette and turned his attention to his friend again. "Her friend Beth dragged her away from me and was yelling all sorts of shit at me. Do you remember what happened to her sister?"

"Hmm..." Emilio's hand slid off his shoulder. "It was two years ago, right? he slit her wrists, eh? It was huge drama round the school. Something to do with sex tapes being spread among the upperclassmen I think? I remember the day when a tape was being shown in the lunch room."

Juan dug into his memories. There had been a period when the computers were hacked and some video's were shared, but he couldn't remember what the videos were of or if Beth's sister had been on one of them. He didn't even know what she had looked like.

And Mateo – what had he to do with this? Was Beth trying to claim _he_ had been the one behind those videos?

"Ask your brother, if ya really wanna know," Emilio said, as if he had heard Juan's thoughts. "They were in the same class, right? Either way, nothing happened around here without Mateo knowing about it."

Juan stayed silent, dragging on his cigarette. Deep down he doubted that he even _wanted_ to know what role his brother had played in the events leading to the death of Beth's sister.

* * *

Together with Emilio, Juan walked out to the parking lot, today his friend had given him a lift because they had the same classes. In the middle of the parking lot was a bright blue Chevrolet Impala; around which a crowd had gathered. Music was blasting from the speakers and when Juan recognized Dr. Dre's voice, he got a hunch of who was in that car.

As he got closer he saw an arm hanging out the rolled down window, with very familiar tattoos on it.

Next to him Emilio whistled. "Damn dude. That car's a real beauty. Why can't I get a brother like yours?" He wormed his way through the crowd and bumped his fist against Mateo's.

"Hey lil' brother," Mateo smirked as Juan found his way to the vehicle too. A bit overwhelmed Juan stared at the expensive car. "You like it?"

Juan didn't know how to answer, especially not with all those people around him. Instead of saying anything, he walked around the flashy car and sat down at the passenger seat, the beige leather cracking underneath him. With a wide grin Mateo looked at him, rubbing his knuckles over Juan's head.

"Thought they could use a reminder of who you are, now that I'm no longer around. If the ladies are trying to reject you, they've clearly forgotten what a marvelous god you are related to."

"You gotta be shittin' me! You told your brother about June and not me?" Emilio asked from the backseat. Juan hadn't even noticed his friend climbing in the car.

"I was high," he muttered. "I couldn't help what I said."

Mateo chuckled. "A sentimental shithead, that's what he was. He was almost crying because of a chick."

"I was not," Juan grumbled, elbowing his brother because they were still sitting in front of the school with open windows. Not _everybody_ needed to know about his crush. "I was just bummed."

From the corner of his eyes he still caught Mateo's smirk as he started the Chevrolet and slowly rolled off the parking lot.

"She hot?" he asked, his eyes aimed at Emilio via the rear view mirror.

"Hot?" Emilio repeated, grinning. "I wouldn't know, she only wears these oversized sweaters. Wait, there she is. The one on the left, who's staring at the ground; I'm starting to think she has a foot fetish or somethin' she's always looking down."

Wildly, Juan turned his head to the side. There she stood, staring at the ground just like Emilio had said.

"What was her name again?" Mateo asked. "June?"

Juan suddenly felt burning hot. Again he poked his elbow in his brother's side. "Come on dude, let her be."

"Yeah, June," Emilio answered from the back seat, and he repeated her name with a teasing tone.

"Hey come on," Juan tried once more. "Lets just leave, okay?"

But Mateo ignored him. He shoved his arm through the rolled down window and tilted his head. "Hey June! Get down here..."

She looked up as she heard her name. Her face was pale and even from here Juan could see how uncomfortable she felt.

"Shut up and get the hell outta here," Juan hissed.

"Nobody rejects my little brother and gets away with it. If she humiliates you, I'll make sure she..."

Juan cursed. "I'm serious man. Drive. This is fucking embarrassing. She did nothing wrong, she's just afraid I'm an asshole like you two."

Emilio started to laugh. "She should be happy with my attention. I would make her do things that never would occur in that pretty little head of hers. She'll never want to be banged by someone else after me."

Juan's eyes shot to June again, who still stood frozen on the sidewalk, staring at the car. Beth stood next to her, a raging fire could be seen in her eyes.

All Mateo did, was chuckle. "Hey June? You hear me? How much for a fuck? My –"

Juan slammed his fist on the horn so it would drown out his brother's words, as he motioned her trying to get her to walk away. A bit dazed June stared at him, as if she had no idea what was happening.

Beth was quicker. Her cold glance crossed his for a moment, as she grabbed her friend by the arm and pulled her away from the street.

Juan kept hitting the horn until Mateo snatched away his hand and looked at him with a glare.

Juan was too angry to be impressed by it. "You're such an asshole," he spat as his shame pushed his rage upwards. He swung the door open and slammed it shut as soon as he was out of the car. "Get the hell out of here man! Show Emilio around in your stupid new car, he's desperately looking for a so called cool brother." He swung his middle finger at the two and rushed away from the car, slamming his shoulders against the people who had been watching the spectacle as he worked himself through the crowd.

There was a lump in his throat and the tears were itching in his eyes, but he refused to cry.


	11. Loss For Words

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

June looked over her shoulder as she heard a car door slamming shut. With large steps Juan Carlos was quickly walking away from the vehicle; while his brother was shouting after him as he bumped into the onlookers who were staring at the spectacle his brother had made, but he ignored all of them.

June was frozen to the spot; if there was one thing she hated, it was bullying. It might have been just his friend and brother who were teasing him, but that almost made it even worse.

On top of it all, _she_ was the reason they were laughing at him. She hardly believed it, but maybe if she had been just a random girl in his eyes that he had wanted to mess around with, his friend and brother wouldn't have laughed at him – and it wouldn't have made him angry either. A tingly feeling shot through her stomach as her mind drifted back to the hallway, where they had stood in front of each other; he had asked her out, his hand brushing her face. She didn't even have to close her eyes to feel the back of his index finger stroking her cheek.

She really wanted to go after him, if only to make sure he didn't feel too bad. But what would she say to him? That she _really did_ have feelings for him? That she _really did_ want to go to the prom with him? She already knew she would clam up as soon as he was around. Still, he had stood up for her twice today; first when Emilio asked her those unpleasant questions and again just a minute ago when his brother was doing the same. She wanted to do something in return, she felt _obliged_ to do something in return – to thank him.

"June? Come on, let's go. Juan Carlos is gone, and if Mateo sees you hanging around he's just going to shout more stupid things." Again Beth's fingers closed around her wrist, but this time she pulled her arm away.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly to her friend. "I like him, Beth, I can't help it. I know you hate his brother. But Juan Carlos... He's different. Otherwise he would have been yelling those things at me himself." Nervously she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I feel bad acting like I didn't just see him walk away. If I hadn't turned him down, they wouldn't have made fun of him."

Beth heaved a deep sigh. "You know how his friends are. What makes you think he isn't just like them? He is going to break your heart, June. Why would you do that to yourself? Katie... Katie thought Mateo wasn't like his friends either. But he was the worst of them all."

June glanced over her shoulder again; Juan Carlos had almost disappeared from sight. "I won't forget what happened to your sister, Beth, I won't, and I still don't think I should go to prom with him. But... But just going home now doesn't feel right. I just... I just don't want him to feel bad. Not because of me." She smiled a bit sadly at her friend, pulled away her arm and rushed across the parking lot – giving the blue car a wide berth.

Her legs hurt because she tried to walk as hard as she could without running. She turned onto the street in which Juan Carlos had disappeared and stood up on the tips of her toes to try and see him. He was still in sight, only about 50 feet in front of her. If she were to call him, he would hear her.

But she didn't have the guts.

Her doubt rose again; what made her think this was a good idea? What made her think he even wanted to see her? There was a good chance that he agreed with his friend by now, realizing she wasn't a cool girl at all. She wasn't as pretty as all those other girls and she lacked their confidence.

Juan Carlos had reached a red traffic light. June considered this as a sign to continue her plan and walked closer. Her heart began to beat more and more fanatically with every step she took. Five more steps, four, three... a small part of her prayed that the traffic light would turn green. That didn't happen.

June stood still only three feet behind him. Should she tap his shoulder, call his name? She couldn't budge, even her tongue was lying in her mouth like a dead weight. She couldn't do this; she really hadn't thought this through.

Suddenly he turned around. His eyes widened as he saw her and in her shock June stepped back. She stammered a few incoherent syllables as heat was taking over her face.

"June..." he stammered as well, even though he could at least formulate her name. "I... What... Sorry..."

His cheeks were as red as hers had to be. It looked so sweet it made something explode in her stomach – something soft, something nice. Shyly she crossed her arms in front of her chest, her hands reaching up and holding her shoulders in an attempt to calm herself. _Say something to him, June. Come on._

But her head was empty. All thoughts had drained away. She looked up at him, lost, suddenly wishing that she had never gone after him. It felt like people were looking at them, as if they were all laughing at her.

Like Emilio and Mateo had done.

Just like she thought Juan Carlos would do, the minute he would come to his senses and realized she wasn't the girl he had been thinking she was.

He rubbed at his neck, looking away from her. The traffic light had turned green in the meantime, but he paid no attention to it.

"Sorry. For a moment I thought – well, that you had come after me. Which makes no sense at all. It's just a coincidence you're standing here. I just – I just thought I recognized your smell and then I turned around and..." He took a deep breath. His cheeks became even redder as his eyes became downcast. "And now I'm saying all those stupid things. Sorry. I will leave you alone and I hope my brother and friends will do the same."

 _He thought he recognized my smell?_ June's bewilderment at his jumbled speech made her jaw drop. Sure, his scent was unique, and every time he was around it swept her off her feet. But she had never imagined that her own scent would make her stand out; she never wore perfume or fancy lotions, nothing special beside her deodorant.

June realized that she _still_ hadn't said a single word, after Juan Carlos at least _tried_ starting a conversation with her.

"I – It isn't a coincidence that I'm standing here." She swallowed with difficulty. Why was it so unbelievably hard to talk to him? She had the feeling that every breath she took had the potential to suffocate her. "You – you seemed upset when you walked away. And I – I don't want you to feel bad. Es-especially not because of me."

"Because of you?" He took a step towards her and looked her right in the eye. June felt herself start to sweat. "June, you could never make me feel bad. Well, except for maybe yesterday," he added muttering. "But that was my own fault. I never should have asked you to prom, I mean you don't even know me!"

June bit her bottom lip. He was so sweet. Suddenly she longed for his touch again and with all her heart she wished he would caress her cheek once more. Nervously she put a strand of hair behind her ear. When she didn't know what to do with her hand, she fussed with the pendant around her neck; it was a rough, round piece of silver that had the Japanese symbol of hope etched into it. Her father had given it to her as a gift, right after her mother had been diagnosed with her disease. She always wondered if he had already known at that point that he would no longer be in her life a year later.

She shook off the memory and aimed her attention back to Juan Carlos. Skittishly she looked up at him. What would it be like, to go to prom with him? To be pulled close by his arms during a slow dance? Was there a chance he would try to kiss her? Butterflies raced through her stomach as her mind wandered once more. Her lips felt dry, but she didn't dare to wet them. Not when he was standing so close.

"I..." Her voice trailed off. She didn't know what to say. His eyes widened a bit as he looked expectantly at her. She bowed her head again, ashamed that she couldn't even say a full sentence to him.

She heard his feet shuffle across the ground. He was probably leaving, and why wouldn't he. She dared to bet he had never met such a strange girl.

"You eh... Would you like to get an ice cream? With me?"

June felt her heart falter. How was it possible that he still hadn't gotten tired of her and her inability to even have a conversation? Internally however felt boiling hot, so ice cream wasn't a bad idea at all. Even though she doubted her body temperature would drop as long as he was around and the thought of licking an ice cream cone while he was with her, was already embarrassing her. Keeping silent however wasn't helping anything, so she carefully looked up to him again. "O-okay."

A giant smile spread across his face and a bit dazed she stared at it. A deep warmth bubbled up inside her. Suddenly she wanted to touch him, as if she needed the certainty this wasn't one of her day dreams, but that he really was there showing her such a smile.

Holding her breath, her thumb moved to his face as if she was hypnotized, brushing along his bottom lip. She heard how he gasped for air and startled she pulled back her hand, looking anxiously at him. In his eyes she saw her own shock reflected.

"Sorry, I… uh…" she stammered. Her lips were trembling, she felt so nervous that all the warm feelings he had called up vanished and were replaced with anxiety and the urge to cry at her thoughtless action.

The smile didn't leave his face. "You don't have to apologize. I loved – I mean, there's nothing I want more than..." He swallowed, pressing his lips together and closing his eyes as if he was deep in thought.

In a flash she was brought back to what Emilio had told her: that his friend wanted to have sex with her. But that wasn't something that she wanted, and she didn't want to give him the impression she was ready for something like that. She stepped away from him, staring at him in confusion.

"I – I should go home." She stammered, wanting to walk away, but just like yesterday his fingers snaked around her wrist. The fact that he kept her from leaving again, reminded her of stories she had heard about his brother and she froze with the thought.

"Please, let me buy you an ice cream. You know, just to make it up to you a bit 'cause of my stupid brother and friend."

Bowing her head, she stared at his fingers around her wrist. His grasp felt firm, but not compelling, like she had been worried about and his thumb was softly brushing her skin leaving tingles behind.

When he let her go after apologizing ‒ again, her arm felt cold.

"There's this little Italian ice-cream parlour just on the other side of the road."

His voice sounded fragile almost as if he had given up hope and she had the feeling she would break her own heart if she rejected him _again._ So she breathed out shakily and nodded. She didn't dare to look up at him; afraid she would get caught in that smile again. A shiver crept down her spine. What insanity had made her caress his lip like that? Was it the same thing that happened to him this afternoon, when he touched her cheek? Could he also not control his actions? Did he also feel so confused? She thought about the words Beth had snarled at him in the hallway and imagined that he felt more embarrassed than she did now.

Hunching over a little June walked past him, crossing to the other side of the street.

* * *

 **I want to thank all of you for your comments! Especially** **BloodforInk** **since I can't thank you in person because of your guest account. Each review is always brightening up my day and encourages me to write along. (:**


	12. Stumbling

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

They didn't speak a word to each other until they had entered the ice cream parlour and were standing in front of the display case. Juan Carlos stood close to her and she felt him place his hand on her lower back very lightly as he leaned in to her to speak.

"What flavour do you want?"

She turned a bit so that she had a better view of the different flavours, which caused her back to press against his arm. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she could barely read what was written on the labels. Unconsciously, she leaned a bit more towards him until his arm was tight against her back. She felt how he hesitantly slipped his hand around her hip and pulled her a little closer; when she looked up him, her legs felt like they had turned to jelly when he showed her a shy smile.

June barely dared to breathe. It felt so nice to stand so close to him, to feel his arm around her. Somewhere in the back of her mind there was a whispering voice asking her how many other girls he had stood this way with, but something about his attitude gave her the reassurance that there weren't many.

She had forgotten about the ice cream long ago and was only reminded of where she was when the cashier asked them what he could get for them. Quickly she turned back her attention to the ice creams in front of her. "Eh, a little scoop of vanilla and strawberry please," she said quickly, mentioning the first flavours she could see in front of her. Her cheeks turned red.

Juan Carlos chose a chocolate and raspberry cone for himself and pulled his wallet out of his pocket to pay. He took away his arm from her back to count the bills and handed them to the man. When he didn't wrap his arm around her again, disappointment seeped into her heart.

"You've gotten ice cream here before?" he asked her as they were waiting until their ice creams were ready. It was clear as day he was trying to get a conversation going – which was much more than she had done herself.

"No," she answered quietly. "You have?"

A grin played around his lips. "I think I've tried all ice-cream joints within six miles from my place, but this one is absolutely one of my favorites." He took the ice creams from the seller and reached out, passing the vanilla-strawberry one to her. Clumsily she took it from him, afraid she would drop it if she accidentally touched his fingers.

The place had started to get a bit crowded, so they decided to leave the building. It felt too late to try and continue on the same subject, resulting in another awkward silence.

Silently June licked her ice cream, hoping she didn't look too stupid. Now and then her eyes flashed to his tongue and she could swear he did the same. Did he also wonder what kissing her would be like? The thought squeezed her throat. She would probably suck at it... she had never kissed a boy before. Just the thought alone of feeling his lips on hers, made her legs shaky.

"Did uh – didn't Beth try to stop you when you went after me?" he asked after a while.

June forced herself to look at him. Hesitating, she nodded. "She did. But uh, I went anyway."

There was that smile again, making her insides glow.

"Yea, I'm glad you did. It almost makes me feel grateful to my brother." A red glow spread across his cheeks. "But he never should have asked you... that question. I'm sorry. It's just... I never really liked a girl before and Mateo and Emilio think they are helping and that it's funny or something." He looked away from her and focused on his ice cream.

June was feeling even hotter. Had he really never liked a girl before? That was hard to believe – especially if _she_ was the one who had caught his eye now. Before she could come up with a response, Juan Carlos tripped over his own feet. In an attempt to keep himself from hitting the ground, his hand reached for her shoulder. She tried to catch him, but she wasn't quick or strong enough. He fell onto the ground, his ring catching and pulling along the sleeve of her sweater. This caused June to stumble too; the fabric of her sweater cutting into her neck as it pulled and with a ripping sound her sweater became torn, unable to withstand the momentum and weight of Juan Carlos falling. Dazed she noted there was now a rip stretching from her neck down to her elbow.

"Oh shit. Sorry June, sorry. Are you okay? Are you in any pain?"

"No, I'm fine," she muttered, still a bit confused as it had all happened so quickly. As she stood up from where she had fallen, her sweater slid down, revealing the cup of her bra. Because of her fall and the way her sweater had pulled she realized that it wasn't fully covering her breast and with flaming cheeks she turned away from Juan Carlos, readjusting the cup over her nipple and keeping the torn pieces of her sweater together. She blinked away the tears. Had he seen anything? She didn't dare to turn back toward him.

"June? I'm so sorry... It was an accident..."

With her free hand, that felt sticky because of the ice cream, she wiped her eyes. Her ankle pounded, she felt the pain now that the shock had drifted away.

Juan Carlos walked around her, as if he wanted to look her in the eye. "It really was an accident. You – you know that, right?"

She pressed her lips together, taking a deep breath through her nose. Only a perverse asshole would do something like that on purpose and June couldn't help to think that his brother was exactly such a person.

Was Beth right? Was Juan Carlos just like his brother? Had one of his stupid friends filmed this? Her eyes shot to the bystanders, but nobody seemed to be paying any attention to them.

"Did you see..." Her bottom lip quivered, she swallowed the words _my breast_ since it sounded unbelievably dumb. But he seemed to know what she meant, for he bent his head.

"Sorry. I wasn't looking purposely, but..." He rubbed his hand across his head. "I dunno what to say, except that I'm sorry." He looked to the side. "There's a shop over there. You want me – you want me to buy you somethin' new?"

June sighed shakily. She could make it home if she used a safety pin from her bag, she didn't need him to get her something new. "You don't have to. I– I'm going home. Um, sorry..."

She saw the disappointed look on his face, making her feel even worse. Jordy would have laughed about this, why couldn't she? Unless he was a great actor, she didn't believe he had done this on purpose. But she still couldn't look at him again – mainly because of her own embarrassment. So she turned her back to him and walked away as quickly as she could, before he could say anything more.


	13. If It's Meant To Be

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

The only times June had dared to look up, were when she needed to cross the street. The rest of her walk home; her eyes were aimed at the ground, the torn pieces of her sweater held tightly to her chest. A few times along the way her shoulder had bumped against someone else's jostling her, but other than a few harsh words she was left with her thoughts.

Of course there was no reason to be scared. Nobody would try to grab her breasts because her sweater was ripped. There was a good probability that no one had even noticed; she had always been the Plain Jane. Ordinary. Boring. Unseen.

Still, she felt relieved when she entered the house. Almost instantly that feeling was dashed as she tripped over the skates that were lying on the doormat. They could only belong to one person. Her thoughts were confirmed when from the living room she could hear Jordy's cheerful chatter.

June wished that the staircase had been in the hallway, so she could have headed for her bedroom immediately. Now she however needed to cross through the living room, which would be impossible to do without attracting her friend's attention.

Well, at least it was impossible to feel more embarrassed than she had during the last few minutes she had spent with Juan Carlos...

As soon as she had opened the door to the living room, Jordy's blue hair caught her eye. "There you are! Beth told me that you and Juan Carlos..." She trailed off, a frown creasing her eyebrows. "What happened to you sweater?"

For a brief moment June considered lying. Then she felt ashamed of herself for that kind of thought. Lying to her friend, why would she do that? But she found it awkward to talk about Juan Carlos; especially considering her mother was also there. Her eyes moved to the bed that was shoved against the wall. There was a kind expression on her mother's face, and the look in her eyes was curious.

June had purposely kept her feelings for Juan Carlos to herself. She didn't want to give her mother any false hope that she would be coming home with a boyfriend anytime soon. Her mother wasn't doing well, and the doctors had only given her a few years at most and every mother was curious about her daughter's first love. It was a milestone, something she could look forward to, and June didn't want to disappoint her.

But she knew Jordy. There was no doubt she had told her mother about her crush. She was at the house all the time, she even had her own key. Jordy always felt miserable whenever she couldn't talk to someone for more than an hour and since her own parents were always working because of their family business and June's mother could hardly leave her bed, she had gotten into the habit of stopping by a few days a week to talk to her. Her mother liked Jordy's company, she was energetic and she always acted like she was not to speaking to a sick woman, but to a friend.

"Junie?" Jordy stressed as she kept silent. There was a worried tone in her voice.

"I'm fine," June said quickly. "Someone tripped and grabbed my shoulder, which caused us both to fall on the ground."

"Let me guess, that someone's name is called Juan Carlos?" she asked with a smirk. "He's a bit clumsy, huh?"

June didn't know what to answer and so with a blush she headed upstairs. She put on another sweater, made a weak attempt to organize her thoughts and when she didn't succeeded, she went downstairs again. She kissed her mother's cheek, who held her hand for a moment and squeezed.

"Jordana told me about this Juan Carlos."

June glared at her friend, who shrugged her shoulders.

"What?! Girl! I ship you two, you are two cutest people on earth! The more people that are encouraging you, the bigger the chance you will believe he really likes you."

June flopped down on a chair close to her mother's bed and fussing with her thumbnail, as she got comfortable. "I already know. He told me, this afternoon." The corners of her mouth curled up a little as she thought back to that moment. He had tripped over his feet before she could have given him an answer.

"I wanna know everything, Junie. Everything!" Jordy clapped her hands, showing so much enthusiasm it made her blush.

June's eyes shot to her mother. It felt uncomfortable to talk about those things when she was around. On the other hand – she was still with them now, and she may not be able to have this type of a conversation with her in the future. Looking at her mom, she saw that her eyes were shining, she looked more energetic than the days before.

And thus she told them what had happened today. With her eyes fixed on the ground, she told them what Emilio had asked her and how angry Juan Carlos had been, how he later had brushed his hand along her cheek. Then everything just slipped past her lips. Her doubts, Mateo's behavior, her attempt to thank him, picking ice creams when he had wrapped an arm around her – and the stumble and fall.

After her last words, Jordy rushed into laughter, while on her mother's lips was a hint of a smile.

"Things like that happen, June," she told her. "It sounds like you weren't the only one plagued by nerves." She gave her a wink. "He really sounds like a sweet boy."

June felt her cheeks glow. "But we are so different. His brother and his friends... I will never feel comfortable around them. I panicked twice today." She intertwined her fingers. Her stomach felt jittery. "I just don't think it's going to work between us. I never thought so, that's why I didn't say anything about him."

And because her mother's heart had already been broken. How could she bring someone home if her mother had been abandoned by the love of her life? That was cruel, right?

"Well, I'm sure you two will figure it out." Jordy swung an arm around her shoulder, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Love is in the air. I can feel it!"

Her friend's confidence didn't make June's doubts go away. She felt too embarrassed to ever say something to him again and she was almost sure he also felt ashamed of what had happened today. Soon he would forget about how it had felt when he had wrapped an arm around her, how she had brushed his lip, and there would eventually be another girl attracting his attention. It was inevitable.

"Give it some time," her mother said. She reached for her hand and squeezed. "If it is meant to be, you two will find each other and stick together."


	14. Only Her

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

Juan leaned back against an enormous red brick pillar supporting the giant 59th Street Bridge above the East River. High above him cars were roaring along the road, but here, on the shore of the river, he could always find peace. This was the place where he had smoked his first joint, three years ago, just him and Mateo. Since then he had returned to this place every now and then; usually he came alone, but sometimes his brother would join. He hadn't shared this place with anyone else, not even with Emilio. He liked it that way, a place for him alone. Shrubs kept him from sight; only the people on the other side of the river could see him sitting here and they were too far away to recognize his face anyway.

Maybe he could take June to this place one day. How nice would it be to sit here with her, relaxing with him. Between his legs she would lean with her back against his chest and his arms around her waist: his chin resting on her shoulder, his cheek brushing her skin. Just enjoying the view with each other...

A warm glow spread through his stomach and he sighed softly.

But he would need a miracle first.

He took a long drag from his cigarette and leaned with his head against the wall, thinking back to this afternoon. Everything had gone so well... He had really believed they were taking steps forward. She had caressed his lip, she had leaned into him and he had wrapped an arm around her, he had told her that he had never liked a girl before her...

And then like the world's biggest idiot he had tripped over his own feet, dragging her along during his fall. Unbelievable. Mateo and Emilio hadn't even been around to ruin things for him this time, he had done it all by himself!

How he was going to fix this, he didn't know. He had seen the shame radiating from her face. Not that there was anything that she needed to be ashamed of; especially not from what he had seen. She didn't need to worry about the seize of her breasts; they actually had been larger than in his fantasies, and her nipple had been darker. He wished he could make the image of her breast disappear from his mind, he knew she hadn't want him to see it, but he couldn't control his thoughts and more often than not, she was on his mind.

With a cloud of smoke, he breathed out a deep sigh. He had already apologized to her; there was no point in doing it again. Besides, he felt that he hadn't said any words more often than _sorry._ Maybe he needed to let it go for a while, give her some space to get over her embarrassment. He would leave her alone for a few days, until the Jubilee Prom. Then he would ask her to dance with him.

* * *

Juan sat on the shore for at least an hour before he went home. He wasn't sure where he would go when he first left; back to his own house or to Emilio's since he didn't want to see his friend nor his brother. But in the end he chose to confront the latter; there was a big chance he wouldn't be at home anyway.

Unfortunately he was, Juan noticed as he walked up the drive and put the key in the hole, opening the door. A fierce argument drifted towards him. With a sigh he dropped down his backpack in the small hallway. Even before he reached the living room, he knew why his mother was berating his brother.

"What will the neighbours think when they see that car?! They will all think you stole it!"

Mateo was slumped down on the couch, just like when Juan had found him yesterday, blowing a cloud of smoke towards their mother. "They will gossip anyway." He dismissed.

"I want you to take it back!" She put her hands on her hips, her face was flaming red.

Juan muttered a greeting and went to walk straight to his room. However, when he walked past the couch, Mateo stopped him with his foot. _Wait,_ his eyes ordered him.

With a sigh Juan dropped down on the armrest of the couch, while his brother fuelled the fire even more. Juan stared at the ground. Their fights were nothing new, but he could never get used to them.

"I'm taking Juan to the pizzeria. Got some makin' up to do."

A little dazed Juan looked up after hearing his name.

"To a pizzeria? I just finished cooking!" Furiously, his mother pointed to the counter top.

The sight of all the dirty dishes caused Juan's fingers to itch; he hated to see such a mess and the knowledge that his food had been prepared on the same surface, ruined his appetite.

"Just freeze it. Just like we do whenever we cook and you don't show up."

After those words, Mateo left the room. A little defeated Juan followed him. He wasn't in the mood to get into the Chevy, but he still forced himself to do it.

Staring out of the window, he waited until they drove away. He didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry," Mateo said after a long while, realizing Juan wasn't about to talk before he did. "About this afternoon. I was just pissed that a bitch had rejected you."

"You humiliated me more than she ever could have."

His brother sighed, leaning with his elbow on the edge of the window, driving along the street. "I just wanted to have a li'l fun, put her in her place. She was an easy victim."

Juan gritted his teeth. "Sometimes you really are a dick."

Mateo snorted. "It's just a girl."

So many excuses.

"To me she's not just a girl." He dropped his eyes. "I love her."

His brother ignored the traffic light that was turning green, and the honking behind them. "You _what_?! You _love her_? What are you, a bitch? Don't say stupid shit like that man. You want some advice? Never tell a bitch you love her. Good chance she'll run away anyway, nobody wants to hear something so cheesy before they reach their thirties."

"Just drive," Juan said with a grim face. The advice his brother had given him, hadn't done anything good up to now. "You ain't such a great example yourself, huh? You've never even had a girlfriend."

Mateo laughed, even though it sounded anything but amused. "Because I just want to fuck those whores. What else should I do with them? You don't need a girlfriend to do that. And why the hell would you limit yourself to just one bitch."

Juan shrugged his shoulders and looked outside. Mateo had started the car again. "I only want her."

* * *

Juan didn't say much during the rest of the ride, and he kept his silence when they had bought themselves pizza. He just waited until his brother was ready to be done with this little trip. His angry frown showed Juan that their previous conversation was still bothering him.

But as always happened with Mateo, it was like his mood changed in the blink of an eye and he swung an arm around Juan's shoulder as they left the pizzeria. "My innocent, sweet little brother of mine," he said, shaking his head. "Being in love for the very first time." He pulled Juan's head closer and kissed his head. "Then lets win her heart, bro. I'll be a good brother."

A little awkwardly Juan scratched his neck. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

Mateo drove until they had reached a remote industrial park, where he then pulled his car at the side of the road.

"Get out."

Suspiciously, Juan looked around. "The hell is this?"

Mateo opened his own door and left the car without giving an explanation. Rolling his eyes, Juan did the same and walked around the car. Before the fender, Mateo had stopped. He held out his hand, between his fingers dangled the keys to the car.

"Take em, I'ma teach you how to drive."

Juan's eyes widened, his anger instantly forgotten. "Seriously?" he asked overwhelmed, feeling so enthusiastic that his voice cracked.

"Seriously." Mateo showed him a real smile. "Soon, you gotta show that girl of yours around in style, right?" He winked and hugged Juan with one arm. "You can always use this beauty."


	15. Fragility

_(Edited)_

 **THE PRESENT**

Juice didn't want to let her go, didn't want to look away from her, afraid she would disappear like a volatile daydream. Hadn't he had thousands of fantasies like this over the years?

Soothingly, she stroked her thumb along the back of his hand, gently pulling him towards her house. As the years had gone by it felt like her fingers had been everywhere on his body, it didn't seem to matter who he had taken to his bed, in his imagination it was always her touch and it had never felt as real as it did now in this moment.

Again tears welled up in his eyes as he looked towards her, taking in her face. She hadn't changed a bit. He could still feel the warmth, the love that radiated from her and he wanted to drown himself in it. He wanted to pull her close, feel her fingertips travel down his jaw, taste her lips.

But she had opened her heart for someone else. Of course she had; an amazing woman like her would never have stayed alone for such a long time. He had hoped that she had moved on with her life, that she had built a family, and that she was happy, but the thought of her doing all of that with someone else still ripped him apart.

Her and him, they should have been together. They should have grown old together. Then the club would never have been able to consume him, he never would have done all those horrible things. There never would have been an empty house to return to, there never would have been the loveless touches of nameless women keeping him awake during the night.

But they hadn't been that lucky. He hadn't allowed himself to be that lucky. He had wished for something better for her, someone better.

They stepped through the front door. Juice leaned with his shoulder against the wall as a sudden outbreak of panic took over his body, squeezing his throat, causing his breath to escape in sharp, shallow pants.

They would find him. They would find him and then they would find her and they would hurt her.

For a moment, there was nothing but the swirling darkness around him, tugging at him, screaming at him. _Turn around. Turn around._ He was torn, he wanted to choke, he wanted to die but he also wanted to breathe, wanted to live.

"Hey... Look at me, Juan."

He felt her hands cupping his cheeks, startling him; cutting right through the sudden coldness that was consuming him. He was gasping for breath, staring into her eyes. They were still that blueish grey, large. Filled with sorrow. Sorrow that had never been there before.

"All right? You're safe here. You're safe, baby."

Her hands glided to the back of his head, bending it a little until her forehead rested against his. He felt her breathing brush across his lips while her thumbs were moving up and down along the tensed muscles in his neck.

Juice squeezed his eyes tightly, trying to stop the tears, but they kept pushing themselves through his eyelashes. His breathing however had calmed down and the tight darkness that was consuming him was slowly draining from his mind.

"Oh Juan... What happened to you?" Her arms glided around him, pulling him in and holding him tight.

Juice buried his face in the crook of her neck. His quivering lips touching her lightly and he felt how she shivered in response. Oh, how he wished he could turn back time. There was nothing he wanted more than to get her back.

"I'm so sorry," he muttered against her skin. "I felt so lost without you, my life was so pointless."

June started to sob too. Her arms tensed around him. "Then why did you leave?" she cried. "Why did you never come back to me? I never understood why you left – I still don't!"

She stepped back so she could look at him. Her tear-stained face made his heart cringe. He wanted to touch her, wanted to feel her warmth again, but he knew her own pain had pushed itself to the front now.

He owed her answers – he had owed her answers for fifteen years.

Juice took a few deep breaths and rubbed his cheeks dry, even though he knew they would be wet again within a few minutes. He nodded, rather to convince himself of telling her the truth than actually answering her. The look in her eyes became softer, although he could still feel her pain.

She was still hurt. After all these years.

She walked further into the house and invited him into the living room. When he walked past her, he felt her hand on his lower back as she pushed him gently towards the dinner table.

"I'm going to make tea," she said quietly, "and I have to check on my son."

Juice nodded blankly and lowered himself onto the nearest chair. He heard her rummaging behind him in the kitchen, where after she went upstairs. His eyes fluttered through the house. The living room was square, with decent grey furniture and a large dark red carpet. Here and there were toys, and on the dresser on the other side of the room he saw a few picture frames. He was curious to her family, but at the same time he didn't want to torture himself by looking at the family he could have had.

If he had searched for another solution back then, would they have lived together in this house? Would it have been his son that she was checking on now? A son... He squeezed his lips. He would never have a son now. How much longer did he have before they would find him? A week? Maybe a month? Hell, he might not even make it to tomorrow.

He heard footsteps on the stairs again. June came down, poured the tea in two mugs and put them on the table. She sat down in the chair next to him, but turned sideways, so that her face was towards him.

Her finger followed a groove on the wooden table. Juice turned sideways too. Their knees touched now, but she didn't move her legs to the side. On the contrary, she leaned forward and took his hand. A pink glow spread across her cheeks, the same one that had made his heart beat faster so many times in the past.

"I need to hold you," she said softly, her eyes aimed at her knees. "Otherwise... I can't trust myself that you're really here."

Juice cleared his throat, but the lump didn't go away. Even though he knew she wanted answers, he needed to ask a question himself first. A question that had been on his mind for fifteen years.

"Are you – are you happy, June?"

Her thumb brushed his forefinger. It distracted him, but he kept his glance at her face.

"Are we going to give each other honest answers?" she asked quietly. "Even if they will hurt us?" She looked up to him.

Juice took a deep breath and nodded.

June bit her lip, her shoulders slumped down. "The past fifteen years I haven't felt truly happy for a single day."

Defeated, Juice bent his head. That wasn't what he had wanted to hear. Again, the tears began to roll down his cheeks and this time she wasn't trying to comfort him.

"Luna told me you were with another woman," June said after a while. Her voice sounded fragile. "Why – why didn't you just tell me?"

Shakily, he breathed in. His head was still bent; he stared at her fingers around his. "There never was someone else. My sister... she really liked you. And she – she believed you deserved something better than the life I could give you. Especially after..." He took a deep breath. The memories threatened to break down his already wounded heart.

"I didn't want another life than one I had with you. How... How could you decide for me what life I deserved?" Sadness colored her voice, but Juice couldn't bring himself to look at her.

He took another deep breath. "I fucked up, June. I fucked up everything. After what happened with Mateo..." He swallowed, pressing his lips together as he mentioned his brother's name. He had never spoken about him after leaving Queens. No matter how close he had been with his brothers; he had never told them about his real brother. "I pissed off the wrong people. I needed to leave Queens; I couldn't go home anymore. If they would have followed me, if they found out how much you meant to me... I had to let you go, June." Finally he looked up at her. Her eyes were shining like wet gems, taking his breath away for a moment. "I didn't want you to have to live like a fugitive. I couldn't make you leave behind your friends, your family, your dreams. Not for me. We were only twenty, there was plenty of time for you to fall in love again."

She turned away her face and started to sob again. Pulling her fingers away from him, she leaned with her elbows on the table and buried her face in the palm of her hands.

"I thought... that you wouldn't go looking for me if you thought I was with someone else. That if you hated me you would let me go, then you would be safe."

She didn't answer. Juice didn't even know if she was still listening to him. With all his heart he wanted to pull her in his arms, but he knew she had turned away from him purposely, she was pulling away.

Defeated he bowed his head, tears itching along his cheeks again.


	16. A Heavy Heart

_(Edited)_

 **THE PRESENT**

June had wrapped her hands around the mug. Her fingers were shaking. The tea had cooled off by now, but she still got lost staring into her turbid drink. She took a sip hoping that it would ease her soar throat.

She looked aside. Juan had bent his head and was staring at his knees. There were spatters on his jeans, the remnants of his tears. June wiped her eyes. The silence was suffocating her, but she didn't know what to say.

There had never been someone else. He had left her to protect her. It had been an act of love – a desperate, unforgivable act, but he had done it because he had loved her. Because he had loved her too much to risk her.

She knew she never would have been able to do it herself; not even if it had put him in danger, and because of that it made his decision to leave even braver.

But fifteen years had passed. _Fifteen years._ Why had it take so long for him to come back? Why had he come back at all? They weren't anywhere close to being done talking, but for today she had said enough. She was too emotional, and he wasn't any better.

"You can't stay here," she said softly. "Maybe later, once we have dealt with things."

He looked up. Again there was this lost, empty gaze. It broke her heart.

"I never intended to stay. I just wanted to see you one last time before..."

She placed her finger against his lips. "Don't," she whispered. "I'm not ready for this to be goodbye."

He kept silent. Her thumb was brushing across his lip and she thought back to the first time she had done that. Back then there had been a dazzling smile that would cross his lips. Now she got the impression he had lost that smile years ago.

Shakily, she breathed in. Before the tears could overpower her once more, she stood up. "I'll call Jordy. She has a spare room."

"You don't have to, June," he answered quietly. "I don't wanna bother anyone else."

Her heart squeezed as he said her name. She had never thought she would hear that again. It made her knees feel weak and she dropped sideways on his lap. She felt how he inhaled sharply, and saw his eyes go wide.

"Hold me," she whispered.

Hesitating, Juan did as he was told; first wrapping one arm around her, then the other. With her cheek she leaned against his shoulder, inhaling deeply, taking in his scent.

"Let me help you, Juan. Please. You need me. And I... I need you." She looked up to him. "Promise me that you won't disappear one day, not again. Not without telling me."

He rubbed his face, unrest was gleaming in his eyes. "I can't stay, June. There are – there are people who want me dead. I can't... your son..."

Caressing his cheek, June looked into his panicking eyes. She gave him a soft kiss, making him cut off his sentence immediately.

"I don't wanna hear it, Juan," she whispered. "Not now."

Before she could be tempted to let it lead to a real kiss, she pulled back her face. Her fingertips wandered across his stubbled cheek – it was impossible not to touch him.

He was the man that had hurt her, to the depths of her soul. But she had also loved him more than she had ever loved anyone.

"For fifteen years you have stayed out of your enemy's hands. I don't know how long you been on the run again, but I know you never would have come here if you thought they would find you so soon. Let go of the fear, baby. Just for a while. Let me help you." She held his gaze. "Please."

Slowly, he nodded. "Okay," he whispered. "Okay, give Jordy a call. She eh – she isn't sleeping with any bikers, right?"

Her lips curled up a little. Jordy had always had a thing for eccentric people; a biker could easily have been one of them. "She's with a painter," June answered. "You think you can handle that?"

For a moment there was a hint of a smile on his lips. Her chest swelled with love, it felt like there was still a bit of her Juan hidden inside this man and she was determined to pull the rest of him to the front too. She took her phone from the kitchen table and headed out the back door.

Before she called Jordy, she sniffed deeply, trying to clear her nose; because of all the sobbing her whole head seemed to be congested. Again she rubbed her face and glanced back inside.

From behind the dinner table Juan was staring at her, but as soon as she tried to show him an encouraging smile, he bowed his head. She sighed softly. He looked so lost, so damaged. It was impossible to try and imagine what had happened to him. She almost wondered if there were really people after him, or if the danger was all in his head. The moment their eyes had connected, she had known that he suffered from PTSD, which was one more reason she wanted him around Jordy. Her friend knew how to deal with people who had gone through traumatic events.

She focused on the screen again, looking up Jordy's name and pressing the green button. For a moment the fear arose that she wouldn't pick up the phone, June wouldn't know what to do without her friend's help. Then there was a click.

"Hey Junie! Is everything okay?"

"Eh... I don't know," she answered softly. "Umm, Juan is here."

For a few seconds there was a silence – which was a miracle in itself during a phone call with her friend.

"What?" Jordy asked in a dazed tone.

"Yeah..." She glanced through the window. "He is confused, in panic... he's been at my house for almost an hour and he hasn't done much besides crying. I doubt he has a place to go to and I don't want him to meet Ravi yet. Not before I know if he'll stick around."

"You haven't told him?"

"No, he's too upset. If I tell him now, that he has a fifteen year old son... I think he might collapse." She bit her lip.

"And I take it you haven't told him about you and E?"

"No, we haven't been able to talk that much. He only told me why he left Queens."

Patiently, Jordy waited while June, tripping over her words, told her what Juan had said to her.

"Damn..." Jordy said quietly. "That's intense! How do you feel?"

She shrugged. "It hurts to see him this way. I'm really worried about him. Can he stay with you for a while?"

"Of course he can, sweetie. Don't worry about that. The door is always open; for you, for E, for the kids. And also for Juan."

June let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you," she whispered. She already knew how blessed she was with a friend like Jordy, but again her helpfulness always surprised her. Nothing was ever too much for her. "I'll tell him."

She said goodbye to her friend and went inside the house again. Juan looked up as he heard her footsteps. Hope was beaming in his eyes, she felt his longing for someone to stay with him and she wished she could have been that one herself.

"Jor is okay with you coming over," she said, glancing at her watch. "We can continue a conversation tomorrow if you want." It was getting close to the end of the day and Ravi would be home from school soon.

He nodded, but avoided her eyes. "Will it bother your boyfriend that I stopped by? I mean – does he know about me? I don't wanna... I don't wanna cause a fight."

 _If you only knew_...

But she couldn't tell him the truth, she was too afraid how he would respond. He wouldn't understand – sometimes she didn't even understand it herself.

"I might have some explaining to do," she muttered. That wasn't a lie – it just wasn't her boyfriend that would need the explanation.

She took a notepad from the table and wrote down Jordy's address.

"Promise me you'll go to her, Juan," she said after handing him the piece of paper. She kept his glance.

A bit distracted he nodded. "Yeah, okay. I promise. First I need... First I need a ride to clear my head, but tonight I'll stop by."

June smiled. His eyes shot to her lips, making her blush. That would probably never change.

She walked with him to the hallway. Right before he left, they exchanged their numbers. A little awkwardly they stared at each other.

She didn't want him to leave, everything in her screamed for him to stay. But she knew he couldn't.

"I see you tomorrow, right?" she asked, kissing his cheek.

"Yeah..." he answered quietly. His arm glided around her and he pulled her close. "Thank you, June."

She felt his lips against her forehead and squeezed her eyes. Then they let go of each other and he walked away.

With a heavy heart June watch him leave. She swallowed with some difficulty. _Please, don't let this be the last time I see him._

* * *

"You wanna tell me what's goin' on?" His hand stroked her side before settling on her hip.

With a sigh she rolled to the left, so she could look at Emilio's face in the dim light.

"Since I've been home from work you've been in your own little world."

"I'm still trying to get my mind around what happened today," she said quietly. Her fingers caressed the back of his hand for a while, until she moved them up across his arm and shoulder to his face, softly stroking his skin. Stubble scrubbed underneath her touch. "Juan was here this afternoon."

She felt how his body tensed. "What?"

"Yeah."

Emilio reached out for the light on the night stand; turning it on so he could see her face. His eyes were wide in disbelief. For a while he stared at her, then the corners of his lips curled up, forming his typical grin. "Still a better kisser than me?"

His light response let the fog inside her head clear a bit. She looked him in the eye. "We didn't kiss."

Emilio let out a disbelieving laugh. "Even I would smack one on him after this long."

June raised herself on her elbow, supporting her head with her hand. "He was so broken, he cried almost the whole the time." She laced her fingers with his and sighed. "I have never seen such a horrible thing. The thought of it still hurts. He must have been through some terrible times."

Emilio dropped his eyes, his thumb rubbing the back of her hand. "Where's he now?"

"At Jordy's."

He nodded, his eyes still aimed at the blankets. "You think he'd wanna see me?"

"I don't know," she said honestly.

The two of them hadn't parted as friends, eighteen years ago. She knew Juan had never hated someone so much as his former best friend.

June had forgiven him, but whether Juan would be able to do that as well... She had her doubts – especially in his current situation.

"You want him back?"

"Emilio..." she sighed.

He looked up. "It's okay, June. It really is. I know you love him more than you love me, it has always been that way, and I also know he loved your more than I ever could."

"He abandoned me, E. You think I can just forget about that?"

Emilio stroked her cheek. "But not for the reason you thought, huh? There was no other girl."

She bent her head, pressing her lips together. Emilio had never believed that Juan had dumped her for another girl, but when he came back in her life, ten years had already passed. It hadn't made a difference.

"No. He told me today that it was because he had pissed off the wrong people and that he left to keep me safe."

"And he let Luna tell you he was with someone else, so you wouldn't go looking for him."

Slowly she nodded, a little blindsided that he knew his former friend so well that he could still explain his behaviour after all these years.

"Makes sense." Emilio said as he shifted a little closer, stroking her cheek, her neck, her shoulder. "I just want you to be happy, June. I've tried to make you happy for five years now, but I know he is always in the back of your mind."

She looked past him, swallowing a sigh. "It's only because of your guilt that you're pushing this so hard. Guilt towards me. Towards Juan."

"And because I love you."

Hearing those words, made her cringe.

A sad smile appeared around Emilio's lips. "I know you shielded off your heart since Juan left you. You have never told me that you love me, and I have never heard you even say it to Rafi and Glenn."

June blinked away a few tears. He was right. Since Juan had left her, those words had never slipped through her lips again. What kind of mother was she, if she couldn't even tell her own children she loved them?

But saying those words had felt like a curse, one that had only brought her pain in the past. Everyone that she had ever admitted her love too was out of her life now. Her father. Her mother. Beth. Juan.

Jordy was the only one who had stuck around, through thick and thin, as if an angel sent by God. Without her, she never would have made it.

"He isn't the same man that I loved all those years ago, E. He's changed, we all have."

For far too long June had hoped for his return. But now, she didn't want to slip back to that uncertainty, reopening all the old wounds, with that thin hope that he would stay. She wanted to help him, wanted to see that beautiful smile return to his lips, but being together with him like they had been in the past... She couldn't, too much had happened. Snuggling closer to Emilio, resting her head on his shoulder, she closed her eyes. She might never have said it to him, but she did love him. "I don't wanna lose you, E."

His hand raked through her hair as he pressed his lips against her forehead, just like Juan had done a few hours ago.

His silence weighing heavy on her heart as she drifted off.


	17. Prom Date

_(Edited)_

THE PAST

June let her hands slip across the burgundy, silky fabric. It was a beautiful dress, perhaps the most expensive garment she had ever worn. A gift from Jordy. Her shoulders were bare, the short sleeves rested upon her upper arms, as if a continuation of the modest neckline. The bodice hugged her upper body perfectly and from her waist the dress fell down as if in waves, hiding her dainty heels from view.

Shawna had put up her hair for the evening, leaving only a few strands to curl down along her face. A little dazed she stared into the mirror on the closet door, the only thing she needed to look like a princess, was a tiara.

She never felt this way about herself, but she looked pretty.

Jordy's arm slipped around her waist as she kissed her cheek. "You are so beautiful, June. If Juan Carlos doesn't make a move tonight, I'm going to lock the two of you inside a closet until you have kissed."

June's cheeks flushed. Since the _fall incident_ she hadn't talked to him and that was more than two weeks ago. Now and then they had been peeking at each other and a few days ago she had even knocked over her soup because she had caught him smiling at her, but after that stupid action she hadn't dared to look at him anymore.

"Do you regret that you aren't going to prom with him?" Shawna asked, tying a red ribbon around her waist that contrasted with her white dress.

June laced her fingers. Every night that had passed since Juan Carlos had asked her, she had stared at the ceiling, wondering what it would be like to go to prom with him. To walk hand in hand through the hall, to be held by him during a slow dance...

"I think my nerves would have been so bad that I would have been too sick to leave the house," she admitted.

The nervousness had already nestled into every cell of her body, even though it remained to be seen if she would be able to talk to him at all tonight. Maybe he had found some beautiful girl who hadn't been too scared to go with him.

"Who are you going with?" she asked Jordy. Her friend had always found it ridiculous that a boy was expected to ask a girl, so she had wanted to take the initiative herself. It however had turned out to be hard to choose someone, so that June had been afraid that she wouldn't ask someone at all. Her idea of who her perfect date could be had changed with every passing day.

"I'm going with Marley."

"Marley?"

"Yeah, you'll recognize him when you see him. Dark dreads, beautiful smile..." She showed a wide grin. "Too stoned to ask someone himself." She shrugged her shoulders. "He's cute. Not my first choice, but we can't all be the lucky ones."

"Then who was your first choice?"

Jordy chuckled, leaning towards the mirror as she applied a thick layer of eyeliner. "I was in a noble mood, willing to sacrifice myself for you."

"What?" June asked, frowning.

"I figured that if I could keep Emilio busy all night, there would be a bigger chance that Juan would get up the nerve to go talk to you. But sadly, Emilio found my proposal hilarious, laughed in my face and told me he would go to the circus if he wanted to see clowns."

Jordy's face looked dismissive and indifferent, but her tone told June his words had hurt her. She might dress herself differently than the rest of the school and attract attention with her partly shaved blue hair; but she still wanted people to like or at least respect her for having her own style.

"Would you really have done that?" Shawna asked with giant eyes. "Spend the whole evening with him just for June?"

"Well, he is looking good these days..."

"That's the only thing one can possibly like about him," Shawna mumbled, her eyes aimed at the ground. "A few days ago he took my lunch and told me I was too ugly to look at and that I didn't need to keep fatten myself up."

"That's what I mean! Those rude comments have to be coming from somewhere, right? I would like to know why he's acting like an asshole all the time." She shrugged her shoulders. "He has to have a nice side too. Maybe he just needs someone to remind him of it."

June was impressed by the way her friend was always trying to approach people in a positive way. If someone had said something that rude to her, she wouldn't feel the need to get to know him. But maybe her friend was right. There also had to be a reason why he was Juan Carlos' best friend, right?

June glanced at her nightstand, where her alarm clock was standing. Within half an hour her date would pick her up. A week ago Rodey had asked her to the Jubilee prom. Being asked by someone from the football team had been the last thing she had expected, but Rodey was Jordy's cousin and June had the feeling he only asked her to do his cousin a favor. It was hard to imagine he had wanted to ask her himself; they had never talked and there were always lots of girls circling around him.

The prospect that she would have to spend an evening with a boy she didn't know, had resulted in her finger nails being the outlet for her anxiety. There had been multiple times in which she had considered just staying home, just like Beth was, but again and again Jordy had persuaded her to go.

She aimed her glance at Shawna, who didn't look any less nervous than June felt. She had the same lack of experience with boys as June, and it had been Jordy who had also arranged her date; a somewhat quiet boy who tutored her in math. June only knew him by sight, but he looked just as insecure as Shawna and she had a feeling they would be okay together.

How she pictured her own prom going, she didn't know. Instead of her date, it was Juan Carlos who was constantly on her mind and she wondered how he would feel now, knowing that she was going with a guy who didn't have a better reputation than Juan Carlos' friends when it was up to girls. The excuse she had given him when she turned him down, felt useless now, and even though Rodey was June's cousin had been the only reason she had agreed to go with him, it still didn't make up for the fact that she was going with a guy she barely knew.

"I think you should go," she said, hesitating. "Before your dates are at your doors without you being home. "

The girls nodded, giving her a hug. "We'll see you at the prom!"

* * *

At exactly 8 PM the bell rang. Her two little sisters ran to the window, giggling as they spied upon the visitor. June took a deep breath, gave her mother a kiss and walked to the hallway.

She put on the black jacket she had laid out and opened the door. Rodey was leaning with one shoulder propped against the door jam, with a nonchalantly air around him. As soon as she stepped over the threshold though, a surprised look crossed his face.

"Wow, you look beautiful, June." His voice sounded friendlier than she remember. He dipped his head to kiss her cheek. "You ready to go?"

Hesitating, she nodded. Rodey offered her his hand and June laid hers into it, where after they walked to the car together. For a moment she imagined it was Juan Carlos who was walking next to her, that he was the one who had told her she looked beautiful, who was holding her hand. A pink glow spread across her cheeks at the thought. Regret swirled through her nervous body and quietly she sat down in the dark green car.

"Are you excited for tonight?" he asked, starting the engine, taking off in the direction of the event. Before she could answer though, he laid a hand on her thigh.

June stared at it as it rested heavily upon her leg, she didn't like his touch. There was something compelling about it, and June had to remind herself that he was Jordy's cousin and that he was doing this as a favor ‒ no strings attached. As soon as a boy draped an arm around her or laid a hand on her leg she felt like she clammed up, nerves rising.

Trying to shake off her unrest, she nodded. "Yes," she said softly. "Everyone is looking forward to it."

The atmosphere stayed a little forced as they drove towards where the prom was being held. June asked questions about his training and the last match he had played. She didn't care much about sports, but it was clear he loved to talk about it and it allowed her to sit in silence through the ride.

June felt relieved as they arrived at the parking lot, now she wouldn't have to be alone with him for much longer. Her relief however disappeared as they passed a bright blue car that she recognized immediately. A group of people had gathered around it and her stomach twisted as her glance caught Mateo. Not even for a moment had she considered that he would be here tonight.

Would he recognize her? The nerves increased, after Rodey had parked the car and she got out, needing to lean against the vehicle for a while as her knees felt weak.

Her hands were clammy and her breathing was tight in her throat. Suddenly she wished Jordy was around; she could have taken away the tension with a single comment. Secretly she had hoped Rodey was a bit more like his cousin, she never would have expected that those two were family. He was wearing a cobalt blue suit with a white shirt and tie. His dark brown hair was gleaming because of all the gel he'd put into it. There was no question that he was absolutely good looking, but everything about him felt fake; the way he talked and walked, even his smile didn't seem genuine. He swung his arm around her as they crossed the parking lot and his hand hugged her hip. She needed to restrain herself from pulling away from him, especially when he guided them closer to the blue car.

Her hands were shaking as they neared the small group. He was there too – she could feel it. It felt like Rodey knew about her feelings too; suddenly he pulled her closer, so quickly that she almost tripped over her own feet. She didn't dare to look away from the ground as they passed the group. She heard Mateo's voice, but she was too nervous to focus on his words. Part of her was expecting that he would sneer at her, luckily that didn't happen.

Quickly she walked further. Only when she had entered the building and handed off her jacket at the coat check, her breathing normalized a bit.

But not for long.

When she turned around, she found herself looking straight into Emilio's eyes, as a way too wide grin spread across his face.

"Holy shit, June!" His eyes wandered across her body. "You should leave those sweaters in your wardrobe more often! Tonight my homie isn't gonna be the only who's getting a boner because of you."

Suddenly a loud slap sounded and his head shot forward. Wildly he turned around, but he didn't hit back.

"That's no way to talk to beautiful ladies."

June's eyes almost popped out of their sockets as she noticed Mateo, who pushed the boy away from her.

He bowed towards her and whispered in her ear: "Do me a favor and give my little brother a bit attention tonight. I think he spent even more time in front of the mirror than you."

A fat wink followed, where after he swung his arm around a red haired girl and disappeared in the crowd.

A second later she felt a hand on her own waist. For a split second the hope flamed that it was Juan Carlos, but it wasn't. She was sure she would have sensed him being so close.

"What did he want from you?" Rodey's voice sounded close to her ear.

"Nothing," she muttered quickly. Her eyes fluttered through the crowded room as they maneuvered their way to the hall. After a few steps she saw him, only a meter from the entrance. With wide eyes he stared at her, and when their eyes met, he lifted his hand and waved. He didn't look as slick as Rodey; he was wearing a dark jeans with a black vest upon a white shirt, without a tie. Blushes appeared on her cheeks; he looked really handsome without pretending to be someone else – which June felt she was doing by wearing Jordy's beautiful dress.

For a while they just stared at each other. June didn't even notice she stopped, frozen in the moment, holding her breath. She only became aware of that when the beautiful blonde girl next to him turned around, smiled and grabbed his hand.

June felt a pang in her chest and turned her face away. She really was a beautiful girl, he was probably glad she had rejected him.

The grasp on her hip became firmer, reminding her that Rodey was still holding her close. Swallowing a sigh, she walked on and entered the banquet hall. Hopefully she would find her friends soon. Or did Rodey expect that she would stay with him and his friends for the whole evening?

* * *

 **Sooo, is there anything you would love to see happening on the prom? ;D**


	18. Awkward Conversations

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

June was angry.

Why had she done this to herself? _She_ could have been the one who he was holding now, who had her head resting against his chest as they slowly swayed to the music. His hands could have been resting on _her_ back.

It hurt to watch them. Still her eyes were wandering off in their direction again and again, like an wound one couldn't stop touching.

She felt stupid, so stupid.

A warm breathing caressed her ear. "Why didn't you go to prom with him?"

June was asking the exact same question herself.

She turned her face away from Juan so she could look at her own dance partner. Her cheeks flushed. Rodey reached out and caressed her cheek with his thumb, as if he wanted to rub a mark off her face. She wanted to pull her head away from him, but the questioning look in his eyes kept her in her place.

"You like him, right?"

June swallowed with difficulty. What should she say? There was nothing strange about his question, apparently he had seen that she couldn't take her eyes off Juan. But she didn't know the answer, she really didn't. The first time he had asked her, she had been afraid it had been a joke, but later when he had told her he liked her, she had believed him. If they hadn't fallen that day, if he hadn't seen her breast... would they have gone to prom together? The memory let the shame wash over her again and she bowed her head.

"You're just a little shy, aren't you?" Rodey's arm glided tighter around her as he pulled her closer. "Maybe he'll come to you if we make him jealous."

"No," she muttered. "There's no need to do that."

He laughed softly. "Whatever you want, babe. I have to admit I'd much rather keep you close." Once more his lips came close to her ear. "We can have a good time too tonight, don't you think?"

Something nasty swelled in her stomach. For a moment panic flamed up, before she reminded herself of the pep talk she had given herself earlier today. She shouldn't panic all the time when someone touched her or flirted with her.

Those were just words, meaningless touches. He probably didn't know how to act any other way.

"Y-yes," she stammered. "Of course."

He kept her glance. His face came closer and June quickly turned hers away. "I uh –I'll get a drink," she said. "You um – you want something too?" She stepped back so that his hands slid off her back. They had been dancing for twenty minutes now, and not many people were still exclusively with their dates. Her eyes shot through the crowd, searching for her friends, but it was so crowded and the hall was so large and dark she wasn't able to find them immediately.

"Eh, I'll walk with you." Rodey seemed a bit blindsided by the change in topic– or maybe disappointed was a better word.

"You don't have to."

For a moment he held her glance, then he nodded. "Alright. I'll have a coke."

June turned around and rushed towards the bar, intentionally letting other people go first so she didn't have to go back just yet.

A little absent-mindedly she shuffled further and further. She was just about to place her order as her eye caught a tattooed arm leaning on the bar next to her. Quickly she turned away her head away, hoping he wouldn't notice her.

Unfortunately, he did. A few seconds later she heard his voice.

"What do you want to drink, June?"

"Nothing," she muttered, hoping he would leave her alone. She would rather be alone with Rodey than with Mateo.

"Then why are you standing here?"

Skittishly she peeked aside. A smirk was dancing on his lips. Now that she stood so close to him, she realized he looked a lot like Juan. The same brown eyes, the same nose, even his smirk reminded her of the day Juan had talked to her for the first time. And still they were so different; Mateo lacked the same soft expression, or his insecure glance.

"Are you blown away by my beauty?" he asked, lifting the corner of his mouth. "I gotta admit I'm blown away by yours. I can see why my brother has a crush on you."

Heat ascended to June's cheeks. Not a single word passed her lips.

"If you ain't thirsty or in the mood to talk... how about a dance?" He offered his hand.

Petrified, June stared at it. A dance. As if she would ever want to dance with him. His brutality made her even a little angry; the last time she had seen him, he had treated her as if she was a whore. She remembered Juan's shame all too well.

"Shouldn't you ask 'how much?' first?"

Surprise crossed his face. For a moment he stared her in the eye and even though the nerves were rolling through her body, she didn't look away. Not this time.

In the end he was the one turning his face away and ordering two drinks. He put one glass in front of her, the other he lifted as if he wanted to make a toast.

"You're more spirited than I thought, June. I like it." He turned his body until he was leaning with both his elbows on the bar and looked aside. "Tell me... You like my little brother as much as he likes you?"

Suddenly June felt so hot she picked up the glass and took a big gulp. Mateo smirked, as if that had been his intention.

"I... I guess," she muttered, not finding it in her heart to deny it. Besides, she was sure he knew about her feelings anyway.

"Then why did you reject him?"

June looked away. Was everyone going to ask that question tonight? She shrugged her shoulders. "I didn't know him. I wanted to go with someone I knew."

"And you know that pretty boy of yours well? I think you would even look more comfortable if you were dancing with me," he grinned.

"I doubt that," she muttered, feeling uncomfortable because he was monitoring her reactions so closely.

With a smirk, Mateo took a drink from his glass. June did the same. It was hard to believe she was really having a conversation with Mateo at the moment – a conversation existing of more than three words.

"Juan's date is a beautiful girl, isn't she? Her name is Anna."

The change of subject was so sudden June felt cold. Was he going to humiliate her now? She stared at the ground.

"If it is up to her, she is going to spend the night with him. You want that?"

June kept silent, wishing he would go away.

Suddenly his fingers stroked her chin, grabbing her face and forcing her to look him in the eye. "You want that, June?"

"Get your hands off me." She pulled her head away from him.

"Then answer. Ignoring people is rude."

Tears of frustration jumped into her eyes. "What do you want me to say?!"

"That you won't turn him down again if I keep Anna busy."

"But..."

He winked, turned around and walked away. With a pounding heart June watched him go, not knowing what to do. Should she go back to Rodey? Or would he really send Juan to her? Taking a deep breath, she walked away from the bar until she found a spot where she had a better sight of the dance floor. It only took a few seconds before she had found the couple. The girl still had her arms around his neck and she felt an immense sense of relief when Mateo walked up to them. June watched as he leaned down and whispered something to Juan.

Mateo looked to the side, his eyes found her immediately.

June was rooted to the spot when Juan followed his brother's gaze and his lips turned into a smile, causing her glass to almost slip out of her hand. He said something to the girl and his brother and then began making his way towards her.

Her hands were clammy. It felt like ages ago that they had spoken to each other and all she could think of, was how she would mess it up this time.

"Hey," he said as he stood in front of her. His hands had slid into his pockets, giving off a nonchalant attitude, but she saw his rosy cheeks.

"H-hi," she stammered.

Again her brain seemed to be switching off.

"You eh, you're wearing a beautiful dress, June. And your hair is beautiful too." His cheeks turned from pink to red. "Actually I think everything about you is beautiful. Not only now, I mean, but like everyday." He took a sharp breath, skittishly looking at her.

Her mouth felt dry. She could only stare at him. He thought she was beautiful. And he meant it – she could hear that.

He cleared his throat. "Ehh, you um, you want something to drink?"

Hesitating, June lifted the glass in her hand. "I eh, I already got a drink."

He messed with the top button of his vest. "Right. Sorry." He ran a hand across his head. "Sorry. I'm all nervous again. I – I don't wanna mess things up this time."

June bit her lip. She was always the one ruining it, the one who was acting weird. Like now. She couldn't even say one normal sentence to him. Even talking to Mateo had been easier.

"Me – me neither," she murmured in the end. She took a deep breath. There were so many things she wanted to say to him; that she thought about him every moment of the day. That she had missed him. That she regretted panicking the last time they had been together. That she had wished she had gone to prom with him – but none of these things could find the route to her mouth.

"Is um, is your date nice?" His voice sounded tensed, as if he feared the answer.

She bowed her head. _Tell him. Just tell him._ "I – I'd rather... I would rather have gone with you."

Her eyes shot back to him. The smile that was now on his face, was so wide it made her knees feel weak.

"Maybe we can, eh..." His eyes wandered across her dress, settling on the hem that touched the ground. "Well uh, maybe we can go together next year. If you still like me. I mean – I'm not sure if you like me now but..."

Pressing his lips together, he rubbed his neck awkwardly.

Suddenly his date showed up next to him, slipping her arms around his waist. "You wanna dance again, Juan? I don't like your brother as much as I like you and I know nobody else besides you two."

"I..." A little lost he looked at June.

"It's okay if you go," she said quietly. "It was my own call. You asked her." She smiled a bit sadly. "And you didn't want to treat your dates like your brother did, right?"

For a moment he held her glance. "No..." He answered with a frown before he turned to Anna. "I'm gonna get us some a drinks, okay?"

"Sure." She kissed his cheek, stroking his back before he walked away.

Sighing, June stared into her almost empty glass.

"He's such a cutie, don't you think?" Anna said. An insincere smile was drawn on her lips. "You just missed your chance, sweetheart." She leaned over to June and whispered, "and after prom, I'm going to offer him something that no boy would ever decline." Evocatively, she traced her thumbs down from her breasts to her thighs. "I think he'll know what to do with all this, right?"

With a wink, she blew a kiss towards June before she disappeared into the crowd.

Numb, June stared forward, not fully understanding everything that had been said to her since she had left Rodey on the dance floor.


	19. Matchmaking Skills

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

Anna's words kept racing through her head. Juan might have feelings for her, June, but would he also be willing to turn down his beautiful date, especially when she offered herself to him in the way she had promised? With her pale skin, full lips and blonde, almost white hair she looked like an angel. Who _wouldn't_ want to sleep with her? Emilio had already shown her what they thought about girls. Even before they had ever talked, Juan had already told his friend how he wanted to have sex with her, so there was no doubt in her mind that this girl would also be able to capture his imagination. Especially when June could barely say a word to him; it wouldn't take him long before he realized Anna was much more fun than her.

Taking a deep breath, she looked around. What should she do? If she was being honest, she just wanted to go home and hide herself under the covers, forgetting she had ever seen Anna and Juan together. However, she had come here with Rodey and the distance was too far to walk. Should she take the bus? Maybe Beth could pick her up if she called her? She wished she had listened to her friend and had never come to this place.

A little aimlessly she moved through the crowd, looking for her friends. Luckily Jordy's blue hair stood out; she was talking with some people a little ways away from the dance floor. Her date was nowhere to be seen.

Quickly, she walked towards her friend.

"Hey! I saw you with Juan, right?" A way to wide grin adorned her face.

June sighed. "We talked for a few minutes before his date claimed him again. I couldn't even say a normal sentence to him." Her shoulders dropped. "I don't think she will leave him alone tonight, she's almost glued to him."

Smiling, Jordy tucked a strand of hair behind June's ear. "The only reason that girl is clinging to him so desperately, is because she noticed he can't stop looking at you." She winked. "So you talked a bit? Did he ask you to dance?"

"No," June muttered. "He probably saw that I was as stiff as a wooden doll when I was dancing with your cousin."

A grin spread on Jordy's face. "He didn't dare to ask you? Dude, that's so cute! Well, it isn't that hard to see why; he is probably terrified that he's gonna step on your dress and rip your clothes again – this time with all his classmates around him." Chuckling, she raked a hand through her hair. "And to be honest, I can totally see that happening. I feel kinda stupid for not thinking about it myself; I should have gotten you a dress that only reached your ankles." Her glance went around the room. Suddenly the grin on her face faded away and her eyes widened. Quickly she turned away her head, a hurt expression crossing her face.

"What is it?" June asked.

"Nothing," Jordy said softly.

Her tone however told June otherwise and so she looked too, wondering what on earth could shock her friend. Had she seen her date launching himself at another girl? She didn't see the dreadlocks her friend had described earlier tonight. What she did see though, were two people intensely kissing and pressed up against the wall, the boy's hands eagerly exploring the girl's body.

It took a few seconds before June realized at who she was looking at. In disbelief, she turned her face back to Jordy. "You – you like him?" she asked in shock.

"Well, he isn't very likable," Jordy sighed. "I don't know what it is about him, I just wish that it was me being pushed against the wall by him."

June wrinkled her nose. "Sounds romantic..."

Jordy smirked, but her smile didn't reach her eyes.

"When you asked him to go to prom... That wasn't only to keep him away from Juan, was it?" A little worried she studied her friend's face.

Jordy shrugged her shoulders, smiling sadly. "I guess not. This is just a typical Jordy move: developing feelings for the most untouchable person in school. Well, after Juan of course," she added with a wink. "And maybe I just liked the thought of us having a chance to double date." A smile appeared on her face again, even though it still didn't look truly genuine. "By the way, what did you do with my cousin?"

June felt her cheeks getting hot. Rodey was probably still waiting for her, even though she believed that he could be enjoying himself without her.

"I offered to get us drinks and when I went to the bar, Mateo was standing beside me all of a sudden and before I knew it, he had convinced Juan to come talk to me."

"He did?!" Delighted, she clapped her hands. "Sounds I'm not the only one who is shipping the two of you!"

June sighed softly. Mateo and Jordy could ship them as enthusiastically as they wanted; in the end it would be up to her to learn how to have a normal conversation with Juan. If she couldn't do that then it was hopeless. Her glance fluttered through the room again. Behind a group of dancing girls, she spotted him. Anna was still hanging around his neck, while most other couples were no long as clingy as them. She moved her body in a seductive way, while looking up to him with a glance that surely had to do something to him.

"I think she'll kiss him soon," she sighed.

And right at that moment, as if she had waited until June was looking at them, Anna stood on her toes and kissed him.

June tore her glance away and turned around. She didn't want to see it. She was already about to walk away when Jordy's fingers glided around her wrist.

"Sweetie, please have a little more faith in him. He turned his head away. He's really crazy about you, Junie." Jordy laid a hand against her cheek and looked her straight in the eye. "Why is it so hard for you to believe that he likes you just as much as you like him?"

June bent her head. He was so nice and sweet and unbelievable handsome. That he looked at her at all, was already something she could barely believe. It felt like all their encounters had been nothing but daydreams, ones that have turned into nightmares. "I'm just... boring," she muttered.

Jordy flung her arms around June's neck as if they were slow dancing. "You're not. June, you know me. If you had been boring, I never could have been friends with you – and you know you're my best friend. You're special, June. You are the only one who wants to do karaoke with me, despite the risk of hearing damage, you're the one who's drawing comics to cheer me up and who never sounds annoyed as I call you in the middle of the night after I've had a nightmare. That day I saw you eating in the auditorium all alone, I just felt you were different than the bitches we go to school with, that you would be the best friend anyone could wish for! And I'm pretty sure Juan is feeling that too."

June stared at her friend, not knowing how to respond to her words. A little awkwardly she picked her hair.

Jordy continued impassively. "I know you better than anyone. Go to him, June. Get over your trepidation. You feel bad because someone is dangling around his neck, but all he wishes is that you were the one he's holding."

June bit her lip. "I simply can't," she muttered. "I think my nervousness will make me throw up before I'm even close to him."

"But what is it you are so afraid of?"

Shrugging her shoulders, she stared at the ground. "You know... that I will ruin it again. I just never know what to say to him. It feels like my brain just stops working when he is around. And all those other people around... that isn't helping either."

Jordy's lips curled into a grin. "Then find a quieter place." She wiggled her eyebrows. "Somewhere romantic where you can get your first kiss."

Warm spots crept up her neck. "Don't say things like that..."

"Okay, okay! I got it! You obviously need help. I had already counted on that, but I still hoped you would take charge yourself. But no worries, I got this. Just go outside to get some fresh air for a couple of minutes, I'll make sure Juan comes after you."

"How?" she asked quietly.

"I'll just tell him you are waiting for him." She smirked. "It's about time he's switching up dance partners. I'll make sure Juan knows what to do, as soon as you're outside."

"What do you mean, what to do?" June felt the panic flaming up again. "What are you up to this time?"

Jordy laughed and winked at her. "You'll find out soon enough. Well, I'm going to free JC from that dead weight. Muster up your courage to go outside in a few minutes."

"And your own date?" June tried, while the nerves were circling around her and closing her in.

"He'd smoked a joint that didn't sit well; threw up on himself before we were even inside." She shrugged. "Guess it was meant to happen so I could show off my match making skills." She gave her friend another wink before she disappeared into the crowd.

June sighed softly, her knees were already getting weak. Gathering her courage, she started heading to the door. Halfway she however came across Rodey, who took her hand. "There you are! Had you lost sight of me in the crowd?"

"Uhm, yes," she muttered. "Sorry, uhm, someone else took your drink."

He gave her a forgiving smile. "I'm glad I found you back again. Ready for another dance?"

June swallowed. _Not really._ She however nodded, lacking the courage to turn him down to spend time with Juan. Just a few minutes, she promised herself. He deserved that after she had kept him waiting for so long.


	20. An Unexpected Twist

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

Juan had pictured the evening going differently. At least he hadn't expected that his date would be so persistent that she barely let him breathe. Twice now, she had tried to kiss him; both times the message that he didn't want her, didn't seem to land. Actually, if he was being honest he just wanted to push her to the side, but he kept thinking about June's words. He had meant what he had said; that he wasn't like his brother, but now it was making him feel compelled to stay with Anna. But his thoughts weren't with the girl at all. Again and again his eyes were looking for June, searching for her in the crowd. She looked so beautiful tonight, the dress made her look so good. He kept imagining she was the one he was holding, but that daydream burst quickly every time.

Anna and June were nothing alike.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. Being disrupted from his thoughts, he looked aside. He felt overwhelmed as he looked at Jordy, who had also put a hand on Anna's shoulder.

"Hey missy, can I borrow this handsome guy from you for a while?"

"No," Anna snapped. "Go find your own date."

Juan suppressed a sigh, wondering why the hell his brother had brought him this date. She was good looking, but that was the only positive thing he could think of.

"Anna..." he said, hesitating. "We don't have to dance together the whole night, right? You could go talk and dance with other people; you're outgoing enough to do that, right?"

She squeezed her eyes in frustration as her brows crinkled. "You really want me to go? Because of this parrot over here?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "We can meet up again later?"

The idea of dancing with Jordy made him a little nervous – he never knew what to think of that girl. But she was June's best friend, so there was a chance that her attention had something to do with her. His eyes fluttered through the room to see where she was. It felt like a stone was descending in his stomach when he saw that she was dancing with Rodey again. He didn't trust the guy at all. For the first half hour he had seen them dancing, the footballer had sent him some provoking looks, all with a smug smile plastered across his lips. As if he knew June had turned him down.

The whole evening Juan had been afraid that the boy would take advantage of June's insecurities. Aside from the fact that he just couldn't take his eyes off her due to how beautiful she looked tonight, Rodey was his biggest concern. He wanted to make sure the guy wasn't crossing any boundaries, especially if June wasn't confident enough to show him when he stepped over a line, like the time Emilio had wrapped his arm around her.

Suddenly Anna let go of him, jarring him from his thoughts. She glared at Jordy, who just smirked and swung her arms around his neck. A sweet scent surrounded him, too sweet for his taste. She was wearing a green dress in a leopard print; it weirdly matched with her hair, since she had shaved part of her hair off and painted leopard spots in its place.

"When are you going to ask my friend to dance?" she asked.

A bit ashamed, Juan dropped his eyes. Despite his intention to ask June, he still lacked the courage. He was too afraid to mess things up again; that he would step on her dress or would cause her to stumble. He wanted to spare her the humiliation of being with him.

"You don't dare, do you?"

He shrugged his shoulders helplessly.

Jordy laughed. "Oh, you're such a cute couple! Both so hopelessly in love!"

Shocked at her words Juan looked at her. Was June really in love with him? Sure – he had noticed she liked him, but he never thought she would like him as much as her friend was suggesting.

"Listen. June has an enormous crush on you, she has for what feels like forever, and like you might have noticed; she isn't the best in taking initiative, so that's where you come in. You should do that. Now, I don't plan to force the two of you to do much of anything; so you can continue to breathe."

Juan felt his cheeks getting hot. Since the moment that Jordy had said June was having this enormous crush on him, he had forgotten how to breathe.

Jordy's arm glided away from his neck and she reached to zip open her purse. A second later she took out an MP3 player. "June's favorite song is the only song on it. Just find a romantic spot where you can both be as clumsy and awkward as you want because there is no one else around. Plug in an earpiece and go gliding with her like you both have wanted to do ever since you entered this party. She's gonna be nervous which means she will probably barely move and stare at the ground half of the time, but don't be discouraged because of that. Just be sweet and patient – like you always are around her. Give her a bit of confidence and if you want to kiss her, be careful so you don't scare her, she's never kissed anyone before. But believe me: she really wants to be kissed by you." Chuckling, Jordy squeezed his cheek. "So, how about it? This is a great plan, huh? I already told June she should go outside and that I will send you after her. That song of hers takes almost ten minutes, so if you repeat it a few times, you two will be good for half an hour." She winked. "I'm sure she'll feel comfortable around you after that."

Juan was so overwhelmed by her stream of words that he was sure he would forget about half of it, but he understood at least the purpose of the MP3 player and shoved it inside his pocket.

"I don't know what to say," he muttered.

"Just _thank you._ I bet I'll be hearing tomorrow about how good you can kiss." She showed him a wide grin. "If my super good idea indeed leads to a magical moment, I'll come back to you for a favor in return."

Juan rubbed his neck. Since she had mentioned the word _kiss_ his thoughts had paused and it took a while before the sentences after that seeped into his head. "What favor?"

She lifted the corner of her mouth. "I want you to get me a date."

"With who?"

"Emilio."

Juan's eyes went wide. Emilio? Well, in that case he would probably have to blindfold his friend. He however kept that thought to himself and shrugged. Emilio wanted to be a good wing man, so he would use that excuse. "Deal."

She laughed, showing him her straight, white teeth. "Deal!" She looked around. "Is June still here?"

Juan looked at the spot where he had seen her for the last time, but she was no longer there. "I guess not. A few minutes ago she was still dancing with her date."

"Of course that cousin of mine is messin' up my plans. Come, let's find 'em." Hooking her arm around his, she dragged him outside.

Usually, he would have wondered what people thought about him, walking around with Jordy, but at this moment there was only a knot in his stomach urging him to find June.

Would Jordy's plan work? Or would he manage to fuck up something as simple as this?

Outside, his eyes wandered through the dark looking for any sign of her. There were plenty of people smoking or making out, but June was nowhere to be seen. Was she still inside? He had a bad feeling creeping up his spine, especially when he remembered Rodey's smirk from earlier.

"Hmm, this is strange," Jordy admitted. "It's not like June to wait somewhere in the dark, unless she panicked and went back in. I'll call her. Can you keep searching for her that way?" She motioned forward.

Juan nodded, walking alongside the building. After a few seconds he heard a phone going off. There was no one hanging around on this side of the building and a heavy feeling descended to his stomach. He started to run. Before he rounded the corner, he heard someone sob.

 _Oh god._

A vibration went through his chest.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Let go of her!"

Rodey had pushed June against the wall, one hand clamped around her mouth. The other was underneath her dress, groping her breast while his lips slithered down her neck. June was squirming, but she was no match for the tall footballer.

Startled, Rodey turned his head to the side. Juan clenched his fist immediately, slamming it into Rodey's face. Pain shot through his knuckles while the boy stumbled backwards. Juan wanted to throw himself on the guy to hit him wherever he could, but June's sobs soaked up his attention.

Before he could say or do something, Jordy showed up next to him. "What the fuck, Ro?!" she snapped.

"What?" the boy scoffed, rubbing his thickening cheek. "This was your plan, right? Helping poor little Juan Carlos because he doesn't have the balls to hit on a girl himself? I had to make him jealous, remember?"

Juan froze, his face turning red of shame. What the hell was he talking about?

"I didn't tell you to assault her! Are you out of your mind?!" Jordy grabbed his chin, looking him in the eyes. "Did you take something?"

Rodey shrugged his shoulders. "How else was I supposed to have a good night? So what, I popped a couple pills; it made the evening better, you stuck me with such boring company."

Jordy slapped his cheek. Then she turned to Juan and signaled with her eyes to the side. Juan hesitated. He thought it would be better if Jordy would comfort her, since June had just been assaulted by a man. But he trusted her friend to know her best and turned towards June. She had her arms crossed in front of her chest and was staring at the ground with tears rolling down her cheeks.

"June..." he whispered. Seeing her tears, made his voice shaky. Despite Jordy's encouragement, he didn't feel comfortable touching her. "June, you're safe now," he said. He stepped a little closer so he stood in front of her, but not so close that he would suffocate her. "Do you – do you want me to hold you?"

Although she was staring at the ground, he thought to see her nod. Still the nerves were swirling through his body, afraid he had misinterpreted her. He stepped closer, carefully laying his hands on her shoulders and pulling her into his arms. Her arms glided around him as she held him close. Hesitating, Juan caressed her hair, not knowing what else he could do. He couldn't even remember the last time he had comforted someone. As she buried her face against his shoulder, he pressed a kiss in her hair.

In the background he could hear the two cousins yelling at each other, but in the end Rodey walked away from them. Juan gritted his teeth as he caught a glimpse of the boy. He wasn't done with him yet. But right now he just wanted to be there for June.

"Sorry June," Jordy said quietly. She walked towards them. "He owed me a favor and I asked him to flirt a little with you, hoping Juan would make a move, but he went way too far and I am really, really sorry."

June didn't answer. He felt how her fingers were squeezing his vest and he assumed she was fighting new tears.

With a desperate glance in her eyes, Jordy raked a hand through her hair. "I... I don't know what else I can say, June. I am really sorry. I'm always interfering with everything... but I would never try to hurt you June, I thought I was helping you, and I thought he would just play with your hair or something. I never expected that he..." She breathed in sharply. "He's my cousin. I never thought he would do something like this."

Juan believed she was rather naive; Rodey had quite a reputation when it was about girls, but he kept silent about it. Instead, he gently stroked June's back.

"Can you head back to the party and send my brother outside?" Juan asked. "I'm going to bring her home." He didn't want to leave June alone, nor did he want to pull her through the crowd.

He felt how June tensed. She looked up to him, tears shining in her eyes. "He... He won't be coming with us, right?"

Juan shook his head. Very carefully he wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. "No, I'm just borrowing his car. You're okay with that? Or do you want to stay?"

"No," she muttered. "But your date..."

"She can go enjoy herself with Rodey or some other guy," he said with a grim face. "I bet he _wouldn't_ mind kissing her." His worried eyes found hers. "Don't worry about her, okay? She'll be fine and I will take you home. Okay?"

With a pale face, she nodded. Juan turned back to Jordy, who understood the hint and left them.

Now they were alone, Juan felt awkward again. "I – I don't know what you... what would make you feel comfortable now, after, you know... But if you want... if you want you can hold my hand, or I can put my arm around you, or... or we could just stay like this, but I think it's better if we leave this place." Skittishly, he looked at the wall against which Rodey had pushed her.

Rubbing her eyes, she nodded. Juan let go of her and side by side they made their way out from the back of the building. As soon as they turned around the corner, he felt a caress across his fingers. Her hand slipped in his and their fingers laced.

Immediately, Juan felt much lighter. He turned his face to the side and saw how she blushed while nervously looking at him.

He squeezed her fingers in response, then he lifted her hand a pressed a soft kiss along her knuckles.


	21. Wordless Happiness

His thumb was stroking hers as they waited next to the entrance for Mateo to show up. He had caught some people sending them surprised looks; he knew they weren't the most logical couple and right now June looked more lost than anything else. Juan however didn't care about their stares, he was just glad that nobody felt the need to make stupid comments.

When he saw his brother leave the building, there was a clearly irritated frown on his forehead, but as soon as his eyes found June and him, his lips turned into a mischievous grin. Very slowly, Juan shook his head, slowly pulling his hand away from June and walking away from the smokers, so he could talk with his brother alone. Nobody else needed to know what had happened.

"What's going on?" Mateo asked. "You forget to bring condoms?"

Juan cringed as he heard his brother's booming voice. He looked over his shoulder, knowing June must have heard that too. His cheeks turned a flaming red as he saw her eyes widen.

"Don't be such a dick," he hissed.

His brother rolled his eyes. "Just relax..."

"I need the car to bring her home."

"Already?" He lifted the corner of his mouth. "You can't keep it in your pants any longer?"

Juan punched his brother's chest, all though he was relieved he had kept his voice low this time. "She's been assaulted."

Mateo's attitude changed immediately. His eyes shot towards June and for a brief moment Juan saw a soft look in them; a second later a dark glow crept in. "That slick date of hers?"

"Yeah," he grumbled.

A muscle in his cheek tensed as he gritted his teeth. Silently, Mateo took the keys out of his pocket and gave them to Juan. "You made him pay?"

"Just one blow. Wanted to be there for June."

Mateo looked at the girl once more before he aimed his eyes on his brother again. "Take her home. I'll call you when that dick is leaving, then we'll make sure he pays properly."

Juan nodded. Mateo squeezed his shoulder, as Juan turned around and walked back towards June. He wanted to take her hand in his again, but she had wrapped her arms around herself again and avoided his glance as he approached. Was it because of what his brother had said? He swallowed a sigh, wishing that she wouldn't let everyone get under her skin so easily.

"You're coming?" he asked quietly as he stood next to her, briefly touching her arm to attract her attention. A nervous feeling had nestled itself in his stomach; afraid that she had changed her mind and wanted someone else to take her home.

To his relief, she nodded and walked with him to the parking lot. There was a tense silence between them. From the corner of his eye he looked at her. Her gaze was aimed at the ground and her shoulders were slumped. He wanted her to feel comfortable around him again, but he didn't know what to say; in the end he didn't say a single word to her as he opened the car door for her and then settling himself down behind the steering wheel.

"Forget about my brother's words," he said eventually. "I'm not... not that type of guy. Actually uh, I have never, umm you know... done it." He felt his cheeks flame up; it wasn't something he wanted tell to everyone but he hoped it would make her feel more comfortable. "I've never gone further than kissing a girl. And eh, I didn't that often. Only two times."

Juan clenched his jaw as June still kept silent. She was fidgeting with the pendant around her neck and her cheeks had the same color as her dress. He took a deep breath, knowing he should focus on driving now. He had only been behind the wheel a few times and never without Mateo; he didn't even have an actual driver's license yet.

He turned the key, and with a jolt the car rolled backward. Doubt was gnawing at him. What if he caused an accident? What if she got hurt? However, he didn't dare to admit that he didn't have his license and she probably did not want to be taken home by Emilio or Mateo.

 _You got this._ He laid an arm around June's seat, looking over his shoulder as he put the car into reverse and rolled backwards. There after, he shifted into the first gear and laid both hands on the wheel. His fingers were shaking.

Hoping to temper his nervousness, he turned on the music. Only the minute it started he had realized that when his brother had listened to it on the way it was at too loud of volume, causing June to jump up. A jolt went through his chest as well. Quickly he turned down the volume, mumbling an apology.

"I don't have the easiest brother," he muttered, leaving the parking lot. "You uh, you got brothers or sisters?"

Maybe it was a very transparent stepping-stone to a conversation, but he just wanted her to say something.

Finally she lifted her head, looking skittishly at him. On her cheeks he could still see traces of red, which were probably caused by his confession that he was still a virgin.

"I have two little sisters," she answered. "Twins. They are thirteen years old."

He smiled, glad to hear her voice again. "Are they just as annoying as my brother?"

Her lips curled up a little. "Well, at least they wouldn't be offering me condoms." There was a slight vibration in her tone, as if she had wanted to give a casual answer but couldn't let go of the tension. She rubbed her neck, leaving behind a red stripe.

He chuckled softly, glad she tried to make a joke of the whole situation.

"I have a sister too," he told her. "Luna. She's in university."

June turned her face fully towards him now. Although he kept looking forward to the road, he noticed that she was studying his face, making him smile.

"I uh, I don't know where you live," he said. "I know it isn't that far from my home, but the exact spot..."

June looked forward again. "Take the second turn on the left."

* * *

After ten minutes he parked the car on the street near where she was living. Awkwardly they looked at each other. He thought of the MP3 player Jordy had given him. The atmosphere was still tense, but better than it had been.

"Uh, you already wanna go inside? Or we eh, we could also take a walk?"

He saw the hesitation in her eyes. Immediately his heart beat faster in his chest.

"Doesn't your brother need the car?"

"The party will go on for a while. He'll call me if he needs it."

"Don't you want to go back?"

He looked at her, holding her glance. "The only thing I hoped for tonight, was being able to spend some time with you. Here or at the party, I don't care. Well – in all honesty, I actually like it better when nobody else is around."

The blush returned to her cheeks. Just like every time he saw that happen, his stomach twisted. He opened the car door and waited until June had left the vehicle as well. Swallowing nervously, he held out his hand to her. His heart did a flip as she took it and her fingers laced with his.

"Maybe we can go to the park?" he suggested. "If you know the way..."

June nodded, leading him to the left. Juan thought about the feel of the palm of her hand pressing against his, about her fingers held tightly between his. He could barely believe this was really happening.

It turned out to be about a ten minute walk to the park. Most of the time was spend in silence, but it wasn't an awkward one. They just listened to the city sounds, their fingers playing with each other in their grasp and now and then their shoulders would lightly touch. Sometimes they found conversation talking about school, about the homework they had due after the weekend, and discovering which courses and teachers they liked or not.

Unintentionally Juan led her to the bench next to the pond, where they sat down. "You know... all of this started for me right here, on this bench," he entrusted her with warm cheeks. He laid his left arm around her, with his other hand he took hers leaning towards her. With his thumb he stroked her slim fingers; the tips were a bit calloused thanks to her violin, making her seem just a little less fragile.

June turned her face towards him, a questioning look in her eyes.

"You were sitting here, more than a year ago. You were drawing, completely immersed in what was in front of you. I think... I think I must have been staring at you for at least fifteen minutes." He bit his lip, still feeling a bit embarrassed.

"You did?" she asked softly. "I never noticed."

"When eh... when did you start to like me?" he asked after a moment of gathering his courage. Even though Jordy had told him she was in love with him, he was still having a hard time believing it.

"Somewhere around the start of this school year. You smiled at me and then – all of a sudden there was this strange feeling that has never left."

He smiled, and mesmerized she stared at his lips.

"Yes... that smile." Her voice sounded a little husky, expressing a longing he knew all too well.

He cleared his throat. "June..."

She looked at him, her eyes wide with expectation. What did she think he was going to ask?

His hand slid into his pocket and he pulled out the MP3 player. "You eh – would you like to dance with me?"

A shy smile spread across her face, making him glow. She looked away for a moment, then she nodded.

Juan stood up, taking a step away from the bench so they were standing on the grass between the bench and the pond. The fountain already provided them its own song, but Juan still put the ear bud in his ear and gave June the other one.

"Jordy gave it to me," he admitted. Her plan with Rodey had failed, but they could thank this dance to her. He pressed the play button. Already with the first sound a shiver rolled down his back. Somehow he had expected some sappy boyband song, but he couldn't have been more wrong.

"Is this really your favorite song?" he asked a little surprised.

She nodded, smiling slightly.

His arms glided around her waist and she flung hers around his neck. "You're really a nice girl, June." He pulled her closer in his arms. Tinglings spread from his stomach to his arms and his breathing picked up speed almost immediately.

The raw voice of Axl Rose started to sing and it felt as if he had written this song for them alone. _"When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained. But darlin' when I hold you, don't you know I feel the same."_

As if the singer was giving a command, June looked up to him.

Man, she was so beautiful. Her eyes were shining in the moonlight, her skin was so smooth he wanted to touch every inch of it with his lips. His mouth felt dry.

He cradled her in his arms, carried away by Guns 'n Roses' _November Rain._ Carefully he dipped his head until his forehead was resting against hers and he closed his eyes, breathing her in, feeling her body pressed against his, the weight of her arms on his shoulders. Suddenly realizing that they had made it this far; a smile began to grow, he felt really, really happy. Slowly he turned her around as the warm night air swirled around them.

After a while her arms slipped away from his neck, moving to his waist. For minutes she leaned with her cheek against his chest; he could feel her warmth right through his shirt. His hand glided up across her back, caressing her neck and along her hairline, not hindered by her long hair that was currently all pulled back.

When she looked up again, he felt so nervous his stomach cramped. Her fingers glided to his jaw and he closed his eyes, leaning into her palm. Her touch was the best thing he had ever felt.

"I – I am falling deeply in love with you, Juan," she whispered as their eyes locked again.

The look in her eyes was intense, almost making him gasp for breath. The words buzzed through his head. His hand was shaking as he brought it to her face, stroking his thumb along her bottom lip.

"I am falling very much in love with you too, June," he whispered back. His glance wandered from her eyes to her lips. His were already tingling, he however didn't know if she wanted to be kissed after everything that had happened with Rodey.

Very carefully he moved his face closer to hers, until he could feel her breathe stroking across his lips. He shivered. She was nervous, he could feel it. But he was too. Very lightly his lips touched hers. Before he put more pressure on, he looked into her eyes.

"May I – may I kiss you?"

"I – I am really nervous." Her voice was shaking.

"Me too," he admitted.

But he doubted there would ever be a more romantic moment for a first kiss than this; underneath the starry sky, listening to her favorite song.

This time she was the one breaking eye contact. Her finger tips danced across his cheek, then he felt the hesitant, soft pressure of her lips against his. He closed his eyes, leaning a bit more into her. Soft kisses fluttered against his lips. His fingers climbed up into her artsy hair, curled around a few loose strands. His lips parted, and he felt she was doing the same.

And then their teeth bumped once. And then again.

Immediately she pulled back her face, panic reflecting in her eyes.

"Hey," he said, chuckling softly and caressing her cheek. "There's no need to be scared."

She bent her head. "I just don't know – how to do it," she murmured. Underneath his thumb he felt her skin grow warm.

"That's no big deal, right?" he answered softly. "I don't mind. You don't have to feel ashamed around me, June."

He placed his other hand against her cheek, slowly moving his thumbs up and down in a light caress. "We can try it again. Or another time, if you'd like, whatever feels right for you."

"I – my knees just feel weak," she said with a small voice. "As if they will collapse any moment."

A touched smile played on his lips. Oh, she was so sweet. "Then let's sit down."

He took her hand and walked back to the bench, still both connected to the music. Sitting down on the wood, he carefully pulled her across his lap, sideways so her dress wasn't in the way. His fingers traced across her cheek, down to her neck, gliding down underneath her jacket to her shoulder. Her skin felt so soft, so smooth.

Her eyes caught his gaze. In the light of the street lantern they were a darker grey than they usually were. They were wide, her nervousness made her eyelashes tremble. His hand glided back to her neck as he kissed her again, very lightly. He tasted her lips, making no progress to enter her mouth yet. First they just pressed kisses to each other's lips, until her confidence grew and her fingers climbed up his neck. Every touch made the blood pump through his veins faster and faster. Just knowing that he was the first one to kiss her, made the heat flow through his body.

Gently he sucked her lower lip, her upper lip touched his very lightly. His hand cupped her jaw as he tilted his head a little and opened his mouth. She responded the same way. The tip of his tongue traced her lips, venturing a little further, until he felt hers. A soft sigh that seemed to embrace all of his feelings, escaped him when their tongues slowly began to explore each other. He stroked the top, the side, the tip, before it slowly twined around hers. Heat bubbled up as her tongue caressed his lip. The kiss was so intense – and so different from those couple times Mateo's friends had drunkenly pressed their lips against his. He was aware of every movement, every touch, every satisfied sigh that escaped her. His right hand gliding down to her hip; feeling the soft fabric of her dress and the heat of her body through it.

She moved closer to him, her breasts pressing against his chest. Her hands tracing their way across his head as she deepened the kiss.

For a long time they lost themselves in each other. The kiss became intenser, less reserved as Juan heard the song play for the third time.

In the end he was the one to end their kiss, folding his arms around her and pulling her close. "You are a natural," he said with a smirk, kissing the hairline just above her right temple. She squeezed her eyes a bit as she smiled.

She was so beautiful, so unbelievably beautiful. He wanted her to be his girl, but he didn't dare ask yet.

"And?" he asked softly. "Did this meet the expectations of your first kiss?"

She nestled her cheek against his chest, snuggling into his embrace, he was sure she could hear his hammering heart. She didn't answer. At least not with words; her smile told him enough. She felt just as happy as he did.


	22. What She's Worth

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

Juan had wrapped his arms around her, his hands resting softly on her stomach. She had spread her fingers across the tops of his hands, leaning into him as she rested her head against his shoulder, now and then looking up at him. Every time she did, the smile on his face grew bigger and he held her just a little tighter. Still there was a searching look in her eyes, as if she was afraid this was just a dream.

There was a silence between them, but it wasn't an uncomfortable one.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, kissing her cheekbone very lightly.

She turned a bit more towards him, laying an arm around his shoulder as she adjusted herself in his lap; his hand moving with her, falling to her hip as he held her steady.

"I was wondering how this evening might have gone if I had said yes to you that first time."

"I can't think of anything better than this, and that wouldn't have happened if you hadn't turned me down. I mean, yeah sure it led to some awkward moments but I think it helped us, in the end."

Her cheeks turned red and she bowed her head. Juan bit the inside of his cheek; he knew exactly what memory was plaguing her now. With his thumb he caressed her heated cheek. "You don't need to feel ashamed, June. I was the one who tripped and dragged you down with me... And uh, it was just a flash, you know. I'm sure nobody saw it."

"You did," she mumbled.

"Yeah, I did," he said softly. Cupping her jaw with his hand, he lifted her head so she looked him in the eye. "What I saw was beautiful, June, just like everything about you is beautiful. Your eyes, your smile, your jawline, the curve of your nose..." He continued, with his finger tracing the same path as his words. When her cheeks reached a darker tint of red and he grinned slightly. "And also your flushed cheeks."

Her teeth pressed down onto her bottom lip and he let his finger glide across it.

"And your lips, how could I forget those." He kissed them, but pulled back soon after, since this wasn't the right time to get carried away.

His fingers descended, travelling across her neck, caressing her collar bone. He heard how her breathing increased as he stroked her skin; he kept an eye on her reactions, making sure that he didn't wander too close to the hem of her dress. He didn't want to scare her.

There was no doubt in his mind that both Mateo and Emilio would have gone further if they were in his position, but this was enough for him; just holding her close, knowing he wasn't crossing any of her borders and that she felt comfortable sitting like this with him.

"How are you feeling?" he asked in a soft tone. "Don't get me wrong, I love having the opportunity to sit here with you, to kiss, cuddle, and dance... and I know you enjoy it too... but tonight hasn't been easy for you, with what Rodey did. And I know you got friends you can talk to about it, but you can talk to me about too, if you want to, I mean. I... I wanna be there for you as well."

June bent her head, staring down at his hand that was resting on her thigh. Following her glance, he moved his hand away, not sure if speaking Rodey's name had called up bad memories.

"Oh, well umm, not much really happened," she muttered. "He tried to kiss me and when I didn't kiss him back and tried to push him away, he got frustrated and put his hand across my mouth and started to kiss my neck. And then his other hand..." He heard how she breathed in sharply. She took a moment, whether it was to pull herself together or to figure out how to continue, Juan wasn't sure but she continued on. "Then his hand slid inside my bra. I think – I think my panic made it worse than it was. You showed up really soon. I... I assume I was just not clear enough, that I..."

"June," he interrupted her, his tone severe.

Her eyes flashed to his face. He read the shame in her eyes, she was blaming herself.

"I saw you struggling against him, he had covered your mouth with his hand. He knew damn well he was off limits."

She bent her head again. Was it easier for her to accept that she had been unclear, instead of accepting that somebody had taken advantage of her? That someone really wanted to touch her? For some reason Juan could see it; the ridiculous line of reasoning fit her; trying find the fault and to blame herself.

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "This isn't your fault. It's okay to be mad at him, June. He hurt you, he touched you, he –" as his anger flamed up, making his voice shake, he trailed off. The last thing he wanted, was for her to mistake his loud volume as him yelling at her. She already looked so fragile, and his anger wasn't for her.

She leaned her cheek into the palm of his hand, looking up at him again. "I just want to forget about it. I'm trying to see the positive side; if Rodey hadn't happened, we wouldn't be here now." Her voice sounded soft, warm – almost like velvet. "Can we have another dance? I want – I just want you to be the only memory of the Jubilee Prom."

The look in her eyes, mixed with her words made his whole body tingle. "I wanna dance with you all night long," he said with a wink, even though they both knew Mateo would need his car soon.

He slowly stood up, helping June to her feet and putting the ear bud in his ear again. His arms glided around her waist, pulling her a little closer than the last time they had danced. Her wrists were crossed behind his neck, and he could feel her finger tips very lightly stroking his skin. For a brief moment he imagined how her touch would feel underneath his shirt, but he pushed the thought away quickly.

She looked at him, and for a moment he was afraid that he had spoken out that thought. His cheeks got hot – and even hotter when her lips caressed his as she started to kiss him. A paralyzing feeling crept through his body as their tongues found each other again.

Their dancing slowed and they kissed in a silent embrace, letting their finger tips glide across every piece of uncovered skin, losing themselves in each other as if they were the only two persons left on Earth. Juan couldn't remember the last time he had felt so happy. Everything had gone so well between them tonight, as if they had finally been able to shake off their trepidation. Somewhere deep down he was afraid June would still crawl back into her shell, but he was going to make every effort to prevent that from happening.

It was his phone that put a stop to their embrace. A text from Mateo told him it was time to go back and to his surprise Juan noticed it was now after midnight.

"Is that your brother?"

Juan nodded, sending back a short message. "Yeah... the party's over. I'll take you home." He switched off the MP3 player and wrapped the earbuds around it before he gave it to June. "November Rain is a beautiful song, but after a hundred times I think I've have grown a little tired of it."

June chuckled softly. "I don't think that song will ever bore me. Especially not after tonight."

Again something fluttered up in his stomach, something warm, something that made him smile like an idiot. His hand glided to hers and their fingers laced as they turned their backs to the pond.

"Is that the only song of theirs you love?"

She looked to the side, her eyes were shining. "No, Guns 'n Roses are my favorite band. I'm pretty sure I know every song by heart."

He lifted her hand, pressing a kiss to its back. "I'd like to hear you sing them one day. I gotta admit, I'm surprised that there's a rock chick hidden inside you." Teasingly, he bumped her shoulder.

She laughed – and for a moment his knees felt weak. Now matter how long he had his eye on her; the times he had heard her laugh were very rare and the thought that she felt comfortable around him, especially enough to joke and laugh made him glow on the inside.

"Well, Jordy is the real music addict; so she's been throwing bands at me for years, forcing me to pick favorites. So, yea, Guns 'n Roses, Mötley Crue, Skid Row, Twisted Sister, AC/DC... that's what I like."

His lips bent into a smile as she summed up the bands that could be found in his own playlist as well. His music taste differed from that of his brother and friends, and he could barely believe that of all people it was June with who he did share that passion. "It probably going to sound very cheesy, but I love the exact same music, no lie."

She chuckled. "I know. I have seen the band shirts you wear. KISS, AC/DC, Whitesnake..."

He stood still, catching her cheek with his hand. "Oh June... I really, really like you." Right after those words, he pressed his lips to hers – he couldn't help it. It was a teasing kiss, one full of challenge, of give and take, and it messed with his head, making him long for more. His fingers glided down her neck, through her hair; he wished he could touch her everywhere at the same time. On a whim he kissed her neck, right below her ear, and further down. He didn't know if he felt her tense or if it was her breathing that faltered, but in a flash he thought back to what Rodey had done.

"Shit," he whispered. "Sorry. I didn't – I... shit," he mumbled, in panic searching for her eyes. Had he gone too far now? Had he fucked things up _again_?

There was a heated glow on her cheeks. "It doesn't matter," she said. "Actually – actually I liked it." Once again she gave him that sweet, shy smile that made his heart almost burst.

Relief spread through his chest, even though the tension was still in his body. Today he wanted to do things right, he just wanted to give her a night without disappointments.

This time she was the one taking his hand and squeezing it.

* * *

Juan walked with her to the front door, where they lost themselves in one more comforting embrace. He didn't know what to say, what he was supposed to do now. "Maybe eh, maybe we can hang out some time? Next week?"

Although he knew she'd probably say yes, he felt nervous.

"I would like that," she said quietly, looking up to him from under her long eyelashes. "But I have a pretty full schedule, I'll have to look into my agenda to see when we could meet up."

Juan nodded. "I can send you a text tomorrow?" He took his phone from his pocket and giving her a questioning look. June beamed up at him as she summed up her number, allowing him to save it into his phone. "Well... I guess I should go now," he said a bit clumsy. "Before I ruin my chances of borrowing Mateo's car again." Once more he stretched his hand to her face, gliding with the back of his forefinger across her cheek. "Sleep well, sweet June." He gave her a kiss.

Her fingertips caressed his cheek as well. "Sleep well," she replied. "Drive safe. And – and thank you for... for everything tonight. It really was... well it was just perfect." The red tinge that he started to know so well, spread across her face and he couldn't stop himself from pulling her into his arms one more time. He breathed in her scent, pressed his lips against her forehead and quickly released her; if not he would never leave.

He headed down the garden path, hearing her door getting closed behind him. She was gone. Immediately he missed her warm, quiet presence, but nothing in the world would be able to swipe the smile off his face.

After ten minutes Juan reached the parking lot next to the building where the prom was held. The parking bays were much emptier than they had been earlier with all the missing cars, but since he had never parked in a lot before, he just stopped the car right in front of the door. He wasn't in the mood to get out of the car and try and find his brother in the crowd, so he sent him a text telling him he was outside. Only a few seconds later, Mateo left the building. He had his arm wrapped around a dark haired girl, but as he approached the car he pushed her away without saying a single word.

Juan shoved over to the passenger seat and buckled up. Not long ago June had been sitting here; it felt like her scent was still around.

"So, you took your time," Mateo said with a smirk. "Your face is already tellin' me she spoiled you. Or you spoiled her."

A part of Juan wanted to tell his brother what the night had been like; what it had felt like to dance with her, how their first kiss had been, about the things they'd talked about... But something in Mateo's attitude told him he only wanted to know how far they had gone.

"We kissed," he blurted out.

Mateo started the car, hit the gas and whistled. "Riiight bro. Was she good?"

Juan leaned back into his seat, resting his head against the headrest. "It was amazing."

His brother nudged his side. "You ain't gonna write love poems now right?" He chuckled. "But she didn't wanna go further?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "I'm in no hurry. Things were good, she liked it – and I did too." A little awkwardly he turned his head to the side, expecting another snark.

Mateo however said nothing, and when he peeked to the side a little later, there was a satisfied smirk around his lips.

"It's okay kid," he said as he realized Juan was waiting for a response. "You should do what makes you two happy. She's a beautiful, sweet girl. Just don't make me too jealous."

"Right." Juan started to laugh, shaking his head. "Where we goin' by the way?"

Mateo turned his head to the side again, this time with a dark glare crossing his face. The atmosphere changed immediately, Juan felt goosebumps spread across his arms. They rolled up an abandoned parking lot with only one other car, and got out of the vehicle.

The street lanterns were far away, the most light was coming from the moon. Confusion washed over him as he saw Anna getting out of the other car. With an arrogant look on her face, she turned towards Mateo.

He watched his brother pull her in close, his hand slipping underneath her dress as he whispered things in her ear until Juan heard her gasp for breathe. Then Mateo pecked her lips. "Go sit in the car," he told her.

Juan had turned his head away, disgusted. Just like with the two girls he had kissed before, he resented the fact that they had kissed his brother too. Especially since knowing his brother, it probably didn't stop at kissing. It was one of the reasons that one quick kiss had been enough for him.

Anna sat down in the car and Juan looked somewhat dazed at his brother. Mateo walked around the other car and opened the back door. A second later he heard a bump and a groan. Juan followed his brother, his eyes widened as he saw Rodey lying on the ground. His face was sweaty, his brown hair sticking to his forehead.

"What the hell happened to him?" Juan asked shocked.

"Just slipped him a few pills to keep 'm chill." Mateo's hand glided to his inside pocket and he took something out, handing it to Juan.

His throat felt dry as he realized it was a knife.

"C'mon lil' brother. Make him pay for hittin' on your girl."

Juan stared at the weapon. "W-what?"

"What?" Mateo scoffed. "Thought you were crazy about her, huh? This is what you wanted. He was hittin' on her man, he was hittin' on your girl. Make that fucker bleed. Or is she not worth it now, huh?"

Juan's fingers clamped around the handle. The thing felt heavy as lead. What – did he really have to stab someone? Did he really want to? Someone who was so out of it and couldn't even walk, who was totally defenseless? Beating someone up, fine, but stabbing someone? Taking the risk that he would kill someone?

When he asked his brother for help getting some payback, he thought they might jump him. Maybe rough him up a bit, but to stab him?

Mateo's last words however swirled through his mind. _"Is she not worth it?"_


	23. Torturing Memories

_(Edited)_

PRESENT

Juice loosened the strap of his helmet, slowly taking it off his head. Just like earlier, he was once again standing out front of a house. This time it was a modest duplex with a flower garden that had so many lights in it that it blinded him.

Again he hesitated; should he ring the doorbell or just get back on his bike?

 _You promised June._

However, he had always found it hard to reach out for help, and recently the only ones who he had counted on, had turned their backs on him. It made it so much harder to trust someone else now, even if it was June and by extension Jordy.

Through the window he could see the light was still on. It was close to midnight now, he couldn't wait much longer if he was going to go in. The last handful of hours he had aimlessly driven throughout the area, hoping to clear his mind, but everything that had been said, kept racing through his head. So many memories had shaken themselves loose, so many things he had buried deeply, things he had wanted to forget.

He squeezed his eyes shut. _Walk to the door. Just walk to the door and ring the bell,_ he instructed himself, before his thoughts dragged him back into the fear filled chaos again. Breathing in deeply, he took a step forwards. Followed by another one. His feet felt like they were made of lead; he wanted to turn around and walk away – but where could he go? He had no one; no friends, no family that would be willing to see him. Only June – and only because she was too sweet to turn him away, too sweet to kick him to the curb like he deserved.

He had reached the door. The journey seemed to have taken the last of his strength, so he took a moment; resting his hand against the wood, and soon after that his head. But this only allowed the itching in his skull to increase; the whispering voices reminding him of his betrayal.

"Come on, man up," he muttered to himself, knowing that he had to do something before someone could take him for a lunatic. Before he could change his mind, his finger shot to the doorbell and pressed. Nervously he rubbed his arms, now and then looking longingly over his shoulder to his bike. He wanted to run, like he had fled from everything that had come before. But he was so tired of running...

The light over the front porch switched on, the door was swung open.

It was surreal to see Jordy standing there after all these years – it was even stranger than seeing June. He had thought about June everyday, but Jordy... she really was a memory from another life, a time long forgotten.

"Hey, come in."

She stepped aside to let him in and Juice stepped across the threshold. Her hair was a soft pink now instead of the vibrant blue she carried through high school, tossed up in a messy bun. It made her face softer, her eyes more expressive.

She laid a hand against his chest and kissed his cheek. Her lips were soft, causing a shiver to flow through his body. He had felt lonely for such a long time now, that every touch felt strange.

He followed her into the living room. Twice, he narrowly avoided tripping over a cat; he quickly counted at least four of the animals, rubbing their bodies across his lower legs; almost as if they could feel his distress.

It was a cozy home, filled with so many seats that it seemed like there was a meeting held earlier that night. The walls were covered in brightly colored paintings, he had no idea what they were meant to be depicting.

"My boyfriend made them," she told him when she caught him staring. "He's an artist. He usually paints on the attic room at night, so you probably won't see him until tomorrow." She gave him a wink.

Juice realized he hadn't said a single word yet – not even hello. He however couldn't bring himself to saying anything. Instead, he moved his hand across his head, looking through the room skittishly, not knowing where to focus his attention.

"You want a drink? You can sit there." She pointed to the couch as if he was a little child.

The leather was full of cat scratches and cracked as he sat down. He cleared his throat. "Uh, some water might be good." And preferably with a few pills, he thought, longing for silence in his head, for the dull darkness. A little defeated he waited until Jordy returned. His fingers trembling as he took the glass from her.

"You want me to sit down next to you or a little further away?"

Juice shrugged his shoulders. The only thing he wanted right now, was to be around June again. He already missed the feeling of her arms around him, the pressure of her forehead against his... The thought that she was lying in bed now with another man, made his insides freeze. His fingers tightening around the glass until his knuckles paled.

Jordy took a step to the side and sat down on a chair. The empty space between them, was soon claimed by a red cat that curled up and fell asleep. Juice's fingers were tingling, eager to feel a little bit of warmth, but he didn't reach out to the animal. Instead he held his glass just a little tighter as he focus on the pattern of Jordy's carpet.

"What was it like to see June again?"

 _June..._

How long had it been since he had heard someone speak her name out loud? He blinked away a new load of tears. Shaking, he took a sip of water. His throat aching.

"I thought... I thought she would be happy," he whispered. A lump was in his throat as he looked up, searching Jordy's eyes. "Her boyfriend... does he treat her good? Does he – does he love her?"

Something inside him broke as Jordy avoided his glance. "He's trying really hard, believe me. But I think – I think he reminds her of you and that complicates things for them."

Juice took a deep breath. When he noticed that the glass was shaking in his hand, he put it down on the table and hid his face in his hands, bending over so that his elbows were resting on his knees. He concentrated on his breathing; he didn't want to have a panic attack.

Jordy waited patiently, and for some reason it pissed him off.

"Why did you let me in?" he asked with a shaky voice. "You – you should hate me for what I did to your friend. For what I'm doing to her now."

"How will anger help us, Juan? It's been fifteen years since you disappeared. I can't stay angry forever, I don't want my heart to get that cold. And June told me why you left; that you wanted to protect her. It's sad how things ended between you two, and yes, I felt angry and guilty because I kept believing in you, 'cause I kept encouraging her to forgive you, to not give up on your love. If I hadn't done that, she might never have gotten in so deep with you. She might never have been able to be so hurt. Then she never would have..." Her words turned into a sigh and she shook her head.

Juice pressed his lips together. The fact that they had become a couple at all, was thanks to Jordy and her support.

"Try to get some sleep, Juan. Tomorrow there will be plenty of time to talk."

He rubbed his face. He was tired, his head felt like it was about to burst. Silence, that what was he wanted. The opportunity to think about nothing. Slowly, he nodded.

"Come, I'll show you the spare room."

Juice shook his head. "No... I'd rather sleep on the couch. If you don't mind."

Close to the door. If they would find him, nobody else would get hurt.

"Okay. I'll get you the bedding."

Not much later he was lying underneath a blanket, staring at the shadows of the house. Somewhere on the ground cat paws were pattering. He closed his eyes, searching for good memories. Their first dance, their first kiss, her smile. Countless nights he had thought about those things, but the memories had never felt as real as they did now. He remembered how her lips felt, how she smelled, how it felt as her finger tips traveled across his jaw, how her voice sounded.

Tonight however it wasn't giving him peace. All he could think of was how things would have been as he hadn't followed his brother's path, if he had learned from his brother's mistakes. Maybe things never would have gotten so ugly. Thinking about Mateo caused a tight feeling in his chest and he clenched his fist, biting his teeth in his knuckles. It didn't help; heated tears kept streaming down his cheeks.

. . .

The next morning he was awakened by heated voices. A little dazed he sat up straight, it took a few seconds before he remembered where he was. Instead of allowing himself to become buried by the memories, he listened to the voices.

" ... can't go in now!" Jordy's voice sounded.

"I need to see him, man! Let me in."

Juice froze as he recognized the voice, although he wasn't able to place it with the owner.

"E..."

As soon as Juice realized who was at the door, he threw away his blankets, grabbed his gun from the ground and jumped on his feet.

The door slammed against the wall and there were loud footsteps coming in his direction. Juice's hand clenched around the gun as he aimed it at the entry to the living room.

Emilio froze in the doorway.


	24. Confessions

_(Edited)_

PRESENT

Emilio didn't know what shocked him more: the gun pointed at his face, the deadly look in Juan's eyes or the fact that the man staring at him looked like he had witnessed the murder of everything that he ever cared for.

Using the universal gesture of surrender he raised his hands. He could see Juan's hands were slightly shaking – it was clear that guy was completely lost and Emilio wouldn't be surprised if he took a bullet whether his old friend meant to shoot or not. "Easy man, just chill. I just came to talk."

"Talk?!" Juan's voice cracked. "Why the hell would you think I ever wanna _talk_ to you again?"Tears jumped into his eyes. "I swore I was going to kill you if I – who are you calling?" he barked all of a sudden, swinging his attention and his gun away from Emilio.

Emilio looked over his shoulder. Jordy's face was pale and she looked at him with a heated glare. Her phone pressed to her ear.

"I need you here, June," she whispered. "That moronic boyfriend of yours pushed his way into my living room and Juan flipped out and is has us at gunpoint."

Emilio gritted his teeth. Really, _he_ was the one acting like a moron? Sure, he had expected that Juan would get pissed, but how was he to know that he would pull a gun? Come on! Who could have seen that coming?!

"Who are you calling!" the man snarled again. "Are you calling June? She can't come over, not with... not with _him_ here!" His finger was still closed around the trigger.

"I... I've already hung up, Juan." Jordy moved to step towards him, but Emilio pushed her away with his shoulder.

"Stay out of sight, idiot," he grumbled. She might think she knew what she was doing because she worked with crazy people all day long, but he doubted they would be holding her at gunpoint any time soon.

Emilio aimed his attention back towards the unstable man in front of him. Juan was still standing a few steps away from him, the weapon was shaking in his hand. His eyes jumping around the room, as if he couldn't decide what to do.

He kept silent.

Emilio took the time to look at the man in front of him. It had been more than fifteen years since they had last spoken to each other. For years, Emilio had searched for him; he had wanted to make things right with the man who had always been like a brother to him. His search had taken him across the east coast, and while it had never led him to Juan, he had managed to find June.

Until now.

Behind him, he heard a door opening. He heard the soft footsteps that he now recognized from memory. He didn't stop her as she walked past him though; no matter how crazy Juan might seem, he was sure that the man would never purposefully hurt her.

* * *

June's whole body was shaking with anger. She had explicitly told Emilio that Juan wasn't ready to meet him, and somehow that translated to Emilio that he should go to visit him? What on earth had he been thinking? That she was exaggerating?

Juan's wide panicked eyes fell upon her. A shiver went through her body. She stood still in front of him and wrapped her arms around him.

"It's okay, Juan," she whispered. "It's okay. Please put the gun down. Emilio won't hurt me, okay? He already apologised to me. Okay? We're okay now, we made up." She cupped his cheek with her hand.

"He made up with you?!" Juan blew up at her. "And you forgave him?! Are you insane? You know – you know what he did. What he..."

"It's been seventeen years, Juan," Emilio responded. "Come on man. I was drunk, I made a mistake. We all did stupid things back in those days."

June cringed. _This isn't helping at all!_

"Stupid things?" Juan yelled. He raised the gun again, his other arm tightening around her waist. "You almost raped her! You almost raped my girl!"

The wordblasted through the room. A deadly silence fell. June could feel how his whole body was shaking. She felt his pain, the betrayal that had hit him so deep it had changed him for good, he was still carrying that anger and pain after all these years. Tears itched in her eyes at the thought, she pressed her face against his shoulder. If he found out... If he found out that she was with Emilio now... he was bound to hate her for it. She took a deep, shaky breath.

"Juan, please," she said with all the control she could gather. "It's been so long ... I've moved past it, I forgave him..."

"You always forgive everyone!" he snapped. "That's the problem with you! You always bury everything, always afraid to cause a fight! That man was about to rape you, June. Don't you understand that?! He was already on top of you and if..." He cursed. "Fuck this, give me one reason why I shouldn't put a bullet in his head! He swore to me that he was going to stay away from you, but judging from the fact that he's here, it clearly shows me his word means shit all!"

She grabbed his arm. "You're not a murderer, Juan. You..."

Juan tore his arm away. "Oh, you have no idea what I am, girl." There was a scorching anger in his eyes as he looked at her; his face had turned into a snarl causing her to step away from him. Fear squeezing her heart.

"Don't... don't say such things..." she whispered.

"You remember all those things you hated about my brother? Well guess what, I'm just like him, only now, I'm so much worse."

She shook her head. "No... no I don't believe that."

"Of course you don't!" he yelled. "You have always been blind to other people's shortcomings until they were rubbed into your fucking face. I'm _not_ a good man, June! And fuck, I don't even know what I'm doing here, why the hell I'm fucking up your life _again_?!"

And with those words his mood swung the other way; suddenly he looked exhausted, tears glistering in his eyes.

"Juan... give me the gun," she said softly but compelling, holding out her hand.

His eyes shot from her face to Emilio's. "What's he doin' here?" Distraught, he ran a hand across his head. "How did he even know I was here?"

"He's my boyfriend," it sounded from out of the hallway. "We're back together."

June cringed. Another lie... they would suffocate each other with them. But perhaps it was the only way out. If they told him now that _she_ had a son with Emilio, he would completely lose it. She was certain he would shoot.

Juan gestured around him, to the paintings hanging across her walls. "You really expect me to believe that Emilio made these?" he asked in a mocking tone.

June broke through her hesitation. She stepped towards him again, slipped her arms around his waist and turned him away from the door. Just like yesterday her fingers moving to his neck, allowing her to rest her forehead against his. "Please Juan," she whispered, gazing in his eyes. "I will explain everything. But please, I need you to put away the gun."

She heard footsteps retreating. Juan wanted to look back, but she pressed her hand against the back of his head.

"He's leaving, okay?" she said quietly. "They're both leaving, so we can be alone. Okay?"

His breathing sped up, she felt how his panic had come back to the surface. She wrapped both of her arms tighter around him. His body was jolting against hers as he fought with his instincts. With a whimper the gun slipped out of his hand, falling to the floor with a dull thud.

"I'm such a mess," he broke. "Such a failure. Maybe Chibs was right. Maybe I should just put the gun against my head and end it all. That would be better for everyone." June held the man who was now sobbing in her arms, mumbling about killing himself.

It felt like someone was strangling her. What kind of sick minded person would say something like that to somebody else? Tears filled her eyes. Did he really believe that? Or was this just his despair talking? Something told her this wasn't the first time he had considered suicide.

"I – I can't lose you again," she whispered. Her fingers glided down his cheeks, catching the tears, softly wiping them from his face.

"But that twenty year old boy you once loved is long gone, June," he said softly.

"He isn't," she said with a lump in her throat, looking into his watery eyes. "I can see him buried in there when you look at me, I still feel him when I hold you, I hear him when you're talking."

She felt his breathing brushing her lips. She wanted to give in so badly; to give him just a little bit of love, something other than the pain, than his feeling of emptiness.

"I still love you," she whispered. Her lips stroking along his. She felt his longing, it mirrored her own longing. He was so broken – and if she were being truly honest, so was she.

His fingers found their way into her hair. He didn't answer the kiss, he hadn't forgotten about what she had said yesterday. But he didn't know about the conversation that she had with Emilio; she remembered Emilio's words well, and after all he was the reason Juan was so upset. She took his hand, led him to the couch and sat down on his lap, a knee on either side of him.

She saw the fright in his eyes, but also the silent longing, the suppressed hope. Her thumbs caressed his temples, her fingertips raked through his hair. In the sunlight that was beaming through the window, she could see the tattoos hidden underneath his hair. Her stomach twisted as her fingers followed the hidden lines.

"Juice..." she stammered, as her fingertips traced the tattoos.

"Yeah... I wanted... I wanted to become him. A better version of myself." He bent his head. "But I failed."

A tear glided down his cheek. She caught it with her lips, enjoying the feeling of his heated skin underneath her lips. She could hear the pounding of her heart in her ears. Very rapidly, as if driven by a wild longing. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pressed her lips against his. For a moment she felt his hesitation, then his fingers wound into her hair as their tongues found each other. She felt his tears, felt her own tears. But the kiss, their intimacy, seemed to push away their pain for a brief moment, to a far corner in their minds. She kissed, pouring her passion into the kiss, feeling the desire to be his again flare up. Her hands reached for the hem of her shirt so she could take it off, but his hands folded around hers.

"Don't think we should do that," he said with a raspy voice. "Think about your boyfriend. I don't know – I don't know if that's a step he will forgive you."

With a sigh she leaned into him. If he knew who her boyfriend was, he might even push for more, though not for the reasons she would want.

Maybe she should tell him the truth, now that Emilio wasn't around. Juan would find out soon anyway and she would rather be alone with him when that happened.

"Juan..." she took a deep breath. "My boyfriend just left the house. And we had talked, he – he doesn't mind if we..." she trailed off, looking skittishly at him, waiting until he understood what she was implying.


	25. Too Good To Be True

_(Edited)_

THE PAST

June closed the door behind her. For a moment, she leaned with her back against it, her fingers spread across her racing heart. She felt it pounding in her chest. Did this night truly happen? Closing her eyes, she could still feel his lips upon hers, his fingers across her cheek, his body pressed against hers.

 _"Oh June... I really, really like you."_

A wide smile tugged its way across her mouth, butterflies raced through her body. She felt so happy she could dance. He was so sweet, so gentle... She wrapped her arms around herself, pretending it was Juan who was holding her. Oh, how she wished it was already Monday, so she could see him again!

Pushing herself away from the door, she entered the living room. The night-light next to her mother's bed was still on. June walked towards her and sat down on the edge of the bed, listening to her labored breathing.

"I'm home, mom," she said softly, not knowing if she was asleep or not.

Her eyes slowly opened, a sleepy smile spreading across her face. She scooted a little to the side. June took off her shoes and laid down next to her mother.

"Did you have a good time?" She laid her fragile hand across June's. "I assume you did. Your eyes are shining, my dear."

June's cheeks started to glow and she nodded, at least tried to, the motion hindered with her head on the pillow.

"Did you and Juan Carlos dance?"

"We did," she answered quietly, and after that confession her mother's eyes started to sparkle too. "He brought me home, almost two hours ago, but we didn't want the night to end, so before I had the chance to go inside he asked if we could go to the park. Oh Mom, he was so sweet, we were finally able to talk, and we danced – and... and we kissed." She dropped her eyes. "I was so nervous, but he was so sweet and patient... and I think he was nervous too." Skittishly she looked up; it felt strange to talk about it with her mom. But seeing the wide smile on her mother's face showed her she had made the right choice. Her mother's happiness meant just as much to her as the kiss she had shared with Juan.

"I can't wait to meet him. You should invite him over soon."

Hesitantly, she nodded. "He promised to text me so we can pick a date."

Her mom lifted her hand and caressed her hair. "I'm glad you enjoyed your first prom, sweetheart. Didn't I tell you that you two would be fine?"

"You did," June answered softly. She snuggled up closer to her mother, pulled the blanket over her shoulder and closed her eyes.

Once June knew that her mother was deep asleep, she eased herself out of the bed and made her way back to her own room.

* * *

As June had expected, Jordy stood at her door the next morning. What she hadn't expected, was that she would bring Beth and Shawna with her – Jordy's eyes were red, as if she had been crying.

Shawna's hand laid on her shoulder in a comforting way and Beth stared forward, looking at her with her cold glance.

June was unsettled, she had expected Jordy to come at some point today, to talk about what had happened with her cousin, maybe to apologize again for setting them up. But looking at her friends now, she really wasn't sure what was going on.

"Hey Junie..." Jordy gave her a tight hug. "Listen, I'm sorry about last night and I'm sorry for all this. It's just... I find this really hard." She wiped her eyes.

"What happened?" June asked. A bad feeling nestled inside her stomach.

"I'll tell you in a minute. Come, let's go to your room."

The girls greeted June's mother and went upstairs. Beth sat down on June's desk chair, the other three took a seat at the bed, with their backs against the wall.

"How was last night, June?" Jordy asked. "When Juan brought you home?"

June laced her fingers. Her friend lacked her usual enthusiasm. June's eyes shot to Beth, but the got such a dirty look in return that she felt a pang in her chest. She looked down at her knees, feeling a little disappointed because she had the feeling her friends didn't truly want to know how her evening had gone. "It was... nice," she muttered. "But please tell me what's going on, you obviously aren't here to hear my stories about Juan."

Beth snorted dismissively. June clenched her fists, she was frustrated that her friend kept being so demeaning when she spoke of Juan while she didn't even know him, but she knew this wasn't the right moment to say something about it.

Jordy's voice interrupted her inner rantings.

"Rodey was stabbed and dumped in an alley last night."

Shocked, June looked up. "W-what?"

Jordy rubbed her eyes, her shoulders slumped down. "I don't know exactly what happened but when they found him he had drugs in his system and had stabbed three times in the stomach. He's in the ICU now."

June's eyes widened and she covered her mouth withher hand. "Oh God, that's horrible! Will he – will he make it?"

"We don't know yet," she answered with a bent head. A tear glided down her cheek.

"Oh Jor... I – I don't know what to say."

"Well, you could at least promise us that you are going to stay away from that psycho," Beth taunted.

June's eyes shot forward. "What – what, who do you mean?"

"Oh come on, June." The dark eyes of her friend were smoldering. "Jordy told me what happened yesterday; that Rodey groped you and that Juan Carlos saved you from him. Isn't it obvious! He took his revenge! Do I really need to explain to you how their sick minds work? You left with him, I would even dare to guess that your tongue was down in that guy's throat! In his mind you're his. And everyone who dares to touch you from now on, will get a clear message they shouldn't do that again."

June shook her head. "No... he isn't like that." She turned her face towards Jordy. "You don't believe that, right?"

Jordy's gaze stayed fixed on her legs. Her blue hair took her face from sight. "Shawna saw Rodey leave, with Juan's date. And I... I saw her whispering with Mateo earlier on."

"But that doesn't mean..."

Beth cursed, so loud and rude that June's head snapped in her direction in shock. Next to her Shawna flinched, pressing her hands against her ears as she always did when people were yelling.

"His brother raped my sister! He drugged her, he did God knows what to her and then if that wasn't bad enough he showed it to the whole school! Why the hell wouldn't his little brother be able to do _this?_ His own blood!He's insane, he's dangerous and his little brother obviously has got a screw loose too! The fact that he's even still _talking_ to his brother says enough, right? No sane person would do that, no normal human being would want to be seen with a rapist!"

June bent her head. She thought back to yesterday; to his embraces, the soft tone in which he had talked to her. She had seen his anger when they talked about Rodey, but he had controlled himself, nothing had convinced her that he wanted to do something as extreme as stabbing his classmate. A tear glided down her cheek. But what if her friends were right? What if he... what if he had really stabbed someone? Someone who was fighting for his life now, only because she hadn't been clearer when she said she didn't want him to touch her?

She pulled up her knees and pressed her face against them. Everything had been so perfect yesterday and now everything seemed to be collapsing around her. When she closed her eyes she could still see his face, his smile, those shining eyes... no she couldn't believe he was really capable of doing something so horrible.

Her phone buzzed on her desk. She looked up, but Beth had picked up the device already. With a disapproving look she watched the screen. "Well, you can dump him now."

June held out her hand. "Give it to me."

Beth tossed the phone towards her and clumsily June caught it. It was an unknown number, but she couldn't think of anyone but Juan who would be sending her a text. Her fingers were shaking as she opened the message.

 _Hey! Did you sleep well? I really enjoyed last night, I hope to see you soon again. 3_

June felt her cheeks getting hot. Three times she read the message, her eyes kept drifting to the heart at the end. It was impossible that these were the words of someone who almost killed a boy yesterday, right?

"Is Beth right? Is it Juan?" Jordy asked softly.

With a sigh June showed her friend the message.

"Oh June... you like each other so much..." she sighed. "I hope... I really hope it's just a coincidence and that he has nothing to do with it..."

Beth grabbed the phone out of Jordy's hands, read the text and dropped the phone. "This just makes me want to puke." She stood up, rushed out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

A new sigh left Jordy's mouth. "This must be calling up a lot of memories for her."

"I get it," June muttered. She refused to believe that Juan was just like his brother – but still. They got along really well; they must, if Juan liked him enough to tell him he was falling in love with her. If someone knew his brother was a rapist, he wouldn't do things like that, right? It didn't make sense, someone would cut the ties with such a person immediately. Right? It shouldn't matter that they were family…

"What are you going to do now?" Shawna asked softly.

June bit her lip. "I'm not going to judge him just based off of suspicions. I want to ask him if he had something to do with this and I hope – I just really hope he didn't."

Jordy laid a hand on her knee and squeezed. She said nothing.

June picked up her phone, stared at the screen for a while and typed back a message: _Hey! Could you come over this afternoon?_

A second later a new message popped up. _Sure! :)_

June wiped her eyes, she could effortlessly imagine his smile. "Yesterday felt so perfect... It was all too good to be true," she muttered, putting away her phone.

Jordy's hand glided to hers and squeezed. This time there was no pep-talk; clearly, she believed Juan was the one who had stabbed her cousin.

June wished she could go back to bed, to wake up again and that her stories about Juan would be the only reason her friends were in her room now.


	26. Head in the Sand

_(Edited)_

THE PAST

Juan let the change slip into his pocket as he took the bouquet of roses. He still wasn't entirely sure if this was too much, but other than the few times he had been to his friend Riley's he had never been at a girl's house and it didn't help that half of the time he forgot Riley was a girl at all.

Going to June's house gave him a special feeling and he wanted to impress her parents. Her parents... The nerves were suddenly sloshing through his body. How would he be received? Would they like him or would they wish June had taken someone else home? He tried to convince himself they had to be kind people since June had inherited their genes, at least that's what he assumed. June had never spoken of her parents before but; well, with their track record they hadn't talked about their personal lives much. But he was also hesitant to compare June to her parents since he liked to think he wasn't anything like his own parents.

He wiped his clammy hands on his pants as he left the flower store, continuing his walk to her house. It was hard to believe that she had already invited him over. That was a positive right? She hadn't wanted to wait until Monday, so maybe last night was enough for her to decide that she wanted to be with him. As a real couple. Finally. The thought of it made his heart jump, causing a wide smile to take over his face.

The prospect of seeing June again, on only a few short minutes, pushed away the flashes of memory that had been plaguing him all day. The gushing blood. The screams. The knife in his shaking hand. The earth seeming to spin around him as he stumbled backwards. Images that had kept him from sleeping – and only the thought of June was able to dispel the nasty cold that had invaded his body.

Her house came into sight. His knees felt week as he walked up the garden path. He looked at the roses in his hand, he could still get rid of them. Maybe she'd think they were trite, but after listening to Guns 'n Roses for hours, it had just felt fitting.

Nervously he bounced on his toes as he pressed the doorbell. Fumbling on the hem of his shirt, he waited until someone would open the door. How should he greet her? With a kiss? A hug? His grasp around the bouquet tightened in anticipation.

Finally the door opened. For a moment he was afraid that a surly looking father would be staring back at him, but it was June herself.

"Hey," he said – his voice sounding like something was stuck in his throat. Awkwardly he cleared his throat.

He saw her lips move, but she didn't make a sound. Without looking at him, she stepped aside to let him in.

Juan's shoulders tensed. "I, uh, I brought you these." A bit awkwardly he held out the roses. Sweat inched it's way down his neck.

She took the flowers, but still avoided his glance. There was no 'thank you', she said nothing at all. Juan held himself awkwardly in front of her; his hand grasping his elbow, not knowing how to stand. She didn't seem to be happy to see him – there was no smile, no shimmering in her eyes. Did she regret their kiss? Was that the reason that she had wanted to see him today? The nerves were almost breaking him and he felt relieved when she left the hallway.

He followed her into the living room. The furniture looked old and a bed was pushed against the wall. Was someone sick? He looked around noticing the medications on the side table, but there was nobody else downstairs.

"My sisters are taking a walk with my mom," she said quietly as she saw him looking around. "So uh, so I can talk to you."

Juan took a deep breath, trying to ignore the nerves in his stomach. His eyes shooting to her face. She was staring at the floor, her face tensed. He wanted to take her hand, wanted to draw her in close, but he didn't dare. She did not look as if she would welcome his touch right now. Because he was afraid his legs could collapse any moment, he moved to sit down on the couch and she did the same, but with some space between them. Folding her hands in her lap, she seemed to be looking for words.

"Did I – did I do something wrong?" he asked when the silence started to get really uncomfortable. "Didn't you – didn't you have a good time last night?"

"I did," she muttered. With her thumb she rubbed her knuckles in an almost obsessive manner, until they turned red. "I'm going to ask you something and I really want you to be honest." She looked up to him. There were deep lines in her face, he got the impression that she was scared. By reflex he wanted to reach out for her hand, but before he could touch her, she pulled away her hands. "Please don't," she said softly.

Juan swallowed with difficulty. "Okay," he muttered. "Just ask your question."

She took a deep breath. "Jordy... Jordy was here this morning and she... she told me that Rodey was stabbed."

Juan froze, he felt the color being drain from his face. _Shit._ Mateo had promised him that nobody would find out what they had done; even if the cops paid Anna a visit, she would admit that they had left the party together, but that she had kicked him out of the car when he was getting a little too touchy. The alley where they had dropped the guy had been in between the party and Anna's apartment – it had sounded like foolproof plan.

"Jordy and Beth... they think it was you." She didn't look at him, instead she kept her eyes trained on her knees.

Juan swallowed. What should he do? She had asked for an honest answer, but he was afraid she wouldn't want to see him again if she knew the truth.

"Please – please tell me it wasn't you," she whispered.

"I – it wasn't me." His voice sounded weak. Unbelievable. She looked up to him, the tears in her eyes made his chest tremble. He never wanted to hurt her. But what could he do? Did he want to share the knowledge that he had been there or could he live with the fact that he hadn't been completely honest with her when she had explicitly asked him to?

He couldn't bear to hold her glance any longer and bent his head. Sooner or later his guilt would be in the way. "I just wanted to beat him up. Nothing... dangerous. But Mateo gave me a knife and..." He pressed his lips together. From the corner of his eye he saw how she grabbed the edge of the couch, her fingers turning pale as she squeezed so hard. "I couldn't do it. My brother kept pushing though, kept asking me if you weren't worth it, to make him pay for what he did. But I – I just couldn't, and then he got angry, he ripped it out of my hands and did it himself. I tried to stop him, but everything went so fast and I was just... scared. There was nothing I could do to stop him."

He peeked to the side. June had bent over, her elbows leaning on her knees and her hands hiding her face. The silence cut him to the core.

"Please – say something," he said in a shaky voice. He understood if she was angry, if she never wanted to see him again. But the silence... nothing was worse than this silence. He had to know what was going on in her head. "I – I never wanted to hurt you. I – I just wanted to teach him a lesson. Because of what he'd done to you. But things got out of hand and..." His hands ran across his head, distraught, not knowing what else he could say.

"You know what's the worst part?" she asked after a long time, her eyes still aimed at the floor. "That of all people it is your _brother_ who wants to punish someone for this. And that you agree with him! While you – while you know he deserves a lot worse than what you've done with Rodey."

Juan felt the muscles in his arms tense. His breathing became heavier. He hated it when people talked this way about his brother, but hearing those words from June... it upset him, more than it normally would. "My brother would never..."

She turned her head towards him, her face straight. "Do you know what he did with Katie? With Beth's sister?"

"Not exactly," he muttered.

"Maybe it's about time you ask him what happened. I can't... I can't be with someone who's willing to hang out with... with a rapist."

"He ain't a rapist!" Juan snapped, with clenched fists now.

Sure, he couldn't deny that Mateo sometimes did things that weren't exactly legal, but him raping someone? He refused to believe that – he refused to believe that the only family member who _did_ care about him could do something like that. "It's just gossip. You shouldn't believe them."

"Maybe you _should_ ," June said softly. "This isn't just gossip, Juan. Beth is my friend. It was her sister."

Juan kept silent. He remembered all the deadly glares the black-haired girl had shot at him. Now he understood why she hated him so much. He thought about his brother. Could he really have done such a thing? Things Mateo had said, haunted him. _"I'm serious, Juan Carlos. If you wanna fuck her, just do it."_ He remembered his brother's smirk all too well _. "Some bitches just need a bit more attention. But in the end, they all want the same."_

But being persistent wasn't the same as raping someone, right? Could Mateo really have... He shook his head. No, it couldn't be. It just couldn't.

"I'll ask Mateo. What happened exactly," he muttered. Nervously he squeezed his fingers. "You wanna – you wanna give me another chance after that? 'Cause I – I..."

He bent his head. What the hell was he supposed to do if Mateo had really raped someone? He couldn't just remove him from his life – he didn't want that. What if he would really lose his brother? Then what? Tears jumped in his eyes at the thought of having to live alone with his mother. What if his brother was sent to prison? Then everybody would consider him as the little brother of a rapist.

Even though some people already did believe that.

Like June. Of course she didn't want to be with someone like him.

"I get it," he muttered. "Maybe you should have told me this before all the dancing and kissing yesterday. Bet you already knew about Mateo and Katie then."

"That was before your brother stabbed my best friend's cousin. He might not even make it to tomorrow," she muttered, wiping her eyes.

"Yeah, well then he should have kept his hands off you." The words slipped his lips before he realized it and he regretted them immediately. _Shit._ Sighing, he rubbed his face. "Sorry. I didn't mean that. I didn't want him to get stabbed, I just wanted to give him a good beatin' so he would think twice before groping someone again. Who knows what he would've done with you if Jordy and I hadn't gone lookin' for you."

She didn't answer. She had pressed her fingers together and was looking down again. Juan wanted to stand up, wanted to leave because he had no doubt she wanted him to leave, but his legs felt too heavy, his feet numb. He bowed his head, taking a few deep breaths. His brother... a rapist. What if it was really true? What the hell was he supposed to do then? He didn't even want to ask Mateo, he'd rather keep his head stuck in the sand, like he had done all this time.

A tear ran down his cheek at the thought that it could be really true and he sobbed quietly. He hated crying, especially when she was around. But other than Emilio, Mateo was really the only one who cared about him and despite all the things that were said about him, he loved his brother and he had believed that he knew him well enough to know what was the truth and what was a lie. He just... he just couldn't lose him.

"He's the only family I got," he muttered, rubbing his eyes. He didn't want her to think that he was crying because she didn't want to give him another chance. "And if you're right... I'm gonna have no one."

Her hand glided towards his and he shivered as she closed her fingers around it. She didn't tell him it wasn't true; that he would still have some family, that he had friends he could count on. That wasn't the same as having a real family, and the bed in the living room gave him the feeling she knew what that felt like better than anyone else.

"I'm sorry June," he sighed, staring at their laced fingers. "I wish I hadn't been so weak, so that I could have stopped him."

"It's not me you should apologize to."

She however was the only one he wanted to apologize to. He didn't care what Jordy and Rodey thought of him.

"I can't say anything to Rodey," he muttered. "I don't want – I don't want to go to jail." He rubbed his eyes. "And Mateo... He will never confess what he did. I don't wanna take the fall for it all."

June sighed softly, rubbing her eyes as well. "I will tell Jordy that you tried to stop Mateo. But I don't know... I don't know if we... can still be a thing."

Juan's shoulders slumped down. With his arm he wiped his cheek as another tear ran down. Yesterday he had felt so happy with her, so much better than he had felt in months, maybe even in years. He didn't want to give it up, but it wasn't his call.

"Okay," he answered quietly, sniffing. "I get it."

"Maybe... once this blows over and – and if Jordy is okay with it, then... She's my best friend Juan, I don't want you to be the reason that we..." She sighed.

"I get it," he repeated. "I really do." He didn't want to come between those two. "And Beth?"

No matter how much time would pass, he knew she wouldn't change her mind. Her hatred for Mateo, and for his family, was rooted too deep.

"Talk to your brother first." She looked up to him. "Cause you can't keep pretending nothing happened; you can't keep believing that the whole world is lying and that your brother is the only one speaking the truth. If you discover how he really is, and you still want to be around him..." She shook her head. "Then it could never work between us."

He sighed. She was right – of course she was right. But he just dreaded the moment of truth; to discover that his brother might not be the man he thought he was.


	27. Katie

_(Edited)_

THE PAST

As usual, nobody was around when he got home. Juan was assuming that his mother was with her new fling, she had found this one a few weeks ago, which usually resulted in her being absent for days.

The silence in the house felt like it was smothering him – now more than ever. What if this was his future? All alone, every day? His mother flavour of the month, his brother in jail, his sister away at college? How the hell was he ever supposed to survive? Feeling a bit shaky, he breathed in deeply. He tried to think about positive things; June's hand had been around his just a while ago, the dance they had shared, the feeling of her in his arms but it wasn't helpful at all. He didn't even know if that would ever happen again, if he would ever hold her in his arms or kiss her again.

He flopped down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling lethargically. The emptiness and the fear that he was feeling now, were such a contrast to the happiness he had been teased with last night; it made him feel sick. It felt like his one moment of luck for this year was over, as if everything could only go downhill from now on.

His phone rung. In a foolish moment he hoped it would be June; calling to tell him that she liked him so much that she already want to forgive him. Unfortunately however, it was Emilio. He ignored the call. The last thing he wanted to hear right now, was some elaborate description of how his night had been. His friend had already woken him up in the middle of the night by texting him: _I love your brother_ and _Melany is so fuckin hot_ and that was already more than Juan wanted to know.

Juan didn't leave the couch until the door opened and his brother entered the living room. A jolt of pain went through his heart when he saw Mateo's face, adorned with his usual grin. He put down a bag groceries at the counter top.

"Surprised to see you here. Thought you'd be all over your girl by now."

"She doesn't want to see me right now, didn't like the fact that you stabbed her date. He's in the ICU."

Mateo's eyes narrowed. With large steps, he walked towards Juan. "You told her?"

"Of course not. But she ain't stupid man. She figured it out herself."

Mateo ran a hand across his face and sat down next to him. "Shit man. You denied it, right?"

"I told her you did it when I refused to do it."

Mateo snorted. "You wanted it too man. I saw it in your eyes. You were just too chicken."

Juan clenched his jaws. That wasn't true and his brother knew that very well. "What happened with Katie?"

"Huh?" Mateo's eyebrows creased with the sudden topic change.

He fidgeted with the nail on his thumb; there was a crack in it. "Katie. Did you rape her?"

Mateo grabbed his chin and roughly pulled his face to the side. "The fuck are you talkin' about?"

Juan jerked his head away from his brother's grasp. "Don't pretend I'm an idiot. Is it true?" He had wanted to sound steadfast, but his voice was shaking. "Are you a rapist?"

With a darkening face, his brother stared him in the eye.

Juan turned his face away as the tears jumped in his eyes. God, it was really true. His shoulders started to shake and no matter how hard he tried to wipe his eyes, he couldn't stop the tears.

"Hey, calm down kid. Hey!" Mateo swung an arm around him and pulled him close. "Of course not. I'm no rapist. Hey, don't be ridiculous, Juan. Come on, you know me. You never listened to all that crap before, why'd you start now?"

Sniffling, he breathed in. Resting his head against his brother's shoulder. He wanted to believe him so badly, but the nasty feeling in his stomach wasn't going away. "Katie's sister... is June's friend. And June – she doesn't want to see me, not 'til I know the truth. About you and Katie. She thinks... she thinks you're a hypocrite for stabbing Rodey cause you..." He cringed as Mateo let out a deep sigh next to his ear as he trailed off, unsure how to finish. "I just keep thinking about what you said to me, a few weeks ago. That I just had to fuck her if that was what I wanted. Does that mean... that you... even if they don't want..."

"Hey, stop it Juan." Mateo's voice sounded annoyed. "Look at me."

With a heavy feeling in his head, he did as his brother asked.

"I'm not like that. Every once and a while, sure I'll occasionally give a girl somethin' that'll loosen her up a bit, ya know – just some shit to make her feel more relaxed. Just a bit, to help if they're really nervous. But only when I know that she wants me. I never forced anyone into anything."

"Well, maybe you're not the best in deciding if someone wants you," he muttered.

"It just brings 'em a bit more to the right mood, Juan, that's all. It's not like they don't know what they're doin' anymore. Come on man, I'm no monster."

"Then what happened with Katie?"

Mateo leaned back. For a moment Juan thought he saw pain flashing in his brother's eyes. "Katie was so..." He shook his head. "Everyone knew she wanted to become an actress and when we got to chatting a bit I told her she'd need to do some practicing in front of the camera. And, well, I convinced her that she should practice those sex scenes on camera cause they would've been the hardest ones to do. I offered to help her, so we made some porn; after all it's an easy way to get into that world. That's how it started. Just a clever way to get her into bed, nothing more. But then things started to become more serious between us. She wanted more than just sex, and sometimes I wondered if I wanted that too… I tried to ignore that thought most of the time. After a while I grew tired of her pushin' for more, so I dumped her. She wasn't happy about it. She kept comin' to me, kept tryin' to get me to change my mind. A few weeks later she claimed she was pregnant. I didn't buy it, told her she should get rid of it. I didn't want to be a father and I sure as hell had no interest in doin' it in high school. But she wanted to keep it anyway." He stared past Juan for a moment, a quiet look in his eyes, lost in the memories.

"She went crazy 'cause I didn't want the kid and threatened to tell everyone that I'd raped her. I didn't give a shit. 'Do that', I told her. And then all the wild stories started. That I'd drugged her, mistreated her, raped her, threatened her... all that shit. She was panicking, fifteen years old and pregnant and I bailed on her. Now I get how messed up it all was and I understand that something probably snapped inside her head. But at the time I was pissed with all the lies she spread about me, so I put up some of the videos we made at the school's website. They clearly told everyone how much she had enjoyed it and that I hadn't been rapin' or druggin' her at all." Mateo fell silent and looked briefly at him. "After that, she felt so humiliated that she cut her wrists. Everything – _everything_ had been a cry for attention, for help maybe, but I didn't hear it. I thought she just couldn't stand the fact that I'd dumped her. I never thought she would actually kill herself."

Juan stared speechless at his brother. "Have you – I mean you lost a child?" The thought that he could have been an uncle, made his jaw drop.

Mateo shrugged his shoulders. "I guess ‒ if I did it was for the best. What the hell would I do with a kid? Never did find out if she actually was or not…" He lifted the corner of his mouth and rubbed his knuckles across Juan's head. "Besides, already got my hands full with you."

"Why... why did you never tell me?"

"Why would I? I'm not proud of it and you never cared about the gossip anyway." He smiled a bit sadly. "Until you were about to lose your girl." He wrapped an arm around Juan's shoulder again and pressed his lips to his temple. "I'm not a rapist, Juan. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

Juan leaned against his shoulder and wiped a tear from his cheek. He felt immensly relieved, there was no doubt in his heart that his brother had told him the truth, he could hardly remember the last time his brother had been so open with him. But whether he could convince June of it too... that remained to be seen.

"What about you and your girl now?" Mateo asked after a while. "I mean, she's clearly got the hots for you and you've fallen hard for her too... This won't ruin it, right?"

Juan sat up a little straighter and shrugged, he appreciated his brother's serious tone, normally he would expect him to dismiss it as something unimportant. "We'll have to see how it goes with Rodey first. If that guy dies because of what we did..." He breathed in sharply, suddenly panic wrestled its way to the surface again. He took a few deep breaths before he continued: "Then she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Her friendship with Jordy is too important. She promised to keep me in the loop." Automatically, he took his phone from his pocket to see if there was a message, but there wasn't.

"The guy'll be fine. Don't worry so much."

Juan dropped his eyes and sighed. "I think – I think she might forgive me for being there when it happened." _Because I tried to stop you._ However he didn't feel the need to say it out loud. He didn't need Mateo to remind him that he hadn't tried _that hard._ "But first she wants everything to blow over. So, I don't think she's gonna let me take her on a date before the next school year." He chewed on the inside of his cheek. "And she's gotta figure out the whole Beth thing..." He sighed. "I'll tell June what you told me. But I dunno... I dunno if she'll believe me. Beth is kinda intense."

Mateo leaned back. "I'm not the only one who knows the truth. I can set her up with one of the girls Katie was friends with, to grab a coffee. Then she can ask all her questions. Guess she'll find it more reliable than anything I would say anyway. Maybe she should bring the sister too. Maybe that'll help get this shit sorted."

Hopefully, Juan looked at him. "Would you really do that?"

Mateo gave Juan a tired smile and slapped the back of his head "Come on kid. You know I'd do anything for you."


	28. Made For Each Other

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

June was sitting on the couch. Absent-mindedly, her hand glided across the spot where Juan had been sitting only an hour ago. She had been left with a horrible feeling watching him leave, especially after he had been crying. A few weeks ago she never would have imagined that there was such a sensitive guy hidden underneath that tough exterior. Sure, sometimes she got the feeling that he tried to maintain a certain imagine around his friends, but for him to prove her right by breaking when he was with her... The memory of his wet cheeks and sad eyes created a lump in her throat. They hadn't talked much about their families, but if that asshole of a brother was really the only true family he had... then he really must have a hard life.

And now she was only going to make things harder.

Would Mateo even admit to him that he was a rapist? There was no way Beth could be wrong about him, right? She found it hard to believe, especially since those types of accusations, without proof could destroy someone. Juan deserved so much more than a brother who ought to belong in jail...

June turned her glance towards the front door opened when she heard the lock click. April pushed her mother's wheelchair inside, stopping it next to the couch, where their mother stood up carefully. June got up to support her and helped her sit back down in the more comfortable location. Taking a cushion, she handed it to her mother, so she could put it behind her back and was rewarded with a grateful smile in return.

"Can you two please go run a few errands for me?" her mother asked the twins. "June made a list this morning."

June took the paper from the table and gave it to her sister. From the doorway to the living room, she could see May looking curiously at them; the girls knew their mother wanted to be alone with their older sister for a while, but they didn't know why.

As the twins left the house, her mother grabbed her hand and squeezed softly. June hadn't told her much, only that something had happened that she needed to talk to Juan about. She wanted to be sure about what he had done with Rodey, before she talked to her mother about it. She hadn't wanted to create any suspicions or rumours.

"What is going on, sweetheart? Ever since your friends stopped by this morning, that beautiful smile left your face."

June sighed softly. "Remember how I told you that Rodey was my date for the prom? Jordy's cousin?"

Her mother nodded.

Turning her head away, she stared at her fingers. Except for Juan, she hadn't talked about it with anyone, her friends hadn't bothered to ask. She took a deep breath. "Well... umm, he thought that I was a boring date, so he took some sort of pill to make him have more fun, I guess…" she muttered. "But I didn't know that. So after a while when he wanted to get some air... I went with him. But once we got outside... he umm… pushed me against a wall and he started to kiss me. We were away from everyone else, so nobody saw and when I tried to push him away, he wouldn't let me. He, he covered my mouth with his hand and started kissing my neck while his hand... his hand slipped into my bra." She closed her eyes as the images shot through her head again, as she remembered the panic that had almost knocked her down.

"Oh June..." Her mother's voice was trembling. "Why didn't you tell me yesterday?"

"Because I just wanted to forget about it. I wanted to focus on other things. Better memories." Sighing, she raked a hand through her hair. "That was all that happened. Juan and Jordy noticed that we weren't inside so they came to find us and Juan pulled Rodey off of me. Then – then he brought me home." She swallowed with difficulty. "But when he left... he met up with his brother and I guess they went after Rodey, to make him pay. He had got a knife." She wiped her eyes. "And then – his brother stabbed Rodey. Three times."

She felt how her mother's fingers tensed around her hand. As she looked up skittishly, there however was no shock in her eyes.

"That will teach him."

With wide eyes, June stared at her mother. "W-what?"

Her mother petted her hair. Her fingers were shaking. "You are my little girl, June. More than anything I wish to protect you myself, but I... I can't." She bit her lip, a tear ran down her cheek. "It's a relief to know that you have found someone else who will protect you. Especially... especially once I am gone."

June swallowed, her throat swollen with anxiety. She bent her head. "They – they could have just talked to him or given him a beat down if it was really needed," she muttered. Tears itched in her eyes and she quickly focused on what had happened, instead of her mother's nearing end. "It's not like he's some random guy, it's Jordy's cousin. And he – he's in the ICU now."

"A words or a simple beating mean nothing to men like that, June. The fact that he is your friend's cousin, doesn't give him the right to do with you whatever pleases him. If anything it should have been that fact that kept him from touching you!" Although her mother's voice was usually soft, it sounded embittered now. "From now on he will think twice before he gropes a girl again. Things could have gotten much worse if Juan hadn't gone looking for you."

June bit her nail. Of course it was wrong what Rodey had done, but he didn't deserve to die because of it, right? Maybe it wasn't their intention to injure him so badly, but nevertheless, that was what had happened.

"Mateo... – Juan's brother – is so much worse than Rodey, mom." she muttered. "Beth says that he was the one who abused and raped her sister; that he spread their private video's around school which caused her to..." June swallowed, wiping her eyes once more. "Now Beth is angry with me because I have feelings for Juan, since his family is the one that caused her sister's death. And then with Juan wanting to hurt Rodey while his own brother..." She pressed her hands to her hair. Soothingly, her mother rubbed her back. "I just don't know what to do anymore, mom," she whispered. "Juan looks up to his brother, he doesn't want to believe that he is capable of such a thing. When I – when I told him that his brother could be a rapist, it hit him really hard. He – he cried. I really think he has no one besides Mateo."

"You can't blame that boy for the crimes of his brother." Her mother was still stroking her shoulders in a soothing way.

June snuggled closer to her. She knew her mom was not as well as she led her and her sisters to believe, but she was still around now and June would seek out her comfort for as long as she could. The thought that Juan couldn't have these kinds of moments; that he didn't have a father or a mother who he could pour his heart out too, only an older brother who was probably more likely to drag them both down than to provide him any sort of comfort, made her heart shrink.

"Was this Mateo ever arrested because of the rape?"

"No," June muttered. "Not that I know of. If he had – then he would still be in jail, right?"

"And why is that, you think?"

June shrugged her shoulders. "He probably talked himself out of it?"

Her mother let out a soft sigh. "How old was he when it happened? Fifteen? Sixteen? When I heard the story all those years ago, and I know this doesn't mean that it didn't happen, but she didn't press charges." Her face grew a little softer. "We just moved to this neighborhood when Katie committed suicide. Everyone was talking about it, there were so many stories going around... I'm sure Beth has gone through a really tough past few years, and she might have latched onto the story that she could put the most anger into, the one that allows her to blame someone for her loss. She was only twelve years old when it happened, and her parents probably were trying to shelter her from what was happening, don't forget that."

June took a deep breath and ran a hand across her face. She could barely believe it; her mother was picking Mateo's side. "I told you what kinds of things Mateo said to me. He practically called me a whore!"

"I'm not saying he's a saint, June, but it doesn't make him a rapist. He took a big risk when he went after Rodey last night. He wouldn't have done it if he didn't care about you– or at least about his little brother."

June bit her lip. Her mother didn't understand. Mateo was the type of guy that didn't need much incentive to do something so horrible, but she didn't dare to say that out loud. Her mother already warned her to not condemn either brother before she knew the full stories.

"If Shawna or Jordy had called him a rapist, would you have responded the same way?" June asked quietly. "You – you don't like Beth much, do you?"

Her mother sighed softly. "It's hard to read her. She has always been so... cold. Shawna is a sweetheart and Jordy is like a daughter to me, but Beth... I'm a lucky woman if she even greets me when she comes into my home." Her mother was silent for a moment, brows drawn and lips pinched in disapproval. Her respiration told June that she needed some time to control her breathing as she was getting worked up. "You will come to learn June that some friends give you energy, others take it from you. Ideally, a good friendship does both. But with Beth... I always have the feeling she doesn't give much, June. I saw how angry she was when she left the house this morning. I understand she's having a rough time, but so are you, June, so is Shawna and Jordy. The three of you complement each other, support each other. But Beth..."

"She has no one besides us, no friends," June said softly. "And I know you might not see them but there really are moments that she's nice. But ever since she found out that Juan and I like each other... things have just been hard for her."

Her mother caught her glance. "Maybe you should be asking yourself which of them makes you happier; Beth or Juan. It's okay to choose for yourself now and then, June. It has always made me so proud to see you thinking of other people's happiness and watching you do everything you can to help them. But it's also okay to put your happiness first. I have never seen you shine like you did last night. Allow yourself some happiness, sweetheart."

June dropped her eyes. It wasn't as easy as it sounded. If she was to start dating Juan now and things didn't work out between them, she might lose her friends. Especially Beth, and Jordy... Jordy was still processing what had happened to her cousin. She wanted to give her time and not cause any more stress. That wouldn't have a good influence on a possible relationship with Juan anyway.

She didn't respond to her mother's words, but rested her head against her shoulder and closed her eyes.

* * *

That night June went to see Jordy. Shawna and Beth weren't around – she hadn't even heard anything from Beth since she had rushed out of the house earlier that day.

"They just took him out of the ICU," Jordy told her as they had sat down on the bed. June clutched a pillow between her arms and fidgeted with a corner of the case. "They said his colon was perforated two times, so they had to do a surgery to fix it. He lost a lot of blood, but he'll survive," she explained with a shaky smile.

June took her hand and squeezed. "I'm really happy to hear that," she said softly.

"Did you talk to Juan?"

"Yeah..." She bent her head, she didn't dare to look at her friend any longer. "He said he just wanted to beat him up, because of what he did to me… Mateo said it should be more and pushed a knife into his hands. But when Juan refused to use it, Mateo grabbed it from him and did it himself. He told me that he tried to stop his brother, but that it went too fast and that he was scared." Her fingers were trembling as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"The ambulance got to him really quick," Jordy said. "They said they got an anonymous tip. I guess he called them right after they left." Sighing, she ran a hand through her blue hair. "This is all on me. If I hadn't set you two up, none of this would have happened."

June squeezed her hand, a little sternly. "You couldn't have known that he would find me so boring he would do something like that. I think – I think he was out to it the whole time, and that the pills were what encouraged him to, you know, do what he did. Like the way he sometimes looked at me or touched me and some of the things he said to me... I thought I was imagining things; maybe I just lacked experience with boys, but looking back now..."

A silence fell – which was a rarity when Jordy was around. June didn't know what more to say, what they should talk about. She wanted to know if her friend was still blaming Juan, but deep down she already knew the answer. The fact that Rodey was out of intensive care, didn't change the fact that it still had happened.

"Do you think you'll be ever able to forgive him?" she asked quietly. Squeezing the pillow, she waited for an answer. "He wasn't the one who stabbed him, but he was still there."

"I think he loves you, June," Jordy said.

Her words caught her by surprise, making her look up with wide eyes.

"Beth got it in her head that he thinks he owns you, but we both know that isn't true. He's way to sweet to consider you as his property. I think... he finds you more than an interesting girl alone. I think he loves you and when he saw you struggling, it hit him really hard, especially since Rodey was touching you when you didn't want him to. It hurt him a lot I think. And I can't – I can't blame someone for loving you, June. Sometimes love can make us do stupid things. And I'm not surprised that he couldn't stop his brother, I don't think anyone would be able to stop him if he really wanted to hurt someone. To be honest, I'm just angry with my cousin for thinking he could pull a trick like that while he _knew_ that Juan liked you and that his brother was around. He should have known how this would end for him. Mateo isn't exactly known to be an angel."

 _Mateo..._ it felt like he was the root of every problem.

"I asked him to talk with his brother," June said after a while. "About Katie. It feels like he's deaf to everything that is said about his brother. Like, I get it, it's not like he has anyone else." She sighed deeply. "He cried today, Jor, when I told him what Beth said about his brother. He looked so broken at the thought that his brother could be a rapist..."

"I can relate a little bit to how he's feeling," Jordy muttered. "Now I have to live with the fact that my cousin groped my best friend." She squeezed June's hand again. "So he hadn't heard all the gossip around Mateo. That's something good right? It means that he can't agree with that kind of behavior, like Beth claimed cause he didn't even know! But, imagine if his brother confesses what he did... then he's gonna need you, June. If he was brave enough to cry around you, and if he really opened up so much to you... then you can't abandon him. Maybe... maybe you should ask him if he already has had that conversation."

June hesitated, then she nodded. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and typed: _Hey, Rodey's out of the ICU and his life is no longer in danger. Have you already talked to your brother? Let me know if you need someone to talk to or if you just want a hug or something? x J._

It didn't take long before she got an answer. _I'm really relieved to hear that! Yea I talked to Mateo. I believe he was honest and that things didn't go like Beth thinks they went. We can talk about it Monday, okay?_

 _June smiled as she read it, looking forward to the upcoming week as her phone buzzed again. And I'd always want a hug from you. :$_

The last message made her smile and with a blush that was similar to the emoji he had sent her, she let Jordy read the text.

"He's such a cutie." Jordy rested her head on June's shoulder. "It almost makes me jealous. I wish there was someone who was so head over heels for me."

"You're amazing, Jor. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before it happens to you. For me uh, this was all so unexpected."

A hint of a smile danced around Jordy's lips. "I can't believe I haven't asked yet! Tell me everything about last night! You two kissed, huh?"

June sighed softly at that beautiful memory. "He was so sweet. After he brought me home, we went to the park and then – then he told me that he had seen me sitting in this park a year ago, when I was drawing, and that he'd been staring for minutes at me and that... that was the moment he realized that he had a crush on me." Just like yesterday, her cheeks started to glow. "And then we danced, with your MP3, closer and closer and then... then I told him that I was falling in love with him and he said the same and then he asked me if he could kiss me." She started to ramble and peeked at Jordy, her friend's face had a smile on it from ear to ear.

"And? How was the kiss?"

June closed her eyes, thinking back to the moment. "Well, I was super nervous and he was too, and when our teeth bumped I panicked. But he was so sweet, he took me to the bench because my legs were shaking and then we tried again. And then – well then it was really, really nice," she whispered. Unconsciously, her tongue glided across the inside of her lip, as if she could still feel his touch. "And then... then there was more dancing and talking and cuddling. And kissing."

"Oh Junie..." Jordy wrapped her arms around her and pressed her cheek against hers. "I'm so happy for you, sweetie. You two are just made for each other. Don't let him go, girl. Whatever shitty things his brother has done, whatever Beth thinks of him... what you feel for each other is pure and you really have to cherish it."

A tear itched in the corner of her eye. It felt like she had been craving to hear those words all day long.


	29. Being Late

_(Edited)_

THE PAST

Every Sunday Juan met his friends at _El Toro;_ every Sunday Juan found himself staring dreamily at the Harleys that were parked next to the entrance. Although he knew his friends were swept off their feet by lowriders and muscle cars, his heart always started to beat just a little faster at the sight of such a powerful motorcycle. Riley's cousin would take him for a ride outside the city every now and then and those memories were some of the best he had gathered over the past fifteen – almost sixteen – years.

After he finished his cigarette – his excuse to stay outside a little longer – he tore his glance away from the vehicles and entered the pool hall. Immediately, his eyes were drawn to the bar were some bikers were talking loudly with each other. One of them winked as he caught Juan's stare and Juan felt a blush spreading across his cheeks. By now they must have noticed that he didn't give them a wide berth like most people did, that when they caught him staring it was with a look of admiration and curiosity in his eyes rather than fear. With their tattooed arms and leather cuts they radiated authority and the tribal-like logo on their backs gave off the impression of togetherness. A brotherhood, that's what they were. He nodded to the group of men before he diverted his glance away from them and focused it on the far corner of the hall where his friends were sitting in a booth.

"Dude, thought you were dead or somethin'," Emilio said as they hugged each other. "I called you like ten times."

Juan lifted the corner of his mouth. "Just building the suspense man. Wanted to hear your story live."

After the last text he had received from June yesterday, he was hopeful for them which made the thought of listening to his friend telling him his own success story feel a lot less annoying than before. After greeting the others in their group – there were six – he shoved into the wooden bench next to Emilio.

"You wanna hear the story live?" With a groan, Riley dropped her head on the table. "E's speaking time is over man. Don't need to hear _again_ how hard he came when they were doin' it doggy style. I swear he was just about to whip out his dick and give us a play by play for every position they tried."

"Can still do that if you want," Emilio smirked, unbuttoning his pants until the girl kicked his leg.

"I've already seen it once. Was really not worth repeatin'."

"Hey man, I was thirteen. Lemme show you how much I've grown since then." He winked.

Grinning, Juan shook his head at the memory. Back in the 7th grade, Emilio had gotten into a habit of sneaking into the girl's locker room to spy on the girls as they showered. After Riley had caught him, she decided payback was in order and casually walked into the boy's showers a week later to show him how it felt to be watched. Standing under that cold jet, there hadn't been much his friend could brag about.

"I'd sure as hell hope so. I'm not buying whatever sex story you're tellin' me otherwise." Rolling her eyes, she looked at Juan. "Where'd you go on Friday? You left the prom fuckin' early man."

Faking indifference, he shrugged his shoulders. "Had to bring a girl home and ended up chillin' for some time."

"Oh?" She raised her eyebrows. "Who?"

"You don't know her."

"Then why not tell me her name?"

Juan hesitated. Soon everyone was going to know about his feelings for June, but he wasn't sure he was ready to tell everyone, he still wanted to keep it to himself.

"Holy shit, were you with June?" Emilio blurted out before Juan could decide if he wanted the others to know about her. "Dude, you never tell me anythin' lately! Was she as boring in bed as I told you she was gonna be? No wonder you kept your mouth shut."

"I didn't sleep with her," he muttered. "We just talked and stuff."

"Stuff like what? C'mon dude, stop bein' so vague! What did you do? Touch her tits? French 'er?"

Although he was used to Emilio talking about girls like that, it still caused an annoyed frown to appear on his face now. "We just talked, danced..."

"You _danced?_ Boring… even I would want to do other things with her." He showed a wolfish grin. "Unless you were doin' the horizontal mambo."

"Shut your mouth for once, E," Riley cut him off. "Not everyone's a dickhead like you."

The others started laughing, Emilio wrinkled his nose making a face at the girl.

"June, isn't that Jordy's friend?" Riley asked.

Suddenly nervous, Juan scratched his neck. He hadn't expected that anyone but Emilio would know her, but Jordy was one of the few girls Riley talked to now and then. "Yea," he muttered.

She smiled. "Do you like her?"

"I guess."

"You _guess_?" Next to him, Emilio started to laugh. "Dude's got an enormous crush on her. It's fuckin' hilarious."

"You're the ridiculous one here, and you're annoyin' as hell. Go get us some drinks." Riley pushed him to the right so he almost fell off the bench. Rolling his eyes, Emilio stood up and walked to the bar, where he started talking to Riley's uncle, who owned the place.

Riley took Emilio's seat and ran a hand across her dark, boyish hair. "That idiot is always such a big talker after a hot night that I'm sure he makes up half of his stories." Tapping her fingers on the table, she looked intensely at him again. "So... does June like you too?"

His eyes shot to the other side of the table. Two of his friends were staring at the screen watching the football game, one was on his phone but the last one started to whistle a teasing tone before taking a sip of his coke, smirking.

Juan shoved his embarrassment to the side and nodded as confident as he could. "Yep."

Riley's lips curled into a friendly smile. "Congrats man! So do you just wanna bang her or something? Or will you be the first one of us with a girlfriend?"

He shrugged. "We'll see how it plays out."

Emilio stood over him as he put the tray with the drinks on the table. After that, he laid his hands on Juan's shoulders and squeezed. "Now I don't want to miss all the fun, bro. What happened after, did you take her home?"

"No man nothing like that, I brought her home from prom and we walked to the park and chatted and kissed a bit, that's it. Left her on the front step."

However romantic it might have been – he knew better than to share the details with his friends.

With a smirk, Emilio wiggled his way between them, ending up half on Riley's lap, who shoved at his back until she managed to get away from him.

"Was she good? Bet you were her first, huh?"

"Didn't feel that way." He didn't even have to feign his grin. "She absolutely knew what she was doin'."

Emilio smirked back, throwing an arm around him. "Riggght man. Well I gotta admit that I wouldn't mind givin' her a go if she'd be wearing a dress more often." His eyebrows moved up and down. "We finally know what she was hiding under all that baggy shit." He turned his head to the side, to Riley. "Coulda asked you too. Bet you've seen her naked after gym class."

"Uh-uh. Wouldn't have told you anyway though, perve. She's a shy girl, eh. But she seems like a sweetheart, I think." She winked at Juan.

"A sweetheart," Emilio huffed. "What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Melany however..."

Riley stood up. "Gonna puke if I hear that name one more time. Come on guys, let's play pool," she said to some of the others.

Juan kept sitting as the other boys stood up, deciding to be the good friend and listen to whatever Emilio had been dying to tell him for the past two days.

* * *

At the crack of dawn, his nerves started to pile up. Today he would see June again, the prospect of which made him glow from top to toe. He didn't know how to act around her now – things had been really awkward on Saturday. Obviously, he hadn't told his friends anything about that, so he hoped they wouldn't noticed that things hadn't gone as smooth as he had claimed.

He went a little earlier to school than he usually did – after giving Emilio a poor excuse why he wanted to go alone – and hung out around the lockers until she showed up.

With her friends.

Immediately, he felt insecure. To his surprise though, Jordy was smiling at him – not as brightly as she usually did, rather it was a bit sad, but it was still a smile. Her locker was close to his and so gathering his courage, he walked towards her.

"Hey. Um, look, I'm sorry about your cousin," he said quietly. Now that June had already told her what had happened, it seemed a little easier to apologize. "Things got way out of hand. I just wanted to give 'em a good beat down, that's all."

"June told me," she answered softly. "But thank you for telling me this in person too, Juan." She held his glance for a while. "And thank you for taking care of June that night. She really enjoyed the evening with you."

A warm glow spread across his face and his eyes shot down the hallway, until they found her kneeling in front of her locker.

"Think I should be the one thanking you," he muttered. "For the music. It uh – it really helped."

With a smile she closed her locker, looking over her shoulder. "You can go see her now if you want. I'll keep Beth busy. She uh – she's isn't your biggest fan."

Yeah, he knew that. Hopefully he could make her change her mind one day. He waited a few seconds until Jordy had walked to her black-haired friend and they disappeared around a corner. As June watched them leave, confusion written all over her face, he hurried towards her. Awkwardly he cleared his throat. "Uh, hey."

When she turned her face towards him, he didn't know what to do and on a whim he gave her a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth. Heat spread across his face and he saw it happened to her as well.

"Sorry," he muttered as he realized it might not have been the best idea to do that in the middle of the hallway. He didn't mind that much, but maybe she did. "I uh, I'm just really happy to see you." His face felt so hot that he had to suppress the urge to take a bottle of water from his backpack. "How uh, how was the rest of your weekend?" he asked quickly, hoping a simple conversation would make her feel more comfortable around him.

She looked a little lost, staring in the direction in which her friends had disappeared. Only Shawna was still at her locker, changing her books so painfully slow that she had to be doing it on purpose.

"It was okay," she said quietly. "Nothing special." She clutched her hand around her upper arm. "How was yours?"

"Yesterday I was able to hang out with the guys, at _El Torro._ It's a pool hall. You uh – you could come with me some day, if you want?" He bit his lip. No, that was just a horrible idea. She would probably feel super awkward around his friends. "Well, not when they're there," he added quickly. "Maybe just Riley. Jordy could come too?" He looked hopefully at her, but she was avoiding his glance. _She wants to know what happened to Katie first,_ he realized. "Umm, well, so I talked to Mateo about Katie and he thought that you could have a coffee with one of her friends. So you can ask her what happened. Cause he was thinking that you would trust their words more than his. And uh, maybe Beth could go with you. So she'll know the truth too. Mateo can set it up, he told me." Juan was silent for a moment, giving her some room to answer. Nervously his hands slipped inside his pockets, before he started to fidget with something. However, only after two seconds the silence was already too much for him and he continued: "Would you – would you like that? We thought… I thought, that you might like that more. I know you're not a fan of my brother so…"

Before she could answer, the buzzer sounded. Fright flashed across her face; being late was out of the ordinary for her. Quickly she picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. The halls were almost empty now, even Shawna had left.

Skittishly, she looked at him. "We have the same class first period, right?"

He nodded and pushed himself away from the lockers. At a quick pace they walked to the classroom – of course it was the one that was the furthest away.

"I think it's a good idea," she said after a while. "Although, I am a bit nervous since I don't know the girl."

"I can stay with you, if you want," he said as they climbed the stairs. "But if Beth's around, that might not be the best idea."

"No," she muttered, sighing. "But it's nice that your brother is willing to do this for me."

They neared the classroom, the door was already closed, nervously June pulled at her shirt.

Juan laid a hand against her lower back. "You won't end up with detention if you're late for just one time," he winked. "Wait, swing an arm around me."

A little blindsided she looked at him.

A grin crossed his lips. "Come on, trust me." He moved his arm to her shoulder and started to limp. "We'll just tell 'em that I fell and that you were nice enough to help me upstairs. No way they will punish you for that."

Hesitating, her arm slid around him.

Chuckling, he limped to the door. "This is kinda romantic, don't ya think? Being late together?"

She laughed softly and he felt how she held him a little tighter. Hearing her laugh made him want to lean down and kiss her, but he ignored that raging desire and concentrated at the door they were heading for.

"You have to stop grinning," she whispered, her voice tensed but with a light undertone. "Otherwise they will never believe you."

He chuckled and he couldn't stop himself from giving her a kiss on her temple. "You're probably right. I'll try to pretend it's anyone but you who's holding me so close."


	30. A Mess

_**(** **Edited** **)**_

THE PAST

Nervously, June folded her hands together. She had been dreading this moment for two days now. It would be such a relief once the meeting was over!

A little clumsily Juan wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her to his side. It was undoubtedly supposed to make her feel more relaxed, but all it did was show her how nervous he was too.

"I'm sure everything will be alright," he said softly. "I'll be waiting for you in the car. Hopefully this whole thing is just a misunderstanding and will be solved after this. Beth will have to realize that her sister was spreading lies, which means that her hatred for my family isn't really fair. I mean Mateo will be a lost cause but she wouldn't be able to be mad if you – if you... want to be with me," he mumbled.

As June saw the blush painting his cheeks she wanted to assure him that there was nothing she wanted more than being with him, but she was too nervous.

"Maybe uh, maybe it would be better if you go," she muttered in the end. Beth was still angry with her, these past two days she had made a point of eating her lunch at a different table; moving if June showed up. Trying to get on Beth's good side, June had kept her contact with Juan to a minimum. After they had gotten to class late, they hadn't talked face to face until a few minutes ago. They had only sent a few texts during the week, all concerning this meeting. Still she was grateful that he had come and that he would wait for her afterwards. It was nice to know someone would be there just in case things went really ugly with Beth. June hadn't the slightest idea of how her friend would react. She hadn't prepared her for what she would be walking into, this afternoon she had just asked her if she wanted to grab a coffee after school, which was where she was now. Beth probably thought that she wanted to apologize, she had agreed to come but June had lacked the courage to tell her one of Katie's friends would be joining them when she saw the dark look on her friend's face.

"Uh yeah," Juan muttered. "She might be early." He took a deep breath.

June didn't actually want him to leave, it felt nice to have him around and that he had even put his arm around her. She decided to show him that she really did appreciate what he was doing for her. She went to kiss his cheek; but right before her lips touched his skin, he turned his head to the side, allowing her mouth to ended up on his. It hadn't been since Friday that she had touched him like this and her lips started to tingle.

Startled, she pulled back her head. Her cheeks got hot, and the look in his eyes told her he hadn't counted on a kiss either. He gave her a shy smile and she felt a paralyzing feeling travel through her legs.

"Sorry," she murmured, "I just wanted to kiss your cheek. I didn't mean to..." She bit her lip.

His hand trailed across her side, before it slid back to her hip. The gentle caress made her toes curl, his touch always felt so intense.

"You can always kiss me. Accidentally or on purpose," he said, a small grin crossing his lips. "Whenever and wherever you want." He gave her a wink, making her glow from head to toe. Right now she wanted nothing more than to forget about the situation with Beth and leave with him; finding a place where they could cuddle and kiss like last Friday.

She bit her lip at the thought. He would probably want that too – despite the words he had just spoken, it was still hard to believe that he felt the same way about her as she felt about him.

After a meaningful glance he drew her in closer, before he pulled back his arm. "Well, I should go. I'm just around the corner, remember that."

She nodded. He gave her the impression that he thought things were going to get really out of hand, which made her nervous. It was just a talk – it wasn't like she was unsafe. Juan however, acted like Beth could turn into a manic gorilla any moment. But maybe he was right; it wouldn't be the first time that Beth yelled at her and it felt nice to know that there was someone around who wanted to be there in case she needed help.

"Thank you Juan, for all of this." She took a look into those beautiful dark eyes of his. She wanted to say more, but she didn't know how – any other words just seemed to get stuck in her throat and so in the end she didn't add another word. Bouncing on the balls of his feet he gave her a thumbs up with both hands as if gearing them both up for what was to come, flashed her an encouraging smile and left the coffee shop.

June turned away from the window and sat down in the nearest booth waiting for her friend to arrive.

* * *

June waved a bit awkwardly at Beth as she entered the coffee shop. Beth kept a straight face as she walked to June and sat down across from her.

"Um hey! Do you want something to drink?" June asked.

Beth raised an eyebrow. "What are we doing here?"

June felt her hands getting clammy. "I uh, I just wanted to talk. It's obvious that you're mad at me and I can't just ignore that."

"I haven't got much to say to you. Not until you dump him, unless that's why we're here?" Beth asked with an expectant look upon her face.

June sighed. "I've never been in love before, Beth, and I know that the feeling is mutual! I can't just throw that away! How is it fair that just because his brother hurt your sister years ago, I need to be the one to suffer from a broken heart?!"

Beth shook her head. "Unbelievable. This is just... unbelievable! You're really using that excuse again? That guy stabbed Jordy's _cousin_! He's insane! Just like his brother!"

"That wasn't Juan," she answered in a soft but firm tone, trying to keep their conversation quiet before everyone would start looking at them. "He tried to stop Mateo."

"Yeah right," Beth huffed. "You really believe that?"

"I do."

Fed up with the conversation Beth stood up. Quickly, June grabbed her hand.

"Please don't leave..." she said quietly.

"Why shouldn't I? I'm not going to be friends with someone who's fucking Mateo's little brother. He walks around in the same house as my sister's rapist, pretending that's the most normal thing in the world!"

Her harsh words made June flinch. Still, she didn't let go of her hand. "Please – Just stay a little longer," she said on a small voice. "Maybe... maybe things didn't go like you think they went. With Mateo and Katie."

Beth narrowed her eyes. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Nervously, June breathed out as the door to the café opened and a woman who looked like she was in her early 20's entered and began looking around. A little awkwardly June raised her hand to attract her attention, even though there was nobody else near their age in the place.

Wildly, Beth looked over her shoulder. Her fingers tensed underneath June's hand. "What the _fuck_ is this, June? What the hell is she doing here!"

"I – I just wanted to talk," June said quietly. "She was a good friend of your sister's. She can tell us what happened between Mateo and Katie."

"I _know_ what happened between them!" She tore her hand away from June's.

"But don't you have questions? Come on, Beth..." June looked at her with pleading eyes. "Stay for me. Please. This is really important to me, I have to know exactly what Mateo has done before I can decide if I'm going to give up Juan. You were only twelve, Beth. Maybe it will be good to hear the story once more, so that you can make peace with it."

The look in Beth's eyes was so intense that for a moment June was afraid she would ignore her and leave, but in the end she sat down again, sighing. "I'm not saying that I will stay," she grunted.

June however was already relieved that she wanted to give it a shot and she nodded. She offered Katie's friend a hesitant smile as she held out her hand.

"Hey, I'm Iris."

"June. Thanks for coming."

Iris turned towards Beth. "Hey Beth, it's been a long time!"

Beth barely looked at Iris while shaking her hand. Her harsh expression disappeared and suddenly she looked young and fragile. The sight of it convinced June of how badly she had dealt with the loss. It was clearly a shock for her to see her sister's friend after all these years.

A waitress came towards them to take their orders, June asking for a hot chocolate while Iris got a coffee, Beth keeping true to her threat of leaving refrained from getting a drink. As the waitress left, June turned her curious gaze to Iris. She was a very pretty girl, with a sweet a face, friendly eyes and angelic blonde hair.

"I heard you have some questions," she said in a calm voice, looking from June to Beth and back.

Beth pointed to the other side of the table. "She tricked me into this."

June felt the nerves swirling through her stomach again. The girl looked like someone with an open mind; someone honest, trustworthy. What if she repeated Beth's story? What if she claimed that Mateo really was a rapist? Maybe he had helped set all this up as some sort of sick joke.

In an attempt to distract herself, she cleared her throat. "I eh, I'm a sort of... dating with Juan Carlos. Ortiz," she added with a blush on her cheeks. "But the history between Katie and Mateo makes it a bit difficult. Because – because I'm not sure what he actually did." She bit her lip; she found it difficult to show how vulnerable she felt. "So... I was hoping that you could tell me more about... them. Since you were Katie's friend."

Iris nodded with a sad smile and took her cup of coffee from the waitress; June also took the drink she had ordered.

"I had known for quite some time that Katie had a crush on Mateo," Iris started. "He flirted with her – well, he actually flirted with any pretty girl who had at least a C-cup, but Katie was very eager for the little bit of attention boys would give her. One day she told me that Mateo had asked her out; she was so excited. She told me about the date after she said that he had offered to help her to make some videos. She wanted to become an actress and he had told her that she needed to practice more on camera. I asked her what kind of videos they were going to make, but she just laughed about it but didn't give any details."

June looked across the table. Beth had her head bent, her hands were folded tightly in her lap.

"I didn't like that she had started keeping things from me; it gave me a bad feeling about it all and I told her that she had to be really careful around him. She was a really vulnerable girl, with no experience with boys," she explained, "her parents had always been a little difficult when it came to boys. Anyway, after she refused to tell me what kinds of videos they were making, I got suspicious but it took months before I discovered that I was right."

June fidgeted with the pendant around her neck. She was talking about the sex videos that were put on the school's website.

"Katie fell in love with him though. For real." She sighed. "He didn't feel the same about her, though. It was just a fun casual thing for him, he just wanted sex, like I had told her. A few months after they got together she discovered that she was pregnant, she was terrified but so excited to have his baby. But she told him… he dumped her; told her to get rid of it. She refused..." Sighing, Iris raked a hand through her hair, peeking at Beth, who was still staring at the table.

June swallowed. Had she known all this? How on earth could this story turn into one of rape, to Katie being drugged?

"She came to me, completely panicked… told me that she didn't know what to do. She couldn't do it on her own. I promised her that her friends, that I, would help her, that we would help her go through with it. But her heart had already been broken; all she wanted was the support of the father of her child. So she kept pushing him, but he didn't want her back. She was fifteen and pregnant. " She shook her head, biting her lip. "He had made all of these promises, she told me, but really he had played her – the promises meant nothing to him. Something I had warned her about since the beginning, but she refused to listen to me back then. Mateo and her never went public, so not many people knew they had anything going on. When she started to show and people found out she was pregnant, the whole school started whispering about her, staring when she walked down the halls; it was horrible and she panicked. She told everyone that she had been raped, that it was Mateo who had done it and he had knocked her about a bit threatening to hurt her more if she went and told anyone. The next day, everyone was whispering about all these so-called things Mateo had done. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't ever a saint, but still... It was a punch to the gut for a fifteen year old boy to be accused of those things. A few weeks later the gossip still hadn't died down and one of his friends – or maybe he did it himself, I don't know – hacked into the school's website and uploaded a few videos onto it. Soon everyone knew that Katie had lied about the rapes and her relationship with Mateo." Sighing, she shook her head once. "The backlash was enormous, on top of it all this was around the same time Katie's parents became involved in everything. She just completely shut down, none of us were able to talk to her and then you both know what happened a few days later."

There was a tense silence. June blew on her hot chocolate. The whipped cream had already melted. Her fingers were trembling while she thought about everything that was said.

Mateo wasn't a rapist.

He had probably manipulated her, had taken advantage of her feelings for him, but he had never drugged her, never threatened her, never raped her.

Sipping from the warm drink, she looked at the other side of the table. Beth's gaze was still downcast. Her shoulders were tensed.

"Does that help? Do you have any other questions?" Iris asked, sounding somewhat insecure.

"Just one." Beth looked up. Her gaze focused on Iris'. "Did you sleep with him?"

"W-what?" A blush crept to her cheeks.

"It isn't a difficult question really. Did you fuck him? Sometime during the past few months, possibly?"

Her red cheeks gave away the answer. "I – I fail to see what that's got to do with this."

Beth snorted. "It got everything to do with this. Mateo just sent us his little fucking whore. Why should I believe a word of what you said? What is he going to give you as a reward for a job well done?"

Iris' face tensed. "I told you nothing but the truth, Beth. You can keep telling yourself that he is a rapist, but that doesn't turn the lie into truth. He didn't deal with Katie in a nice way, and you can call him an asshole if you want, but people had warned her. He might have been the noose around her neck, but her own lies pushed her off of the stool she was standing on."

Beth's knuckles started to turn pale. "I've heard enough," she said in a dark tone. "Leave."

Hesitating, Iris looked at June, who neither knew what to do. Contrary to Beth, she did believe that the girl had spoken the truth. The fact that she was sharing her bed with Mateo was irrelevant.

June gave her a nod, and Iris stood up with a sigh.

"Thank you," June said sincerely. She didn't dare to tell her that her explanation had been very illuminating for her, but she still tried to transfer her gratitude with the look in her eyes.

When Iris went for her wallet, June waved her off, she would pay for the coffee. A little awkwardly they looked at each other; then Iris turned and made her way out of the coffee shop.

As soon as the door was closed, Beth started to cry.

Startled, June stared at her – she had never seen her friend cry. Quickly she stood up, pulled her chair next to Beth's and wrapped her arms around her. Beth's shoulders were shaking.

"How could you do this to me, June," Beth sniffed. "Have you any idea how hard that was for me? How I feel every day when I walk past that empty room, to have dinner next to her empty chair over and over again?" She wiped her eyes and took a few deep breaths before she pulled herself away from June's arms.

June bent her head. She thought about the empty spot around her own table, about the bedroom that used to belong to her parents; the one that nobody entered anymore. "Yes, I do," she muttered.

With a jolt, Beth looked up. "You know nothing! Do you have any idea how much it hurts to hear someone spew all those lies about my sister? How it feels to be attacked with the intent of making me doubt the truth? Do you realize the kind of shit you're pulling me through again! With your only purpose being so that you can fuck little Ortiz?! Damn it June, I never thought you could be such a selfish bitch!" June flinched. With tears in her eyes, Beth stared at her. "Can't you see what he's already doing to you? How he's already playing with you? How he's already drawing you away from your friends, it's just like his brother did to my sister! Hell that's probably where he learned it! You really want to believe Iris so badly that you can't even see it – _you_ are Katie in this story. The fact that you are ignoring the warnings your friends are giving you… that makes you just as blind as she was!"

June felt tears sting her eyes. Was Beth right? Was she being a selfish bitch by opening this can of worms, only so she could justify being with Juan? She saw how broken her friend was, how torn she was underneath that harsh exterior.

"Sorry," she said softly. "I – I never thought this would hurt you so much."

"Then what _did_ you expect? Did you think I would just nod and give Juan my blessing?"

June dropped her eyes. That was at least what she had hoped.

"You disgust me, June. You're letting me down for a boy. I really thought our friendship meant more to you."

June's bottom lip started to tremble. "I – I'm not letting you down, Beth. I was just trying to –"

"Those are just pretty words! They never correspond to your actions! How are you not letting me down? Show me! Show me that you care about me, that you are there for me. It's an unwritten rule in _every_ friendship June. Boys should never come between our friendships!"

Frustrated, June's fingers clawed through her hair. "But you're acting like Mateo is the one that I'm in love with! Juan isn't his brother, he has nothing to do with what happened to your sister!"

"That's not the point," Beth answered through gritted teeth. "You're choosing a boy over me. You are the definition of a terrible friend, June. I'm sitting here in tears. I have just relived the worst trauma in my life and all you can think about is that stupid asshole! It's all about you! How you feel, what you want and how you can justify your actions to keep yourself from feeling like a horrible friend!"

Tears rolled down June's cheeks too now. "That isn't true! I thought – I thought this would help you..."

Beth eyes bore into June's. "No, you thought that I would change my mind. That all of a sudden I would be fine with you banging Mateo's twisted little brother after hearing this story! Why cant you see that Mateo just whispered more of his lies in our ears! _That's_ what all this is about June; it's all because you want to fuck that idiot! It's all about your own pleasure! Whichever version may be true, whatever the lies might be, it still doesn't change a damn thing about the fact that my sister would still have been alive if that asshole had kept his hands off her!"

June squeezed her eyes as Beth's voice echoed through the cafe. Sobbing, she bent her head. She didn't know what to think anymore, what to do. Was Beth right? Was she being completely self-absorbed? Was she a terrible friend? A terrible person?

Chair legs scraped across the floor. Through her tears, she saw that Beth shoved backwards and stood up.

"You have to decide for yourself what you find more important, June. A friend who's been there for you, or this new toy of yours. Let me know what's more important; this fleeting love sickness or supporting a friend who's going through hell and needs you." Beth turned around.

Defeated, June stared forward. A nagging pain spreading through her chest. Despite the fact that Jordy had told her that she shouldn't let Juan go, despite her mother's words that she had to choose her own happiness, she couldn't abandon her friend. She wouldn't be able to live with herself; embracing her own happiness, while knowing her friend was so broken and needed her more than she had ever shown before.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "You're right, my feelings for Juan are just taking over my brain. I want – I want to be a better friend."

Beth turned around again, she was holding her jacket in her hand. "I'll believe it when I see it," she huffed. "But know this: once you lose one friend, there's nothing stopping the others from following too once they see how easily you are able to ditch them when they're having a hard time."

After these words, she rushed out of the cafe. The pain in June's chest spread to her stomach and she breathed in sharply as her anxiety skyrocketed.

She had hurt Beth so deeply – and now she had to hurt Juan too. What in the world was she doing?! She was only trying to make everything better, now it was just a mess.


	31. Over

( _Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

Nervously, Juan focused on the entrance, it had been a while since Iris had left and Beth was just on her way out as well but June didn't follow behind her. Did something go wrong?

As soon as Beth disappeared from sight, he left the car. His mouth felt dry, he had no idea why he suddenly felt so nervous. Slowly he let the door close behind him as he entered the coffee shop. He spotted her instantly. She was sitting at one of the farthest tables; her elbows leaning on the table and her face hidden behind her hands. Her shoulders were shaking. Juan quickened his pace, his heart squeezing tighter in his chest with every step he took. Seeing her cry... that was the last thing he had wanted from today.

Once he reached the table, he knelt beside her and laid a hand on her knee.

"Baby... what happened?" He had wanted to sound calm, but his voice was shaking, his nervousness clearly showing. Maybe it wasn't the best time to use a nickname, what if she took it the wrong way?

She looked to the side, her eyes filled with tears. Juan stood up again, holding out his arm. For a few seconds she stared at him, hesitating; then she stood up and grasped him firmly. As she buried her face against his chest, he dipped his head to kiss her hair, his arms tightening around her.

He liked the feeling of her in his arms so much that he felt a little guilty. Now her scent was surrounding him as he held her in the intimate embrace, nothing else seemed to matter. June's sniffing however quickly brought him back to the delicate situation. He glanced around, noticing that various people were looking at them. When the waitress approached to put a glass of water on the table, he leaned towards her and asked for the bill.

When the receipt was handed to him, he reached for his wallet. With his hands on her back he took the money out and laid it on the table.

Brushing his hand across the back of her head, he coaxed her face upwards. Quietly he said her name so she looked up, as her eyes locked on his, he used his thumb and brushed her tears away.

"Take a few sips and then we go, okay? Then we'll find a quiet place where you can tell me what happened."

Her bottom lip was trembling as she nodded. The look in her eyes was skittish and he wondered what the hell Beth had said to her.

On their way outside his hand slipped into hers. He squeezed, but she didn't return the gesture. Worried, he looked at her from of the corner of his eyes. Her cheeks were pale and her gaze was focused on the ground.

They didn't speak as they left the crowded street. Juan knew of a playground not far from where they were so he steered them in that direction. He sat down on a swing once they arrived, pulling her sideways across his lap. With one hand he held her waist, with the other he rubbed her back.

For a while he waited hoping that she would talk, but when she didn't he tried to figure out what had happened. "What did Iris tell you?"

Although he trusted his brother, a part of him was still afraid that he was being too naïve. The question however seemed to help June put her thoughts in order. She snuggled into him, her thumb absently stroking his knuckles.

"She told us that Katie had fallen for Mateo. That she had been warned that he only wanted her for the sex but she didn't listen. She wanted more from him, but he only wanted to have some fun, and then in the end when she got pregnant, he dumped her. She was so embarrassed and desperate, so she tried to cover up what had happened and started to spread lies about Mateo."

Relieved, Juan took a deep breath. This version differed a little from what his brother had said, but in general the story was the same.

"Do you believe her?" he asked softly.

"I did..." she muttered, wiping her eyes.

"But Beth didn't," he understood.

"No, she didn't." She heaved a deep sigh. "The first thing she asked Iris after she finished was if she'd been sleeping with Mateo. When she started to blush, Beth got angry. First at Iris, then at me." June bit her lip. "As soon as Iris was gone, Beth started to cry. Her pain is still so deep Juan... It scared me to see her break like that, she always looks so... tough."

"I get it," Juan muttered. There were only a few people he trusted enough to be able to show them how he really felt. "Everyone still sees her as Beth's little sister, so she's always being reminded of her death."

Since Mateo was his brother, he knew all too well how it felt having people gossip about your family. Pretending that he didn't care about what they said had always been the easiest solution; he assumed Beth had done the same, but then only a few days ago he had broken down in front of June.

"She doesn't want to be friends anymore if I get together with you," she muttered. "She wants me to prove that our friendship means more to me than my... feelings for you."

A pang went through his chest. It made him furious that Beth was forcing her to choose between them. "That's bullshit! The fact that she is asking for proof from you, already shows that the friendship between you two isn't what it should be."

June sighed so deeply that goosebumps spread across his arms. "She was so hurt, Juan. I can't... I can't abandon her now. I – I'm sorry."

Almost a minute passed before her words really dawned on him. She was going to end this. Him and her. Before it even had a chance to really get started.

His grasp around her waist tightened automatically. "Are you serious?!" He couldn't help it that his voice sounded annoyed.

"She is my friend, Juan. We've been close for two years..."

"A real friend doesn't tell you what guys you can and can't like." June dropped her eyes. He however didn't regret what he said – his words were true. "Katie spread lies about my brother, ones that made the whole school think he was a rapist! Even now, three years later, that lie is still going around – because of Beth!" His voice cracked. "And now, it isn't just my brother who's suffered from it; that stupid lie is now going after us too! We both know how much we like each other and every minute I spend with you, my feelings are growing stronger. I don't wanna give this up now! I finally got my chance with you June; I don't want it to be tossed away because of that stupid bitch! She has no right to tell you what to do!"

Her eyes were still aimed at the ground. "But she has no one else..."

"Of course not! She treats everyone this way, only they don't put up with it..."

June rubbed her eyes. "I understand you, Juan, I really do. But you didn't see how broken she was, how badly she needs a friend right now."

"Well clearly she's only needed you since I came into your life, if she didn't pull this kind of shit before. I never did anything to that stupid cunt, man! This is just ridiculous!" He felt how June tensed as his volume increased, but he didn't apologize. He wasn't ashamed of his feelings. He was sick of everyone continuously threatening to mess things up for them; first Mateo and now Beth.

"She just hates you because of your brother," she muttered. "She still blames him for her sister's death."

"But you know the truth! Why should you care what your friend thinks of me? You think Emilio is singin' you praises? Guess what; he doesn't. He doesn't get what I see in you but I don't give a fuck. It's not his fucking relationship. I like you, you like me and it's no one else's fuckin' business."

June stood up. As soon as her weight disappeared from his legs, he knew they were done. She wrapped her arms around herself and turned away from him.

Juan wanted to stand up and pull her back to him, but the frustration kept him chained to the swing, so he lit a cigarette and waited.

Half of it was burnt by the time June started to talk again. "Maybe... maybe we should give her some more time. Try it again after the summer break."

"And then what?" he scoffed. "You really think that would change a damn thing? That chick hates me; now, next year, probably her whole life. Should I just spend my life waiting for her to stop hating me so that you'll give me a chance?"

She bent her head. "No," she muttered. "I don't want to string you along. You – I'm sure you'll fall in love with someone else."

Juan stood up, dropped the but of his cigarette and came to stand across from her. "I don't want someone else, June. For more than a year you've been the only one I can think about. I – I..." He breathed in sharply. Almost he had told her that he loved her, but just in time he remembered his brother's warning. It would only scare her – and it sounded fucking desperate.

Even though he _was_ fucking desperate.

He didn't want to lose her – and certainly not because of Beth.

"Then what should I do?" she asked quietly. "I have to choose between you both. And right now… Beth... Beth needs me the most."

Frustrated, he ran a hand across his head. "Is that the only thing that's important to you? Who needs you the most? What do _you_ want, June? What makes _you_ happy? I want to make you happy. Will Beth make you happy? Does she care at all about how you feel? This stunt she's pulling makes that pretty clear to me. Why the hell would you give up something you really want, just to make someone else happy who doesn't even wish the same fate for you?"

"Friends are supposed to stick together through thick and thin," she muttered. "If Emilio asked you to choose between me and him, you would choose him too, right?"

"Emilio would never do that. Neither will Jordy – nor Shawna. That's the point June! Those are _real_ friends. They support you, no matter what. They don't give you moronic ultimatums."

"Beth and I aren't that close," June muttered. "That's the whole problem. This," she pointed to him and herself, "is what stands between us to..."

"Man, you really don't wanna see it huh?!" he snapped. "I have never done anything wrong! If things aren't working between you two, then I'm nothing but a lame excuse. Beth is just a crazy bitch, _that's_ the reason she can't get along with someone who is as sweet as you!"

June rubbed her eyes and started to cry again. By now Juan didn't know what to say or do. He was done with this conversation. He was getting really pissed off at June because she wasn't willing to stand up and believe in them. The last thing he wanted was for them to be sitting awkwardly next to each other in his car while he drove her home, but he didn't feel comfortable leaving her here.

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he scrolled through the contact list. Briefly he glanced at Emilio's name, but scrolled past. He would have no sympathy for June and probably say something that would hurt her more. A little surprised he discovered Jordy's number was also in his phone and remembered that they'd been put in the same group for a project last year. He pressed the green button and pressed the device against his ear. It didn't take long before she picked up the phone.

"Jordy here!"

"Hey uhm, it's Juan."

June looked up as she realized that he was calling someone. Her shoulders were hanging down, her eyes wide and watery. Maybe it would be better if he took her home himself? Maybe there was still a chance that he could change her mind. He didn't know if he could control his own feelings though, the anger and powerlessness were still raging through his body.

"Hey!" Jordy's voice dragged him back to the phone call. "You were picking up June after that coffee with Beth, right? Did something go wrong?"

"Yea, that stupid cunt fucked it all up."

"I hope that you're not talking about June now?" she asked with a sharp tone.

Shame spread across his cheeks. "No, of course not." With a sigh, he ran a hand across his hair. "I don't know what to say to her anymore, Jordy. Beth wants June to ditch me and she's listening to her like she's a fucking puppy. We went to this play-ground to talk and it's just fucking awkward. You got time to come pick her up? I'm really not in the mood to make her feel better about this whole thing."

"Shit... Yeah, I'm comin'. Where are you? Can you – can you stay a little longer with her?"

Juan gave her the name of the street and agreed to wait until she was here. Then he lit another cigarette and took a deep drag. "Jordy's comin' to pick you up."

"Okay," she whispered. "Thank you." She looked hurt at by his harsh words, but he did't care. He was hurt too.

Juan pressed his lips together. It all felt so wrong – things could have been so different between them! Hadn't she felt what he felt, last Friday? Didn't she count down the hours until she could see him again, just like he was doing? Why did she want to give this up? Why was she so willing to give him up?

"I – I'm sorry, Juan," she said quietly, sitting down on the other swing.

"Yea right," he huffed. "I was just fuckin' stupid for believin' you wanted to be with someone like me."

She didn't contradict his words, she just kept quiet and that hurt him more than he could ever have imagined. With a grunt he wiped a few tears away. No way he was going to let her see him cry again.

"I just don't get it," he started again when the silence was smashing into him. He just could no longer control his frustration. "You told me that you were falling in love with me. Why – why would you give this up? The night of the prom was one of the best nights of my life – was it really so different for you?"

His eyes shot to the side. Her hands were clenched around the chains of the swing, her hair hanging in front of her face. "It's not that… it's just – this whole situation just sucks."

And that seemed to be the end of it.

"Right," he muttered. The thing with his brother, with Rodey – those had been situations that sucked. This was just... unfair. Unnecessary. Nobody would be happy because of this – she wouldn't, he wouldn't and he really doubted Beth would be either.


	32. Holding On Or Letting Go

**THE PAST**

Juan felt relieved when a car pulled to a stop in front of the playground. Jordy stepped out of the vehicle and June immediately stood up, hugging her friend after she had taken a few steps away from him. For a while the girls talked to each other, voices low enough that Juan wasn't able to understand what was being said; then, as the conversation seemed to come to a close, Jordy surprised him as she turned and headed in his direction. Past her, he could see that June had taken a seat in the car – just like that, without saying goodbye.

"Hey..." Jordy spread her arms. "Come on, everyone feels better after a hug from me!"

Juan snorted and stared at her with a sulky face. Jordy shrugged her shoulders and sat down on the empty swing.

"Give her some time, Juan. June... has always so busy making everyone else happy that she finds it hard to think about her own happiness as well."

"Well she doesn't seem to care about mine."

Jordy heaved a sigh. "She wants you to be happy too, Juan. It's just... she undervalues herself so much... she believes you don't truly like her and that you'll be over her very quickly; that another girl will come along and make you happy in no time. Even if you or I try and say anything different it won't work right now," Jordy added when she saw he wanted to protest. "Her self-confidence... that needs to grow." Jordy took his hand and squeezed. A bit dazed he stared at her bright, yellow nails. "What Beth is asking from her is insane. She's playing on her feelings, she _knows_ how insecure June is." Her voice sounded dark and Juan had to admit that hearing her words filled him with relief. It wasn't just him, he was glad that Jordy had the same opinion.

"I like the two of you together, Juan. The love is radiating from the both of you. I will keep pushing her – I think Beth just gave her an excuse and that it's more likely she has a fear of commitment. She – she's had a hard time letting new people in since her father took off. And I know her feelings for you are very strong, Juan, I think she's afraid that she will get hurt if she gets into a relationship, she's really scared that you are going to change your mind and that your feelings for her will disappear. It isn't just Beth that's in the way of a relationship – it's her own insecurity, her own negative view of herself. That's why things are so difficult." She squeezed his hand once more. "But I keep pushing her through it – and I will do that now. Besides, her mom already likes you a lot, and she hasn't even met you yet, and she isn't too happy about June's friendship with Beth, so I'm sure she'll try to make June change her mind too. And if there's anyone whose opinion June values more than mine, it's hers." Jordy gave him a wink.

A little dazed Juan stared at her. He hadn't known that her father had abandoned his family, it made sense that it would leave her with some issues; he knew those better than anyone.

"How is it possible that her mom..." He didn't even know how to finish his sentence.

A smile crossed Jordy's lips. "I pushed June a bit to talk to her mother about you. She looks always so cute when she talks about you, and except for Beth it makes everyone smile."

Juan felt his cheeks turn red, by which Jordy started to laugh. "Yes, when she talks about you she has exactly these red cheeks." She got off the swing and stood across from him. "Give it some time. She's worth it, Juan. She's loyal like hell, and once she's your girl, you'll never want anyone else."

Juan didn't know how she did it, but his lips bent into a grin. His girl... Man, he wanted that so badly...

Again Jordy spread her arms. "Come on, I've deserved a hug after that pep talk, right?"

A little awkwardly Juan shrugged his shoulders. He had always believed that she was an attention whore, but she was way sweeter than he ever could have imagined. When she held out her hand, he grabbed it. She pulled him to his feet and threw her arms around him.

"Hmm yeah, I can totally see why June loves to be held by you." With a grin she let go of him.

Juan rubbed his neck. "So uh, what now? I mean – do I just have to wait now? What if it takes months before she wants to hang out with me again?"

"Believe me, it won't take that long," Jordy winked. "Have a little faith in me, baby."

With a sigh, Juan nodded. The anger had faded a bit, but he still hated the situation. In less than four weeks the summer holidays started, then it would be two months before they would see each other again at school. It sounded horribly long. And how long would it take before June would shut down again? Before her commitment issues took another shape? And what should he tell his friends, his brother? They would make fun of him, and they certainly wouldn't like her because of it – and this time he even agreed with them.

Everything felt so uncertain now – why did he think that she would change her mind? That she would want to fight for him?

Maybe that would never happen.

* * *

When he came home, he found Mateo and Emilio laying on the ground across from the tv, the controller of the Nintendo in their hands. He wasn't surprised to see the two – his friend stopped by often and chilled with his brother when he wasn't around.

This afternoon he had told Emilio what was bothering June, but his friend had told him not to worry so much and that she would stop thinking about Beth when he just laid one on her like the Romeo he was trying to be. Juan had rolled his eyes, knowing that wouldn't work – June wasn't as simple as the girls they used to try to hit on during Mateo's parties.

"Damn dude, you look like you've been cock blocked," Emilio noticed with raised eyebrows, pausing their racing game.

"I kinda have been," he muttered.

Mateo looked up. "What, she dumped you?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders and flopped down on the couch. "I guess. Beth didn't believe Iris' story since she was fucking you and..."

"Fuck it man, why the hell would she say that to 'em? What a dumb whore..." Mateo stood up and leaned against the tv cabinet.

"I think Beth just guessed it."

"And June? She didn't believe Iris either?"

"She did, but Beth got angry with her and told her that their friendship would be over if she kept seein' me."

"Uh, okay? Well, problem solved," Emilio responded, shrugging. "Nobody should care about losing a friend like that."

"Well, June does," he muttered while both guys sat down next to him. He wanted a cigarette, but changed his mind as his brother started to roll a joint. "Beth made her feel guilty." With a sigh he leaned back. "Jordy says I should wait, that she will change her mind but..."

"Yea, don't think so bro," Emilio huffed. "It's about time you forget about that girl. It's only causing shit."

Sighing, Juan bent his head. Maybe his friend was right and was he a fool for trying to make this work. It felt like the whole universe was screaming that they were too different, that it would never work.

After a while he looked up to his brother, hesitantly. "What do you think I should do?"

"Just get high." Mateo gave him the joint. "That girl's stuck in your head man. You need to relax. So this is what we're gonna lil bro, watch some Die Hard and we are gonna smoke this shit till there isn't anything left alright? I can get us some chicks if you want? They'll make you forget about that bitch within the blink of an eye." He smirked.

"No," Juan muttered. That wouldn't work anyway. If any girl touched him, June would be the only one he'd think of.

"Okay, just a bro night for my homie." Emilio wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulled him close and kissed his cheek. "You don't need a girl man. Look at Mat and me. Just a heavy night every now and then, and no extra shit. That soft shit your trying for, that's not us man."

Sighing, Juan took a drag from his joint. The guys didn't get it, they hadn't felt what he had felt when he danced with her, when he'd held her, when she'd smiled at him, kissed him... That little bit of luck that he had felt, he knew that she was the only one who could give it to him. One touch from her did more for him than when he would get with some random chick and for that reason alone he wanted her – and nobody else.


	33. Old Grief

**THE PRESENT**

 _"Juan..." she took a deep breath. "My boyfriend just left the house. And we had talked, he – he doesn't mind if we..." she trailed off, looking skittishly at him, waiting until he understood what she was implying._

Her heart was pounding in her chest. Carefully she watched his face. His eyes widened, it looked like he wanted to say something but it was as if his lips were glued together.

"What – what do you mean?" he stammered. "There was no one around, except... except..."

"Except Emilio," she said softly. Despite the nerves churning inside her, she tried to keep her calmness. If her voice sounded tense, or anxious he would probably lose his mind.

"I – I don't understand..." Wildly, he shook his head. "No – I'm going crazy. This ain't real." Bending his head, he hid his face behind his hands. "This doesn't make any sense, you would never do that!"

June slipped off his lap and sat down next to him to give him some room. She felt the urge to lay her hand on his thigh, but she didn't know whether he would find the gesture very comforting right now.

"Five years ago he showed up at my door," she told him. "He was looking for you – by the time he found me he had already been searching up and down the east coast to find you."

For a moment she closed her eyes and dove into the memory.

 _"Hey ma," Rafi's voice sounded from the hallway. "There's a guy at the door asking for someone named Juan. You want me to send him away?"_

 _June froze as she heard his name. Juan. A shiver went through her body. A deep, dull pain flamed up around her heart. Ten years ago he had left her for someone else_ – _why would someone be showing up at her door and asking for him now?_

 _Instead of answering, she wiped her wet hands on a towel, turned away from the dishes and walked to the hallway. The name "Juan" had such a paralyzing effect on her that she needed support from the wall. That wasn't because of the mysterious visitor_ – _she feared her son's reaction. Would he make the connection with a man he was told was his uncle? June had told him that his father had died a hero; she hadn't been able to tell him that he had just left, never to return. He might blame himself, just like she had all those years ago. For a long time she had wondered if he'd had a suspicion that she had been pregnant_ – _even before she had known herself, and if that had been the reason he had abandoned her. She had been left wondering if he truly was more like his brother than she thought. She didn't want Rafi to blame himself, and she also didn't want him to know that his father had walked out on her; she wanted to give him a father that he could admire._

 _And thus she had told him the lie. She had told him that his father's name was Mateo and that his father had a brother, his uncle Juan but that they had lost contact not long after his death. She however hadn't forgotten about Juan's computer skills; it was a constant worry that her son might have inherited them. There would come a day that Rafi wanted to know more about his father and he'd probably look up Mateo's death on the internet. That was when the lie would come to light; there was a year between Mateo's death and Rafi's birth, but she held onto the hope it was a detail that would be missed._

 _Rafi looked at her as she entered the hallway_ – _nothing on his face created the impression that he had made a connection to his 'uncle'. Her eyes wandered from her son to the doorway, where a man of her age was standing; a handsome Hispanic guy with stubble, stretched ears and tattoos covering his arms and creeping through the collar on his shirt, up the left side of his neck._

 _"Hey..." The man cleared his throat and ran a hand across his short hair_ – _just like Juan had done, every time he had felt nervous. "Man, it's been a long time."_

 _His voice was deeper_ – _but she recognized it immediately. Her hand shot to her son's shoulder and gently she pulled him backwards. "You can go to the living room," she said quietly. "I'll be there in a minute."_

 _Rafi looked suspiciously at the man standing in the doorway. He looked much older than his ten years, growing up without a father had allowed for a protective attitude to develop very early._

 _"Everything's all right, Rafi." She gave him a compelling squeeze in his shoulder. "We used to know each other in high school."_

 _Rafi glanced briefly at her, before he turned around and left the hallway._

 _"Man, he's so much like his dad."_

 _June stepped towards the door and took the knob in her hand. Although a part of her wanted to slam the door into his face, she restrained herself. "What are you doing here, Emilio?"_

 _"I'm looking for Juan. I miss him, man. I know I did some really messed up shit back then, but I'm hoping he can get over it now, it's been more than ten years." He looked past her into the hallway, as if he expected Juan to show up._

 _"Juan and I broke up a long time ago."_

 _He raised his eyebrows. "Seriously? Damn, I thought that if there was one couple that would have stayed together forever, it would've been you two."_

 _His words made her heart ache painfully again. She had thought that too. That nothing could separate them._

 _"But you know where I can find him, right? I mean_ – _that little one has got to see his old man now and then, right?"_

 _"Juan disappeared ten years ago. He doesn't even know that he has a son. I had searched for him for a long time, until his sister told me that he was with another girl. She made me so angry that I didn't even bother to tell her about Rafi. He is better off without a father that is such an asshole, I don't want to see anyone from that family anymore."_

 _Again Emilio lifted his eyebrows. "No man, I'm not buyin' any of that bullshit. He would never have left you for another girl. I know I fucked around, most of us did back then, but Juan_ – _no way, he wouldn't even look at any other girls."_

 _June snorted. "Right. Well, I remember different things. It wasn't exactly a teddy bear that I found in his bed."_

 _"That was_ – _"_

 _"I don't want to talk about Juan, okay? He's not here, I haven't seen him in ten years."_

 _She went to close the door, but he put his foot in the way before she could finish closing it._

 _"Wait June... I want to say something else."_

 _"You never knew when to shut up," she said bitterly, pushing against the door. He however was stronger and the door swung open again._

 _"Please..." With pleading eyes he looked at her. Hearing Emilio beg_ – _well that was something she'd never thought she would experience. "I just... I just want to tell you that I'm really sorry, June. For what I did. I was just_ – _well, actually I still have no idea what had gotten into me. I was just jealous, of you, of him... of what you two had..."_

 _A sharp pain made her wrap her arms around her stomach. She barely had any memories from that night. Very occasionally she felt the press of a body and heard the whispers_ – _"Juan and I are bro's for life, we share everything. He won't mind if I give you a go… just once."_ – _but what she remembered very vividly, was Juan's pain when he discovered why his best friend was in the hospital; with a head trauma and a broken arm. That day he had lost something that had been very dear to him, something he had never found again._

 _She aimed her eyes at the man across from her again. "I don't know what to say to you, Emilio."_

 _He nodded slowly. "I get that." He sighed. "But I'm really sorry. I was drunk, and that made me overconfident, selfish... and I was so angry because it felt like you had taken my best friend from me. More than ten years have gone by, but there hasn't been a week that I haven't thought about it. About that single moment that I fucked up everything."_

 _June kept silent. If the friendship between Juan and Emilio had continued, would things have gone differently between Juan and her too? Emilio would have been able to be there for him when his brother died_ – _since that horrible night things had changed between them. She had never been able to fill that void for him, but Emilio might have._

"How – how did he find you?" Juan asked after she summarized that first meeting for him. "And how... How is it possible that the two of you still..." His voice, which had already been nothing but a whisper, completely died away now.

"Lorraine told him which city I was living in."

"L-Lorraine?" he stammered. "Why... why does she know where you live?"

June heaved a deep sigh. "Once you had left, she offered me a job. It made good money, and I really needed it and..." She didn't dare to look at him. She still felt ashamed of it, she had never felt as unhappy as she did during that period, but she had to do it for her son.

"You – you worked in her stripclub? You?" She heard how his breathing faltered, how close he was to another panic attack.

"I only did the dancing," she muttered.

"Pole dancing. Like the kind – the kind with almost no clothes?" he asked quietly, knowing the answer but still hoping for something other than a confirmation.

"Yeah. You visited that club frequently enough to know how things went on there, Juan."

A tear rolled down his cheek. "Why – why would you do something like that? I thought that you would go to college, not... not this." Suddenly he started to cry again. "I thought... I thought that it would all go so differently. That you would go to school on the same campus as Jordy and... and... but not... not that you would end up working in a stripclub."

Her bottom lip quivered as his sobbing didn't stop. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close. She couldn't explain why she had taken the job; that she had needed the money to take care of their child.

"I'm so sorry, June. I'm so sorry. I thought – I really thought..."

She shivered as his tears splattered in her neck and rubbed his back. "It wasn't as bad as you are probably thinking," she said soothingly. "Lorraine kept a close eye on me. She knew that a shy girl like me would attract some attention, but she made sure they didn't touch me. I never – I never needed to do anything but dancing. I didn't have a lot of friends after you left, Juan. I had no one to turn to. It hurt to keep seeing Riley and your other friends; and with Shawna and Jordy studying abroad and I didn't – I didn't want to go to my father. Lorraine helped me to earn money, I – I didn't want to go to college. Not anymore." She knew he wouldn't understand, not as long as she kept him in the dark about the kid she had to take care of. "When Emilio returned to Lorraine's club after all those years and asked if she had ever heard about where we ended up, she told him where I lived. She had always been discrete, she didn't tell him about... us," she muttered. "That you had abandoned me."

 _And that I had a kid._

Juan had clung to her tightly; his heated, wet cheek pressed against her neck. Quickly she continued, so that she could lead his thoughts away from her dancing career. It had only been for about a year and a half – and it was a long time ago. "After Emilio had apologized, I didn't see him for a while, until one night, I saw him at the bar I was working at. He had come looking for me, but he never forced me to talk to him. Most days he kept distance, as if he was just hoping that I had been lying and that you would walk in one day. Eventually we started to have some short conversations, then before we knew it they were getting longer and longer. We both missed you, I guess, it brought us together. After you, I had never gotten into a serious relationship again. I had tried a couple times, but I just couldn't. I felt lonely, and he was too, and after some time we decided to try to get rid off that feeling together." Bending her head, she stared at the ground. "It was never supposed to become serious, but I got pregnant and E stayed with me."

Juan jumped up; he clearly hadn't realized it before. "What... what do you mean? Your son... is Emilio's?!"

"Yes," she answered softly. She didn't dare to look at him. "Glenn is Emilio's son."

 _And Rafi is ours._

The words were on the tip of her tongue, but she kept them inside. This was already so much for him to take in; June couldn't even imagine what he would do if he discovered that he had a son – a fifteen year old son. Their son was already the same age as they had been when they fell in love with each other. Juan had missed fifteen years of Rafi's life and June didn't know if he was going to stick around this time. Her life had been turned upside down – just like his, like Emilio's... But she wanted to keep her children out of this mess for as long as she could, for as long as it was necessary, until all the old grief was gone.

And there was a lot of it.


	34. Anger

**THE PRESENT**

Juice felt sick to his stomach.

After everything, Emilio had taken his place. Not only had he kissed his girl but he had fucked her, and had knocked her up. His breathing became heavier, dark spots danced before his eyes.

That asshole. That fucking asshole.

"I'm gonna fucking kill him," he grumbled.

As he stood up from the couch, June grabbed his wrist. However, this time he pulled himself loose. This was none of her business. Emilio had sworn to stay away from her – there was nothing worse that he could have done. The betrayal was bitter on his tongue.

"Juan, please!" she yelled as he stormed to the door.

He wanted to ignore her, but he just couldn't. Not after all these years, he had lived without her for too long. "What?!" he grunted, spinning around. "You love him?"

She crossed her arms. The sympathy that had been on her face before, disappeared completely. "You really think I'm the type of person who would stay with someone who I don't love? Yes, I love him. In a different way than how I loved you, different from how I still love you. But I care about him and you hurt him, you're hurting me too."

"Well, seems like I've gotten pretty good at hurtin' you anyway." Wildly, he turned around. He loved June, he loved her more than anything in the world. But it wasn't enough to suppress the anger he was feeling. He needed blood, he needed to see that fucker lying on the ground; if not, he feared that he might do something that he would regret.

The door slammed shut behind him. There was no doubt that both Emilio and Jordy were close – he spotted a guy standing outside; probably Jordy's boyfriend, as the other two were talking with him.

Emilio pushed the two others backwards as Juice exited the house and didn't step aside as Juice rushed at them. Juice's hand went to his side, but he wasn't carrying his gun; that was still in the house.

"You fucking asshole," he yelled. "You son of a bitch!"

His fist hit Emilio's cheek, but he recovered quicker than expected and landed his own punch in return. Cursing, Juice stumbled backwards.

"Calm down, bro." Jordy's boyfriend tried to intervene, with a calmness that made Juice even angrier.

"Fuck you," Juice spat. This time he grabbed Emilio by the throat and tried to throw him to the ground, but Emilio hooked a foot around his ankle so they both fell. "After all these years... after all these years you just did it again! She was my girl and you... you took advantage of her! Just like back then!"

"Nothin' like that happened man!" Emilio wrestled himself from underneath him and warded off Juice's punches with his forearm. "She ain't your girl anymore and I didn't take advantage of anything. Dude, you've been away for _fifteen years,_ you can't act like we're still teenagers!"

Juice barely paid attention to his words. The only thing he could think of, was Emilio and June sleeping together. Had he even fucked her last night?

Emilio screamed as Juice's fist hit his nose, blood splattering across the pavement. Hands grabbed at his shoulders, he could hear both June and Jordy yelling at him, but he shook everyone off. Reaching out he grabbed Emilio's chin and slammed his head against the asphalt.

"Juan, stop!" June screamed. "Stop, you're going to destroy everything again!" Her voice cracked as she started to sob.

Defeated Juice stared at the ground. _You're going to destroy everything again._

As his concentration wavered, Emilio jumped up and threw him onto his back. Now it was his turn to wrap his hands around Juice's throat and push him further into the ground.

"You've really gone crazy, huh? Lunatic! Can't you just calm down so we can talk?!" Emilio's bloody face floated above his. "I love her, okay? You really think I would have stayed with her if I just wanted to fuck her? When I went to see her again, fucking her was the last thing that was on my mind, but I fell in love with her, okay?"

"No," Juice snarled. "It's not okay! She's mine, she –"

"You were gone, Juan. For ten years. She was no longer yours – and she's isn't yours now, she's not mine either. Shit man."

Despite his anger he felt shame spreading across his cheeks because he had referred to her like she was someone's property. Like his brother had always done – it was what had made him want to be different from him.

"Can we now talk to each other like adults?" June's voice sounded from behind him.

Juice gritted his teeth. He didn't want to talk – he wanted to go back, to ignore everything he had heard, he wanted to be sitting on the couch again with June on his lap; this time not stopping her when she went to take off her shirt.

Emilio was still pushing him against the ground. "You think you can do that?"

"No," he grumbled. "As soon as I get the chance, I'm gonna put a bullet in your brain."

"You already had that chance, and you couldn't do it."

"That was before I knew that you were screwin' her! That you had knocked her up!" Tears jumped in his eyes. "How could you do that man. How could you do that to me."

Sighing, Emilio stood up and wiped his bleeding nose. "Do I really need to explain how I developed feelings for her? You got 'em too man."

Juice's eyes shot to the side. June was standing a few feet away from them, tears dripping down her face. Jordy had wrapped an arm around her. Sighing he sat up, supporting his head with his hands. He had allowed the aggression to drag him along. Among his brothers, that had been the most normal thing in the world, but the two women standing in front of him reminded him of the fact that he was no longer in Charming.

For a while he kept sitting, his bent head resting between his knees. Then, as if coming to his conclusion, he stood up without saying a word and walked to his bike.

"Come on, Juan!" Emilio called after him. "Are you just gonna walk away again, just like ten years ago?"

He looked over his shoulder. The man had laid his arm around June's waist, cradling her against his chest as she cried. The sight of it made a pang race through his stomach. He hated seeing them together; he hated that she reached out to Emilio for comfort.

"I can't do this," he muttered. "I can't see you two together."

"Well, you can't barge into June's life after fifteen fucking years and just leave like that, Juan," Emilio said stubbornly. "I'll leave you alone if you want, but you can't leave her like this. She deserves better and you know it."

With a sigh Juice had to agree. Yeah, she did deserve better.

Better than him.

But also better than Emilio.

His eyes wandered off to Jordy, who gave him an encouraging nod. Her boyfriend stood next to her, an arm around her. Although the love of his life was just a few steps away from him, he felt lonelier than ever.

"Okay," he muttered with slumped shoulders. He aimed his glance at June again. "So what do you want now?"

"I just want you to calm down." She broke away from Emilio's embrace and came to stand in front of him. His lips started to quiver as she took his hands. How could she still be so sweet? After all the misery he caused... "I want to help you, Juan," she said softly, looking up to him. "I want to listen to you, I want to know how your life has been all these years. I – I want to get to know you again." A blush spread across her face and shyly she dropped her eyes. For a moment she looked like that quiet, mysterious 15-year-old girl again.

"I – I think it's better if you don't know," he stammered. "You – you won't discover anything you'll like."

She came a little closer and kept his glance. "Please, let me decide that for myself, Juan. You made enough decisions for me."

He bent his head. She was right.

"Do you – do you want to come in again?"

Juice looked past her to Emilio. "Is he gonna be comin' with us? I don't – I can't be in the same room as him." He took a deep breath. "I still can't believe it. He gave you a son." He shook his head; anger flaring up again. "You gave birth to his son!" His voice cracked. "How could you... how could you want _that_ as the father of your child? Someone who tried to rape you, who..."

"Fuckin' hell, Juan!" Emilio snapped. "You act like I was continuously goin' out rapin' girls! When it comes down to it, I didn't rape anyone! You might have a problem with it, but June and I sorted our shit out years ago man."

"You know you would have done it if someone hadn't stopped you! You should have just stayed away from her!"

"And you should have stayed with her! But that's not how things went, huh? And guess what, I took care of her as best as I could when I found out that she was pregnant. What else do you think I should have done? Abandon her, like you did? So that she had to raise another child on her own?"

"E! Stop don't –"

"No!" Emilio snapped at June. Then he turned his attention to Juice again; a fire burning in his eyes. "Yea, I felt guilty, okay? But I did everything I could to take care of her, to take care of our son, to take care of _your_ son after you abandoned them, and now all I'm getting in return is this shit storm!"

"W-what?" Dazed, Juice stepped back.

"Yea, you heard me! You might not be able to look past what happened in high school and to bring yourself to say one good word about me, but _you_ were the one who walked out on your pregnant girlfriend!"

Juice's jaw dropped. Completely overwhelmed he stared at Emilio; not being able to process what he had just been told, not knowing how to respond. He didn't even dare to look over to June, too scared that she would confirm his words.


	35. Don't Leave Me

_**Edited**_

 **THE PRESENT**

Never before had she been mad enough to hit someone, but this time she couldn't stop herself; she raised her hand and slapped Emilio. "You're such an asshole sometimes!" she hissed.

With a dark look in his eyes he glared at her. "Did I lie? Haven't I done everything in my power to take care of you and your son? I'm not that fucking kid in high school anymore and I'm not going to stand here and put up with him being not able to see me as anything more than a rapist! What more do I need to do here June, I've spent the past five years showing you I'm not that guy and somehow I still wind up being the asshole?!"

June suppressed a sigh. She understood where he was coming from; if anyone was able to miss Juan like she had, it would be him. She knew that he would do anything to get his former friend back, but that didn't change the fact that outbursts like these only made things worse.

She shot a glance at Juan again, he was still staring at her as if he was in a trance. Emilio's words had rocked him, their weight too much for him to understand immediately.

"Do we – do we have a son?" he asked eventually, his hand reaching up to rub at his chest. She wouldn't be surprised if he was going into shock.

June bit her lip. Every time she thought he couldn't look more lost, he did. She wanted to get closer to him, to hug him, but as soon as her foot moved, he stumbled backwards, wildly shaking his head. "That – that's impossible. How – how old is he?"

"How old do you think he is?" Emilio's sharp voice sounded from behind her. "Dude, by now you gotta know that it ain't the storks delivering babies, right?"

June turned around. "Can you please go home? You're not helping at all, E."

The man huffed, his eyes still aimed at Juan. She could see that it hurt him that Juan was still rejecting him. However, she knew from experience that when he was feeling pain like that, it made him lash out in whatever way he could.

"Rafi needs to get to school anyway, he's already missed two classes because I asked him to stay with Glenn."

"Oh, you still want me to play daddy?"

She turned around, a pleading look in her eyes. "E... please. We already talked about this and..."

"He's walkin' away again." He nodded past her. "Go after him, June." He sighed, laying a hand against her cheek and giving her a sad smile. "Just go. I love you."

It sounded like a goodbye. Fear flared up that he would be gone when she got home; that this time, he would be the one leaving her.

On a whim, she kissed him.

"I'm not going anywhere, baby. I'll be waiting for you at home." He stroked her cheek; able to feel her fear effortlessly. "Go after him, be there for him in the way he won't let me be."

A friend. That was all she was now. Juan's friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Emilio gave her a gentle push and she turned around. Juan was already at his bike as she hurried towards him.

She stood still in front of the vehicle, having no idea what to say to him after being caught in his sad eyes.

"Comin' round was a mistake," he muttered. "I can't do this, I'm sorry June."

She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. "But – don't you wanna talk about our son?"

He bent his head. "You – you didn't want me to know about him, right?"

"I was waiting for a better moment."

He took a deep breath, wiping his eyes. "It – it doesn't really land. I – I gotta go. Sorry. I can't... I just can't..." Distraught, his hand ran across his head. "I don't know what to think anymore, what to feel. I – I got a son. And he's... fifteen. I've had a kid for over fifteen years."

June stepped closer to him, but his hands clenched around the handle bars. He really wanted to leave. Away from her. He couldn't even look at her anymore.

"It's – it's better for him if I leave. If he never gets to know me."

"And is that what's best for you too, Juan?" she asked softly.

"I'm fucked up anyway. Emilio was right; I'm way worse than him. He – I guess he's been a better father than I ever could've been."

"Juan..."

He pulled her close, giving her a kiss. "Sorry baby, I'm so sorry for everything."

Tears suffocated her voice. "Please – please don't leave. I – I love you."

He breathed in sharply as he caressed her cheek, his eyes gleaming with tears. "I love you too, June, more than you will ever understand, more than I even realize. But if I stay – I will only cause more pain. For everyone."

"It can't be worse than when you left," she whispered. "Please, don't leave me again. Take some time for yourself, think about everything that's been said... but don't disappear again, Juan." With a hand against his cheek, she raised his head so he wasn't able to look away. "Answer when I call you. Rafi... Rafi is so much like you. He needs his father – his real father. Just... just come back after you've worked things out."

She shivered as his tears reached her hand.

"Rafi..." he whispered, breathing heavily. "Oh god, it's really true. I have a son. I really have a son." He looked her in the eyes again. "June, if I'd known this then... I would never... on your own..."

"I know." She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight. "I know baby."

He breathed in deeply and started his bike.

June didn't let go of him. "Where will you go, Juan? When will I see you again? I meant what I said, I don't wanna lose you again. I just got you back. I don't know if we can be together again, but I want you in my life, I need you in Rafi's life."

"I don't know, June. I can't think straight, not now, and I don't wanna make false promises. But – but I will call you. Later."

"Will you really do that?" she asked softly.

He dropped his eyes.

She laid her hand on his. "I understand why you left me. It still hurts, but I get it. I know now that you wanted to protect me. But if you disappear again... this time you're just running. You know the truth now, Juan. You're fifteen years older now, you have a son. Take responsibility this time. You know better than anyone what it's like to be a fifteen year old boy without his father. Emilio's trying really hard, but he isn't Rafi's father. You are."

He turned his face away, took the hand that was on top of his and pressed a kiss against the back of it. Then he pushed himself away. His bike started to roll and without saying another word he took off.

* * *

Rafi stirred his food. "So... is anyone gonna tell me what's goin' on? Why E's face is beaten to pulp and why ma hasn't said a word since she stormed out of the house this morning?"

With a sigh, June looked up. "An old friend stopped by," she muttered.

She had spent the whole day at Jordy's; she had been too angry with Emilio and too afraid that she had lost Juan again. Around dinner time she had finally gone home; where she found that Emilio had already cooked the meal.

"So they were only your friend then, I guess?" Rafi asked with raised eyebrows. The derisive glance in his brown eyes didn't escape her attention. Even though he had always reminded her of Juan, now that she had seen him again, she saw the similarities between the two even clearer.

"It's complicated."

Rafi studied Emilio's face. "You gave the other guy a good beat down?"

"What do you think?" Emilio asked with a smirk. "Ya think I'd let someone have a go at me without getting my own shots in?"

Rafi grinned back.

Her glance shot from her son to her boyfriend and back again. Sometimes she had the feeling that Emilio forgot that Rafi was his stepson, not his best friend from years ago, but it was moments like these that the lines seemed to blur for him.

"So... was this guy an ex of yours, ma?" Rafi asked. "It would explain why he freaked out on your boyfriend."

June felt that her cheeks were starting to glow. "It's complicated," she repeated.

"I deserved it," Emilio said. "You know, he was my homie when I was your age, and I did some pretty stupid things. Back then, and now." He shrugged his shoulders. "You know me; always wearing my heart on my sleeve."

June took a bite of her macaroni and tried to let go of the nervousness. Today Emilio had said a lot of things she wished he had kept to himself, but that was because of his emotions getting the better of him. He wouldn't tell Rafi that Juan was his father, right?

"You remember that day that I came looking for your mom? When I asked for Juan? He was my best friend in high school, actually since kindergarten, and back then he and your mom had something goin' on. We got into a crazy fight when we were still in school and I lost sight of 'em, it took years for me to track him down... well I found your mom, but her and Juan had split years ago."

June didn't dare to look at her son. He was a smart kid, he might just connect the dots on what Emilio was saying.

"Juan – that's my uncle's name, right? You dated my uncle, ma?"

"No," she said quickly. "No, this is another Juan."

She felt Emilio's eyes burning on her skin and gave him a stern look, silently telling him to back off.

Her son lifted the corner of his mouth. "Already thought so. That woulda been so weird."

Her lips were trembling as she feigned a smile.

Rafi kept her glance, a little suspiciously. "So was he a friend of my dad too? I mean, E and he used to hang out, right?"

June closed her eyes. The thought about Mateo and Juan made her heart squeeze painfully.

"Just give it a rest for now, Rafi," Emilio said. "It was a tough day for your mom. If you're really curious, we'll talk about it later, okay?"

Emilio lifted her hand and kissed the back of it, just like Juan had done earlier today. A shiver traveled through her body. After all these years she still had to get used to Emilio's tender moments. In the beginning it had felt forced, but by now she knew that he really cared about her; he just never knew how to show his love and it seemed like he had remembered his friend's behavior and decided to copy his moves.

Skittishly she looked at her son, but he gave her an understanding smile and aimed his attention at his little brother, who had been in the process of shoving half of his food onto his brother's plate, probably hoping that nobody would notice.

* * *

Emilio didn't start about Juan again until they were lying in bed. June had gone to bed early on purpose, although she had known that it wouldn't stop Emilio from asking questions. "You've been with him all day?"

June stared at the ceiling. The grief and the fear of losing him again, festering throughout her body. "No, we only talked for maybe five minutes. He left. I – I don't know if he is going to return."

"I'm sure he will. Especially now that he knows about us."

June sighed.

Emilio turned on his side. "I fucked up again, didn't I?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe it was for the best. All cards on the table. I just hope it wasn't too much for him. Before I told him about us, he was rambling... saying that it might be better for everyone if he was dead. I just... I just can't imagine what he has gone through to make him think that is the best choice."

"He was involved with a motorclub. The Sons of Anarchy."

June turned on her side too. "W-what?"

"I saw the Reaper on his arm. Those guys are dangerous June. Back in the day, I would hang around the Mayan's clubhouse in New York with Riley, cause her family was all tied up in it and every once and a while those guys would show up. They ran a bit different from the Sons but the Sons shit was just as heavy. I was gonna prospect back in the day, but after shit went south, I knew I wasn't cut out for it. It's fuckin' intense."

"A motorclub," she repeated.

"It's more like a gang. Lots of illegal shit."

She shouldn't be surprised. He had already told her that he had done things that were worse than what his brother had done. "You think they're after him now?"

"Yea. If it woulda been something else, they would have protected him."

A silence fell; they were both lost in thoughts. Where would he be now? Had he found a place to stay? Or would he be sleeping under a bridge? Would she ever see him again?

Emilio snuggled closer to her, his hand gliding across her thigh, settling on her hip for a moment, until it traveled up higher causing her satin night gown to rise up.

"E..." she sighed. "I'm really not in the mood."

"I'll get you in the right mood." In the dim light she could just see his smirk. "Are you wishing you were lying here with Juan now? Or maybe with the both of us? You wanna have a threesome baby?" His hand glided around her breast. "You ever fantasized about that? How it would feel to have both of your nipples sucked?"

June breathed in sharply as he shoved her nightie upwards and started to suck her nipple.

"I would suck this side," he whispered, closing his lips around her right breast, his tongue laving her nipple. "And Juan this one..." He moved his mouth to the other side, his teeth gently tugging the bud.

In a flash she could see them before her eyes. Her throat felt dry, her heart raced in her chest.

"E..." she muttered, still trying to push him away.

"I would do it for you, June. And he will too – I'm sure of it." He started to kiss his way up her neck.

"I don't believe that you would really do that," she muttered. "You're only saying that because..." she trailed off and closed her eyes as he started massaging her breast.

"Because it's makin' you horny," he whispered in her ear. "I haven't seen you this turned on in a long time June. If you're the one I'm doin' things with, I'd agree to a threesome. Just imagine..."

June closed her eyes, listening to his fantasies and shyly adding her own while they melted together.

A little later, Emilio rolled off her and pulled her in his arms. "That was hot," he whispered against her neck, continuously kissing her skin. "I would do it. I would make love to you with my bro if it means you'll come even harder than you just did. I love watching you and watching you enjoy it with him would be so fuckin' hot."

June said nothing; her cheeks seemed to be redder than they had ever been. After sharing a bed with Emilio for five years she had thought that nothing would embarrass her anymore; but she had never done something like this. Her mind couldn't decide if she should be ashamed or if she should just accept that she really wanted to do something like that.

Emilio's thumb stroked her heated cheek, as if he could read her thoughts. "Don't feel ashamed, baby. Anyone who had the chance to get both Juan and me, would fantasize about it." He pulled her closer, softly biting her neck. "But you're the only one who could do it."

June closed her eyes – the chance that she would have to chose between them one day hurt. She wanted Juan back, she could feel it with every fiber of her body, but she didn't want to lose Emilio – and having both of them... that was impossible. Right?

Maybe for one night, but that would have to be the end of it. And deep down she knew Juan would never be able to do that, especially not with Emilio.

"Do you think he'll ever come back, E?" she asked quietly.

He wrapped both of his arms tighter around her. "Yea, sweet June. He'll come back and after a little while he'll be the one lying here with you. But until then... until then I wanna be yours."

A tear dripped down her cheek as she searched for his lips in the dark. "I wanna stay yours, E."

He gave her a tender kiss. "It's okay, baby. You've never been mine. Not really."

June dropped her eyes. She doubted that was really true now that she was faced with the reality of losing him.


	36. Sweet Sixteen

**THE PAST**

Juan felt ashamed by how much of an effect June's rejection had on him, even after three weeks. He always felt grumpy, and got angry about even the smallest things. By now, his irritable behaviour was annoying Emilio and Mateo, they had taken to telling him that he should stop whining like a little girl and forget about the bitch.

That description had made him furious in the beginning, but by now he only shrugged it off when they called her things like that. Maybe they were right, maybe she was being a bitch – if nothing else she getting played by one.

They had barely spoken since the day she had talked to Iris. The first few days he had been waiting for a sign from Jordy that things were going to get better, but when she started looking frustrated, he had went to see June himself and tried to get any sort of conversation going.

It had been pointless though; she had just stared at her feet and stammered out a couple of answers. It had frustrated him so much that he had strode away from her, cursing. After that, she hadn't looked at him again.

Last weekend Emilio had dragged him from party to party, flirting with every pretty girl he could find, but Juan hadn't been able to drag a smile to his lips and with his grim face he didn't have much luck in picking up a chick. Which was alright by him, but Emilio was not very happy with him by the end of the night.

Right now he was sitting in a living room full of people. There were lots of empty bottles on the table and the room echoed with the laughter of his closest friends. Everyone had gathered together for him, all the guys and Riley had come out to celebrate his birthday. He really tried to enjoy the evening – tried to join the conversations, to laugh at the jokes, but the only thing his mind was doing, was creating images of how things would have been if June had been here tonight. Would she have sat on the couch next to him, his arm around her, her head resting against his shoulder as they relaxed, her hand woven with his, her fingers absently tracing his? He imagined how her soft chuckles would have sound as she was starting to feel comfortable around his friends and how they would all be swept off their feet by her beautiful smile.

That would have been the best birthday gift he could think of.

This morning he had even hoped for it; he knew that Jordy would have used his birthday as a new reason to create some crazy plan to set them up. But by now, as the party was in full swing, that hope was long gone.

. . .

Around midnight the door swung open and Mateo walked in. On his shoulder he was carrying a CD player drowning out all the commotion with some rock music. Greeting Juan with a wink and a self-confident grin he put it down on the table.

"Well little bro, you only turn sixteen once, so I'm gonna make sure you never forget about it." He flopped on the couch between Emilio and Juan, wrapping an arm around the shoulders of the two friends.

The door opened again.

For a brief, foolish moment, part of Juan hoped that Jordy and Mateo had found a way to get June to come, but two girls stepped into the room and started to dance while taking their jackets off.

Strippers.

Mateo gave him strippers for his birthday.

His mouth became dry as he watched. His friends were jeering and whistling enthusiastically. Juan felt the heat rise to his cheeks as a red haired girl walked up to them and started to strip, swinging her hips, winking at him.

"Just relax kid," Mateo whispered in his ear. "Just watch her, you can touch her too if ya want. I got you sorted, its your night lil' man, you want a dance? She'd give ya a lap dance."

And so Juan watched. He watched how she moved sensually to the music, slowly taking off her top, followed by her skirt so she was only wearing the smallest bits of lingerie he had ever seen.

Mateo leaned into him. "Ain't she hot? Knew you would like the redhead."

She was beautiful, she was hot... there was no doubt about that. His pants were feeling tight as he watched her hands slid across her hips, across her breasts.

As she held out her hand, his brother nudged his shoulder. "Go with her. She'll be good to you." A devilish grin crossed his lips. "You're sixteen now, little brother. It's about time you lost your virginity. Great way to start a new year, huh?"

"Uhh..." Juan hadn't the slightest idea what to say – or do. He however did notice that everyone was whispering and smirking, all looking at him, he didn't dare to tell his brother that he didn't want this, he couldn't.

With a shaky, fake smile he took her hand. As soon as he was standing, her other hand slipped underneath his shirt, caressing his abs.

Her lips sucked his neck on their way to his ear. "Take me to your room, love," she whispered. "Let me give you a birthday you'll never forget."

Juan swallowed. He could feel everyone's gaze burning on his skin; right now there was nothing he wanted more than to leave the room. So taking a deep breath, he led her around the couch and headed for his room. As soon as the door was closed, the tension slipped away a bit.

"Don't worry," the girl smiled. "Your friends will enjoy themselves with Renata." She pulled him a little closer. "And I will be all yours. You can do whatever you want with me, I'll make sure you enjoy it." She raised the hand with which she wasn't holding his hand and stroked his cheek with the back of her fingers.

"Um, well, I uh, actually I'm not sure if I want this," he muttered, his eyes focused on her pretty face instead of her large breasts in the bra that was the same bright red as her lips and the hair waving across her shoulders.

"You're a shy one, huh?" She chuckled softly. "Very different from your brother. I like it. We can just talk for a bit? I'm Lorraine."

"Uh, Juan," he muttered, even though he was sure his brother had already told her that.

Gently, she pulled him towards the bed, sitting down on the end of it. "What are you afraid of, Juan?"

He bent his head, casting his gaze at his lap while still peeking at her from the corner of his eye. She was really pretty, with her flat stomach and curves in all the right places. He just hadn't expected that his first time would be with a... hooker.

"Uh, nothing, but eh, well, there's kinda this girl that I like a lot." A blush crept towards his cheeks. "And you're really pretty and you seem nice, but actually I wanted... you know, I was hoping that she would be my first. She uh, she's still a virgin too."

"Ah, that's so cute! So you're in love with her?"

He nodded, staring at his feet. "And uh, she's in love with me too. But uh... she just needs a little more time."

"And what's her name?"

There was something about her tone, persuading him to give an honest answer. "June."

"And why does June need time?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "She uh, she's really shy. And insecure."

Lorraine chuckled softly. "Like you?"

The shame he felt, made a sweat drop glide down his neck. "No uh, she's different." He rubbed his necked. "My friends think that she's boring and told me to forget about her. But she's so beautiful and so sweet... and... and I just can't get her outta my head," he rambled.

She squeezed his hand. "She would be crazy if she let a guy like you walk away, Juan. You're such a sweetie... and really, really handsome." She laid a hand against his cheek, turning his face towards her. Although plenty of girls had flirted with him, it felt like his confidence had been bruised after June had turned him down – plus, it was uncomfortable to be alone with a half naked girl who he wasn't really interested in. "But there has to be something for you to tell your friends, right? Is there nothing you'd like to do with me?" There was a playful pleading look in her eyes. Her thumb brushed his bottom lip as she held his glance. "You can do anything you want, Juan. I can make your every fantasy come true. Or we can keep it simple if you want that, how's that sound baby? How about I give you a blowjob? Would you like that? You can pretend that I'm June, you can moan her name, imagine her lips wrapped around you... You can save yourself for your girl, but you won't have to disappoint your curious friends. What about that?" Her hand glided across his thigh, to his lap and stroked the bulge in his jeans. "I think you're already pretty ready, lovey." She knelt down in front of him. "Aren't you curious how it feels?"

Juan could barely breathe. He had no idea what to do. Part of him _was_ curious, _wanted_ to go further than kissing and deep down he knew there was a chance that he would never get into a relationship with June at all. "O-okay," he stammered.

"Thought so." She winked. "What do you like? You want to stand? Sit? Lie down?"

"Uhh..." Awkwardly, he shrugged his shoulders.

"Does she have long hair? Like mine?"

"Around the same length, I guess. But straight."

"Okay, then keep sitting, lovey." She loosened his pants and pulled them down a bit, just like his boxers. When her hand finally closed around him, he breathed in sharply, feeling so nervous that he couldn't swallow. "You got a beautiful one, Juan, nothing to be ashamed of. It's long, thick... straight..." Her fingers brushed his skin as small kisses punctuated her words. "Just what a girl wants."

A knot appeared in his stomach, he still wasn't sure whether he wanted this or not. His cheeks felt so hot that he feared that they would stay that way forever. She let go of him and took off his pants and boxers, pushing his knees apart and settled between them.

"Sit a little more on the edge, baby." She patted his knee with a promising smile. "Now close your eyes and think about your girl. Put your fingers in my hair, pretend that I'm June."

Juan took a deep breath and did as she told him, a tight feeling in his chest because he felt so uncomfortable. When her soft fingers danced around his member again, he closed his eyes and imagined June's fingers, they would be a bit callous because of her violin playing. Small kisses soon followed, creating the illusion of her learning the feel of him, were pressed onto his sensitive skin, soon to be followed by her tongue.

"Does this feel nice, Juan?" she asked quietly – such a soft tone that she really sounded like June.

"Y-yeah," he stammered.

His midriff contracted as her lips closed around him and she started to suck, her tongue swirling around his tip. Through the small cracks of his eyelids he looked down; his erection was slipping further and further inside her mouth, her red lipstick contrasting with his tan skin.

With his fingers he played with her hair as he closed his eyes again, imagining June's face; her beautiful full lips around him, her magical tongue stroking his skin, the insecure but longing look in her eyes... His breathing grew heavier, he grabbed her locks more tightly. A groan slipped his lips, followed by another one.

"Mmm that's it baby, I knew you would like this. Keep thinking about your girl. Moan for her, nobody ever has to know."

Juan leaned back as the tension piled up when she started so suck him longer. Sweat was beading on his forehead. He was panting, he kept a hand buried in her hair as his moans grew deeper. He imagined June's eyes looking up at him as she sucked him deeper, his hand tightening in her hair as her tongue traced the underside of his cock – until his body started to jolt. His orgasm rolled over him, making him moan her name softly.

After the amazing feeling had died away, he looked skittishly at Lorraine. She pulled back her head and sat down next to him. Quickly he pulled up his boxers and pants, feeling even more uncomfortable than before.

"Well, that wasn't bad, right?" she winked, stroking his thigh. "You are a very handsome boy, Juan. I'm sure June will get over her shyness one day. Would you like to practice a bit more? So that your nervousness won't get in the way when you do it for the first time? Sex between two inexperienced people almost never turns out to be good, you know, it can create disappointed feelings. Do you know how to get her wet Juan?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders, he had always thought they would figure that out together. But maybe she was right; maybe he would feel so nervous that he couldn't do it. He was good at screwing things up. Looking back to when they had met up before, that wasn't a far-fetched possibility at all.

"I can teach you what to do, if you'd like that. So that you know what to do, once she's ready. Then you'll be able to give her a great first time, Juan. There is no better lover than one who knows what he's doing, you want her to enjoy it too don't you?"

Again his cheeks flamed up; if anyone had the chance to screw it up and be clumsy, it was him.

"That's what you want, right? That she enjoys it?"

"Y-yes. Of course." His voice was shaking.

Lorraine took off her thong. "Come on, love, come, sit over here. I'll make sure that your friends know how talented you were, so they won't have any reason to tease you later." She gave him a playful wink.

Again his stomach was twisting. Taking a deep breath, he knelt down between her legs. Nervousness was taking over his brain, causing a panicking feeling to rise up, making him want to flee.

Lorraine's hands rested upon his shoulders. "Relax, lovey. We can start slow, why don't you press some light kisses to the inside of my thighs, then you can move in closer when you're ready. We will build it up, until you know all the tricks that will help you to give your girl a mind-blowing orgasm." She stroked his head. "And after that, June will never want anyone but you."

Juan gathered his courage, took a deep breath, nodded and started to kiss the smooth, warm skin of the stripper.


	37. Turbulence

**THE PAST**

If Juan thought that he had felt uncomfortable before he had taken Lorraine to his room, nothing compared to how he felt _after_. He tried to feign a smile as he stepped into the living room again, but it felt strained and left him feeling filthy.

"Well boys, you should all learn from this guy. What he can do with his tongue..." She wiggled her eyebrows as she trailed her hand along his shoulder making her way across the room.

Juan felt his cheeks glow. All he actually wanted was to brush his teeth, for all her boasting he hadn't really enjoyed it and the thought that a ton of other men also had gone down on her, hadn't exactly been a turn on.

"Yeah, we heard that," Emilio smirked.

Awkwardly, Juan sat down between his friend and brother.

Mateo leaned over to him, whispering in his ear: "You didn't do it, huh?"

Juan stared at his knees and shrugged his shoulders. For a moment he was afraid that his brother would be angry, then he slapped him on the shoulder. "Got another surprise for you."

 _Great,_ Juan sighed internally, wondering with what idiotic thing he had come up with this time. His first present had been the most awkward thing he had ever done, but it seemed that his friends had enjoyed the other stripper while he had been away. Now that he had the chance to look around, he noticed that Lorraine's friend was on Riley's lap, kissing her furiously. Most of his friends clearly found that more fascinating than anything else in the room, so he was left feeling thankful that he would be able to get away without talking about his first experience pretty easily.

Enthusiastically, Emilio was bouncing up and down the couch, seemingly torn between watching the women on the couch and wanting to go with them. "Yeah dude, I swear to you ‒if you ever die I want your brother." He jumped up and dragged him on his feet. "C'mon, this is gonna be so fucking awesome."

Mateo stood up as well, laying an arm around his shoulders. With confident steps he led Juan towards the front door. Between Emilio's excitement and Mateo's idea of a good gift, Juan had no idea what he was walking into, but when he opened the door, his jaw dropped.

He couldn't find a single word to say.

In front of him sat a brand new shining, black Harley, with semigloss chrome finish. For a brief moment he felt like he was getting his wildest dream; that he was getting a motorcycle, but a second later reality came crashing down on him and he understood that Mateo had probably rented the vehicle to take him for a ride.

Suddenly a key was dangled in front of his nose. "It's yours, bro."

Juan stared at him, dumbfounded. What... was he serious? What sixteen year old boy got a Harley for his birthday? He only knew a few guys who even owned a motorcycle license and they only had hunks of junk. Not a beauty like this...

"I don't know what to say," Juan stammered. Tears were stinging in his eyes. Sure, there were teenagers getting a car from their parents the moment they turned sixteen, but he had never expected to be one of those people. They didn't have a lot of money – it wasn't until Mateo had started working that things had started to change – and his mother hadn't even bothered to congratulate him, or show in any way that she cared about her son's birthday. He had only seen her in passing this morning, but she had only taken the time to snap at him, demanding that the house should be clean the next morning.

Mateo gave him a little nudge. Brought back to the present with his heart bouncing a wild beat in his chest he walked closer to the Harley; he couldn't believe that this was real. Very carefully he sat down, sliding his fingers around the handlebars. His glance wandered towards his brother, who was watching him, a wide grin spread across his face. Juan pressed his lips together as he realized how hard Mateo must have worked to buy this.

As soon as he was on the ground again, he gave his brother a tight hug.

"Don't you dare the cry," Mateo whispered, teasingly squeezing his shoulder. "I love you, kid." His lips briefly touched Juan's temple. "I know ma's behaving like a dumbass but you deserve a present like this. The whole world should know what a cool guy you are."

Mateo let go of him and Riley bumped her fist against his shoulder, smirking. "My uncle's a driving instructor. A few of us went in with Emilio's parents and your sister and got you signed up to do the course. As soon as my cousin hears about this, he'll probably be over here tryin' to get you runnin' round in a Mayan cut."

Juan's wide grin didn't leave his face. Joining an MC, how cool would that be? That dream seemed a little closer now.

* * *

The next morning, his mother was clearly less than enthusiastic about Mateo's gift. "What's gotten into your head, you idiot!" she yelled. "First that car, now a motorcycle?! How'd you buy that, huh? Where'd you get that money! You start dealing drugs? What are you doing with those girls you run around with? Are you their pimp? Well?!" Her feet were a little apart, her hands propped in her sides.

"I just get lucky when I play cards," Mateo answered shrugging, sitting at the dinner table and leaning backwards on the chair legs. "Besides, somebody's gotta give Juan something, right? You did shit all. You didn't even wish him happy fuckin' birthday."

His mother snorted. "Why would I? I curse the day he was born."

Juan flinched, a pang went through his stomach. He had heard that snark before, but it had been a while and the hurt never went away. His mother had always told him that his birth had been the reason that their father left, the day that their mother had no choice but to take care of her children alone.

Mateo jumped up, with a bang the chair landed on the ground. "If you say that one more time, I'll knock the teeth out of your mouth, you filthy whore!"

"Mat..." Juan tried to soothe him. It hadn't been that long ago that they had gotten into such a heated fight that the neighbours had called the cops and filed a complaint.

"Stay out of it!" Mateo snapped back.

"One bruise and you go to jail, remember?" his mother taunted.

"And who's going to pay for this shit hole, huh? You signin' Juan up for work?"

"Guess that birthday does work for something eh, he's old enough to contribute now. It's about time that bum to does something 'round here, he's becoming just as much of a failure as you."

Mateo snorted. "Seems like things are workin' out better for me than for you."

"You're a stain on our family and you're dragging your little brother in the same shit! Buying him that bike, what the hell were you thinking? You want him to hang out with those punks, like that little girlfriend of his?" she asked, obviously referring to Riley. "You want to end up in jail together?" Her eyes narrowed. "Is that what you're after? I know what they do in there! You think nobody will care in jail? That relationship between you two is sick and you know it!"

It felt like Mateo was growing taller. Suddenly all his muscles were tensed. "What are you sayin' now?" he asked in a dangerously low voice. "That I want to fuck my own brother?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "You're always bragging about – "

She couldn't finish her sentence. Mateo launched himself on her, shoving her to the ground, his fists following her, bashing down on her in anger.

Frozen, Juan watched the two. The words his mother spoke were so horrible and too unexpected to know how to handle. Tears jumped in his eyes as he kept staring at the two, his breathing kicking into overdrive. Something cold nestled its way inside his heart; he hoped that his brother would hurt his mother. At the same time he feared what would happen to himself and his brother if Mateo continued on; he was sure his brother would go to jail.

That thought drove him into action, he ran towards the two and tried to pull Mateo away from his mother. Her eye was swollen, her face flaming red.

"Stop!" he yelled, pulling Mateo's arm. Suddenly tears waved over his cheeks. "Stop it, both of you!" His breathing was tight in his throat, dark spots creeping into his vision.

"You're picking _her_ side?!" Mateo screamed so loud that it hurt Juan's ears.

"No! But... I don't want... I don't want you to go to jail!" He wiped his eyes.

For a moment Mateo's glance softened, then he let go of his mother, sighing, turned around and left the room.

Lost, Juan kept standing in the room. His mother stood up and grabbed his arm. "I'm serious, Juan Carlos," she hissed. "You gotta call the cops when he pulls a stunt like that, you gotta report him. No matter how many gifts he's been givin' you."

Wildly, Juan pulled back his arm. "You're insane!" he snapped. "Just because you don't give a fuck about me, doesn't mean that nobody else does!" Since he could no longer control his tears, he turned around and rushed out of the house, furiously wiping at his cheeks. Stopping between two cars he sat down on the ground, so he was out of sight. His brother was nowhere to be seen.

Shakily, he breathed out. He didn't want to be alone now. His hands were shaking as he pulled his phone from his pocket. Who could he call? Emilio? He would probably be angry enough to come over and smash his mother's face himself. June? More than ever he longed to be wrapped in her arms, for her calm voice, but she'd dropped all contact and he felt too ashamed about the situation to discuss it with her.

In the end he scrolled further down until he found Luna's name, pressing the green button. He had missed her call last night, when he had been busy with Lorraine, and he had wanted to call her back anyway.

"Hey Juan!" his sister's voice sounded. "I tried to call you yesterday, happy birthday! Did you have a good party last night?"

Juan squeezed his eyes. Now that he heard her voice, he realized how much he missed her. When she was still at home, his mother had been much easier to handle.

"Yeah, it was good," he muttered.

"You don't sound very enthusiastic?"

He sighed. "Ma and Mateo... just had a fucking heated fight. She... she..." He took a deep breath, but he couldn't repeat his mother's cruel words. Just thinking about her accusation alone made his stomach cringe. "Things are so different without you," he whispered. "I – I miss you."

"Oh Juan..." she said softly. "I'm sorry. I miss you too, hell, I even miss Mat. I'm sorry my last call was such a long time ago. Is – is mom really bad?"

He bent his head. "She isn't too happy about Mateo's newest purchases. And she – she said that she curses the day that I was born… again."

Luna sighed. "You know that's got nothing to do with you, right? That's all because of dad."

Juan bit his lip. That's not how it had sounded.

"Hey Juan... Your holidays start soon, right? Why don't you come over to my place for a few days? I'll get you a ticket." There was nervous laugh. "I uh, I've been seein' someone for a while now. Manuel. I want to introduce him to you."

"Keepin' secrets now sis? That sounds cool though!" A small smile crossed his lips.

"And what about you? You've got your eye on someone?"

As he thought about June, a blush appeared on his cheeks. "I do... but things aren't goin' very smooth. She has a crush on me too and we kissed but her uh, her friend hates me. Well, she hates Mateo. She's Katie's sister. You remember Katie?"

Luna sighed softly. "Hard to forget. I'm sorry, Juan. You think she will get over it?"

"One of her friends told me she would. But uh, things have been quiet for a while now. I try to talk to her now and then, but she's still too afraid to lose her friend." He bent his head and realized how he wished that June was with him right now.

The words of his mother and Mateo haunted him again.

 _"You want to end up in jail together? Is that what you're after?_ _I know what they do in there! You think nobody will care in jail? That relationship between you two is sick and you know it!"_

 _"What are you sayin' now? That I want to fuck my own brother?"_

Was his relationship with Mateo really so unhealthy? They were close, but _that_ close? Did others think that too? He squeezed his eyes. He shouldn't think about this, it would only drive him crazy, but his mother's words had gotten into his head and were spreading like poison.

"Juan?" Luna again. "You're still there?"

He took a deep breath. "Yeah." His voice was shaking. From the corner of his eye he saw Mateo settling down next him. "Sorry uh, gotta go." Without waiting for an answer, he ended the call.

"Who was that?"

"Luna."

He nodded slowly and stared forward. As Juan looked to the side, he noticed to his bewilderment that Mateo's eyes were red.

"Have you been cryin'?" he asked completely overwhelmed.

Mateo shrugged, avoiding eye contact. "You know... People say a lot of shit about me and I don't give a fuck. But this..." His shoulders tensed. "If she's gonna go 'round spreadin' rumors like this I'm gonna destroy her."

Juan was silent. Would their mom really do that?

"You know it's fucking bullshit, right? Just the thought of it is makin' me sick." Mateo turned his head to the side. Never before Juan had seen him so vulnerable. He wanted to wrap an arm around him, but he no longer dared after his mother's comment.

"Of course I know that," he muttered. "Maybe she's just trying to drive a wedge between us. Cause you're always havin' my back and I always got yours." He stared at his feet until another possible explanation crossed his mind. "Or maybe that's the reason we were never allowed to see uncle Hector."

Mateo looked briefly at him. "That would be so sick."

"Yeah," Juan agreed.

Just like his mother's assertion.


	38. Initiative

**T** HE PAST

From a distance, June was able to stare. He was sitting sideways on a bike, a helmet clutched between his elbow and hip. His face shone as he wildly gestured while talking to the small crowd that had gathered around him.

Tomorrow summer break would start. She had wanted to catch just one more glimpse of him, even though she was sure she would never forget his image. He looked so tough sitting on that bike, so... sexy... She felt her throat become dry as she imagined what it would be like to be on that bike with him; her arms tight around him as they sped across a deserted road along the shore.

Her daydream was brutally interrupted when a heavy hand landed on her shoulder. The smell of cigarettes tickled her nostrils and she was pulled closer to the encroacher next to her.

"We ain't gettin' jealous now, are we Junie?" Emilio's mocking voice sounded next to her. "You wishing he'd be riding you, instead of that Harley?"

With flaming cheeks, she tried to turn away from him, but he held her tight. "Yo, 'm not done talkin' to you yet."

As she looked to the side, he blew a cloud of smoke into her face.

"Let me go," she growled, coughing.

"It was a gift from his brother you know... you hear what else he bought 'm?" Emilio continued impassively. "A fuckin' hot chick. Well, actually two of 'em. My boy was kind enough to leave one of them for us to enjoying at the party, while he took the other one for himself. Fuck, you shoulda seen her tits man... they were like this big." With his free hand, he pointed out the curves, smoke curling around his fingers. "My homie got to suck on 'em so hard; he coulda done much more with 'em than he ever could with those lil tits of yours huh. And man, those hips... and her ass... she was so fuckin' hot and the lucky bastard got to fuck her brains out, we could all hear her; the bitch loved it."

Tears jumped to her eyes. She tried to tear herself away again, but his grasp around her only tightened as he moved his lips to her ear.

"So it really was for the best that you ditched him, you woulda been a fuckin' borin' lay if you even let him between your thighs and at least now he has banged a chick he doesn't need to be ashamed of." She shivered as his hot breathing touched her auricle. "Like he woulda been if it had been you."

June pressed her lips together, trying to blink away the tears. Every word hit her like a wave.

Chuckling, Emilio let go of her and winked. "But hey, keep starin' at him if you like. After the holidays, he won't even remember your name anymore. I'll make sure of that." He slammed his shoulder against hers as he walked past, heading towards his friends with his head held high.

June looked to the ground, hoping to hide the tears gliding down her cheeks and she rushed towards the school, heading for the art room where she knew Jordy had wanted to finish up some things after classes had ended.

Swallowing, she stepped into the almost empty room. Other than Jordy there were only a few others around, but when she breathed in sniffling, Jordy turned around, as if she could feel the sadness that had entered the room.

There was a smudge of green paint on her forehead, which creased as her friend took in her appearance. "Hey... what happened?"

Shakily, she breathed out. "N-nothing," she muttered. "I – I just didn't know where to go to."

"Wait, just let me get my stuff." Jordy walked back to the desk, shoved her belongings in her backpack and returned, grabbing June's hand. She took her up the stairs and settled down on the top step. Thankfully last period was over, so the halls were empty.

"What happened? Is your mom okay? Did you get a call from the nurse?"

June bent her head. "No, it's nothing like that," she muttered. "It's just... Emilio being nasty again."

Next to her, Jordy sighed softly. "It's been a few weeks since he bothered you, right?"

She shrugged. "Usually he just hisses stupid things when he goes by," she muttered. "But Juan's usually around, so he's tries to do it... quietly and quickly."

"But he wasn't around this time?"

A tear itched down her cheek. "He got a motorcycle for his birthday."

"Riley told me yeah, sounded like quite the party. She and some others bought him some lessons too. Did he get his license?"

"I guess," she muttered. "Everyone was admiring his bike. And – and I got caught up watching, from a distance. And suddenly Emilio was standing next to me, asking – asking me stupid questions. He wanted to know if I was jealous that he would be riding that bike instead of... me." Her cheeks turned red again. "I tried to push him away, but he wouldn't let go and he started talking about... about this girl who Juan... did it with. And he kept going... he really seemed to enjoy telling me what was so great about her and what was wrong with me and..." Sniffing, she wiped her eyes.

"He's just an asshole. Nothing new there, right? For all we know he might have made it up – it's Emilio, remember?"

June stared at the steps below her. "I don't think he was lying."

Jordy sighed, putting a hand on her knee. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, but this is kinda your own fault, June. He was madly in love with you – he still is. He wanted you to be his girl, but you were the one who turned him down."

"Do you think I don't know that?" she muttered. "But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to find out he's sleeping with others."

"Then do something about it, June! Go to him, ask him out! He's made enough attempts, this time it's up to you! You've ignored him for more than a month, you hurt him a lot. And for what? Has Beth been nicer to you now? I know she hasn't! You made the wrong choice, June, and you're not happy. Just go for it. We're done with school for two months; go date him. Beth won't be around to police your life, she's going to stay with her family down south."

"He probably doesn't even want me anymore," June muttered. "He's seeing someone else, remember."

"Then win him back!"

Startled, June looked to the side. Jordy had never raised her voice towards her.

"I'm serious, June. You are in love with him and nothing is going to convince me that he has suddenly developed feelings for someone else; it's a distraction at most! Just do something, for once! Show him _he's_ worth it, instead of always waiting until he takes the initiative! _You_ messed it up this time, June, it's up to _you_ to make things right!"

In silence, June stared forward. She knew that her friend was right but... "I'm scared."

"Yeah? Well get over it! You were the one who told me how lonely he was, that he had no one but Mateo and Emilio and those boys are both assholes! You told me that he needed you, well, if that's true: _be_ the girlfriend he needs, June. Just woman up for once, gather your courage and ask him out! For crying out loud; you have a hundred percent guarantee that he is going to say yes! I don't understand what you're so afraid of, I really don't."

June bit her lip. "He probably doesn't even like me anymore after how I treated him."

Jordy sighed. "Yeah he does, June. I've seen how he looks at you, how he craves for even a little bit of your attention. His feelings for you are just as strong as they were on prom night. And yours are too. So please, do something 'cause it's driving me crazy! Your happiness is just waiting to be picked up and you keep stepping over it. Pick. It. Up. June. Go do something fun together, just give him a chance."

Nervously, she fidgeted with the pendant around her neck. "But what should we do? What kind of date?"

"That's up to you, June. It should be your call, it should be something that fits for you two." Jordy grabbed her hand, giving her an intense look. "I know how shy you can be, how scared you are, but this is about your happiness. You are creating a relationship, this is something you have to do yourself. If you need help, I'll be there, but I know you are a creative girl, June, you'll come up with something. If you think of something, we can always talk about it if you want. But this idea should come from you."

* * *

It took June two weeks to decide what kind of date she wanted to ask Juan on. Right when she was starting to feel discouraged, her eyes crossed a poster that made her heart beat faster. This was it. She was sure that he would like it.

After that, she had been stuck thinking about a way to ask him out. She didn't have the nerve to call him, sending a text was trite and they didn't see each other now the school was closed for the summer.

In the end she had opted for a way that in hindsight was probably a thousand times scarier than giving him a call, but she was out of options so she continued her plan and stepped into the pizza parlour. Her eyes darted across the kitchen staff, but she didn't see him.

Her heart was pounding in her chest.

She could still back out.

Well, not _really,_ she had already bought the tickets. But she could text him. However, that was much less fun than surprising him at the night itself and she didn't think he would say no if she was already at his door. And Jordy had been right – she really had some making up to do.

Squaring her shoulders, she walked towards the counter.

"What can I do for you?" The woman behind the counter gave her a bored look.

"Uh... actually I'm looking for Mateo. Is he around?" Her voice was trembling as she said his name. Where she had found the nerve to come to this place, she still didn't know.

"He's doing deliveries. Might take a while before he gets back." Impatiently she waved to a bench in the corner. "Just wait there, if it's important."

June sat down on the bench, folding her hands in her lap. The waiting turned out to be more unnerving than anything else she had planned. She tried to practice the things she wanted to say to him in her head, but in the end all she could do was chew her fingernails.

More than half an hour later she spotted him sauntering in the front door. With his red polo shirt and baseball cap he looked less intimidating than the last time she had seen him, but as soon as his eye caught her, a dark glow crept into his eyes making her shiver.

"Well girl, you got some balls for showin' up here after you fucked over my lil brother. And not in the way we like to see happen, huh? You lookin' to start shit with me now? You know I can ruin your life right? It would be so easy, I wouldn't even have to break a sweat."

Nervously June picked her hair. Mateo hadn't lowered his voice and she felt people were looking at them.

"Can we – can we talk? Outside maybe?"

"Dunno if ya noticed, but I'm workin'."

"Just for a minute," she insisted. "Please."

He rolled his eyes, but headed outside nevertheless. Leaning against the window, he lit a cigarette. "What do you want?"

She took a deep breath. She knew it was a bald move to involve Mateo in her plans, but she was also convinced that he could make things much worse than Emilio if he _didn't_ agree with her plan. And although coming here had caused her sleepless nights, she was still hoping it would earn her a little bit of respect.

"I..." When she was about to stammer, she closed her eyes for a brief moment to control her breathing. "I want to make things right. With Juan. I was – I was stupid and I regret turning him down."

Mateo snorted. "Why the hell do you think he still wants you?"

June cringed, her stomach hurt. "I don't know if he still wants me," she murmured. "I... I just was hoping to... I want to surprise him, take him on a date, and – and show him that I'm sorry for how I acted before. And then – then he can decide for himself if he, you know, if he still wants me."

Mateo studied her face in silence, slowly letting the smoke slip between his lips. "If you hurt him again, I'm gonna hurt you worse than you ever imagined possible. Got that?"

She nodded silently, staring at her feet.

A few seconds passed by. The butt of Mateo's cigarette bounced on the ground, making her look up again.

"So what are you doin' here?"

As subtly as she could, June wiped off her clammy hands on her jeans. "Uhm, well, I hoped that you could make sure that he's home, the night I want... to take him out. So I uh, can surprise him." Heat spread across her cheeks.

Mateo raised his eyebrows. "So what's your plan? Taking him to some fancy restaurant?" He smirked. "I would recommend that you take him to one of those luxurious hotels, wear some hot little lingerie and give him the best night of his life." He held her glance for a while. "Then maybe waitin' for you instead of bangin' Lorraine might at least have been worth it."

"W-what?" she stammered.

Mateo gave her a wink. "Got him a stripper for his birthday. A hot and sweet one, perfect for his first time. But he didn't want her, was whining that he wanted you to be his first. She thought it was cute – I thought he was insane. No fuckin' way that you'll be better than her, but okay..." He shrugged. "His loss. If he's happier waitin' for a fuck with you, I'm fine with it. As long as you let him do ya."

Her cheeks started to glow even more. Had he really rejected that girl because of her? She was so overwhelmed that his last words weren't even able to wipe the smile from her face. She caught a glimpse of Mateo's boss, casting them impatient looks.

"No uh, I have no hotel or restaurant plans," she muttered, now wondering if her own idea was stupid. "There's this gig of one of our favorite bands. It's next week and I scored two tickets... So – so I wanted to take him there."

Mateo's eyebrows raised again. "That's it? You think that will do it? Girl, you should at least take off something if you wanna make up with him. I don't think baby brother's gonna want _just_ a concert, you gotta give him at least a striptease or somethin'."

June couldn't help rolling her eyes, the fact that he was thinking that sex was the only way to show regret, was starting to annoy her. "That's something between Juan and me. Will you help me out or not? If not, I'll ask Emilio."

Of course she was bluffing – Emilio was the last person on earth she would ask for help. But the suggestion caused a frown on Mateo's forehead, where after he nodded. "Fine, I can make sure he's home. When?"

"Next Wednesday."

"Kay." Before he turned around, his eyes wandered across her body. "Put on something nicer than this for that date. I don't want people to make fun of my brother for goin' round with an Eskimo... That dress you wore to prom, it showed that you have some nice tits and a nice ass under all those layers, just give my brother something to show off will ya?"

June stared at him in shock, by reflex crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Mateo chuckled softly and turned around. "See you next week, June."


	39. A New Beginning

**THE PAST**

The atmosphere at home hadn't improved over the past weeks. While his brother and mother hadn't gotten into another fight, the words she had spoken still lingered in the air. Everyone was walking on eggshells and he knew the bomb could ignite at any moment.

School break wasn't helping things either, it condemned him to the house even more now that he couldn't escape to his classes. During the hours that his mother was home, he had taken to avoiding her by locking himself up in his room to play some video games or he would slip out to see Emilio. Even though his mother had insisted on taking a job as a dishwasher at one of the nearby restaurants, it proved to be a good way to get away, even if it was boring as hell and gross.

"You ever hear from that redhead again by the way? That stripper?" Emilio's voice dragged him out of his thoughts. Juan turned away from the computer screen to watch his friend, who was sprawled across his bed, flipping through a magazine.

Frowning, as he looked at the naked woman on the cover. "You seriously brought that here to read?"

"Yeah dude. My mom freaked on me last week. Noah found one of these and the lil' shit thought she was being funny and cut out some pictures, stuck them to the fridge." He chuckled at the memory. "Mom found them right before some of their friends showed up. She was furious, turned my whole room upside down and threw 'em all away."

Juan grinned and thought about Emilio's six year old sister. "You probably have scarred that girl by now."

"Not my fault. I've been askin' for a lock on my door for ages and I've told her a thousand times to stay away from my stuff." Nevertheless, there was a wide grin on his face. With a tilted head he looked back to the dirty magazine, then he turned it towards Juan. "Left or right?"

Juan looked briefly at the naked girls. "Right... I guess."

Emilio smirked. "Seems like you're finally improving in your tastes."

"You won't find my taste in a magazine like that."

"Guess you're right. Can't imagine June bein' in one. Unless they do some kind of chastity edition." He started to laugh. "Oh I can already picture it. Her in –"

"We agreed not to talk about her anymore, remember?" The mentioning of her name had already caused a jolt of pain to course through his stomach.

Emilio rolled his eyes. "You didn't answer my other question either – did you get to do it again with that chick?"

"No."

That however didn't mean that he hadn't seen her again; no less than three times had she had surprised him as she left Mateo's room. Contrary to all the other chicks he had slept with, he hadn't kicked her out before the sun came up and he hadn't even been bothered that she hung around in the morning for a cup of coffee before she left.

Juan wasn't happy about it at all. Every time he saw her, he remembered that night. How he had moaned June's name as Lorraine had blew him, and how she had gotten him to slobber all over her like some well trained puppy. The memory of it still left a bad taste in his mouth.

"Maybe she's gonna be your surprise. Get to practice your skills," his friend grinned.

Juan knew that Mateo's surprise was the reason that Emilio was still at his house; he surely hoped for a stripper or access to some exclusive party. Earlier today his friend had asked him if he wanted to go to the pool hall that night but he had turned him down; a few days ago Mateo had told him to keep this evening free and when he had told Emilio, his friend had practically invited himself for the surprise.

Juan had no idea what to expect – his brother's bizarre ideas weren't exactly a rarity and most times he looked back to a good night. He would just wait patiently.

* * *

Around five, Juan heard the doorbell ring. Mateo had mentioned that he had ordered a few pizzas and Juan could already feel his stomach grumbling in anticipation.

"You got it?" Mateo asked, busy on his phone.

Juan nodded and stood up, heading towards the front door and swung it open absentmindedly. The moment he saw who was on the other side though, he was petrified. His heart crashed into his chest, his mouth felt dry. His hand gripped the door-frame, he was afraid he would collapse without its support.

"Hey..." Her voice was shaking, and she looked nervous.

"Hey..." His own voice didn't sound much firmer than hers. Quickly he stepped outside and closed the door behind him, before Emilio or Mateo could discover that it wasn't the pizza guy who was at the door. "How uh, how are you?" he asked, running a nervous hand across his head. He couldn't keep his eyes off her. She looked beautiful, she was wearing a black summer dress that just reached her knees, and was covered in little musical notes. As his gaze drifted he took in her dark leggings and his favourite All-Stars. The print of her dress and the red jacket she wore were more colourful than any other piece of cloth he had seen her wear and he couldn't help but think that it suited her as it made her face look more lively. She was like a butterfly after leaving its cocoon. As a caterpillar she had been beautiful, even with her ordinary grey clothes, but right now she looked so stunning that he was sure she could even silence Emilio.

"Juan..." She looked up to him. A shiver travelled through his body as she spoke his name. "I – I'm sorry. About how I've acted the past few weeks. I... I'm not sure if you'd be willing to give me another chance but –"

"I would give you a hundred chances," he blurted out before he realized, his cheeks getting warm. _Could you sound even more desperate?_

However, he was able to see the relief cross her face. He heard how the nervousness was speeding up her breathing as she took a hesitant step towards him. For a moment he hoped that she would grab his hand, or that she would caress his face, but in the end she intertwined her fingers in front of her and looked up to him. "Can I take you on a date? To-tonight?"

She dropped her eyes, courage gone, as her cheeks nearing the colour of her hair. She looked so unbelievably sweet that butterflies were dancing through his veins. All the anger he had felt towards her, fluttered away. He gathered his own courage and tried to look confident, hoping it would encourage her to do the same.

"Maybe..." he answered, trying to be as nonchalant as he could.

She looked up, her eyes skittish.

"If you give me a kiss."

With a nervous movement she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She seemed too nervous to realize that he was just teasing her and with that thought the corner of his mouth lifted. "Later tonight is fine too," he winked.

"O-okay." She answered, focusing back onto the ground as an awkward silence fell. Feeling embarrassed, Juan searched for the right words, but before he could find them, she suddenly stepped forward and hugged him.

A little stunned he wrapped his arms around her as she pressed her face into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I was so stupid," she whispered. "Please let me make things right."

Burying his hand in her hair, he kissed her forehead. For a moment he closed his eyes, breathing in her scent, feeling her body pressed against his. Unbelievable. It was unbelievable that she was suddenly standing here, allowing him to hold her. He had given up all hope – and all of a sudden, there she was standing on his front step. She had come to his _house_!

Suddenly something dawned on him. "Did you – did you arrange this with Mateo?" he asked overwhelmed.

She let go of him. Distracted, their hands laced and Juan noticed how her breathing faltered.

"I wanted to make sure that you would be home, so I went to his work last week. Jordy had asked Riley where I could find him."

Surprised, he stared her in the eye. "But – you hate him."

"I don't hate him, Juan. He might act like a jerk, but I don't hate him. And in the end, he decided to help me."

He didn't know why, but for some reason the thought that she didn't hate his brother, hit him hard. By reflex, he cupped her jaw with his hand, pressing his forehead against hers. Now that she stood so close again, his heart started to beat frantically. He gently took her wrist and led her hand to his chest.

"You feel that?" he whispered.

She looked up to him, with those breath-taking eyes of hers.

"It's pounding like crazy because of you."

Her lips parted slightly, her breathes escaping in little jolts. Her thumb brushed his shirt while she flattened her fingers against his chest. "Why?" she asked almost breathlessly. "Why do you like me so much? I just... don't get it."

He brushed his thumb across her bottom lip without taking his eyes away from her. "Because you have such a big heart. Because I can't think straight anymore when I see you smile. Because everyone around me has a short temper, you are so calm and kind. Because you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Because my knees get weak at your slightest touch; there are so many more reasons – and I'm sure the list will grow, that I'll discover new ones everyday as I get to know you better."

Tears gathered in her eyes, and a nervous knot appeared in his stomach. Didn't she believe him?

"You really believe all those things? Even after – after I turned you down?"

"Yes, June," he said firmly. "You have no idea how much it means to me that you've showed up at my door."

Her hand glided up his chest along his neck and settled on the back of his head. Again his heart skipped a beat as her face came closer. Her lips touched his, pressing against them. His fingers glided through her hair, and he wove the strands around them. Excitement spread through his body as they allowed each other between their lips, his tongue dancing around hers and once again he was flooded with the feelings she shook up inside him.

He loved her. He could feel it in his fingertips, in his toes. He wanted her – and he never wanted to lose her again.

After the kiss she pulled back, a fresh blush on her cheeks, and she took a moment to pull herself together again. "Uhm, well, I had some plans for tonight and I really hope you're going to like them." She glanced at her watch. "But we should go now. Well uhm – if you want too, of course."

Her insecurities were starting to frustrate him, but he tried to shake it off. "I can't wait. You've made me very curious." He gave her a wink and grabbed her hand. "Where do you want us to go? Wanna call a cab? You don't have a license, right?"

She shook her head. "I thought uhm, maybe we can go on your bike?" She bit her lip. "If you have two helmets."

"Yeah, I got those." The back of his fingers slowly moved up across her hand while he kept her glance. "You know, every time I'm riding, I imagine that you're sitting behind me, your arms tight around me."

"I... might have daydreamed about that too," she admitted quietly. "Ever since I saw you on that bike."

Warmth filled his chest. "When did you see me on my bike?" he asked surprised.

Her cheeks turned red again. "The last day of school. I uh, noticed you from across the parking lot."

"I hadn't even noticed." He looked over his shoulder and realized he had shut himself out. "I got to go get my keys and helmets. Am I going to need anything else?"

"No, that's all."

"Okay. You can come in if you want, but you should know that Mateo and Emilio are both inside."

"Uh, I'll wait here."

Secretly he was a little relieved, afraid that an encounter with either would make her crawl back into her shell. After giving her a quick kiss, he turned towards the door and rang the bell. It took a few minutes before Mateo opened the door. His curious eyes landed on June, and he even gave her a wink.

"You two leavin'?"

Juan nodded. "Just need my keys and helmets." He walked past his brother into the hallway, grabbed his stuff and decided to say goodbye to his friend before he left.

With an annoyed face, Emilio was sitting on the couch, his feet on the coffee table. "That asshole wouldn't tell me anythin'. What the hell is goin' on?"

"It's June." He tried to cover up his wide grin, but it was impossible.

Emilio raised his eyebrows. "The fuck is she doin' here?"

"She came to apologize and to take me on a date."

"Ah. To the library?"

Juan rolled his eyes. "Bein' happy for me wouldn't hurt ya, ya know that?"

"If she doesn't dump you before you get the chance to finally bang 'er, I'll be happy for you."

"Right. Cause that really is the most important thing in the world."

"Thought it would be after that first time of yours. Was mind blowing, huh? Thought you would want to do every hot chick after that."

"Lorraine and I didn't do it, okay?" he grunted. "June's the one I want." With his eyes he signalled to the front door. "And I plan to make her mine."

"Are you fuckin' serious? You didn't do her? Dude, you're a fuckin' idiot!"

"I'm not. I'm in love. With June. And I don't give a shit what you think about it or what you would have done. As long as you don't turn into a bitch like Beth."

Emilio's jaws tensed, then he shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever man. Have fun. Would be nice if you told me anythin' about her for a change. Maybe then I would finally understand what you see in her."

"You don't have to understand it."

"I _want_ to understand it! I want to like her, okay? For you. But the only thing I ever see is her staring at the ground and ignoring me and meanwhile she's a total bitch to you."

Juan sighed. He had no idea what to say to him. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Then I'll tell you everythin' you wanna know."

Emilio grinned. "Awesome. Now, go to her. Before you brother wraps her around his finger."

Juan chuckled softly. They may have many insecurities – but her suddenly falling in love with his brother wasn't one of them.


	40. First Date

**THE PAST**

With a shoulder leaning against the door frame, Mateo watched his little brother head into the living room. Once the coast was clear he grabbed the side of her unzipped jacket and pulled at it so that he could get a look at what she was wearing underneath – or well, maybe not just her clothes... it felt like he was only judging if the dress accentuated her breasts well enough. Wronged she slapped his hand away.

He chuckled. "Good girl. I'm glad ya took my advice." His gaze wandered across her body and nervously she stared past him, impatiently waiting for Juan's return. "Is me checkin' you out makin' you nervous? Hope not, cause I can guarantee you that my lil bro wants to be doin' a little more than just watching ya. Boy can't wait to feel those curves of yours."

June felt her cheeks glow and her mouth go dry.

Right when Mateo was about to add more to his statement, Juan stepped into the hallway again, the helmets in his hands. Mateo gave her a wink and headed back into the house.

Juan closed the door behind him and studied her face. Her cheeks still had to be red; she could almost see them light up. "Was he bein' an ass again?"

She dropped her eyes.

"June..." Cupping her heated cheek with his hand, he waited until she looked up. "What did he say to you?"

"Nothing. Forget about it."

"If you don't tell me, I'm gonna go ask him myself. I can see that you're upset."

With her fingernail June picked at the zipper. The last thing she wanted, was for Juan to go back inside to ask Mateo. Especially since Emilio was hanging around. They would find it hilarious that she couldn't handle a little bit of teasing.

"Your brother... checked me out and asked if it made me feel nervous, he mentioned that uh, that you wanted something more than just watching. That you uh, wanted to touch... my curves." Her breathing faltered and she stared at the ground again.

To her surprise, he chuckled softly and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. "Well, I'd be lyin' if I'd denied that." Lightly, his lips touched the tip of her nose as he gave her a small kiss, his eyes sparkling. "But not tonight, sweet June, and not until you want that too. I know Mat and Emilio might only be able to think of one thing when they're alone with a beautiful girl... but I enjoy just bein' with you. Holdin' you or just talkin' to you... All that other stuff... We'll get there later. I hope." Now his cheeks did turn darker. "I mean, if you like me long enough for us to get to that."

His words had her speechless. Again and again he surprised her by saying all those sweet words... she had never expected that from him and sometimes she wondered if this was all a dream.

Her own fantasies of them had been limited to innocent things like walking hand in hand, or kissing and lying in each other's arms, but for a moment she wondered how it would feel if his hands glided across her stomach, or maybe even her breasts. Feeling hot immediately, she stepped back without thinking, breaking out of his embrace.

"June..." He sighed and sounded a little frustrated. "I didn't wanna scare you. I just – wanna be honest with you. Please don't be mad or scared or anything; I just wanted to let you know 'cause I... well, 'cause I long for you. It feels like I've had this crush on you for ages. I know it's gonna take time before you're ready for things like that and I really don't mind. I'll be happy with whatever, I just want you."

Now he was the one staring at the ground.

Again his words called up a torrent of warm feelings inside her. Now it was her turn, she had to be honest too. "I'm not mad," she said quietly. "I uh, your words just got me all hot when you... said that." Her voice was shaking. It felt like she was once again ruining the most simple of things. "That's why I stepped away, to um, keep myself from melting cause I was standing so close to you."

Juan looked up, his brown eyes resting on hers. The way he looked at her, it chased goose bumps across her arms – in the best way. It was so different from how his brother had looked at her. A little awkwardly they looked at each other, both with a hint of red on their cheeks and shy smiles adorning their lips. For a moment she thought that Juan wanted to say something else, but in the end he only took a deep breath.

June broke the magical moment and stood a little straighter. "I think, I think we should get going. It isn't around the corner and you haven't eaten yet, right?"

"Nah, I'm starvin'," he admitted. His hand slipped into hers. "My bike's in the backyard."

Through a narrow alley they walked towards the gate along the garden wall. The door creaked as Juan swung it open. It was a small garden, with a shed that looked like it could collapse any moment and didn't provide enough space for the bike. The vehicle stood next to it, surrounded by the weeds.

"It's a bit of a mess," he muttered. "We kinda lack a green thumb in the family."

June shrugged. "It's a jungle at our place too. We lack the time."

He looked to the side, flashing her a crooked smile and handing her the helmet. Then he unlocked his bike and carefully began the process of rolling it backwards, out of the yard.

When June went to close the gate, her eyes caught Emilio on the other side of the window. With a cheeky grin he waved at her, a mocking glance in his eyes. She swallowed a sigh. She knew she had no choice; she would have to learn how to deal with Emilio.

Closing the gate behind her, she left the alley. Juan was already waiting for her on the side of the road. Nervously she fastened the helmet and sat down behind him. She scooted closer to him, wrapping her arms tight around his waist. Her head was spinning when she felt his back pressed against her stomach, her thighs pressed against his hips.

"You ready?" he asked, looking over his shoulder.

She nodded.

"Where uh, where do you want me to go?"

"Just take the Grand Central Parkway to Manhattan. I'll navigate you once we're there, it isn't a difficult route."

His fingertips caressed the back of her hand. "Man, you do like surprises huh?"

"Only if it's a surprise for someone else," she chuckled.

"Thought so. Well, next time it's my turn to take you somewhere without tellin' you shit."

His sparkling eyes however showed her he that liked the surprise and she snuggled up closer to him. Knowing that she was going to be sitting so close to him for at least forty minutes... That alone made this the best day of her life.

"As long as we take your bike you can take me any place you want," she murmured against his back.

His hand glided across her thigh and settled on her knee. "I would take you to the other side of the world if you'd ask me."

She chuckled. "Well, let's start with Manhattan. Let's see if I can get there without having a heart attack."

For even though it was exciting, and she was nervous – he had just gotten his license. But he wasn't reckless and with her arms wrapped around him, she had the feeling that nothing would happen to them.

"Are you nervous?"

Her hand glided to his sides and squeezed. "When am I not nervous," she joked.

Before his hands moved to the handle bars, he squeezed her knee and then they were off.

* * *

The ride was everything she had expected and more. Moving so fast, their bodies pressed together and trusting his skills, gave her a feeling of intimacy that was hard to describe. She knew that she was no daredevil, always staying on the path set before her, but being on the back of his motorcycle caused an excited tingle in her stomach and the faster they rode, the better it felt and the tighter she held him.

A big smile adorned her face as they reached their destination. Juan turned off the engine, and turned towards her showing her a smile that almost made her heart explode.

He unstrapped his helmet and June did the same. "And?! Did you like it?"

"I loved it!"

For a moment he held her glance. She saw the longing in his eyes; she felt it too. He turned more towards her, a little clumsily because they were still on the bike and June stretched her neck until their lips connected. When he tried to deepen the kiss, the bike shifted and quickly he turned back, regaining his balance before they fell. Which while unfortunate would have been typical for them. Placing an arm around him for support, she slid off the Harley, a blush on her cheeks.

Juan locked his bike, put away the helmets and stood straight. His thumb brushed her cheek, his gleaming eyes telling her that he still wanted that kiss and right now there was nothing June wanted more than to taste his lips again.

Although she knew it was coming, she was still surprised by the feel of his mouth; it felt like little jolts were spreading through her body. Not knowing what to do with her hands, she placed them on his lower back, pulling him closer. She was very aware of every spot he touched; whether it were his eager lips, the thumb rubbing her cheek or the feel of his waist pressing against hers – where she was able to feel something growing as their kiss was became more intense, his fingers raking through her hair.

The kiss faltered as she became aware of his excitement and the muscles in her arms tensed.

With a red face, Juan broke away from the kiss. "Sorry," he muttered, taking a step back.

There was no way that her own cheeks were less red than his. She dropped her eyes, but that only allowed for her gaze to settle on the bulge in his pants and she felt herself get even hotter.

It was something natural, she knew that. He couldn't help it and it would have been weird if he had fallen for her without feeling attracted to her. Still it was a strange thought that she was turning him on – it was just something that had never happened to her before.

"I uh, I'm sorry... I'm afraid that is gonna happen a whole lot more," he muttered, his hand still tangled in her hair. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You are really, really beautiful, June. Sometimes thinking about you is enough to..." He swallowed the rest of the sentence, nervously clearing his throat as he realized what he was about to say.

June looked up to him, to his heated face. He was so different than all the guys he hung out with, the ones who would rather brag about this than feel awkward.

"It uh, it's okay," she murmured. "It probably would have been weird if you didn't... you know. I'm just not used to it. To any of this." Nervously she bit her lip.

"Neither am I."

There was something fragile about his tone, that made her cuddle up to him again, ignoring what had startled her a minute ago and hold him close. "All this feels still so surreal."

He chuckled. "Yeah, it does. Jordy told me you would change your mind, but I had given up hope when summer break started." His thumb moved up and down her spine, sending shivers through her whole body. "What made you change your mind?"

She looked up to him, not sure if she dared to answer that question. She however didn't want to lie and she couldn't ignore him, so she thought of the best way to explain. "It was actually because of Emilio."

Surprised, he raised his eyebrows.

"On the last day of school... when I was watching you with your new bike. He eh, caught me staring and he told me about the presents that your brother had bought you for your birthday. Umm... not just the bike and uh, that made me upset. But when I was talking to Jordy about it all after, she told me that it was my own fault that you uh, that you had the chance to do it with someone else."

"He can be such a dick," Juan grunted, his face gloomy.

June shrugged her shoulders. "Guess I needed it. It – it hurt and Jordy convinced me that it was up to me to... change the situation."

A silence fell. Juan looked skittishly at her, then he cleared his throat. "Mateo hired a couple strippers. But I didn't want to eh, do that with her so we just pretended we were doin' it." His eyes flashed to the side and the fact that he didn't look her in the eye, gave her the feeling that he regretted that night. "We weren't really doin' anythin'... we were just talkin' and I told her about you... that I was hoping that you'd be my first. And uhm, I'm still hoping for that."

June swallowed. Again it felt like lava was flowing through her veins. She gathered her courage and answered: "I want you to be my first too. But uhm, in time."

A wide smile almost split his face. Still there was something reluctant about his attitude. "Do you – do you believe me? Despite what Emilio said?"

June nodded. "Actually I already knew. Mateo told me. That you – that you wanted to wait for me. When I went to his work. He uh, he wanted me to make things up with you by uh... you know, but I'm not really ready for that so I'm hoping you'll like this too."

His fingertips travelled across her jaw. "Even if this was the end of our date, it's been amazing." He glanced at his watch. "It's almost half past seven. We aren't going to be late for anything, right?"

It was later than she expected. The doors of the concert hall would open in about half an hour, but there was an opening act before the main event would start.

"Yeah, let's eat. I uh, I heard the food is good over there." She pointed at a small restaurant at the corner.

"Vegetarian?" he asked surprised as they walked towards it.

"Uhm yeah, I hope you don't mind. If you do we eh, we can go somewhere else."

"No girl, that's ridiculous." His hand glided around her waist and he squeezed her hip. "My brother and friends are always draggin' me to snackbars and pizzerias." Puffing out his stomach, he rubbed it with his hand. "Some healthy shit won't hurt." He smirked. "You're a vegetarian?"

June nodded. "Ever since I was a little girl."

He smiled as their eyes met, giving her a brief kiss on her cheek. "I'm so happy that I finally have the chance to get to know you."

Absent-mindedly, she stroked the knuckles lying on her hip. "Me too. You're so much sweeter than I ever thought."

He let out a soft laugh, giving her a wink that made her glow from top to toe. "Only for you."


	41. Always

**THE PAST**

Arm stretched across the table he held her hand, his thumb rubbing up and down, caressing her knuckle. Even though his hold was gentle, he rambled enthusiastically about the trouble he had gotten into with Emilio at the start of summer when they had gone out to eat something. But after they were done they realized that neither of them had brought money. Instead of calling their parents or friends, to help them out they had thought up this elaborate plan to sneak out of the restaurant. When Emilio accidentally ran down an old lady and Juan went to help her get up, the owner grabbed the collar of his shirt. Miraculously, the man didn't call the cops on them, or their parents but he did force Juan and Emilio to come in and clean the place for a week.

June couldn't take her eyes off him. His eyes were shining as he was telling his story, with wild gestures of his hands, forgetting about the fact that their fingers were laced. Every time he laughed, June felt heat settle in her stomach and started to hate the table between them more and more; all she wanted was cuddle up to him, as close as she could. He was just so – so amazing. And he had fallen for her. She was still having a hard time believing; it felt like she was trapped in her own fantasy.

Her eyes were drawn back to their laced fingers. If they were back in school, or around his friends, would he act the same as he was now? So sweet, with all those gentle touches? She doubted it – the side he was showing her probably hadn't been seen by many. It made her feel special, but at the same time she feared that he might be consumed by that alternate version.

When the waitress put their meals on the table, the thought floated away. Juan wasted no time and dug in immediately, giving her a thumbs up. "Damn, this tastes fuckin' good. Are you all vegetarians at home?"

"I'm actually the only one. When I was seven my mom bought me a rabbit and ever since I refuse to eat meat." She laughed softly, taking a bite of her pasta.

A silence fell. The look in Juan's eyes told her that he was lost in thought. She squeezed his hand until his focus returned. "What are you thinking of?"

"Hmm, you just made me remember the bed in your living room. And – Jordy told me that your father left you. I guess I was thinking that talking about families is something one does on a first date... but I don't want you to get sad."

June dropped her eyes. Talking about her father, about her mother... that was a painful topic. She might ruin the whole evening. On the other hand; it was an important topic, especially because from her understanding, his family wasn't much more stable than hers.

"At least there will be some distraction later tonight," she muttered. Her eyes were aimed at the pasta. She wasn't very hungry anymore, although she kept taking small bites. "Two years ago my mother was diagnosed with ALS. It's a neurological disease that causes the death of neurons controlling the muscles. It starts with exhaustion and weak muscles, but in the end all her muscles will paralyze."

She looked up. Juan stared at her, his face pale. "Shit June... that's... that's horrible. I don't know what to say. Does that mean that... that she..."

"There is no cure. The life expectancy of an ALS patient is between three and five years." She bent her head. "So three more years at most and then she will be... gone. Probably even earlier." Pressing her lips together, she took a deep breath, avoiding his glance. She didn't want his pity, she would probably start to cry.

"And there's no meds to slow it down?"

"We can't afford them," she muttered.

"Oh baby..." His voice sounded shaky. The chair shoved to the side and a moment later he was sitting next to her, pulling her into his arms.

Leaning into his embrace, she closed her eyes. A few tears found their way between her eyelashes, but after a few deep breaths she had regained control over her emotions.

"I'm so sorry you have to go through all that."

She pulled back from his arms, with her thumb she wiped a tear from his cheek. "This is just the way things are," she sighed. "If my mom's health gets worse, I will have to take care of her and I don't know – I don't know if there will still be time left for you."

"Don't say things like that, June." He laid a hand against her cheek and looked her in the eye. "If your mother needs help, I will be there for her too. You – you don't have to do this alone. Just ask me if there's anything you need." A blush spread across his cheeks. "I would do anything for you, June. Anything."

A lump appeared in her throat. Inside her, there was so much heat bubbling up that she didn't know what to do with it. Softly she kissed his lips in a silent thank you.

"Come on, dinner is getting cold. Your first vegetarian meal should be a good one."

He gave her a slight smile, caressed her cheek with his thumb and sat down across from her again. "Are there no other family members around?"

"Not really. My mom's parents live in Texas and they don't have the money to travel across the country. My dad's mom stops by now and then, but she is already working two jobs."

"And your dad?" he asked softly. "You ever see him?"

"I don't want to see him," she said embittered. "He tries to reach out, every few months he will call, but I never want to see him again." She only realized that she was squeezing her fork when her hand started to hurt and tried to relax a little. "He took it hard when he heard my mother's diagnosis. He – he found solace with another woman. He broke my mom's heart, right when she needed him the most." She wiped a few tears from her cheeks. "I will never forgive him. He let us all down."

She breathed heavily. Even Juan's fingers that were stroking her hand, couldn't soothe her.

"My father walked out on us too."

His fragile voice made her look up again. When she saw the pain on his face, her own pain faded. It was replaced by a strange feeling, that he understood her grief, and knew her pain. Her friends were always trying to be there for her, but in order to know how it felt to be abandoned by your own father, one had to experience it. At every milestone in her life, there was this nagging feeling in her stomach because her father wasn't around.

"Do you know why he left?" she asked quietly.

For a while he ate in silence. "He left the day that I was born. He... He didn't want me." He swallowed and stared into his food. "Luna told me that he didn't want any other children after she was born. My mom did though, so she stopped taking the pill without telling him and got pregnant with Mateo. When she wanted another one a few years later, she pulled the same stunt. My dad had gotten tired of her games and left. He didn't even want to see me, didn't want to hold me..."

"Jeez..." This time, it was June who didn't know what to say. She lifted his hand and leaned forward to press her lips to the back of it. "But at least your mom still wanted you, right?"

He let out a cynical laugh that gave her a cramping feeling in the stomach. "She regretted her actions. Regretted my existence. She doesn't even celebrate my birthday, she rather pretends that I was never born. She curses that day, even out loud. Turns out it was the games, the attention that she wanted. Not another child." He dropped his eyes. "I hate being home when she's there. Mateo and her are always in a fight and if Mateo lays into her one more time he's gonna get sent to jail and..." He breathed in sharply, wiping his eyes. "And I didn't want to tell you all this shit yet," he murmured. "My family is just so fucked up."

June felt the longing to sit down on his lap, to take his face between her hands and give him a real tender kiss, but she lacked the courage now they were sitting in the middle of a restaurant. Instead, she stirred her food and tried to find the right words to cheer him up. She couldn't find any. She felt guilty about it – it was really bothering him, otherwise he wouldn't have brought it up.

"I don't know how I can help you with this," she said in the end, looking up to him again. "But if you ever feel the need to come and talk about it all, or if you just need a hug... then I really want to be there for you."

He took both of her hands, pressing them against his lips. There was no need for him to say anything; she could feel her fingers absorbing his gratitude.

After clearing his throat, his lips bent into a smile again. "Well, we're past the misery now. For the rest of the night we only talk about nice things, okay? Are you going to tell me what the rest of the evening will look like?"

"Nope," she answered with a teasing smile. "But the longer we take now, the bigger the chance that we will miss it!"

. . .

Still a little nervous she peeked at him out of the corner of her eyes as they were walking hand in hand towards the concert hall. Since the opening act was already halfway done, it was quiet and they were able to walk to the entrance immediately.

June took the tickets out of her purse and gave them to him when she noticed that he wasn't as enthusiastic as she had expected him to be. Surprised, he took them from her.

"Holy shit June," he stammered as he glanced at them. "I thought we were heading for the Hard Rock Cafe over there. Are we – are we really goin' to Bon Jovi?" With his large, brown eyes he stared at her, his mouth half open.

"Yes," she smiled.

"The – the real one?"

She chuckled softly. "Yeah the real one."

She had barely finished the sentence when she felt his lips on hers. She wavered backwards until her back bumped against the wall. His hands were slowly gliding up and down her sides and hips and every time she felt the pressure of his fingers increase, she kissed him back more fiercely.

When he was getting breathless, he pulled her close. "God girl, I love you so fuckin' much." Immediately he stepped back, his cheeks all rosy. "Shit, sorry," he muttered. "I... I got carried away."

June didn't know all too well what he was apologizing for; the wild way he had kissed her or the words that had followed, but both made butterflies race through her body.

"I'm glad you like it."

With a smile that lit up his whole face, he grabbed her hand. His excitement vibrated through his whole body as they went inside and got their tickets checked.

"I've never been at a concert before," he said. "There was never anyone I could take with me. Oh, this is so cool June. I never would have expected this at all."

Chuckling softly, she handed her jacket to the woman in front of the coat check as they entered the dim hall. They stood still at the back of the room. "Once they break between bands, everyone will probably head out to get another beer, we can try to get a little closer to the stage then."

His arm glided around her waist, his hand resting on her hip. "You surprise me again. I never thought you'd feel comfortable at a rock concert. You've been to many?"

"Jordy takes me to see her bands now and then. I always enjoy myself, but this is the first time that I'll get to see one of my own favorite bands."

His answer was drowned out by a loud applause; apparently the opening act had just played their final song. Soon after, the crowded started to spread and June and Juan walked closer to the stage, until they found a good spot.

"Do you mind waiting here? I want to go get us a drink," he asked after a while. "Otherwise, I'm afraid we are gonna end up in the back again."

June nodded. He leaned into her to give her a brief kiss, then he blended into the crowd on his way to the bar. June's lips still weren't used to his, they were tingling again. That kiss had felt so natural, as if they were a real couple. Would he want that already? Jordy had been on plenty of dates, but her relationships could be counted on one hand. June decided just to wait to see what would happen; so far everything was going really well.

With her eyes aimed at the stage, she listened to the background music while waiting for Juan. It however didn't take long before another boy started talking to her.

"You're not going to tell me that a pretty girl like you is here all alone, right?" He lifted the corner of his mouth.

June felt a little nervous. He was at least five years older than her and even though he gave her a friendly smile, she didn't feel comfortable. Her encounters with Rodey, Mateo and Emilio hadn't exactly improved her confidence around boys, or her trust in them.

"Oh no," she forced herself to say. "I'm here with a friend. He's getting us some drinks."

He nodded, that knowledge didn't seem to bother him. "You liked the opening act?"

June relaxed a bit as she realized that he was just being nice; maybe he was just bored waiting for the band to start. "We actually missed it. Did you like it?"

The conversation continued. June had the feeling that he was getting closer to her the whole time, but maybe that was because it was too noisy to hear each other easily. Still she startled when an arm glided around her waist. Before she could panic though, a coke was pushed into her hand, and she realized that Juan had come back. His fingers curled around her hip as he pulled her a little closer – and away from the other guy. The dark look in his eyes scared her a bit, until she realized it was the young man he was glaring at.

The man smirked. "I thought you said you were here with a _friend_. Is he your boyfriend?"

"Umm, well w–"

"Yeah, I am," Juan answered at the same time.

A little overwhelmed she looked at him, but his eyes were still fixed on the other boy; the fact that he was much younger, clearly didn't bother him. For what felt like ages the two seemed to be locked a staring contest, but in the end the man briefly glanced at her and walked away.

"Sorry," Juan muttered as he turned his attention back to her. "I didn't like the way he was lookin' at you." He dipped his head and pressed a kiss to her shoulder, next to the strap of her dress. "And maybe I'm a little jealous too," he admitted, blushing.

June turned her head and kissed his temple; his lips were still touching her shoulder. Actually, she thought it was kinda cute that he was a bit possessive – and did he really consider himself as her boyfriend now? She was still contemplating whether she should say something about it when the lighting changed and the band entered the stage. Around her people started to cheer and applaud, and June was also clapping her hands enthusiastically.

Immediately the first song started; _It's My Life._ Music had always had a liberating influence on her; she forgot her sorrows, her insecurities as she sang along, jumped with the others and she was smiling every time her eyes met Juan's. When people behind them started to push around, Juan wrapped his arm around her tightly, shielding her from the jostling.

They enjoyed it – both of them. Their eyes were shining, their smiles genuine. Her heart pounded in her chest as the singer announced that they would play a ballad; and that everyone who had came with someone special tonight, should hold them close.

Juan didn't hesitate. He stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. As the song started, she leaned against him, softly whispering the lyrics of _Always._ Slowly they danced while the people around them were raising their lighters.

It was such an intense moment, with a song that caused goosebumps to raise across her arms and with Juan holding her so close, a lump appeared in her throat. Her breathing faltered as she felt his lips on her shoulder. Slowly they climbed higher across her neck. Her fingers caressed his hands and she closed her eyes, enjoying the strong feelings he called up inside her.

Softly, he sang in her ear: "I'll be there till the stars don't shine, 'til the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme. I know when I die you'll be on my mind, and I'll love you... always."

Although he was just singing along, she hoped with her whole heart that he meant those words. That he would stay with her. Always.

As if his thoughts travelled along the same path, he turned her around when the song was over. His eyes were vivid as he looked at her, but his shaky breathing brushing her lips told her how nervous he felt.

"Do you wanna be mine, June?" he asked. His fingers were trembling against her back. "Do you want to be my girl? I – I really want you to be. I want you so bad. I want to hold you like this every day, I want to taste your skin every day, and I want to wake up every morning knowing that you're mine. And that I'm yours."

June stared at him, speechless. Even the music, that usually made her forget about everything, was silenced. Was he – was he really saying all those things?

His eyes were wide and expectant, his breathing leaving his lips with little jolts – he was nervously awaiting her answer.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, her forehead resting against his as he dipped his head. "Yes, I want that. I want to be your girl. I want – I want you to be my boyfriend. More than anything."

The blinding smile that he responded with made her knees feel weak. Gently his lips touched hers, before they lost themselves in a kiss that no melody in the world could put an end to.


	42. Standing Up

**THE PAST**

As they made their way closer to their neighborhood, Juan stopped the bike and turned towards June. A swarm of butterflies travelled through his stomach when he saw her radiant face. He put that smile there. She was so happy because of him – it was almost hard to believe. Only this morning he had been trying to convince himself that he had to find a way to get her out of his head, and now, less than 24 hours later, she was his girlfriend. She was his - his alone.

Her questioning look dragged him back to the reason that he had stopped and he quickly pulled himself together. "Do you want me to take you home or do you wanna have a drink or somethin' at my place?" A little nervous his hand drifted to the fingers she had laced on his stomach. "I uh, I thought... maybe we could tell my brother. That we uh, that we are together now. And my mom – she might be home as well, I mean if you want to that is."

Maybe then he might have finally done something good in his mother's eyes; although she could be a real bitch to his friends, he couldn't imagine that she would dislike June.

June seemed to hesitate, although she nodded eventually. "Okay, that sounds good." She showed him a nervous smile and he squeezed her hands before heading in the direction of his home.

After parking the bike in the front yard he grabbed her hand and walked to the door. Doubt plagued him as they entered, the smell of pot wafting from further in the house. A little ashamed his eyes flashed to see if June had noticed. When laughter arose in the living room, he felt her tense. A bit clumsily he laid an arm around her waist after hanging up her coat, and he pressed a small kiss to her lips hoping that it would help to calm her down.

It sounded like Emilio was still over, leading him to believe that his mother had chosen to spend the night at her boyfriend's again. If she had been home, she would have sent him away a long time ago.

"We'll just have one drink, 'kay?" he whispered as he realized that there was a chance that his brother and friend were not only high, but also a little drunk.

June looked him briefly in the eye and nodded. He squeezed her side as they stepped into the living room. The moment he was able to take in the room, he wanted to turn around. Out of reflex he pushed June back into the hallway as he saw what the two were watching, but they had already been spotted.

"Hey! There's our love birds!" Emilio yelled – so loud that the neighbors could probably hear him as well. "C'mon join us!" Chuckling, his friend spread his arms in an inviting gesture. "June! You can tell us what kinda stuff you're into! We got lots you can pick from!"

His heart sank as he saw her shocked face. Right now he wanted nothing more than to take her home, but he knew it would only make it harder to bring her back here another day.

"They're just high."

Skittishly, she looked at him. "You do that too? D-drugs? And – and..."

"I'll smoke pot every now and then, that's all. Same goes for Emilio." He wasn't sure about his brother, but he was pretty sure that if he took pills it was only at parties. "And um… usually we just watch an action movie or something… not porn."

There was no doubt in his mind that she had never watched porn in her life and nervously he stroked a strand of her hair behind her ear. What if this disgusted her? Every guy of their age did it – but perhaps not as openly as they were; in the living room.

"You wanna leave?"

With a sigh she bent her head. "No," she said to his surprise. "Never mind. I guess I'll have to get used to this. They mean a lot to you."

Gratefully he gave her a kiss, for a moment he had been afraid that she would back out again. His arm glided around her waist as they went through the door, and this time he took her to the kitchen immediately so that she couldn't see the tv screen – although the sound was still able to be heard.

He glared at his brother, who turned off the VCR reluctantly. After filling a couple glasses with juice, he gave one to June and led her to the smaller of the two couches. They put the drinks on the table and as soon as they sat down on the couch, he wrapped both of his arms tight around her.

"Look 'em sittin' there like that," Mateo said, shaking his head. "That little brother of mine. He's totally over the moon. Ain't it makin' you a bit jealous, E?"

Emilio huffed, ignoring Mateo's comment and Juan's annoyed look. "So... You two look like you got somethin' to tell us… So when's the big day? You're gettin' married right?"

Emilio's mocking gave him a nasty feeling in the stomach. He had thought that he might get to share a beer with his brother, but his friend gave him the impression that there wasn't much to be happy about. Before he could say anything though, Mateo slapped the boy against the back of his head.

"You really are a jealous lil' shit, huh? Well, you better damn well pray you'll get the chance to date a girl like that one day." He gave them a wink and stood up. "Hey I'm happy for you kid." He leaned into him and pressed a kiss on his head; after that, he also kissed June's forehead. "Whatever the idiot over there has been tellin' ya; Juan could've done much worse, girl." His thumb stroked her cheek as he gave her a genuine smile.

Juan saw a blush spreading across her cheeks and he looked at his brother, grateful for making the mood lighter.

"So, how was the concert?" Mateo asked as he sat down again, swinging his foot on the coffee table.

"It was fucking awesome. We knew like every song and we had a really good spot close to the stage." He leaned forward to take his glass from the table and took a drink.

"And now you two are finally gonna do it?" Emilio asked bored, although a smirk appeared on his face as he looked at June. "My homie promised me all the details you know."

Mateo laid an arm around his shoulders. "Awe does lil' Emilio need some advice? Ya know you can always ask me, huh?"

Emilio's cheeks colored and he muttered: "Nah man, don't need that shit."

Mateo grinned and shifted his attention to June and Juan again. "You wanna switch rooms tonight? My bed is twice as bigger than yours." He chuckled. "Then you won't fall out if you get adventurous and wanna try some things."

From the corner of his eyes he looked at June, who was focused on her knees with a pale face. Since they'd come into the living room, she hadn't said a single word.

"I'm takin' her home tonight. We just wanted to tell you that we're together."

"You coulda just come alone. Not like she's gonna say shit anyways," Emilio huffed.

The muscles in her arms tensed and she raised her head. "Maybe I'm just waiting until you say something that isn't meant to hurt me," she stated, standing up to him. Her breathing told Juan how upset she was and he bit back a smirk as he watched her, he had never seen her like this before.

"Chill the fuck out girl. I never said anythin' rude to you."

"No? How about when you told me that Juan would feel ashamed for being with someone like me; if that's not rude, then what is? And how about the fact that other than that, you never say anything that _isn't_ sexual."

Something in Juan's chest tightened and he sat up straight in a silent threat. "You told her I'd be ashamed of her?"

"She dumped you man. What the fuck did you think I was gonna do? Worship her? I'm happy that she finally figured her shit out after doubting everything for like a hundred years, but I'm not gonna pretend that you're some sort of amazing couple. Look at her, even the _word_ sex is makin' her look paler than a fuckin' corpse."

"So what?" Juan shot back. "Why the fuck do you care? I don't mind waiting until she's ready, so why the hell are you makin' such a big deal of it? You should stop pushin'. What we do and when we do it is none of your fuckin' business."

Emilio raised his hands. "Okay man, fuck, calm down! Fine, I'll lay off. But you've wanted to fuck her for such a long time that I thought you would be jumpin' at the chance to finally get it."

Juan clenched his teeth. It felt like Emilio _wanted_ June to panic again. His cheeks were getting warm and he didn't know if it was because of the anger he was feeling or out of embarrassment because Emilio was stating such a thing.

"I've wanted her as my _girl_. That means more than just having sex dude."

Sure – for more than a year now, he had been fantasizing about having sex with her, but Emilio made it look like he was sharing those fantasies all the time and that wasn't true. He had said _one_ sentence about it, defending her when Emilio claimed that she would be boring in bed, but apart from that he had always kept his thoughts to himself.

Emilio rolled his eyes but didn't say another word.

Juan saw that June's glass was still untouched on the table, but he sensed that she wanted to go home. "Come on," he said softly and his hand slid to her knee. "I'll take you home."

He lifted his hand to caress her cheek, it was reddish and felt warm. Oh, she was so astonishingly beautiful. When she looked him in the eye, he was breathless for a moment. Her face came closer and to his surprise her lips brushed his, and her tongue followed soon. It was a bold move, as if she was trying to provoke Emilio and the thought turned him on immediately. He leaned closer to her, allowing her access to his mouth. One hand entangled in her hair, the other slid underneath the hem of her dress and settled on her thigh. Although the leggings that she was wearing prevented him from caressing her skin, the nerves still rolled through his body. For once however, she didn't freeze. Her fingertips glided across his neck and she increased the distance between their lips without letting go of his tongue, moving their kiss outside their mouths. He became even more aware of her touches and damn, it was hard to believe that she had so little experience. She really was a natural.

Everyone in the room probably knew that she was doing this to prove to Emilio that there was more in her than he thought – and damn, was she successful. In the background he heard his brother whistle, Emilio still didn't say a word.

A little later her lips came to rest against his, the both of them a bit breathless. He didn't know what he saw in her eyes; it was a mixture of insecurity and confidence. Moving his lips to her ear he whispered: "I wouldn't mind if you do that more often."

"With or without the audience?" she whispered back, a rare playful look in her eyes. His heart swelled up. She was the sweetest girl he had ever met, but this side of her made him hard as hell. It felt like she was finally standing up for herself, instead of letting people scare her away.

Again he gave her a kiss, a lazy slow one. More than anything he wanted to lay back on the couch and pull her on top of him, but he knew that would take it too far, even when the look in her eyes called up something wild inside him. "Whatever you like. I'll never say no."

Before he had the chance to change his mind and pull her on top of him, he stood up and glanced at the other two. There was a wide grin on Mateo's face; Emilio's gruff expression showed him that the kiss had been more exciting than he wanted to admit. As he caught Juan's glance, a yielding smirk crossed his lips.

"Fair enough. That was almost hotter than the porn we were watchin'. A little less clothes next time darlin' and it'll be on my mind when I'm jerking off.

Chuckling, Mateo wrapped an arm around him. "Sounds like we should get you a girl too. Then you won't have to do it all by yourself."

As he started to mutter something inaudible, Juan turned towards June, a grin on his face, pulling her in his arms as she had raised herself from the couch.

"It seems like you survived your trial by fire," he said quietly, looking her in the eye. Softly he pressed his lips against hers – he just couldn't get enough of them. "I'm afraid our date is coming to an end." His hands glided up and down her back and he held his breath as she pressed her body closer against his. "I hate it to let you go, but I'm gonna make sure our next date will be even better than this one." He nodded over his shoulder. "Without those two idiots."

June's whole face seemed to light up. "I can't wait."

With his arms around her he slowly forced her to walk backwards, kissing her now and then and making sure that she wouldn't stumble, until they reached the hallway. There they muttered a goodbye to the two on the couch, not waiting for a response as they only had eyes for each other.


	43. Winter and Juice

**THE PAST**

A few weeks ago he had found himself standing in the same spot, flowers in his hands. This time he had decided to forgo the flowers. Although he knew that there was no reason to feel nervous, he was. After all, the last time he had stood in this spot things hadn't gone as he had hoped; there was no way he could have predicted her anger to be so consuming.

After he had rang the doorbell, he realized that he was holding his breath. Only when she opened the door and he saw her shining, happy eyes, did he dare to release the oxygen he was so desperately holding onto. This time she was definitely happy to see him.

"Hey," he said a little awkwardly. Hesitating, he pulled her into a hug and gave her a quick kiss. It had been a few days since they had seen each other. While they had been apart they had exchanged some texts, but it wasn't the same.

Behind June, his eye caught a glimpse of a movement. One of her little sisters was peeking around the door frame, but quickly pulled back when she noticed that he was looking at her. He chuckled quietly.

"I thought uh, maybe I could get introduced to your mom before we leave? I mean, like before I pick up her daughter?"

Meeting her mom might have been his biggest worry for the day. Jordy had told him that June's mother already liked him, but he was scared as hell that when she met him in real life he would disappoint her.

A blush spread across her cheeks, causing a knot to form in his stomach. Was she also afraid that her mom wouldn't be impressed by him? Still she nodded and he stepped further into the hallway.

The knot loosened a little as June took his hand and led him to the living room. Two identical girls sat on the couch, watching him with curious eyes. He showed them a shaky smile before he turned his attention to the woman who was lying on the bed, resting against a pile of pillows.

Juan swallowed. She looked as pale as the blanket draped across her. She looked so fragile, so... sick. Her thin lips however bent into a loving smile as their eyes met, her eyes sparkling with motherly love.

"Hello Juan Carlos," she said in a weak, hoarse voice. "I'm so glad to finally meet you."

With June's hand encased in his, he walked towards the bed. The woman sat up a little straighter and laid a hand against his jaw, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Hi," he said a little awkwardly. His cheek felt hot – his own mother had never given him such a gentle gesture. It was unfair that the life of this loving woman was being cut short. "I uh, well, I'm Juan Carlos. June's boyfriend. Uhm, if you're okay with that, I mean…" he floundered.

"I am." She moved her hand to their laced fingers and smiled. "I am truly happy for the two of you. I think, given the chance you will learn to love each other deeply."

Juan's eyes shot to June's and he expected their cheeks were the same shade of red. On a whim he kissed her cheek, like he always wanted to do when she was blushing. After that, he looked at her mother shyly.

"Now enjoy your day, sweethearts," she smiled. "Would you like to join us for dinner, Juan? The twins make the best lasagne you can think of."

"Um..." He looked at June, who shrugged. "Okay. I'd love to."

"Excellent." She offered them another tired smile and sunk back in the pillows. Her red curls gleamed in the sunbeams falling through the window, making her look younger than she was.

As she closed her eyes, June softly pulled him towards the door. Before they went outside, he introduced himself to June's sisters, who looked just as timid as June herself. He had the feeling that fights were very rare in this household – this family was in sharp contrast with his own family, despite the fact that they both lacked a father figure in their lives.

The twins introduced themselves as April and May, he could barely keep his surprise to himself. It felt a little too much to name all your children after months, but at the same time it seemed to create some kind of bond, making this family even closer.

"She had a pneumonia not so long ago," June said as they stood outside. "Sometimes – some days she is more energetic."

"She's sweet." He caressed her cheek. "She reminds me of you." For a moment he pressed his lips to her forehead, then he walked to his bike. "It's just a short ride," he told her, giving her his helmet and strapping his own.

* * *

Juan hadn't been inside a very museum often, only a few times during class trips. It wasn't a place he would think of to visit in his free time, but when he had asked Jordy if there were any things June would like to go to, she had mentioned this exhibition. At least it was less trite than going to the movies and with the tightness she was holding his hand right now, she showed him that it had been a good choice.

He had to admit that he didn't care much about the museum himself, looking at art wasn't exactly exciting, but he was content as long as she liked it. Her enthusiasm flamed up as they entered the temporary comic book exhibition where some of the oldest comics were being presented. He noticed that there was no need to read the signs; June knew a lot about the evolution of comics already and the different art styles. Slowly, something dawned on him.

"Is this what you draw? Comics?"

Smiling shyly, she nodded. Immediately the exposition seemed much more interesting than before.

"Would you mind if I'd read them?"

A blush crept back to her face. "Umm… Actually Jordy is the only one who reads them. They are – they are really girly."

Juan shrugged his shoulder. "You're a girl. There's nothing wrong with girly comics, right? I'm just super curious – ever since I saw you in the park with your sketchbook I've been curious to your creations."

After a short hesitation she nodded. "Okay. I'll show you them when we're home."

* * *

An hour before dinner they found themselves sitting in her room. It was a small room, neat and tidy. There were a few band posters on the walls, covering the warm colors on the walls, giving him a peaceful feeling. It really was a nice place.

They were sitting on the edge of her bed. In her lap were a few sketchbooks. The blush was still on her cheeks and he noticed that she was avoiding his glance.

"I have lots of stand-alone drawings, but also some longer comics. This piece uh, this is a piece I worked on last year." She shoved the top sketchbook towards him.

Curiously, Juan opened it. His other arm he wrapped around her waist.

It could have looked liked scribbles from a toddler and he probably would have thought it was fantastic, but he saw immediately that she was _really_ talented.

"Shit girl... This is just... wow," he muttered a bit overwhelmed as he saw the delicate pencil lines. "You are really talented, June." The characters were drawn with great detail. Every separate drawing was a real piece of art, it didn't look like a sketch at all. His thumb stroked one of the small figures, the protagonist that reminded him of June immediately. Winter, was her name.

He flipped through the first pages. The story was about a good girl with strict parents who fell in love with a skater; a little like Romeo and Juliet.

"Juice," he chuckled softly. "What kind of name is that?" he asked, looking at the skater.

When she didn't answer, he looked to the side. She was staring at her hands, her cheeks flaming red. A little surprised he stroked her side. "Hey, what's goin' on? I meant no offense, I was just wondering how you'd come up with a name like that. You really are talented, sweetheart."

"It's just a little embarrassing," she muttered.

"What?" He turned towards her. "Believe me, nothing is more embarrassing than taking your girl home for the first time and finding your brother and best friend there; blasted and watching porn."

She chuckled softly and reached for the sketchbook with her hand. Her fingernail tapped the rings keeping the pages together. "You uh, you were my inspiration for this story. Juice is... based on you. I needed a nickname that would fit a skater. And I've heard a few people call you JC, and somehow it sounded like Juicy and then it became Juice. I don't know, it sounded good to me… maybe it's stupid."

Juan's eyes widened – he hadn't seen that coming. "So... this is me?" he asked as he looked at the character with a surprised smile around his lips. Yeah, if he looked closer he could recognize himself, if he left out the head tattoos and mohawk.

"Well, not entirely..." she muttered. "I wanted an interesting character, that had a tough exterior but with a big heart you know. But along the way... he started to look like you more and more. I wasn't even really aware of it, but now when I look back, I think you'll even recognize Emilio and your brother in his friends." She closed the book. "It's stupid," she muttered.

"No it's not," he objected. "This is what all authors and artists do, right? Use things from their own experiences and building something new around it?" Carefully he opened the book again and studied the other pages.

June said nothing, but he felt that she was thinking about his words. In the back of the book he found a few sheets of loose paper and he pulled them out.

A lump appeared in his throat as he looked at the drawings. "Wow June..."

Again she had drawn the characters from her comic, but he recognized his own face and hers even more. It felt like she had tried to keep their identity secret in case someone would find it, but hadn't succeeded very well. Although Winter's long braids fell over her shoulders and she was wearing glasses, he clearly saw June's nose, her lips, the position of her shoulders. And beneath that weird haircut of Juice's he recognized himself effortlessly; it felt like June had caught every detail. These were memories, drawings of prom night. She had depicted their silent dance, their kiss on the bench. In another one he was holding her in his arms, in another they were holding hands, looking both so shy that it made him blush.

He wanted to turn to the next piece, but suddenly her hand shot forward. "No wait!"

Her sudden yell startled him and the drawings glided to the ground. He felt how she tensed, with wide eyes she stared at one of the top papers. When she made no move to pick it up, he did. From the corner of his eye he saw how she was cringing, but this was the most beautiful drawing he had ever seen.

She was wearing the same dress that she had worn to the concert; the one with the colored musical notes. Just like then, he had wrapped his arms around her from behind. His eyes were closed as he kissed her neck. He felt the heat spread across his face as he noticed how realistic she had drawn his face – there was something tender, something sweet about it. Her own eyes were closed as well, her face almost ecstatic as she leaned back, opening herself to his lips. Her half open, sensual mouth caused his throat to dry, it only became worse as his glance moved down. His eyes followed the drawing, watching as his hand glided into the neck of her dress and held her breast, her nipple caught between his thumb and index finger. He swallowed as he stared at the drawing of her uncovered breast; much like the rest of her drawings, it even seemed to align with the glimpse he had caught a few weeks ago.

"Sorry," she muttered. "You weren't supposed to see this. No one was."

"Sorry?" he repeated dazed, and finally he tore his eyes away from the image. "It's beautiful, June. And uh, it's also really hot," he admitted. "You eh, you got more of these?" He bit his tongue when he blurted out that question. He didn't want to sound like some pervert, but damn, that drawing was just fucking hot.

"No," she muttered, staring at the floor.

"I uhm, I wouldn't mind if you wanted to make some more of these." His heart leaped in his chest. Maybe he should have kept this to himself, but he had already blurted it out and he didn't want her to feel ashamed of it. "Later. One day. If you ever feel comfortable with it."

Images flashed through his mind of all the things he wanted to do with her, that he wanted drawn by her – maybe even when he was around. He'd love to watch her when she was drawing their naked bodies... The thought made him feel hot all over his body and skittishly he looked at her.

Finally she dared to look back, insecurity radiating from her face. Carefully he laid the sketchbook on the ground, before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her further onto the bed, so that they were lying on their sides facing each other. Her breathing faltered as their bodies were pressed to each other. With his thumb, he stroked her heated cheek.

"Around me, you never have to feel ashamed of anything, sweet June," he said softly. "I gotta admit that you surprised me but I really like it. And I think it's fucking cute that you drew a comic about us. Juice and Winter." He raked a hand through her reddish brown strands. "I hope that story will never end. And that you will draw every kiss. Every touch. Every smile." He looked deeply into her eyes. "Cause I never want to forget about this."

After these words he softly pressed his lips against hers, hesitating a little because he didn't know if she was in the mood to kiss him. When she returned the kiss, a tingling sensation spread across his skin. While he swirled his tongue gently around hers, his fingers moved up from her hip, until his thumb touched her breast. He felt her tension during the kiss, but he didn't know if she would mind if his hand glided across her breast. Just because she had depicted that fantasy didn't mean that she was ready for that and he didn't want to push her limits, especially not if she didn't feel fully comfortable with him.


	44. Families

**THE PAST**

June didn't think she could ever get tired with this; his lips melting with hers, her leg draped over his, their upper bodies pressed together. One hand buried in her hair, the other had settled high up on her side, his thumb softly pressing against the underwire of her bra. He made no move to go any further, although right now she didn't know if she would have minded if he had. After their first date she'd had a very realistic dream in which he had taken the time to explore her body and caress her breasts; resulting in the drawing he had just found. On the other hand she still wanted to take things slow – all the things Mateo and Emilio had said were still in her mind, making her cautious. She didn't think that Juan would be like them but maybe it was better if they waited a little longer, until they knew each other better.

A call from the bottom of the stairs told them dinner was ready, causing them to end their kiss, however unwillingly. A little out of breath June sat up, she felt the blush creeping back to her cheeks when she caught Juan looking at her. His shining smile made her forget about her appetite immediately; her whole stomach seemed to fill with butterflies.

As she went to leave the room, he suddenly pulled her back and into his embrace, pressing his lips into her hair. "You make me so happy June."

Hesitating, her arms slid around him, holding him tight. He sounded fragile – he _felt_ fragile, and she thought back to the times he had hinted to the difficult situation at home. "Are you feeling nervous about this? Having dinner with my family?"

As she looked up to him, she saw the red glow on his cheeks. "I can't really remember the last time we ate together, as a family, without fighting…" he muttered. "Most days I eat alone, sometimes my mom or Mat joins me. So, I dunno... it feels unreal to be having dinner with your family already."

The corners of her mouth curled down as the look in his eyes told her how much he longed for the warmth of a family. "You're part of this family now too," she said softly. "I know that we might not look like a standard family, but there's a lot... warmth and love." She cupped his jaw with her hand. "Enough for you too." Giving him an encouraging smile, she took his hand and gently dragged him downstairs. They sat down at the table and filled their plates, as June told her mom about the museum where Juan had taken her to.

Her sisters didn't say much, but they couldn't keep their eyes off Juan. June watched as he became increasingly nervous under their stares. April was the first one to abandon her meal and started to ask him questions. Whether he had siblings, what his favorite animal was, what sports he liked. It didn't take long before May joined the interview too and June bit back a smile as he answered all their questions patiently.

"And now you two give that boy a break so he can finish his meal," her mother stepped in after a while, giving Juan a wink. "Before it's cold."

"It uh, it tastes delicious," he muttered.

From the corner of her eye June looked at him. Having Mateo as a brother and Emilio as his best friend, she figured that he must have gotten used to attention, but yet this kind of attention seemed to make him shy.

The twins however had already fallen for his charming smile.

"You want to play games with us, Juan?" April asked the moment he laid down his fork, creating the impression that she had waited for that moment a long time. She stood up and motioned him to follow her. "Come, I'll show you all of them!"

"April, we have barely finished dinner," her mother objected, but the girl didn't hear her; too excited about her new friend. She was already standing in front of the closet, summing up all of the games. Juan's face told her that he wasn't familiar with most of them and June chuckled quietly. She pushed him gently towards her sister and started to clean the table.

After she had helped her mother back to bed and had cleared the table, Juan and April were still standing in front of the closet. A little awkwardly he had laid his hand on the girl's shoulder as he had bent his head to listen to her chatter. Laughing softly, June started to do the dishes. April always needed just a few minutes to decide whether she felt comfortable around someone or not, and once she did, she wouldn't stop talking.

June had done most of the dishes when two arms snaked around her. Immediately a warmth spread through her body and she leaned into him.

"I didn't even know there were so many games," he muttered in her ear, letting out a chuckle and kissing her jaw.

"After a few weeks you'll probably know them all by heart."

"Well, actually I want to do some other things with you when I'm here," he whispered.

The heat flamed along her face. He gave her a wink as he moved away from her, a teasing grin on his lips. With a brief movement he grabbed the tea towel and started to dry the dishes.

The initiative he took made her smile, his caring nature never ceased to surprise her. When his eyes met hers, she looked away shyly, once again wondering what he saw in her.

When everything was cleaned and dried, June put the dishes back into the right places. Juan stood behind the table, his hands leaning on the backrest of a chair while the twins prepared the game they had picked out. June joined them and stroked Juan's back, making him stand straighter and wrapping an arm around her waist. Although April was explaining the game to him, Juan seemed to be missing her words as he looked at June. Her heart made a flip as he gave her a kiss – just a brief one, since her sisters were around. But it was enough for April to yell " _Eew, no kisses!"_ Chuckling, they sat down on their chairs. Under the table they were holding hands as April made a new attempt to explain the rules of the game to Juan, and this time he listened carefully to her words.

* * *

The next week it was June's turn to meet his family. Well – his mother. She didn't know who was more nervous – her or Juan. She had asked him how his mother had reacted when he had told her that he had a girlfriend, and hesitating, he had admitted that she had laughed at him. As it seemed though, she had agreed to June coming over for dinner nonetheless.

The nerves were making her sick as she reached out and rang the bell. What if his mom wouldn't like her? What if she was really as unfriendly as Juan had been implying?

Her doubts faded when the door was opened and Juan let her in after kissing her. "Hey!"

From the look in his eyes she tried to conclude in what kind of mood his mother was today, but she couldn't make much of it. She followed him into the living room, where she was greeted by the sizzle of the food that was on the stove.

A little dazed she stared at Mateo. For some reason she hadn't expected to see him cooking, but he seemed to be able to cope with four pans on the go pretty well.

"Hey girl," he said as he caught her glance. He walked towards her, placing a hand on her hip and kissing her cheek. June froze as his aftershave surrounded her and it took all of her effort not to step away from him.

Sure, she was happy that he was no longer making nasty comments. But this friendly behavior was quite the contrast and so a little clumsily she was able to mumble out a greeting.

Only when Juan laid his arm around her waist, his brother took his hand back, allowing a relieved June to lean against her boyfriend, watching Mateo return to the station.

"She's not home yet," Juan said as she looked around. "Maybe she forgot. That you were coming tonight I mean."

His sad eyes caused a lump in her throat. She understood; she had also looked forward to introducing her boyfriend to her family and she would have been incredibly disappointed if her mother hadn't shown up for such an important moment.

"Is she often late?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "She comes and goes whenever it pleases her. Most days she doesn't come home at all."

* * *

The three of them had just started dinner when they heard the click of a lock, followed by the sound of heels in the hallway. June stared at the door, which opened a few seconds later.

Juan's mother entered the living room and looked briefly at them. She didn't apologize to her sons for being late, but she was well-mannered enough to notice June. Before she sat down, she held out her hand to June and as she shook it, she introduced herself as Camila. Her lush, dark brown hair waved across her shoulders, looking a bit messy as if it was storming outside. Her thick, drawn-on eyebrows gave her a stern face, although she didn't look unfriendly. Much more normal than June had pictured her.

Not much was said during dinner. The ticking of the silverware was getting on her nerves and from the corner of her eyes, she saw that Juan was staring at his plate. Her hand glided to his knee and squeezed.

If nobody else was going to do it, she had to break the silence herself, so she asked what kind of work Camila did. The woman's face relaxed a bit as she answered that she was a nurse.

Since June had some experience with healthcare, she asked more questions so a real conversation was able to start, and in the end the woman asked her what she wanted to be herself.

"I'd like to study Animation Design," she told the woman. "Creating images for animated films and computer games, and things like that."

"She's really good at drawing," Juan said, and the pride she heard in his voice made her blush. "She also draws comics. She's a natural, she could sell them right away."

Camila briefly glanced her son but didn't say anything and changed the subject by asking what kind of work her parents did.

June's heart broke as Juan bent his head quietly and started to push his food around his plate. On the other side she saw Mateo's face grow gloomy, there was a dark glow in his eyes making her shiver.

Quickly she turned her attention back to Camila. At bit curtly she told that woman that her mother had been an architect before she had gotten sick and that her father was working for the local newspaper. The woman asked no questions about the health of her mother and June didn't tell her that her parents were divorced – the atmosphere was tense enough without though stories like that.

* * *

After dinner, Camila asked June if she could help clean up. When Juan offered to help too, his mother snarled at him to go away. June's breathing choked as she saw the hurt look in his eyes as he muttered that he was going for a smoke outside. She considered to say something about it, but deep down she knew there was no point in it. Not yet.

"You're a sweet girl, June," Camila started as she had turned on the water. "Intelligent, well-mannered... I always thought he would come home with one of his brother's whores..." She shrugged her shoulders and looked at June again. "I don't know how he managed to get a girl like you, what lies he has told you, but you deserve much better, June. Someone loyal. His father walked out on me when I was pregnant, my oldest son dumped his girl when he found out he had knocked her up... you want that too? They're selfish pricks, all of 'em."

"Fuck you and your bullshit!" Mateo suddenly yelled. June looked over her shoulder and found him only a step away from them. "Why the hell are you doin' this?"

For a moment Camila's face paled, as if she had expected her oldest son to be outside too. Something however, told June that Mateo had known very well why his mother had sent his brother away.

"Why are you always tryin' to ruin his happiness? Can't you see that he's finally happy? Do you even care? Guess not, huh!"

Camila's jaws tensed, but she didn't shrink from his dark tone. "I don't want him to ruin her. She's too sweet, she's way too good to end up as his toy."

"His toy?!" Mateo burst out. "Man, he loves that girl so much it's fucking crazy!"

A warm glow spread across her face as she leaned against the countertop. Something dark was churning around Mateo and his mother, which created an uneasy feeling to spread through the room, freezing June in place.

"As if the two of you know what love is," she huffed.

"Bitch, look who's talkin'!" Mateo snapped. "You're a fuckin' psycho, you can't even love your own kids!"

"Which works perfect for you, huh? All you want is give him some 'love' yourself. A gift here and there to keep his mouth shut when we both know you can't keep your hands off him! Or are these rewards when he gives you a good blow?"

Mateo's eyes shot to June, who could only stare at him. Bile crept into her throat and there was a sharp stabbing pain in her stomach. Her hands were shaking.

"Yeah, know what you're gettin' into, June. Your boyfriend lets his own brother fuck him and I can assure you it won't take long before he's gonna try something with you too. I see how he looks at you. He can't wait to shove his dick inside you. Maybe he'll let Juan even watch. To ' _teach'_ him. Lord knows he's sick enough to do such a thing."

June was too shocked to do anything. Her body was motionless, and in slow motion she watched as Mateo stepped forward, grabbed his mother's hair and slammed her head against the sink. Screaming, she gripped a knife from the counter and swung it backwards, right into Mateo's upper arm. Cursing, he hit her head against the sink again.

Her whole body was shaking. She started to scream as the blood dripped down Camila's head. She was only partly aware of the door slamming open. Juan ran towards them. Lost, he stood still in the middle of the kitchen, his eyes wide, flashing from his brother and mother to June in panic. In the end he pulled her close and turned her away from the others. Sobbing, he yelled at the fighting couple, and hearing his broken voice helped her to shake off her bewilderment. Over her shoulder she looked at the two who were still struggling, both bleeding.

Juan could only stare. His face was filled with horror, he wasn't able to do anything, all the blood pooling on the ground, caused by his own family, seemed to suffocate him.

June dragged him out of the kitchen, knowing he would only be more traumatized if he kept watching them. She had no idea what to do. Camila was still waving the knife and Mateo seemed determined to try and silence her forever. June had never been in a fight, she had no idea how to stop them and she couldn't let go of Juan. He could barely stand on his own feet. She wanted to take him outside, but she was afraid he wouldn't make it to the door, so she helped him to the couch instead.

It was pointless trying to ignore them – she was sure that the screams could be heard two blocks away – but she still pressed her hands against Juan's ears and looked at him. His respiration was far too high and his eyes were moving restlessly, but in the end his teary eyes locked onto hers and he seemed to calm down a bit.

* * *

June lost her sense of time as they were sitting on the couch. She was brought back to the present when cops invaded the house. There were now too many people to see what was happening in the kitchen. With tears silently rolling down their cheeks, both June and Juan watched as Juan's mother was hoisted onto a gurney. Her gaze then shifted and she felt her chest as she watched two cops grab Mateo's arms and cuff him. June swallowed as she caught his glance, he looked just as vulnerable as Juan did. Although his face was covered in blood, she could see how much the sight of his upset younger brother affected him. For a moment their eyes met, then the cops pushed him into the hallway.

June stroked Juan's face, but she had no idea what to say to him. He was in shock and unable to talk to the police, and after a short discussion with the female officer they agreed to come down to the station tomorrow to make a statement. June gave her address to the officer and then turned her attention to Juan again, running a hand through his hair and cupping his cheek with her other hand.

"You're not alone, baby," she said. "I won't leave you. Okay?" She kept looking at him until he nodded slowly. "I'm going to ask someone to come and pick us up okay, and the next few days you are going to stay at my place."

A tear reached her thumb. His lips were shaking, he was trying to say something but he couldn't. She took her phone. Her first instinct was to call Jordy, but she changed her mind and tugged Juan's phone out of his pocket, so she could call his best friend instead of hers.

"Yo bro!"

June swallowed. Despite the situation she still found it hard to talk to him. "Hey, it's June. Um, would you be able to come and pick us up from Juan's? Things uh, things got pretty out of hand here, between his mom and brother. The cops showed up and the ambulance just left."

Emilio cursed wholeheartedly. "I'll be there in a minute, okay?"

His voice sounded warmer than June had ever heard and she realized that he cared a lot about Juan too. "See you soon."

She ended the call, laid the phone next to her on the couch and pressed her lips against Juan's forehead. "Emilio is coming to pick us up." Her fingers laced with his. "Come on, let's get you some stuff to take to my place."

Gently she pulled him on his feet and walked with him to his bedroom.


	45. Distraction

**THE PAST**

Before Juan could start filling his sports bag with clothes, the doorbell rang.

"I got it," June told him. "You keep getting your things together."

She gave him a quick kiss and left the small bedroom. He said nothing – it had been so long since he had said something that she couldn't remember his last words.

June opened the door and let Emilio in. They looked at each other for a moment, an awkward tension rising between them, before he walked past her in silence making his way to the living room. A second later he cursed so loud that June's heart skipped a beat.

She had followed him, as she entered the room she noticed that his attention was drawn towards the bloodbath that could be seen in the kitchen. Although the prospect made her feel sick, she knew what had to be done; "I'll clean it up. Can you stay with him until I'm done? I don't want him to see this again."

Although she hoped that Emilio would suggest that he would carry out that unpleasant work, he didn't, only muttering something inaudible before he headed for Juan's room.

June watched him leave until the door closed behind him, then she walked into the kitchen, avoiding the shards littering the ground. Some were drenched in blood and her stomach clenched as she imagined Camila slamming the pieces into her son's body – or maybe it was Mateo lashing back at his mother.

She gagged. Quickly she turned her face away from the mess and started to open and close the cabinets until she located a pile of towels. Wrapping one around her hand she lifted the broken dinnerware dumping them in the trash, her mind reeling at the thought of how only hours ago they had eaten dinner off of them. She then proceeded to scrub the kitchen counter and the sink, shivering as she remembered how Mateo had slammed his mother's head against the steel rim. Leaning against the spot that she had just cleaned, she gave herself a break. She couldn't rest for long – Juan would be wondering what took her so long and she knew he wouldn't want her to be cleaning up the mess. She however didn't want him to have do it after a few days, when he would come back.

Pulling herself together, she rinsed out the dish rag and continued cleaning until she heard Juan's bedroom door open. Quickly she threw the bloodstained towels in the trash can and went to the living room.

With a pale face, Juan focused on the ground. Emilio stood next to him, radiating so much despair that it might have been funny in other circumstances.

"You have a key, Juan?" she asked.

"I'll grab you one." Emilio opened a drawer in the hallway and handed her the key.

He was the first one to leave the house, followed by June. Juan was the last; he almost tripped over the threshold and his bag hit the door frame. Emilio grabbed his upper arm to keep him steady and shared a worried look with June.

"He hasn't said anything to me," he said softly. His eyes shot to Juan, but nothing gave them the impression that he had caught his words.

June sighed softly. "Let's get him out of here. That will help."

"He can come stay at my house," Emilio said. "It wouldn't be the first time he crashed after a fight."

June didn't object. Maybe he would feel more comfortable around his friend; those two had known each other for years. She knew that if something awful happened to her, she probably would want to have Jordy close too.

Juan however grabbed her hand, his fingers stiff. "I wanna stay with you June," he whispered.

His pleading tone made her lips tremble. "Okay. Emilio will bring us to my house." She looked up to Emilio. "Right?"

The way his shoulders tensed told her that he felt hurt, but he still nodded and walked towards his car – quicker than before.

Together with Juan, June sat down on the backseat and told Emilio where she lived. During the rest of the ride an awkward silence filled the car.

"Thank you for picking us up," June said softly as Emilio parked the car in front of her house. She laid a hand on his shoulder, but he turned away from her and opened the door. "I'm not leavin' yet."

June felt annoyance flash though her as Emilio followed Juan and her towards the front door. She however tried to shove her own feelings to the side – maybe Juan felt more comfortable when his friend was around.

Turning the key, she let the two boys in. Juan was still holding her hand, so tight that her fingers were hurting.

As they stepped into the living room, she found her mother watching a tv show. As soon as she noticed them, she paused the program.

A little awkwardly June looked at her mother. She had to tell her what happened, but she didn't want to do that when Juan was around.

"Why don't you take a shower?" June suggested, looking at Juan. "You're all tensed up, a hot shower will help you relax a bit."

"Are you – are you comin' with me?" he asked distracted.

June felt her cheeks glow. He spoke in a tone giving her the impression that he didn't realize what he was asking. Luckily Emilio was too gutted by the whole situation to make an obscene comment about it, although she did feel ashamed at the thought that her mother heard it too.

"I'll get you a towel," she answered, avoiding his question. Holding his hand, she led him upstairs and took a towel from the closet on the landing. "I uh – I think it's a little too early for us to be taking a shower together," she said with a blush.

He looked skittishly at her. "Yeah... you're probably right." His cheeks turned red too. "Sorry. I don't know why I said that. I – I just feel like I don't know anything anymore." Tears filled his eyes again and June wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight.

"I'll stay with you for the rest of the night," she promised. "And the next few days too. As long as you want."

His lips were quivering as he gave her a kiss and she could taste the salt of his tears. For a moment she thought that he wanted to say something, but in the end he only took the towel from her and disappeared into the bathroom.

June descended the stairs, hoping Emilio was gone by now. Unfortunately he wasn't; as she reached the floor she found him sitting on the couch, lost in his phone. Nervously she picked at the hem of her shirt, not knowing to who she should turn to. Eventually she sat down on the edge of her mother's bed and sighed softly.

As she was looking for words, her mother grabbed her hand and squeezed. "You don't have to talk about it if it's too soon, sweetheart. Emilio told me a little bit about a fight between Juan's mother and brother."

Gratefully she aimed her eyes at Emilio, but all she got in return was a cold glare. She swallowed.

"He's right," she said softly to her mother. "We were doing the dishes and Juan's mother had sent him away – she tried to convince me that he wasn't good enough for me. Mateo heard the conversation and got angry, and then she started to say the most horrible things you can imagine. Mateo lost it and slammed her head against the sink, and she grabbed one of the knives on the counter and stabbed him..." she told her. Her voice sounded distant, as if she was listening to someone else. "Juan came back in and he froze up when he saw the two fighting, I had to drag him away from the kitchen. The neighbors must have heard their screams and called the cops because they showed up and arrested Mateo, and took his mother to the hospital in an ambulance."

There was a sad sheen in her mother's eyes. "Poor boy. Tell him that he can stay here as long as he needs." She laid a hand against June's cheek. "I'm sorry you had to see something so horrible."

Awkwardly, June shrugged her shoulders. "It's worse for him than for me. It's his family." Sighing, she pulled her hand away and got up. Again she glanced at Emilio, who finally got the hint and stood up as well. Clearly it had been an explanation that he had been waiting for.

She walked him to the door. When he was already halfway to his car, she changed her mind, pulling out the key and closing the door behind her.

"Emilio..." she said, hesitating. "Can we... talk for a minute?"

He turned around, shrugging. His hands slipped into his pockets and although he was clearly trying to look nonchalant, she felt his insecurity.

"Let's just go up the street a bit, there is a bench we can sit at."

She noticed that he was about to make a comment, but in the end he kept his thoughts to himself and walked with her towards the bench.

"You told your ma a great deal of shit about me, huh?" Emilio said after taking a few steps. "I swear she was gonna slap me in the face when I introduced myself."

"I told her nothing that isn't true."

"You're always makin' a big deal out of lil things," he huffed.

June gritted her teeth and decided to ignore his words, that's not why they were there. She sat down on the bench, a safe distance away from him.

"You plannin' on sayin' somethin'? Or will this be another of your silent shows?" Emilio mocked as June was trying to figure out how she should formulate her question in a normal way.

Instead of being tempted by an angry answer, she asked him a question herself. "I want to ask you something and I hope you will give it a good thought before you answer – and that you will be honest with me. Can you do that?"

He looked at her. How she was expected to interpret the look in his eyes, she didn't know. "This about Juan?"

"Of course it's about Juan. I'm not here because I have such a good time with you."

Pulling a sour face, he shrugged his shoulders.

June took a deep breath and turned her head away; she no longer dared to look at him. Actually she didn't want to ask him her question either, but it was too important to let the fear stop her.

"I really don't know how to say this," she admitted. "But you've known Juan and Mateo for such a long time..." She squeezed her fingers in some kind of attempt to draw strength from it. "Is it possible... that Mateo uh, that he abuses his brother?"

"What the hell?" Emilio blew up at her. "You got a fuckin' screw loose up there?!"

June pressed her lips together. She had expected him to react this way – it was a miracle that he didn't just leave immediately. "His mother mentioned a couple things, and I don't want to believe her…" she explained. "She said that Mateo gives him all these expensive presents just to keep Juan silent. I didn't want to share it with my mom, but it was the reason that Mateo freaked out; his mother started saying that he was having sex with his brother and that he also wanted... uhm... you know. With me."

"You mean that he wants to fuck you?" he asked scornfully. "Oh I'm sure he does." He chuckled, even though it felt forced; as if he was trying to regain control over the situation. "In fact, when we were watchin' that porn while you and your lover were rockin' a few days ago, we talked about how we would do you. Doggy style for me, and Mateo wanted you to ride him – well, he wanted to _teach_ you how to ride. Or –"

"Stop it," she answered agitated, although his words hit her like a truck. She however tried to slide it off; right now there were much more important issues than Mateo's and Emilio's disgusting fantasies. "I know that Mateo wants to sleep with everything that is female, so that isn't exactly shocking news. What I _do_ want to know about, is if he wants to do... things... with his brother. I have to go and give a statement tomorrow at the police station and I really don't know what to do, Emilio. If I tell them that their mother claims that her eldest son is abusing his little brother, they are going to conduct an investigation. And if there's even a tiny chance that she spoke the truth, I would want to tell them. But if it's not true... then it will only hurt him."

"It's fuckin' bullshit, June. That bitch that calls herself a mother is a fuckin' cunt who's been torturin' 'em mentally since the day they could walk. This is just a new way to hurt 'em – and I'm not even surprised. Were any of those other things she said about Juan, were they true?"

"No," she muttered.

"Already thought so. So why would she have told you the truth about this? That bitch is just crazy. Thought you had the brains to realize that yourself after today."

June suppressed a sigh. It was just unimaginable that a mother would make up a story like this and tell that to her son's new girlfriend – right?

Emilio turned a little so he could pull something out of his pocket and gave her a small baggie. "Give this to Juan. There're two joints in it, he's gonna need 'em. Especially because I have a feelin' you're not gonna give him what he really needs."

"And what's that?" she asked with raised eyebrows. She didn't plan to give her boyfriend drugs – taking any advice from Emilio didn't sound very wise.

"You know damn well girl. There's only one reason why he wants to stay with you instead of me; because his girl can distract him in a way I can't. Sex, June," he clarified, which wasn't very necessary. "At least give him a bit of foreplay. That will divert his thoughts away from everything." He stood up, giving her a cold glance. "So go on, go inside and spoil him in a way ya never did before." He winked. "Trust me, you're gonna like it too."

* * *

When June went back inside, she made two cups of the Valerian tea that always helped to relax her and gave one to Juan. He sat in the farthest corner of the couch and stared at the floor, even though he looked up when she sat down next to him.

"Thank you," he said softly.

They didn't say much as they drank their tea. If Juan wanted to talk about it, he would probably wait until they were alone.

Once the tea was done, they wished her mom goodnight and went upstairs. June was a little nervous as she closed the bedroom door behind her. Despite Emilio's words she wasn't planning on distracting Juan in such a way, but what if he expected something like that from her?

Juan put his bag on the ground and looked around awkwardly. She almost wanted to suggest that he could also use her parent's bedroom, but she didn't want to give him the impression that she minded sharing a bed with him. It was thrilling, and while it was something she wanted for a long time, it was happening way earlier than expected.

"I uh, I don't have pajamas or anything like that," he muttered. "Usually I just wear my boxers. But I can keep my shirt on…" he said quickly. "Or my jeans too."

June felt her cheeks getting hot. "Um, you should wear whatever's most comfortable for you." She found it more important that he would be comfortable and have a good sleep than if she would. She took her nightie from under her pillow and got changed in the bathroom, brushing her teeth while she was in there. As she returned to her room, she saw that he was only wearing his boxer. For a moment she stood petrified in the doorway. He was a little skinnier than she had expected, although she could tell that he was often doing sit-ups. He smiled a bit shyly as he caught her staring and June had to urge herself to keep breathing.

As he walked past her on his way to the bathroom, his hand stroked her hip and immediately all images of the past hours were erased. Suddenly she understood Emilio. She got underneath the blankets and shoved to the right side; like she always did when Jordy was sleeping over. She didn't turn off the night light; Juan could do that when he wanted to sleep.

A few minutes later Juan entered the room again. Her heart was raging in her chest when he laid down next to her, very close – and the only thing she could think of, was that he still felt so far away.

"You um – you wanna talk about what happened?" she asked hesitating.

He glanced briefly at her and shook his head. "Not – not now, okay? I just – I just wanna hold you and fall asleep with you."

She showed him a small smile, which encouraged him to snuggle up to her; she could feel his warm skin right through the thin fabric of her nightie. He wrapped an arm around her and started to press kisses to her bottom lip, reluctantly, as if he wasn't sure if she wanted this right now.

But he was right – there had been enough talking for one day. She rather finished this day with other emotions. Laying a hand on his side, she gave him some small kisses too before their tongues found each other. His hand glided up her side, and June's did the same. His breathing told her how much he enjoyed her caresses and she felt something warm bubble up. Their kisses became heavier and she created a little more space between their upper bodies so she could stroke his chest and trace his abs with the tips of her fingers.

"Your touch feels amazing," he whispered, spreading kisses along her neck.

June bent back her head and closed her eyes as he kissed the skin of her neck, now and then holding her breath before she let go of the oxygen again. As he had kissed every inch of her neck he had access to, his lips moved to her mouth. Gently he bit her lip, and when she wanted to do the same, she was surprised by his powerful tongue, leading her to a passionate kiss. In the meantime her fingers were still exploring his torso – his skin was supple and warm, his muscles tensing whenever her fingertips touched them. He laid his hand on top of hers while she slowly moved it down. She had wanted to settle it right above the waistband of his boxer, but Juan gently pushed her hand further down, until she felt his erection. Out of impulse she went to pull back her hand, but his fingers were still on hers and he carefully wrapped them around his member.

June's eyes flew open. At exactly the same moment he was also looking at her. His cheeks were all rosy, and his eyes... they showed her something she had never seen before, something that made her feel even more shy.

"I love the feel of your fingers right now," he whispered, his voice a little hoarse. "You can... you can put your hand in my boxers if you want."

June had no idea if that was something she wanted. Well, actually that was a lie – she knew she didn't. Emilio's words were playing in her head; that this was the reason why he had wanted to sleep here instead of at Emilio's.

"I... I don't know if..." she stammered.

His hand was still folded around hers and he squeezed his fingers, so she was also squeezing them. A moan slipped his lips, giving her an uneasy feeling. "Please," he whispered. "I just... I just wanna feel your hand around me. All your caresses, they felt so good... you make me forget about everything."

"But..." It was hard to formulate words, again and again her thoughts were drawn to his manhood in her hand – with only a very thin piece of fabric between. What would he ask from her after this? That she would jerk him off? That was way too soon for her liking, she wasn't ready for that. She wasn't ready for this.

"There's nothing to be afraid of... you don't even have to do anything with it. Just... just hold it."

The fact that he was insisting, made her feel uncomfortable and she pulled her hand away from him, increasing the distance between their bodies.

"I don't want to," she said firmly. "Not... like this. Like it's just some way to cheer you up."

"But why not? I... I'd do anything to make you feel good."

It sounded manipulative; something Mateo would have said to all the girls he slept with. "Just drop it," she said in a grim tone, turning her back towards him.

* * *

For a long time she stared at the wall. Juan hadn't said another word and he had turned off the night light a while ago. She however couldn't sleep, there was a nasty feeling in her stomach. Had she been wrong about him the whole time?

"June?" she heard a little later – so late that she had been convinced that he had been sleeping. The bed creaked as he shifted. "I'm sorry. It's okay if you're not ready yet. Sorry – sorry for asking that from you. Please... don't be mad at me."

The vibration in his voice made her inhale sharply. Again she remembered how bad he was feeling – could she really blame him for wanting to feel something else? Still, it didn't feel right. She didn't want to make him feel better by some sexual act. Anyone could do that, this was why she wanted to be different from all those flings Mateo and Emilio had – but at the same time she realized that his brother and friend were his only examples.

"It's okay," she sighed. "I just don't want our first times... to be marked by the trauma you just went through. I don't think that's healthy. Something like that should lift our relationship to the next level, it shouldn't be a way to make someone feel better. It's... not a distraction. It's something really intimate."

She shivered as she felt his breathing in her neck. A second later, a small kiss followed.

"You're right. I'm sorry June."

Another kiss in her neck.

"Can I hold you? Or... would you rather not?"

She smiled a little touched. "Yes. I would like that."

His arms glided around her and he snuggled closer to her. Against her bottom she could feel how excited he still was, but he tried to turn himself in a way it wasn't bothering her.

She pressed her lips against his biceps and closed her eyes. "It's probably better if I get used to it… that excited little friend of yours. Otherwise I'm afraid you'll be tossing and turning all night long."

He chuckled softly, tightening his grasp around her. "Sorry. I tried to convince him to cool down but he's not very obedient." Gently, he sucked on her neck and she breathed in sharply. "You're just too beautiful, June. Too beautiful, too sexy, too sweet. You're too good for me."

June tensed. "I never want to hear that again, Juan. That I'm too good for you." She looked over her shoulder; in the dark she could just see his eyes. "You are everything a girl could wish for." She leaned back, closer to him, enjoying his strong arms around her. "Anyone who says otherwise, doesn't know you."


	46. Love

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

The events from earlier kept racing through his mind; again and again he kept seeing flashes, his mother's bleeding face, the hatred churning in both of their eyes, the cuffs around Mateo's wrists, June's shocked expression. Tirelessly the images kept repeating themselves, until he felt sick. Even holding June in his arms wasn't enough to expel the coldness he felt. Lying here with her like this should have made him feel better but it only caused a pit to form in his stomach. Was she still angry with him for pushing for more than a kiss? He could still imagine her fingers around his dick and how good it had felt. And yet – the fact that she hadn't wanted to touch him for real, frustrated him. All he could do was accept that he had to wait until she was ready, but he found it hard. Harder than he had thought it would be, once he had felt her fingers brushing his skin he wanted more.

For more than a year now, he had been fantasizing about how it would feel to touch her. His hands were tingling at the thought of them gliding across her breasts, taking off her shirt, his lips trailing from her neck down to her navel. After that, his fingers would slowly slip farther, dipping into her panties and discovering if she kept her skin smooth or if he would find soft hair tickling his fingertips. He wanted to be able to look into her eyes, the moment he gently explored her private parts, their breathing heavy because of the thrill, a nervous smile on her lips showing him how she loved his touch.

His hand pressed onto his hard cock for a moment, closing his eyes he thought back to her fingers – how much pressure had they put? A moan almost escaping his lips, the idea of getting himself off while she was so close plagued him. Immediately he dropped the thought, feeling ashamed.

But wasn't she curious at all? Had she never fantasized about him in such a way? Or did girls like her not do such things? What _did_ they imagine? He remembered her drawings; a kiss, a hug, walking hand in hand. Much more innocent things, all except for the sketch where he had held her breast. But –

Suddenly June shot up in bed, screaming. His body jolted and he sat up too, his heart pounding in his chest.

"Hey..." A lump appeared in his throat as she started to cry. Quickly he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. "Hey, it's okay, it was just a nightmare baby." Gently he stroked her hair. She pressed her face against his shoulder, her tears sticking to his skin. Her shoulders were shaking and her fingertips were pressing against his bare back as she clung to him.

For a moment he let her cry, not knowing if he should say something or let her get it all out. In the end she pulled away from him, wiping her face sniffing.

"Sorry," she whispered, bending her head as she laid down again, her back towards him.

Juan hesitated. What should he do now? He couldn't pretend nothing happened. He wished he could get off the bed and kneel in front of her, but the bed was put against the wall. "Please, turn around June," he said in a soft but compelling tone.

At first he thought that she was going to ignore him, then she turned around. Her eyes were gleaming, she still seemed to be frightened.

"You wanna tell me about your nightmare?"

She dropped her eyes and muttered a soft "No."

On any other day he might have accepted that, but not now. "Were you dreaming about... what happened at my house?"

She pressed her lips together, still refusing to look him in the eye. With a restrained sigh he laid his hand against her cheek. "Sweetheart... please. Say something." Slowly, he caressed her skin with his thumb, a shiver moving through him as a tear trickled on his fingertip.

"I dreamed... that it was you. That your mom – that your mom had slammed your head against the sink. And – stabbed you. And I just stood there and I – I couldn't do anything."

His heart seemed to petrify, and with shaking arms he pulled her close. "I'm sorry," he whispered, burying his nose in her hair, hoping that her scent would calm him. "I'm so sorry."

She didn't answer.

He took a deep breath. "Maybe... maybe it would be better if we... if we broke up."

"What!" Wildly, she looked up, her eyes wide.

He didn't want to break up with her – God knew how much he needed her. But he also didn't want his insane family to cause her nightmares. There were already so many things she needed to worry about, he didn't want to be a burden to her. "You only met my mom one time and look what happened," he muttered. "You're having nightmares, you're crying... I – I wanna keep you safe June, happy. Not – not sad, not this." He pressed his lips together as he heard how fragile his voice sounded.

Although he tried to avoid her glance, she managed to catch it nevertheless. "Was it because of me? What happened today?"

"No!" he said quickly. "No sweetie, it's been a long time coming. I think – I think my mom was just waiting for a good moment to draw Mateo out."

"Then what good will it do if we break up? Your situation at home won't change."

"But you... you won't have to see things like that again."

"I'm glad I was there, Juan."

"W-what?"

"Of course it was horrible to see. But the thought of you being all alone – that's really scaring me." She laid a hand against his cheek, holding his glance. "I'm your girlfriend now, Juan. We might not be married, but for me that still means 'in sickness and in health'. There are going to be challenges within every relationship – and yeah, your family is a pretty big one. But the benefit of being in a relationship is that we face those challenges together. We share our suffering like we will share our joy."

A paralyzing feeling coursed through his arms. His eyes were itching, and he couldn't blink away the tears in time. "I love you June," he blurted out, his voice shaky. "God I love you so much. I already did before I was yours but... but..." Taking a deep breath, he tried to blink away more tears. He didn't want to cry, but he was just so touched by her words that it felt like a river was overflowing. He didn't care about what Mateo had told him; the warning that girls didn't want to hear words like that. If his stupid family wasn't able to scare her away, his words wouldn't do that either. "I don't even know…" he muttered. "I'm just... really grateful that I have you."

Another tear glided down, this time across her cheek, but she smiled. She leaned into him, softly their lips touched. Then she looked at him, her eyes so close to his that they were all he could see. They were hypnotizing, so beautiful that they cut off his breath.

"I love you too."

"You – you really do?" he stammered. "You – you don't have to say that because it's something you think you're maybe supposed to say. I know we haven't been together that long and..."

Her hand stroked his chest. His emotions were so close to the surface that her touch made him tremble. "Juan, I love you. If that horrible dream showed me one thing; it was that I love you." The blush on her cheeks made his chest rise with heat. "All though, I'm pretty sure I've known it a little longer."

Her lips touched his again, her tongue taking away every thought that wasn't fed by love. She moved over him more and more, completely losing herself in the kiss. Juan was aware of every tiny movement as she almost imperceptibly crawled on top of him. As their bodies pressed together, he felt light-headed. He tried to ignored his excitement, he didn't want to scare her, but his breathing became heavier and he enjoyed the feeling of the weight of her body on top of his so much that he could barely think.

June's lips left his, tracing kisses along his jaw, ghosting his neck. Although he had kissed her that way before, she had never done it herself. The longing for her drove him crazy, he lost control over his hands and let them slide from her hips to her bottom, the soft fabric caressing his hands. Without thinking, he pulled her tighter against his waist, grinding the bulge in his boxers along her softness, right when she nipped his neck. A deep moan escaped his lips – one that even startled himself. The friction along his erection was the best thing he had felt in a long time, but he knew he had to stop before it went too far. Taking his hands away from her bum, he wrapped his arms around her, rolling onto his side.

"I love you," he whispered against the crook of her neck, kissing her warm skin. "I'm sorry I got carried away again. I'm trying, I really am."

She stroked his hair, and even that caress made him close his eyes in enjoyment.

"It's okay. I get that your emotions are a big mess now and that you... prefer feeling like this than the other stuff." She kissed his forehead. "And besides you stopped it yourself this time."

"Yeah," he muttered, relieved that she wasn't mad. A slight smirk crossed his lips. "Eventually I'll learn."

With a smile she pressed her lips against his chin, right underneath his lip.

Lacing his fingers with hers, he waited until she looked up to him. "Lets agree that you give me a sign when you wanna go further, okay? Cause uh, well, there isn't really something I wouldn't want to do with you now." He felt his cheeks turn red. "But uh, I don't wanna push… I uh, I'd feel more relaxed if you'd tell me."

"Me too, I think," she admitted. She lowered her head on his shoulder and draped an arm across his stomach, her fingers curling around his hipbone.

He wrapped an arm around her back and kissed her temple. "I hope your next dream will be much more beautiful," he said, and with a teasing smile he added: "Like the one from the drawing."

She looked up to him, her cheeks a dark shade of red. "I hope that too," she said softly.

* * *

When Juan woke up next morning, he was surprised that there had been no nightmares to plague him through the night. Something warm was swirling through his chest; June loved him. She wanted to stay with him, despite everything that had happened yesterday. Then his thoughts traveled to his brother who had spent the night in a cold cell, all alone, and his mother who was in a hospital and he didn't even know how badly injured she was. Guilt started to gnaw at him – how could he still smile when his family was so fucked up? Carefully he moved away from June, who was still sleeping, and sat down at the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. It didn't take long before the screams of his mother forced themselves into his head again; before she looked at him again with that beastial look in her eyes convincing him that all of this was _his_ fault.

And maybe it was. He knew that Mateo made enough money to get an apartment himself. Juan was the only reason he didn't and he felt guilty because he knew that these fights would never have taken place if he hadn't existed. He was the person connecting two people who hated each other, who never would have had to see each again if it wasn't for him. And why? Because he hated being alone. Because he couldn't take care of himself. Because he was weak and always needed the company of others. His neediness was the reason why Mateo was in a cell right now, why his mother was in the hospital. It was all because of him.

Without noticing, he had started to cry. Again. Those damn tears! Why was he such a mess? He was acting like a baby! Angrily he wiped his cheeks clean, but his breathing had sped up as he ran out of air. He was such a weakling. Fuck, he was sixteen years old! He should be able to live without his older brother in his mom's house!

Juan shivered when two arms snaked around him from behind, holding him tight. He was conflicted; he wanted to lean back, to feel safe in her loving embrace, and at the same time he wanted to destroy this weak version of himself and man up, so he could look at the situation in the way Mateo would. With anger, without all those damn tears. He had to accept the situation at home; he needed to stop hoping for things to get better one day. He couldn't change anything and when Mateo realized that he could take care of himself he would move out and Juan would no longer be the cause of his problems.

"I'm okay now," he muttered, standing up. "Can we have breakfast?" Without looking at June, he started to clothe himself, hoping he had regained control over his emotions once he was done with that.

To give June some room to dress herself, he walked to the bathroom and washed his face. In the hallway he waited until June was ready.

"Can we talk about it before we go downstairs?" she asked quietly as she opened the door.

He snorted. "Don't wanna talk about it."

"But I do, Juan. I need that. I've never seen anyone fight before."

Hesitating, he looked at her, a little ashamed because he knew he was being selfish. "Okay," he gave in.

They sat down on the edge of the bed. June took his hand and looked up to him. "Does this happen often? Them becoming violent?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "It was never so bad that the cops and an ambulance were needed."

Her thumb stroked along his, in a way it calmed him down. "Has she ever hit you?"

Juan bent his head. "No," he muttered. "I think Mat woulda killed her, the moment she laid a hand on me. She knows that too."

"You're lucky to have a brother like him."

"Am I?" He couldn't help but sound bitter. "It sucks that he always has to stand up for me. That he thinks that I'm weak and in constant need of his protection."

"You're not weak, Juan."

He snorted again, his jaw tensed. "I did shit all yesterday."

"There was nothing you could do. What are you wishing for? That you were in the hospital now too? In jail?"

He shrugged. That sounded better than being a coward.

There was a long silence. Juan stared at the floor, countless thoughts racing through his mind until it felt like his ears were ringing.

"What did she tell you?" he asked after a long while. "Mateo wouldn't have attacked her for no reason, especially not with you around."

She sighed. "I don't know if..."

"You wanted to talk right?" he huffed. "I'm sure it's nothing she hasn't yelled at me before."

"She... she said that she thought that I was sweet and she didn't want me to become your toy. Mateo heard what she was saying and told her that you... love me. She laughed about it, told him the two of you weren't capable of loving someone. And then... then she said that he... that you..." Her hand tensed, she didn't finish her sentence.

Juan felt a stab in his stomach. He knew what she had said. Last time, those words had caused Mateo to flip out too. "She told you Mateo abuses me."

He heard her swallow, her breathing faltered. "Y-yeah."

Juan closed his eyes, anger fizzing through his veins. Why did she keep saying things like that? Who else did she tell those lies to?

"Is it – is it true? Does he... sometimes things that..."

"No June!" Fiercely he snapped his head to the side and looked at her. "I have no fucking clue where she got that from, but Mateo would never do such a thing. He'll give me a hug or a kiss at most – never on my lips. He ain't into guys especially ones that are related to him. And neither am I!" He laid a hand against her cheek, forcing her to look him in the eye. "You – you do believe me, right?"

Her eyes fluttered to the side. "I want to believe you," she said quietly. "But even if it was true, I think you could be too ashamed to admit it. It's just... I don't understand why she would say such a thing. And the way Mateo looked at me after hearing those words..." She shook her head.

"Well how would _you_ look at your sister's boyfriend when your mother told him that you abuse your little sister – right under your nose!" He barely noticed that he raised his voice, that he was almost yelling at her. "I'm sure he was terrified that you would believe her! The only time I've seen my brother cry, was when my mother spit out these words for the first time. He wouldn't even dare to lay an arm around my shoulders the first few days, afraid that I would think he wanted more."

She bowed her head. "Sorry," she whispered. "Sorry Juan. I'm just trying to understand it all... your mother."

He snorted. "Save yourself the trouble. She's just a heartless bitch. There's nothing to understand; she probably doesn't even understand her own behavior and is making up disgusting lies like this to justify something in her head. But it's not true, June – do you really think that of me? That I would let something like that happen to me? You think I'd like it? You think that just because I wanted you to hold my dick yesterday, I want everyone to do that?! Even my own fucking brother?!" The indignation was so heavy that he stood up and grabbed his bag. "I'm going to Emilio's. At least he doesn't think such disgusting things about me."

"Juan come on," she answered, sounding so annoyed that it surprised him. "I don't think those things about you! But I had to ask, why can't you see that? If I had a brother who was touching me according to my mom, would you pretend you never heard that? I don't think so. You would also want to make sure it was a lie."

With a deep sigh he dropped the bag. She had a point. There was no doubt he would have even done something more extreme to get the truth out of that brother.

She walked towards him and slipped her arms around his waist. "I believe you, okay? I won't tell anything about that to the cops when I give them my statement. But I couldn't pretend I'd never heard those accusations. I love you, Juan. I want you to be safe, and if Mateo had turned out to be a threat, I'd wanted to protect you from him. You know he has a reputation and I don't know him as well as you do, can you really blame me for being worried?"

"You don't have to protect me," he grunted. "I'm supposed to protect _you_." He hated the fact that she made him feel like a pussy again.

"No, Juan. I protect you, you protect me. That's how this works. We care for each other, we do everything we can to make each other happy. That's what a relationship is. That's what love is. It's more than just making the other happy; it's also about allowing someone else to make _you_ happy."

Her powerful words silenced him for a while. A few weeks ago it had taken her a lot of effort to have a conversation with him, but by now she really knew what to say to him.

A little awkwardly he pulled her in his arms, holding her close. "I don't know what to say, June."

"You don't have to say something all the time, Juan." She looked up to him and gave him a kiss. "Sometimes it's enough to just listen."

On a whim he lifted her up and laid her on the bed. "Hell no," he said, moving over her. "I can't pretend that those sweet words of yours don't affect me. But maybe I'm a man preferring deeds over words."

She laughed softly as his fingers raked through her hair and his lips brushed hers. Gently he bit her bottom lip. "Can't think of a better breakfast than this."


	47. Feeling Home

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

"Juan... Please, come sit."

Juan took a deep breath as he heard the weak, but compelling voice. Wiping his sudden clammy hands to his pants, he looked at the woman who was sitting on the bed, leaning against a pile of pillows. She patted at the mattress.

Swallowing a bundle of nerves, he did as she asked. Had he done something wrong? Did she think it was time for him to go home? Three days had passed since the incident with his family. All that time he had stayed in this house – and right now there wasn't even anyone else around. The twins were at a birthday party for one of their friends and June had gone to see Shawna, who had called her in panic.

Juan had stayed behind. Just like the days before, he kept himself busy by doing some chores – he wanted to give June's family something in return and keep his mind off of everything else. This morning he had gone to the hardware store to get a couple pieces of acrylic glass for the shed. The windows had been broken during a storm a while back, but June wasn't great with tools and her younger siblings even less. He had fixed some other stuff too; he liked it, it made him feel useful and it would keep him from suffocating June by being around her all the time.

"Why don't you watch some tv, hmm? You're so busy all the time..." She laid a frail hand upon his. Awkwardly, he stared at it.

"I don't mind," he muttered. "I uh, I like helping."

June's mother – Hannah – gave him a compassionate look. "We appreciate that. But you should relax a bit too, Juan. I only want you to feel comfortable in this house." She squeezed his fingers and pulled back her hand. Turning away from him, she lost herself in a bad cough.

A little tense, Juan watched her. What if she choked? If her lungs stopped working – was that possible? What if her tongue became paralyzed? He didn't understand the disease very well and he found it difficult to talk about it with June.

"Could you hand me a glass of water?" she asked in a raspy voice.

Juan shook off the panic that had caught him for a moment and hurried towards the kitchen, muttering an apology. Worried, he gave her the glass of water, of which she took careful sips.

"How was the last school year for you?" she asked as her breathing had normalized. "Have you already picked your classes for next year?"

"I want to focus on I.T. I think I want to do something with programming in the future." His words caused a blush on his cheeks; ever since he knew that June wanted to develop graphics for games, he was dreaming about working on a game together; she providing the graphics and he the more technical parts.

While Hannah continued the conversation in a casual way, Juan noticed that he was slowly relaxing, secretly feeling happy about the interest she showed. Even when her eyes drooped now and then, he knew that she was still listening.

He thought about his own mother. Yesterday, June had persuaded him to go to the hospital, but when they got there she had barely been approachable. She had ended up with a fractured skull and had lost conscious a few times. There was also a hematoma in her eye socket, and there was a chance she might have permanent brain damage. In all actuality he hadn't wanted to go; he had been emotional because they had just heard that Mateo was probably facing six weeks of imprisonment on assault charges.

How long she had to stay in the hospital, they didn't know. As soon as she was released, he knew he would be the one taking care of her. There simply was no one else. A part of him didn't even want to nurse her – it had been her own sick lies that had led to this – but she was still his mother and he still blamed himself for their fight.

There wasn't much he could do about it and so he began preparing himself for the weeks he would be alone with his mother. Maybe he could convince Mateo afterwards that he could handle himself enough that his brother would start looking for his own apartment. Maybe that would alleviate some of the stress at home, and if he felt really lonely he could always visit June's family.

* * *

At Hannah's insistence, he watched tv for a while after she had been too tired to keep a conversation going. Doing nothing however made him feel restless and he found it hard to concentrate on the show he was watching.

After twenty minutes his phone went off. Turning down the volume of the tv, he headed outside leaving the door ajar.

"Yo," Emilio said as soon as Juan had taken the call. "You're gonna be at El Torro tonight right?"

Juan hesitated. Clamping the phone between his shoulder and ear, he pried a cigarette out of the box and lit it. "Dunno," he answered. "June has her violin lessons tonight, I don't know if she's gonna be in the mood to go somewhere after that."

"So? You two sewn together or somethin'? You can't do shit without her now?"

"Of course I can," he answered annoyed. "But I can't just blow into her house in the middle of the night, when everyone is asleep."

"Why not? And you can crash at my place, you know that."

"I'd rather sleep next to her," he said softly. "She – she's been havin' some nightmares, waking up all upset. About my mom."

"Your ma has been givin' me nightmares for years." He could almost see Emilio's smirk. "You never cared about that though huh?"

Emilio's tone told him that he tried to keep things light, and somehow he was grateful for that. "She's with Shawna now. I'll ask her tonight if she wants to come with me or if I can take the key, okay?" He was silent for a while. "But I don't want the others to know. About the stuff with Mateo and ma."

Yesterday he had spent almost half an hour catching up with Emilio, informing him about the situation, but that didn't mean that anyone else needed to know.

"I know man. So what, you're stuck at that house while she isn't even there? Why didn't you call me man. I'm bored."

"It wasn't planned... something was wrong with Shawna. So I just did some chores and I'm gettin' ready to make some food now."

Emilio let out a disbelieving laugh. "What the hell? You their fucking maid now?"

"No," he grunted. "I'm just helping 'em out. The twins aren't home, and her mom's too sick to do anything."

Emilio was silent for a while. "Is her mom really that sick?"

Juan took a deep breath, held it in for a moment and blew out the smoke. Maybe his friend would be a little more understanding if he knew how tough things were for June. "Yeah, she's never gonna get better either. Doctors gave her two years at most."

Another silence. "Shit man," Emilio said eventually.

"Yeah..."

"What is it?"

"Some kind of muscle disease, its paralysing her muscles one by one. I think that's – that's why June is always so quiet."

"Jeez. Now I feel like a dick man."

And with good reason, Juan thought. He had certainly pushed some boundaries. Tapping the ash off his cigarette, he said: "I see you tonight, okay? I'll be there, with or without June."

"Okay bro. We miss ya."

It had been a while since they had all been able to hang out as a group, something always came up. Mostly it was him wanting to spend time with June, he had to admit. "Miss you guys too." It was true, he was actually looking forward to spending an evening playing pool and catching up. He hadn't had the chance to introduce June to his friends yet and he really wanted to.

* * *

Juan was busy preparing dinner when the door opened, letting him know that the twins were home. April walked up to him immediately, excitedly telling him what they had done today and how many points she had scored during their bowling game. Her sister started to help him chop the vegetables, giving him a smile that was so similar to June's.

"That's a really good score!" he said to April, where after he turned towards May. "What about you? Did you like the party too?"

She nodded briefly. "Yea it was fun. But I'm not that good at bowling."

"It's impossible to be worse than me," he winked. "Maybe the four of us should go bowling someday."

"Oh yes! We've never done that!" April clapped her hands enthusiastically. "You're such a cool brother!" Suddenly she hugged his waist. "I have always wanted a big brother!"

A little awkwardly Juan laid his hand on her shoulder. His eyes met Hannah's, and when she showed him a warm smile he felt that shiver underneath his skin again. If it was possible, he would have stayed here instead of going back to his own house.

"Juan..." May asked in a serious tone while she was cutting the zucchini into tiny pieces. "Are you going to marry June?"

"Um..." A little dumbfounded he stared at the girl, his cheeks turning red. "Well uh, well... we're a little too young to get married. But uh yeah, maybe, in a few years. If she would like that."

"Of course she does!" April sang. "And then we will be your bridesmaids, right? Then we can wear beautiful dresses, May! And help by holding flowers – or the rings!"

Juan chuckled softly at the sight of her bright face. He wondered where they would be in five years. Then he would be twenty-one. Would he still remember this conversation? Would June still be with him, would they really be able to make plans to get married? He tried to picture her in a white dress, there was no doubt that she would look gorgeous. Soon however the gloominess set in – her mother wouldn't be there. She wouldn't be able to see her children marry, she would never hold a grandchild in her arms. Suddenly his chest felt heavy and as his mood sunk he continued slicing, while the excited chatter of the two girls – who were too young to understand – slowly drifted away.

* * *

Juan was so deep in thoughts that he didn't notice June's arrival before her arms glided around his waist. Putting away the food, he turned around and pulled her into a tight hug.

"How's Shawna doing?" he asked quietly.

June sighed softly. "Her brother is autistic and he ran away from home after another fight with their parents. We managed to find him after an hour, but Shawna was really upset because her father blamed her for not looking after her little brother."

"Shit... that sounds… really rough."

"Yeah," she sighed. "It doesn't get easier even though it's happened before. How did everything go here?"

"Good. I mounted new acrylic glass in the shed and I fixed that light in the pantry."

A teasing smile crossed her lips. "We aren't going to let you leave if you go on like this."

"Oh, only because I'm a good caretaker?"

Laughing softly, she gave him a kiss. "No. There are many, many more reasons."

Juan turned back to the pan to give it a stir. Despite everything that was going on, he felt remarkably content when her arms slid around him again, holding him close.

"You wanna meet my friends tonight? Emilio called to see if I'd be heading to _El Torro_. I can go alone, but I'd love you to come with me." He looked over his shoulder.

Hesitation was burning in her eyes. "Are they uh, are they all like Emilio?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "He is definitely the worst." When that didn't seem to make her feel better about it, he suggested: "Why don't you ask Jordy to join us? If that'll make you feel more relaxed? I don't mind."

She studied his face. "You really wouldn't mind?"

"No, not at all. I'd like too see our friends merge. That's probably never going to happen with Beth and Shawna is probably a bit too shy, but Jordy knows how to handle herself, and she'll get along well with Riley."

"Okay. I'll ask her. But I have my violin lessons first, kay?"

He nodded. "I know. But nobody's gonna be there before nine anyway, and we can always go a little later."

She squeezed him in her arms. "I'm already nervous," she admitted. "But I do want to get to know them."

"I'm sure they'll like you." He gave her a wink, with his thumb he caressed her knuckles.

Deep inside however, Juan had to admit that he was nervous too. June was different from his friends – one look was enough to notice that. He didn't know if she would fit in, if she would feel comfortable... but this was something they couldn't avoid. His friends were important to him and June was too. Especially since his best friend wasn't too fond of her, he hoped she _did_ impress the others. It was hard to imagine how she would react if they tried to rattle her the way Emilio did. Maybe it would be better if Jordy was around too. If there was anyone who could shift the attention onto herself instead of June, it was her.


	48. Dates

_(Edited)_

 **THE PAST**

Right before they went inside, Juan stopped and looked to June, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. June was so nervous her legs were almost shaking, which she was sure he had noticed.

"I'm sure they'll like you baby."

She dropped her eyes. "Your best friend hates me already..."

"My best friend just happens to be a dumb ass when it comes to girls," he answered, shrugging his shoulders. "When he called me this afternoon I told him a bit about what's going on with your family. How sick your mom is and that was why you're so quiet. Even without my help, he realized that he had been acting like a jerk. I doubt that he'll have the balls to apologize, but he does regret what he did."

June was a little overwhelmed and didn't know how to answer. She didn't want to hope that Emilio would change – he had said much worse things to her friends before and she was even a little afraid that he would now use her mother's health the next time he felt the need to lash out at her. However she didn't dare to share that thought with Juan, he couldn't change anything about it anyways, so she just nodded. "I guess it will all work out."

"Of course it will." He showed her a smile spreading warmness to the furthest corners of her body, and right at that moment she couldn't care less if they would like her or not – as long as he did.

His fingers laced with hers and he squeezed her hand before they headed inside.

June had never been in a bar before. The music was loud and there was a blur of cigarette smoke. Although there was a good chance that none of Juan's friends were twenty-one, there was already beer bottles scattered across the table top.

As the couple caught the attention of the boys they started to cheer and whistle, making everyone else look at them. With hot cheeks she peeked aside. Juan was still smiling, although there was a different look in his eyes now, as if he was proud.

He greeted his friends as they stood in front of the table and wrapped an arm around her waist. "This is June, my girl," he introduced her.

"That's one beautiful lady you got there, Juan," the boy who sat closest to them said, smirking and winking to June where after he held out his hand. "Armando."

When she wanted to shake his hand, he pressed a kiss to the back of it. She felt how Juan tensed, how he pulled her closer like he wanted to stress that she was taken.

To shake off the awkwardness, she shook hands with the others boys and Riley too. She recognized some of them as they had shared classes, but none of them had ever spoken a word to her. At last she found herself in front of Emilio. Shaking his hand felt weird, but she felt it would be odd if she skipped him.

Emilio seemed to feel it too, as he stood up and spread his arms. "C'mon Junie, by now we've reached the hug phase, right?"

She didn't dare to say that she rather wouldn't and she allowed his embrace in silence. That he was subtly pushing Juan to the side, didn't escape her attention.

"C'mon girl, a hug goes both ways. Wrap your arms around me," he whispered in her ear.

She wanted to push him away, but that would only raise questions from the others and Emilio knew that damn well. Unwillingly she closed her arms around him, briefly, then she struggled out of his embrace.

With a smirk Emilio turned towards Juan to give him a hug as well, but at the sight of his friend's dark look he furrowed his eyebrows. "Gonna play the possessive boyfriend now huh? It was just a hug – consider it as my peace offerin'." He gave her a wink and wrapped an arm around Juan's shoulder. "Don't be so jealous homes. We both know she wouldn't even fuck me if I was the last person on earth."

"Well that's certainly true," she muttered.

He chuckled as he caught her answer. "You gonna change your mind about that some day, honey. One day I'll be your number two." He aimed his attention to Juan and nudged his shoulder. "Number two, ya hear me? Ain't gonna steal her from you man."

June startled when she felt an arm around her shoulder, but relaxed a little as she discovered that it was Riley. "Let's leave those two fight it out. The best way to tolerate E is to only reply to like five percent of anything he's sayin' and not even listen to the rest." She let out a bright laugh and led her to the bar. "What would you like to drink? This is my uncle's place, so he's cool with tossin' some beers towards us, but there's soda too."

"Eh, a cola?"

"Alrighty." Riley leaned over the bar towards the bartender. "This my cousin, Vic. This is June," she continued. "She's Juan's girl."

The man lifted the corner of his mouth. "I'm not surprised that he's the first of your loser friends who knows how to get a chick. What can I get for you honey?"

June repeated the words she had spoken to Riley and took the drink a moment later. Her eyes fluttered across the room. Close to her sat some tough looking guys with leathers cuts, and she shyly turned away her face when one of them made eye contact.

"You two are a cute couple, June," Riley said, sipping from her drink. "I'm glad you didn't let Beth stop you. That boy is very much in love with you."

June blushed and looked to the small group. He had sat down, but his eyes were still resting on her and the moment their eyes locked, he showed her his shiny smile again. She smiled back – for a moment she forgot about everything around her, until Riley chuckled softly.

"And it looks like he's not the only one rockin' a huge crush."

With still glowing cheeks she turned back. "It uh, it all still feels so unreal. Apparently we had feelings for each other for like more than half a year before we even talked for the first time."

"Yeah, he kept it real quiet huh? I only found out after prom, when I asked him where he went that night."

"I actually thought he was joking when he asked me to prom," she admitted. "He had never said a single word to me."

Riley chuckled. "Yeah, sounds like Juan. Not daring to say something to his crush for months, but still able to work up the nerves to ask somethin' big like that."

Chatting, they walked back to the others. June felt comfortable around Riley, but when they had returned to the guys, she didn't know what to do. The seats next to Juan were taken, but with a smirk making the blood flow faster through her veins he leaned back and offered her a place to sit – right on his lap.

She walked over to him and put her drink on the table. Then she sat down on his lap, internally glowing when he wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss in her neck.

Actually she had been afraid that he wouldn't want to show affection when his friends were around, but he clearly didn't mind. So she leaned against his chest and played with his fingers as she listened to their conversation and tried to remember their names. No one talked directly to her, but she was glad about it, feeling comfortable in just listening to them.

"What the fuck is she doin' here?" Emilio yelled all of a sudden, disturbing someone else's story.

June looked to the entrance and found Jordy. She waved enthusiastically to them, Emilio's comment didn't seem to bother her at all. She hugged the boys and Riley one by one, and June also stood up to embrace her friend, followed by Juan.

"Don't you dare," Emilio huffed when she turned towards him.

"Ah come on! Holding you in my arms was the only reason I hugged all of your friends."

He rolled his eyes. "In your dreams."

Jordy started to laugh. "Well this is gonna be one boring date bro."

"Date? Did you fall on your head? I rather go out with a dude than with you."

Jordy turned toward Juan. "You didn't tell him?"

"Uh no, not yet."

June looked over her shoulder and was greeted by an amused grin. "You owe her a date. Jordy helped out with some things for June and me at prom and she wanted a date with you in return." He shrugged his shoulders innocently. "And you wanted to be my wing man, so I assumed you wouldn't mind helpin' me out."

Jordy flopped down on Emilio's lap and wrapped an arm around his neck. "So... unless you're a guy without honour, we're gonna have a date." She winked. "And you'll discover that I'm not that horrible."

For a few wonderful moments Emilio didn't seem to know what to answer. "No fuckin' way man," he said eventually.

"C'mon, don't be such a baby. Have you ever even been on a date?"

He snorted. "No. I'm not into all that pussy crap. All I want is a hot night."

"Can give you that too."

"I said a _hot_ night."

"A very hot night," she winked. "Even you should know that spending the night with me can't possibly be boring... unless you suck at pleasuring a woman." She squeezed his cheek. "But don't worry baby, I'll teach you if you fail."

A glow spread across Emilio's cheeks.

"Holy shit," Juan laughed. "Never thought I'd get to see _you_ turn red."

"That's just annoyance," Emilio grumbled as he tried to push Jordy off his lap. "No fucking way I'm going on a date with her."

"Oh you don't know what you're missin', E," Riley smirked. "Of all the people I kissed, Jor is undoubtedly top three."

"What... when did the two of you kiss?" Emilio's eyes widened.

"Well… Among other things, yeah… back in 8th grade," Jordy answered. "I like to experiment now and then." She wiggled her eyebrows.

Riley stood up when Juan tightened his grasp around June, resting his chin on her shoulder. "Yo lovebirds, you're in for a game of pool? This lovey-dovey stuff is makin' us jealous man. Lemme see if you can do more than swoon." The girl sent them a wink and pulled the guy next to her on his feet. "You'll be my partner."

June and Juan stood up and walked with Riley. With a smug smile Riley looked at them. "Those two need some time alone." She signalled with her eyes to Emilio and Jordy. "Something's blooming there."

Juan raised his eyebrows. "Ya think?"

"Jordy obviously likes him."

"She does?" Juan gave June a surprised look.

She nodded slowly, remembering how hurt she had felt when he had kissed someone else at prom. "Don't ask me why," she muttered. "But do you think he also...?"

"Oh absolutely. I know E since we were both in diapers. He needs someone who dares to put him in place and hell, she even managed to get him all rosy." She chuckled softly. "Jordy's cool. It will probably take eternity before he dares to admit that he likes her since she doesn't look like she stepped outta a playboy magazine, but I can see it happening. Just look at 'em. They're arguin' but she's still on his lap while there's an empty seat next to him."

Juan lowered the cue until it was touching the ground, shaking his head. "No way. She's not his type, not at all."

"According to him, June isn't your type either," she shrugged. "And yet you two are cute as hell. But if you're convinced you know E better than I do, we should make a bet. Case of beer?"

"Deal."

"With a date for me when I win. You're not the worst matchmaker I've met, maybe you can get me a chick too."

"I barely know any girls who are into girls."

"Beth," June muttered. "But she'll try to force you to end your friendship with Juan," she added embittered.

Riley started to laugh. "Yeah I'm not _that_ desperate. She at least has to know how to smile."

Her eyes shot towards the booth where her friends were sitting. The boy next to her wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "You mean someone like Jordy? You're still a little in love with her huh?"

Riley shrugged her shoulders. "She's still cool, but after our little adventure she concluded that she preferred guys. Unfortunately for me." She smirked. "But I'm sure Juan can come up with someone else."

"Let's see if you're right first. I really can't see it happening between them."

Neither could June – she had to admit. And she didn't _want_ to see it happen; it was annoying enough that he was Juan's best friend, she shuddered to think that he would also become her best friend's lover.

She could do much better.


	49. Trust

_(Edited )_

 **THE PRESENT**

Juice tried to focus on the rippling water, like he used to do when he needed to unwind. Often she had been there with him. He would lean against the pillar of the bridge, holding her in his arms, content with the silence. Once he was in Charming, the water had only made him restless, stirring up a longing for better days. A long ride was what had helped him to clear his head every once in a while, but the bad thoughts were always quick to return.

And it wasn't any different this time.

He had a son.

Emilio was sleeping with June.

He had a fifteen year old son.

Emilio had been sharing a bed with June for five years.

The two thoughts kept haunting him – circling each other – one not more painful than the other. Suddenly all the problems he had with the Sons no longer seemed to be important, like that part of his life had been a dream. A volatile dream – a nightmare. Had he really fallen into the hands of his brothers than coming back and facing these facts? The thought of Emilio and June together tore him apart, the knowledge that his kid had grown up without a father squeezing his throat.

Maybe they were right, he was better off dead. If he still had his gun, he might have considered it. Right here, right now. He knew that it would cause June an awful lot of pain, but he was sure that after a period of mourning she would move on, with her family. She knew now what had happened, why he had left. Maybe that was enough for her to make peace with the past. Maybe she would finally be able to feel happy again.

Juice was sickened by his thoughts. He had always thought he was a coward – and now after all this time, it turned out that he still was. June was right: he couldn't run away from this. This was his kid, he needed to take responsibility; if his son even wanted to see his father, after all the years that had gone by. He couldn't imagine the types of stories June had told him, if she even bothered to tell him anything at all.

Sighing, his fingernails scraped his scalp. His stomach was growling now, reminding him that he had eaten about as much as he had slept last night. When he got caught in the rain, he had found shelter in someone's barn and had managed to leave before someone had noticed him.

What should he do now?

His thoughts were like a knot of tangled rope. He had to talk to someone, had to share his worries, consider all the options he had. Did he want Rafi to know him, knowing he didn't have long to live? Or was it wiser to stay out of his life – or should he spend the little time he had left well?

Chewing on his lip, he took his phone in his hand. He didn't think it was wise to talk with June about this, the both of them would become too emotional. He had to talk with someone who would understand him – a man.

And even though Emilio was probably the last person he wanted to see right now, he sent June a text asking for his number. He knew Rafi. He would know what was best for the boy, what was best for June.

 _You got any pot?_ was all he sent to his former friend.

It didn't take long before he received an answer. _Know where to get it. Where are you? I'll take a few hours off._

Juice rubbed his forehead. Should he really go through with this? What if he lost it again when he saw Emilio and managed to actually hurt him this time, wouldn't that only cause June even more pain? And not only June – also her sons... _his_ son.

He had no other options though, he didn't want to see June again before he had pulled himself together.

* * *

Half an hour later Emilio dropped down next to him on the waterfront, handing him a joint in silence and lighting another one himself.

Juice took a drag, staying focused on the water. His head was pounding and he felt sick. Sitting here together called up memories of the time they had still been inseparable. A lump formed in his throat as he realized it wasn't only June who he had missed. He had missed Emilio too – the old Emilio, the one who had been his best friend before he had stabbed him in the back when he tried to rape his girl.

He however couldn't say it out loud. Instead he kept staring forward, asking him a complete different question. "You fucked her last night?" He didn't know if he wanted to know the answer, he didn't even know why he asked it at all. Maybe to see if Emilio truly felt any regret.

"She's my girlfriend, Juan. And after everything that had happened yesterday she needed a bit of a distraction."

Juice's muscles tensed. Clenching his fists, he kept staring at the water, afraid he would kill him otherwise. The idea that she had been sleeping with Emilio just a few hours after they had kissed, iced his heart.

"We got a little carried away playin' out this fantasy about a threesome. With you. It made her so fuckin' horny."

Juice snapped his head to the side. "Don't talk about her like she's some whore."

"I'm not," Emilio answered calmly. "You think I can only get whores wet? She was fucking dripping as she whispered how much she would enjoy feelin' you inside her as her lips would be wrapped around my dick."

Juice gritted his teeth, doing everything possible not to grab him by the neck and push his head into the water, keeping him there until he had drowned. "You're an asshole."

"What?" Emilio leaned back in the grass, looking at him from aside. "C'mon man, we used to talk about sex all the time."

" _You_ used to talk about sex all the time."

Emilio smirked. "True. Always almost had to beat your stories out of ya."

Juice glared at him. June might claim that Emilio had become another person, but so far, he thought that Emilio hadn't changed a bit.

"C'mon man. That's what you wanted to hear right? That she still wants you? That she came harder than ever, just because she imagined you were the one inside her? Why else would you ask that kinda question."

"Well maybe I was hopin' for a little bit of decency. Maybe, that you truly regret about what you did, instead of fuckin' her again only a few hours later, knowin' how much that would hurt me."

Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "She's my girl now man. Has been for five years – no less than the amount of time the two of had been together. I know she's gonna dump me for you, only a matter of time, so can you really blame me for wantin' to enjoy her a little longer? I don't know what it is with that girl, but she's the only woman I ever loved, same as you."

Juice breathed in deeply, sucking the smoke into his lungs. "She said she didn't know if we could ever get back together again."

"She's cautious. She has been since the day you left, she's always been afraid I would disappear too. It'll take time before you've earned her trust again and even then I don't think that the fear will ever truly go away."

Juice knew it wasn't because of him – it had been that way since her father had abandoned her. But yeah, what he had done had undoubtedly increased that fear. Now he wished he had called, had sent her a letter to explain why he had to leave.

"So... you're gonna stay?" Emilio ended the silence that had fell between them.

"I dunno." Pulling up his knees, he bent his head. "I still hate you. I don't know how June has ever been able to forgive you, and I don't think I can. But you know her, you know my son... you know what's best for them. If I should leave or stay... or at least try to stay," he sighed. "I'm in deep shit and any day might be my last."

"You betrayed your club?"

Juice tensed. He had no idea what hit him harder; that it was so obvious that he would do such a thing or that the man still knew him so well after fifteen years.

"A while back we had some heat on us and the cops runnin' the show found out that my old man was black. They knew the club wasn't down and blackmailed me into givin' em some intel about the deals we were makin' with a few heavy hitters, they promised me they would leave out the club. So I stole a bit of coke for them and tried to quit after, but I was too deep in. They kept wanting more. In the end the club found out, gave me another chance if I killed this girl. But she was innocent and it was killin' me and I accidentally confessed what I did to someone who had been close to her."

Emilio's eyes widened and he cursed. Only then, Juice noticed that he was so used to violence and killing that he hadn't even realized that he was confessing a murder to someone who wasn't familiar with this shit at all.

"I've killed people. For the club. For myself. I've been to jail three times now, and I have worked with a cartel, sold illegal guns. I'm fucked up man. I got in so deep. How can I ever be a dad? How can I ever be with a girl like June? She will hate me for what I have become – and every day I risk the chance that they will find me and put a bullet in my brain." He took a deep breath as tears began to glide down his cheeks. "I don't know what to do man. I wanna be a father to my kid, and I don't wanna leave her again but I'm terrified that I will only hurt them. What do they need me for? They've got you."

A vibration went through his chest when Emilio wrapped an arm around him and leaned with his head against Juice's. "Don't underestimate June. She loves you, no matter what. She was even able to forgive me. And I love you too. I have so many regrets of the things I've done in the past. I love you like a brother and I don't give a fuck about what things you've done."

"You say that now, but one day you'll realize what I've done and you'll spit in my face like everyone else has."

"Your seem to be forgettin' that your brother was a criminal too and you still loved him, we both did, even though you didn't approve what he did. It's the same for us, Juan. We love you, okay? We can work this out man. We'll just get you a new ID."

"Yeah? Where?" he muttered. "I know nobody round here."

"But I do. Riley has a girl who's workin' here, I don't know all of it but I know she has some pull and they gave her all new docs man… they look super legit."

"How?"

"With help of the club."

 _With help of the club._

Suddenly it felt like ice was in his veins and he yanked himself away from Emilio's embrace. "You wanna take me to the Mayans?" He clenched his fists, squeezing his eyes to slits. "You're screwin' with me huh? You really think I ever gonna get close to an MC again? Fuck this shit, you _want_ them to find me so you have June for yourself again!"

His voice cracked, his fingernails were cutting the palm of his hands. He managed to turn away from Emilio instead of starting a fight and rushed to his bike. Tears of powerlessness burning in his eyes.

He had almost fallen for it. Would he ever learn from his mistakes? He could trust no one; certainly not someone who had stabbed him in the back before.


	50. Choices

_(E_ _dited)_

 **THE PRESENT**

With a sigh Emilio got up. "You're bein' paranoid man! You really think June would ever look at me again if I turned you over to your club?"

The fact that Juan was expecting him to do something so low, stung and even though he knew that everyone who he had trusted over the past few years had turned their backs on him, it didn't make it hurt less.

"I'm tryin' to help you man. You think yer gonna last much longer if ya keep livin' like this? Lookin' over your shoulder the whole time, and runnin' away every time a fuckin' shadow moves?" He walked toward Juan. He was still sitting on his bike, but he hadn't started the engine yet, his gaze focused on the handlebars. The muscles in his arms were tense and Emilio's glance rested upon the Reaper.

"We have to black out that tattoo."

" _We_ ain't gonna do anything," Juan grumbled. He looked up, the hatred was flaring in his eyes. "There's no _we_ and there never will be."

Emilio rolled his eyes. "You called me for a reason, Juan. What's the point in askin' for help if your just gonna reject it anyway?"

"I just needed a joint."

"Bullshit. You wanted advice about June and Rafi." His hands slipped into his pockets and he came to stand next to Juan. For some reason there was a weak feeling in his knees – a nervousness that he was unfamiliar with, his breath catching in his chest.

Juan sighed, glanced briefly at him and slid off his bike. His hands patted his pockets and Emilio sensed that he was looking for a cigarette, and offered him his own pack.

In silence Juan lit the cigarette and tucked away the pack in his own pocket.

Emilio realized that he should be the one starting a conversation as the silence descended; "Listen, we don't have to get you a new ID right now. As long as you're laying low and don't end up in the hospital or get into trouble with the cops you'll be fine. Why don't ya come stay at our house for a few days. Get to know your son a little, spend some time with us... I dunno, ease into the idea that there are still people who care about you. If you feel like you're ready for it, you tell Rafi that you're his father and if you come to the conclusion that you'd rather leave, you'll have at least tried. You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself."

Juan raised his eyebrows, giving him a dismissive look. "You really want me to sleep under the same roof as you?"

Emilio shrugged. "I won't even mind if you'd sleep in the same bed." He smirked. "You can't tell me you've never had a threesome in that clubhouse of yours."

"Yeah but not with guys," he answered, rolling his eyes.

They briefly looked at each other and for a short moment it seemed like Juan was lifting the corner of his mouth. Then his gaze turned dark again, like he had forgotten for a moment who was standing next to him – and what he had done.

"Do you even love her? The thought that she's been doin' it with someone else hurts, but you... every time it comes up you seem to think it's _funny._ "

Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "Any other guy I woulda punched in the face if they'd touched June, but not you. Since the first time June and I kissed, I knew she still had feelings for you. Imagining the two of you having sex... it just feels natural." He grinned, with a shrug. "Just good porn to me cause that's hard to find these days."

Even now though they had been heading to a serious conversation, the thought of a threesome – or just watching Juan and June – turned him on.

"So yeah, I love her," he answered, mainly to distract himself from his pants as they started to feel tight. "I love her enough to give her up for you if she decides she wants that. If you decide to stay with her." He held his glance. "But if you break her heart again I'll kill you."

Juan dropped his eyes. "Think I would already do that myself." He let out a deep sigh. "Don't you think I'm gonna cause problems for your little family if I live with them for a while?"

"You're Rafi's father. You're part of that family."

Juan looked up again. Emilio saw a vulnerability in his eyes that made him want to pull him into a hug. His own family had always been fucked up, and he had always longed for a family to replace his own. This time, hope was gleaming in his eyes again.

He laid an arm around Juan's shoulder and looked at him. "I know you still hate me. But to me, you'll always be my brother. My house is yours, my kids are yours and yes, even my girl can be yours." He smirked. "I'm kinda generous, don't ya think?"

When Emilio caught his glance, there was a weird but pleasant feeling in his stomach. Maybe Juan wasn't ready to admit it to himself – and certainly not to him – but Emilio could read his longing for their former friendship in his eyes.

He missed the old times too.

"Wanna ask June how she feels about it?" he suggested.

Juan heaved another sigh. "Okay, fine. Don't know what else to do anyway. Can't keep usin' someone's barn to get some sleep."

* * *

Since the moment Juan had asked for Emilio's number, June was nervous. Of course she hoped that the two would be able to bury their differences, but she was more afraid that things would get out of hand, resulting in a phone call from the hospital.

When she heard the rumbling of a bike, she held her breath. Walking to the window, she saw that the vehicle parked close to her door. Her heart sputtered in her chest when Juan got off it and took off his helmet. He glanced over his shoulder towards the car that was parking a little away from him, then he caught her standing behind the window.

She felt her cheeks glow as their eyes met, and immediately her legs seemed to be made of jelly. No matter how horrible he felt, how exhausted he looked – butterflies began racing inside her stomach the moment he looked at her. As she headed to the front door there was only one thing on her mind – and that was holding him in her arms.

As soon as she had opened the door, she pulled him in her arms, holding him so tight that he was gasping for breath. Tears stung her eyes. She had been so afraid that she would never see him again, that him showing up at her door was really just a dream.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. She could feel his lips in her hair. "I shouldn't have left you like that yesterday."

"It's okay," she said quietly. With closed eyes she leaned into his embrace. She wanted to get closer to him, wanted to feel his warm skin on hers like in the old days.

When she opened her eyes again, she found herself looking right into Emilio's face. When they had been younger there had always been a sneering grin on his face on moments like this, now there was just a sad smile. He briefly rubbed her back and kissed her cheek as he walked past them.

She swallowed, feeling a stab in her heart. The wings of the butterflies froze and crashed down, and she let go of Juan and stared a little ashamed at the ground.

She was still with Emilio. She couldn't long for her ex in such a way. He might want to give them the feeling he didn't mind, but she could see in his eyes that it was just an act and that it did hurt him to see them like this.

Awkwardly Juan and June went into the living room. Emilio stood next to the kitchen table and pressed a kiss against Glenn's head, who had been coloring. As soon as he noticed his father, he wrapped his small arms around his waist.

She looked to the side. Juan's eyes were fixed at the man, and there was no doubt in her mind that he was thinking about his own son and all the years he had missed.

"How are you doin'?" she asked softly as she realized that she had barely said a word to him.

He rubbed his head. "Still a mess in here." Skittishly he glanced at Emilio. "I uh – I just needed to talk to another man. I don't want to burden you with all my shit and well – he still has a lot of makin' up to do."

"I'm glad the two of you returned without new bruises," she said. "I didn't dare to hope for that."

His brown eyes rested in hers. She saw that he lifted his hand, but when it was halfway to her face he lowered it. His shoulders slumped down.

Even though it caused a conflicting feeling, June was glad that he had changed his mind. It was for the best that they didn't show affection when the children were around.

Emilio returned to them and they sat down on the couch; Juan sitting on one and Emilio and June on the other. Not knowing what to expect, she looked back and forth between the two men, until Emilio started to speak.

"I told him he could live here for a while. If you agree with it, of course."

June's eyes widened. She felt offended because he presented that choice to her in such a way, with Juan just a meter away from her. But this was typical Emilio – tossing out a suggestion like this and not thinking about the possible consequences until someone pointed them out.

"He can't," she said quietly. "He can stay at Jordy's place."

"He has the right to get to know his son, June."

She dropped her eyes. She knew that. "Does that mean that you're staying?" she asked Juan. "Believe me, I want Rafi to get to know his dad, but not if that means you'll disappear again. The moment he knows that you're his father, you will have to _be_ his father."

"I can't make that decision yet," Juan muttered. "But I want to get to know him. He – he doesn't need to know that I'm his father. Just... just introduce me as a friend."

"We can't," she sighed.

"Why not?"

June folded her hands. "Because there's a picture on his nightstand of a man who looks a lot like you."

" _Looks_ like me?" he answered, his eyebrows raised.

"Right, shit..." Emilio sighed. "Didn't think of that."

June had a strong feeling there where a whole lot of things he hadn't thought of. Like the story she had told her son. She found it hard to predict how Juan would respond to that, but there was no way around it. "I told Rafi that his father died a hero." She kept Juan's glance, watching his cheeks pale. "And I said that his father's name was Mateo. The moment he sees you, he will know that you're his uncle."

"Well... still less shocking than his father, right?" Emilio shrugged. "At least he knows about his uncle Juan."

June massaged her temples. If Juan wanted to pretend to be his son's uncle to figure out what he wanted with his son, she had to accept that. She couldn't force him into anything and deep inside there was nothing she wanted more than the two to have a good relationship.

"Rafi will know that we have lied to him the other day. When we told him that Juan my ex and Juan his uncle were two different people."

Emilio shrugged his shoulders once more. "Just tell him you felt embarrassed because you slept with both brothers."

She gritted her teeth. That wasn't exactly a topic she wanted to discuss with her son, especially when it was a lie. If she was being honest she didn't want to tell her son more lies at all – he would be distraught if he discovered that his father had been alive all along, and if Juan was going to pretend to be his uncle, things were only going to get even worse. But what else could she do? What if this was the only way Juan could get used to the idea that he had a fifteen year old son? Any other approach might scare him away...

With a sigh, she turned her attention to Juan. "You want this?"

The look in his eyes told her he barely heard her; he was still processing the idea that his son thought that he was dead and that June had used his dead brother to spin her web of lies.

"I don't know," he muttered.

"Well it's simple," Emilio said. "When you're uncle Juan, you can just leave if you can't take it anymore. There's nothing suspicious about a short family visit. When you're daddy Juan, you can't leave. And c'mon June, Rafi is a smart kid. He'll understand why you've kept the truth from him."

Yes, he would understand. There was no doubt about that. But that didn't mean that the truth wouldn't hurt him and that it would change their relationship for good once he knew she had lied to him his whole life.

She had always feared her lies would come to light, but now that the time had come she wasn't ready for it at all.

"I don't know," she sighed, raking a hand through her hair. "I don't know what's best for him."

Emilio's hand glided in hers and he gave her a reassuring squeeze. "There are no easy answers for this fucked up situation. At least this will give us some time to get used to each other and to decide what we want. The lie is already there. We just maintain it a little longer."

June closed her eyes, and didn't open them before she heard Juan's voice. He sounded, insecure, fragile.

"Do you want me around at all, June? I get it if you want me to crash somewhere else. Maybe I should stay a little longer at Jordy's..."

"You won't get to know your son when you stay at Jordy's," she muttered. Sighing, she rubbed her face. She felt torn. On the one hand she wanted him close, especially because she would only worry about him if he wasn't. On the other hand she found it hard to be close to Emilio _and_ Juan, and even though they seemed to have buried the hatchet, she knew for sure more outbursts were to come if they were forced to see each other every day.

"This is such a mess," she muttered. "Fine, let's introduce you as his uncle."

After these words she stood up and went upstairs, leaving the men behind as she retreated to her bedroom and pulled the blankets tight around her. Quietly she started to sob – she had no idea how to deal with all this.

She longed for two strong arms around her, but the thought that she didn't even know _whose_ arms she wanted right now, made everything only worse.

She felt displaced, torn away from what had been her life. Although she was reaching for the remnants of it, she had no idea how to bring them back together.


	51. Ancient Butterflies

**THE PRESENT**

Sighing, Juice bent his head as June walked away, leaving a tense silence in her wake.

"Shouldn't you go after her?" he muttered. Back in the day she had always needed someone to comfort her, she wasn't good on her own, which was contrary to Emilio, who didn't like to have anyone around in moments like these.

"You or me?" Emilio sighed. "Maybe it's better if you go."

Juice looked up. He didn't know how to interpret the man's look. Was he just being lazy or did he really think that June would benefit from his presence?

"Why me?" he asked quietly. "You're her boyfriend now." He felt his heart break saying those words aloud – but it was true.

"I can think of only one way to get her into another mood and I'm positive she doesn't want that right now. Not with me, at least," he answered in a soft tone. Juice caught his glance and couldn't deny that the despair in the man's voice did something to him.

Despite whatever might have happened in the past – he really did love June now.

"It's okay bro. How many times I gotta tell ya that you got a free pass? All I want is for her to be happy again." He hesitated for a moment, his eyes showing a fragility that had never been there before. "And I want you to be happy again. It sucks to see you like this man."

Shakily, Juice breathed in. He wasn't ready for this, for the first step towards forgiveness. "You think she went to the bedroom?"

"Yeah. First door on the left."

Juice got up, crossed the living room and went upstairs. Standing in front of the door, he knocked. "June?"

She didn't answer. He could hear her quiet sobs though, causing him to open the door and enter the room. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, her back towards him. Her sadness made his chest vibrate, and his heart pounded heavily and painfully in his chest. He sat down next to her.

"You uh... do you want me to hold you?"

He bit the inside of his cheek. Suddenly he felt like a fifteen year old boy again, just as unsure as he was after he found her being groped.

"I don't know," she sniffled. "I don't know anything anymore."

Juice bent his head, he no longer dared to touch her. Silently he wished that Emilio was the one sitting here instead of him; he neither knew what to do or say.

"Sorry," he whispered eventually. "Maybe I should leave. You can forget about the past few days."

"That's impossible, Juan." Her voice sounded a little bitter now, causing a stab in his chest.

Despite his intention of earlier today for not wanting to cry around her again, a tear glided down his cheek. It was unbelievable that he had managed to destroy the life of someone he loved so much.

For quite some time he sat in silence, listening to their heavy breathing. June never had been the type of girl who wanted to distract herself in the same way he liked to when things got rough. Talking had always been more her thing – it was probably the reason why Emilio found it so hard to help her now.

"I fell in with a motorclub," he started hesitantly. "I ended up betraying them. The first time, I gave up some intel to the cops because they convinced me that my club was going to kick me out if they found out my dad was black. Then it happened again when my president forced me to do some things I didn't want to do. Really bad things," he muttered. "I couldn't handle it and I ended up overdosing, when I was found apparently I was rambling and I slipped and told someone." He twisted the skull ring around his finger. "That's why I find it so hard to make a decision about Rafi. I want to get to know him – but I'm afraid the club will find me and kill me. What's the point of him getting to know his old man if he will have to bury him not much later?" Even though he wasn't sure she wanted it, he shoved his hand towards hers until his fingers were on top of hers. "Please believe me, I want to get to know my son. And God – I never wanna leave you again June, I love you so fucking much. I rather die than live without you again. I just don't want to get either of you tied up in this, I want to spare you the pain. I've seen so many people die June. I don't want to do that to either of you."

With her free hand she wiped the tears from her cheeks. "How would they be able to find you? Did you tell them about me?"

"No," he muttered. "I know how to stay off the grid... but unless Emilio can really get me fake papers, it's only a matter of time before my name will pop up in the system. It would only take a hospital visit, or random registration for something... I can't rent my own place, can't look for a legal job... I can do shit all."

"E can get you that ID."

"Yeah, with Riley's help. Through another MC. As soon as they see the Reaper or a blacked out tattoo on my arm, they will know that I'm a rat."

Her fingers laced with his as she turned a little more towards him. "You have to stop thinking like that, Juan. Coming up with all those things that could go wrong." She took a deep breath and searched for his eyes. "I understand that things can go wrong... that they might find you. Might kill you. But because of that, especially because of that, you have to live. If I learned one thing from Mateo's death, it's that. Enjoy the time you have. Enjoy your friends. Your family. And it isn't always easy, I know that better than anyone. But you live only once and there are already so many things you regret. This time try to do something you won't regret."

He bent his head. "But how will I know that I won't regret it?"

"What is it you want more than anything, Juan? That's what you should fight for."

"I want you June." He wiped his wrists across his eyes. "I want you back. I want what Emilio has. And now what? Now I should do everything in my power to get that? While you might not even want that – and he definitely doesn't. It's not as black and white as you are making it; our choices are always affecting other people."

She was quiet for a while. "Is it really me you want? Or do you want what we had in the past? Falling in love again, planning a future? Maybe – maybe you will find someone who can give you those things."

Her words hurt him. Despite what his former friend had told him – it was clear that June wasn't about to give Emilio up. He hadn't expected it from her – but he had hoped for it. What he felt for her, he had never felt for anyone else. But apparently she had.

"Do you have any idea with how many women I've slept over the past years? I'm well into the triple digits. Sometimes, I was taking two or three home at the same time. Not a _single one_ awoke something inside me, June. Not a single one. It was always you who was on my mind, and no matter how good those girls were; after it was said and done there was always that void. That absence. There will never be another woman I want. I was so fucking stupid to walk out on you and I have to live with that now. There's nothing to fight for anymore. I'm not gonna try to steal you from Emilio like some jealous bitch." He was silent for a while, sadly shaking his head. "You have a horrible taste when it comes to men. It's fucked up that you're with someone who tried to rape you, but I'm even more insane than he is."

"You're not insane, Juan."

He let out a bitter laugh. "Yea, if you say so..."

"Yes, I say so." She laid a hand against his cheek, forcing him to look up. "I don't see a mad man when I look you in the eye. I see a broken man. Someone who has lost everything he ever loved. Someone who feels an enormous amount of love and doesn't know what to do with his feelings." Slowly, her thumb stroked his cheek. With little jolts, her breathing brushed his lips.

She took his hand and laid it against her cheek. Slowly she led him downwards, crossing her neck and shoulder until his pinky glided underneath her sweater.

His heart raced in his chest; he saw that his touch was making her shiver.

"These aren't the caresses of a mad man." Her voice sounded soft. "These are the caresses of a careful, fragile man."

Juice could barely think now he felt her warm skin underneath his fingertips. His breathing faltered as he looked into her eyes, and he seemed to drown in them, he _wanted_ to drown in them.

"I love you," he said with quivering lips, tears stinging in his eyes. "I love you so fucking much that I can't think straight anymore. I –"

"Then stop thinking, just for now." Softly, she pressed her lips against his.

Juice felt his limbs becoming heavy. With his forehead he leaned against hers, he didn't dare to kiss her back. Again he felt the caress of her lips, and deep inside him something wild flared up, something he wanted to fight since it felt wrong. His hand was still covering her collarbone, his pinky touching the strap of her bra.

"I don't know if..."

Her tongue slipped between his lips – and he was lost. His resistance crumbled, he cupped her jaw with his hand and kissed her back, tasting her like it was the first time. Butterflies swarmed through his stomach, spreading a heat that he even felt in the tips of his toes.

For a moment nothing else mattered; there was only him and her. His fingers glided underneath the strap of her bra, brushing it off her shoulder, pulling her sweater to the side so her shoulder was exposed. He turned towards her, kissing her neck, her shoulder, his lips touching every piece of skin that he had missed for such a long time.

She straddled his lap and started to kiss his neck. A moan escaped his lips as she softly sucked his skin – and when her fingers glided underneath his shirt he swore that she had the hands of an angel. His muscles tensed underneath her touch, and their lips melted together until they were both slightly panting. As she broke the kiss, he looked almost anxiously at her – he didn't want to stop, he really had a feeling that this was their last time together, and he was terrified to see regret in her eyes.

But to the contrary – she pulled his shirt over his head, followed by her own sweater. Her hands glided across his back, across the tattoos on his chest.

Juice stared at the dark red bra that she was wearing, to the way it pushed up her breasts. His eyes wandered across her perfect body before he looked her in the eye again.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered in a hoarse voice.

Laying a hand in his neck, she rested her forehead against his. "You too. You're so muscular." She glanced down, her breathing sounding heavy.

"I'm still so in love with you," he murmured. "It feels like I'm sixteen again."

She looked up, her lips still a little swollen because of their kissing. "Nobody has ever made me feel like you made me feel. Every touch from you is just..." She sighed softly when she couldn't find the right words.

The palm of Juan's hands glided up and down her sides before he unhooked her bra. While she slid the straps off her arms, he stood up, lifting her and laying her on her back on the bed. His erection was throbbing almost painfully when he kissed her from her lips to her breasts. The moment his lips closed around her nipple, making her moan his name, he felt the tension rise as if he was already about to cum. He had longed for this moment for such a long time that his head was spinning now.

He sucked gently while her fingertips glided through his hair. Her timid moans made his limbs feel so weak that he could barely move.

A little overwhelmed by all these heavy feelings he looked up. With a blush on her cheeks she answered his glance. Tinglings spread all over his body as he buried his hand in her hair, lowering himself on top of her so their heated upper bodies were pressed together. Right when his tongue stroked hers again, there was a knock on the door, which was opened a second later. Jumpy, Juan sat up straight, sitting on his knees close to June's feet.

"Still wish you'd invited me to this little party," Emilio said, sending a wink to June that made her blush again. Quietly she sat up straight.

Juan felt uncomfortable when Emilio's eyes lingered on his bare torso. He didn't know how to interpret his look – was it regret what he was seeing, regret that he had allowed them to do this? He also thought to see something darker – was it jealousy after all?

It felt like Emilio had to recompose himself too, he cleared his throat and looked a little confused all of a sudden. "Uhm... I wanted to warn you that Rafi is puttin' his bike in the shed right now. Thought that things might get a little awkward if he heard your uh, cute little noises when he's comin' upstairs knowin' that I'm on the couch."

Immediately Juan was back in reality. His son. His son was coming home. For some reason he hadn't considered the possibility at all that he would meet the boy today.

And the thought that he had just been messing around with his mom while her boyfriend was downstairs made the shame flare up inside him.


	52. Solace

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PAST**

Nervously, Juan intertwined his fingers as he sat down at the table. He swallowed, his throat felt dry and was aching. Something to drink he hadn't taken with him. As discreetly as he could he looked around, to the three detainees that were already talking to their visitors. A short, shaved man with muscular arms. A scrawny guy with owl glasses, and an old geezer who would probably never leave prison again. All much older than his brother.

Nineteen years old, and he had already spent his first week in jail. Just too old for juvie. His brother had always known how to handle himself, but could he do that in such a place too, where he had to be the youngest?

A buzzing sound startled him, where after a door opened. A guard entered the room, holding Mateo's upper arm. His hands were cuffed in front of his waist, and when Juan looked at his face he flinched.

His right eye was swollen, his lip busted; clearly new injuries contrasting the bruises his mother had left.

Feeling powerless, Juan clenched his fists, his nails cutting the flesh of his palms. This was his fault. If he hadn't taken June home, this never would have happened. Then his brother would have been home right now. He thought back to what his mother had said about prisons. Would he now be a victim of the crime his mother had accused him of? Juan didn't dare to ask, he didn't even dare to look his brother in the eye, afraid to see a lost look; proof of the most horrible thing he could think of. Instead, he stared at his cuffed hands.

"Hey."

Mateo's voice sounded hoarse. When Juan's glance glided upwards, he noticed bruises on his arms as well. His bottom lip started to tremble and briefly he wiped his eyes.

"Hey," Mateo repeated, more determined this time. "Don't cry man. That's not gonna do anyone good. Ya better tell me somethin' nice. How are you and your girl?"

Juan took a deep breath and nodded. "We're fine." His voice sounded shaky, but he had his emotions under control. "She's very sweet and understanding."

A little insecure he looked at Mateo, finding it hard to see his shiner. His brother showed him a brief smile. "Good."

In the past a snark might have followed; that those weren't the qualities he should look for in a girl, but as it seemed Mateo understood that he needed characteristics like that right now.

"She did well, that night. How she dealt with ma. How she took care of you. To be honest I always thought she was a wimpy girl, but I think she's good to you. Someone who can calm you down, who's showing strength in her own way."

Overwhelmed, Juan stared at his brother. His approval meant so much to him that he didn't even know how to respond.

"I told her. That I love her." He didn't know why he told him that. Maybe because it meant so much to the both of them, and he wanted to share it with his brother. "The night after the fight... she said such sweet things. I wanted to break up with her because the fight was causing her nightmares, but then she told me the goal of a relationship was going through things together. Good things and bad things." He blushed a bit, but there was a softened look on Mateo's face.

"And she didn't run to the hills?" he winked.

"No. She told me that she loves me too."

Now his smile did turn into a smirk. "That lil brotha of mine. That's some serious shit between the two of ya, huh? Who would have guessed, of all people it's _my_ baby brother who hooks his dream girl at 16." He leaned forward a little. "You already did somethin'?"

Juan noticed that Mateo rather talked about this subject than about his life in prison or how things went at home, and he wished there was more to say. "Not yet. I uh, I find it hard sometimes," he admitted.

"You tried somethin'? Maybe she wants too but is too shy."

"I did," he muttered. "A little. But she's kinda firm." He shrugged his shoulders. "It's okay, I can wait. But sometimes when we're kissing I find it hard not to go further."

Nervously he bit his lip – there was no doubt that Mateo would have pushed for more, but for Juan there were more than lustful feelings alone.

"What can I say kid... I woulda lacked the patience," Mateo answered with a grin. "But it seems you gotta make sacrifices for love."

Juan nodded slowly. That was true. Everything else about her was fantastic, but nobody was perfect and it wasn't that big of a deal. Still he hoped it wouldn't take months before she wanted to go to second base.

"By the way... I'd bought us some tickets to go to Luna by the end of the month. They're in the top drawer of my desk. She already knows about it. I'd wanted to surprise you but well, I'm gonna be stuck in here for a while. Why don't you take your girl with ya? If you give the airline a call, I'm sure they can change the ticket; I'll pay the additional costs."

"Wow..." Juan didn't know what to say. Somehow he felt even more guilty about the whole situation; his brother was always arranging so many cool things for him and he never did anything in return. All he did, was causing him misery.

"It's for four days. Go have some fun kid. Both of ya. All this shit ain't easy for her either. You're still living with her family?"

He shook his head. "Ma was released from the hospital yesterday. She's still tired and slept most of the day."

"It's a shame she's still wakin' up every time," Mateo huffed.

A little uncomfortable, Juan rubbed his hands. Would Mateo really want their mother dead? He understood his frustration and anger... but losing your mother, that was a big thing. They'd already lost their father...

"So uh, how are are things around here?" he asked softly. He no longer wanted to talk about his mother. This was a hard subject as well, but he couldn't pretend that he hadn't noticed all his brother's injuries.

He shrugged his shoulders, squeezing his eyes for a second at the movement as if he was in pain. Would his ribs be bruised too?

"It's only for six weeks. I'll survive."

Juan wiped his eyes and breathed in shakily.

Mateo reached over the table and with his cuffed hands, he took Juan's. "Don't worry about me kid. I'll be fine. I gotta earn my spot here, which leads to some beat-ups but really, it coulda been much worse. My cell mate is more afraid of me than the other way around, so I can sleep soundly at night."

He gave Juan a wink, which made him look away awkwardly. It felt like Mateo had picked up on his fear.

"I just hope these weeks will be over soon," he muttered. "It's hard to enjoy the holidays when you're here." Again, his eyes wandered across all the bruises.

"You better try, kid. Ya need to have some fun. And well, this is just another thing I can cross off my list." He smirked. "People will think twice before jamming up with a guy who's been in prison."

Juan dared to bet that most people who knew Mateo would think twice before getting into a fight with him anyway, but he kept those words to himself. If this was his way to get himself through this, Juan was at peace with it.

"Shall I come back next week?" Juan asked when a guard alerted him that visiting hour was almost over.

Mateo seemed to hesitate. "You don't hate to see me like this?" He lifted his cuffed wrists.

"I do, but it's better than not seein' you at all," he muttered. For it was true – he missed his brother and was worried about him. And after seeing his battered face, those worries only increased.

"Okay fine. I have a right to be visited one hour a week. Why don't you take Emilio with you? Will give 'm another tall tale to tell."

Juan bent his head. He didn't want his friend to talk about this with anyone. He rather told himself that nobody would ever find out that his brother had been in jail.

"Hey, people talk shit anyway Juan." As always, Mateo easily felt his struggle. "They can do whatever the fuck they want. I'm not ashamed of what I did – I would do it again if I had to. You shouldn't feel ashamed either." He softly kicked his foot. "We're above them, remember? Easy for them to judge with their perfect lil families. If they'd been in our situation, they'd wished they got the balls to do somethin' about it."

Juan swallowed a sigh. He didn't know if he agreed, but he knew he had to end the conversation.

"I gotta go," he said softly. "Gonna ask Emilio to come with me next time."

At least his friend would keep things light, he was sure of it. Maybe that was the reason Mateo wanted him around.

"Awesome. Keep your head up kid. I love you."

"Love you too," Juan answered timidly – he wasn't sure he had ever told him, he'd probably said it to no one but June. But right now... right now he just wanted his brother to know.

A lot could happen within a week...

* * *

After the prison visit, there was a tight feeling in his chest. Again and again he thought about the bruises on Mateo's face and arms, and he unwillingly imagined a group of tattooed giants beating his brother's face to pulp. His breathing seemed to be stuck in his throat, every breath he took seemed to cause him more trouble and the tears were clearly lying in wait.

He didn't exactly know why he put the key into the door of June's house half an hour later. She hung out with friends today and the twins had gone to the swimming pool.

It was Hannah who he wanted to see, even though that need made him nervous and insecure. June's mother had enough on her plate without him burdening her with his shit, but maybe he could keep his feelings to himself and was her serenity enough to calm him down.

As he entered the living room, he discovered there was no domestic help. Most days June made sure there was someone around to help her mother, although Hannah insisted that there were still a lot of things she could do herself; it just took a lot of effort.

Juan saw that she was sleeping. He didn't know what to do now. Should he wake her up? Leave? Wait? He was still considering his options when a soft voice dragged him out of his thoughts.

"Hello Juan. I already thought I heard the door."

"Hey... I uh, I thought that you were sleepin'."

"I was just dozing off."

He walked towards the bed and a little shy, he kissed her cheek. He didn't know when that habit had started, it just always seemed the most natural thing to do.

"I uhm... the weather is nice so uh... I thought maybe you wanted to go out for walk," he stammered, rubbing his neck. "With the wheelchair, I mean." Nervously, he balanced on the balls of his feet, not knowing why he felt so jittery. She had never been unfriendly, but still he was afraid that she didn't want him around now June wasn't home.

"How thoughtful of you. That would be lovely."

Relieved, Juan took a deep breath, feeling much lighter instantly. He walked to the wheelchair that was on the other side of the room and rolled it to the bed, helping the woman in it.

The warm glance she showed him was one of the many beautiful things she had passed on to her daughter, and he felt how he was already calming down a little.

Juan took her to the park. It was hard to keep a conversation going with all the traffic coming by, but when they were surrounded by grass and trees, Hannah gestured to a bench.

"Let's take a seat over there."

Juan put the wheelchair next to the bench and offered her his arm to support her. Slowly, she shuffled around him and sat down on the bench. With a smile she watched a group of boys who were playing soccer on the other side of the pond.

"Today you visited your brother, right?" she asked after a while. "June told me you wanted to go alone."

"Yeah," he muttered. Mateo and June had talked so little, he didn't want them to get to know each other in prison.

"How was he?"

Juan bent his head and stared at the gravel path his feet were resting on. Should he be honest? For some reason lying to a terminally ill woman felt as a deadly sin.

"He was beaten up," he muttered. The moment the words left his mouth, the tears showed up. Fiercely, he wiped them away.

Hannah placed a hand between his shoulders, moving it up and down. "Let it out, Juan. Sometimes that's the best thing to do. There's nothing wrong with that."

He took a deep breath as he kept wiping his eyes almost compulsively. "It's just... there are so many of – of these stories," he mumbled. "Of people being stabbed in prison or – or raped. I'm just so scared something like that will happen to him. He has to be one of the youngest in there..."

Hanna turned a little, pulling him close. His head was leaning against her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him, only causing Juan to cry harder.

So this was how it was supposed to feel. The love of a mother.

The only thing his own mother did was telling his girlfriend that she was better off without him and that he was doing it with his brother.

"June told me Mateo stabbed the boy who assaulted her on prom night. I'm sure he can handle himself. He doesn't sound like the type letting himself being humiliated by others, I rather think he provoked a fight to command respect." She pulled back a little so she could look him in the eye. "I'm sure the one he fought with looks much worse." She winked.

Again Juan wiped his eyes. Her words gave him hope he never thought he would find. "I feel so bad that you won't grow old," he blurted out, even before the thought had finished in his head. "Sometimes I wish that my own mother... and that you..."

"Ssh, don't say things like that, Juan. The relationship with your mother needs time to restore. You're a sweet, caring boy. I can't think of a better man for my daughter and I'm sure your mother will see that too."

Juan bit his lip. "She wouldn't have comforted me," he whispered. "She only would have yelled that I'm acting like a baby and that Mateo deserves to be... to be raped."

With sad eyes, she looked at him, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. "I'm sorry to hear that, Juan. Maybe I can talk to her one day?"

"No, you don't have to do that," he muttered. "I'm sure she's gonna be very friendly until the moment you leave."

"Well I'm not that easy to manipulate," she winked. "Just give it a thought. Adults might look differently at the situation. But know that you're always welcome to our home, Juan. I won't live long enough to officially call you my son-in-law, but in my eyes you already are. It's been a long time since I've seen my daughter so happy."

Juan blushed and didn't know what to say. He was deeply moved by her words. "She makes me happy too," he said quietly. "I don't know how I'd survived the past week without her. She's been of a great help. And – and you too. Even the twins."

She showed him one more warm smile.

For a while they were silent, then he remembered the tickets Mateo had spoken of. "My brother bought two flight tickets so we could visit my sister by the end of the month. She lives in Kansas. But he can't go now and thought eh, he thought that June might want to go in his place." He intertwined his fingers. "But I'm afraid she doesn't want to leave you alone. It will be a four days trip."

"There are already too many things June is missing because of me; that isn't how things are supposed to be. It will do her good, getting out for a few days. I make sure someone is around to help me, don't worry about it."

A smile crossed Juan's face. He was really looking forward to it; just leaving this place for a while. Being together. Well – and with his sister and her boyfriend. But it was still a break from all this.

"I think you should surprise her the day before," Hannah mused. "If not, she'll be worried for weeks. I'll ask my parents to come over that week, so she will leave me in good hands."

"Thanks," he said softly. "Also because uh, because you wanted to listen to me."

"I'm happy that you confide in me, Juan. I understand that has been a big step, since the difficult relationship with your own mother."

"Well... actually it just sort of happened," he murmured. "Before I knew it I was at the door while I knew June wasn't home."

She smiled – even though this smile looked a little weary.

Quickly he stood up. "You're tired. I will bring you back."

She grabbed his arm as she got on her feet and he helped her into the wheelchair. "Thank you, my dear. I wish I had more energy, but even on a beautiful day like this I have to face my limits. It's indeed better if you walk me home."

A bit ashamed because he had robbed her of the little energy she had, he turned the wheelchair and started to walk back. Still his body felt less heavy than when he had left prison and in silence he tried to convince himself that this hadn't been only a precious moment for him, but also for her.

Deep down he knew it was true – but still he found it hard to accept that she indeed wanted to waste the little energy she had on someone like him.


	53. Moral Support

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PAST**

The three of them were lying on Jordy's king size bed, surrounded by an abundance of pillows. The window was open, inviting a cool breeze inside the room.

The open window didn't influence the volume to which they were singing along with _Summer Nights._ Even when Jordy hadn't lived in a detached house, the girls probably wouldn't have cared.

Watching Grease together had became a habit. Jordy loved to watch so she could swoon over John Travolta, Shawna because she enjoyed the songs so much and June... June had always silently imagined that she was Sandy and that Juan was Danny, hoping that they would become a couple together too one day, despite their different groups of friends.

It was weird to watch the movie again now, knowing that those fantasies had come true. He was her boyfriend now, for two weeks.

That June wasn't the only one translating the movie to her own life, became clear when Jordy suddenly sat up straight and clutched a big pillow to her stomach.

"Tomorrow I'm just gonna do it."

For a moment June waited for an explanation, but when Jordy didn't elaborate she asked: "What are you going to do tomorrow?"

"Having that date. With Emilio. I'll just go to his house and pick him up. He isn't answering my texts anyway."

June didn't know what to answer. She still wanted to talk the idea out of Jordy's head, but for some incomprehensible reason she really liked the guy. "You already know what you're going to do?"

"My plan for action is ready for two weeks now," she answered with a smirk. "I'm sure we're gonna have fun, as long as I can convince him to come with me."

"Can't you uh... you can't you think of someone... nicer to do those things with?" Shawna muttered. She stared at the blankets.

June bit her lip. It wasn't easy for Shawna either. Although he had addressed plenty of nasty remarks to June, Shawna was his laughing stock for much longer. He always made comments about her seize, took her food away and he had even snatched a bill out of her hand once, when she was about to buy lunch.

Jordy studied her face. "Well... I'm sure every other guy is nicer." Sighing, she dropped down on the bed, rubbing her face. "I just can't get him out of my head. It's driving me crazy! Maybe it will help when he slams the door into my face."

June doubted that. She already knew that he was a dick. There was no need for a door in her face to discover that.

"You know... It's not like he's just hot, or that I just want to know what it's like to have sex with him. When I was sitting on his lap the other day... my heart was racing like crazy. And I know I've had a thing for half of the school... but there aren't a lot of guys who had that effect on me."

June cringed. Great. She didn't think Emilio was just hot; it sounded like she had seriously fallen for him.

"What? You've been sitting on his lap?" With wide eyes, Shawna turned to her friend.

"June was meeting Juan's friends in El Torro and she had asked me to join her. To keep Emilio busy, I think," she answered with a slight smirk.

It wasn't even untrue, June realized. That day she had indeed hoped that Emilio would aim his attention to Jordy instead of her, since she could deal much better with him.

"I was late and there were no empty seats. June was on Juan's lap, and Emilio was sitting next to him so I thought that was a good excuse to flop down on his lap. He didn't exactly like it, but still... I just can't stop thinking about how it felt to be so close to him." With a sigh, she raised herself on her elbows. "I know that it's hopeless. But I just can't stop hoping that he might like me one day. Even though I know it's stupid and that I will never stand a chance."

"You never know," June tried to cheer her up when she saw her friend's sad face. Jordy was always so full of laughter, she found it hard to see her friend a little sad. "Riley told us there was something going on between the two of you, she really thinks you'll become a couple one day. She told me you are the only girl who made him blush."

"You're serious?" Jordy asked, her eyes so wide they almost popped out of their sockets.

June nodded. She might not like Emilio, but she knew better than anyone how it felt when a friend was constantly burning down your crush. She didn't want to be like Beth.

"Juan and Riley even took a bet that he's going to fall for you. Although she said that it will take ages before Emilio would admit to anyone – or to himself – that he likes you. Since you don't have... well, you know... blonde hair, blue eyes and large breasts."

"Who knows, maybe he's craving for something different after all those blonde bimbettes." She shrugged her shoulders, on her face appeared an optimistic grin. "Let's see if I can convince him to come with me first." She glanced at the alarm clock. "It's almost six. Shall we start cooking, June?" She looked at Shawna. "You wanted to eat at home, right?"

She nodded. "I have to baby-sit tonight. I think it's time to go home."

By now they had all lost their attention for the movie and Jordy turned off the VCR. The girls went downstairs and said goodbye to Shawna.

"What do you want to eat? You already got something?"

"Yeah I wanted to make pancakes."

"You want me to make you pancakes, you mean," June answered with a smirk.

"Yeah, mine are always messy." From behind, she wrapped her arms around June's waist, leaning with chin on her shoulder. "I'm nervous. Stupid huh? You wanna do something tomorrow in case he really sends me away?"

June dropped her head to the left, until it was leaning against Jordy's. "Of course, you know that."

"My heroine." Her arms tightened around June. "You wanna stay at my place tonight? For moral support?"

June hesitated. "I can do that... but I want to go to Juan after dinner. He went to see Mateo this afternoon and it's hard to imagine how he's feeling now. He didn't call me so I guess it's not too bad, but still... He knew that I would hang out with you so it won't surprise me if he didn't want to disturb me."

Jordy sighed softly and let go of her. "I feel so sorry for him." She opened a drawer and took out the mixing bowl. "He's such a sweetheart."

June felt her cheeks glow. Quickly she took an apple from the basket of fruit and started to peel it.

"I had never expected him to be so... sensitive."

"He's good in hiding it," June admitted. "You hope Emilio will reveal such a side too?"

Jordy laughed quietly. "You think he has one?"

"I can't imagine," she answered honestly. "But that night after the fight... I really saw how much he cares about Juan. So it isn't like he's insensitive or something."

"Part of me is just hoping that he's the type of guy who's always acting like a jerk because he's feeling insecure, having erected countless walls around himself. The therapist inside me just wants to break them all down or something."

That was typical Jordy. She liked to surround herself by complicated people who she wanted to understand. The only reason their group of friends existed, was because Jordy had found them interesting and had been determined to break down their walls.

"Well maybe he is," she mused. "You have a nose for it. Sensing when people are hiding things and are wearing masks." She shoved the pieces of apple in a bowl and watched how Jordy started to mix the batter.

"Hmm, yeah, maybe. Or maybe I just want him to have those walls. To justify to myself that I have feelings for such a douche."

June showed a brief smile. "I'm sure he has nice sides too. I don't believe Juan can be friends with someone who is always an asshole. But Juan said he is a dumb ass when it comes down to girls. I wouldn't be surprised if he is only treating us like shit to look tougher." She looked at her friend. "But if there's anyone who can see through him, it's you. Although I'm afraid it will take a lot of time and I doubt he will give you that. I think you need to be very patient."

Jordy chuckled softly. "Oh, I can be patient. I just keep trying until I get a restraining order."

June showed her weak smile, but deep down she was afraid that Emilio would just hurt her over and over again, and she wanted to protect her friend against that pain.

She however had no idea how.

* * *

After dinner June went to Juan's house. She was less nervous than last time; probably because Mateo wasn't around and his mother was probably in bed.

She rang the bell.

It took a long time before the door was opened. When Camila looked at her, June laced her fingers awkwardly.

"Hi," June said – her voice just a whisper. She cleared her throat. "Umm, is Juan home?"

"Juan is too selfish to care for his sick mother," she huffed. "He rather starves me."

"Haven't you eaten yet?"

The woman shook her head, without letting go of June's glance. Actually she didn't look very miserable, June thought, so she was surprised the woman hadn't cooked her own meal. But maybe running errands was too heavy for her.

"So uhm, where is Juan?" she asked, a little surprised.

She shook her shoulders. "Who will know girl. I'm sure he has another fling somewhere. Is he already lying to you? I warned you. You saw what his brother did to me. Don't think my youngest is any different. They both belong behind bars."

June tensed. Anger flared up, but if she would hit the roof now, the woman would just slam the door in front of her nose.

"You want me to make you some dinner?" she asked instead. "Juan probably went to Emilio. Maybe he found it hard to see his brother in jail."

She let out a mocking laugh. "I'm sure he did. He must have realized it's his future. You should dump him, girl. You're too sweet for a little brat like him."

June clenched her fist. "Why do you talk about him like that? I don't understand, I see no similarities between my boyfriend and the boy you describe. If anything, he's very sweet and caring."

"So caring that he lets down his own mother," she snorted.

"Maybe because you give him the feeling you don't love him. He is constantly looking for your approval."

"The only approval he's looking for, is his brother's. How do you think that feels? If he cares more about such a pig than about his own mother? You were there, June. You saw what Mateo did to me and he's still praising his brother."

"I also heard what you said. You must have known how Mateo would respond. Even I wasn't surprised, and I have met Mateo just a few times." She contemplated her next words. "Why are you so sure Mateo is abusing his brother? Have you ever caught him?"

"Call it a mother's intuition."

June held her glance. "I honestly doubt you know your sons very well. So it –"

"Oh and you do? You're just a cheap little whore. You really think they're gonna show you their rotten souls? You're the definition of naive, girl. But you'll find out about the truth one day."

June breathed in deeply.

She should walk away. She should give her the finger and turn her back to her. But she wanted to prove her that she was wrong, she wanted to show her that she wasn't naive and that she truly loved Juan, and that he truly loved her.

"You want me to make you dinner or not? There's a Chinese take-away at the end of the street. You want me to get you something?" She glanced at her watch. "You must be too hungry to wait until I've cooked a meal."

A little puzzled, the woman stared at her. June bit back a small smile. It wasn't June who was the naive one.

Camila pursed her lips and gave her an almost imperceptible nod.

"Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes."

June turned away from the woman, crossed the street and walked towards the take-away where she ordered some noodles and a spring roll. As she waited until the food was finished, she send Juan a text to tell him she was at his home.

The woman muttered a thank you when June put the food on the table a little later. Juan hadn't answered her text and she didn't know if she should stay or leave. Maybe he would stay at Emilio's until midnight. She sat down at the table, across from Camila. "How do you feel?"

A little awkwardly Camila stirred her food. "You don't have to stay for me, June. You made your point."

"I don't mind. You might think that I'm just a cheap whore, but I love your son and I'm serious about our relationship, even though I might be young. And I find it important to get to know my boyfriend's family."

Camila sighed. "I don't think you're a cheap whore, June. I see how different you are from all those bitches that sneak out of Mateo's room when he's done with them. But I do think your feelings make you blind and that you can do much better."

"You've told me your opinion enough times now. Until it is based on something different than your motherly intuition, I wish you keep it to yourself. You hurt him be saying things like that and you hurt me too. You haven't seen how broken he was the past days, how miserable he felt because of his situation at home. You might call it an act, but I know it isn't. And if you weren't pushing him away the whole time, you would know how sensitive he is and how he is craving for your acceptation."

Camila looked at her in silence. It was the front door that saved her; a few seconds later Juan entered the living room. His eyes shot from his mother to June and showed his worries. She stood up and gave him a tight hug. The way he held her, showed her what a tough day it had been for him.

"Where were you?" Camila snapped.

June swallowed a sigh. Everything she had just said – it just didn't land. Juan's arms slipped away from her and he aimed his glance at his mother

"I uhm, I thought your boyfriend would stop by or pick you up. Actually uh, actually I was with June's family."

Surprised, June looked at him. Warmth filled her body; she was really happy that he had dared to take that step without her.

"Why?" his mother snapped. "You try to impress your in-laws? To make up for the fact you can't offer their daughter anything? You've always been intrusive when..."

"Stop," June said in a stern voice. "Juan gives me everything I need and my family knows that. He know he's welcome at our house. If anyone is intrusive, it's me because I didn't want you to feel hungry. You can also thank me for getting you food, instead of bringing down your son again. I think we've talked enough for tonight." June took his hand and dragged him towards his bedroom.

Her heart broke again as she saw his face. All he wanted, was a normal relationship with his mother.

"Hey sweetheart, come here." She pulled him in her arms. His breathing sounded heavy as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. She breathed in his scent, closed her eyes and felt how their bodies fitted in a perfect way.

"She – she said stupid things to you again?" he asked quietly.

She took a little more distance and sat down on the bed, with her back against the wall. She created some space between her legs so he could sit there and wrapped her arms around him. As he snuggled up to her, the back of his head resting on her breasts, he gave her a skittish look.

With a kiss on his head she told him that she didn't mind, and she noticed how his breathing slowed down.

"I bought her some food," she told him. "She thought that you would make her dinner. But if I'm honest, I think she was perfectly able to walk a little and that she just wanted you to feel guilty." With her thumb, she softly stroked his auricle.

"You – you didn't need to do that," he muttered. "Actually – actually I don't want you to be alone with her."

She dipped her head, kissing his hair. "I have nothing to fear from her."

Camila was a woman who fought with words. And even thought they hurt, she was somehow able to let them slide off. She knew the woman was telling lies, or half truths at most.

"Sorry I went to your house," he said softly. He laid his hand atop of hers, stroking her knuckles with his thumb.

"Why do you apologize?"

Quietly, he shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe you don't like it," he muttered. "That I'm demanding your mother's time. She already has so little energy and now she's wasting it on me."

His words made her cringe. He had such a low self-esteem... It was scary how well he hid it from the rest of the world, and she admired him for being able to be honest about his feelings to her, but it was still... hard.

"My mom doesn't mind to spend time with you," she said. "In the short time she has, she wants to spend as much time with the ones she loves as she can. And you belong to that group too, Juan. She wants a relationship with you... she wants to be a mother for you."

He was silent for a while. She pressed small kisses to his auricle while his head was rising and falling because of her breathing. His finger tips stroked her hand, his touch so light it caused goosebumps on her arms, and a strange feeling settled in her stomach.

"How was Mateo?"

Sighing, Juan sat up a little straighter, turning towards her. "He was beaten. I found it hard to see him... I'm so afraid that they will do worse things to him. But your mom – your mom thought that he had provoked the others to command their respect. So – so it doesn't have to be that bad. She – she thinks he knows how to handle himself."

"I think she's right," June said, even though she shared his concerns. Mateo might have a big mouth and have a certain reputation on the streets, but when it came down to it he had graduated high school just a year ago. And who could tell what kind of people were in there. Murderers. Rapists. Child molesters. But there was no reason to tell Juan that.

"Your mom was really sweet," he said with blushing cheeks. "She even offered to talk to my ma. But I don't think that will help."

June thought about the things she had just told the woman, which she had forgotten only a few minutes later. "Well, it's worth trying, right?" June thought. "Maybe it will help. To hear from an adult how amazing you are."

There was a weak smile around his lips. He cupped her jaw with his hand, leaned with his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

June laid her hand across his and closed her eyes as well. Listening to their breathing, she was aware of all the ways their bodies were touching. It felt like a magical moment, she felt the love between them and a paralyzing feeling travelled through her chest and spread across her arms, until she could feel it in her finger tips.

Softly, his lips brushed hers. They were trembling, she had no doubt that he also felt that deep connection.

"I love you," he whispered. "I love you with all of my heart."

June felt an enchanting warmth swirl through her body. She laid her other hand against his cheek. With her eyes still closed she searched for his lips, touching them in the same way he had done. "I love you just as much," she whispered back.

She looked up to him, and their eyes met. His were troubled, mirroring all the emotions that were raging through his body.

Again they kissed, a sweet kiss. When she felt his tongue, the heat in her body flared up; their kiss becoming more ardently. She turned a little more towards him. His fingers entwined with her hair, descending to her neck and shoulder as their kiss continued. Very slowly they went further down, his finger tips stroking her breast. Although her clothing was in between, she was completely focused on his touch. For a moment she imagined how his hand would feel on her skin, underneath her shirt. This however wasn't the right moment – and she already enjoyed this so much that she sighed softly.

As he heard her sigh, his fingers spread across her breast and he squeezed gently. Her breathing faltered.

Juan broke away from the kiss to look at her, as if he wanted to make sure he wasn't going too far. She showed him a shy smile.

He hugged her and laid her down on her back, kissing her neck. Again his hand moved to her breast and tenderly kneaded it.

June closed her eyes, enjoying the pressure of his lips against her neck and the massaging movements of his fingers. In the end his hand glided to her hip and he laid his head on her shoulder.

"Will you stay with me?" he asked. "I missed you last night."

"Only last night?" she pouted.

With his thumb he pressed against her bottom lip. "Yeah." Chuckling, he kissed her nose. "Otherwise it sounds clingy."

"So?" She gave him a lazy kiss. "But uh, actually Jordy already asked me to stay over. But if you don't want to be alone right now I can call it off? She will understand. She just needs some moral support because she wants to ask Emilio out tomorrow."

"Jordy who needs moral support for something?" he asked with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, she's actually really nervous. She's afraid he will slam the door in front of her face. And uh, well... I can see that happen."

"Me too," Juan admitted. "So she plans to go to his house and pick him up?"

"Yeah, apparently he's ignoring her texts."

Juan chuckled softly. "I'm sure he doesn't see that coming. I don't think he's gonna admit it, but yeah, maybe he likes such a bold move."

"I might sound like a bad friend now, but I secretly hope he will slam the door shut. I'm just so afraid he will really hurt her if he gives her hope. I know that he's your best friend and I really have no doubt that he is an amazing friend... but you know what a jerk he can be when he doesn't like someone."

"Yeah..." he muttered. "But honestly? I neither liked Jordy until I got to know her. You have to learn to look past that... super spontaneous and... extravagant appearance. And with E... well you have to learn to look past his rude remarks. I have no idea what will happen if those two spend a day together. Maybe Emilio will truly hate her... or maybe he will reluctantly admit that she isn't as bad as he thought. I'm curious, actually."

June nodded slowly. "Yeah... me too. I told her I would be there for her tomorrow if he does turn her down."

Juan lifted the corner of his mouth. "And even if he turns her down, it doesn't have to mean anything. I mean... you turned me down _four times._ "

"I was just stupid," she muttered.

"No..." He stroked her cheek. "You were careful. Shy. Maybe Emilio is too. I don't think he ever spend the day with a girl – except for Riley."

June laughed softly. "He never had a girlfriend?"

He shook his head. "No. As far as I know, he's not even been in love. And he neither had a date before. So hmm... maybe he will go with her." He pressed a kiss on her forehead. "But if she's really nervous, you should be with her tonight. Maybe I'll go to Emilio to watch a movie. Then I can push him a little, tomorrow morning."

June gave him a surprised look. "Would you do that for her?"

"Staying with my best friend instead of in this cheerful home? Well, it _is_ a big sacrifice I have to make." He stuck out his tong. "But I owe her this date." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "And if Jordy won't need you, you will be all mine tomorrow." His hand glided across her stomach and tickled her side.

Laughing, she pushed away his hand. "And then?"

"You'll see." He bent over her, his lips floating above hers. Lights were sparkling in his eyes and she wrapped her arms around his neck. "But I will claim the evening too." He kissed the corner of her mouth, followed by the other. "And the night as well. And the next morning. And..."

June could no longer resist the caress of his lips and kissed him. Inside, she glowed. Not only because of his touches and the prospect to spend the next day together; mainly because his eyes were shining again and he was no longer thinking about his mother and brother.


	54. Debts

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PAST**

It felt like the old times – Juan staying over for the night. Watching movies until 4 AM, smoking cigarettes on the windowsill every hour, never loss for words... there weren't a lot of people he could hang out with all day long. Juan was his homie, he was like a brother and he had been afraid that his new relationship with June would change that. Since the two had become a thing he had barely seen his friend and he had been surprised when Juan had showed up at his door earlier tonight, with a sixpack of beer in his hand.

As Emilio took a deep drag of the cigarette and blew out the smoke, he looked at Juan. They were both sitting with their backs against the window frame, one leg hanging down the window. Emilio had put a pillow between his back and the hinge so he sat a little more comfortable. It was past midnight, so his mother wouldn't see them sitting like this. Last year he had fallen out of the window when being stoned, and ever since, his mom freaked out as soon as he opened the window. But he just loved sitting here.

His friend looked more relaxed than when he had arrived a few hours ago. He had told him that his mother had been a total bitch again and that he wasn't in the mood to sleep at home. Emilio had been happy that Juan had chosen him over his lover. Maybe it was because she still didn't want to fuck; then there was no point in spending the night with her anyway.

"So... she still doesn't want to do anything?" he asked.

Juan raised his eyebrows and started to laugh. "Damn... it's the third time in a couple of hours you bring it up. Is your life so boring that my sex life is the most exciting thing there is?"

He snorted. "Well that ain't exciting at all, as it seems."

Had he really brought it up so many times? Well – it wasn't like his own sex life was very interesting at the moment. The last time he had slept with a girl, had been before the holidays. And Mateo couldn't take him to the parties where he used to meet those hot chicks, so he didn't expect a change in the near future. Where else could he find them? The only girls he knew went to the same school as he and he didn't want to fuck someone who he had to face daily afterwards. He remembered all too well how much trouble that had caused Mateo.

"Hmm, you comin' to the beach with me tomorrow?" Maybe he could hit on a chick there; or he could at least watch the topless girls.

"I'm already meetin' up with June." Juan tapped the ash of his cigarette.

Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "Take her with ya. At least you'd see her in bikini." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Assuming she has one." He started to laugh. "I wouldn't be surprised if she would wear a wetsuit or somethin'."

Juan glared at him.

"What?" he asked innocently. "C'mon, she's even more prudish than a nun. I mean – how long are you together? Two weeks? And you can still do shit?"

Juan looked away and stared to the darkened city. His friend might pretend he didn't care, but Emilio sensed that it frustrated him.

"Well at least she was okay with my hand on her breast when were makin' out today. Guess that's progress."

"Underneath her clothes?"

"No."

He rolled his eyes. "Even I can walk by and squeeze her tit; then I'm on the same base as you."

"You didn't kiss her."

Emilio kicked his heel against the outer wall. "I just don't get it. Why doesn't she want you? If I ever fall in love, I assume one has to cuff my hands to keep them off her."

Juan sighed and leaned with his head against the window frame. "I dunno. Maybe it's just a girl thing. Waitin' until you're ready or somethin'. Whenever that's gonna be."

"Maybe you should tell her you love her," Emilio smirked. "Maybe that's what she's waitin' for."

"I already told her that," Juan muttered.

Emilio chuckled as his cheeks turned red. Man, he hoped he would never turn into such a lovesick idiot as his friend. He barely recognized him.

"And even that wasn't enough to make her want to rip off your clothes? Fuck, you choose some difficult chick man. Maybe you should just try somethin'. Maybe she's just too shy."

"It's not just that. She thinks it's too soon. I already tried something and it pissed her off."

Emilio lit a new cigarette and shared it with his friend. "What did you do?" It looked like he was finally going to hear something dirty.

"I slept in her bed for the first time. She was caressing my chest and stomach and then I pushed her hand further down and laid 'm around my dick. Told her I liked it and that she could put her hand in my boxers if she wanted, but she didn't. And when I pushed a little more she got pissed, so no, that won't be helpin'. I just have to be patient. I can't force her into anything, I don't even want her to force her into anything. It isn't the end of the world but yeah, it's frustratin' sometimes."

Emilio let out a puff of smoke. "That sucks man. For real."

If he was honest he never understood chicks and especially not June, but he kept it to himself.

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "There's no point in bringin' it up over and over again. If we go second base I tell ya."

Emilio nodded slowly – although that remained to be seen. Up to now he hadn't been very chatty about June and he had no idea what the hell he had done, all those days he had spent at June's house. It was a miracle that he hadn't been bored to death...

"You wanna see another movie?" Emilio asked as he put out the cigarette in the ashtray and climbed back into his room.

"Nah, I'm gonna sleep. Was a long day."

Emilio closed the window after Juan had left the windowsill. Juan had told him how hard it had been to see his brother and he had asked if Emilio wanted to join him the next time. He had agreed immediately; he missed to hang out with Mateo, he also felt like an older brother to him.

Emilio walked to the bathroom to brush his teeth, then he stripped off his clothes to his boxers and got underneath the blankets. Juan took off his pants as well, followed by his shirt, and as usually Emilio's eyes wandered across Juan's torso as he compared his friend's muscles to his own.

Nah, they were still even, he thought. There was no reason to be jealous of his friend's body, although it still left him with a tightening feeling in his chest. He shook it off and reached for the night lamp when Juan had made himself comfortable at the mattress on the ground.

"Night," he said.

"Night."

* * *

"Emilio!" Someone was pounding on his door, and a second later it swung open.

Emilio squinted his eyes to avoid the bright sunlight. From the corner of his eye he saw it was 11 AM, and grunting he sat up straight. "Fuckin' hell Noa, it's fuckin' 11 o'clock. Fuck off."

"There's someone at the door. For you. A girl." She covered her mouth with her hand and giggled.

"What?" he asked overwhelmed.

"There's a girl and she's asking for you."

"Okay... tell her I'll be there in a minute."

Juan raised himself, his elbows leaning on the mattress as he looked up to him. "Well well...?"

"I have no idea who it can be," he muttered. "You have a missed call from June?"

He reached for his phone and shook his head. "Nope. And she would've asked for me."

Good point. Well, he was kinda curious so he picked up his clothes from the day before – the ones that were closest to him.

"Just go downstairs like that man," Juan said, pointing at his boxers. "Maybe it's a hot chick, then you can take her right to bed. I'll make sure I'm gone." He chuckled. "Could be a present from Mat."

Emilio smirked, checked if there were no embarrassing holes in his blue boxers and went downstairs. You never knew with Mateo, not even when he was in jail; maybe he had indeed send a hot chick.

He puffed out his chest and swung open the door.

He was greeted by a teasing whistle. "Well, hello to you..." she chuckled.

Suddenly Emilio felt very naked, wearing nothing but his boxers. Her eyes wandered across his body, she was clearly appreciating the sight, and even though it wouldn't have bothered him if it had been someone else and he might even have whispered to the girl that she could touch him too, he felt nothing but aversion right now. That she would touch him with her filthy hands, was the last thing he wanted.

"The fuck are you doin' here," he snapped.

"I'm already planning June's bachelor party and I think I just found our stripper." Her lips curled into a smirk. "Although I had expected a little more of your... business down there."

Unintentionally he looked down. He felt the heat creep to his cheeks and grind his teeth because she was so annoying. "Every man's dick would shrink if they'd see a face like that in the morning," he huffed.

"Nah, I can assure you you're wrong about that, cutie." She winked.

He glared at her, his jaw clenched.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm here to take you on a date, sunshine."

"I already told you I'm not going anywhere with you. Unless we go to the zoo and I can dump you in a cage. Where you fucking belong, freak."

"Always so charming. C'mon man, I've planned some cool things."

"Me too, a hot chick in my bed. She's waitin' for me upstairs. So, bye."

"I know that Juan is upstairs," she said before he could close the door. "So unless you discovered your gay side tonight, I'm pretty sure you had a boring night."

"Fuck you," he grumbled, slamming the door. With gritted teeth he stomped up the steps, slamming the door to his bedroom open.

"You cock sucking son of a bitch!" he snapped.

His friend started to laugh, making him only feel more frustrated.

"Stop whinin' man," Juan chuckled, wiping the tears of laughter from his cheeks. "Just go with her. She's cool."

"No." Agitated, he put on a jeans and shirt, annoyed because he had been so stupid to listen to Juan and go downstairs in only his boxers. "Why don't you go with her if she's so great, huh? That face alone of hers is making me wanna puke."

"Stop bein' such a drama queen man."

"What? Everyone will make fun of me if they see me with her. The whole school is gonna think I fucked her and then all these crazy bitches are comin' after me."

Again he heard the door bell. Footsteps, heavier than those of his sister, went down the stairs. "Fucking hell, now ma's jumpin' into this too. Thanks bro." He gave him the finger as he heard Jordy's shrill voice in the hallway. "Ma's gonna be fucking annoying."

Juan just chuckled and started to dress himself. "C'mon, if you go with her I've paid my debt and I'll owe you a hot chick. I'll make sure Lorraine is gonna make you forget about the nightmares of today." He moved his eyes eyebrows up and down. "Maybe I haven't fucked her, but she did suck my dick and believe me, it's worth a few hours of toleratin' Jordy."

Conspicuously he raised his eyebrows. "Did she really blow you or are you fuckin' me again?" He held Juan's glance for a while; he could read the answer in his eyes. "Holy shit man. Why didn't you tell me?"

"June doesn't know," he answered shortly. "I wanna keep it that way okay? If I tell her now, she's gonna deny me sex for at least a year. Nobody knows, okay? Not even Mateo."

"Kay man, I'll keep my mouth shut," he promised. Knowing something June and Mateo didn't, gave him a satisfied feeling. His thoughts wandered to Lorraine... yeah, he definitely wanted to do her. "Okay fine. I'll go with her. But you're gonna get me that redhead, huh?"

"I will. When eh – when Mateo is back."

Emilio agreed; it would have surprised him if Juan himself had still been in contact with that stripper. There was nothing Mateo wouldn't do for his little brother, so there was no doubt in his mind that he would get him that chick.

Immediately in a better mood, he took his socks from his drawer and put them on. All he had to do to get a night with Lorraine, was surviving Jordy for a few hours.

He could handle that.

If he took earplugs with him. And duct tape. And a bag to put over her head.

 **. . .**

 _Sooo I was in the mood to write a little about the side characters and enjoyed exploring them a bit more, so I hope you don't mind! 3 Let me know what you think of it, I love hearing from you!_


	55. Vulnerable Sides

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PAST**

His mother was super friendly. She handed Jordy a glass of juice and pushed her into the couch.

"Where did you meet Emilio?" she asked with so much enthusiasm that Jordy began to suspect that Emilio had never taken a girl home.

"We're in the same class," she told the woman. "My best friend is dating his best friend, so I thought it was about time we'd hang out."

There were footsteps on the stairs, and a moment later he entered the living room, this time fully clothed. He looked at her with a face like thunder. Jordy however still found him smoking hot.

"Well, c'mon then," he grumbled.

His mother clicked with her tongue, showing her disapproval. "This isn't how I raised you, Emilio; leaving girls at the door."

"I do when they are looking like fucking parrots and sound just as fucking annoying," he huffed.

"You think you sound like a little angel this morning?" Juan grinned, bumping his shoulder as he walked into the room, giving Jordy a wink.

If she hadn't known that he was here, Jordy doubted she had dared to go to his house. It had been a true relief to know that Juan knew about her plan and that he would push Emilio to come with her. Nevertheless, she had been so nervous that she hadn't slept at all tonight. Which was stupid; she had known beforehand how he would respond to her.

And still it hurt that he hated being around her. Well, hopefully he would change his mind today. She finished her drink and put the glass on the table.

"Okay sunshine, let's go. Before you change your mind." She gave Emilio's mother a friendly smile and hugged Juan, whispering "thank you" in his ear.

Emilio didn't say a word while he followed her to the car. Right before they left his house, he put a baseball cap on his head which he pulled over his eyes, as if he was afraid that people would recognize him.

"We're gonna leave the city," she said. "We won't come across people we know."

With a surly face he stared forward.

Jordy was not put off by his behavior and she switched on the cd-player. "You did anything fun since the holidays have started?" she asked while putting on the direction indicator and turning right.

"Can we not do this? I don't want to talk to you. Just drag me to whatever place you have in mind and leave me alone. The only reason I'm here is because Juan promised you and he's getting me a hot chick later to help me forget about your ugly face."

His words hurt, and again she wondered why the hell she was torturing herself like this. He was a first-class asshole. Maybe this day was needed to fully realize that.

"You're stuck with me for the next hours," she said stubbornly. "Trust me – if you at least _try_ to have fun the time's gonna pass faster."

Emilio snorted dismissively, pulling his cap further over his eyes. "Just wake me up when we are at whatever shitty place you're takin' me."

* * *

After half an hour Jordy parked the car in front of a lunch room. Emilio hadn't said another word. She didn't know if he was really sleeping or just pretending, but when she softly shook his shoulder he gave her a dirty look.

"I'm not hungry," he grunted as he saw the restaurant.

"You were wearing boxers when you opened the door, so I assume you haven't had breakfast."

"If I'd known you'd be there I'd put on a turtleneck," he grunted.

She raised her eyebrows. "Why? Did I make you feel uncomfortable? You had a nice sixpack man, there's nothing to be ashamed of."

His hand shot to the door handle; he opened the door, got out of the car and slammed the door shut.

Sighing, Jordy raked a hand through her hair. She had hoped that he would defrost once they had left Queens, but not at all. She left the car as well. He was already at the entrance, peeking inside as if he was still afraid to see people he knew.

She actually felt sorry for him; that he cared so much about what others were thinking of him that he didn't even dare to walk on the street with a blue haired girl. The moment she stood next to him, he slipped inside as if he was afraid that she would grab his hand.

She wouldn't. She knew he didn't want it and she wouldn't force herself even more on him. Her mission for today was proving him that she was nice company – and not anything romantic.

If that would ever happen at all, they probably needed a lot of dates.

Emilio sat down in the darkest corner, staring restlessly past her while she took a seat across from him. With his elbows he was resting on the table, his head leaning in the palm of his hand while he was trying to look indifferent.

Jordy glanced at his handsome face; his dark eyebrows, deep brown eyes, tan skin and the stubble on his cheeks, making him look older than most boys of his age.

"So what's the most annoying thing about me, E?" she asked. One way or the other; she wanted to have conversation with him. Maybe this turned out to be an easy topic for him.

He raised his eyebrows. "Why the hell do you wanna know that?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Call it curiosity. You're always talkin' everyone's ears off; there has to be a reason why you're so quiet today."

"Just got nothin' to tell a whore like you."

She studied his face. "Do you even know yourself?"

"Do I know what?" he snapped.

"Why it's such a big deal for you to spend a few hours with me. What else would you have done today?"

"I planned to go to the beach and watch some tits."

She rolled eyes. "Sometimes it's hard to believe that you're sixteen instead of twelve."

His jaws tensed.

"You disagree?" Jordy asked. "Back then you already sneaked into our dressing room to watch us. You'd think someone would grow up a little since 8th grade."

He squeezed his eyes, his irises flaring up like wood in a fire. "Either way, you're just as ugly as you were back then, without tits and even skinnier than a skeleton. You're one of those whores who're starvin' themselves? Like you're not gettin' enough attention with that blue hair and retarded leopard spots."

"If I suffered from anorexia, we wouldn't have been in restaurant right now," she answered calmly. Her eyes didn't let go of his; she wondered where this was coming from, so all of a sudden. Did he feel ashamed of what he had done and was that the reason he was directing the attention back to her?

"Why not? You can go right to the toilets and puke your guts out. Maybe you should teach that fat friend of yours some of these tricks; then we don't feel like throwing up every time that cow's waddling by."

"You can also look the other way. There are plenty of other girls to look at."

Angry, he snatched the menu out of the hands of the waitress when she wanted to offer it to them.

"Sorry," she said to the girl. "It's the first time in his life that he's on a date, so he feels a little uncomfortable." She took the menu from the woman. "Thank you."

The scorching gaze with which he looked at her, made her smirk. "I don't care if you're smiling or scowling; I find you hot anyway." She winked at him and turned her attention to the menu. "What are you hungry for?" Her eyes wandered down the dishes. "I think I'm goin' for an omelet with bacon."

Emilio didn't answer and stared at the menu stubbornly.

"You know... It's kinda cute that you don't know how to behave around me."

"That you don't like how I behave, doesn't mean that I don't know how to behave," he grunted. "I think you're just a stupid attention whore with the worst taste in clothes I've ever seen, and you're right; I don't really know how to deal with the fact that you can't take a 'no' when someone turns you down, and that you practically forced me to go on a date with you."

"To be honest I think that you're just scared that you'll accidentally start to like me, and that that's the reason why you're such an ass. I see right through that, you know. I'm not the type of girl who's gonna cry in a corner cause Emilio Sanchez is sayin' hurtful things to her. I don't give a fuck about the opinion of someone who's complainin' about everythin' and everyone he sees. As for me, you can stop tryin' to hurt me, cause you're only repeatin' yourself. I knew all along how you felt about me. The only thing I'm tryin' to show you, is that you can also have fun with girls who haven't ran away from a porn studio. Yeah, maybe it's a different kind of fun than you have with your blonde bimbo's, but it will be something you're gonna remember after 24 hours. I have planned some cool things for today; it's up to you if you enjoy them or if you keep moping because you couldn't go to the beach to stare at the breasts of sunbathing girls like you're some fucking twelve year old."

She lifted the corner of her mouth as a whiff of red spread across his cheeks, and frustrated he gritted his teeth. He turned his attention back to the menu.

"Just gimme a grilled cheese sandwich."

A small smile crossed Jordy's lips as she placed the order.

* * *

Her speech was paying off. During lunch she asked him some questions he didn't ignore this time; he answered them reluctantly. He never asked her a question, but she didn't mind. She told him just as enthusiastic about herself.

When they were back in the car, Emilio felt even so comfortable that he opened the glove box to look for "something else than this fucking noise".

"I got one album of Eminem; you're not gonna find any other hiphop shit, sorry."

"Eminem is fine," he muttered. "Everything is better than this fucking trash."

She smirked and peeked at him from the corner of her eye. His face was more relaxed, a little more open and he had taken off his baseball cap. When they drove up the parking lot of the outdoor survival park and left the car, he even offered her a cigarette as he lit up one himself.

Jordy took it from him and shoved it between her lips. To her surprise, he shielded the thing off with his hand and lit the cigarette himself; his face coming so close to hers that she could hear the blood rush in her ears while her lips were getting dry.

"I didn't know you were a smoker," he said.

"Sometimes." She smirked. "But I wouldn't want our first kiss to taste like my tongue was rolling through an ash tray."

He rolled his eyes. "No need to be afraid of that. I'd bite off your tongue before you get that far."

She chuckled softly. "I bet my tongue's stronger than yours."

He raised his chin, looking pensively at her. For a moment she thought he wanted to accept the challenge, then he blew out a cloud of smoke. "We'll never know."

They headed for the entrance where Jordy paid for the climbing trail and the karting, where after they were picked up by an instructor.

Emilio didn't say much. It was bothering her; she had really thought that he would like something as adventurous as a climbing trail and abseiling, but he didn't look very excited.

"You can go first," he muttered after they had listened to the instructions.

"Okey-dokey. You've done this before?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "A few times."

Jordy nodded – good, than he'd probably like it. She secured herself and started to climb. She had also done it before, but never here. Enthusiastically she climbed bridge after bridge; the obstacles were getting a little more difficult each time. The adrenaline was rushing through her veins and she gave a little scream when she was almost losing her balance on a moving piece of wood. Right before she fell, she could grab the thick rope above her head.

Laughing, she looked over her shoulder.

Emilio was way behind her, and when he looked up, he motioned her to move on. Jordy wasn't in the mood for another discussion and gave in, although she'd liked it more if they had done this together.

By now they were at a height of 30 meters. Before her was a very long bridge consisting of various three trunks. They were wobbling like crazy, and excitement spread through her body while she slowly climbed further. Halfway was a platform where she took a rest and waited for Emilio.

He however moved slowly – very slowly.

After a while she noted that he was standing still and staring into the depth.

She frowned. Was he okay? She grabbed the ropes and shuffled back, one foot at a time. The logs were swinging from left to right.

"Hey, you okay?" she asked when there were only two trunks between Emilio and her. He hadn't moved, his knuckles had paled because his hands were clenched so tight around the rope and he was still staring down.

"Just move on," he snapped back. "I'm just a little dizzy." His voice cracked.

He didn't look to the side. She saw how he briefly wiped his cheek with his shoulder.

With a pit in her stomach Jordy came closer. His hands were shaking and again he rubbed his eyes with his arm, pushing the helmet more to the left.

"You cryin'?" she asked shocked as she saw something shine on his cheek.

"Just go okay!" he yelled, but right after his words a sob escaped his lips.

Jordy's stomach cringed. She ignored his snark and walked towards him. This could only happen to her; making her date cry.

"Fuck off Jordy, I'm serious!" he grumbled.

"I'm not leavin' you like this," she answered stubbornly. "What's wrong?"

Finally he looked up. His face was pale, tears were shining in his eyes. "You happy now?" he snapped. "This what you wanted? Is this your revenge because I'm such a dick? What are ya gonna do now, pushin' me down? You're gonna unclip that thing now?"

"Don't be such an idiot," she answered, shaking her head. "Come on, you can't stand here like this forever Emilio."

"You think I _wanna_ stay here?" he snapped. "My whole body's just blocked!" His lips quivered, a tear ran down his cheek. Wildly, he snapped his head the other way.

He was scared, she realized. "You're afraid of heights?" she asked overwhelmed.

"No I'm cryin' because I'm havin' so much fun!"

"Why didn't you tell me before we started? We could have done something else!"

He didn't answer and tightened his grasp around the rope.

With a sigh, she crossed the last trunk that separated them. "Don't freak out," she said, "I'm steppin' on yours and it's gonna wiggle."

Emilio said nothing. She could hear his troubled breathing.

She moved her hands a little, stepping over the gap between the two trunks. A whimper left his lips as her foot landed on the piece of wood he was standing on, by which it swung back and forth.

She laid a hand against his cheek, making him look up. It was surreal to see someone like Emilio with tears in his eyes, and it didn't leave her indifferent. Never before she had wanted to hug someone so badly.

"You're secured, sweetie," she said calmly. "Even if you slip, nothing can happen to you. We're gonna finish this bridge together, then we go down with the emergency stairs. Okay?"

He took a deep breath and nodded.

"Just follow my lead, okay? Put your feet where I put them."

Slowly, she started to move. Their pace was so low that she walked backwards. Emilio's eyes shot from the wood to her face – at least he was no longer looking down.

By the time they had reached the platform, he looked so pale that she was afraid that he would faint. There was still a high stairs they needed to descend; he wasn't done yet.

Emilio panted, his eyes still wide because of the panic. Now they had a little more room, she could no longer hold herself back and she gave him a big squeezing hug.

"You did great!"

He didn't push her away; instead she felt his shaking hands against her back. She knew him well enough to know that this was the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to him, but at least he was accepting help now.

She kept holding him until his breathing had normalized and his hands stopped trembling. When she let go of him, he turned his head away; his face red of shame.

Jordy acted like she hadn't noticed and walked across the platform towards the emergency stairs.

"You can go first," she said. "I'll check if you're secured well."

He nodded silently, attached the hook to the steel cable and sat down on the wood.

"Just look up," she told him.

He grabbed the railing of the stairs and turned around until his feet had found the steps. Then he descended the stairs, step by step. Jordy waited a moment, then she went down herself so she could support him when he was getting another panic attack.

Now and then she looked down between her feet, giving him an encouraging smile when their eyes met. Halfway he needed a little break to take a few deep breaths; then he pulled through until he reached the ground.

As soon as he had loosened himself, he turned away from her and stared into the distance. She could feel the shame radiating from him.

Hesitating, she came closer and laid a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, E-"

"Why can you never do something normal?" he burst out. "Who does something like this on a date! What's wrong with going to the movies?!"

"I thought something casual would bore you – would bore both of us," she said softly. "How was I supposed to know that you're terrified of heights! You even told me you'd done it before!"

He gritted his teeth. "And what if I'd told you the truth? You'd told me to stop bein' a baby."

"I never would have said that. Phobias are serious shit; I'd never push you to do this if I'd known about your fears. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

He made a face. "Can we go home now?"

Disappointed, Jordy's shoulders slumped down. "Let's drink a cup of coffee and see if you're in the mood to do something else in fifteen minutes. I've already paid for the karting."

Grumbling, he agreed.

Jordy noticed that he was avoiding her glance when they sat down at a booth a little later, both with a cup of coffee in front of them. She understood why he felt ashamed; he was the type of guy pretending he wasn't afraid of anything.

"You're gonna tell 'em?" he asked after a while. He stared into the dark drink.

"Tell who what?"

"You know, the people at school. June. Juan. That you saw me cryin'."

She looked pensively at his face. "It's tempting," she admitted. "You're making fun of people all the time."

He said nothing.

"But no, that's not me. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to. Not even June."

"And Juan?" His voice trembled.

Jordy raised her eyebrows. "He's your best friend. He doesn't know about it?"

Silently, he shook his head. A red glow spread across his cheeks.

"He won't –"

"He can't know, okay! He's gonna think that I'm a pussy."

"You're not a pussy. I think it calls for some serious balls that you still gave it a shot."

Skittishly, he looked up. Seeing him so vulnerable did something with her. She laid her hand on top of his, squeezing it. He didn't pull away.

"I won't tell anyone, okay? I promise. But please, let's do a round of cart. This whole day is a failure if I haven't seen you smile. And to be honest karting is scaring me to death, so you're gonna have your fun."

A hint of smile crossed his face. He raised his head a little and she noticed that he was looking at their hands.

Inside her stomach something seemed to explode; tinglings were racing through her whole body because he didn't pull back his hand.

"We can take a duo cart? If it scares you? At least for the first round?"

Jordy had the feeling she was hallucinating. Was Emilio really suggesting that? When she didn't answer, his face tensed as if he had also realized that he had said something really sweet.

"Never mind," he muttered.

"No," she said quickly. "I eh – I would really like that."

Her cheeks flushed when he looked up and showed her an almost shy smile, as if he secretly liked the idea that she felt safer next to him than alone in a cart.

"Okay, let's go. We're gonna put up a new record," he said,

His usual smirk returned – but this time it wasn't a mocking one. Jordy felt the heat spread through her stomach and she jumped up, suddenly feeling so enthusiast she could no longer sit still.

Although she had secretly wished that this whole date would be a big turn-off because there was no point in falling for him, she had now seen a side of him that had made her feelings at least ten times worse.

That unexpected vulnerable side that Juan had shown June, didn't seem to be foreign to his best friend at all – precisely what she had been hoping for.

* * *

Hey! I wanted to clarify that Emilio's fear of heights is restricted to great heights (when you won't survive a fall), which explains why he had no trouble sitting on the windowsill in the previous chapter. ;)


	56. Going Further

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PAST**

June's heart jumped when the door bell rang. A few days had passed since the last time she had seen him; he had been working for three nights and during the day they had also been too busy. Although he had a key, he rather rang the bell when he knew that she was home and June didn't mind. She opened the front door.

Although they were together for a month now, his smile still made her feel shaky. Juan closed the door behind him. His hands folded around her hips as he softly pushed her backwards, until her back touched the wall. She chuckled as he stroked the hair away from her shoulder, kissing his way up to her neck until he reached her ear. "I've missed you," he whispered.

June wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. His grasp around her hips steadied, and an intense heat flared up inside her. Some less innocent images slipped inside her head, making her blush. She caught herself having those fantasies more and more the past days. She was longing for going a little bit further than the regular kissing, but she didn't know how to tell him.

His lips touched the tip of her nose, dragging her out of her thoughts.

"Haven't you missed me?" he pouted.

"Maybe a little," she teased. She wrapped her arms around his torso and pulled him close. "Or maybe a little more than a little."

His eyes were smiling when he looked at her. Again warm feelings were bubbling up. She still didn't get it; she had a hard time accepting that he hadn't grown tired of her the past weeks and that he liked her just as much as she liked him. It still felt like a bubble that could burst any moment.

"I wanna take you somewhere," he said.

Curiously, June looked at him. She would never say no to a ride on his bike.

"Oh, and take your drawing stuff with ya."

His face didn't reveal anything except a wide grin. His hand glided into hers and he gently dragged her with him to the living room. June went upstairs to get her drawing pad and pencils. He had never said that before, and for some unknown reason it made her a little nervous.

After putting her stuff in her bag she returned to the living room. Juan was talking to her mother. She couldn't hear what they were saying, but they were both laughing and the sight of them lifted the corners of her own mouth as well.

He was so sweet. So amazing.

She stood behind him, her arms slipping around him and holding him tight. "Hmm I think I actually missed you very much," she whispered in his ear.

His hands stroked hers and settled on them. "I knew it." Looking over his shoulder, he gave her a wink. "See you tonight," he said to Hannah.

"Have fun, sweethearts." She showed them a tired smile.

Their hands laced as they left the living room, crossed the hallway and headed for the door. She waited until Juan had mounted his bike and climbed on the back of it, wrapping her arms tightly around him; sitting so close to him while riding still gave her a matchless feeling.

It wasn't a long ride. After ten minutes he went off the road and parked his bike on the shoulder. They found themselves on the other side of the East River. His hand touched for hers and he led her underneath the bridge, across a narrow path that wasn't officially a road. After pushing some branches away, they reached a beautiful spot that was surrounded by trees and bushes.

"I come here often," he said. "When I want to clear my head. Sometimes Mateo joins me, he showed me this place years ago. I never took anyone else with me, not even Emilio." He took her other hand in his as well. His cheeks turned reddish and June inhaled sharply, knowing he would again tell her something that was so sweet that her legs would almost collaps.

"Before I knew about your feelings for me, I often fantasized about taking you to this place. That we would sit here together and just... enjoy the peace." He lifted her hands, kissing her knuckles. "This place means a lot to me... and you mean a lot to me too, June. I uh... I wanted to share this with you."

June didn't know what to answer. It was... really romantic and it made her feel shy again.

She looked at the sunlight beaming on the water, and at the opposite shore which was so far away that she couldn't even see the shapes of people; she only saw high buildings. High above them the traffic rushed by, but somehow the noise seemed to drift over them; it still felt peaceful.

"It's really beautiful here," she said.

He led her to a large pillar and sat down against it. He dragged her with him so that she was sitting between his legs, her back against his chest. His arms glided around her, his chin resting on her shoulder.

"About four months ago I sat here too, after you turned me down for Jubilee prom. I imagined how it would feel to hold you in my arms while sitting here... and it feels amazing."

June leaned into him. "You're so sweet, Juan. I just don't know what to say." She turned her head, kissing him right above his eyebrow. "I love you."

He tightened his grasp around her. "Love you too."

June smiled at him, then she turned back her head and looked forward; to the wavy water and the greenery that was such a rarity so close to the city. She enjoyed his arms around her, his breathing in her neck, the confidentiality she felt between them. There was no need for words, she knew he liked the quiet just as much as she did.

When her phone started to buzz in her pocket she wanted to ignore it at first, but she had a feeling it was Jordy and she wanted to check on her. Apologizing to Juan, she looked at the screen and opened her friend's message. When she saw that she had missed another text, she felt a little restless.

10.19 _I thinks he's not coming_  
11.02 _Oh, he'd mixed up the time, everything's all right. xxxx_

June answered: _Happy to hear that! Have fun! :) x_

She put away the device and stroked Juan's fingers. "They really have a second date. Can you believe it?" She laughed quietly.

"Hmm? Who? "

"Emilio and Jordy."

"No fucking way! They have second date?"

"Yeah, right now." She turned a little so she could look at him. "Didn't he tell you?"

Juan shook his head. "No. Although he didn't tell me much about the first date either. He said it was okay but that he was glad it was over."

"He ignored her texts for two weeks, but when she asked him yesterday if he wanted to spend some time together tomorrow he agreed. Although he came an hour too late."

Juan started to laugh. "Wow... okay, didn't see that comin'... Damn, I can't believe he didn't say anything! I asked him last night if he had any plans for today!"

"You think it will ever become serious?" June asked softly. If she was honest, she hoped they wouldn't become a thing, even though she felt bad about it. But even if Emilio developed feelings for Jordy, dared to share them _and_ wanted a relationship, she was sure it was only a matter of time before he would hurt her.

"I dunno," he answered. "Before today I woulda said no, but if they're really havin' a second date now... well he has to like her a little at least, right? I mean – he never dated a girl; and now they're even goin' out for the second time."

June stared at the water. "Well he did ignore her two weeks before he wanted to speak to her again."

"You ignored me much longer."

Ashamed, June bent her head. That was true.

"Sorry." He pressed a kiss in her hair. "I gotta stop bringin' that up."

"No it's okay," she answered. "Feelings are just... complicated. I shouldn't judge him. To be honest, I get Emilio when he's feeling confused because he's starting to like Jordy. A few weeks ago he hated her... I just hope he doesn't hurt her. She always acts like his words leave her untouched, but she's actually very sensitive and if he gives her hope now while..." She sighed as she realized that she was rambling.

There was no point in overthinking it. She couldn't change anything about it anyway; it was something Jordy and Emilio needed to figure out together, like Juan and she had done before they got together. She however knew Juan and she never would have been a couple if it wasn't for Jordy, making her feel obliged to help her friend as well.

"Sorry," she said softly. "I don't want to ruin this afternoon by my doubts and sorrows. It's out of my hands anyway."

His hands moved to her wrists and glided up to her arms. "It is, baby. The next hours they're gonna have to entertain themselves. Just like us..." He had reached her shoulders; now his fingertips glided across her collarbones. She held her breathe, tinglings traveled down her arms. When his hands glided down her breasts she closed her eyes for a moment, leaning against him, hoping he would feel what she wanted; that he would touch her skin on other places than her neck and arms.

He however settled them on her stomach again, pressing a kiss to her auricle.

"I don't know if you like it," he started. "But I thought... Maybe you could draw us... you know, like we're sittin' here. For eh, your collection." He pressed his face against her hair, although she could still hear him mutter: "For our collection."

Surprised, she looked over her shoulder. His cheeks were flushing and he looked a bit skittishly at her, as if he was afraid that he was asking something inappropriate. The idea hadn't crossed her mind, but when she remembered what he had just told her; that this place meant a lot to him, she found it a beautiful thought.

She leaned back to kiss his jaw, then she pulled her bag closer. "That's a great idea." Pulling up one leg so she could use her thigh as support, she started to sketch. She opted for a side view. The two of them were on the front, but she also drew their surroundings.

It didn't take long before her hand acted independently from her brain. There was no need to think about the details, they just flew out out of her pencil. After the bridge and river were finished, she paid more attention to Juan and her. She felt Juan's chin on her shoulder while he watched her in silence; he even seemed a little breathless.

She thought back to the drawing he had found – he had told her that he would like to see more of those creations. Would he get the hint if she outlined her longing for more? She found it hard and even a little weird to just ask for it, but hidden between the pencil strokes it felt safer.

Softly biting on her lip, she added some details. She was sitting between his knees, his chin on her shoulder. Then she drew the parts of their torso's that were visible. Her heart raced in her chest as she drew his hand underneath her shirt, by which the fabric was rolled up until her belly button.

She didn't dare to look at him. Suddenly the silence no longer felt peaceful; it felt suffocating. She regretted her action and her fingers started to shake. Tears stung in her eyes. It was stupid – why couldn't see express her longings like normal people would?

She was so lost in thoughts that she startled when Juan stroked her hair. Now she had stopped drawing, he turned her head a little to the side so he could look at her.

"Is that something you want, June?" His voice sounded husky. "What you – what you have just drawn?"

There was no doubt that her cheeks were just as red as his. With wide eyes she looked at him, slowly nodding.

The smile he showed her was a shaky one, and she realized that she wasn't the only one who was nervous.

"Yes." She cleared her throat. "I um, I think I would like that."

As his hands glided down her sides, she held her breathe. She put down the sketch pad and leaned back into his embrace. His fingers slipped underneath her shirt, caressing the skin right above her waistband. From there, they traveled up. Slowly, the palm of his hand glided across her stomach, his fingertips softly pressing against her flesh.

"You uhmm... you want me to go higher?" he whispered when his hand settled on her upper abdomen.

"Y-yes."

She heard how his breathing became heavier; just like hers. Carefully his fingers danced along the edges of her bra; first they explored the lower part, then the sides and eventually the top of her bra, by which he stroked the upper part of her breasts.

His other hand glided underneath her shirt as well.

June opened her eyes and glanced at the other side of the river, but they were well hidden; nobody would see them.

His touch was so amazing that all other thoughts drifted away. With both hands he cupped her breasts now, squeezing softly.

She felt his lips against her neck as he whispered: "Can I unhook it? I mean uh, your bra?"

June nodded, leaning forward to give him more room. Her shirt rolled up a bit as he moved his hands to her back.

Longer than expected he struggled with the clasp, he was even softly cursing. She realized that he had never unhooked a bra before; all this was new for him too and it gave her an even more special feeling.

She felt how the parts of her bra were hanging down now Juan had managed to unclasp it. His hands glided to the front again and he held both of her breasts in his hands.

"They're so big," he whispered. "And so soft." The palm of his hands were pushing up her breasts and he pressed them together, the roughness of his hands and the cold of the ring around his thumb making her feel hot all over. "You like this? If I – If you want me to do things differently you gotta tell me baby."

She snuggled up closer to him, laid her head on his shoulder and looked up to him. His nervousness hadn't slipped away. She turned her head a little and kissed his jaw. "I like this." Her voice was trembling, showing him how much she loved his touch. "A lot." She closer her eyes again, becoming more and more aware of his hands. His thumbs pushed against her nipples and he softly tugged on them.

A sigh of pleasure slipped her lips.

"I like it too," he said softly. "You – you feel so amazing. I think um – I think you're really hot baby." His hands glided down along her sides, and back up to her breasts. She looked down, watched how his hands moved underneath her shirt; wishing she could see his tan skin upon her body. She however couldn't take off her shirt, not here, and deep down she wasn't sure if she already wanted him to see her breasts. He had never touched someone like this before, but he had watched a lot of porn, making her insecure – maybe he would unconsciously compare her to those actress and feel disappointed.

As if he sensed that her euphoria was slipping away, his hands glided to her stomach and he held her tight again.

"I love you," he murmured. "Every day a little more, it seems. Even though that seems impossible."

June turned to the right, so she could wrap her arms around his waist, her head leaning against his chest where she could hear his excited heartbeat. "I know exactly what you mean," she whispered.

She closed her eyes, knowing she could sit like this forever.


	57. Heart to Heart

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PAST**

His lips were leaving small kisses in her neck while he was listening to her heavy breathing. Rolling her nipples between his thumb and forefinger, he watched her face from the side. She had closed her eyes, her head tilted back a little. She looked so fucking hot. He imagined how she would look if his lips took the place of his fingers, and how her breathing would sound as they were lying naked on top of each other, their bodies warm and full of expectation until he slowly entered her. How would she feel around him? How would her moaning sound? Would she whisper his name – and call it out later? Images flashed through his head. Between his legs he felt a throbbing sensation; he was hard as hell and he was dying to feel her fingers stroking him – or her lips. Oh, her lips... He swallowed a desirous growl. Was she thinking about things like that too? Did she want him to touch those parts of her body too? Was she just as excited as he down there? His mouth felt dry at the thought of slipping his tongue through her wetness; she would arch her back with pleasure as he tasted her – something nobody had done before.

His fingertips were touching her waistband. He was just about to slip his hand into her pants when he realized what he was doing. Quickly he pulled back his hand, settling it on her stomach. A little ashamed he pressed his cheek against hers, holding her tight. He didn't know if she had noticed what he had been about to do and swallowed an apology.

Only after half a minute he dared to peek at her face; she still looked relaxed and there was a dreamy smile on her lips. Hesitating, he let go of his fear – this time he hadn't ruined things.

"I love you June." His voice sounded a bit hoarse. He didn't know why, suddenly he felt very vulnerable. As if what they had, was very fragile and he could lose it any moment. He had said those words to her before, even during the past hour, but he wanted her to know, to realize the importance of his words, so that she would never doubt it and would never leave him.

She turned a little so she could look at him, making him wonder if she had heard a vibration in his voice. "Is something wrong?"

He felt his cheeks glow. Instead of shaking his head in denial, he caressed her cheek. "You feel like the only thing in my life that's beautiful. Sometimes – sometimes I'm just afraid to lose you. That I – that I don't deserve this." He dropped his eyes and lowered his hand.

He hadn't wanted to tell her that.

She cupped his cheeks with her hands and raised his head. Her soft lips touched his and she kissed him gently. As his fingers were entangled in her hair, his tongue brushed hers, and he felt the tinglings race across his arms and legs.

After a while she pulled back her face and kept his glance. "If you don't deserve this, no one does." Her thumb stroked across his bottom lip. "I love you Juan, and there's no place I'd rather be than around you. I'm going nowhere."

His lips bent into a hesitating smile. She was like an angel. So beautiful, so sweet, so pure... And precisely because of that, the accusations of his mother buzzed through his head. That he would ruin her, that he would hurt her sooner or later.

"Stop," she whispered, and she leaned with her forehead against his. "I can almost hear your thoughts. These aren't nice ones."

He wanted to bow his head in shame because he had killed the mood once again, but her head kept him from doing so.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"Let them go baby. Only keep the thoughts that will make us happy."

 _Us._

It was such a simple word, but it made his heart flood with love for this special girl. His girl.

His fingers climbed higher in her hair and he leaned into her, his eyes closed.

"I'm going to make us happy June," he promised. "I will always take care of you."

It was no empty promise; her anxiety because she would lose her mom within a few years was very real. When she looked up to him, tears were shining in his eyes, calling them up in his own eyes as well.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Her arms glided around him and they held each other close, both convinced that they would always give each other all they could.

* * *

"I think it's time to go back," Juan said after they had completely lost themselves in their cuddling, seemingly forgotten something like time existed at all. "It's almost dinner time."

June nodded, although her eyes told him she rather stayed here with him. He however knew she would change her mind the minute she knew who were waiting for her at home.

His hands glided underneath her shirt and he stroked her sides and back on his way to hook her bra. As his fingers moved to the front to make sure the cups covered her breasts well enough, her cheeks turned red again.

Seeing her blush always gave him a weak feeling in his stomach, and he felt the blood rush to his head as well. "I uh... I enjoyed today. You were right – the first time I stayed the night. This was much more special than when we would have taken that step to distract me. And uhm... I think it was hot that you drew what you uh... what you wanted from me."

Since his mumbling made him feel uncomfortable and he was getting sick of his ever flushing cheeks, he quickly leaned into her to give her a kiss, cutting off her "me too". His hands disappeared from underneath her shirt and pulled the hem down; then he got up and helped her on her feet.

June gathered her drawing stuff and put it in her bag, and hand in hand they made their way upwards.

* * *

Half an hour later, they entered the house. A smile was already on Juan's face as he heard the elated voices of the twins.

The moment June went through the door to the living room, she was rooted to the spot. Two old people were sitting on the couch and watched them with friendly faces.

"Grandpa! Grandma!" Her voice sounding so enthusiastic didn't come around very often. She let go of his hand and hurried to the couple, hugging the both of them. "What are you doing here?"

"Why don't you ask your boyfriend," grandma winked.

June turned towards him, question marks in her eyes. Juan ran a hand across his head, suddenly afraid that she wouldn't want to leave at all tomorrow.

Instead of giving her an explanation immediately, he introduced himself to June's grandparents. Then he sat down on the couch next to her grandpa and pulled June on his lap.

"I want to take you somewhere for a couple of days. Your mom thought it was a good idea and to make sure that you wouldn't worry too much about her, she asked your grandparents to come over for a week. Once we're back they will stick around for three more days, so you can spend some time with them as well." He took her hand, stroking her knuckles with his thumb. In her eyes he read her doubt; she found it hard to leave her mother behind.

"Where will we go?" she asked quietly.

"To Kansas, to my sister. Mateo had planned the trip to surprise me; he had already bought tickets but he can't go now... So he suggested that you should come with me." He lifted her hand, kissing the back of it. "I'd like you to meet my sister. She also has a boyfriend who I've never met before."

"And we will be leaving tomorrow? With... a plane? I've never been in one and I..." Her eyes were wide.

Chuckling softly, he kissed her temple. "It's all taken care of. It's only for four days, I'm sure you can pack your bag in one hour." Teasingly, he squeezed her side. "It's about time you meet the good part of my family."

Her eyes shot to her mother, but when she showed them a warm smile, she seemed to relax a little.

"Come on, let's eat!" April ran towards them, pulling on their arms. "Before you two are getting sticky _again_!" She made a face.

Chuckling, Juan got up. "And the next days nobody will complain about that either," he whispered in June's ear.

"Maybe your sister doesn't like to see her baby brother showing his affection," she answered with a teasing grin.

He leaned into her, so her grandparents wouldn't hear him and said: "Then she better gets us a hotel room. Cause after today..."

April pulled his hand. "Whispering. Is. Impolite."

He covered her ears with his hands. "Well not everything is meant for your ears, little one."

Screaming of laughter, she tried to free herself from his grasp. Juan chuckled softly as he walked with her towards the table. He saw that June's family turned towards the laughter, and he felt blessed as he noticed their warm glances.

This family – it felt like a gift. And no matter how hard he had tried to feel at home around other people, he seemed to fit in naturally here. Even her grandparents seemed to like him.

Sitting down on a chair, he squeezed June's hand when she sat down next to him. She gave him so much more than she would ever understand.

* * *

The stair creaked as Juan went upstairs. Michelle had told him that Emilio was in his room and Juan couldn't imagine his friend had taken Jordy there – and his mother would have mentioned that too. Without knocking on the door, he entered the room.

Emilio was doing sit-ups on the ground, but sat up straight when he saw Juan. Sweat was beading on his forehead and chest and smirking, Juan whistled a teasing tone.

"So, who do you wanna impress with those muscles?"

To his surprise, a pink glow spread across Emilio's face. "Uh no one," he muttered.

"Yeah right..." Juan flopped down on his bed. When Emilio got on his feet and reached for a shirt, Juan noticed a large bruise above his hip, and a moment later he saw another one on his upper arm.

"The fuck happened to you man?" He jumped up, grabbed his friend's arm an watched his back with worried eyes. When it was too dark to see anything, he laid a hand on Emilio's shoulder and turned him towards the light. He counted at least four purple bruises.

"It's nothing." Emilio didn't look him in the eye.

Before Juan realized it, he grabbed his chin to force eye contact, as his brother was always doing when he tried to hide something from him. A protectiveness he hadn't experienced very often, arose. "Did someone beat you up?"

For a few long seconds, Emilio stared at him. His breathing faltered and at the same time Juan realized his dumb move; touching someone in a compelling way like this while he might have been beaten up earlier today, wasn't the smartest thing to do.

Right when Emilio wanted to pull back his head, Juan let go of him. "Who was it? Someone from school?"

"As if I would ever let someone beat the shit outta me," he suddenly snapped, glaring at Juan. "You think my face is so handsome they would leave it that way?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders. Who would guess. Maybe they didn't want anyone to find out. He knew not everyone was enamored with his friend and he had been involved in many fights. "Then how did you get those bruises?"

"I've done paintball man, that's all." He put on his shirt, still avoiding his glance. "You're bitchin' like you're my fuckin' mom."

A little awkwardly, Juan's hands slipped into his pockets. Maybe he overreacted a bit. The fact that his brother's face was still bruised every time he visited him still bothered him, especially because he could do shit about it. The last thing he wanted, was his best friend going through the same shit. He however wasn't in the mood to apologize – and by now he understood why his friend was so evasive.

"Jordy and you have paintballed. Anything else?"

Emilio's jaw tensed. "That fuckin' whore told June. I told her to shut her mouth."

"They're girls. Of course they the tell each other they have a date. You coulda told me too, ya know."

"It was not a date," Emilio grunted. "It was just... I dunno. I was fucking bored. You never have time anyway."

"We hung out in the park two days ago!" Juan objected, not understanding where this snark was coming from. "You know, it's okay if you like to spend time with her – even if you would start to have feelings for her. You don't have to come up with lame excuses."

"Don't be such an idiot. Of course I don't like her. The only reason I went with her, is because she's paying everything."

Juan chuckled. "C'mon man, a month ago you wouldn't have gone out with her if I'd given you a 100 bucks. You just like her company. I'm your best friend man, and I'm also the one who put you up with her. You can tell me how you really feel about her."

"She's an ugly attention whore."

"That's the definition of yourself." He smirked when his friend's eyes shot daggers at him. "Don't be so wound up, I'm kiddin' man."

Juan walked towards the window, hoisted himself on the windowsill and lit a cigarette.

Somehow he had the feeling that Emilio wouldn't dare to be honest before Juan opened up to him as well, so he decided to keep his promise. "We went further than kissing today. June and me."

Emilio sat down next to him and took a cigarette from him. "Finally! Thought it was never going to happen." He showed Juan a grin, but for some reason it lacked the usual enthusiasm. He wondered what was going on in his head, but he had no idea how to figure that out.

"You saw her naked?"

"What? – No man, you skip like ten steps."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm always skipping the borin' steps."

"It wasn't boring – not at all."

Emilio sniggered, leaning back. "Okay homes. So you haven't seen anything? You touched her? Or was June the exploring one?"

To his annoyance, Juan felt his cheeks glow. _I can only wish that she's gonna explore my body soon._ "I touched her breasts... kneaded them."

"So... you were lying in bed or something?"

Juan hesitated. Although Emilio always told him all the details about his adventures in bed, even when he wasn't interested in hearing them, Juan found it a little embarrassing to do the same.

"We were at the river bank, surrounded by trees. She was sitting between my legs, her back against my chest..."

Emilio nodded slowly. He had no idea why, but he had the feeling that Emilio was picturing them and it made him feel uncomfortable.

"And then? You just did it?"

Again, Juan hesitated. Part of him wanted to tell him how it had happened – he believed it was really hot that she had drawn them. It was probably a side nobody knew about – which was the reason he decided to keep it to himself. It was something between them, and he was afraid that Emilio would tease June with it, after which he would never see that sketch book again.

"She led my hands underneath her shirt," he lied. "It was... hot."

"Even seein' her yawn is hot accordin' to you."

Juan rolled his eyes and kicked Emilio's shoe. "Ya gonna tell me how your date really was?"

"We paintballed. She sucked at it."

"Judgin' by all those bruises you weren't such a star yourself either," Juan grinned. "You're gonna do it again? If she asks you?"

Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "Dunno, I'll see." He let out a puff of smoke and stared at the sky. "I don't know what to think of her," he said after a while. "Sometimes she's okay... we had some good talks. But at other times she's fucking annoying and all want is her to leave me alone."

Juan bit back a smirk. It sounded like Emilio was describing himself. "Nah, after some time you learn to ignore your annoyance."

The boy snorted. "Now don't talk like there's gonna be a double wedding. That's she's okay doesn't mean that I want to do anything with her but spending her money. Come on man. I rather fuck that fat cow of a friend of hers than her. Even a shelf has more curves."

"Hmm. I believe it when I see it."

Emilio raised his eyebrows. "What? You wanna see that?"

He rolled his eyes. "Not all of us feel the need to imagine how our friends have sex."

Emilio showed him a insolent grin. "It's not my fault that there's more chemistry between you two than between two porn stars."

A little skeptical, Juan looked at him. "I remember you sayin' we weren't an amazing couple."

His friend shrugged her shoulder. "You weren't, in the beginning. Until I saw that kiss. I wouldn't say no to her now, ya know."

"Well that's good to know," he answered sarcastically. Luckily, she _would_ say no. Still his words filled him with relief – he was glad that both Mateo and Emilio had admitted that June was a girl he could be proud of. He had known that all along, but he was happy they saw it too. "We're going to my sister for a couple of days, we're gonna leave tomorrow. I had an extra ticket now Mateo can't come with me. So if you feel bored without me, you better get yourself a new date with Jordy."

Emilio's face grew dark. "We're talkin' about a city trip for a year and now you go with June?"

"I'm visitin' my sister," he repeated. "And she hates you."

He rolled his eyes. "She's still not over that?"

"About you stepping out of her wardrobe while she was changing clothes? That gave her a trauma man."

"I was ten! We were playin' hide and seek, how was I supposed to know that your sister believed that was the perfect moment to dance around in her underwear?"

His wronged face made Juan chuckle. Whether Luna was still blaming him for that, he didn't know. But she had snapped at him that Emilio was a little piece of shit a dozen times.

"Maybe you should dance for her in your underwear too. So you're even, ya know."

Emilio's eyes narrowed. "First you're settin' me up with that blue haired clown and now you want me to bang your sister? What the hell is wrong with you? What's next? You want me to give your brother a fucking lapdance?"

Smirking, Juan took a drag from his cigarette. "Rather him than me."

"It's gonna be you're only chance on a lapdance," Emilio scoffed. "Your lover first needs to look up the word in the dictionary and will probably run for the hills. Even a broom moves more sensual."

Juan was too comfortable to feel offended. Leaning back he closed his eyes, imagining how that would be. June dancing around his chair in a hot way, sitting down on his lap and looking shyly at him before slowly freeing her inhibitions.

"Bet she's like that when she's on your lap. But when she's with me... things get steamy like our bodies have their own language." He wiggled his eyebrows.

Emilio's jaw tensed, and Juan saw jealousy flickering in his eyes. He smirked. His friend might pretend that he didn't like June, but Juan sensed that he was secretly wishing to have someone like her too.

"Well, maybe that's an idea for your next date with Jordy," he said with a grin. "A lapdance workshop. Maybe you'll finally feel that chemistry I see between you two."

Emilio's eyes were shooting daggers. "Shut your fuckin' mouth."

Laughing, Juan put out his cigarette. "I'm gonna pack my stuff. Go to that workshop man. The look on her face will be priceless." He got off the windowsill. "Although I doubt you got the balls to do it."

As expected, Emilio raised his chin provokingly. "What? You think I don't dare?"

"I don't think you do." He tried to hide his wide grin. "But feel free to prove me wrong."


	58. Away From Home

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PAST**

"You want to sit next to the window?" Juan laid a hand against the small of her back, rubbing it up and down.

June felt so nervous she was wigging out. Quickly she shook her head. "No, you can sit there." She wouldn't dare to look down anyway and the enthusiasm in his voice told her that he did want to see how the city would become smaller and smaller underneath them.

He lifted up her rolling bag and put it in the overhead compartment; then he wriggled his way to the window seat. June followed, sitting down on the middle seat and shoving her back pack underneath the seat in front of her.

Juan flipped through the magazines in the pocket of the airplane seat until he had found what movie would be shown. June couldn't even hear what movie it was; she felt so uptight that her hearing seemed to fail. She thought of all the news reports about crashed airplanes. Motorcycle and car accidents were much more common, but an airplane crash was so... definitive; so many people died... A shiver crept down her spine. In a flash she thought about her father, she hadn't spoken to him in a year. Would she regret not having talked to him when –

A warm hand against her cheek turned her face to the side, soft lips greeting hers. Her anxiety slipped away. She leaned into him, allowed his tongue inside her mouth. Jitters spread through her body, tinglings raced across her skin. Her hand glided to his neck as she deepened the kiss. She wanted him closer, she wanted...

Something touched her elbow. Immediately June sat up straight and cocked her head to the right. A portly man had taken the seat next to her. Her cheeks flushed when he muttered an apology. For a moment she had forgotten where they were. Ashamed, her eyes shot to Juan, but he quickly turned his head the other way to hide his smirk. He couldn't care less; kissing in public however was something June still didn't feel comfortable with.

When he managed to keep a straight face again, he pulled his backpack closer and took a card game out of it. "April pushed a pile of games in my hands. You wanna play this one?"

June knew his was only suggesting this to distract her from her nervousness, and she thought it was incredibly sweet. With a nod she agreed, where after she watched how he took the lid of the box and started to shuffle the cards. As her glance wandered across his fingers, she thought back to the day before; when they had glided underneath her shirt, kneading her breasts. Her mouth felt dry and her stomach squinted in a pleasant way. Would he do that again tonight? It had been a while since they had slept in the same bed.

"What is it?" he asked as he caught her glance.

Again her cheeks turned red. "Nothing. I just think you're sweet."

The words tumbled out of her mouth and a little ashamed she looked away. She sounded like a twelve year old.

Chuckling softly, he kissed her temple. "I think you're the sweet one."

* * *

June was more than relieved when they were past the airport security. Juan had done his best to distract her, and even though he had succeeded to some extent, there had been a knot in her stomach the whole time.

However, as soon as they neared Arrivals, a new fear arose inside her. The family members she had met up to now had been quite... extreme. What if the same went for his sister? If she was some female version of Mateo? Or a copy of their mother? No – that last option was ruled out. Juan liked her; otherwise they wouldn't have been here.

On the other hand, he liked Emilio and Mateo too.

Hand in hand they walked to the waiting crowd. What did Luna think of her coming with Juan? Had she actually looked forward to be reunited with both of her brothers, making a small comfort of June? Her eyes wandered across the different people; some of them raising names written on paper. She hadn't seen any pictures at Juan's place, so she had no idea what Luna looked like. It however didn't take long before a petite girl ran towards them, wrapping her arms around Juan. June wanted to step away from them to give them some space, but Juan didn't let go of her hand and embraced his sister with one arm.

"Hey," he said after his sister let go of him.

"It's been forever!" Curiously, Luna turned her head to June, it looked like she was wondering whether she should greet her with a hug or not.

A little awkwardly, June held out her hand. "Hi. I'm June."

"Hey June. It's so nice to meet you!" Her shining eyes shot from Juan to her and back while shaking June's hand. "There was no space to park close by, so Manuel's still in the car. You had a good flight?"

While Juan answered her question, June looked at his sister. She was slender and just as good looking as her brothers. Even though she was the oldest, she looked younger than Mateo and was smaller than Juan. Her face was delicate, her smile very similar to that of her youngest brother. She had tied up her brown hair in a ponytail, although some tufts waved down in front of her ears.

The three of them left the airport. It didn't take long before a car pulled up next to them and they put the luggage in the trunk. Juan and June sat down on the back seat, and from the driver's seat a young man in his late twenties gave them a friendly look. With his blonde hair and goatee, blue eyes and stylish glasses he was different from the boys Juan used to hang out with, which made her feel a little more comfortable.

"Hey guys! Good to see you."

June smiled to the couple before her. "Nice to meet you too."

. . .

First they brought their stuff to Luna's apartment, then she took them to Manuel's house.

"The weather is good and there's a garden," Luna explained, "so we can barbecue tonight."

"Umm, June is a vegetarian. I should have told you that, sorry."

Luna aimed her glance at June. "Do you mind if we eat meat? I'll make sure there's enough veggie food for you."

"I don't mind," she answered quickly. "My family isn't vegetarian either."

Manuel's house was bigger than Luna's, with practical and cozy furnishings. "Have you finished your study?" June asked Manuel. She hadn't said much and she didn't want the others to think that she was too shy to talk.

"I graduated two years ago. I'm a real estate agent."

Even in the short time she knew him, she thought the job fitted him. He was a smooth talker and had a charming smile; she bet he was doing well in his branche.

While they moved themselves to the patio, Juan and June told the others about their future plans and June asked questions about Luna's study. She was studying medicines and found it a tough study, but she liked it.

As the time went by, June started to relax a bit more. Both Luna and Manuel were very friendly and she realized that Juan had been right when he had called his sister the nice part of his family.

* * *

The wood in the fire pit was cracking. Juan felt relaxed, caused by both the company and the few beers he drank. And by his well filled stomach. His sister and her boyfriend had gone big with the barbecue. It was cozy – and even though he was happy that June was with him, his thoughts often wandered to Mateo, who was sitting in his cell right now. Being here all together had even been better.

Because he didn't want to get upset again, he pressed his face into June's hair, inhaling the scent of her shampoo. One more hour and the smoke would have taken its place, but right now he could still enjoy the flowery smell. She was sitting on his lap and he had wrapped his arms around her. His sister and her boyfriend were sitting next to each other, holding hands. She looked happy, Juan thought, and he believed Manuel was a good guy.

He focused his attention back to the conversation. It was about making cocktails and when June admitted that she had never made or even tasted one, Manuel pulled her on her feet and promised her to give her a crash course.

A little hesitating June turned towards Juan. He pecked her lips. "Having a girl who knows how to make good cocktails can't be bad," he grinned. "I'm sure my friends suck at it."

The two walked to the house and Luna moved her chair next to his. For a while they both stared into the fire.

"You like him?" Luna asked.

"Manuel? Yeah, he's a good guy. Spontaneous."

Her lips formed a smile. "I bet Mat's gonna call him a slick."

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "He's got an opinion about everyone. He'll come around."

Luna fidgeted with the label of her beer bottle. "What does he think of June?"

"He wasn't a big fan of her in the beginning, but the other day he told me she was good for me." Skittishly, he peeked at his sister. "What do you think?"

"She's a real beauty. But not much of a talker. I'm sure she's very sweet and caring, I just wonder how Mateo and your friends are acting around her. She seems to be a vulnerable girl."

"They're still figurin' out how to deal with each other," he admitted. "But it's gettin' better. E's dating her best friend. Think it helps."

Surprised, Luna lifted her eyebrows. "E like Emilio? I thought he believed dating was for pussies."

"He says they're not datin'. But they're doin' cool stuff together. She's the opposite of June – with bright blue hair and some leopard spots in it. Until recently Emilio hated her." He told her how Jordy had helped him and that she had wanted a date with his friend in return.

"Having a girl who can keep him in line might be good for him," Luna said. "Maybe he'll finally stop behaving like a thirteen year old."

Juan smirked. "You've barely seen him since he was thirteen."

"But the few times I did told me enough."

He chuckled.

"I'll spend the nights here," Luna said after a while. She handed him a key. "If you're even a little like your brother, I won't get a wink of sleep when I'm in the room next to you."

While Juan took the key, he felt his cheeks glow. He knew all too well what she meant. "We uh... we haven't done it yet."

She laughed softly. "Then you're nothing like your brother."

An awkward silence fell. He couldn't remember he had ever talked about sex with his sister before, but he didn't know who else to ask it. There weren't many girls he hung out with. Only Riley and she had lost her virginity three years ago.

"How long umm – how long did you want to wait? For your first time?" He didn't dare to look at her. He just wanted to make love to his girl so badly and he just wanted to know what was normal for girls. "I mean, I guess you were in a relationship?"

"Donny and I didn't go second base," she said. "Gino and I did. I think – we had sex after three months or something? I was sixteen. Is she a virgin?"

He nodded. "Yeah... and she wants to wait. And I don't mind," he added quickly. "But sometimes... it's hard not to go further. I dunno, what if she wants to wait for years?"

Luna was silent for a while. "It's better not to focus on the things you can't do with her yet, but rather on the things you can. Especially with girls who are insecure it's better to take little steps."

Juan stared at the flames. "Everyone's askin' about it the whole time. If we have done it already. Sometimes I get the feelin' that I'm weird or somethin'. That it's strange to wait."

Luna sighed softly and turned a little more towards him. "I know you don't have the best examples at home; both mom and Mateo sleep with everything they can find. But trust me on this – it's perfectly normal if I girl wants to wait six months or a year. Especially when it's her first time. Try not to make a big thing of it; you'll get there. You'll know when she's ready." She winked. "And she's madly in love with you, she can't keep her eyes off you for longer than a minute. You two are a lovely couple. Very sweet." She grinned at him. "And I'm glad your taste differs from that of your brother."

He lifted the corner of his mouth. "You mean she's a girl wearing actual clothes?"

"Exactly. At least you picked one that understands the concept of getting dressed."

Juan laughed softly. Then his thoughts wandered off to Mateo again. He wondered if he would want a relationship before his thirties. If he would meet a girl he wanted to stay true to. It was hard to imagine, but at the same time there was nothing in the world he would want to trade June for. Would girls even be seriously interested in a guy who had been in jail at nineteen? Because he had assaulted his mother?

"How's Mat?" Luna asked in a low voice. "I considered to figure out if there's a way to call him, but something tells me he wouldn't want to talk to me anyway."

Juan knew she was right. The only reason Mateo wanted him to visit, was to reassure him. The last thing he wanted, was his older sister trying to reassure _him._ The relationship between those two had always been difficult; he hadn't been in a fight with his brother and sister often, it felt like they had always saved their anger for each other. A phone call would feel forced, he assumed Mateo wouldn't even take it.

"He's doing okay," he answered a little evasively. He was halfway his prison time now; he had three more weeks to go. Juan was still worried about him, but he wasn't in the mood to bring that up now.

Luckily, Manuel and June returned to them, both holding glasses in their hands. June gave him a cocktail and sat down on his lap again. With one hand he took the glass, his other arm he wrapped around her waist.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Uhm..." Seeking help, she looked at Manuel.

"Long Island," he answered. "But without gin, cause that bottle was empty."

Juan sipped the drink, letting it roll through his mouth. "Hmm, very nice." He kissed her jaw. "You like it too?"

He knew the times she had drank alcohol could be counted on one hand. If she however hadn't wanted it right now, he believed she would have told him.

When she pulled a face because of the high alcohol percentage, he sniggered. "Don't feel obliged to drink it when it's gross." With his chin, he leaned on her shoulder. "Luna will finish the rest."

"I do?" Questioning, Luna furrowed her brows.

"Yeah, you're two steps away from your bed anyway." He didn't plan on drinking much more himself; he didn't know if he could control himself otherwise, the moment June and he were lying in bed. The last thing he wanted, was ruining those days with her.

His phone distracted him. He gave his glass to June so she could put it on the table and pulled the device out of his pocket.

 _If I do it... What do I get in return?_

Frowning, he looked at the sender. Emilio. It took a minute before he realized what his friend was talking about.

"I have bet with Emilio," he said, wrapping his arms around June again while also looking at his sister and Manuel. "You know a good price? I already promised him a stripper once Mateo is out."

"What bet?" Luna asked.

"A bet he's gonna lose. I challenged him to take a girl to a lapdance workshop as a date. No fucking way he got the balls to do that. And even if he does, I'm sure he turns around the moment he realizes only girls and gays do that. For he has to be the dancing one," he smirked.

Luna started to laugh. "What an idiot. You really think he's gonna admit that he doesn't dare something? I know him a little..."

"He rather loses his honor by admitting he's too pussy to do something like that than by giving Jordy a lapdance in a room full of other people."

"Hmm. Let him show up in a dress at the first day of school," June suggested. He felt her stomach muscles shake when she started to laugh. That was reason enough to agree with her – hearing her laugh so freely was a rarity. It made the blood flow through his veins ten times faster.

"Well that can be fun," he admitted with a grin. "But if I'm wrong... I gotta wear a dress the first time we're a couple at school."

She leaned into his chest, chuckling. "I'll pick a pretty one for you."

He wrapped his arms tighter around her. "Yeah? You don't mind? I will survive one day in a dress, but I don't want you to feel ashamed of me."

She turned her head to the side and kissed him. "I will never feel ashamed for you, whatever you're wearing. You think he will really do a workshop like that?"

You never knew for sure with Emilio, but Juan couldn't imagine that he would join a lapdance workshop with other people around. He barely dared to go on the streets with her. "No," he said. He flipped open his phone again. "Although I do wonder what's gonna embarrass him more; giving Jordy a lapdance in public or wearing a dress to school."

"I don't care," June muttered. "It would be a great start of the year when people are laughing at him for once, instead of the other way around. Maybe he'll learn something from it."

Juan had his doubts. Emilio needed more than a bet alone to break his habit of being an ass.

 _If you do it, I wear a dress at our first day of school. If you're too chicken shit, you're gonna do it._

After a few seconds the screen lit up.

 _..._

 _Wtf?_

Smirking, Juan typed: _Already backing out?_

 _Hell no. You better start picking dresses. You're so tired of June you're gonna dress up like a drag queen?_

Juan decided to keep to himself that it had been her idea; he didn't want his friend to bother her again. _Just go to that workshop. And I want proof._

 _Then put on that pretty lil dress of yours and I'm gonna show ya what I learnt,_ he answered, ending the sentence with an emoji of a middle finger.

For a moment his mind was plagued with images he really didn't want to see, and he shook them off quickly. Without answering, he tucked away his phone, knowing the bet was on.

"So, that's settled." He picked up his glass and took a drink. Then he leaned back in his chair, feeling satisfied when June cuddled up to him and played with the fingers of his left hand. For a while they all looked at the fire, until they started to feel drowsy.

Manuel got up. "Come on kiddo's, I'll take you to Luna's apartment."

* * *

It was quiet in the apartment when June and Juan entered it. By touch, they started looking for the light switch.

"Is your sister spending the night at Manuel's?" June asked.

Juan nodded – he kept the reason to himself. Finally he had found the light switch and turned it on. The clock in the living room showed him it was past midnight.

"You wanna go to bed?" he asked. "Or do you wanna watch tv or somethin'?"

She yawned. "Sleeping sounds good."

They headed for the bedroom. Actually he had counted on sleeping on a mattress on the ground, but they could use Luna's bed now she was around't. The bedding smelled fresh when he sat down on the end of it. After putting on the night-lights he took off his shirt and pants and glanced at June, who bent over her suitcase and was probably looking for her nightie. When she held it in her hand, he got up and let his arms slip around her from behind, his chin resting on her shoulder.

"May I umm... may I undress you?"

The moment those words left his lips, he felt hot all over. Maybe he had drank a little more than he thought. He felt her tense, but it was hard to tell whether that was because she felt thrilled or because she didn't want him to do it.

"I mean umm... not taking everything off of course," he muttered. His heart was frantically pounding in his chest. Oh, he wanted to see her naked so badly...

"Okay." Her voice was a nervous whisper.

Juan didn't feel less nervous when he took the sides of her shirt and pulled it over her head. Brushing her long hair to the side, he kissed her shoulder. There were little freckles on her skin. When she inhaled sharply, he felt encouraged to explore the rest of her back with his lips. Pushing the strap of her bra to the side, he kissed the skin underneath it while his fingers wandered across spine. The other strap followed soon. His hands glided across her neck, over her shoulders up to her elbows and back. Her skin felt so warm, so smooth. Pressing a kiss to the vertebrae of her neck, he unhooked her bra and slipped the straps down her arms. With a small thud, the piece of cloth hit the ground.

His breathing sped up when his hands glided to the front. She crossed her arms in front of her chest as if she wanted to cover her nudity and he gave her some time to get used to the idea, even though he could barely wait to feel her breasts again. Instead, he unbuttoned her pants and lowered it down, his finger tips brushing the sides of the black panties she was wearing. It was nothing super hot, but nevertheless he felt more excited than he had ever done before. He wished he could pull her close to him, but he had a hell of a boner and he was afraid it would make her feel uncomfortable. Only very lightly, his erection touched her tailbone.

"You're so beautiful baby," he whispered. "So absolutely stunning."

She said nothing. Her arms were still crossed in front of her breasts and she stared at the ground. His heart sank when he saw her trembling fingers.

"Don't you want this?" he asked a little confused.

She kept staring at the floor. Gently, he turned her around. When he failed to catch her glance, he lifted her chin so she was forced to make eye contact. "What's wrong baby?"

She shrugged. "Nobody – nobody ever saw me like this." She still refused to look directly in his eyes.

He didn't know how to interpret those words. Did it mean that she neither wanted him to see her like this or was she just nervous?

"You're so beautiful honey. There's nobody I'd rather do this with than with you."

He heard her swallow. He laid his hands across hers, with which she was holding her shoulders. Cautiously, he loosened her fingers while looking at her. Slowly, she lowered her arms.

Fear was gleaming in her eyes, and he really didn't understand what she was so scared of. Did he give her the impression that she wasn't beautiful? Should he tell her more often that he loved her? His hands left her shoulders and glided down, hugging her breasts, his thumbs stroking her hard nipples. To help her relax a little he kissed her lips. Her mouth opened, and hesitantly she started to caress his chest.

For a while they kissed each other, until he felt her relax. Only then he pulled back a little and watched her upper body. Her breasts were large and round; the light from the night-lights made her skin glisten.

"They're so beautiful..." he whispered. He looked up to her face. "You are so fuckin' beautiful."

She blushed.

And then they kissed again while his hands were getting used to this new beauty. The kiss became intenser, her fingers stroked his back and she pulled him closer, so the warm skin of their stomachs was touching. His hands glided away from her breasts and cupped her butt cheeks, squeezing them. He wanted to feel her skin there too, but he knew that would be too much for her. Almost imperceptibly he led her to the bed. Without breaking the kiss she laid down on her back and he followed her as she crawled further on the mattress.

He lowered herself on top of her, making sure he didn't put too much weight on her. A sigh escaped his lips as he felt her skin against his. His fingers made their way up to her hair while his lips left her mouth, dotting kissing across he jaw. He kissed her neck and her shoulders, and from her belly button up to her midriff. Before he continued, he looked up, looking for approval in her eyes. Her lips were slightly parted, her eyes wide with expectation. With his thumb he brushed her bottom lip.

"You want me to continue?" His voice sounded weird, hoarser than usual. Flames were burning inside him. He wanted her so desperately that he could barely think anymore.

"I do," she whispered.

A pang of longing went through his abdomen. Bending his head again, he sucked her collarbone and moved his lips further down. With one hand he was kneading her breast while he was exploring the other with his lips. Gently, they touched her nipple. A new wave of heat came over him, and between his legs his erection was throbbing so intensely that he felt uncomfortable; he was even a little afraid that he would cum right away.

First he placed small kisses against her nipple, then his tongue swirled around it. Her breathing changed, sounded deeper. He felt her heart racing underneath his chin. Pushing up her breast with his hand, he laid his lips around her nipple. Softly he started to suck, a little harder every time.

He looked up to her, curious to see if she was watching him. She however had closer her eyes, her breathing sounded tense. When his tongue wet her nipple and he sucked her again, a soft moan slipped her lips.

The moment she heard it too, her eyes flung open and her face turned flaming red. "Sorry," she murmured. "I didn't want... I just..."

She remained silent. He raised himself a little, raking a hand through her hair. Gently, he pressed kisses to her bottom lip. "It sounded cute. And hot. You don't have to hold back around me baby. I love those sounds."

Her cheeks even reached a darker shade of red. She answered him with a kiss, by which his lips eventually ended around her other nipple. After making it so sensitive it evoked her a whimper, he descended further down, across her ribs and below her belly button, until he reached her panties. He could already smell the sweet scent of her excitement, making him feel light in the head. His fingertips were itching to touch between her legs, to feel how wet her panties were. He however remembered the convulsive way she had covered her breasts and he knew she shrunk back from completely exposing herself to him. And so he made his way back up, claiming every part of her great body that she did offer him.

When he reached her lips again, he rolled on his side and pulled her close. "I love you," he whispered. "I love you so fucking much."

She snuggled up to him, their bodies sticky because of the excitement and the silent longing for more.

"I love you too," she murmured. Her lips explored his collarbone. "So much."

He wrapped his arm tighter around her. The thought that he might ever lose her, caused a pang in his chest. He would do everything in his power to keep that from happening.

* * *

 **I know this chapter and the few before were a little slow, but I wanted to give them some happiness too. Hopping from dramatic event to dramatic event didn't feel very suiting for this story but I hope it's not getting boring !**


	59. Lapdance Lessons

_(Not_ _edited)_

 **THE PAST**

It was stupid. It was so unbelievably stupid to be in love with him. Not that she had a say in it; it wasn't her choice that her heart started to go wild the moment she saw him, or that her lips curled into a smile when she heard his voice. She could lie in the grass for hours, staring at the clouds and imagining about them being together.

Of course she knew that was never going to happen.

Even if he would develop feelings for her some day, he would tell no one. Being together with someone like her would bruise his image, and even though he was pretending he didn't care what people were thinking of him, his image was sacred to him.

And still – still that hope never disappeared completely.

Especially not when she received a text in which he asked her if she had something to do today. She had to read it five times before she had convinced herself that he was really the sender. They had seen each other just yesterday, when she had taken him to a monster truck rally. Actually it was an event she visited annually with her father, but he – to no one's surprise – lacked the time to spend time with his daughter. Instead, he had given her two tickets.

She had bit the bullet and asked Emilio to join her. Two days before they had played paintball and apparently he had enjoyed it enough to agree this time as well.

And now the initiative came from him. Only a day later. She had never expected it, but maybe something was really changing between them. If it was only about the activities they were doing, he wouldn't have sent her a text now, right?

She tried to stay cool; it didn't have to mean anything. Juan and June were still out of town and she had a feeling that he didn't know with who else to hang out. She had already discovered that he had a lot of friends, but Juan was the only one with who he spent one-on-one time and that knowledge only called up more butterflies inside her stomach.

 _I got no plans for today. You wanna go_ _somewhere_ _?_

 _As long as I can leave this_ _place_ _,_ he sent back. _Ma's_ _naggin_ _that I have to clean up my room if I'm bored and its too fucking hot to do that._

 _Come to my_ _place_ _. I'm home alone and we got a pool. And cold beer._

Inviting him over might be too much for him, but Jordy had done so with everyone she liked. Their garden was large and beautiful and super chill when the weather was good, but when she was alone it was just boring.

 _Kay. Where do you live?_

She gave him the address and went upstairs to change clothes. Since Emilio had made various comments about her skinniness and small cup, she felt a little insecure when she put on her bikini. She however refused to let him stop her wearing the things she liked. If he wanted to see well filled bikini tops he would have gone to the beach. Still, she put on a pink and light blue dress with white bats in case they wouldn't go swimming at all.

Going downstairs, she put on the stereo system to create a nice atmosphere. It didn't take long before she heard the gravel crunch underneath the tires. She walked towards the garden gate and opened it.

"Hey." He nodded towards her.

Although Jordy wanted to hug him like she hugged all her friends, she didn't do it. The look on his face was telling her that he wasn't sure what he was doing here, regretting the text he had sent her.

"Damn you're such a rich bitch," he said, aiming his eyes at the roofed terrace and bar bordering the swimming pool. "This is a chill place man."

"You sayin' you never heard about my famous pool parties?"

"Nope."

Well, she had to admit it were mainly girls that were coming over and it had never been very wild. Her closest friends weren't the biggest party animals she'd ever seen and most of them were even afraid of guys. But hey, maybe things would change now June and Juan were dating.

"Well, then you've missed some good shit," she winked. She walked with him to the porch, handing him a beer. Hopefully he would stay a little longer, so one alcoholic drink wouldn't hurt.

Popping off the cap of the bottle, he sat down on the edge of the swimming pool, his legs in the water. Jordy dropped down next to him, looking at him from the corner of her eye. Every time they saw each other, they needed to break the ice again. She gave him some time to relax a little; he still didn't seem to know how to act around her. She hoped that there would be a day on which he didn't have to think about it; that he dared to be himself around her. Whoever the real Emilio was, was still a mystery to her. And also to himself, she thought.

"What do you parents do if they're makin' these tons of money?"

"They're both surgeons. My dad's a trauma surgeon, my mom's a brain surgeon." She moved her feet through the water while she looked at the nails she had painted this morning; all in a different color. "They both work out of town. After major surgeries they often stay in a hotel close to the hospitals – or at least that's what they tell me." She laughed a little bitterly; the truth was that she wouldn't be surprised if both were having an affaire. "They're no direct colleagues, they met in med school."

Emilio lit a cigarette. "You wanna become a surgeon too?"

His question surprised her. This was the first time he was interested in her. "I'm not sure what I wanna do, but not anything in healthcare. I wanna travel, be in the open air. Maybe I'm gonna be the next Indiana Jones." She smirked. Barging through the jungle, looking for treasures... yeah that sounded good. "I hate routine. I can't see myself doing the same thing day after day. What about you?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea."

"And your parents?"

"Ma's workin' in kindergarten, dad is team captain in a warehouse for car parts." He let out a puff of smoke. "Workin' on cars sounds cool. But my cousin is doin' that and his back is already fucked up, so I'm not sure I want that." He took a drink from his beer. "I'll see."

Jordy nodded. "Yeah, we got time."

A silence fell when they were finishing their beers. Jordy didn't mind; she listened to the music and felt relaxed. Emilio however stared forward. She wondered if there was something on his mind, but she knew he would clam up the moment she would ask.

"Wanna go for a swim?" she asked when he put his bottle on the ground.

He seemed to startle when she pulled him out of his thoughts, and he nodded. "Yeah, okay."

Jordy got up and pulled her dress over her head, then she dived into the water. Turning around, she watched him taking off his shirt. The sight of his tight stomach made the flames flare up inside her. Especially when he jumped into the water and the drops were gliding down his chest, her mouth became dry. Quickly, she put her head under water to cool down.

For a while they enjoyed themselves in the water. He made no hurtful comments about her skinny body and again the hope that he might start to like her blossomed up. She took a volleyball from a box next to the pool and they started to play catch. Every time it took longer before he threw back the ball because he was spinning it on his fingertip. She thought to detect a challenging look in his eyes, making her swim towards him, trying to snap the ball.

She laughed, he chuckled while trying to keep the ball away from her, keeping her at distance with one arm. When she finally succeeded in capturing the ball, she tried to keep it away from him. Hiding the ball between her back and the pool side, she felt her breathing fall heavier when he came to stand very close to her. She could feel the heat radiating from his skin. Their eyes met and for a moment she held her breath. His hands glided to her sides – he pulled her close and tapped the ball from behind her. Laughing, he fell back into the water, the ball in his arms.

His laughter called up all sorts of warm feelings inside her, causing a blush on her cheeks. The spot where he'd touched her, seemed to glow.

As he turned away from her, she forgot about her hesitation and climbed on his back, her arms wrapped around his neck while trying to steal the ball. His back felt wonderful against her stomach.

This had to be a dream, right?

He dived under water, wrestling away from her embrace. When he popped up, there was still a playful look in his eyes – he clearly wasn't annoyed. Jordy had caught the ball again, but before she could do anything with it he grabbed her arm and turned her towards him, so their upper bodies were touching.

They were of the same height. His wet hair stuck to his face, drops found their way between the stubble on his jaws. Damn, he was so handsome... Trying to free herself didn't even cross her mind. For a couple of minutes they just stared at each other. Slowly, his glance glided to her lips.

Jordy felt so nervous she didn't dare to move. Would he kiss her? For a moment she was convinced that his face was coming closer, then he fell backwards in the water.

She splashed down as well, hoping to cool off a bit.

Five minutes later he had hoisted himself on the side of the pool and didn't make a move to leave, so she left the pool as well, spreading a beach towel across the grass. Whether he wanted to hang out a little longer or rather wanted to go home, was up to him. She already felt confused herself; she dared to admit that his head was even more chaotic.

He was still sitting on the edge of the pool, smoking a cigarette. She laid down on her back and closed her eyes, letting the sun dry her. She was already dozing off when he flopped down next to her.

She looked up. Pensively, he stared at her.

Questioning, she raised her eyebrows – if there was a problem he just had to tell her.

"I have a bet with Juan," he said all of a sudden.

It wasn't the first time he brought up his friend – apparently he missed him a lot.

"He thinks I'm too chicken to take you to a lapdance workshop."

His words were so out of the blue that she started to laugh. "How the hell was that deal made?"

Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "Long story. I thought – can't you just tell him that I took you there?"

She chuckled. "Nah, that bet is too hilarious to cheat. If you wanna win, you shouldn't fake it."

He narrowed his eyes, his jaw tensed.

So that was the real reason he was here. Because of a bet with his friend. Although it disappointed her, she decided not to give in to her hurt feelings. It was better to benefit from the situation. "Did he also tell you who should give you that workshop?"

"No," he muttered. "Why?"

Innocently, she shrugged her shoulders. "I can be your teacher." She smirked. "I did a striptease course a while ago – six lessons. Just for fun."

"You did a striptease course?" He stared at her with wide eyes, clearly not sure if he should believe her or not.

"Yeah, gained some experience with the stripper pole too, in case you want to learn that art as well." She smirked. "Once I have a boyfriend, I need something to entertain him, right? I already told you that a night with me is anything but boring."

He rolled his eyes. Maybe it was just her imagination, but it looked less mocking than last time, as if she had stimulated his curiosity this time.

"So... I give you a lapdance, you give me one and then we tell Juan that we've been to a workshop."

"You're fucking serious?"

She shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, why not? You chicken?"

"I don't want a lapdance from you," he grumbled.

"So too chicken. Why am I not surprised?" She smirked. "You're afraid I'm gonna get you excited?"

"As if that would ever happen," he huffed.

"Prove me wrong."

For a few seconds he glared at her, his face just as moody as the day she had told him Juan had promised her a date.

"What have you got to lose?" she asked. "Worst case scenario is that I'm boring you. Then what? What's the inlay anyway?"

"The loser has to wear a fucking dress on the first day of school."

Jordy started to laugh, causing him to narrow his eyes. "Oh, then forget about it. I rather see you in a dress than that I'd get a lapdance from you."

He was still glaring at her. In the end, he looked away from her. "Fine," he grumbled. "You give me that stupid lapdance and tell Juan that we've been to that workshop. Deal?"

"Nah. It's about you givin' a lapdance." She leaned back, supporting herself with her hands in the grass. "Look, it's simple. You're fucked anyway. You're gonna humiliate yourself in front of the whole school by wearing a dress, or I'm the only one around when you're doing that little dance of yours. C'mon man, it can be fun. Don't make such a big deal out of it." She bumped her foot against his.

Immediately he pulled away his foot. Great. He was back in his _I'm afraid of an_ _infectious_ _disease_ -mode.

"Fine," he grumbled eventually. "One dance. And nobody's gonna know."

She grinned. "You really think Juan isn't going to explain why he's wearing a dress?"

With a sigh he had to agree with her. "Now, let's get over with it. What do I have to do?"

"At first not that much. Come." She stood up and pulled him on his feet. On the terrace she picked a chair without armrests and pushed him on it. At the music installation she looked for a suited song; in the end she chose _You_ _Shook_ _Me All Night Long_ from AC/DC.

She put on her dress and started to dance. His tense face was hilarious, making her own trepidation disappear. Whatever would happen, there was no way she would feel more awkward than he.

Dancing she moved closer to him, circling around his chair until she stood behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders. They were so tensed she almost felt sorry for him.

She leaned into him and whispered: "Relax man. You look like you're about to lose your virginity."

He looked over his shoulder, casting her a dark glance. Laughing, she blew a kiss towards him, circling around him, swinging her hips while her hands traveled across her breasts down to her hips. When the chorus started, she pushed his legs apart and rubbed his crotch with her ass. A moment later she stood straight again, turning towards him.

His cheeks were rosy, encouraging her to sit down on his lap. Laying a hand against his cheek she forced him to look at her, her thumb stroking his bottom lip. Gently biting her own lip, she explored his chest with her hand. Slowly, she grind her waist along his.

Initially she had wanted to stop after this, learning him step by step how to do it himself, but when he suddenly grabbed her hips she didn't even think about stopping anymore. Her fingers played with his hair while she pushed back her shoulders, making her breasts come to the front, moving her upper body in a sensual way.

Slowly she started to move her pelvis. It wasn't his deeper breathing alone that told her how excited he was; she could also feel his hard length. There were pangs of lust in her stomach; she wanted to take their swimming clothes off and feel him directly on her skin. When she grind across his erection again he moaned, and in a whim she dipped her head and kissed the crook of his neck. His hands glided to the small of her back, pulling her closer.

She looked up to him. His eyes were dark with lust, his breathing was heavy. She felt his own movements responding to hers; he was enjoying this just as much as she was. For a short moment they looked each other in the eye, like they had done in the water.

 _Fuck it,_ she thought.

If he didn't dare to do it, she would. Her hand glided to the back of his head and she pressed her lips against his.

It didn't go as she had hoped.

As if he was hit by lightning, he jumped up and pushed her away. She stumbled backwards and fell on the ground, her legs scraping across the tiles.

"What the fuck are you doing, you stupid bitch," he grumbled, wiping his mouth. "Are you a fucking whore?" He spit at her feet.

Jordy tried to ignore her hurt feelings and got on her feet. "That lapdance was your idea. What the hell did you expect? A game of musical chair?"

"I didn't expect you to kiss me! What the hell man!"

"Oh come on! I felt how excited you were." She nodded to his swimsuit. "Your dick is still fucking hard. You liked it. You got no problem with me grinding against you, so why the hell is a kiss freaking you out?"

"I was just pretending that you were a random hot chick. How the hell would I survive this otherwise without throwing up my guts? Don't you ever dare to kiss me again, you filthy whore."

"Jeez, get over yourself man," she answered annoyed. "You don't have to be such a dick now. How was I supposed to know that you'd make such a big deal out of this. It's just a kiss."

" _Everyone_ would make a big deal out of this! A stripper is supposed to be hot and you're just an ugly clown." He glared at her. "No wonder you needed a class like that; it's the only way to get on a guy's lap. I'm just fucking dumb for even considering to have your ugly ass on my lap, all because of a motherfucking bet."

Jordy snorted. "Agreeing with a bet like that is fucking stupid anyway if you knew from the start that you didn't want it. Were you afraid again that Juan would call you a pussy? It's a little weird that you care so much about his opinion, huh?"

Suddenly he grabbed her chin, his eyes were shooting daggers. "What the fuck does that mean?"

Jordy didn't look away. "I think Juan's opinion is little _too_ important to you. You got a little crush on him, huh? Is that the reason you're such a dick towards June? Little jealous, huh?"

"Don't be such a fucking idiot," he growled. He pushed her backwards, his eyes were still flaming. "But trust me on this; I'd rather fall in love with him than with you, you ugly bitch."

After these words he gave her another hard push, making her stumble and fall into the pool.

It was so unexpected that she panicked for a moment when the water was surrounding her. Gasping for air she reached the surface again. She could just hear how the garden gate slammed shut.

Jordy wrapped her arms around her wet dress, she felt ice cold. Tears were stinging in her eyes.

 _I should have_ _known_ _._

She was so stupid – so fucking stupid.


	60. Emotional Friends

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PAST**

"I can't believe I'm crying over it _again."_ With her wrist, Jordy wiped her eyes. "I knew damn well something like this would happen."

June was sitting next to her on the bed, rubbing her back. She had also been afraid that Emilio would hurt her friend and she couldn't think of any word to cheer her up. She had returned from her trip with Juan this evening and it didn't take long before Jordy had told her what had happened yesterday.

"I know you're not a quitter." With a soft voice she tried to reason with her friend. "But maybe it's time to accept that he doesn't like you. You did everything you could, you've shown him more than once that you're interested in hem. If he doesn't want you... well, there's no point in pushing him."

Jordy bent her head, causing her blue hair to fall in front of her face. "I really thought that something had changed between us. I mean – we had our fun during our dates and he was the one who wanted to hang out yesterday. Probably only because of that stupid bet, but still... He could have sent me a text too."

June took Jordy's hand in hers and squeezed. "I think you both had different expectations. You were hoping for something romantic, while Emilio thought the two of you were heading towards a friendship. I'm sure he likes you more than he did a few weeks ago, but that doesn't mean that he will fall in love with you. And if your feelings don't go away... well maybe becoming friends isn't the smartest thing to do."

Jordy lifted her shoulders. "Somehow I hoped that he didn't dare to admit his true feelings. Because I'm not... well, you know, one of those popular bitches. And I thought, once we would have kissed... that he might want to take his chances. I mean – Juan doesn't mind that you're not a cheerleader, and maybe I just hoped that your relationship would lower the threshold for us."

Pensively, June looked to the side. "I know how close they are... but they are very different."

Jordy let out a sarcastic laugh. "No shit."

June pulled on a metal charm of her bracelet. "When did those feelings start? Before you knew about Juan and me?"

"I don't know," she sighed. "I always thought he was hot. Both of 'em. But maybe I really started to hope for something more once I knew that Juan was in love with you. You know me, usually I'm head over heels with ten guys at the same time. But since a few weeks he's the only one I can think about."

June was quiet for a while. She didn't know what else she could say. Emilio was a bully, she just didn't understand what Jordy liked about him. She honestly disliked him so much that she couldn't even find him handsome.

"Enough about me," Jordy said with a slight smirk. "We had a few days of fun, I thought. It's his loss if he rather hangs out with other people. But tell me! How was your trip? How was Juan's sister?"

"She was really sweet. We went shopping one afternoon when the guys were playing soccer. She said she thought that we make a great couple."

"Of course she thought! Who doesn't? Everything went well between you two, those few days together? It's always thrilling... the first days away from everyone else."

With a blush on her cheeks she nodded.

Jordy flashed her a wide grin at the sight of her red face. "Something exciting happened?"

June bit her lip, looking shyly at her friend. "He uhmm... the first night he asked me if he could undress me. Not completely but – well, you know. He was so gentle and patient. He caressed my breasts. And he – and he kissed them." Her own words made her flinch a little.

Jordy was always so open about her sexual experiences that it felt natural to do the same, even though it was new to her. But she knew there was nothing she needed to be ashamed of around her friend.

Jordy smiled. "You liked it?"

With a dry throat she nodded. "Yeah. It uh – it felt amazing."

"And he didn't try to push for more this time?"

"No, he's very careful."

Jordy gave her a hug and leaned with her head against June's shoulder. "I'm so happy for you. That things are going so well between you two. You both have a lot on your mind, but you really are a strong couple."

"I hope so," she answered softly. "I hope everything stays this way once we go back to school and have our own groups of friends..."

"Hmm, yeah..." Jordy studied her face. "I wonder how Beth will react."

June sighed. "I rather don't think about that. As soon as she's home, I'm going to tell her that we're together. Hopefully she won't be too mad."

"And if she does, it's her problem," Jordy huffed. "You love him and he loves you. She got no choice but to accept that."

June nodded silently.

"Junie..."

She looked to the side when she heard Jordy's stern voice.

"Whatever she's going to tell you – you're not going to give up Juan, will you?"

"No," she muttered. "Of course not. He means a lot to me."

But that didn't mean that she wasn't dreading the conversation.

* * *

June took a deep breath before she rang the doorbell. Both Jordy and Juan had offered to go with her, but she was sure Beth wouldn't even let her speak once she saw Juan and her together, and taking Jordy with her had neither sounded like a smart idea. Her friend would obviously pick June's side and she didn't want Beth to feel attacked.

Moreover, this was something between Beth and her. _She_ had chosen to be with Juan, so it was up to her to tell her friend the news.

Nevertheless her hands felt clammy and her heart was pounding so heavily in her chest that it hurt. Reflecting on their past conversations about Juan, she couldn't see this end well. But she had to try.

The door swung open.

"Hello June." Beth's mom gave her a forced smile. It made June feel small; it felt like the woman could look right into her head and concluded that she was about to betray her daughter.

She shook off the discomfort. Long before Beth and she had been disagreeing with each other, Beth's mother had scared her. She always looked so severe, as if she could become angry any moment.

"Hello, ma'me," she answered politely. "I heard Beth came home yesterday. Is she around?"

The woman nodded shortly. "She's in her room."

By taking a step to the side, she let June in. Crossing the hall, she made her way to the stairs. The walls were empty; the whole house felt impersonal, as if they had removed every memory about their deceased daughter.

The stairs creaked as June went upstairs. She felt like an intruder and wished the woman had called for Beth. She knocked on the door.

"Beth?" she asked quietly.

It didn't take long before the door was opened.

"Hey!" To her surprise, Beth pulled her into a warm embrace.

June relaxed a little, apparently the holidays had done her well. Things were strained between them for such a long time that she couldn't even remember the last time they had held each other like this.

"You enjoyed your vacation?" June asked as she moved further into the room and sat down on a beanbag.

Beth told her enthusiastically about her time with her family and it didn't take long before June understood why she looked much happier than during the past months; she had met a girl with whom she was in a relationship now.

"I'm so happy for you!" June showed her a genuine smile.

"How were your holidays?" Beth asked.

"I enjoyed them. Uhm... I have a boyfriend too."

"You do! That's awesome!"

Her shining smile made June suspect that she was happy that she had forgotten about Juan.

"Yeah uhm... It's Juan. We're together since the beginning of the holidays."

A deadly silence followed her words. Nervously she laced her fingers, looking at her friend skittishly.

The joy disappeared from Beth's face immediately. Wildly, she shook her head. "This is unbelievable! What a dick move! I'm away for a few weeks and you jump in bed with that asshole the moment you can?!"

June took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. Giving in to her anger wouldn't lead them anywhere. "He's not an asshole. He's sweet and –"

" _Please._ I really don't wanna hear it."

June heaved a sigh and shrugged her shoulders. Whatever.

"So this is it? You're sacrificing our friendship for _him_?" The look in her eyes was ice cold.

"I don't want to sacrifice anything. I get it that you don't like each other, okay? I neither like his best friend, and the other way around, but that doesn't mean that he has to ditch his friend? I just want to be honest with you, Beth. He makes me happy and I love him. Things are going very well between us and I'm not going to break up with him because you hate his brother. I'm sorry. I don't want to give up on our friendship, but if your hatred for Mateo is more important than our friendship then I have no choice but to accept that."

Beth's lips were a straight line. She was quiet for a while, now June had reversed the roles; leaving the decision to her friend.

"One day you will wish that you would have listened to me," she said. "You'll see that I was right and that he is just as sick as his brother. But fine; if you're so keen on breaking your own heart you go ahead."

June exhaled quietly. She wouldn't get closer to an acceptation. "Thank you," she said. "For giving me room to make my own decisions."

Beth rolled her eyes.

June doubted. Was it better to leave now? She felt bad for destroying Beth's mood.

"Let's just not talk about him, okay? Tell me about Cynthia, you got a picture of her?"

Beth gave her a suspicious look, there after her anger seemed to fade and she looked for a picture on her phone. It was a pretty girl, a little older than them, with brown hair and a freckled face. She had a shining smile, and secretly June hoped she would share some of her joy with Beth. "She looks really nice!"

"We plan to cam to night. I can ask Jor and Shawna to come over as well? Then you can all meet her. It will take two more weeks before she's coming over to Queens. And I'd like to have an old school girl's night."

June felt sorry for having to destroy her good mood again. "I have already plans for tonight. But I can be here tomorrow night?"

Beth's face grew gloomy. "You mean you have a fuck date with your boyfriend?"

"No but his brother..." She swallowed the rest. Bringing up Mateo's name wouldn't exactly help her. It however was already too late.

"Well? What about his brother? He prohibits you from going to other people after 7? Is he afraid that you will hurt his baby brother by f..."

June decided to just tell her the truth. Soon she would discover what had happened anyway; she had no doubt that Mateo's arrest would be a hot topic once they were back in school.

"He's released from prison today," she answered. "After six weeks. I promised Juan to come to his house for some sort of... small welcome home party."

Beth stared at her. "You're fucking serious? You now even pick _Mateo_ over me?! The rapist of my sister, the..."

"I'm not picking anyone over anybody!"

"And you're even _celebrating_ his release?" she continued, deaf to June's words. "You know he belongs behind bars! He should have been sent inside a long time ago after what he did to Katie! You're such a disgusting bitch, throwing this right into my face!"

June stared at her, completely bewildered. If anything, she'd thought it was for the best to be honest, that...

She didn't see it coming. Suddenly Beth grabbed the collar of her shirt, dragged her on her feet and lashed out to her face.

Pain shot through her cheekbone and she stumbled to the side. She fell; her back hit the edge of the bed and she screamed in pain.

It didn't make Beth come to her senses.

"Who would've thought? Sweet June who never hurts a fly... is now Ortiz's whore. Well I hope that asshole of a brother of him will rape you and that nobody will believe you!"

Yanking her hair, Beth pulled her on her feet again. She snorted, an insane look in her eyes. June couldn't move. Images flashed before her eyes; images of Juan's kitchen, where Mateo was slamming his mother's head against the sink. All the blood, all the screams, Juan's cries...

She bent over when Beth grabbed her shoulders, pushed her down and kneed her in the stomach.

"Let's see if you still think that he's so innocent after you have cut your own wrists because of him!"

"Beth stop," she muttered. "Please." She tried to ward off her blows with her arms, but Beth was doing kickboxing for years and there was nothing June could do to defend herself.

She dropped down on the ground, curling herself up into a ball. Her whole body was aching and she tasted blood. How long she kept lying there, she didn't know.

When she finally got up, there was no one around. She staggered downstairs, pressing her hand to her stinging belly. The room was spinning around her.

Once she was downstairs, she caught a glimpse of Beth's mother. The woman however turned her back to her, undoubtedly agreeing with her daughter's actions.

After leaving the house, she dropped down on the ground, her back against the wall. She felt sick. She couldn't keep her right eye open and it was impossible to stop the tears, even though crying hurt her even more. How could she get home? She didn't want Juan to see her like this, who knows what he would do to Beth. Moreover, he had to pick up Mateo. With shaking, bruised fingers she pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Jordy. She didn't answer. For a moment she considered to call Shawna, but her friend lacked a driver's license.

That were all the friends she had.

She scrolled through the short list of numbers and pressed Riley's name. Of Juan's friends, she liked Riley the most and one time they had even gone to the pool bar without the guys.

"Hey June," she heard after a while.

"Hey," she said in a gravelly voice. "I – someone beat me up and I – I can't get a hold of Juan and Jordy."

The girl cursed. "Where are you?"

June summed up the street name, then she stumbled out of Beth's front yard. After a few steps she leaned up against a lamppost. It felt like Beth had hit her with a baseball bat instead of her fists.

She barely noticed when a car was pulled to the side of the road and someone helped her into the vehicle. Riley asked questions, but June couldn't answer. In the end she just closed her eyes.

Only when she heard the world 'hospital' she opened her eyes again. "No," she muttered. "No, I don't need to go to the hospital. It's just some bruises."

She realized they were standing on the side of the road. Riley had placed her hand on June's knee. "What happened, June? Who attacked you and why? Did they rob you?"

June sobbed quietly. Every time she sniffed, pain shot through her skull. She heard herself mumble some things, thought to hear the mentioning of Beth's name, even though she didn't want to tell her anything.

"Gonna take you home, so you can recover a bit.'

* * *

After half an hour, June was lying on the couch in Riley's house. Patches were covering the largest wounds and she had cleaned her face and arms. The girl had given her some painkillers as well.

"You feel a little better?" Riley asked. She sat down next to her, stroking her hair.

Whimpering, June sat up straight. By reflex, she touched her sore ribs. "Yeah," she moaned. "Yeah I'm okay."

She didn't want to go home, she didn't want her mother and sisters to see her like this. But she couldn't stay here either.

"Come on, I'll take you home so you can go to bed."

June nodded absentmindedly.

* * *

Only when the ride came to an end, she realized that Riley hadn't taken her to her own house, but to Juan's. Panicking, she looked at the girl. "No... I don't want... I don't want him to see me now."

"He's your boyfriend, June. You can't hide this from him. You're assaulted by someone who used to be your friend. Juan is my friend too, I'm not covering this up. I'm sorry."

June didn't want it, but she felt too weak to raise protests and she shuffled with the girl to the front door. Right through the door she could hear the laughter of the boys. There was a nasty sting in her stomach at the thought that not only Juan was inside the house.

The door was opened. For a moment she caught a glimpse of a smiling face, then the smile froze on his face.

"June?" His voice cracked. "Baby what happened to you?"

His embrace hurt, but she didn't want it to end. Quietly she cried while he led her further into the house and pulled her on the couch, holding her tight.

There was a deep silence.

She pressed her face against his chest when he examined the wounds on her arms, but it didn't take long before he lifted her face. His eyes were filled with rage.

"Who did this?"

"Just some guys on the street," she mumbled. "It's nothing."

"It's nothing?!" he snapped. "Did you look into the mirror?!"

She felt a hand on her knee. It wasn't Juan's; when she looked to the side she saw that Mateo had crouched down and studied her face.

She read no worry in his eyes; it rather felt like he was mentally forcing her to tell the real story. She tore her glance away.

"Was it Beth?" Juan asked. He looked past her, to Riley. "June was it Beth?"

"That fucking bitch." With a grunt, Mateo got up. "She's just as insane as her sister." He rushed towards the front door.

"What are you goin' to do?" Juan asked.

"What do you _think_ I'm goin' to do? I'm gonna make damn sure that she doesn't lay a finger on your girl again – nobody will ever touch her again."

"Wait!" Juan jumped up. "You really think you're the only one who wants to teach her a lesson? June is _my_ girl!"

Mateo returned to the doorway, giving him a pensive look. "You're right. But I'm going with ya, in case you're turnin' into a pussy like last time."

June flinched. She didn't want any of this, but it was damn hard to talk. "You will only make things worse. Just... forget about it. Our friendship is over. You just came back from prison!" Desperately, she looked at Mateo.

He returned to the living room and crouched down in front of her. The look in his brown eyes was intense. "You're family, June. And nobody hurts my family. If they're gonna send me back in because I'm protecting the ones I care about, I can't care less. But no one's hurtin' you and gettin' away with it."

She had never expected to hear something so sweet coming from Mateo, but she shook her head nevertheless. "You don't get it. Our fight was about you. She got angry because I'd planned to go here tonight, instead of staying with her. If you go to her now, she'll think I sent you and I don't – I don't want the whole school to think that I'm one of those people who... Who sends someone after a friend after a fight, someone who... who..."

"Who's a criminal," he answered brusque.

She bent her head.

"Fine. Then we'll go without you."

Emilio's sudden intervention stunned her even more than Mateo's words. Now he _also_ wanted to go after Beth?

"No," she insisted. "Just let it go. Violence won't solve anything."

Juan's fingertips stroked across her bruised fingers. "You want me to do nothing? You're beaten up, June. This isn't just an angry swipe." He stood up. "Doin' nothing ain't gonna solve this either." Leaning into her, he kissed her forehead. "I can't pretend this never happened. I'm sorry. That's not me."

She saw he meant it – that he felt sorry for not listening to her. He must believe that his honor was violated if he didn't answer this. He looked at his friend and motioned with his head to the door.

June got up. "Juan... please don't do this! You will only make things worse!"

He didn't listen, and the door blew shut.

She wanted to go after him, but her legs felt weak and she fell. Mateo caught her.

"This ain't your business," he said. "You shouldn't worry, I think you got a concussion."

She whined when he lifted her up, pressing his fingers against one of the many bruises. He didn't shrink and carried her to Juan's bedroom.

Cautiously he laid her down on the bed, pulling the blanket over her. Laying his hand against her cheek, he looked her in the eye. "We got this. Try to get some sleep."

He laid a kiss on her forehead, got up and lowered the roller blinds. Then he left the room, closing the door behind him.

June squeezed her eyes. Tears rolled down as the fear spread across her body.

What on earth would they do to Beth? Why couldn't they see they were only making things worse? They should have respected her wish.


	61. Partners in Crime

_(Not edited)_

THE PAST

Juan couldn't remember he had ever felt so much anger. His heart was pumping a burning rage through his veins and he had no idea what to do with it. Everything just seemed to pile up in his head, creating a headache that was killing him.

Someone nudged his arm.

Something inside him snapped and he lashed out with his elbow.

"Ow! What the fuck man?!"

All he could see was some dark fog, revealing parts of June's face. Her split lip, her swollen eye. The purple bruises on her cheekbone, the blood clot above her left eyebrow.

Slowly, the fog was lifting and Juan returned to the car in which he was apparently sitting. Emilio had grabbed his arm and pushed it down, with his other hand he rubbed his upper arm where Juan must have hit him. Angrily, his friend glared at him.

"Sorry," Juan muttered. "I just... I didn't know where I was."

"Yeah I noticed that. You were almost hyperventilating."

Juan bent his head. He hated it when that happened; whether he was angry, anxious or stressed. It happened since he was a little kid and both Mateo and Emilio knew how to deal with it, but every time shame invaded his body because he wasn't in control of his mind.

"Can I let go of your arm? That your lover has shiner now, doesn't make it a good fashion trend for the new school year." With an angry frown Juan stared at his friend, who innocently shrugged his shoulders and smirked. Then his face became serious again. "She's inside, okay? She's safe. Nobody can hurt her."

Juan in and exhaled deeply. "Yeah," he muttered. "Okay."

He felt awful about it. What kind of worthless boyfriend was he? That time with Rodey he had been too late, at his house she had been more of help to him than the other way around and this time he hadn't been able to keep it from happening either. He couldn't protect his girl, all he did was cleaning up the mess afterwards. After she was hurt.

"Where does she live?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders. The guilt that was washing over him, made it hard to think. He was so fucking dumb. He should have seen this coming; he had always known that Beth was a crazy bitch and still he had allowed June to go to her friend alone, _knowing_ she would tell her about him. He didn't deserve her, again she had suffered a trauma because of him and –

"Hey." Emilio grabbed his chin, turning his head to the side. He had never done that before; apparently he hadn't forgotten about the time Juan had done it to him after the paintball game. His dark eyes pierced in his, reminding him of his brother. "Stay with me. That creepy look in your eyes is freakin' me out man, looks like you're gonna pass out any moment."

Juan felt his cheeks burn with shame. As if the heat was burning Emilio's fingers, he pulled back his hand and quickly turned his head away, as if he didn't want to show his friend that he found him a real pussy right now.

With a bent head Juan stared at his knees while they were sitting next to each other in an awkward silence for the first time in their lives. In the end it was Emilio who broke the silence, muttering that he would ask Mat for Beth's address. His friend still avoided his glance, which worsened Juans anxiety. He had to get his act together again, his behavior was ridiculous.

"Okay, I got the address." Emilio slipped the key in the contact and turned it around, turned on the CD player and laid his hand against the headrest of Juan's seat while looking over his shoulder and slowly rolling back, away from the driveway of his parent's house. After putting the shifter into first gear, Emilio glanced hesitantly at him. He lifted the corner of his mouth in what looked like a nervous smile. "You feel better now?"

"Yeah," Juan muttered, although there was still a nasty feeling in his stomach. He hated the fact that he was acting like such an idiot that he even made _Emilio_ feel nervous. What was going on in his mind? Was he afraid that Juan would hurt him? He had been very close to hitting him in the face, it wasn't that far-fetched. The thought that he might just be as crazy as Beth, made him feel sick.

"You do? Cause it doesn't look like it bro. What the hell's going on man?"

"I'm sorry. For lashing out. I almost hit your face."

"So? You gave me a shiner before." Smirking, he picked up speed.

"Yeah but never without a good reason," he muttered. Sighing, he leaned back in the seat. Now the car was moving, he felt a little more relaxed. "It feels fucked up that I want to go after Beth while I..." He sighed again.

"You were having a panic attack – or whatever it was. I startled you, you didn't want to hurt me. And Beth clearly wanted to hurt June." Emilio nudged his shoulder. "Come on man, don't let that sick bitch drive you crazy. You're nothing alike her."

Juan nodded slowly and took a deep breathe. "Thanks. For having my back with this."

"Sure man." Emilio slowed down and made a left turn. "Whoever touches you, touches me."

Juan leaned against the head rest of the seat, his lips bending into a weak smile. He knew he was lucky with a friend like Emilio and he had the feeling he was failing as a friend himself now he was together with June and had to divide his time between the two.

* * *

"Your brother said it's that house." Emilio pointed at a building in the middle of the row. A path of pinkish red tiles was leading to the front door, flanked by knee-high bushes. "He told me he was gonna check if they were still livin' there, but I haven't heard from him again so I guess they do. So, what's the plan? We can't just ring the bell, ask Beth the come out and slam her head against the wall."

Juan lifted his foot, leaning against the glove box while he stared at the house. Actually, he had no idea what he wanted to do. He remembered all too well how pissed June was because he'd gone after Rodey.

Concluding that it would take a while before they would take action, Emilio lowered the window, lit a cigarette and gave one to Juan. Juan held his own lighter under the tip and stared at the house again while taking a drag.

"You know... I don't want June to freak out," he sighed. "And it's not just that... we already know how talented Beth is in spreading lies. I don't want her to spread rumors that I'm some shitty boyfriend who beat up both girls for some bullshit reason. But I can't do nothing either... That bitch needs to learn she has to keep her filthy hands off my girl."

"So, what _do_ you want? Lure her outside, scare the shit outta her by threatenin' to send your oh so horrible brother after her if she ever talks to June again?" He chuckled.

That was not a bad idea... June would find that better than physical violence. However, when he thought about the cold eyes of the girl, he doubted it would affect her for a long time.

"I don't even know how to get her outside." He took a drag and lowered the window so he could tap off the ash.

"Jordy can lure her to her house with some excuse."

He snorted. "You think she's ever gonna help you again? You broke her heart man."

"Well you didn't," he shrugged. "And it was her own fault man. I told her a dozen times I don't feel about her that way."

"Hmm." He knew his friend well enough to know things hadn't been that simple; he had been the one allowing more and more until she had reached his limit. Right now however he wasn't in the mood to talk about Jordy and he didn't believe she would help him anyway. Not if she knew June didn't want her to.

His eyes wandered across the street and rested upon a white Honda Accord. Because Beth was a year older than them since she had doubled a year when her sister died, she had been the first with a car. She had never bragged about it out loud – after all, she hadn't a lot of friends to talk to – but since she showed up with that car she looked even more arrogant than before.

"You know how to steal a car?" he asked. "You know, with those wires? Like in the movies?"

Emilio rolled his eyes. "What the fuck do you think I do outside school?"

"I dunno. Thought maybe you'd be smarter than I always thought." He smirked at his indignant looking friend and decided to ask Mateo. He was just released from prison – maybe they had a habit of talking about each other's crimes during lunch. He grabbed his phone and called his brother.

"Hey. You ain't in trouble, huh? I knew I should have come with ya."

Juan clenched his jaw when he realized his brother didn't think Emilio and he could deal with this in a smart way. What the hell did he think they would do? Barge into Beth's house?

The thought that he might have done exactly that if Emilio hadn't calmed him down, he ignored.

"How's June?" he asked softly. The question slipped his lips before he realized, suddenly that was all that mattered.

"She's asleep in your bed. Is more worried about you doin' something stupid than about her injuries."

"I won't do anything stupid," he grunted. His glance slid to the window next to the front door. Would they notice an unknown car? "You ever stole a car?"

It was silent for a while. "You're seriously askin' me if I ever stole a car?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders. He knew his brother was no angel. "I dunno, maybe when you were drunk. You know how to get the engine goin' without a key?"

"Why? You wanna steal her car?"

"Yeah, and pimp it a little before leaving it at the schoolyard. I don't know what June will do if I really give her friend a beat up. Beth's gonna hate me for this too but at least I won't be the aggressive angry boyfriend."

He heard his brother chuckle. "Well, it sounds more amusing than beating up girls. Hang on there, I'm gonna get that car goin'."

"No," Juan objected. "I have to do this myself, okay? Just tell me how."

He was sick of Mateo always trying to solve his problems.

Mateo sighed. "Okay. But don't get caught."

He rolled his eyes. _No_ _kidding_ _._

"Is the car in the yard?"

"No, on the side of the road, they can't even see it through the window, I think."

"Good. You got a pocketknife?"

Questioning, he looked at Emilio who nodded to the glove box. "There's also an emergency hammer in it to break the glass." Emilio's eyes were lighting up with excitement. "I can't believe your brother is teachin' ya how to steal a fuckin' car."

Juan smirked back as he heard Mateo laugh. "Ma's gonna kill me if she ever finds out. Okay you shouldn't fool around. Let E hit the gas hard. In neutral, in case that idiot's too stupid to think of that himself. It will drown out the noise of the breaking glass."

Emilio muttered something inaudible, then Juan took the knife and the hammer and got out of the car. Since he was so nervous he was afraid to drop the phone, he shoved it back in his pocket without ending the call. Over his shoulder he looked at Emilio, who flashed him a wide grin before he let the engine roar.

Juan pushed away his hesitation, knocked out the glass and leaned into the car to open the door. With a raging heart he sat down on the driver's seat.

Was he really going to do this – stealing a car? If he got caught... He clenched his hands to fists and squeezed to keep the panic at bay. _For June. I'm doing this for June._ That whore of a friend of hers deserved a lot worse.

He grabbed his phone again, pressed it against his ear and observed the street once more. Luckily it was a peaceful neighborhood and it was dark, there was no one around.

"Okay, I'm in. What now?"

"Remove the plastic in front of the steering column and look at the wires. Those of the accu are red, those of the ignition yellow or brown."

Juan pulled away the plastic and turned on the ceiling light so he could see the colors. It made him nervous, his breathing sped up.

"Yellow," he said, more to himself than to his brother. "They're yellow. Okay. And now?"

"Strip the accu wires, the red ones, and connect them. Once you've done that, you tie the ignition wires to them; then it should work."

"Okay."

Right when he wanted to start, his brother started to talk again. "Juan? What are you gonna do with the stolen car? You can't put it at our front door."

Juan rubbed his head. Shit, he hadn't thought about that. "I dunno," he muttered. He squeezed his eyes when his anxiety flared up again. Why hadn't he thought about that before? Why was he such a dumb idiot, he –

"What do you plan to do with it? Smash it to pieces?"

"No. Graffiti. I thought uh – shooting it up with graffiti." He flinched when his brother started to laugh. "You think I'm stupid?" he asked quietly.

"No man, I think it's fuckin' great. I know some good things to paint on that thing. Okay wait..." In the background he heard some inaudible voices. "Okay Riley says you can take it to the garage. You know, the one belonging to the Mayans."

"Yeah – okay." That was actually a good plan. Not something he would have dared to suggest himself, but Riley practically lived in the Mayan's clubhouse and she had even invited him a few times over. "Okay. I'm gonna get this thing started."

He repeated what Mateo had told him, then he connected the wires. He surely had some technical insight, but nevertheless he yelled in excitement when the engine started to roar.

Grinning, Emilio gave him a thumbs up and drove past him, where after Juan left the parking lot as well and followed his friend.

Only when he was a block away without anyone noticing them, his hands felt a little less clammy. He wiped them to his pants, grabbed his phone from the seat next to him and called his friend to tell him where to go to.

* * *

"You two are as mat as a hatter huh?" Riley said, shaking her head after opening the garage for them.

"Hmmm yeah, bein' sane is boring man." Emilio wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Plus, a beat up is so trite. Painting that car with nasty shit is much more fun. We leave it on the schoolyard in the middle of the night and stab the tires so she can't take it away. I'm sure that fuckin' whore has learned her lesson."

"Is your uncle okay with this?" Juan asked Riley.

Riley nodded. "Sure man. He knows ya. If I tell em that bitch beat up your girl you can hide the car here as long as you want. But... you're gonna lemme join this graffiti party too." She wiggled her eyebrows.

"Fine by me. Hey thanks Ri. For this – and for takin' care of June."

"Anytime bro."

He hugged her briefly, then he turned towards Emilio. "Let's go. I eh – I gotta know if she's okay."

* * *

On their way back Emilio kept rambling about his ideas to spray the car. It were obviously erotic scenes stirring his imagination and Juan's thoughts wandered off to June. How would she react? He wanted her to be happy about him doing this for her; he wanted her to believe that Beth deserved this shit but he had his doubts. She was always so passively; somehow she was always coming up with excuses to justify the actions of others. Hopefully she would justify his actions too. However, since he wasn't hurting her but someone else, he doubted it.

"Wait, can you take me to June's house?" Juan asked when they neared a crossroad close to the street where she lived. "Then I can get some of her stuff and tell Hannah what happened, so June doesn't need to repeat it tomorrow."

Emilio nodded slowly and glanced at him while taking a turn to the left. "You're not gonna tell her what we did, right?"

"I can't pretend I did nothing."

"That we love to ruin her car doesn't mean she's gonna approve too. If she's a little like June she's gonna freak out."

"She isn't like June. She even told me that she was proud of me for how we dealt with Rodey."

Wildly, his friend cocked his head to the side. "How you dealt with Rodey? You mean – those stab wounds – was that _you?_ "

Uncomfortably, Juan looked away. He was so used to telling his friend everything that he hadn't realized he hadn't told him about what had happened at the Jubilee Prom. "Mateo stabbed him. I just wanted to beat him up."

"What? – Why? Only because he was June's date?"

"No, of course not," he answered agitated. "We did it because – because he groped her. And if I... If I hadn't stopped him he might have done a lot more."

Emilio cursed. "Why didn't you tell me man."

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "You didn't exactly like her. I was afraid you would use it to hurt her."

"You really think I would do that?" Emilio scoffed.

"Yeah. Back then you would have."

Emilio grumbled something, and Juan assumed he agreed.

"You wanna wait in the car or come with me?" Juan asked when Emilio pulled the car at the side of the road.

"I'll wait. That woman isn't very charmed by me. I've met her once and she was very close to slapping me in the face."

Juan smirked. "You've been lucky she didn't actually do it." He got out of the car, closed the door and headed to June's house. It was close to 11 and the lights were out. The twins must be asleep by now.

When he entered the living room he turned on a small light to see if Hannah was deep asleep. He however was met by a tired smile.

"Hello Juan."

"Hey."

"I don't think June already came home, sweetheart. I thought she was with you..."

"Yeah she was. Umm..." He took a chair and shoved it to the bed before he sat down on it.

Hannah put on another light and sat up a little straighter. Suddenly Juan felt very uncomfortable; the guilt returned. Would she blame him for letting June go to Beth all by herself? Up to now Hannah had been very understanding, he hoped it wouldn't be different this time. "June paid Beth a visit. Did she tell you?"

Hannah nodded. "She wanted to inform her about her relationship with you."

"Yeah..." He sighed. "Well... Beth went crazy. And umm... she beat her up. She called Riley, who brought her to my house. She eh – she's sleepin' in my bed now so I thought... If I get her stuff she can stay there."

June's mother cursed so rudely it shocked him; he had never expected it from her. "I've always known something was very wrong with that girl." Her hand glided to his and she squeezed it. "Is it bad, Juan? Did she hurt my little girl a lot?"

Juan swallowed as the tears filled her eyes. "She got lots of bruises. She's in pain but – I don't think anything's broken. I think – I think she's asleep right now. I left a few hours ago to... to... well you know why."

"Good." As expected, her voice sounded steadfast.

"I didn't use violence," he said quietly. "I wanted to... Fuck I wanted to beat the shit outta her. But I feared June's response. So... Emilio and I stole Beth's car and we want to tag it before we leave it at the schoolyard. With... things that hurt her. But no physical damage to her, you know? I just... I'm just afraid that she won't forgive me. She didn't want me to do anything at all."

"Of course she didn't," Hannah sighed. Then she lifted her hand and laid it against his cheek. Skittishly he looked at her. "You did well, sweetheart. Violence wouldn't have helped, it would have hurt June even more. I'm glad you know my daughter so well, I just hope you don't get into trouble because of someone like Beth."

"I won't," he assured her. "We eh – nobody saw us."

"Good." She leaned into him to kiss his cheek. "Thank you for telling me this, Juan. I really appreciate it. I'm glad you're such a sweet boy, one who can be tough too."

His cheeks glowed because of so much praise.

"In case she does become angry, just tell her I approved your idea. That might help."

Juan nodded. A part of him wanted to stay a little longer, but Emilio was waiting outside and he wanted to go to June. "I uh – I gotta go. E's waiting outside."

Hannah smiled. "It gives me peace, Juan. Knowing that you take care of her so well. You're a son to be proud of."

Her words made him shy and he muttered a 'thank you'. He was still looking for words to add when she closed her eyes. Juan decided to leave it at that. Instead of saying something, he pulled the blanket over her shoulders and turned off the light. Then he went upstairs to get June's stuff.

* * *

When Juan came home, he talked a bit with his brother before he entered his room and sat down on the bed. Gently he stroked her hair.

June looked up to him. He swallowed as he noticed that the swelling of her eye had increased.

"I went to your home to get your stuff," he said. "So you can stay with me tonight. I already told your mom what happened, so you won't have to do that tomorrow." He laid down on his side and placed his hand on her hip. "You're in a lot of pain? You want me to get you more painkillers?"

"Beth..." she muttered. "What did you do to Beth?"

"Nothing," he answered honestly. "Not with Beth herself." Slowly, he stroked her side while watching her face to see if he wasn't accidentally hurting her. "We borrowed her car for a while. Gonna pimp it with some graffiti before we leave it at the schoolyard. Is gonna cost her a shitload of money, but at least she doesn't end up in the hospital."

She sighed softly in relief and caressed his cheek. "Thank you. I was really afraid that you would do something... worse."

As careful as he could, he snuggled closer to her, kissing the tip of her nose. "I know you don't believe in violence. So... we're gonna try it with vandalism." He showed her a grin. "But nothing that can't be repaired."

Except for the mental impact it might have on Beth, when the whole school would see her car. He knew his friends and brother good enough to know there would be some rude slogans on it. But he kept that to himself; she didn't need to know that he already counted on their creativity.

"You wanna try to put on your nightgown?"

"No," she muttered. "Not yet." She cuddled up to him, so her hair was tickling his chin. "I just want to lay in your arms for a while. I was really afraid that you would end up at the police station."

"No way." He laid his arms loosely around her. "That my brother went to jail doesn't mean that me and my family are gonna subscribe to it now."

She laughed quietly. Butterflies danced through his body because he had made her laugh. Closing his eyes, he listened to her calm breathing. Knowing that she felt safe in his arms, was the best feeling in the world.


	62. All That's Lost

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PRESENT**

His ears were ringing when Juice descended the stairs. The moment he reached the floor, he reached for June's hand, afraid he would collapse otherwise. Their fingers bumped, but before they could lace she pulled away her hand.

The gesture caused a stab in his chest. Only a few minutes ago they had been on top of each other, loving each other and now... Now nothing had changed. It was Emilio who gave him a reassuring squeeze in the shoulder, but somehow Juice blamed _him_ for this whole fucked up situation and angrily he turned away from him. His former friend looked away in disappointment, but Juice didn't give a shit about his feelings.

His eyes wandered through the living room. His sight was blurry, it felt like he had drank too much. His son... He was about to meet his son. But where was he? Was it a joke? Wouldn't that be typically Emilio – ruining a beautiful moment between June and him by using a sick excuse? His fingers were clenching into a fist – and then the back door opened.

Juice spun around.

There he was. His kid. His son.

The tone of his skin was similar to his, with which June's greyish blue eyes were contrasting. The left side of his dark hair was curt short, the rest had been combed to the right.

Rafi froze in the doorway and stared at him with wide eyes. Juice felt the tears sting in his eyes. Only now he saw the boy, he truly realized that he had a kid. His lips were quivering as he tried to smile; he could barely breathe.

"What the fuck is he doin' here?"

Juice tensed as he heard Rafi's voice. It was so similar to that of his brother that the tears were really itching in the corner of his eyes now.

"I..."

He failed to make actual words. It felt like someone had slapped him in the face. Desperately he turned his face to the side – to June, to Emilio... June however was just as pale as he had to be.

"He's visiting us," Emilio answered with a sternness in his voice surprising Juan. "C'mon, shake hands with your uncle."

"No fucking way. He's not family. Not when it took him fifteen fucking years before he _wanted_ to be family."

"I didn't... I didn't know..." Juice stammered.

"You didn't know _what_." Rafi lifted his chin in a provoking way. The gesture reminded him so much of Mateo that he really started to wonder if this was _his_ kid. "You didn't know your brother left behind a pregnant woman when he died? You didn't feel like checkin' up on her?"

"Rafi..." June's voice sounded weak.

"No, fuck it ma. I don't want him in my life. Fuck off. We were fine without him."

"I'm sorry..." Juice's voice sounded just as soft as June's. "I just... I just didn't know."

"You didn't know _what_? That you're a fucking asshole for never payin' your sister in a law a visit after her boyfriend died?!"

Juice bent his head. What could he say? The boy was right. Should he tell him the truth? Explain to him that he had wanted to protect June? He couldn't imagine that _wouldn't_ fuel his anger.

The door slammed shut. Right through the glass he saw Rafi return to the barn to get his bike.

Indignation made the hairs on his arms rise when Emilio started to chuckle and slapped his shoulder. "Well, it ain't hard to see from who he has that temper, huh? Don't worry, he'll come around. He doesn't do very well with changes."

Juice was still staring at his son who was leaving the garden now. Emilio was right; he hadn't inherited much of June's softness. Sighing, he rubbed his face. He had known about Rafi for such a short time that he hadn't pictured their first meet, but it caused a heavy feeling in his chest nevertheless.

June took his hand and softly pulled him to the touch. Her grasp gave away that she was shocked by Rafi's outburst as well.

"Where will he go now?" Juice muttered. "Does he have... close friends?" His eyes shot to Emilio. At Rafi's age, Emilio had always been there for him.

"Yeah, he's got two good friends," Emilio answered.

"Look Daddy," Glenn interrupted the conversation. He shoved a drawing under his father's nose. "I drew an elephant! You like it?"

Emilio raked his hand through the dark spikey hair as he glanced at the drawing. "Looking good buddy. Hey, you already introduced yourself to that man? That's your uncle Juan. Go shake his hand."

It took all Juice's willpower not to turn his head away. Seeing Emilio and his son together while his own kid had just stormed away – it broke something inside him.

The kid walked up to him and studied his face with curious eyes. "Hi uncle Juan. I'm Glenn." He held out his hand.

"Hey." His voice was shaking. It was all he could say and he shook the hand of the little one. He was looking for words to add, but Glenn already turned his attention to his mom. "Can I play on the tablet?"

June nodded and cheering, the boy ran to a cabinet. With a nagging feeling in his chest Juice watched the boy. He had missed this... he had missed all of this. It all hurt so fucking much he wanted to leave – but where could he go? This lost life was all he had.

"Anyway, it's Saturday night so I don't think Rafi will return before tomorrow morning. Those kids love to party." Emilio smirked. "Just like his dad."

"Or his stepdad," Juice muttered.

Was his son already drinking? Did he use drugs? Emilio and he had done that way before that age, but the idea that his own son would do it too bothered him. Not that he had anything to say about it...

Juice stared at the floor, still not knowing what to say.

June laid a hand on his knee. "It's difficult for all of us," she said softly. "Is there anything we can do for you?"

Sighing, he rubbed his forehead. He was exhausted and he felt filthy. "Can I – shower?" He couldn't even remember the last time he had showered.

"Yeah sure." June got up. "I'll get you a towel. You have clean clothes?"

Ashamed he shook his head.

"Nah, grab some of mine from the closet. I'll make the spare room ready." Emilio stood up. "By the way, have you already eaten something today?"

Juice stared at his knees when he shook his head. Fuck – he couldn't even take care of himself. "I wouldn't be able to eat a thing anyway."

"Just wait until you smell a burger."

He chewed his lip. "Isn't it better if I leave? Now Rafi is so mad?" Skittishly, he looked at the couple.

Emilio raised his eyebrows. "What? You're gonna give up at the first glitch? C'mon Juan, that's not you. Go take a shower, eat something and you will feel a lot better."

Sighing, Juice got on his feet.

* * *

Emilio was right. A hot shower and a good meal did him good. Not that much that he was able to produce a smile or lose the nagging feeling in his stomach, but at least he felt less unstable.

"What about an old fashioned guys night?" Emilio asked after they had finished dessert. "You gotta relax man. June can take Glenn and go to Jordy's; then we're gonna down some beers and watch a movie. Like the old times."

His first instinct was to say no. He still hated Emilio and his attempts to fix their friendship only confused him. However, he was sure June wanted to spend some time with Jordy; all this wasn't easy for her either.

Shrugging, he agreed.

Oddly enough he felt a little lighter when Emilio and he were alone. June called up some kind of tension; as long as she was around he wanted to touch her and he was constantly afraid to hurt her. Only when she was gone, he noticed that the stress faded a bit.

With a beer they flopped down on the couch.

"You wanna watch some episodes of Jackass? Haven't seen that in a million years."

Juice shrugged his shoulders. Everything was fine with him.

Emilio connected his phone to the tv and started a YouTube video.

Juice needed two more beers before his lips curled up a little. "Shit man this is horrible," he said after a while. "Did we really waste so much hours watchin' that crap?"

"At least we weren't dumb enough to imitate 'em," Emilio chuckled. He leaned over the table to roll a joint and lit it. After taking a drag, he gave it to Juan.

With his feet on the edge of the table, Juice hung back in the couch while smoking. "June ain't gonna get pissed? Can't imagine she likes us smoking pot in her house."

"She knows you need it to stop those racing thoughts. Tomorrow the smell's gone."

Juice felt that he was starting to feel drowsy. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept for more than four hours. He shook his head as the four men on the tv screen sat down on a seesaw while someone unleashed a mad bull. When one of them fell off the seesaw, ran away and was slammed aside by the animal, he shook his head. "Yeah maybe we ain't as fucked up as I thought we were."

Emilio drank from his beer and chuckled. "Could be a lot worse. And they're not even drunk. Fuck – I can't even remember the last time I've been drunk. Having kids really turns your life upside down."

"Probably for the best," Juice muttered. "Look at everything you have. All I do is fuck things up." He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and opened another bottle to hide his emotions.

"I fucked up things too," Emilio said quietly. "Our friendship. It's also my fault that your life sucks now. If I hadn't been so drunk that night... then I woulda been there for you when Mat died. Then we coulda dealt with that together, instead of alone. And together we would have found a solution for that shit with the mob."

In silence, Juan fidgeted with the label on the bottle. He didn't know what to say. They couldn't change the past. He took the joint from Emilio and closed his eyes for a while. The chaos in his head had calmed down and he turned his face to the side. "Thanks. For this."

"Anytime bro. You know... I missed this."

"Me too," Juice admitted. If sober, he'd probably refused to admit it but right now he didn't care. "I never had a close friend after you."

"No? Thought that brotherhood shit was all about friendship?"

"Yeah," he admitted. With an aching heart he thought about Chibs. Their relationship had been special too, but it had been nothing like his friendship with Emilio. Chibs was older – he had been more like a mentor than anything else. "But I think I never really fitted in. Even when I was patched in, they made me do the shitty things. They thought I was just an idiot." He smiled a little sadly. "Which I certainly was, at times. Once I took some sleeping pills, believing it was speed, pills we needed to give some cops. I passed out and fucked it up. They got me a diaper and dumped me in front of the police station. With a piece of cardboard stapled to my chest that said: slightly retard child, please adopt me." He rubbed his chest, it felt like he could still feel the staples.

Emilio started to laugh. "Fuck – my life has been so boring."

Juice smirked. "Well if you pass out tonight I won't mind to dump you on the streets in a diaper."

Laughing, Emilio turned towards him, leaning with one elbow on the backrest of the couch. "Well, without the club I could see this happen too. You know that time we were so fucking drunk we were stealing cats, locking them up in a barn so we could turn it into a pound? Because we were convinced they were all alley cats?" He rolled up his sleeve. "I think I still got a scar from one of their scratches. My arms looked like they'd gone through a fucking meat machine."

Juice laughed as the memories crossed his mind. Fuck – it was such a long time ago he had thought about these times. And the last time he had laughed seemed just as far back in the past. "You remember that time we entered a gay bar at the end of a night out? Where all those guys were touching us and it made no fuckin' sense to us? I think you punched someone in the face that night."

"Oh god – yeah. I broke my pinky, which I didn't notice until next morning." He laughed. "Oh, and I also remember a time we borrowed someone's wheelchair to race down a hill? You ended up in a pond."

"That wasn't me. That was Mat." A sad sigh left his lips as he thought about his brother. That unknown joy that had filled his chest a moment ago, slipped away. "I miss him."

"Yeah me too," Emilio admitted. "It's so long ago... but sometimes it feels like the last time I saw him was just yesterday." He cast his glance at the ground. "He hated me, the last time we saw each other."

Juice didn't know what to answer for it was true. "Well... If he had known how you took care of June years later, he would have forgiven you," he said eventually.

Emilio looked up to him. "And you – can you forgive me?"

"I'm tryin'." He bent his head. "But my life's such a mess, my head so chaotic..." A tear rolled down his cheek. "I just have the feeling that everyone hates me. That everyone..."

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you, no matter what you do."

Juice froze. His friend's voice convinced him that he meant it and he looked up to him. Emilio's dark eyes were full of love and so different than all the disappointed looks he had seen the past months. He didn't know what to answer; he couldn't tell him the same went for him.

"But I hate seein' you cry."

Juice's eyes widened in disbelief when Emilio raised his hand and brushed the tear away with his thumb. His hand glided to Juice's neck. He was so overwhelmed that he wasn't able to move when Emilio leaned into him and kissed him.


	63. If We Had Only Known

**THE PRESENT**

Emilio had not the slightest idea where the longing to kiss Juan had came from. Suddenly it had just been there. And the feeling was intense – fucking intense. Never before he had yearned so much for someone else's lips. When he touched them, he could feel little jolts all over his body. He could no longer think – somewhere in the back of his mind he caught a glimpse of the thought that Juan wasn't gay, but he countered it with the knowledge that he neither had known that he was into guys. He had no idea what he was doing – and he didn't care.

Although it was his own shampoo and soap he was smelling, it had mixed with Juan's scent, driving him wild with passion and desire. He turned Juan's head a little and pressed his lips against his again. Gentle but confident. He wanted this – oh he wanted this so bad. His hand was folded around Juan's neck so he could feel how tense his friend felt. With strong fingers he massaged the muscles; he wanted Juan to relax.

Nevertheless he expected a punch in the face any moment. Or at least an angry holler. This felt like a dream that could end any moment – a dream he had cherished for years without realizing. Now he tasted the magic on Juan's lips, it felt like a barrier was lifted, allowing feelings he'd never experienced before.

And suddenly Juan kissed him back, hesitating, his lips a little parted as if he didn't dare to take the initiative for a real kiss himself. Emilio seized the opportunity, leaning into his friend and slipping his tongue into his wet warmth. Their tongues were stroking, circling around each other. This was different from June's kisses – different from any kiss he'd ever shared. It felt like his tongue was tingling at every little touch and his limbs felt weak. His hand glided upwards, his fingertips pressing against the bulge of the back of Juan's head, lifting his face a little to change the angle of their kiss. Juan had placed his hand on Emilio's side and didn't move. He wanted to feel his fingertips on his skin; he wanted him to stroke his neck and face but he left the initiative to his friend.

The kiss became intenser – it went on for much longer than Emilio had ever expected. Kissing seemed to get a new definition, flavor a new dimension. All sounds became silent and when he snuggled up closer to Juan he could feel his friend's raging heart.

Emilio's erection was throbbing so heavily it almost made him whimper; he wanted to feel Juan's fingers around it, or even his lips. Images of things he had always abhorred seemed beautiful and hot now. Was Juan led to the same conclusion? Was he just as hard? Or was this nothing but a result of the weed and the alcohol; was the chaos in his head so overpowering that he didn't know what he was doing?

Hesitating, he laid his hand on Juan's thigh. After showering he had put on Emilio's sweatpants, causing Emilio to feel much more than when he would have been wearing jeans. His hand glided to his groin and when Juan didn't fight him off and kept kissing him, he explored the bulge in his pants. Yeah – he was hard. Fucking hard. With his fingers he traced the outline of his hard length, then he folded his hand around Juan's balls and started to knead them.

His friend moaned into his mouth. The sound made the fire in his stomach flare up and the throbbing of his own dick increased. His grasp around Juan tightened until he moaned again, and this time it filled him with so much heat that Emilio groaned as well. Finally Juan's hand started to move too . Not to his crotch, as Emilio had hoped, but upwards. His fingers wandered across Emilio's chest and with a pang in his stomach Emilio realized he was touching for breasts, as if he wasn't aware of the fact that he was kissing a man. Was it the loneliness that made him clutch to every bit of warmth and affection?

Emilio didn't let it discourage him – maybe he was wrong. And even if he wasn't, he could give his friend almost as much as June. He bent back Juan's head and traced the line of his jaw with his lips. Stubble was scraping the sensitive skin of his swollen lips as he got rid of his hesitation and slipped his hand in Juan's pants. Not in his boxers yet – he was too afraid for his response. However, now there was only a tiny fabric around it, Emilio could wrap his hand around his big and hard cock, starting to move it in a pace he liked himself.

Juan responded immediately; he was gasping for breath, spreading his legs a little more. Another moan rolled over his lips; this one deeper than the ones before. Emilio watched Juan's face. He had closed his eyes and he was breathing rapidly.

"You like this huh?" he said in gravely voice. "Tell me what you need to relax homes. I never sucked a dick but I'm sure you taste fucking great. You can fuck me too if you like." Tinglings raced to the tips of his fingers and toes as he heard his own words. He was just about to slip his hand in Juan's boxers to yank him properly when the man suddenly recoiled from him, pushing him away in a sudden fit of rage. With eyes wide in panic he stared at Emilio.

"What the fuck are you doin'. What the fuck are you doin' man!" he cried out. Tears were shining in his eyes. He wiped his mouth as if he had tasted something horrible. "I'm not gay. I don't want this... this is fuckin' disgustin' man! What the hell?!" He crawled away from him on the couch, his eyes wide and mirroring his chaotic thoughts.

"Calm down," Emilio answered annoyed. His words hurt him. "I don't know okay? I never kissed a guy before either. There's no reason to freak out."

"No reason to freak out?!" His voice went up. "You want to blow me, you want to _fuck_ me?!"

"All I want is you to relax."

"So! Then get me a fucking whore instead of bein' one yourself!"

Emilio sighed. "Hey I don't wanna burst your bubble, but you kissed me back. You fucking enjoyed it dude."

"I'm drunk and high! I thought – I don't fucking know man! I wasn't thinkin' at all – I only realized I was kissin' _you_ when I heard your voice." He got up from the couch, looked at him and bent over. Vomit splashed on the ground.

Emilio turned his head away. Tears stinging in his eyes.

Did he feel so disgusted it made him puke?

When he was younger seeing gay people had made him feel sick too, but there was no way around it now – whatever he had felt a couple of minutes ago had been something totally new.

"Fuck – I gotta go... I can't – I can't stay here," Juan rambled, wiping his mouth again. "I can't believe that we – that you..." He stumbled backwards until he had reached the backdoor and opened it.

"Hey c'mon..." Emilio sighed. "I'm sorry okay?" He stood up as well, wobbly. Only when he was standing straight, he could feel how much beer he had downed. "I – I don't know what happened. It was the booze, the drugs..."

But he knew it wasn't true. Not from his perception.

He had no idea how long he had suppressed his feelings, maybe for years, maybe he'd always done so, but now they'd came to the surface he couldn't simply push them back.

"Juan I'm sorry," he said when his friend left the house. "Don't leave okay? I'll go to my room... Just... Just don't leave. We can talk about this tomorrow. Please?"

"No – no I gotta go," Juan murmured. His eyes were still wide, darting nervously through the room. Instead of taking away his stress, Emilio had made it ten times worse. "I gotta go," he repeated. "I didn't want this. I really didn't want this."

Emilio sighed. He wanted to go after him, but he knew he would only make things worse right now. There was nothing he could say that he hadn't said before.

A little desperate he ran a hand across his head. His glance fell upon the pool of vomit on the floor and his own stomach turned. He had to clean it up before June or Rafi came home.

Once he was done cleaning he dragged himself upstairs. He didn't lock the backdoor so Juan could come in. He just hoped he hadn't chased him away for good. Somehow he had done the impossible – ruin his friendship with Juan even more.

Sitting down on the bed, he heaved a deep sigh. There was a lump in his throat and he longed for June's arms. Taking his phone from his pocket, he sent her a short message.

* * *

Although June was supposed to relax, she simply couldn't. The words Rafi had snarled at Juan kept racing through her head. She felt guilty about it – she should have seen it coming. However, June herself had been so happy about Juan returning to her life that she hadn't considered for a moment that her son might not share that joy. Jordy had tried to reassure her, telling her that her son would come around, but what was really upsetting her, was the fear that Juan would feel so disappointed that he would leave again.

When she received a text from Emilio around midnight telling her that he had fucked it up again, she immediately slipped back in that hole filled with self-reproach. Of course those two couldn't spend a night together without ending up in a fight! It was way too early for that. Emilio wanted to repair their friendship so desperately that he just couldn't see that Juan wasn't ready. Juan had already been so emotional today; not much must have been needed to call up his anger again.

After showing the text to Jordy, her friend told her to go home and that she would take Glenn home tomorrow morning. Since Glenn had spent the night here a multiple times, June agreed and hurried home.

June was met by the smell of weed when she opened the front door. Angrily she clenched her jaws. Emilio _knew_ she didn't want people to smoke inside, and certainly not pot! She hadn't even known he was still using. As she noticed the collection beer bottles she sighed. She had hoped the time of high and drunk boyfriends was over by now. Although her hands were itching to clean up the mess, she first went upstairs. To her relief Juan's bike had still been in the yard, so she headed for the spare room first. It was empty.

A nasty feeling ambushed her. What happened? Had the guys been fighting again? Jordy had hidden Juan's gun, but she was still afraid that he would do something horrible to Emilio. After opening the bedroom door, she found Emilio on the bed, his back turned towards her.

"You've seen him?" Emilio asked in a monotone voice, without looking at her.

She walked around the bed and sat down on the edge. She startled a bit when she saw Emilio's face. He seemed distraught, while he had always been the stable factor in her life and she couldn't think of a lot of things that could rock his foundation.

"No, the room was empty. What happened?" She caressed his cheek, relieved there were no new bruised. "You were in a fight again?"

He rolled on his back and sighed. June laid down next to him, one arm draped across his chest and her other elbow propped up at her pillow so she could look at him. Slowly her forefinger drew spirals across his chest while she waited for him to start talking.

"Yeah. He stormed off in anger."

"Why?"

To her surprise she saw his cheeks turn red and he turned his face away in an attempt to hide his shame.

"I kissed him. And uhmm... I did a little more than kissing alone."

She stared at him in disbelief. "W-what?" Emilio had kissed Juan? Emilio – who couldn't even handle two guys kissing on tv?

"We were calling up memories." With a sigh he rolled on his back again. "When Mateo came up, he got emotional and it didn't take lang before he became sad and started to ramble about everyone hatin' him. So I told him I didn't hate him. He started to cry – and then uh, I wiped away a tear and suddenly I wanted to kiss him. So eh – that's what I did."

Staring at the ceiling, he took a deep breath.

"And he got mad?" June assumed. She already felt overwhelmed, she couldn't even imagine how Juan must have felt.

"Not right away," he muttered. "I never thought he would do it, but he kissed me back. Actually we uh, we kissed for a long time and I felt – things I've never felt before. I was fucking turned on and he didn't object when my hand slipped into his pants."

June dropped her eyes. She didn't know what to feel, she didn't want to judge the guys but it just felt super weird.

"I told him I wanted him to relax and suggested some things I could do with him or what he could do with me."

Her stomach contracted; she knew that husky voice all too well. One of the things that really turned her on were his whispers during foreplay.

"When he heard my voice he freaked out and got mad, told me he didn't realize that I wasn't a girl until I started to talk... that it was all because of the drugs and booze... And then he wanted to leave. I tried to stop him, but I had no idea how. He was confused and I am confused and I just don't know what to think anymore June. I really thought things were gettin' better between us and now I fucked it up again." He rolled over and buried his face against her shoulder. "It's such a chaos in my brain, I never thought that I... I never thought I'd wanted to do something like that."

June couldn't remember she had seen him so shaken before and she kissed his temple while wrapping her arms around him. "Are you in love with him?" she asked quietly.

Deep down, she already knew the answer. It was so obvious. Suddenly a lot of pieces fell into place. Why he had hated her so much in the beginning, why he had _always_ bragged about his adventures in bed, why he had been so obsessed with finding his friend, why he had been such a jerk in high school at all... He had struggled with feelings he didn't understand and which he was only starting to understand now, twenty years later.

"I think – I think it's because of the pot. It's such a long time ago I smoked that shit..."

She smiled a little sad as she wiped his hair from his forehead. She didn't know a lot of people who were as macho as he was; discovering that he had feelings for a man must violate his self-image. "I don't think it's the pot, baby. I think you've hidden this feelings for a very long time."

Hesitating, he looked up to her. There was still a red shade on his cheeks.

"You know you can be honest with me. I don't judge you and I don't love you any less." She softly kissed his lips and wrapped her arms tighter around him. It was strange; before Juan had returned she had never been able to tell Emilio she loved him and now the words just slipped her lips. Maybe because she had never seen him so vulnerable before.

"You're not surprised?" he muttered. "That I'm gay?"

"You're not gay. Unless you never were really into girls."

"I love girls," he muttered. "And I love you June."

She stroked his cheek. "I never suspected you of being into men, but now I look back it explains so much. You never realized you felt more than friendship alone?"

He was silent for a while. "There have been some weird, awkward moments in the past. I felt things I never understood, but I never thought... I never thought that I was in love with him. I've never wanted to kiss him before, I've never fantasized about him. Really, I only thought about girls."

"And except with Juan, you never had those weird, awkward moments with anyone? Looking back over the past years; you think you never had feelings for another guy?"

He tried to turn his head away. Softly she dotted kisses along his jaw, slipping her hand underneath his shirt knowing her touch would calm him down. "You can tell me baby."

"I always thought I was admiring him, that he was like a brother to me. One day I even had a dream where he ordered me to blow him, but I dunno, I was young and confused and I thought every boy had a dream like that sometimes. But when he – when he died... His death destroyed me, especially because he hated me when it happened. And it... it made me crazy. After fifteen years I can still see his smirk, and now I feel... now I feel the same when I think about Juan. If he had known... he would have been disgusted by it. Just like – just like Juan. He threw up."

June wondered where Juan was now, how he felt. The thought that he roamed through the streets high and drunk, caused a pit in her stomach. If he had really returned the kiss, he must feel just as confused.

"Do you think it's disgusting June?" he asked in a tiny voice.

June laid a hand against his cheek to force him to look at her. "Love is never disgusting. Emilio, I love you. And I love Juan. And if you love each other too, I think that's nothing but beautiful."

"Would you want it?" he asked quietly. "Bein' with both of us? A love triangle?"

This time it was June who started to blush. Not having to make a choice between both men, not having to lose one of them... People would talk about them, her sons might be bullied because of it. But she couldn't deny her heartbeat was speeding up now and it made her shy. People in relationships like that were often quite flamboyant and she didn't feel like it fitted her personality.

"I don't know," she said softly. "How will Rafi react?" She bit her lip and buried her face against his shoulder. "And our third party has to agree with it too. And he's already so... confused."

"Yeah..." Emilio sighed. "I only made that worse."

June couldn't blame him. She couldn't control herself around him either. Although she had wanted to stay loyal to Emilio, she had failed after _one day._ That he was also overwhelmed by emotions after his long search, was nothing but logical.

"That time we were fantasizing about a threesome... Were there no thoughts revealing your... desires?" she wondered.

"I thought having a threesome would be fuckin' hot. But I only thought about what you would do with me or what he would do with you while I watched... I dunno – it feels like my feelings were just blocked until the booze and weed broke down that wall." His hand glided to hers and their fingers laced. "You think there's a tiny chance that he's bisexual too June?"

The hopeful look in his eyes touched her soul. He really had a huge crush on Juan and neither of them had seen it. The vulnerability he showed her made her glow to the core.

"I don't know baby, but I don't think he has the same feelings for you. But maybe... maybe he's never been open to it either. And I don't think he will anytime soon, he already has a lot on his mind."

"I know," he muttered. "I never should have done it. It was so stupid. But when I looked into those sad eyes... I just lost control. You know – I just want to forget it ever happened... I want to forget how I felt. I want – I just want things like they were in the past. I don't want a relationship with him – I just... I just want my best friend back. I miss him. The past eighteen years I missed him every fucking day."

"I know baby. And I know he missed you too, every single day."

But whether Juan would ever be able to look at Emilio at the same way after tonight, remained to be seen. She however didn't want to make him feel worse and kept her thoughts to herself. She looked at his tense face, at the doubts and regrets in his yes.

She had seen the same emotions in Juan's eyes earlier today, and she had helped him to shut off his thoughts.

She would do the same for Emilio. After taking off his shirt, she kissed his chest and stomach until she reached his belt. After unbuckling it, she looked up to him. "You want me to do what Juan refused to do?"

Emilio seemed to hesitate. He sat up straight and wrapped his arms around her. "I don't want you to do it just because Juan didn't do it. You're not a replacement, June. You're my girl." He caressed her cheek, so lightly and tenderly it made her shiver. "I'm sorry I cheated on you."

Not for a moment that thought had crossed her mind. Why would it – she had cheated on him too.

"I don't know... it feels like he's part of us," she said hesitantly. "I think we never would have fallen in love if it wasn't for our feelings for Juan. It's so bizarre." Her lips curled into a sad smile. "Oh, if we would have known this when we were sixteen..."

Emilio chuckled softly. "I told you, that first time you showed up in _El_ _Torro_ _._ I told you I'd be your number two one day."

She laid her hands against his cheeks and looked deep into his eyes. "You're more than my number two, E. You are both my number one."

Raking a hand through her hair, he looked at her. "And you two are mine too. Oh, if sixteen year old Emilio would have known that one day he would be in love with his best friend and the shy wallflower that stole his heart..." He lifted the corner of his mouth. "I think he'd have a heart attack."

"Then it's a good thing sixteen year old Emilio had no heart," she muttered.

He smirked and started to press kisses to her lips. "And he neither had a brain. Otherwise he would never had stated that you were boring in bed." His hand glided underneath her shirt and slid into the cup of her bra. "And if he had known that you were considering a love triangle, he would have declared you as the hottest girl of the school."

She chuckled against his lips as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "And if she would have known that one day she would have your child, she would have become a nun." She laid some kisses on his lips. "So it's a good thing we can't see into the future."

 **. . .**

 **I'm curious... you got a favorite ship? (:**


	64. Confusion

**THE PRESENT**

Rafi knew his mother didn't like him drinking too much, but whenever Chelsea was around it was hard to drink in moderation. He didn't want to look like a pussy. A few weeks ago she'd broken up with her five your older boyfriend and the last thing he wanted was her to find him a baby. She had been vague about the reason of their break-up and he hadn't dared to ask questions about it. Kim had mentioned that she had feelings for someone else and he couldn't help it had made his heart beat faster. Of course the chance that it was him was negligible. He wasn't exactly able to flirt like a boss. Emilio had told him to just lay an arm around her casually, whispering in a confident voice that he could give her a night to remember, but he knew damn sure that sentence would never leave his lips without sounding like a fucking stutterer. Plus, he had never given anyone a night to remember while she had sex with a much older – and much more experienced – guy, so he knew he couldn't live up to her expectations.

Taking another swig from his beer, he looked at the backdoor. Somewhere at the back of the garden a couple was being all gropy, but if he sat down on the small wall separating the grass from the terrace, he didn't have to look at them. Muttering he was going to have a smoke, he got up and headed outside.

His silent hope of her joining him was ridiculous. He could have just asked her. It was fucking stupid, but she was the reason he was smoking at all; he had hoped it made him look tougher, obscuring his insecurity.

He met her half a year ago. Since his friend started to date her best friend. She joined their group of friends quickly, and after showing them their garden house this had became their favorite place to hang out. Especially because her parents were super chill and didn't mind them having a beer.

A movement in the corner of his eye distracted him. Although he had hoped for her to sit down next to him, sweat started to pour down when she really did so. Putting a cigarette between her lips, she cocked her head to the side. "You got a light?"

He knew she had a lighter herself and his insides started to glow. Quickly he took the lighter from his pack of cigarettes and shielded the cigarette between her lips with his hand, although there was no wind. His fingers were tingling now they were so close to her face and in silence he prayed they wouldn't start to tremble because of his nervousness.

When the cigarette burnt, she smiled at him. Shyly, he bit his lip. He thought about Emilio's words. No fucking way he was going to invite her for a hot night, but maybe he could say something else while laying an arm around her? However, his head just seemed empty and quickly he drank from his beer, hoping she didn't notice his awkwardness.

"I saw your dad yesterday," she said. "When I was working at the grocery store. You really have a young dad, right? He's so hot."

Rafi choked on his beer and started to cough. Immediately he turned his face away from her, which was turning flaming red. Ashamed he wiped the drops of beer from his lips and he didn't dare to look at her again. He felt so hot that he believed it was a miracle the beer didn't start to boil in the bottle he was holding. Had she really told him that his _mom's boyfriend_ was hot?!

Chelsea laughed softly. "I didn't mean to startle you." She laid a hand on his thigh and slowly moved her hand up and down. "If anything, it explains why you look so handsome."

Rafi could feel her hand burn right through his pants. He needed another swig of beer to put out the flames raging through his whole body, but he was afraid his nervousness would make him choke again.

"He's not my biological dad," he muttered.

Right after his words he cursed himself. Why the hell did he say that when his crush called him handsome?! What the hell was going on with him today? He didn't feel like himself at all and Chelsea only made things worse. Was it because of his uncle who he had seen after all those years? The thought about that man made the anger flow through his veins again. Quickly he aimed his attention back at Chelsea's caressing movements; he didn't want to ruin the moment. Especially not because of his stupid uncle.

His breathing sped up when her fingertips neared his groin. His glance flashed to the side and he swallowed when she looked right into his eyes.

Suddenly she slid off the wall and came to stand between his legs. Stupid as he was, he felt so bewildered he dropped his cigarette. She smiled sweetly at him and caressed his cheek. He stared into her honey colored eyes.

"You're such a cutie, Rafi. Kim said you're a little in love with me."

His jaw dropped. How did she know? Had Mitchell told her? Indignation flared up in his chest, until she dropped the butt of her cigarette and lifted his face a bit.

"I'm a little in love with you too. You know that?"

Completely overwhelmed he shook his head. Before he could come up with a more intelligent response, he felt her soft lips on his. Instinctively he moved his hand to her face, his fingers slipping through the tiny black curls. His chest trembling when she tilted her face a little, tapping with her tongue against his lower lip. The moment he opened his mouth, she slipped inside.

It was a good thing he was sitting, otherwise he might have collapsed. His whole body felt like a giant pudding. Her fingertips glided to his neck and he sighed softly between her lips. They deepened the kiss, tinglings spreading through his body.

After a while she pulled back. Rafi felt his cheeks glow.

With shining eyes she looked at him. "You want to spend the night with me?" Her hands shoved across his thighs and he held his breath when she neared his erection. Thank god she didn't touch him, he was terrified he would cum right away.

"Ummm..." He had a hard time believing she was really offering to sleep with him. He remembered George all too well; he'd went to a girl's room once at a party. Once he was naked, she stole his clothes and ran away laughing.

She chuckled quietly. "Are you still a virgin, Rafi?"

He blushed. His ex and he had never gone further than kissing, they had been barely thirteen.

"We can do it at your place too? You'll feel more comfortable in your own bed?" She leaned into him, whispering: "Plus, we don't have to wait until the others are gone. I'll make sure Kim locks the door once they leave." Her eyes were sparkling as she looked at him again. Once more she caressed his cheek. "Or will that cause problems with your parents? They aren't super religious or something, right?"

"No," he said quickly. "They won't mind if you come with me."

Again their lips connected. This time her hand glided to the bulge in his pants and she rubbed it. Inside him lots of things were exploding, it was hot and heavy, making him groan.

Softly, she bit his lip. "You have no idea how much I want you. Ever since we met, I want to feel you inside me." He shivered when she kissed his neck, her lusty voice making him flame inside. "There was even one time I moaned your name when Dean was thrusting inside me." She giggled. "Then he broke up with me."

Rafi's mouth felt dry. He couldn't believe her, it felt like he was caught up in a fantasy. "I umm – I don't have... you know."

"No condom?"

He nodded, his cheeks flushing.

"Ask Mitchell one. He was doin' a quickie with Kim in the bathroom just a while ago." She smirked, then she leaned towards his ear. "I'll put on something special for you."

She gave him a wink and walked to the backdoor, her hips swinging. Bewildered, he watched her leave. He had to be dreaming, right?

As much as he doubted this was real, he was going to take his chances. Through the doorway he caught a glimpse of his friend, who showed him a wide grin. With his eyes, Rafi gestured him to come closer.

With his hands in his pockets Mitchell strolled towards him. Because of his massive built Rafi always felt scrawny next to him; his friend seemed to radiate all manliness making Rafi look like a twelve year old.

"Well, you finally made a move? I thought it was never going to happen."

Rafi kept to himself that he hadn't exactly done a lot. Instead, he smirked back. "Yeah... Although I hadn't planned on it. So I wondered... You got... you know?"

"I know what?" His teasing grin showed him he knew damn well what his friend meant.

He rolled his eyes. "Another condom?"

"Only a used one. Just fish it out of the trash can." He chuckled when Rafi gagged, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. "Kidding. A good friend always has an extra one." With a wink he took the condom from it and handed it to Rafi.

Quickly he shoved it into his pocket. Hopefully one was enough. He had never put such a thing around him, what if he tore it? Sure, there had to be condoms somewhere in the house but he couldn't exactly barge into the bedroom of his mom and ask E where he kept his condoms. At least he had never seen them in the bathroom.

As soon as Chelsea left the house again, his friend gave him a thumbs up and walked away. Chelsea's hand glided into his and she walked to the garden house.

"I'm going with Rafi," Chelsea said to Kim. "Will you lock the place?"

The others started to whistle and cheer and a little awkwardly Rafi grinned at them. With a squeeze Chelsea showed him she was ready to leave and they walked to his mountainbike.

"I uh... I don't have a luggage rack," Rafi said.

"Okay, then I'll get my own bike." After a quick kiss she went into the garage. His stomach was a bundle of nerves as he waited for her return. Because of the beers he'd downed he weaved over the road as they made their way to his home.

Once he was home they put their bikes in the shed. Right when he wanted to turn to the door, Chelsea gave a cry.

"Is there – is there someone sitting there?"

He turned to the side. She was right, the moon revealed a shoe. "What the fuck?"

His hand shot to the light switch and a moment later he squinted his eyes against the bright light. Glassy, bloodshed eyes stared at him. It was his uncle. His hand was clenched around an empty bottle and he stared forward as if he was dead.

"Is it a drifter?" Chelsea whispered. As if she was afraid of the man, she stepped behind Rafi.

"No, it's my uncle," he sighed. Frustrated, he raked a hand through his hair. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

"What?" Her voice sounded shrill. "Why is your uncle hiding in your shed?"

"I have no idea," he muttered. If he had been alone he might have left him there, but now Chelsea was with him he didn't want to look even more like an idiot.

He crouched down next to his uncle and shook his shoe. "Juan..."

Hearing his voice, the man squinted his eyes a little, as if he had been sleeping with his eyes open. "Oh... hi," he muttered. He rubbed his face and looked skittishly at him.

"Why are you here? We have a spare room where you can sleep..."

Juan shrugged his shoulders and stared at the empty bottle. "I'm sure Emilio's bangin' your mom right now. To find back his manliness. I'm really not in the mood to hear 'em."

His voice sounded embittered. Rafi had seen the bruises on the faces of both men; it wasn't hard to connect the dots. His mom had been lying when she told him her ex Juan and his uncle Juan were two different persons.

"Well, you can't stay here. It's cold."

"I'll survive. Sleepin' outside for days."

With a sigh he got up. _Whatever_.

He turned towards Chelsea, but the girl was still staring at Juan.

"Shouldn't you... talk to him?" she whispered. "He looks really unhappy."

Rafi suppressed a sigh. This was just unbelievable. Totally unexpected he had taken the girl he was in love with home, and now his uncle who he had never seen before today was ruining it. He however didn't want to look like some antisocial or horny teenager, so he nodded.

Grabbing her hand, he dragged her out of the shed so the man wouldn't hear them.

"Sorry," he sighed. "He just blew in today, I've never seen him before. Actually I was mad at him for showing up at our door after fifteen fucking years." He peeked through the doorway. The man stared at him with a desperate look in his eyes, as if he neither wanted Rafi to leave. Despite his anger, he couldn't just leave him like this. "I dunno if you... if you want to spend the night with me some other day," he stammered. "But maybe... maybe it's a little weird if we do it tonight."

"Yeah..." she admitted. Cupping his jaw with her hand, she brushed his cheek. "You're a sweetheart, Rafi. Family is important... and this man looks really sad. I don't want you to feel distracted while we're having sex and during your first time you should definitely not think about your drunk uncle." She chuckled softly, caressing his cheek again. "We'll do it another time, okay?"

Rafi shuffled with his feet. "Does that mean umm... that you'll find someone else to...?" Awkwardly he shrugged his shoulders. He knew they weren't in a relationship, but the thought that she would go to bed with someone else while he was cheering up his stupid uncle was too hard to handle.

She laughed lightly. "I'll survive a night without sex." She wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed a kiss to his upper lip. "Or maybe I'll play with myself while fantasizing about all the things I wanna do with you." Teasingly, she bit his lip.

Again the heat inside him flared up.

Laughing, she kissed the tip of his nose. "You're the only one I can think about in weeks, Rafi. Don't worry." She kissed him again before she looked deep into his eyes. "Maybe we can hang out tomorrow?"

"Yeah..." He kissed her back. "That would be amazing."

She offered him another smile before she went into the shed to take out her bike. "Goodbye sir. I hope you'll feel better tomorrow."

"Thank you darling." He said it with a drawl, sounding exhausted.

Rafi waited until she had left the yard and went back into the shed. Right – and what now?

"You should go after her son," Juan rambled. "Is a beautiful girl. Don't let your old man ruin it."

"It's too late now," Rafi grumbled.

Since his uncle was mistaking him for his son now, instead of his nephew, he must have lost his way pretty much. Sighing, Rafi sat down next to the man, leaning against the wall and pulling the empty bottle out of Juan's hand.

"Sorry," Juan muttered. He bent back his head and stared at the ceiling.

Rafi had no idea what to do. In the end he lit a cigarette and offered his uncle one too. Silently they smoked for a while.

"You got a wife?" Rafi asked after a while. "Kids?"

Juan didn't answer. Instead, he kept staring upwards, trapped inside thoughts that were out of Rafi's reach.

"So why are you really sittin' here?" Rafi insisted. Sitting here together in silence wasn't making sense anyway.

Juan breathed in the smoke and blew it out. "You ever kissed your best friend?"

Rafi's eyes widened. Hell – where was this coming from? "No man. I'm not gay."

"Yeah... I'm not gay either."

Rafi frowned. Even when he was hella drunk, there had to be a reason he was bringing this up, right? Or was he just raving now? "Why you ask that?"

His uncle shrugged his shoulders. "What would you do if your friend stuck his tongue down your throat? When he started to touch you?"

"Eh – Punch him in the face?"

Juan was staring blankly forward again. "Yeah. Shoulda done that. Don't know why I kissed him back man. Was all so fuckin' weird... We've been friends for fifteen fuckin' years and now he... now we..."

Slowly, it dawned on him. "What... you mean you kissed _Emilio_?"

He widened his eyes in shock. No – that was impossible! In his eyes his mother's boyfriend was the perfect example of a straight guy. The idea that his stepdad had kissed his uncle, made him feel sick. And mom... shit, it would break her heart! How could Emilio do that to her!

"You're drunk man. You're fuckin' drunk. E would never do that, you idiot. He loves my mom." Suddenly, anger was filling his chest again. "This is fuckin' sick. You're tryin' to devastate our family with your disgustin' lies! Leave us the fuck alone man! Nobody wants you around!"

Juan bent his head and stared at the ground. "I never meant to hurt anyone," he whispered. "I'm just so messed up. I don't know – I don't know who I am anymore."

To make things worse, the asshole started to cry.

"I fucked it all up. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know – I didn't know she had a kid. I didn't know I had a kid." Suddenly he snapped his head to the side and looked at Rafi, his eyes full of tears. His lips were trembling and he grabbed Rafi's hand.

Rafi swallowed. Had he ever seen a grown man cry?

"I didn't know. You gotta believe that kid. I just wanted her to be safe. Couldn't go back to her – there was no way to go back."

Feeling uncomfortable, Rafi pulled his hand away. Wobbly, he stood up. "I – I gotta go."

He had no idea what nonsense this guy was cranking out, but it caused a tight feeling in his chest. While Juan kept rambling on, Rafi left the shed and went inside.

Ten minutes later he was staring at the ceiling. Instead of lying here with the girl of his dreams, he was lying here all alone, staring at the ceiling while shreds of his uncle's mumbled words were racing through his head. Had Emilio really cheated on his mom? With his _uncle,_ for fuck's sake, with his girl's ex?! Why the hell was his uncle here after all these years and why were his mom and Emilio okay with that guy sitting drunk in their shed? He couldn't get a hold on any of this and he kept turning and tossing all night.

 **. . .**

 **I hope you liked to read something from Rafi's perspective. Would you like me to write more about him? I could give him his own story line but I also know it will make this book even bigger and maybe more complicated so please let me know what you want! :)**


	65. The Downside of Revenge

_**Hey!  
I wanted to respond to BloodForInk's latest comment and clarify this; Rafi doesn't know that Juice is his father, he believes his uncle was just raving because he was drunk. ;)**_

 _ **. . .**_

 **THE PAST**

June wasn't the type who liked changes. The first school day after the holidays was always stressful – but this time _everything_ would be different. Her group of friends had fallen apart, she had a boyfriend _and_ her face was battered and bruised. Early this morning Jordy had came over to camouflage the bruises with make-up, but her eye was still swollen and her lip wasn't healed yet.

It was awful. There was no way people wouldn't try to find a connection: the shy June who had been invisible to most students, but who was now together with a boy known by everyone while she was obviously been beaten up.

That was the reason she was in the car with Jordy now. Juan had wanted to pick her up, but June feared the conclusions everyone would draw. Somehow it felt better if she could show her bruised face before everyone would discover that she was in a relationship with Juan.

June hadn't told Jordy about Beth before last night. She had simply lacked the courage to talk about it _again_ – she knew her friend would freak out and June had to grab Jordy's wrist to keep her from storming out of the house. Even when June had told her the boys had taken care of it, it didn't calm Jordy down – she believed it was also her job to tell Beth the truth. June had literally _begged_ Jordy to leave Beth alone today, but Jordy hadn't made any promises; she had only gritted her teeth in anger.

As they rolled up the schoolyard, quite a crowd had gathered. June looked at them with a nasty feeling in the stomach – Juan had told her he'd planned to leave Beth's car here tonight, but she couldn't think of the reason why it would draw _so much_ attention. Actually June had no interest to watch the car, but Jordy hooked her arm around June's and dragged her through the crowd until they found a good spot.

Jordy started to laugh. "Dude she deserved this so much!"

June was so much in shock she couldn't say anything at all. The boys had tagged the white car indeed – but in a horrible way. It looked like an advertising vehicle for some brothel; it was painted with genitals and intimate acts. She was looking right down a face showing clear similarities with Beth's, but with a dick shoved into her mouth. 'CALL ME FOR A HOT NIGHT' was written above it, followed by Beth's name and number.

Tears were stinging in her eyes. This was – this was horrible. Tearing herself away from her friend, she rushed away, wildly wiping her eyes.

"Wait, June!"

She felt Jordy's hand on her shoulder but shook it off. "No. I wanna be alone."

Jordy looked at her a little lost, but June didn't care. She didn't understand, she'd _laughed_ about this. Quickly she increased her pace, she ran up the stairs knowing the top floor would be empty. Tears crept down her cheeks.

Once she was at the top of the staircase, she felt much and much worse. Beth had felt the same urge to flee; she was sitting on the top step, her arms wrapped around her knees while she was crying. Soothingly, Shawna was rubbing her back.

"I'm sorry," June sobbed. "Beth I'm sorry. I didn't know – I didn't know they would do this."

Beth's shoulders tensed as she heard June's voice. Slowly she looked up, hatred churning in her tearful eyes. "Go to hell. Just go fuck yourself, June. I knew this was going to happen, I knew they would ruin my life like they ruined my sister's life! The whole school called her a whore, and now they call me one too!"

Every word left her mouth more viciously and the look in her eyes was so terrifying that June grasped the banister tightly, afraid the girl would push her down.

June didn't know what more she could say. She was incredibly disappointed in Juan; did he really think it was okay to embarrass someone like this? Sobbing, she rushed past the two girls. As she caught Shawna's desperate glance, she shook her head silently. It was better if she stayed with Beth.

June headed for the classroom of her first lesson. Leaning against the wall she tried to control her breathing before her classmates would show up. She was relieved that both Juan and Jordy had other classes; she really wasn't in the mood to face them.

"Hey, you okay?" an insecure voice sounded behind her.

June turned around and was met by a boy she had never seen before. Briefly she wiped her eyes, but it was obvious that she had been crying.

He rummaged in his backpack and handed her a pack of paper towels. "Here. I've hay fever," he explained.

June managed to show a tiny shaky smile before she dabbed her eyes and blew her nose. "Sorry for this," she muttered. "I've known better mornings."

Hesitating, the boy looked at her. "You need to get it off your chest?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "It's just an argument that went out of hand." Heaving a deep sigh, she decided she didn't want to talk about herself. "You're new here?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I was stressed all morning because I was afraid I would be too late, but now I'm way too early." His smile looked a bit nervous. "I'm Erik." He held out his hand.

"June," she answered quietly, shaking his hand.

His stylish glasses enlarged his brown eyes which were expressing a friendliness she needed right now. With his brown curls he looked nice. Before her relationship with Juan she might have freaked out because of a little bit of male attention, but this time there was no nervousness. Now she had gotten used to Emilio and Mateo, all other boys looked like angels. She remembered how lost she had felt during her first day – or actually all days until Jordy had joined her during lunch, telling her she wanted to be her friend. Erik was probably not as much as a social disaster as she had been, but nevertheless it could be difficult to find your angle around here.

"You just moved to Queens?" she asked.

"No eh – I had to change schools." His cheeks flushed as he bent his head. She sensed he didn't want to talk about the reason, so she didn't insist. Instead, she asked about his holidays.

Erik was an easy talker, he told her he'd been to Texas and described all the places he had visited. More people gathered around them, but there was nobody June really knew and she felt relieved that Erik was by her side. When the door was opened by the teacher, they entered the classroom.

Erik gave her a questioning look. "You okay with me sitting next to you or are you expecting any friends?"

She shook her head. "No, I'd like that."

He smiled at her; somehow his smile cheered her up a bit. They sat down behind a desk close to the window and put their books on the table. Literature was an elective, she was very curious to it.

"Why did you choose this subject?" she asked Erik.

A blush spread across his cheeks and with the nail of thumb he scratched at a little hole in the table top. "Maybe it sounds a bit lame... but I like to write stories myself."

"You do?" she asked surprised. "That's so cool! I love to come up with stories too; I draw comics."

Not many people knew about it, but finding someone with a similar hobby called up her enthusiasm.

"Oh, that's awesome!" He smirked. "Maybe we should combine our talents one day. What genre do you prefer?"

"Eh, romantic stories," she said, slightly blushing. _About me and my boyfriend._ But she kept that to herself. "But I'd be in for something else too, I'm just not the best in coming up with very exciting tales. What genres do you write?"

"I'm working on a thriller right now, but I'd also like to do something adven–"

"Fuck off, four-eyes," a rough voice interrupted him.

Erik looked up in shock, and June also turned her head to the side. Her stomach cringed when Emilio looked down on them, his glance shooting daggers at the new boy.

When Erik was too overwhelmed to respond, Emilio grabbed him by the neck of his shirt and pulled him on his feet. "You deaf? I said: fuck off." With his dark look still aimed at the poor guy, he swiped Erik's books off the table.

With a red face Erik started to pick them up while he looked skittishly at June. She gave him an apologetic glance, where after he quickly walked away to the other side of the room.

"What was that about?" June asked annoyed. "There are plenty of other seats left."

"Not next to you." He smirked at her. "Who the hell was that loser?"

"Maybe you should have asked him instead of sending him away."

Emilio chuckled. "Girl my homie gave some good lessons in talkin' smart huh? I was afraid havin' classes with you would bore me to death but I think this can be fun." He slumped down on his chair, his knee touching hers. Annoyed, she moved her leg to the side.

She really had no interest in working together on projects, but he knew that damn well and there was no point in telling him.

"You saw our work of art? Fuck – she cried like baby when she saw it." He leaned back in his chair, flashing her a wide grin. "C'mon Junie, where's your smile? You're poutin' cuz I chased that dumbshit away? You're taken now girl, I won't allow some prick eyein' up on my homie's girl – not even when it's a geek."

"We were just talking," she answered. "If I wanted him to leave, I would have told him. Not everyone is as pushy as you."

Her words didn't change anything about the annoying smirk on his lips. "I'm just bein' a good friend."

June rolled her eyes and looked around. To make matters worse, Beth was sitting in the same room, staring at her as if she couldn't wait to drink her blood. Sighing she rubbed her eyes. What a nightmare.

"What are you doing here anyway?" she wondered. "What books do you read?"

"Only things I read are porn magazines," he smirked. "But I figured only the biggest nerds would go to this class, so they might need a bit of sex education."

Sighing, she aimed her attention to the teacher. When would he start? The man looked nervous – she had no doubts that Emilio's words made him panic.

Ignoring Emilio wasn't much of a solution either, he really needed no conversationalist. "I made a bet with the guys. Gimme all fifty bucks if I'd do this class – so that's five hundred bucks. Have to pass it tho, but I see enough eggheads who can do my homework."

June stared at him in disbelief. "You picked your classes based on _bets_?!"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't care about school anyway, all classes are boring as fuck. But a bit more money won't hurt."

June raised her eyebrows. "You're sure you get that money? It's not like you take those bets very seriously; you were supposed to wear a dress today. What's the point of starting bets if you don't dare to face the consequences anyway?"

He squinted his eyes. "You think I wouldn't _dare_ to wear a dress?"

"You proved that today, right?"

"We were so busy with the car I hadn't thought about it," he answered with a grim face.

"Sure... Well you can wear one tomorrow."

"Fine. Whatever."

June aimed her attention at the teacher, who had finally found the courage to start. To Emilio, she didn't talk during the rest of class.

* * *

After class, June walked over to Erik. During their first conversation they had discovered that their schedule was practically the same, and to her relief she saw Emilio leave into another direction.

"Sorry for that," she sighed, lifting her bag a little higher.

"Is he your boyfriend or something?"

June cringed at the thought. "No, he's my boyfriend's best friend. Apparently he believes it's his duty to keep all other boys away from me."

Later she would tell Juan to say something about it to Emilio, she _really_ didn't want to spend so much time with that guy. Right now however she was too angry with Juan to talk to him.

At their first break, she didn't go to his group of friends; not even when she noticed that Jordy had joined them. Together with Erik she sat down on the other side of the lunchroom, her back towards the small group.

"So... what happened to your face?" Erik asked after a while; it had taken him almost all morning to gather the courage to ask the question.

June opened a juice box and shoved the straw between her lips. It hurt a little. "It's a long story. And –"

The chair next to her was shoved backwards and Juan flopped down on it. "Why you sittin' here?" he asked. Suspiciously, his eyes flashed to Erik.

"Erik is new."

"So? You really need to be the only one keepin' him company?"

"Yeah, before Emilio tries to throw him on the floor again." She ripped open the package of her snack.

"June..." Sighing, his hand glided to hers but she pulled it away.

"I think what you did to Beth's car is disgusting. You would just tag it a bit, and not..." Desperate, she shook her head. "Is saw her cry. She hates me even more now and even Shawna..."

"Jordy believes she deserves it," Juan insisted stubbornly. "And so do I. C'mon June, why can't she cry but can you? She beat the shit out of you. You were in tears when you told me how she told you that she hoped my brother would rape you and that you would cut your wrists! What friend does something like that! For real June – when are you going to stop protecting her?!"

June flinched as she heard his words. Suddenly she remembered Erik was still at their table. What would he think of her now? She didn't even dare to look at him anymore.

Sighing, Juan got up. "You know, figure it out yourself. I don't regret what I did. Maybe you should ask yourself what you would have done in my place, if someone I called a friend would tell me to kill myself and get raped. I've tried to solve this without using violence, but as it seems it's never good enough for you; whatever I do."

June stared at the table top as he walked out on her. Tears were stinging in her eyes. She had been nervous about this first day of school – but never had she expected to be in a fight with pretty much everyone she cared about. Although she had never skipped classes before, she felt really sick now.

"Sorry," she apologized to Erik. "I really don't feel well."

She would tell the coordinator and her mother that she was still bothered by her concussion. Without adding another word, she shoved back her chair and left the lunchroom.

* * *

Juan had pictured their first day at school completely different; at least not with June sitting angry at another table with some guy he didn't know. He caught the questioning glances of his friends, but he pretended not to see them while stuffing his sandwiches into his mouth.

Everyone else though they'd done an amazing thing. Most of the work was done by Emilio, his brother and Riley – the girl had surprised him with her drawing skills – and if he was honest, it was a long time ago they'd had so much fun. Yeah, things had been a little ruder than he had meant to, but every time he looked at June's bruises he believed his action was justified. Why couldn't she see it? Sure – he had known that she wouldn't like it, but he'd never expected her to be so angry she didn't want to be around him anymore.

With a mopey face he headed for the next class. He had seen her leave the lunch room a while ago, but he wasn't going to follow her like some good puppy. He would see her in class.

However, once Emilio and he sat down in their usual corner, she was still not there. Jordy sat down behind the desk before them, saving a place for June, but when class started she was still absent. He couldn't remember she had ever been too late, except for the time they had both been late, and he glanced at his phone. No text. He leaned over the table.

"You heard anything from her?" he asked Jordy, his voice tense.

She checked her phone too, then she shook her head. Biting his lip, Juan looked around the classroom while feeling a pit in his stomach. History wasn't a new subject; their class consisted of the same people as last year.

"Beth's not here either," he concluded. Immediately his stomach cringed. Oh no – what if that crazy whore had done something to June _again?_ If he was once again the reason that she was hurting?! Suddenly feeling sick, he got up and wriggled himself between Emilio and the wall.

"What are you going to do, mister Ortiz?" The teacher had already started his introduction, but Juan didn't care. "Mister Ortiz?"

Juan ignored the man and headed for the door. Quick footsteps followed him, where after the teacher addressed the same question to mister Sanchez. The moment he closed the door behind him, the walls were spinning around him. Again he saw flashes of June's injuries, complemented with more gruesome fantasies; her bleeding body somewhere in the gutter and...

"Hey, we'll find her. Calm down." Jordy's soft arms slipped around him, holding him tight. "I'm sure we'll find her. Come on Juan, there's no reason to panic. Maybe the two are just talking things out."

A pang went through his chest, making his eyes squeeze. Whatever the two would be doing right now; he was hundred percent sure they weren't talking.

Juan turned away from her, feeling ashamed because it was a girl who was comforting him. However, his head was a chaos; he had no idea what to do.

Jordy pressed her phone against her ear and Juan's heart sunk when June didn't answer.


	66. Love Me

**THE PAST**

Her pencil shoved across the paper. Thoughtlessly; those were no deliberate lines. Only after ten minutes she recognized the scene. It was Jordy's bedroom, with the large windows of which the curtains were waving in the wind, and the king size bed on which four girls were lying, surrounded by magazines full of quizzes. A tear glided down her cheek. She knew the four of them would never sit on that bed again. The damage that was done today, could never be repaired. Beth would never forgive her. Her words kept circling around June's head; that June had destroyed her friend's life. The drop landed upon the paper, leaving a stain. She wiped below her eyes and flinched as she touched a bruise. Staring at the sketch, she saw details nobody else would see, things that only existed in her head, being part of a memory.

Quick footsteps ascended the stairs, tearing her out of her thoughts. She had barely turned around when the door flew open and Juan stormed into her room. He cursed when he saw her. "I thought she did something to you again! Why don't you pick up your phone?! I called you a hundred times?!"

"It's on silent..." she said a bit overwhelmed. "Because of the classes."

Juan lowered himself on her lap, pulling her in his arms. She whimpered because of all the bruises he put pressure on, but he didn't hear her and buried his face in the crook of her neck. "I thought she got you again because of me. That – that you got hurt again because of me. You didn't show up in class and neither did Beth and I thought... I thought..." His breathing faltered and a warm drop fell on her neck. She shivered.

"Nothing happened, Juan," she answered softly. His panic made her anger crumble. Cautiously she pushed him off her because it really started to hurt and she didn't want him to feel bad about it later; then she got up and wrapped her arms around him.

"I would never forgive myself if something happened to you," he muttered. "This time it really would have been my fault. Not for a moment I thought that she might be willing to take revenge on you but now – now I'm scared she will. I'm sorry June. I'm sorry."

Oddly enough, June hadn't thought about her own safety at all. The only thing on her mind, had been how awful Beth must feel. "She would never..." Her voice trailed off. She would never _what_? Beat her up? She had already done that. And for what? Only because she wanted to see Juan's brother after his release from prison. Beth had lost her mind because of something like that, what would she do now she believed that June had destroyed her life?

Juan caught her glance, his brown eyes were wide and full of sorrow. "You finally realize how crazy she is? Why I –why I had to do something?"

She tore her glance away from him and stared at the floor. Her shoulders slumped. "I don't want you to hurt anyone because of me. Vengeance never helped anyone. You feel better now, now you've seen her tears?"

"Actually I do," he answered stubbornly. He sighed, grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the bed. Once they sat down, he wrapped his arms around her. "You remember that nightmare, after that fight between Mateo and my mom?"

"Hard to forget," she muttered. The nightmare had returned many times, she however didn't understand why he brought it up now.

"Well imagine that really happened. That my mom slammed _my head_ against the sink. Just like that, without a reason. Would you wish for no one to intervene? Would you wish that Mateo would turn his head the other way?"

"No," she whispered. "Of course not. I don't even blame Mateo for what he did to you mom. Not really, I think."

He lifted her chin so she was forced to look him in the eye. "It hurt, didn't it? When you heard what my mom said about me? When she beat the shit outta me in your nightmare? Well – what Beth said to you and what she did to you afterwards hurts me too. A lot." Tears shimmered in his eyes. Very lightly, his fingertips stroked the injuries of her face. "Someone who does this to a friend without a reason, doesn't deserve to have friends. It's better for everyone's safety if they give that bitch a wide berth. She's insane, June. She's a fucking lunatic. And you know what's even worse? That there's not a shred of remorse inside her for what she did to you. All she sees is her own pain, and it's never been any different."

June dropped her eyes. Everything he said sounded so logical, so why did it feel so wrong? "There was no need to humiliate her _that much_."

"Ah c'mon June! They will throw some insults to her for a couple of weeks, then there's no fun in it anymore. Yeah, she feels like shit but it's not forever! If she loses friends it isn't because of us, it's because of her own behavior. She's toxic June, she sucks you dry like a fucking parasite! Sometimes you meet people you gotta let go. Why are you clinging so much to her? Ever since we spoke for the first time, she treats you like shit and that's for almost six months now! Is it because you feel pity, since she has no one else? That's not your problem, June. It might even be good for her; feeling lonely. Maybe she'll finally ask herself _why_ nobody likes to be around her."

June heaved a sigh. She had no idea what to answer. Instead, she laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She had a headache. Juan laid down on his side next to her, one elbow propped up to support his head. With his other hand he took his phone from his pocket and started to type. "Gotta send Jordy and E a text," he explained. "They're also lookin' for you."

"Are they skipping school because of me? On their first day?"

Juan showed her a grin. He tossed his phone to the side and slipped his hand underneath her shirt, carefully, until it settled on her stomach. "Double dating in detention. Can't think of a more romantic beginning of this semester."

"It's not a good sign, me skipping school on our first day of school as a couple."

He chuckled softly. "As long as my good girl won't turned into a crazy wild chick, I'm fine with it." His lips found a sensitive spot in her neck and she closed her eyes. Heat gathered in her stomach when he started to suck her skin.

"Don't you think a hickie is going to contribute to the wild chick image?"

She felt him smirk against her skin. "Gotta show the world somehow that you're mine until I've saved enough money to buy you a ring, right? I kinda like the idea of a permanent hickie."

He leaned over her, carefully burying her with small kisses. At every spot receiving his love, the pain faded – although his words could also be the reason. "I bet you're the only sixteen year old boy who thinks about things like that."

"About what things, June?" With a smirk, he looked down on her. "What kind of ring do you think I'm talkin' about?"

Her cheeks started to flush, making his grin wider.

He took her hand, pulled it to his lips and pressed a kiss on her left ring finger. "One day, I'm gonna shove a ring around this finger." He repeated the act with her other hand. "And not much later around this one."

Tinglings spread through her fingers. She sat up a bit, stroking his cheek. "I love you, Juan Carlos," she said as their eyes locked. "I love you so much it scares me sometimes."

His hand raked through her hair, his fingertips slightly scraping her scalp, making it tickle. "I love you too, sweet June. And I know I always will. Every time I look at you, every time I touch you, every time I taste your lips... I know that you are everything I ever longed for and everything I will ever long for."

Again, his words made her blush. His fingers left her hair and caressed her neck and her side, before he moved them upwards again, spreading them loosely across her breast. He sighed softly. "I want to touch you so badly but I'm afraid to hurt you."

"You actually make me forget about the pain, every time I feel your lips."

He looked her. "You're serious?"

She nodded shyly.

"Only on your face?"

She shrugged her shoulders, her cheeks turning red. She longed for his lips on the rest of her body, but at the same time she hadn't even dared to look at the bruises on her own body, let alone that she wanted Juan to see the battlefield.

"I guess it's not so nice to look at," she muttered.

"In my eyes you are always beautiful, June. Whatever color your skin has." His hand glided to her neck and he kissed her tenderly. Again the wound in her lip stung. She tried to ignore the pain, but when the kiss became more passionate, she whimpered. Juan pulled back his face immediately, leaning with his forehead against hers. His eyes were sad.

"I hate her," he whispered. "I hate her so much."

The lines of his face became harder, a darkness crept into her eyes, causing a pang in her chest.

"Don't hate," she answered quietly. "It will turn your heart cold. Love. Love me, Juan."

She sat up straight. Pain flashed through her rib cage, but she gritted her teeth. With difficulty she pulled her shirt over her head. Skittishly she peeked at her pale skin. It was a battlefield of blue, green and purple bruises, especially at the left side of her chest and around her right hip. She laid down again. Juan's glance was glued to her body, his jaw clenched.

"Don't hate," she repeated. "Love me."

He tore his glance away from the bruises and looked her in the eye. Then he nodded. His fingers caressed the unharmed parts of her stomach and he leaned over her. First he kissed her collarbone. She hadn't been able to wear a bra, and even though her breasts had been spared from Beth's fury, he kissed them just as cautiously. She closed her eyes as he sucked her nipple while his thumb glided back and forth on the lower part of her breast. It felt different from all the times he'd done it before; he was always tender but this time his touches were fragile and the fact that he was so concerned, made her sigh in bliss. His lips descended further down, across her bruised ribs. The pressure of his lips lessened even more, it felt like butterfly wings were fluttering across her skin. Now and then he sucked her unharmed skin; his breathing getting heavier and heavier as he neared her waist. His warm tongue traced the line above her waistband and she bit her lip.

She looked down on him. His lips had found her bruised hip. The touch of his lips hurt a bit, but not that much that she wanted him to stop. His fingers moved to her button. He unbuttoned her pants and pulled them down a bit. The pain made her groan when she lifted her hips off the bed to help him take her pants off, and with a worried glance in his eyes he looked up to her.

Her hesitating smile probably looked like a painful grimace, but it seemed to ease him nevertheless.

"You should wear a sweatpants," he said. On his knees he carefully peeled her pants down. "Damn baby..." He stared at the dark red lacy panties that she was wearing. It was a new one, she had bought some underwear that was a little more exciting than her regular black panties, and she'd put it on this morning in some dumb attempt to feel more attractive. His fingertips stroked the red flower motives between which her skin was a bit visible. The legs were super short; just enough to take her groins from sight.

"You like it?" she asked quietly.

"Hell yeah." He moved his lips to her ear and whispered: "I can let you feel how much I like it?" His eyes searched for hers. A smirk crossed his lips. He looked confident in a way making her blood boil, but she could also feel his nervousness.

"Okay," she said softly.

His jaw dropped a bit, as if he hadn't expected that answer and had just meant to tease her. "Okay?" he repeated, almost in disbelief. "You – you wanna feel me?"

Her breathing increased, making the pain in her ribs worse. "Yes," she whispered. "Yes I want to feel you."

His cheeks turned flaming red. With his knees on both sides of her body he shoved back until he was above her waist. He unbuckled his belt and untied his pants. His pants glided down his narrow hips immediately, revealing gray boxers with a blue band on top showing the words Calvin Klein. June had the feeling lava was blown through her veins when she saw the long form sticking out. Lifting her hand, she laid it against the underside, close to his body which was surprisingly soft. Then she pulled back her hand, her fingertips stroking the underside of his penis. Halfway her hand stilled and she folded her fingers around him, making Juan gasp for breath. His manhood was firm and hard, and quite large. The thought that it had to fit inside her one day, scared her a bit.

She looked up to him. His eyes were stormy, filled with longing and anticipation. Contrary to the first time, he didn't ask her to put her hand into his boxers. She was grateful. She sat up a little straighter, ignoring the pain and moving her hand to the upper side. With her fingertips she traced the entire form. However, when the pain in her ribs became too much to bear because she was leaning forward too much, she laid down again.

The pain must radiate from her face, for Juan caressed her cheek and kissed her forehead. "And?" He asked quietly, his voice nervous. "Was it what you'd hoped for?"

June didn't know what to answer, it wasn't like she'd had any expectations of his manhood. Until today the longing to touch him there had never been there.

"It's big," she said. Her voice sounded shaky. He started to smirk; June didn't know much about boys but she knew they liked to hear that. "I just... I just hope it won't hurt too much. When we – when we're going to do it."

"It won't," he promised. "I will be very gentle and careful. You know that baby." He crawled back a little. "But that's for later. Right now, I'm not done with all the bruises." His glance glided across her body until he discovered a purple bruise on her right femur. A moment later his lips covered it; he pressed countless small kisses against her skin, spreading such a pleasant warmth she closed her eyes again. None of her physical discomfort reached her brain now; all she was aware of, were his healing lips.

His warmth reached up to her hip again. Slowly, his tongue glided across her hipbone, right above the elastics of her panties. She opened her eyes as his fingertips curled around it, pulling down the fabric so he could trace the whole bruise. Slowly, his lips shoved further down until he had exposed all of her hip. Her pubic region was still covered, but the thought alone about his lips there made the heat flare up. A strange sense of disappointment waved over her when he pulled up her panties again. His kisses however didn't end; he started to kiss the lace and around the flowers she thought to feel his lips directly on her skin. At the same time his fingers brushed the inside of her thigh, higher and higher up to her groin. She held her breath. He continued, his fingers caressing the soft elevations, moving up and down. His middle finger rested upon the most sensitive part and when he softly pressed against it, he elicited a moan from her lips. Her muscles contracted and unconsciously she tilted her pelvis. His lips descended further down, where more embroidered figures took everything from sight, reducing the heat of his lips.

"I wanna kiss you June, I wanna kiss you everywhere." His voice sounded hoarse, full of longing. "Also here."

June wanted it too. She wanted to forget about everything, so all she would feel were his lips and tongue. Still she hadn't forgotten about the words she had spoken to him, that night after the fight between Mateo and his mother. She had told him distraction was no reason to move to the next stage – and they'd already taken the next step today. Just like she hadn't wanted Juan's mother to besmirch their relationship, she neither wanted Beth to do it.

Juan knew her well enough not to mistake her silence for permission. Instead, he kissed his way up until he reached her lips. For a moment his face hung above hers as he looked her in the eye. "But I also want you to be able to arch your back in pleasure without feeling pain, when I'm licking and kissing and sucking your beauty down there, especially the first time. So I think we should save it for later."

His words made her gasp for breath. Twinkles danced in his eyes like that was exactly the response he had counted on. The idea that he would really do those things, made her go crazy with nervousness.

"I – I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

He chuckled softly. "Oh you were damn ready for it baby. You're so fucking wet, and fuck – I want to taste you so badly." His hand glided between her legs again, putting pressure to that same sensitive spot. Only now, she felt how the fabric was sticking to her skin.

June felt so super hot she was afraid the bed would flood with her sweat. Was she really ready? Maybe her body was, but was she? Mentally? She had the feeling she wanted to save herself a little longer – or maybe she was just afraid he wouldn't like the taste at all, or that she would disappoint him in other ways – or that she didn't like it herself to feel his lips in such an intimate place...

He pulled back his hand and stroked her cheek, uncertainty returning to his eyes. "Did I go too far?"

She dropped her eyes.

"June... don't look away. Did I go too far? I gotta know when I do things you don't like."

Skittishly she looked up. Suddenly, she felt like a real drama queen. "No, you didn't go too far," she said quietly. "But eh... I think we went far enough for today. I – I'm just afraid I want things for the wrong reasons. So I... so I don't think about my pain and – and my broken friendship. It's like... It's a bit like the first time you stayed the night with me. Now I see what kind of distraction you were looking for. But I – I still agree with what I said that day."

"Okay," he answered. This time he didn't sound disappointed. He laid down on his side next to her, draping an arm around her stomach and kissing her shoulder. "I get that. We don't have to go further now." Again he pressed his lips against her skin. "I can wait. Wait as long as you want. Yeah, I desperately want all of you – but what I want even more, is you wanting it desperately."

She caressed his jaw. "I love you so much it feels like that word lost its meaning. I just... I just can't put my feelings for you into words."

He leaned closer to her, until the distance between their lips had disappeared.

"You don't have to," he whispered. "I know exactly how you feel."

And then he kissed her again, so tender she felt the happiest girl on Earth, despite all her injuries.


	67. Mateo's First Time

**This is a bit of a bonus chapter, but I was in the mood to write a chapter about Mateo. (:**

 **The Past**

Mateo pressed a bill in the girl's hands and showed her the door. Returning to the living room, he dropped down on the couch and switched on the tv. Even before he could find an interesting channel, the door swung open. At first he thought the girl had forgotten something, but it turned out to be his mom.

"You're now invitin' whores at broad daylight?" she snapped.

"I invite whores whenever the hell I want," he answered indifferently.

Not that the girl had been a hooker; he had hired a cleaner. Juan was getting stressed when their place was messy or filthy and now he had to go to school again, Mateo didn't want him to waste the few free hours he still had on cleaning and tidying up the place. Especially now he was home himself, he didn't want to leave it to his younger brother. He however hated to clean, so why not hiring some bitch to do it?

His mom however didn't need to know the truth. It was more fun to let her believe that her house was turning into a brothel. It was a miracle that she'd came home in the first place, usually she simply turned around the moment she found him inside the house.

"Can't you find a more useful purpose for your life than banging whores? What about finding a job, a home? It's time you get outta here. I don't even dare to invite someone over because of my insane son."

Mateo lifted the corner of his mouth. He lit a cigarette, just to annoy her. "Feelin' ashamed of your kid?"

"I do!" she snapped. "I should've had a fucking abortion!"

He smirked. "You mean your mama should've had a fucking abortion."

Contrary to his little brother, remarks like these didn't hurt him anymore. As long as he remembered, she told him that he was worthless and too stupid to do anything, and once he'd gone to high school her words had only became harsher. He didn't care. Her hatred had turned him into the person he was now; nobody could make him ever feel small, he always made the best of the situation he was in and he'd always stood up for himself. When Juan had grown older, also becoming a victim of her critics, he hadn't been able to deal with it like his brother did. Because of his OCD his mother's words kept racing through his head, attaching themselves to his brain, eating his confidence, and after a few panic attacks Mateo had tried to shift his mother's attention to himself. He had succeeded. He knew his mother hated him from the depths of her rotten soul and that she couldn't wait until he would disappear from her life for good, but something told him she wouldn't give up Juan that easily.

Mateo blew a cloud of smoke in her direction. "Calm down Mom. I've done some surfing on the internet indeed; watched some apartments, found some vacancies."

Suspiciously she raised her eyebrows; she knew very well he wasn't trying to make her relax.

"I'm gonna look at some apartments next weekend. Found a really nice one, a three room apartment with a large balcony, close to both June and E..."

"You tellin' me you want to take your brother with you?!"

"What else did you expect? You're never around and even when you are, you're always whinin'."

"You can't take my son from me!"

He started to laugh. "What? He's your son now? A son whose birthday you don't even celebrate, a son who you've never given a present, never given _a kiss_?" He leaned back in the couch, enjoying the sight of her angry face. "I see why you want him to stay here. So the neighbors ain't gonna ask difficult questions, huh? So you don't have to explain to your fancy friends why none of your children want to live at your place. Cause that would be a nightmare huh? The world discoverin' what a shitty mother you are?"

She stared at him, hatred churning in her eyes. He wondered what she would do; throwing the nearest vase at his head or spitting every curse she knew at him.

She went for the last option.

Mateo turned up the volume of the tv and fixed his attention on the screen while his mother was starting her rant. Only when the door was slammed shut, he looked to the side. She wasn't going to come back tonight, he thought, feeling satisfied. Good. As long as he hadn't his own place to live, it was best for everyone if she spent the nights with her fling.

He hadn't told Juan that he was looking for an apartment, nor that he wanted his brother to move in with him. Back in the day he would have done so immediately, but after his mother's insinuations he was still afraid that she had poisoned Juan's mind during the time he spent in prison. Who knows what that bitch had hissed at him the past weeks. Negative thoughts always got stuck in his head. The accusations of that bitch echoed around in his own head with times, so there was no doubt the same went for Juan. Maybe he didn't feel safe around him anymore; he was too short at home to decide how much their relationship had changed, and even when Juan agreed, he was hundred percent sure his mother would use her sharp tongue to convince him their relationship wasn't healthy. The thought that Juan might not want to live with him because of that lie, hurt. Their close friendship had always meant a lot to him, especially since he was abandoned by his father, hated by his mother and he'd never gotten along that well with his sister. The thought that his mother was trying to fuck this up for them too, filled him with a sickening rage.

* * *

The anger kept coursing through his veins until Juan came home. He smiled as he entered the living room, making the corners of Mateo's mouth curl up too.

"Hey kid. That was a long first day of school." He winked at his brother, assuming he'd had dinner at June's and he appreciated the fact that Juan had come home at all.

"Well, not really," he answered, flopping down on the couch next to him. "After lunch, June was gone and I went looking for her."

Mateo lifted his eyebrows; he didn't take June for a girl who skipped a lot of school.

"Was she okay?" He assumed she was, if his brother hadn't found her he would have called hours ago.

"Yeah." He sighed. "She was really pissed when she saw Beth's car."

Mateo rolled his eyes, although he wasn't surprised.

"When she didn't show up in class and neither did Beth, I thought that Beth had hurt her again. But it turned out that she'd just gone home."

Mateo knew Juan well enough to know that the fear must have paralyzed his brain. "That whore's never gonna touch her again, little brother. I made sure of that, told 'er I'd tattoo her body with the images at her car if she ever does."

Juan's eyes went wide in disbelief. "What... How...? Would you really do that?"

"You don't have to know everything all the time kid," he winked. "But June's mad now?"

"No we've worked it out, when I compared the situation to the shit with mom she finally understood."

"Good. So how was she? In a lot of pain?"

"Yeah she was,' he muttered. His cheeks turned red. "But she told me she felt better when... when I kissed the bruises."

Mateo started to laugh. "Smooth. You think she finally wants to fuck anytime soon?"

"I dunno, I hope so. We did go a little further today." Juan looked briefly at him before he bent his head.

"What is it?" he asked as he noticed that Juan wanted to say something but didn't dare to.

"I wondered if... if... if you got any tips. For the first time."

Mateo smirked. He kicked Juan's shoe when his brother kept staring at the floor. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, bro. Well... At least find a place where you feel both comfortable." He thought about his own first time and chuckled. "And where nobody can walk in. And umm... I dunno, take your time? Knowing you, she has to feel comfortable before you will, so just tease her until she's soaking wet and do some easy position... just her layin' on her back and you on top. Guess she wants you to take the lead, so ask her if she likes what you do, or if there are certain things she'd like you to try." He lifted the corner of his mouth. "But believe me, you'll know what to do when the time is right. That's what you did up to now too, right?"

"Yeah," he muttered. "I'm just scared to hurt her."

"It will hurt a little. Just take it easy, let her get used to your dick inside her before you start to move. And if it hurts, it might help to put a pillow underneath her, or if she bends her knees."

He always got a kick out of fucking a virgin, but as long as he could convince them that he knew what he was doing and didn't go too rough, everything was fine.

"Okay." Juan was silent for a while, as if he wanted to memorize the tips. "How old were you? When you did it for the first time?"

"Fourteen."

Juan looked at him. "How was it? I mean, with who? On a party or something?"

His brother's curiosity made him smirk. "Her name was Liv and she was two classes above me. Was a nice girl. Reddish brown hair, freckled face, the greenest eyes I've ever seen..."

He leaned back, calling up the memories of his first times.

* * *

By now, Mateo had his usual routine when he had to swipe the school. It happened at least once a week; he got late a few days in a row, was thrown out of class or one wanted him to have detention for whatever shitty reason, at the same time making him useful by saving money on cleaners. In the beginning Mateo had hated it, until he noted that he wasn't the only one who was screwed every fucking week.

"I'm starting to think you _want_ detention so you can just hang out with me."

Suddenly Liv showed up next to him. They had talked a few times, and he had absolutely watched her a few times. Especially when she bent over when she was using dustpan and brush. She had one of the nicest asses he'd ever seen, and the sight of it made an hour of detention totally worth it.

"You or me?" he asked with a grin.

She lifted the corner of her mouth, holding his glance. "I can think of something more fun to do?" She bit her lip.

Mateo leaned on the broomstick, leaning a little closer to her heart shaped face. "You do? What are you thinkin' doll?"

"I can show you?" She moved her eyebrows up and down. Her fingers glided around his wrist and she dragged him to the store room. Her fingers found the light switch and a light bulb started to shine.

"You've done this before?" he asked after closing the door behind him.

"With my boyfriend," she chuckled. "But he graduated last year. We didn't break up yet... but we will soon." Her fingers hooked through his belt loops and she looked him right in the eye. "Does that bother you?"

He smirked. "Does it look like it bothers me?"

To stress his words, he pressed his lips against hers. Eagerly she kissed him back, pushing him against the wall. A broom pressed against his back but it was easy to ignore once the kiss got hotter.

"Fuck," he grunted when her teeth scraped his neck while she sucked, kissed and bit his skin. At the same time he felt how her hand was palming his crotch. Not that he needed a lot of teasing, he was already fucking horny.

"Yeah? You like this Ortiz?"

He groaned as she squeezed his dick. His hands glided underneath her shirt, her skin felt supple and warm, and he felt how her breathing sped up as he unclasped her bra and started to massage her breasts. Her teeth dug into his bottom lip as she tugged on it.

Fuck – she was so hot. He couldn't believe this was happening to him on an ordinary school day. Lifting his hand, he raked his fingers through her reddish brown hair hanging down until halfway her neck. His tongue dominated hers again, with his right hand he cupped her breast, tugging at her nipple. She moaned into his mouth. As he tugged a little harder, she bit his lip, looking up to him.

"How old are you?" she asked, softly panting.

"You know how old I am." He lifted his eyebrows. "You thought I was going to lie? That I was scared you didn't want to kiss a fourteen year old?"

"We've done the kissing now," she answered. "You're a virgin, Ortiz?"

"What do you think," he huffed.

She kept his glance, tilting her head. "That will be a yes."

 _Fuck._

"You ever got your dick sucked?"

He hesitated. If he would say no – would she offer him a blow job?

Her fingers danced across his jaw. "You want me to blow you, Ortiz? You wanna feel my lips around your cock, my tongue tracing the slit on the head?"

Mateo's eyes went wide. She chuckled softly while she kept pressing her lips briefly against his.

"Ask me," she whispered. "Ask me to blow you and I will."

His breathing got stuck in his throat. Was she serious or not? Or would she cry out in laughter once he asked the question?

"Blow me," he said shortly, his voice tense.

"That's not a question, sweetie."

He said nothing. Instead, he stared at her, as if he could force her on her knees by his glare. Of course he couldn't; her eyes were shining because of the position she was in.

Her hands started to fidget with his button, a second later his pants dropped down. Without hesitation she pulled down his boxers as well, so his erection was jumping up, giving away how badly he wanted her.

Her fingers slightly brushed his hard cock and he sucked in his breath.

"Ask me."

As he kept silent stubbornly, she folded her hand around his dick and started to jerk him off. Her touch made him feel dizzy, and breathing became more difficult when her tongue found entrance to his mouth again.

She was obviously only teasing him; when he wanted her to move her hand faster, she moved slower and when he wanted to tighten her grasp around his dick, she even pulled back her hand.

Laughing lightly, she pulled his shirt over his head. Before he could do the same with hers, she kissed the dimple below his neck. From there she kissed her way down until she reached his pubic region. When she stopped, he laid a hand on her head to keep her there. She chuckled softly.

"All you have to do is ask. Why is that so hard for you?"

Actually he had no idea. It just felt stupid, asking for a blowjob. Like he was begging her; his ego was too big for that.

"You're sure you don't want to feel my lips wrapped around that beauty? Okay, then we should go back cleaning." Pouting, she looked up to him.

His jaw tensed. No – damn, now he wanted her.

"Blow me," he repeated. He just couldn't turn the words into a question. "Please."

"That's better. But it's still no question." Her hands disappeared underneath her shirt, most likely to fasten her bra. Then she turned away from him, leaving him with his leaking and throbbing cock.

"Liv..." he said before she reached the door.

She turned around, triumph glowing in her eyes.

Still he gave in, intending he would let _her_ beg the next time.

"Could you suck my dick?"

For a moment he thought that she would shake her head in laughter, but she turned around. "Yeah, I could." She knelt in front of him. "Am I your first, Mateo?"

He wished she would simply start and shut the hell up, and with a grunt and a nod he admitted that she was his first.

"That turns me on..." she said softly, getting down on her knees.

* * *

"The next Monday we did it in the same storage room," he told Juan. He smirked. "If they'd known how many times I had sex in that room, they would have closed it forever. My first time... was hot. She knew what she was doing, making me believe I was the one in charge but deep down I knew it was her. Unfortunately we were both so loud we attracted the attention of the janitor and he barged into the room before one of us was finished." The memory made him smirk. "The guy was close to his seventies, chasing us away with a broomstick while my pants were still around my ankles. Man, we laughed so hard. The week after I stole the key of the room making sure it was never going to happen again."

A smirk crossed Juan's lips. "In the storage room... I can't believe it."

"The one closest to the gym," he answered. "I think I still got that key, the thing proved itself very useful. You can have it."

Juan started to laugh. "You really think I'll ever get June to do it _at school_?"

"Small chance," Mateo admitted. "But who knows which dirty little fantasies she has. Or else you give it to E, he knows what to do with it."

"He's not banging fellow students."

"He will if I give him that key and tell him to use it." He smirked, knowing Emilio looked up to him and would even jump off a bridge if Mateo would tell him to do so.

"Maybe you're right," Juan admitted. He took the pack of cigarettes from the table and lit one. "You never regretted it? To have your first time with... someone you had no feelings for?"

"Nah. I love sex. I don't care with which girl." He winked at Juan. "But it's great that you want to give yourself to someone you really love. That's very special, little brother. I have no doubts that sex is even better when you're both in love. So yeah, I do envy you a little," he smirked. "I'm sure your first time will be better than mine. You're just a lucky bastard with such a beautiful and sweet girl who has only eyes for you."

Juan's usual blush returned to his cheeks. "Yeah, I'm really lucky."

"You deserve an angel like her. As for me – I rather have a rebellious little devil," he chuckled.

"You still see Liv ever?"

He shook his head. "Never saw her again after she graduated. We did it for quite some time, but we were never exclusive and there were months we didn't touch each other." He shrugged his shoulders. "But sometimes it just happened. Those were great times, that's for sure."

The smile on his lips became a nostalgic one. It felt like ages ago that he had graduated, instead of one year ago. Sometimes he missed it; the simplicity of school. Now he had to find a new job, a new home... and that was tough with a criminal record. The past years he had found his own ways to earn some big money, but to keep up appearances he needed a legal job too... And the jobs he liked... well there weren't many. Not that he mourned the loss of his job as a pizza deliverer – although at times it had been useful to deliver some extra packages here and there – but he was in for something new anyway. He just didn't know what.

* * *

 **Hey all! I've started a new Juice fanfic, it's called 'Rivals'. Maybe you'd like to check it out. (:  
The blurb: Juice falls in love with a Mayan and is torn between his loyalty to the club and a chance on a love he craved for his whole life. **


	68. Weaknesses

**THE PAST**

June felt a nervous tingling travel through her body once she glided off the bike. Yesterday they sat only a couple of minutes next to each other at lunch, so she doubted anyone had noticed them. There however weren't a lot of students with a bike, and certainly not with a beautiful one like Juan's, which attracted anyone's attention.

Nobody used to notice her, which was obviously changing now. She wouldn't even be surprised if some thought she was new. Juan's hand glided in hers and he squeezed. As she looked up to him, he gave her a wink and walked towards the building. On their way he nodded friendly to people she'd never spoken to, scattering around some hi's and standing still now and then to have a little chat. June tried really hard not to stare at the floor the whole time, although it was a tenacious habit of hers. Compared to him she was a social disaster. She knew her social skills had improved since she was dating Juan, but she doubted she would ever be as spontaneous as he was.

She even felt a bit relieved when she reached her locker and changed her books. She was probably imagining things, but she had the feeling everyone was looking at her. After zipping up her bag and placing the helmet in the locker, she got up. She tensed as she saw Rodey standing a few feet away from her. The last time she'd seen him was at Prom Night, there after he had been recovering until the summer break started.

He cleared his throat. "Hey."

June didn't answer. Instead, her eyes shot towards Juan. His locker was a little ahead and he was talking to a boy she didn't know.

"You don't have to call your boyfriend," he said in a bitter tone. "I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry. For what I did."

June didn't know what to answer, eventually she just nodded.

"I just hope you know what you're doin'. He's dangerous June. Be careful."

"Well he's not the one groping me," she answered, suddenly feeling outraged.

"I know. And I'm sorry. I –"

He froze the moment Juan's arm glided around her waist.

"Stay away from her. If you even _look_ at her, I'll make sure she was the last thing you've ever seen."

Juan's voice was so dark that she believed he really planned to put his eyes out. At first she felt indignation because he was suggesting something so brutal, but now she was also able to interpret his words differently. She could hear his love for her, his protectiveness, his longing to make sure no one would ever hurt her again. And it worked; quietly Rodey turned around and walked away. As arrogant as he had been in the past; there was now fear gleaming in his eyes.

Only when Rodey had disappeared from sight, his grasp around her loosened.

"He apologized," she said softly. Whether he was really sorry or just scared of Juan or his brother, was hard to tell.

"Even if he would apologize a hundred times it's not gonna change what he did to you," he answered grimly.

"Did he never press charges?"

Juan shook his head. "What should he say? That he was groping a girl at a party? That he was drunk and using drugs? He has no proof that we were involved, and he's smart enough to keep his mouth shut."

The look in his eyes was cold, his jaw tense. Suddenly he looked a lot like his brother, at the moment he attacked his mother. Because she didn't want him to go to class this upset, she stepped closer to him and pushed him gently against the lockers. She didn't like to kiss in public, but she sensed that Juan needed it and she wanted to see warmth in his eyes instead of this icy cold.

"I think you're protectiveness is hot," she whispered, pressing her hands against his chest.

There was a strange knot in her stomach; she had never called anything hot. Her voice didn't sound like hers, making her blush a bit. The surprise was also visible in Juan's eyes, and before she could disappoint him, she pressed her lips against his, a little more roughly than she usually did.

He responded immediately, letting himself being pushed against the lockers willingly. His left hand glided to her neck, the other shoved into her back pocket, pulling her closer. The growing bulge in his pants still made her blush, and she thought about yesterday, when she had touched his boxers for the first time. As if he relived the same memory, he squeezed his right hand, causing June to suck his bottom lip. A pleasant shiver rolled down her spine as he softly moaned into her mouth. Tension rose in her whole body, to such an extent she regretted not being alone with him. With flushing cheeks, she broke the kiss.

Juan was grinning like he had won the jackpot. "Maybe I should use that key my brother was talking about," he muttered.

"Key?" she asked.

He pecked her lips. "Never mind." He took her hand. "With which class do you start?"

"Economics."

"I'll take you there."

June wanted to tell him he didn't have to, but Juan smirked at her as he read the objection in her eyes, pulling her towards the stairs.

* * *

As June entered the classroom, most seats were already taken. Jordy and Shawna were sitting next to each other, with Emilio and Riley behind them. She waved at her friends. Shawna was the only one smiling back; Jordy sat reversed on her chair and was trying to punch Emilio's arm, who was tying up pens in her hair. Both were laughing, and June stared a little overwhelmed at them, wondering if she had ever seen Emilio laugh without making fun of someone.

Riley was leaning against the wall, balancing her chair on two legs. The moment she saw June, she smirked, forming a heart with her thumbs and forefingers and signalling with her eyes to the two. June gave her a small smile in return, not sure if this was a development she liked. Emilio had broken Jordy's heart by dropping all contact until the end of the summer, and June had hoped that her friend would be over him by now. However, one look told her there was still something going on between them – and suddenly Emilio felt like a textbook case of a teenage boy teasing girls to get their attention.

Tearing away her glance from them, she looked around to find a seat herself. Her eyes wandered across the room until they found the brown curls she had been looking for, and a moment later she asked Erik if she could sit next to him.

"Hey! Yeah, sure!" He looked skittishly over his shoulder, to the corner where Emilio was sitting. "That is, if he's not sending me away again..."

"I don't think he saw me entering the room at all. And even if he did; I'm not going to sit next to him during all classes. One is more than enough." She sat down. "Sorry for yesterday. I was really upset."

"It's okay, it sounded pretty tough. Umm... I know you barely know me... but if you ever feel the need to get something off your chest..." He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm a good listener." He gave her a brief smile.

"Thanks." June smiled back. It was a long time ago she had felt so comfortable around someone, not feeling the need to contemplate every word she said.

Two quiet hours followed. While they were doing their assignments they chatted a bit, and when they walked to the lunchroom by the end of class, she introduced him to Jordy and Shawna. Once she entered the lunchroom, she stood still, hesitating. Her glance glided to the spot where Juan and his friends were usually sitting, but she didn't see him. When Shawna walked to their table, she decided to sit with her friend. Since school had started, they hadn't even talked.

Erik and Jordy took place at the table as well, so they were still with four despite Beth's absence.

"Jordy told me what happened," Shawna said softly. "It's horrible, June, I'm so sorry. But I – I found it really hard to leave her alone yesterday. Especially after... you know... what happened to her sister."

"I get it," she answered. "I'm glad she had a shoulder to cry on. Did she call in sick today?"

"I guess." She bent her head and sighed. "This is so difficult. It feels like everything is different this year." She looked up to June again. "I'm really happy for you that things are going great between Juan and you, but I'm still glad you came to sit here. Cause I – I don't feel like hanging out with them. Well, not with Emilio at least."

June understood her all too well. She looked over her shoulder, noticing the group of boys had increased. Juan was standing a little apart from them, looking conflicted, but he walked over to their booth once he caught her glance.

"You all can sit with us too if you like," he said after flopping down on the chair next to her, pecking her lips. His hand covered hers. "We're not going to spend our breaks separated, right?"

June sighed. "Not all your friends have been nice to my friends. You know all about Emilio's cheap shots, and by way of introduction he even dragged Erik from his seat yesterday because he wanted to sit next to me." She turned her hand around so their palms were resting on top of each other. "Maybe we can alternate. One day I'll sit with your friends, next day you'll sit with mine?"

"Yeah... we can do that." He showed her a smile, convincing her he really believed it was a good idea.

However; as much as they liked the idea, Emilio seemed to pick Juan over his other friends, for he shoved a chair towards them.

"I've always wanted to sit at the nerd table." He smirked at Erik, who looked away awkwardly.

"You think you're smart enough to join us?" Jordy asked with raised eyebrows.

June was glad her friend could still give smart answers, for Shawna was staring at her plate and she didn't expect Erik to say much either.

"Dunno. You girls got some freaky puzzle I gotta solve before I'm accepted to the nerd club? Or can I just fuck one of you like my homie does?" He grabbed the can of coke Erik had just opened, took a swig and kept it in his hand. "So what do ya think, biggie?" He nudged Shawna's elbow. "Bet you're still a virgin. Want me to pop your cherry? Never done it with a fatty, maybe it's gonna be my new kink."

Shawna said nothing, still staring at her plate. June knew for sure the sandwich on it would remain untouched until the end of the day.

"Can you please leave?" June sighed.

"Why? I'm good here." He lifted his eyebrows. "And I was tryin' to be nice man. It's pathetic that she's still a virgin at sixteen. It's a noble gesture that I want to give her a hand."

"Dude, you're really talkin' shit now," Juan answered annoyed.

"Oh right, you two are still only holding hands too." He chuckled. "Such a good girls and boys here." He nudged Erik. "What about you, curly? You ever fucked?"

"Maybe we should applaud E for not being a virgin anymore. Apparently losing his virginity was quite an achievement for him," Jordy suggested, clapping her hands.

Juan smirked at her, applauding too. As people were starting to look to them, Jordy stood up.

"Come on guys, give Emilio a standing ovation, today he's celebrating the loss of his virginity. He's providing free consultancies, is willing to demonstrate a thing or two; so desperate girls, take your chance! And boys – well, I bet this super experimental guy wouldn't mind to try out some things with you too."

Jordy quickly got the other students on her side, giving Emilio a standing ovation. Emilio had clenched his jaw in anger, his glance shooting daggers at the girl winking at him.

"You're a fucking bitch," he grunted.

"I know. That's why you and I are such a lovely match. I'll just wait patiently until you see that too." She blew him a kiss.

Emilio rolled his eyes, shoved back his chair and strode to his other friends.

* * *

Erik did more than just filling the void Beth left behind. Within one week, he felt like a better friend than Beth had ever been. He also got along well with Jordy and Shawna, although there was always some tension between Juan and him, and he changed into a complete different person when Emilio was near, like he was trying everything he could not to be noticed.

The lunch breaks were still a bit awkward, whether she was sitting with Juan's friends or whether he was sitting with hers. She didn't mind to be separated now and then, but when she mentioned it to him, Juan was so piqued that she'd put it to rest. It was just tiresome that Juan's company automatically involved Emilio. June expected her boyfriend to have said something about his friend's behavior since he kept his comments about Shawna to a minimum, but Shawna couldn't simply forget about all the years he had made fun of her, and she just felt very uncomfortable around him. Some days she didn't go to the lunchroom at all, hiding somewhere in school until lunch was over. Beth was neither around during the breaks, so June hoped the two kept each other company and weren't alone. Still, guilt plagued her. Jordy tried to talk it out of her head, stressing that it was Shawna's own choice and that she needed to learn to deal with people who weren't nice, since she would meet plenty more of them during her life.

Between Emilio and Jordy, the situation remained weird. Some days he could say nothing good about her, at others they were constantly joking and laughing. Last Monday he had even texted her in the morning to ask if she could get him a dress he could wear, and that day he had finally lived up to his bet with Juan, wearing a pink and black flower dress all day long. He'd worn a shirt and jeans underneath it, but June had to admit he had kept his promise.

"Okay, so I wrote down some ideas that popped up in my head." Erik's voice dragged her out of her thoughts and she looked up. He was sitting on her desk chair while June sat on the edge of her bed. She was surrounded by her drawings – at least a large part of them; the ones of her and Juan she had left out – to which he had been very curious. The sight of them had stirred up his enthusiasm, and now she was the one who was curious.

She took the notebook from him. His writing was neat, even a bit girly, and easy to read. Her lips curled up when she read the various plots; about pirates, hijackings, alien kidnappings and parallel worlds. Topics she'd never thought about at all.

"You should pick one you can bring your creativity in to," he said. "Most ideas are quite... wild." He looked past her at the drawings and smirked. "Although I don't think there's anything you can't draw."

Shyly, June bit her lip as a blush spread across her cheeks. Apart from her family, Juan and her friends nobody had ever watched her work and it was still hard to believe someone really liked it. She thought the drawings were quite... simple. They were detailed and she was proud of them, but she hadn't developed her own style yet that would make her work stand out from that of other artists.

"This one sounds nice," she said. "About these two teenagers waking up in another world. Building our own world... that has to be fun, I've never done something like that."

"Sounds good," he said. "Think that's really cool, creating or own world."

The rest of the Saturday afternoon they straightened out their ideas and started to develop their characters. Time flew, June had the feeling they had just started when April came upstairs, asking if Erik wanted to join them for dinner and whether she had to cook for Juan too.

Erik agreed and June told her sister Juan would be done working within half an hour.

June was just setting the table when the doorbell rang. April rushed to the door to let Juan in. June followed her to the hallway, waiting patiently until her sister was done telling Juan about all the ingredients of the new dish she'd prepared for today, and she grinned when Juan looked at her, his eyes telling her he rather wanted to cuddle with her instead of listening to her sister's blabbering.

"Make sure the food doesn't burn, April," she said in an attempt to save Juan.

"Oh, right!" She spun around and ran back to the kitchen.

June gave her boyfriend a kiss and a tight hug. "How was it?" she asked curiously.

Riley's cousin had recently started his own car cleaning service for which he could use some help during the weekends. Both Emilio and Juan had been interested, and when Riley told them her cousin could use two extra pair of hands, both boys had been grinning from ear to ear.

"It was fuckin' awesome," he said, his eyes beaming. "All those fat cars that I could just touch... I was scared to death that I would damage the paint, but he had some good stuff to use. This was so much better than scrubbin' plates!"

His hand glided into hers and delighted he walked to the living room. The moment he left the hallway, he froze.

"The fuck's he doin' here?"

His hostile tone made her frown, and she looked to the side. Erik was sitting on a chair next to her mother's bed, telling her about the story they'd made up today. She really had no idea why Juan was so rude.

"We came up with a plot today for the comic we're going to make. It's gonna be so cool!"

"And you didn't think it was worth mentionin'?"

June's frown deepened and she looked him in the eye. His jaw was tense, all joy disappeared from his eyes. "I'm sure I told you he writes and that we planned to make a comic book together."

"You didn't tell me you were meetin' him today. Am I too early? Did you plan on him being gone before I'd be here?"

June pulled him back into the hallway, let go of his hand and crossed her arms in front of her chest, feeling wronged. "What the hell is this? He sent me a text this morning, asking me if I had time to discuss our plans. I'm not doing anything behind your back. And why would I? He's just a friend."

"Does he know he's just a friend?" Juan asked grimly. "For I see how he looks at you."

"We're just friends," she repeated. "Jeez, what's going on with you? Beth already hates me and Shawna doesn't even want to have lunch with me anymore because of your stupid friend. You don't want me to have any friends at all now?"

Angrily, she stepped past him. In the living room she took a few deep breaths to calm down; she didn't want anyone to notice their fight and sat down at the table.

It wasn't a relaxed dinner. There was such a thundercloud above Juan's head that even the twins were silent, and she saw that her mother was watching him with a concerned look at her face. Erik clearly didn't feel comfortable; he mainly stared at his food and right after dinner he excused himself and told them he had to go home.

"I'm sorry," June sighed as she walked him to the door. "I don't know what's going on with him. I will discuss it with him. He's just not used to me having... male friends, I guess."

"It's okay," he muttered, but his eyes told her it was a lie.

"Well, I really enjoyed today," she tried to cheer him up. "We've made some big steps for our story!"

His face brightened up and he nodded. "I will work out some details and email them to you. Then you can draw our characters."

They hugged, then she closed the door behind him.

Back in the living room, she discovered that Juan was smoking in the backyard. He hardly ever did so when he was here, so she assumed he felt really upset. She caught her mother's glance and since it was so difficult for her to walk, June went to the bed and sighed.

"Don't the two boys like each other?" her mother asked. "I never saw Juan like this."

She dropped her eyes, feeling a bit ashamed of his behavior. "It's not the first time he acts like this when other boys are paying attention to me. Usually I don't mind because they make me feel uncomfortable, but Erik... Erik and I are just friends and I guess that's hard for him." She sighed. "I'm going to talk to him."

Her mother squeezed her hand. "Very well. You two will figure it out. I think he considers Erik as a threat and that it is his own insecurity that's bothering him. Try to understand him, sweetheart."

She just wanted to go outside when Juan entered the house again. He didn't look at her, but she wasn't sure if he was ashamed or still angry. Taking his hand in hers, she led him upstairs in silence. Her drawings were still scattered across the bed and she piled them up to create some room.

"You don't like him?"

Juan shrugged his shoulders and stared at the wall.

His petulant behavior made her sigh. "You have to explain why you're so mad at me for I can't look inside your head, Juan. I don't get it. I just spend some time with a friend today."

"A friend who even stays for dinner," Juan grumbled.

"So? Jordy stays for dinner all the time. Why is this so different? Only because he's a boy? You're friends with Riley too, right?"

"Riley is gay."

"So if she had been straight, I should have worried about her?" she asked skeptically.

"No," he muttered. "But this is different. You barely know that guy and you took him already to your bedroom."

"To brainstorm about a story! To make a comic!" she called out.

"Yeah? And what kind of comic is that goin' to be? About yourselves? Am I going to find drawings where he's the one you're kissin'?"

"Our _characters_ will kiss at most!"

"Winter and Juice are characters too, but based on us! I'm sure your new character will look a lot like you, and his will be a copy of himself!"

"That's different."

"How?! What's so different about that?" He snapped his head to the side, a fierce look in his eyes.

"Because it's not calling up the same feelings!" she answered. "Come on, Juan. You're telling me I can never come up with another character than Juice? We're plotting a sciencefiction story, not something erotic?! You're really upset about nothing. We are building a world, maybe there won't be even a romance in it; our characters might as well be siblings!"

When he remained silent, she felt the indignation gurgling inside her.

"This hurts me Juan, that you think that I'm fantasizing about other boys and want to draw those fantasies! Even if I come up with a character that kisses someone, that doesn't mean that _I_ want to kiss someone else too! You think all authors are mentally cheating on their partners because their characters, people they _make up_ , fall in love?"

"I'm not saying you're fantasizing about other boys," he mumbled. "It's just..." Sighing, he looked a side. "He wants you, June. I can see it in his eyes, I've known it from day one. He's in love with you and you're too blind to see, but it's so fuckin' obvious! So no, I don't like you hangin' out in your bedroom with a guy who wants to fuck you."

"We are just friends, Juan. According to you, _every_ boy who talks to me is interested in me." Feeling tired, she rubbed her eyes. "And what _if_ he's in love with me? Then what? You think he's going to force himself on me? Come on, he's not like that."

"No, he's not like that," he muttered, bending his head. "But you might fall in love with him too."

Suddenly he looked very vulnerable. June swallowed a sigh and thought about her mother's words, who had been right about him. She turned and sat down on his lap, lifting his face with both of her hands.

"Am I doing something wrong, Juan? Do I give you the feeling that I don't love you?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "No," he muttered, still avoiding her glance. "It's just... You two get along so well, you share the same interest... He's good looking, he's nice... why _wouldn't_ you fall in love with him?"

"Look at me, Juan," she said quietly.

She saw his separation anxiety in his eyes when he looked up to her, a fear they both struggled with since their fathers walked out on them. "I'm in love with you, Juan. I like Erik a lot and I feel comfortable around him." She caressed his cheek. "But there are no butterflies when I look into his eyes, my skin isn't tingling when we accidentally touch and his smile doesn't set me on fire. You are the only one who's doing that to me, Juan. Please trust me baby. Believe in my love for you. There really is no reason to be jealous of Erik, and even if he does have feelings for me – which I don't believe – than it's not going to change anything for us. I stay with you, Juan." Her lips brushed his, and whispering she stressed: "I will always be with you. I will never abandon you, and if it's my call I will be yours forever."

His arms glided around her and he buried his face in her neck, to which he softly pressed his lips. "Sorry," he whispered. "I'm not doubting your love. But I – sometimes I can't stop the bad thoughts, they just keep echoing in my head. And sometimes – sometimes I wish I could also draw or tell tales so I could be part of that world too. I know how important it is for you."

June smiled, lifting his face again. "Well there's no fun in creating stories without readers, so you can read our comic and tell us what you think of it? Maybe you'll have some cool ideas yourself, you're creative enough.'

Finally, his beautiful smile returned to his face. "Sounds good." His hands glided underneath her shirt, stroking her back. Every time they went up and down, more of his confidence seemed to return. His fingertips played with the clasp of her bra while he kissed her neck until he reached her ear. "As long as you keep workin' on our comic too," he whispered. "For Juice and Winter have gone a little further than that time underneath the bridge and I think it would be so fuckin' hot if you drew me with my lips around your nipple."

An intense heat gathered in her stomach as he gently bit her neck. Her hands glided underneath his shirt, exploring his abs.

"I think you have to refresh my memory," she whispered back, bending back her head to give him access to the rest of her neck.

Right after those words, he unclasped her bra. Shoving his hands to her front, he caught her breasts in the palm of his hands. She closed her eyes at the feel of his rough, warm hands.

"Will do baby." Gently he tugged her right nipple, and she could feel his smirk against her skin. "I'll make sure you never forget the sight of it." His eyes shone in mischief as he looked at her. "But you gotta keep your eyes open this time, instead of gettin' all ecstatic again."

Laughing softly, he fell down on the bed, pulling her on top of him.

Erik was completely forgotten – for now at least.


	69. Pool Party 1

_(Not edited)_

 **THE PAST**

The glass felt cold against his lips as he sipped from the beer. Juan closed his eyes for a moment as the drink glided down his throat – it was fucking hot outside and he pressed the bottle against his cheek to cool down his face. It was Saturday afternoon, around dinner time. Emilio and he were just done working and had been late at Jordy's pool party. Not that he cared; it would take a couple more hours before everyone would go home.

"If I'd known that girl had a garden like this, I'd buttered up with her years ago." With a smirk, Armando sat down next to him on the edge of the swimming pool.

Juan understood what he meant; the garden was indeed fucking chill, with a pool, covered terrace, small bar and an amazing stereo.

"With _that_?" Emilio huffed on Juan's other side. "You better hook up with her ma. At least she didn't stick her head in a bucket of smurf paint."

Armando started to laugh. "She around too?"

Emilio shrugged. "How would I know." His friend wrapped an arm around Juan's shoulders. "Luckily this guy sacrificed himself to date one of her boring friends."

Armando showed him a smirk. "Yeah... How's that going? She givin' you good blows? Always wondered, she's such a quiet girl. She also quiet when you bang her? Or is she savin' her voice to call out your name?" Again, he laughed.

Juan was glad it was so hot his cheeks were red anyway. "Got nothin' to complain."

Emilio's laughter joined that of their friend. "Well you told me other things." He aimed his glance at Armando. "The only thing he's touched are her titties."

Juan glared at his friend, who lit a cigarette, smirking.

"She so prudish?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "She's not a slut like all those other bitches. I think it's fucking hot that I'm going to be the first one claiming that pussy, instead of sticking my dick in a cunt that's even wider than the Grand Canyon because of the tons of guys before me."

Juan was sure she would have slapped him in the face if she'd heard him talk like that but he didn't wanna look like a complete pussy. Furthermore she was sitting on the other side of the pool anyway. She was one of the few who was still wearing a dress – of which he was secretly glad, he didn't want others to look at his girl. His own eyes had neither left her alone; she was lying on her side on a towel, talking to Erik. Now and then he saw her laugh, the sight of it causing a pit in his stomach.

He tried really hard not to feel jealous, but he just hated that guy, with that stupid innocent face. It had been three weeks since the school year had started and that asshole was still following her like a puppy.

"Well, you better watch out for Curly," Armando said, who had followed his glance. "He's clearly tryin' to hit on her, with his smooth smiles. You okay with that?"

"No," Juan muttered. Now even Armando mentioned it, it really started to eat at him. "But I trust her."

"You better wonder if _he_ can be trusted."

"You should tell him to stay away from your girl," Emilio said. "If told you that a dozen times. Just grab him by the balls and threaten to smash his face to pulp if he ever gets anywhere near your girl again."

Juan rolled his eyes. "Then I can't go anywhere near my girl either. She might look sweet, but she knows how to be angry, and a single comment about that prick was enough to piss her off."

As the whole situation started to mess with his head again, he lit a cigarette. The fact that she had barely looked at him since he was around annoyed him. He watched some girls in the pool, who were peeking at them every once in a while. How would she react if he was glued to some pretty girl the whole fucking time? He didn't know them, they didn't go to the same school.

"Just tell that prick not to mention anything to June," Emilio suggested.

"She ain't stupid. She'll know." He sighed.

"Then you should just stick your tongue in her throat when they're talking. He'll get the message."

Juan took a drag from his cigarette. It was hard to tell how she would respond to that. She knew him, she would probably sense that he was only kissing her to hurt her friend. He shook his head in an attempt to get rid of all the negative thoughts. This wasn't the place to get wrapped up in his thoughts; he should party.

"Gonna say hi to those chicks over there."

"Riiight, that's my boy," Emilio smirked. "I was already wonderin' where the hell those hot friends of Jordy where comin' from."

The three boys dove into the water and swam to the four girls, starting a conversation. Once they told them they'd gotten to know Jordy during their pole dancing classes, both boys had found their company for the rest of the night.

The blondest of them had braided her hair in a difficult pattern. Her skin told him she'd been lying on the beach for most of the holidays, and with the way she constantly pushed back her shoulders she obviously tried to call his attention to her well filled bikini top. He tried not to look at it too much, but since she was moving her body sensually to the music it was hard. Her belly piercing was shining in the water, and he couldn't help but swallow.

"So, how do you know Jordy?" Lindsay asked with a smile.

"Uh... We're in the same class."

Emilio raised his eyebrows when he didn't elaborate and he gave his friend a threatening look. If he wanted to make June jealous, he couldn't tell everyone that he had a girlfriend.

Somewhere deep inside, Juan knew it wasn't right what he was doing, but he ignored the feeling and after downing two more beer it became easier. He enjoyed to flirt a bit – they were just having a bit of fun. He wouldn't kiss her or something, but answering her ogling looks was thrilling. He startled when she wrapped her arms around him all of a sudden, swaying her body in time of the music. From the corner of his eye he noticed that both Emilio and Armando were slow dancing with the girls too, although their dances looked much more intimate. He kept his distance – then it was okay, right? It was just a dance – they just wore a little less clothes then they usually would.

Nevertheless he felt relieved when someone called that the meat was ready. Once they'd climbed out of the swimming pool and stood close to the barbecue, he casually laid an arm around the girl's waist. It wasn't that strange; both of his friends did the same thing.

A sausage had just landed on his plate when someone grabbed his arm.

"What the fuck do you think you're doin'?" Riley hissed.

"What?" he asked, his eyebrows raised.

"Damn it Juan! You're hittin' on this bitch while your girlfriend is fightin' the tears just a few meters away from you!"

His eyes didn't shot to Lindsay, who made an offended noise because he hadn't told her he had a girlfriend. His glance went straight to June. Even though most people had come to the barbecue, she was still sitting in the grass with Shawna and Erik. She was sitting bolt upright and stared at her beach towel.

Somehow he felt annoyed because she hadn't confronted him with his behavior if it bothered her so much; she should have shown the girl he was taken.

"We're just having fun," he answered Riley. "What's wrong with that? It ain't like she never talks to other guys."

"Well you're doing a little more than talking, Juan Carlos. Come on, go to her." She gave him a push. "And you..." She grabbed Emilio's ear and dragged him to the side. "You're not going to kiss one of Jordy's friends at her own party. If you really can't think with anything else than your dick you better take your fling to a place Jordy isn't forced to watch you." Her glance rested upon the brunette. "But if you have just a little decency, you stop tryin' to hit on your friend's crush on her party."

Emilio watched her with a sour face. The eyes of the girl shot towards Jordy, and when the girl answered her glance she stepped away from Emilio.

"Great," his friend grumbled. "This is just fucking great."

"Stop naggin'," Riley cut him off. "Be happy she invited you in the first place, bitch."

When Juan caught another dark glance from Riley, he heaved a sigh and headed to June. He had no idea what to say to her, suddenly he felt fucking stupid.

"Hey." He ignored Shawna and Erik and dropped down next to her. Hesitating, he laid a hand on her knee.

"Hey," she answered shortly.

He bit the inside of his cheek. Fuck – how had this ever sounded like a smart idea? He felt fucking awkward with her friends around. "Can we talk?"

She shrugged her shoulders, still refusing to look at him.

"June – I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"For dancing with another girl."

"You seriously think _that's_ the problem?" she huffed.

He hesitated. What now? "I guess not?" he concluded.

Her eyes shot from her friends to him and back, then she got up and walked away from the others. She didn't wait for him, and he followed her to the sun lounge.

June closed the door, shutting all noise out. Then she crossed her arms and leaned against the wall, an angry frown on her forehead.

Juan felt awkward. He really had no idea what to say to her. "It didn't mean anything," he said eventually.

"Then why did you do it?"

"We were just havin' fun." He couldn't look her in the eye.

"Yeah? Was it fun, trying to hurt me?"

He heard the pain in her voice and felt a stab in his chest. "I didn't... I didn't want to..."

"Oh come on! You think I'm stupid? I know very well why you did it: you still don't like Erik and this was some ridiculous plan to have your revenge. What did you think I would do? Drag her away from you? Hit her? It's pathetic that you're using another girl to make your girlfriend jealous."

"Well at least it worked," he grunted. "You haven't looked at me all night."

"You're barely here for an hour!" she called out. "Yeah, you have my attention now. Not because I'm jealous of the girl, but because I'm very disappointed in you for thinking something like this was needed. I thought you trusted me."

"I do trust you." Frustrated, he ran a hand across his head. He didn't even know what to think, what to feel anymore. "June I'm not the only one who sees it. My friends started to ask questions about Erik too, they wanted to know if I was okay with that guy hittin' on my girl. What was I supposed to tell 'em?"

"That we're just friends!"

"But nobody's gonna believe that!" he shot back. "June he's after you the whole time! I can't believe you're not getting sick of him!"

"He just needs time to make friends," she answered. "He tries really hard to connect with others, but it isn't easy. When I came to this school, I was all alone too Juan. I didn't know anyone. For weeks I was sitting alone in the lunchroom, and I might have still be doing that if it wasn't for Jordy. One day she sat down across from me and offered to be my friend. It's a small effort to help someone feel home, especially if we can get along well."

Juan stared at her. He had never looked at the situation from that perspective, and he didn't know what to answer. His shoulders slumped down. "Sorry," he muttered. "I never thought about that."

Hesitating, he stepped closer to her, laying his hands on her hips. His fingers were tingling, it felt like he hadn't touched her in days. When she barely responded to his touch, he felt a pang in his stomach. Why was he always fucking things up? Suddenly he had the feeling someone was squeezing his throat.

"I can't lose you," he whispered. "I'm sorry June. I didn't know what I was doing." Tears itched in his eyes and he pressed his face against her shoulder. Now they were back in school, their whole relationship seemed fragile. "I just... I just wanted you to feel what I feel."

June sighed softly, cupping his cheeks while looking at him. "You won't lose me, Juan. But I'm not happy with the fact that you're trying to decide for me with whom I can hang out. I don't have feelings for Erik, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about it. And even if you're right, it doesn't change anything. You're the only one I have feelings for. There will be other boys who are interested in me, just like there are plenty of girls who like you. There's nothing we can do about it, and we don't _have_ to do anything about it if we are faithful."

Juan dropped his eyes. She was so right.

"I'm sorry about that girl," he stressed once more. He didn't want her to think that he had wanted to be unfaithful to her. "Nothing would have happened between us."

"I know that." She sighed. "I was never afraid that you would cheat on me. It was the reason behind all this what hurt me the most. You wanted me to be angry, to be sad."

"No, I didn't want you to be sad," he said quickly. "June I really didn't want that." He looked at her. "It's just... I always have this feeling... this urge to keep other guys away from you and I... I just wanted to know if you experienced that too. When it was about me. But I guess not."

"You shouldn't wonder why I lack feelings of jealousy, you should wonder why you _do_ have them. You're afraid to lose me. But why are you so afraid of that?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Why wouldn't I be afraid?" He was almost whispering. "I got so little to offer you. I'm only fucking things up. Just look at us... We're on our first party together, and we're not partying at all. I just... I just don't get why you'd want to be with me. I got nothing to offer you, I'm..."

Before he started to ramble, she pressed her lips softly against his. "Stop talking. It's not you I hear, it's your mom."

Hesitating, he shut his mouth. Her arms glided around him and she held him tight. "Am I a demanding girlfriend?"

"What? No June..."

"Then why do you believe you have to give me all kinds of things?"

"Because I love you," he muttered. "I want to give you the world."

She laid a hand against his cheek, her thumb stroking his skin. For a moment he closed his eyes because of her touch; it felt like she was caressing his soul; a part of him nobody else could reach.

"Your love means the world to me," she said. "Your love. Your trust. Your loyalty. Can you give me those things?"

He opened his eyes again. There was an intense look in her grayish blue irises. She looked at him like nobody had ever looked at him and again it caused a lump in his throat.

"Yeah." His voice sounded gravelly. "I love you. I trust you. And – and you can trust me."

"Tell that yourself, every time you're plagued by doubts. I know you want to look tough around your friends and that's okay, I get it, but I also know that you're deeply hurt because your father left you and your mother pretends she doesn't love you." He flinched as she pressured the throbbing wound deep inside him. "I understand your fear, Juan. But you have to understand that the fear won't simply go away. Conquering your fear asks for a lot of struggle, time and pain. You can't run from it." Once again, her fingertips stroked his cheek. "If you need me, you have to come to me instead of flirting with some girl, hoping I will come to you."

He bit the inside of his cheek as the shame washed over him. Instead of searching for a answer, he pulled her in his arms and let her words seep into his memory.

It was a wonderful embrace, one creating the illusion they were alone in the world. But they weren't; he heard the beat outside, accompanied by laughter and loud voices.

"You want to go back to the others?" he asked after a while. "Before all the food is gone?"

She lifted the corner of her mouth as her hand slipped into his. "Yeah, that's sounds like a plan."


	70. Pool Party 2

**THE PAST**

June and Juan joined the others. To his relief, Erik stayed in the background. When their stomachs were full and after letting their food digest, he pulled June in his arms. The volume of the music was turned up, here and there people were dancing.

"You wanna swim?" he asked.

She nodded and pulled her dress over her head, revealing a dark blue bikini with a white top edge. Between here breasts were two small white ornamental clasps. She was beautiful, hot in an innocent way.

He dove into the water, then he turned around. He just got a glimpse of her jumping into the pool. Shivering, she swam towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "It's colder than I thought," she said, her teeth chattering.

"Lemme warm you up." He pulled her closer, until their upper bodies were touching. With eyes full of desire he looked at her. His breathing sped up when she wrapped her legs around his waist, resulting in a hard one immediately. He waded to the side of the pool until her back leaned against the wall. Right when he wanted to kiss her, a ball hit the back of his head.

Annoyed, he looked over his shoulder. A smirk crossed Emilio's face, who was standing on the other side of the pool and waved at the ball.

Juan ignored him, turned back to June and started to kiss her. Her hands wandered across his chest, his own hands slowly glided to her behind to keep her in place. As the intensity of their kiss increased he felt himself becoming even harder. The fact that his erection was pressing against the perfect spot, with only thin pieces of fabric separating them, made his breathing fall.

He kissed her neck, trying to keep his hips still, although he longed so desperately for some friction it hurt.

"I wanna be alone with you," he whispered. He spread kisses across her shoulder, he didn't dare to look her in the eye, afraid that his eyes would show the despair he felt. He wanted her. He wanted all of her. He wanted to lower his shorts a bit, wanted to pull hers to the side and then he wanted to push himself slowly into her warmth. Their pose was ideal; since the water surrounded them it was easy to keep her in place. His grasp on her hips tightened, and he pressed his excitement harder against her softness.

"I want you," he whispered. "Can you feel how much I want you?"

He looked up. Her cheeks were flushing.

"I wanna do it with you. Let me make love to you baby," he whispered, his head spinning with need.

"We're at a party, Juan."

"I know. But later. When the party is over."

"You're not sober."

"I'm not drunk. I drank what – six beers at most."

She kissed him softly, lowering her legs. "Come on, let's dance."

The suggestion made him frown – _June_ who wanted to dance. It was undoubtedly a subtle way to change the subject, but at least she didn't get pissed. It couldn't take that long anymore, right?

She led him to the pool stairs. In the corner of the pool he saw Armando, who was kissing one of Jordy's friends. The girl had stuck her hand in his swimsuit, and for a moment he felt a fit of jealousy. Why did it take so damn long before his girlfriend wanted to touch _him_ there?

As he turned his back to the pool and saw the smile on her face, the annoyance faded. The most beautiful girl he had ever seen wanted to be his, so why the hell did he mind about a hand job? He smiled as she started to dance, still holding his hand.

"Sorry," she muttered, pulling him in her arms. "I can't dance that good."

Juan couldn't think of a movement that wouldn't make her look hot, but he kept that thought to himself. "Nobody around here knows how to dance," he smirked. He wrapped an arm around her waist. "But if you drink a little more, you won't notice."

He took her towards the bar and got the both of them a drink.

* * *

For a while they were dancing. Not very intimate, but intimate enough to show the others they were together. An hour later she wanted to go to her friends, and after a kiss he let her go, where after he looked around to find his own friends. Emilio was sitting on the edge of the swimming pool, this time smoking pot.

"Well that was kinda hot, in the pool. Thought you were going to fuck her right there," Emilio smirked, handing him the joint.

Juan took a drag, rolling his eyes. "I was close to," he admitted. The thought that Emilio had watched them the whole time, caused a nasty feeling in his stomach. "You didn't hook up with a chick?"

"You heard Riley. I guess I'm gonna be excluded from all future parties if I kiss someone. So yeah, I'm just feasting my eyes today."

Juan shook his head, smirking. After a while he noticed that his friends eyes mainly wandered to one particular direction – and he was surprised to see that it were Jordy and Riley demanding his attention. They were dancing – in a very intimate way. If it had been two others girls he might have found it hot too, but those two... they really weren't his type.

"Why don't you go to her?"

"Hmm?" Emilio turned his head back.

"To Jordy. Did you speak to her at all?"

"Why would I?" he huffed.

"I dunno. Why else are you starin' at her?"

"I'm not."

Juan laughed briefly and leaned back. "Right."

Emilio looked demonstratively the other way, but after a while his glance was drawn back to the couple. Juan watched him in amusement. The two were whispering, laughing, and now and then their eyes shot to Emilio.

"They're gonna kiss."

"What? You think?" Emilio seemed to have forgotten about his earlier denial and turned a little to have a better sight on the girls.

As Jordy glanced their way again, Juan gave her a thumb's up. The girl winked at Emilio, where after she raised her hand and slipped it through Riley's short hair.

"Holy fuck," Emilio muttered when the two girls really started to kiss.

Exactly the same words popped up in Juan's head when the two started to caress each other's breasts. Emilio draped an arm across his thigh as if he was trying to hide his excitement, but the fact that his friend wasn't talking anymore told Juan enough.

"If you start to beat off I'm gonna drown ya," Juan warned him, before he started to do something else with that hand. His friend had had his share of pot and booze, so he wouldn't be surprised.

"What?" Emilio huffed. "Like you've never seen me do that before."

He had, but doing it while watching porn was a whole lot different than being in the middle of a party. Emilio turned his gaze towards the two girls again, who still seemed to enjoy themselves.

"You know you're the reason they're doin' this?" Juan said. "They're tryin' to heat you up."

"Well it works."

Juan chuckled, lighting up another cigarette. "Who'd you rather do? Riley or Jordy?"

"What about a threesome with both?"

"No, choose." Now his friend was tipsy _and_ turned on, he might finally learn about his true feelings for Jordy.

Emilio cocked his head to the side again. The girls were still kissing, and Emilio stared at them as if he had forgotten about the question.

"So you'd pick Jordy," he concluded.

"What?" Emilio snapped his head back.

"You wouldn't have hesitated to tell me if it was Riley." Juan took two beers from a random guy, took a swig and passed the other one to his friend. "How would you do her?"

Emilio leaned back, he no longer seemed to feel embarrassed about his physical response to the two girls making out. "I make her beg. First to blow me, then I tell her to kneel down on the bed. I make her wait until she's almost crying in despair, and then I do her doggy style. Think she likes it a bit rough," he added after a brief moment of hesitation.

Juan lifted the corner of his mouth, it was kinda cute that he took into account what Jordy would like. He wrapped his arm around Emilio's shoulder. "Well that sounds like that fantasy is on your mind for a while now, bro. Why don't you go for it?"

Emilio didn't look at him, but fidgeted with the label on the beer bottle. Suddenly, his shoulders tensed. "You made me chose between Riley and Jordy. I never said I wanted to fuck any of them for real. I'd rather do any other girl that's around, your lover included."

Juan smirked. "Nah, a few more beers and you're gonna admit that she's the one you want."

"Fuck you," Emilio grumbled, elbowing his side before diving into the water.

Juan started to laugh. "Yeah, bet you need to cool down now."

The girls had broken their kiss. Riley smirked, giving Jordy a little push. The girl glanced briefly at Emilio, but felt safer next to Juan.

"You keep your fuckin' mouth shut," Emilio snapped when Jordy flopped down next to him, interpreting Juan's smirk totally right.

Juan remembered all too well how Emilio had walked to June last year, asking her if she was a virgin and telling her how Juan wanted to have sex with her.

"You have to shut up about what?" Jordy asked.

"Emilio shared some fantasies about you. He said..." Suddenly Emilio gave his ankle a tug, dragging him into the pool.

"Shut up okay," Emilio hissed. "I'm serious."

"So you admit you want her?" Juan taunted in a low voice, swimming away from the side.

"I admit there are worse people to fuck."

"Then I don't see why..."

"Oh fine," he grumbled, clearly frustrated. His dark eyes drilled into Juan's. "I never intent to think of her when I'm having a party by myself, but sometimes she just slips into my mind and refuses to leave. Even in my fantasies she's fuckin' annoyin'. I don't want it man." His voice sounded wired. "It just happens. I can't help it."

Juan saw the conflict in the eyes of his friend and decided not to tease him. "Okay. I get it. That happens sometimes. No reason to be upset man."

"I don't want her to know. It's never going to happen anyway."

"Why not?" Juan asked, serious. "She wants you. And as it seems, you want her too, unconsciously."

Emilio shrugged and peeked at Jordy past Juan's shoulder. "I never did it with a girl I know, who I have to face every fucking day after. It's going to be fucking awkward. And I dunno – you're not blind, right? You know what she looks like. I don't want the whole school to know I did her. That's not cool, everyone will make fun of me and the only bitches I can get after her are the ugly ones."

"You're overreacting. Nobody made fun of Riley."

"That's different," Emilio muttered. "She only makes out with weirdo's."

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "She likes them. That's all that counts."

"Whatever." Emilio fell back in the water and floated on his back, clearly wanting to end the conversation.

Juan decided not to push.

Riley did, a little later. Many people had already gone home, but with a small group they were melting marshmallows around a fire pit. She laid an arm around Emilio's shoulder. "So, you thought that kiss with Jordy was hot, huh?" she smirked.

"Even if you're slobberin' a dog it probably looks hot. You were the hot part baby, not the clown."

"You're a dick, E."

"Got a dick too. A big one. Wanna show me what else you can do with those lips of yours?"

Juan glanced at Jordy, who was staring at the floor. June stood next to her, rubbing up and down her back discreetly. Juan walked over to the girls, laid his arms around his girl and kissed her shoulder. Then he leaned in towards Jordy.

"He's lying," he whispered. "He just told me he has fantasies about you. Not normal ones... it's more like some deep desire he isn't ready to accept yet."

Bewildered, she turned her head to the side.

Juan winked at her. "You didn't hear it from me..."

His grasp tightened around June and he kissed the crook of her neck. "I've played Cupido long enough for today," he whispered. "Now I want to taste some love myself."

She laughed quietly, turning towards him. "I'd actually decided to stay here tonight so I can help Jordy clean things up tomorrow morning."

"No fucking way." He shook his head, pulling her waist against his. "Tonight you'll be mine. And if you be sweet to me... I might help you clean tomorrow."

She pouted her lip. "I thought I was always sweet."

"Hmm yeah," he grunted, scattering kisses across her neck until he reached her ear. In a husky voice he whispered. "Maybe it's time to be a little naughty tonight."

He grinned from ear to ear when he looked at her, her cheeks a dark shade of red. He dipped his head, his forehead resting against hers.

"But if that's makin' you nervous, you can also be the good obedient girl and do exactly as I say."

Her front teeth left little dimples in her bottom lip as she bit it. The mixture of trepidation and curiosity in her eyes made him feel hot all over his body, and right at that moment he wanted only one thing and that was taking her to her room.

With still a smirk on his lips he kissed her. "Your first task is simple: say goodbye to your friends and come with me."

"And what if I prefer to be disobedient?" she whispered teasingly against his lips.

"Then I simply throw you over my shoulder and take you home. Which I won't recommend since I'm not that sober that I can promise you I'm able to carry you home without tripping over my feet."

The smile she showed him, was one of surrender.

"Then I'll be the good girl."

"Good." He kissed the corner of her mouth. "Maybe this good girl will earn a reward she can pick herself." He heard her gasp when he nipped at her neck while his hand traveled up her side, until he reached her breast. Then he playfully pushed her away, telling her in a stern voice: "But she better listens now if she wants that reward."

She nodded coyly, but her eyes were sparkling when she turned around to say goodbye to her friends.

Juan felt the excitement spread through his body. Hopefully, she would really give him what he would ask from her.


	71. Crossing Borders

**THE PAST**

There was a knot in his stomach as Juan stepped behind her and placed his hands on her hips. In the mirror, he looked at her. She was wiping the make-up from her eyes with a cotton ball. He wasn't hundred percent sure she wanted it too. He couldn't think of a reason why she wouldn't, but he had been wrong about that before.

"I'm gonna take a shower before I go to bed."

"Okay." She took her earrings off and put them on a shelf. Through the mirror, she smiled at him as he stared a little awkwardly at her.

She didn't get the hint.

Okay then. His hands glided up her sides, he pressed the palms deeper into her flesh than he usually did. Kissing her shoulder, he wiped her hair to the side, moving his lips to her neck. "Come with me."

"In the shower?" Her voice sounded a little shrill.

He chuckled softly. "Yeah, in the shower. We're still wearing our swimwear so why not?"

She seemed to relax a little now she realized he wasn't asking her to shower with him naked. He wanted it, he wanted it for months, but for her it was still a border she didn't want to cross.

"Umm okay."

She blushed, making him gasp. Often, her rosy cheeks were already a turn-on. He took her hand and gently pulled her away from the washbasin. His lips found hers as he rolled up her dress; for a moment he broke the kiss to pull the dress over her head. His shirt followed. Then he took her hand and led her into the small shower cabin. Turning the showerhead away from them so they wouldn't be surprised with the cold, he turned on the water.

His arms glided around her as he kissed her again. She felt tense, as if she knew this wasn't just a spontaneous idea.

"Relax," he whispered, kissing her neck. "This ain't anything we haven't done before, right?"

"Not yet," she muttered. "But in the pool you said you wanted... everything."

"I got carried away." His fingers glided across her stomach, up her sides. "I know you're not ready. I don't even have a condom, so don't be afraid baby. It's not gonna happen tonight."

Her shoulders relaxed a little. She raised her head to kiss him, her hands roaming across his chest and stomach, her touch making him sigh softly.

He untied the strings of her bikini top and weighted her breasts in his hands. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. "So fucking beautiful."

Gently, he kneaded the lumbs. The way he played with her nipples turned her on; he felt it in the way she kissed him back; fiercer, hungrily. It made the heat flare up inside him. His lips retreated from hers and he kissed her jaw, her neck, her chest, licking the drops, sucking her skin. His tongue swirled around her nipple; very carefully he laid his teeth around it, tugging gently.

She moaned. Her hands wandered across his back, down to his cheeks and she pulled his waist against hers. His erection pressed against her pubis, it was pounding and throbbing and begging for attention. He tried to ignore it, kissing her lips until they were both out of breath. Her hand was stroking his stomach now, just above the waistband of his swimsuit.

Did she want it too?

He swallowed at the thought.

"Touch me," he whispered. His voice sounded hoarse.

Her fingers caressed his abs, his chest, her touch so light he squeezed his eyes. This felt so good, and that was exactly why he wanted more.

He looked up, pressing kisses to her lips, trying to communicate his longing non-verbally. She looked up as well.

"I'm dying for your touch," he blurted out, and he felt his cheeks glow. "There, where you've never touched me before."

He barely dared to keep her glance, but he did so nevertheless. Her touch stilled on his skin, and he took a deep breath to keep control of the disappointment he was feeling.

"Why don't you want to touch me?" he asked softly, dropping his eyes. "What are you afraid of? It's not like – like you have to allow me to touch you too. I want to wait until you're ready. But I – I'm ready now."

"I don't know," she muttered. As he looked up, he saw her staring at his waist. "It feels like such a big step. And I – I'm afraid to do something wrong." She pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

"I love you June. I love you so fucking much. That's... That's why I want this. Nobody ever touched me there." The lie stung, and with more regret than ever he thought back to the stripper Mateo had gotten him. "I want to enjoy you. I want you to enjoy me. In ways... we don't enjoy anyone else."

She looked up, her hand stroking his cheek. "Okay," she said softly. She bit her lip. "But don't you mind that I... want to wait a little longer? I mean – before you... touch me there?"

"Of course I don't mind. You have to tell me when you're ready. But I – I also had to tell you that I'm ready for more."

She nodded. Her nose brushed his as she leaned into him, dotting kisses along his lip. Slowly, her hand descended to his swimsuit. Hesitating, her fingers explored the fabric.

His breathing fell heavier and he curled her wet hair around his fingers. Her fingers... He wanted to feel her fingers. He kissed her shoulder, her neck, with his other hand he stroked her breast, his thumb pressing against her nipple.

She moved her fingers back to his belly button, then they glided inside his swimsuit. A moan slipped his lips as she finally, finally touched him down there. Her fingertips stroked across his hard length.

"You uh... you can take him out if you like."

Suddenly nervous he pressed his face against her shoulder. Oh, why did he sound so stupid?

The fingers of her other hand glided across his neck, and somehow she reassured him so he relaxed a bit. She did as he asked, rolled his swimsuit down his hips and looked up to him.

"Uh.. you uh, you like this?" she asked softly as her fingers stroked the length of his erection.

He nodded almost blankly, shaking his leg a little to make the sticking swimsuit drop until he was fully naked.

"You uh – you like it too?" he asked nervously.

"I like you liking it. You feel... soft." Her fingers glided to his balls, cupping them. His dick was throbbing, craving for friction.

"I uh... I would love it if you... you know." Blushing, he looked down. Although that part of him had never seen any sunlight, her skin was still paler than his. Her hand folded around his member, causing goosebumps to spread across his whole body.

"I don't really know what to do now," she whispered.

Oh, sweet innocent June... He laid his hand around hers, squeezed it and moved it back and forth. "L-like this."

Her grasp was firm but gentle. Hesitating at first, but when she heard his little moans her confidence grew. Their lips connected again, his hand massaging her breast as she increased her pace.

"Oh June..." He hid his face in the crook of her neck, praying he wouldn't release this soon the moment they would really do it.

He wanted to slow it down, he didn't want to cum already but there was nothing he could do about it. Heat stormed through his body, he clung to her body and kissed her wherever he could kiss her, in a sloppy, emotional way. His body was jolting, tinglings running through his nerves.

"Oh fuck... Oh fuck," he whispered against her skin. He curved his back, the pressure becoming impossible, and suddenly it felt like a drain was opened.

Panting, he kept leaning against her. Her body feeling warm against his. Taking away her hand from his dick, she wrapped her arms around him. A little lost he leaned into her embrace, clinging to the little bit of intimacy that was slowly fading away.

"Thank you," he whispered.

He wasn't thanking her for the first orgasm she had given him – he thanked her for so much more, for everything she gave him.

"I love you, Juan Carlos."

He looked up to her. "I love you too. I love you so much."

His glance glided downwards, to his shrinking manhood. Quickly he peeked at her legs and bikini to make sure his seed wasn't sticking to the fabric or her skin, but the shower water had washed it all away.

He stroked her side, kissing her again while silently wishing he could please her too.

"That was amazing," he said, blushing.

She blushed too.

"You sure you don't want it yourself?"

For a moment he read doubt in her eyes, then she shook her head. "Not yet," she said softly.

"Okay baby. Just tell me whenever you're ready." He showed a slight smirk. "Or you could draw it."

The blush on her cheeks darkened. "You want me to draw this too?" she asked quietly.

His thumb traced her bottom lip. "You know the answer damn well. But only if you feel comfortable with it," he winked, kissing her. "But I'm sure it will be fucking hot." His hand glided to her breasts, cupping them. "All drawings with you on it are fucking hot."

She laughed quietly, the sound making the butterflies in his stomach swirl around.

"I don't think I'm the reason, but you definitely are." Her hands stroked his stomach and automatically his muscles tensed.

"It's the both of us which makes it hot," he answered in a smirk. "We just have the perfect chemistry." Teasingly, he bit her bottom lip, then he grabbed the bottle of soap. "Time to do what we were supposed to do in the shower. Up to now I only made you dirty instead of clean." He squirted the soap in his hand, dividing it across her body.

He might not have access to _all of her,_ but every other inch of her lovely skin he would touch tonight.

* * *

"Well well, someone got lucky tonight," Mateo smirked as Juan sat down in the passenger seat. "You finally saw her naked?"

Juan couldn't get the wide grin from his face. "Not yet. But she saw me, when we went for a shower after the pool party."

Mateo started the car and looked satisfied to the side. "Righttt. She jerked you off?"

"Uh-uh." Juan fastened his seat belt.

His brother chuckled. "Naughty girl." He winked. "No but that's good kid. Finally. Was already wondering if she was more into girls. Kidding," he added, rolling his eyes at Juan's glare. "Hopefully she got the taste of it now. Or maybe she wants a little more taste next time," he laughed.

Juan shrugged his shoulders. Yesterday she had taken a big step, he didn't count on a blowjob anytime soon. But who knows... maybe her curiosity was piqued a bit.

"How many apartments you want to visit today? Three, right?"

"Yep. Two close by, the other's a little further to the east."

Juan nodded slowly and stared out of the window. When Mateo was in jail, he had wished his brother would start looking for his own place to live, but now he was actually doing so he didn't like it at all. Not that he would tell him so – this was best for everyone. But the thought that he would be home alone so many days – or alone with his mom, he didn't know what was worse – squeezed his throat.

Either way, he was grateful to his brother for involving him in the process; he had even asked him to join him to look at the apartments. Since Juan was working on Saturdays now, Mateo had arranged a visit on Sunday.

In less than ten minutes they walked through the apartment. It looked very modern, with large windows allowing a lot of light into the rooms. It smelled fresh – although he did all he could to keep everything clean in their home, there was always a musty smell because of the worn furniture. There were two bedrooms that were much bigger than his own, and the living room and kitchen were also huge compared to that of his mom.

He stood still in front of the window. In the distance he could see the park, causing a hint of a smile on his lips. He had beautiful memories of that place.

"And? What do you think?" Mateo wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"Yeah looks cool man."

"You can see yourself live here?"

Juan imagined to buy a place like this himself, within a few years. Standing here together with June, watching the place where it all started... Maybe they would even have a little one... their own little family.

"I would be a lucky man if I can afford a place like this when I'm 19," he answered. "Especially because I wanna go to college." He sighed. "I guess it will take years before I can move out."

Mateo pulled back his arm and turned a little more towards him. "You don't have to wait that long." He fidgeted with the chain of his silver watch. Suddenly he looked up, right into Juan's eyes. "Come live with me, Juan. There's plenty of room, I can afford a two-bedroom apartment."

Juan stared at his brother in disbelief. "But..." His shoulders slumped down. Mateo's offer meant a lot to him. But still... He didn't want to be a burden. He had to learn to take care of himself.

Mateo looked away. "I get it."

His disappointment confused Juan a little. "You don't want to live on your own?" he asked softly.

Maybe he wasn't the only one who didn't like to live alone.

"It's always been you and me. We always took care of each other. You're a minor and that cunt that calls herself a mother doesn't even give you money to buy food. _I_ am the one who always took care of you, Juan."

"I know that!" Suddenly the tears jumped into his eyes, and he wiped them away roughly. "You don't have to rub it in my face. That I'm a worthless piece of shit who can't even..."

"Hey, knock it off. I'm not sayin' any of that shit." Mateo grabbed his arm. "You're completely missing the point." Mateo heaved a deep sigh and lowered his hand. "You're my baby brother, Juan. You're the only person I ever cared about. Yeah – I wanna leave that shit hole, I want to say farewell to that whore. But I don't wanna leave you. I want you to live with me so you can live your life like a normal teenager, without worrying whether you got something to eat at night, or whether there's money to buy clothes when your old ones are torn..."

"But I can get a job or..."

"If you get a job, you need to put it aside on a savings account, so you can save money for college or to do something fun. I don't want you to use it to pay mom's bills or to run errands. You're _sixteen_ Juan, you should't worry about things like that."

"But you had to deal with that shit too when you were sixteen," Juan muttered.

He sighed. "Yeah, and that's why I want a different life for you. You got a good brain, Juan, and you have sweet girl who may lose her mom before she turns eighteen. Save money for a future with her, and not for mom's future. Make sure you can take care of her once her mom's gone."

Juan bit his lip. He hadn't looked at it from that perspective... "I want it..." he said quietly. "Living with you. But I will feel like a burden..."

"You're not kid. You're the best roommate I can wish for."

His tone told Juan his brother meant what he said. He took a few deep breaths while Mateo's words echoed through his head. He didn't know how to object – and deep inside, that was a relief .

On a whim he hugged his brother. "Thanks."

Mateo wrapped his arms around him and pressed a kiss on the top of his head. "Together we're strong, it's always been that way. Don't think I don't need you. You're my moral compass – you always have been."

Juan wasn't sure what he meant, but it sounded like something he could be proud of.

Mateo tapped the back of his head. "Well, let's do another round around the house. Now you might live here yourself, you'll probably look different at things."

Juan broke away from the embrace and nodded. Quickly he wiped away a few unexpected tears, then he smiled delighted. Again they made their way through the house, this time discussing what the best place for the sitting area was, where they would put the tv, what rooms they preferred and whether there would be space left for a table football.

* * *

The prospect to live with his brother got Juan in a good mood. June believed it was a good idea, Emilio already asked for a permanent guest room and Riley decided it would be the perfect place to chill when it was too cold for Jordy's pool. Somehow Jordy had joined their group of friends without anyone really noticing and although Riley always claimed that she was just one of the guys, Juan felt that she liked to have another girl around sometimes. Even Emilio seemed to have accepted her presence in silence.

The only thing that was continuously clouding his mood, was Erik. He couldn't help it. Even the knowledge that June loved him, didn't change anything about it. It was just the way he looked at June... It gave him a nasty feeling – he just didn't trust the guy.

Whenever Juan was close, the guy stayed away from June. When they were doing their homework between classes, the boy sat down a little away from them. However, his eyes were constantly wandering to June, and it drove him crazy.

When it happened more and more often, his annoyance kept growing until he really wanted to walk over to the guy and tell him to stop staring at his girl. He however couldn't do that when June was around, so when she went to music class while Erik promised to wait for her so they could work on their comic later, Juan saw his chance. He found the kid in the study area. He was still contemplating the best approach when the boy walked towards the restrooms, leaving his backpack behind.

Juan walked towards the chair, sat down on it and glanced at the bag. The boy was always holding it close, as if he was afraid someone would steal it. Now Juan wondered if he had something to hide. Pulling the bag on his lap, he rummaged through it until he found a small notebook without a label on it. It looked like the notebook he used to write his stories in, which June borrowed now and then to make the drawings, although this one was black instead of green. Pulling it out of the bag, he flipped through it. The first pages were blank. He just wanted to put it away when he saw an ink stain on the side. As he opened it, he discovered lots of filled pages. Frowning, he started to read, wondering why the hell someone would start to write in the middle of a notebook. One only did so when he wanted to keep it secret, right?

It didn't take long before Juan understood the reason. He felt a pit in his stomach, suddenly he felt nauseous. His eyes fluttered across the sentences.

 _My fingers are gliding across her breasts, my lips following them. She's panting softly. Her hands buried in my curls while she pushes down my head._

 _"Lick me," she moans. "Lick me, Erik."_

 _I do as she asks. I would do anything for her. Bowing my head I kiss her aprons, lick her clit, push my tongue inside her._

 _"Oh yes! Deeper! My boyfriend never does this, all he wants is me to suck him."_

 _I'm not surprised. He doesn't deserve a beautiful girl like her._

Juan felt a stab in his stomach. No – this wasn't about him, nor about June... That was ridiculous. He looked over his shoulder. But he had to be sure.

With the notebook in his hands he got up and left the study area. He could confront Erik with it right now, but he doubted he would hear an honest answer. Maybe he would discover it himself, maybe the girl was named somewhere.

He entered the computer room, started the computer pretending he was going to work on it and opened the notebook again, on a different page.

 _"You sure you want this?"_

 _Worried, I look at the cuffs around her wrists. I hadn't expected her to be the type of girl who would like this. Maybe she doesn't know better, her boyfriend is so dominant that it can't be much different between the sheets._

 _"Yes." She laughs nervously. "I like someone else being in control."_

 _Her laugh makes my heart beat faster. I crawl towards her, start to kiss her. First, I want to take all the memories about that asshole away. That asshole who she doesn't dare to leave, who threatens to hurt her once she leaves him._

 _She kisses me back._

 _"What should I do?" I ask, hesitating. I'm not that experienced with cuffs and stuff like that._

 _She winks at me. "Whatever you want, Erik. I'm all yours, you can do whatever you want with me."_

 _I take some time to think. There are plenty of things I want to do with her. But maybe a warming up first. I lower my pants and boxers and crawl to the headboard. With two pillows I help her up a little, then I grab my dick and stroke her lips with it._

 _"You really want this? You wanna taste me?" I caress her face, watching the countless freckles._

Juan froze. Freckles. Countless freckles. Bile crept into his gullet. He didn't want to read the rest, but he had to be sure. His eyes scanned the pages, looking for her name.

Her hair was red, he discovered a few pages later.

And then, he found her name.

 _We have never done it like this before. But she wants to try everything, as long as I'm gentle. She bends in front of me. My hands glide across her hips, I can see her breasts hanging down. With a little bit of lube I prepare her. First, one finger slips into her hole, then a second._

 _She moans, relaxes a little._

 _"Aahh, this already feels so good Erik."_

 _"Just wait," I tell her. I grab myself, rub myself a few times and gently press my dick against her hole. Slowly, I push myself inside her, while my fingers slip into the other entrance._

 _I start to pump. Without a condom, for the first time. It feels amazing, especially because I know that asshole of a boyfriend of hers never did this with her._

 _She moans as I reach deeper inside her, from both sides._

 _"Moan my name," I encourage her, thrusting deeper inside her. "Moan my name."_

 _"Oh Erik! This feels so good! Faster! Deeper!"_

 _And I go faster, I go deeper, grabbing her hips and slamming inside her until I can't get any deeper. She contracts her sphincter. I start to sweat, start to moan too._

 _"Moan my name too," she pants. "I'm sure you will make me cum."_

 _"Aaah June. You feel so good, you..."_

Juan batted the notebook away. Tears were stinging in his eyes. What a son of a bitch. What a sick, sick motherfucker. He bit his knuckles, he didn't want to cry in the middle of the computer room but he had never seen anything so disgusting. June would never believe him, and he didn't plan on letting her read this blasphemy.

But he had to do _something._ He wanted to break all his bones, he would make sure he could never write again, could never _think_ again.

He jumped up from the chair, headed for the classroom Emilio was in and slammed the door open. He ignored all the faces staring at him, with a nod he told his friend to leave the classroom. Emilio picked up his bag immediately, ignoring the protest from his teacher as he left the room.

"Hey bro, what's goin' on? You look like you've seen a ghost dude."

Juan couldn't get a single word out, he felt sick to the stomach. Again tears were filling his eyes. The notebook was shaking in his hand.

Emilio dragged him to the side so they were no longer in plain sight and he looked him in the eye with rare concern.

"He – he wrote about her," Juan stammered. "He wrote disgusting things about her. It's – it's sick."

Frowning, Emilio took the notebook, flipped through it and glanced at the text. A moment later he looked up, his eyes dark. "You sure it's about her?"

"Her name is in it."

Emilio pushed the notebook back in his hands and turned around. "That sick motherfucker," he grunted. "That fucker's gonna wish he'd never been born."

 **. . .**

 **Hey all! In case anyone's interested: I started an Instagram account for my fanfics. Feel free to follow: VenomisWritesFanfiction (:**


	72. Nothing New

**THE PAST**

Panic raced through his body. The notebook – the black notebook was gone! Again he took all his stuff from his bag, shook his books, looked under the table, behind him.

Had he lost it? Had someone found it in his bag? No – why would someone nose in his bag, pick that notebook of all the things in it and find his writings?

Erik raked his hands through his curls, his fingers shaking.

God, if someone would find it... The tears were already gathering in his eyes. They would be disgusted by him, like they had been disgusted by him at his former school. His breathing was stuck in his throat, he felt light in the head. He mentally repeated the breathing exercises his therapist had taught him. Breathe in deeply, hold it for a second, blow it out.

And again.

It barely helped. It felt like there was ice creeping through his veins. The notebook – he had to find the notebook! How could he have been so stupid to take it to school? But the thoughts... they were itching inside his skull, allowing the fear to control his mind again, the fear that history would repeat...

Tears were gliding down his cheeks. O god, now he was even crying. Quickly he wiped his cheeks, afraid someone would see it. He glanced at the clock. Five more minutes and classes were over. If he had lost the notebook, he had to find it before the hallways were flooding with students.

He put his stuff in his bag again and followed the route he had taken today. His eyes wandered across the floor. Nowhere – it was nowhere!

Again it felt like someone was squeezing his throat. It couldn't simply be vanished. Had he accidentally put it in his locker? He sped up his pace; as he reached the stairs he descended it with two steps at a time.

Because of the panic he couldn't think straight anymore; he started to run to his locker. His fingers were trembling as he tried to put the key in the lock. Please, be here. Please.

Finally he managed to open the locker. In a fit of panic he threw everything on the ground and dug into the pile of books, workbooks and notebooks.

"Oh god..." With his fingers he combed desperately through his hair. The notebook wasn't there. "Oh god..."

Suddenly, someone grabbed a hand full of his hair and dragged him on his feet.

"Hey pretty boy," a deep, threatening voice sounded.

Erik's stomach cringed. If he hadn't been trembling before, he would have done it now.

"Lookin' for this?"

He failed to look up. Roughly, he was slammed against the lockers. He felt that everyone was watching him. Fingers dug into his chin, yanking his head upwards. A whimper left his lips as Emilio's icy eyes drilled into his.

The boy was waving with the notebook.

Erik was about to cry.

"If you don't want me to tell the whole school what a sick pig you are, you come with me. Now."

He didn't want to go with Emilio – he really didn't want to; he was too scared of what the boy would do to him. Ever since the guy had pulled him off his chair, throwing him on the ground like garbage, his stomach content froze whenever he was around.

But did he have a choice?

Emilio could make his life hell, would make his life hell, he could feel it in every fiber of his being, but that was better than that the whole school would think that he was a sick pervert.

"Okay," he whispered. "But – but can you please give me my notebook back?"

"Why would I? So you can get off while reading again?"

Erik felt his cheeks glow. Had he read everything? He hadn't told Juan, right? Oh – if June would find out... Guilt was jabbing him in the stomach. She wouldn't understand, nobody would understand...

"I – I just don't want anyone to read it," he whispered.

"Well you know what to do then. Be a good boy and come with me."

The dark look in his eyes squeezed Erik's throat. Images crossed his mind – disgusting images, making him feel sick. Silently, he followed his classmate outside.

"We'll go to my car."

Another stab in his stomach. What the hell was he going to do? Leave him somewhere to die? Did he know why he changed schools? Emilio seemed to be the same type of guy as the one he had fled from, maybe they were friends. Maybe...

Emilio gave him a hard push. "Walk, jerk."

Erik tripped over his feet. At the last second he could keep himself from falling. Again the boy pushed him and he quickened his pace until he reached the parking lot.

He tensed as he saw Juan, leaning against a car. Anger was radiating from his face. Erik's feet refused to continue their walk; suddenly he couldn't move anymore.

"I said walk." Emilio trod on his Achilles' heel.

Erik staggered forward. He knew there was no way out. It was for the best if he just played along; he had learnt so the past years.

Emilio opened the car door and pushed Erik on the backseat. He didn't seem to care that the whole school could see him. That was a good sign, right? At least they would let him live.

He shoved to the middle of the backseat. His shaking fingers clutching around his knees. Skittishly he glanced at Juan as he sat down on the passenger seat. It wasn't hard to see why it had been Emilio who had dragged him out of the school instead of Juan himself; he looked like he could lose his self control at the slightest touch, tearing his head from his body.

"Gimme your phone," Emilio told him.

Erik did what he was told and muttered his pincode. Emilio gave the device to Juan, who started to typ a text. To June, he thought. To tell her something came up.

With his arms clutched around his belly because he was feeling stabs, he stared out of the window. They left the school property. The two boys didn't talk. Erik stared down, silent tears rolling down his cheeks.

He didn't know whether they were talking to him during the ride. He just kept staring down, almost like he was in trance, wrapped up in his thoughts, in his fears, his regret.

Emilio parked in front of an abandoned building.

"Get out," Emilio told him.

Erik wanted to obey, his body however blocked.

"Get the fuck out!" Juan yelled all of a sudden. It was the first thing Erik heard him say. He slammed open the door, grabbed Erik's shoulder and pulled him out of the car. He fell on the ground. Immediately one of the boys kicked his head. His glasses cut into his flesh and he whimpered because of the pain flashing through his skull.

Juan crouched down next to him, grabbing him by the collar. "You liked it? Having fantasies about my girl?" He didn't wait for an answer. Instead, he clenched his fist and hit him in the face.

Erik did nothing. Said nothing. Let the guys beat him, kick him.

This was nothing new. Even more, he had gone through worse. His passivity seemed to frustrate the guys. They dragged on his feet, threw him against the car. Fists, everywhere on his body. Blood slipped between his lips, gushed down his nose. He cried, sobbed. Screamed. Begged for them to stop.

He didn't even notice that he was falling, only that he was lying on the ground at some point. Cold stones cut into his bruised cheek.

Through a haze of tears and blood he looked at Juan as the boy knelt beside him, grabbing his chin roughly. "You never talk to June again, you don't even look at her anymore or I'll cut your eyes out."

Erik's lips were moving, there however was no sound.

"She will never hear a word about this, nor about your disgusting fantasies. I don't care what excuse you come up with. Got it?"

Juan's eyes drilled into his. He cowered.

"Y-yes," he whispered with trembling lips.

"Good."

Suddenly the boy grabbed the sides of his head, pulled him up and slammed his skull against the ground.

Then everything went black.


	73. What He Deserves

**THE PAST**

With little bites, June ate her sandwich. She wasn't hungry at all. There was a feeling of unrest in her stomach, warding off all food.

Erik hadn't been to school for four days.

Last Monday, when they had decided to work on their comic, he had sent her a text that he needed to go home because something had happened to his grandma.

The day after, she sent him a text to ask how his grandma was, on which he replied that she was in the hospital now, but that he had been hit by a car on his way to visit her, leaving him with a bad concussion. She asked him if he wanted her to come over, but he told her he needed sleep.

Yesterday she sent him another text, on which he hadn't replied. It bothered her.

"You're not hungry?" Juan gently nudged her arm.

She sighed. "Not really. I'm worried about Erik. Maybe I should stop by after school, to check up on him... He doesn't answer my texts."

"Well if he's not answering your texts, he definitely doesn't want to see you," Emilio chimed into the conversation. A smirk crossed his lips as he looked at Jordy. "At least that goes for me when I'm not answering."

"You're not answerin' because you're a dick," her friend answered dryly. "Nobody's surprised by that. But I don't know June – maybe watchin' a screen is making him feel sick? I would stop by after school if I were you. I can give you a ride? I neither would mind to join you, but I gotta go to judo class."

"That would be great, I can take the bus on my way back." She turned her face to Juan. "Unless you want to pick me up?"

Juan exchanged a look with Emilio, then he shrugged. "E and I are gonna watch a movie, but I can pick you up halfway?"

"No it's okay, it's a little ride with the bus." She knew Emilio didn't like Juan calling off things because of her, and she rather kept him on her good side.

"But are you sure you wanna go to Erik?" Juan asked. "I mean – he'll let you know when he wants to see ya, right?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I also thought I didn't want to see anybody after... Beth. But afterwards, I was glad Riley took me to your home."

The way he sucked in his lip a little, told her he was chewing it, something he did when he was feeling nervous. As she caught his glance, he quickly looked away. She suppressed a sigh. This wasn't about her wanting to spend time with a friend _again,_ right? She thought they'd gone over that at the pool party.

Luckily, he didn't say anything about it this time and June decided to put the subject to rest.

* * *

There were two more classes before school was over. She kissed Juan goodbye, she wouldn't see him tonight, and got into Jordy's car.

"Give him a hug from me," Jordy said, stopping the car in front of Erik's house.

"I will if someone lets me in," June sighed. "I don't know... I don't like not hearing anything from him..."

"He's probably just sleeping honey. Don't worry so much."

June nodded hesitantly, then she got out of the car and headed for the front door.

The door was opened by Erik's mom. She was a quiet, bit skittish woman, although she was always friendly.

"Hi," June said. "I eh – I wondered if I could visit Erik? I umm – I'm worried about him."

"He will like that." The woman smiled, although her smile didn't reach her eyes. Her face looked grayish, June thought. She was probably worried about her son too.

June turned around to wave at Jordy, who had waited until someone had opened the door, then her friend honked the horn and took off.

June entered the house and went straight to the stairs; she had been in his room a few times.

"Erik?" she asked softly. She knocked on the door before she swung it open.

June had expected to see him lying in bed, but he was sitting behind his desk playing with Lego. The moment he heard her enter the room, he turned his office chair.

She swallowed at the sight of his face. He was covered in bruises and there was a stitch close to his eyebrow.

"June..." he stammered. He stared at her as if _she_ was the one looking terrible. "You – you shouldn't have come here."

"What? Why not?" She walked closer to him. As he rolled back his chair, she stood still. Feeling insecure, she wrapped her arms around herself. "Did I do something wrong? Why don't you want to see me anymore?"

Shrugging his shoulders, he stared at the ground.

June didn't understand. Did he feel ashamed of the bruises? "You've seen me at my worst too, Erik, the day we met," she said quietly. "I – I would never judge you for it."

He didn't answer, he just kept staring at the floor.

June knelt beside him, laying a hand on his knee. She looked up to him. His breathing was troubled, tears were shining in his eyes.

"You know you can tell me everything, right?"

"Not everything," he whispered.

A tear slipped down his cheek.

June had the feeling her stomach was twisting. "What do you mean, not everything? Did I ever betray your trust? Or someone else's?"

His bottom lip trembled.

She really didn't get it. He had been hit by a car and suddenly he wanted to drop all contact? Or – or had he lied about the car? Her stomach cramped. Her glance glided across his swollen eyes, his bruised cheekbones. His face looked terrible – if this was caused by a car, shouldn't he at least have some broken bones?

"You weren't hit by a car, were you?" she asked quietly.

He turned his head away from her. "Please – please go. We can't hang out anymore."

His words squeezed her heart. "Please – please don't tell me Juan did this," she whispered.

No – that was ridiculous, right? He wasn't like that! He had gone rough on Beth, and on Rodey... but Erik had never hurt her!

Tears glided down her cheeks as he remained silent. Him not denying it, was an answer in itself.

June had the feeling the room was spinning around her. Dropping down on the floor, she started to cry. "Why – why would he do such a thing?"

Erik still clothed himself in silence.

June couldn't find the strength to get up. Bending her knees, she pressed her face against them, her arms wrapped around her legs. The sobs kept coming.

She heard his chair crack, then she felt two arms around her.

"Sorry," Erik whispered. "June I'm so sorry. Please – don't cry. Please."

June leaned into him. She couldn't stop the tears. It was just unimaginable – _Juan_ who had done this to her friend.

Soothingly, Erik rubbed her back. In the end she took a deep breath, wiping her eyes. "He told you to stay away from me," she concluded.

He sat down next to her, raking his fingers through his curls. "Yeah."

Anger flared up inside her. "He can't do this! Who the hell does he think he is?! And _why?!_ " Outraged, she shook her head. "What happened?"

Erik bent his head and stared at the floor. "I was putting my books in my locker. And then – then Emilio was suddenly standing next to me, telling me I had to get in his car. And I – I was scared. I didn't dare to put up a fight." He bit his lip. "Juan was waiting at the car. They made me sit down on the backseat and took me to some remote place. There – there they beat me up. I was told never to talk to you again. And – and if I would ever look at you again, they were going to tear my eyes out."

A shiver crept down her spine. She tasted bile. Was this really _her boyfriend_?

"But... why? I don't get it. We're just friends, I've told him so a dozen times!" Tears jumped in her eyes again.

Erik pursed his lips. At first he remained silent, then he said quietly: "He thinks that I'm in love with you."

"So? He can't beat up every person who has feelings for me?! Who does something like that! I – I just can't believe it!"

She hid her face behind her hands. What now? How could she be with a guy who did _this_? Her eyes started to itch again, her throat felt sore. The thought that she would lose Juan made her feel sick, but this... this was so so wrong.

"Is it true?" she asked eventually. "Not that it matters – what he did was horrible, whatever your feelings for me are. But..."

She sighed in defeat. Somehow all this would be even worse if it was all based on a misunderstanding.

"No, it's not true," he answered without looking at her. "I umm..." He took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes. "I'm into guys."

His voice was shaking, telling her he found it hard to confess it.

"I ehm – I was bullied on my former school, got a lot of beat-ups. Because I'm gay. So – it isn't that bad, I can handle it. I just thought... I hoped things would be different this time. But now – now they're beating me up because they think I'm in love with a _girl._ " His fingers combed through his hair, then his shoulders started to shake. "You really – you really were a nice friend. I really enjoyed working on our comic," he sobbed.

A lump formed in her throat. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight. "We will continue our comic, Erik. I am so sorry for what Juan did to you, I have no words for it. I don't – I don't even know if I still want to be with him." Hot tears glided down her cheeks. "But I have to talk to him. I – I believe you but I... I just don't get it."

Erik didn't look at her. "I see why you'd want to break up with him. But I'm not... I'm not sure we should continue our friendship. He might – he might do something worse to me."

"He won't. He's not like that, he's just trying to scare you."

Her voice lacked confidence.

She was shaking all over her body when she got up. Her insides seemed to be frozen. She had to hear Juan's side of the story before she could judge, his assumption that Erik had feelings for her couldn't be the only reason he did such a horrible thing, she simply refused to believe that. That would mean that she was together with a guy for three months without really knowing him.

She was so confused she didn't even say a decent goodbye to Erik as she left the room.

* * *

Emilio reached into the chip bag so loudly, Juan didn't even hear the door bell ring the first time. Only when the doorbell was pressed very long, he assumed he had missed the first attempt.

"You pause the movie?" Juan tossed the remote to his brother and got up.

Ever since June decided to go to Erik, there was a heavy feeling in his chest. Therefore, he wasn't really surprised when she turned out to be the one at the door.

There was a red tinge on her cheeks – but this time not because she was blushing. Before saying anything, she slapped his cheek. Dazed, he stared at her.

"How could you do that?!" she burst out. "How _could you_ , Juan! Beating up someone like that! And for what! Only because you believe that he's in love with me? Which is total bullshit, by the way!"

Juan felt his cheeks burn when the neighbor walked by, looking questioningly at the door. Quickly he grabbed June's wrist and pulled her into the hallway, closing the door.

She tore away her arm immediately.

Never before he had seen her so furious, he actually hadn't thought she had it in her.

He was looking for words, he didn't want to tell her about the descriptions he found.

She stared at him, tufts of hair hanging in front of her face. "You really got nothing to say?!"

"I..." He took a deep breath. "I had a good reason, June. I _know_ there are certain things he wants to do with you. Sexual things. I caught him... I'm not going to give you any details, for it's disgusting and it will hurt you. But please, trust me baby: that guy isn't as innocent as you think. He really isn't."

"It's all in your head!" she yelled. "There's nothing he wants to do with me, Juan. He's _gay._ He doesn't even _like_ girls! He just confessed it to me!"

Juan snorted, suddenly annoyed. "And you believe that? It's fucking bullshit. He just tells you what you want to hear so he can continue his perverse fantasies! I'm a guy, I _know_ when other guys are fantasizing about my girl – and I'm not talkin' about some cute daydreams you might have when you're in love, about holdin' hands and cuddlin' and all that shit. He's a sick motherfucker, the only thing he wants is fucking you! In ever fucking hole he can find!"

Juan's voice cracked, his breathing faltered. Fuck – he hadn't want to yell that. But the scenes Erik had written had been plaguing him for days, again and again they were painted in his mind. And to think that she had been with him just a while ago, that he was telling her sick excuses about being gay... It made no fucking sense and she was just too stupid to see!

With wide, shocked eyes June stared at him. Then the tears came. Spinning around, she stormed through the door. At the last second he grabbed her wrist.

"June..." His voice was trembling.

"Don't touch me!" she yelled. "You're insane! You're disgusting!"

" _I_ am disgusting?! June you have no idea what horrible things he writes about you!"

She tore away her arm, turned around and started to run.

Tears stung in his eyes. He however didn't go after her, knowing they were both too emotional, too upset.

He entered the hallway, slamming the door behind him. Avidly he tried to wipe away the tears, he didn't want Emilio and his brother to see them.

 _That motherfucking asshole. That disgusting, sick motherfucker!_

* * *

Juan needed a blunt and three beers before he calmed down a little.

"You gotta show it to her man," Emilio said after a while. "She's way too naive."

"It will hurt her so much.'

"She will learn from it. You did what you had to do, now you gotta prove her you were right."

"I dunno man," he sighed.

"Then listen to me, cause I _do know._ Right now she thinks you're some jealous crazy boyfriend. Shove these stories under her nose and she changes her tune. Yeah, she's probably gonna cry but you'll be there to comfort her. If you leave it at this, she's gonna dump you and she's gonna be in bed with that sick fucker within a few weeks."

The thought alone almost made him throw up. Never in his life he had hated someone so much.

"Okay," he answered quietly. "I'll go talk to her tomorrow."

Sighing, he rubbed his face. He felt hollow. He wanted to be around her, wanted to hold her in his arms. But she had yelled at him that he was insane and disgusting.

"Good," Emilio said. "Tomorrow you make things right with your lover. Tonight we're gonna teach that asshole a lesson. Let's see if he's really gay."

Juan sighed. "I'm not sure if..."

Mateo got up from the couch, pulling him on his feet. "That's enough whinin' for today, Juan. Man up. That piece of shit made everything worse, you can't let this unanswered. E's right – _you_ gotta show him who's in charge and that you're not acceptin' this shit. If he regretted what he did, he would have told June the truth instead of pretendin' to be a faggot. All he's tryin' to do is gainin' her trust and pullin' her away from you."

Juan bit the inside of his cheek. His brother was right, he couldn't let the fucker walk over him.

"So what will we do? Give him another beat up? Didn't really help last time..."

Emilio lifted the corner of his mouth. "He's only talkin' shit when he's with her. Around us he's a total pussy. I know how to get him on his knees, how to break him." He aimed his glance at Mateo. "All we need is his phone number, lemme take care of the rest."

* * *

"You really think he's coming?" Juan sighed. He looked over his shoulder to the back seat. It was dark, the phone screen spread a bright light.

"Yeah. Last Monday he followed me like a damn puppy because he was afraid I would spread his stories around school. As long as we have that notebook, he'll do whatever the hell we tell him to," Emilio answered confidently.

Juan slumped down on his seat, lighting a cigarette.

Miraculously, a door was opened; a hunched up figure quickly crossed the street. Emilio opened the back door.

"Come in, Curly. Lets have a lil fun."

Erik said nothing. Quietly he sat down in the car, staring at his knees, his shoulders slumped down.

Juan looked at him, he was sitting there like a poor little bird.

"That's him?" He heard the surprise in Mateo's voice.

"Yeah," Juan grunted.

His brother nodded and took off; Juan directed him to the same condemned building they had taken the boy to a few days ago.

Juan stared out of the window. Although he knew he should derive satisfaction from this, he didn't. Instead, he thought of June. What if she would break up with him? The thought squeezed his throat. He didn't want to lose her, he needed her, he _loved_ her. No – the minute she read the pages she would understand. She wouldn't approve, but she wouldn't be as much disgusted as she was now. It would be Erik she'd be disgusted of.

Only when Mateo parked the car, he realized they had reached their destination. The boys left the car and surrounded Erik, who was staring at the ground.

Juan looked at Emilio. This had been his idea, he didn't really know what they were doing here. Except for teaching him a lesson. Would they just beat him up again?

"We heard you've been talkin' to June," Emilio started. "You forgot our lil agreement, hmm? – Yo, look at me when I'm talkin' to you, shithead."

Juan gritted his teeth. As pathetic as the boy looked now – again and again he thought about the things he wrote. Suddenly he understood how he had been able to fool June – he had probably even cried.

"She – she came to me," Erik stuttered. "She – I told her to leave."

"You told her about the porn you wrote?"

"No." His voice was barely a whisper.

A deep silence fell.

"But you did tell her something else, huh? That you're gay. So what are we supposed to believe now, Curly? You're a sick perv getting off on someone's else's girl – or are you a faggot? Well? Can't heaaar you?" Emilio held his hand behind his ear.

Juan's eyes flashed to his brother, who was leaning nonchalantly against the car, an amused smirk on his face.

When Erik started to mumble, he turned back his head.

"Hey, we can't hear you," Mateo said. "Which of those creeps are you? A little pervert or a cocksucker, huh?"

"I'm – I'm gay."

Juan rolled his eyes. Was that fucker really holding on to that lie in their faces?

"If you're gay, then why writin' all those disgustin' things about my homie's girl?" Emilio asked.

"Because I – because I hate being gay. I – I don't want to be gay." Erik's lips started to tremble. His tears annoyed Juan so much he wanted to slam his fist into his face.

"Get on your knees," Emilio said.

When the boy didn't move, Juan kicked his knee pits, making him fall. "You deaf? On your fuckin' knees, asshole."

Erik fell on his knees.

"So you're gay, huh? You love dicks?" Juan's eyes widened when Emilio started to unbuckle his belt. "Prove it."

Juan studied Erik's face. He was shaking, tears were leaking from his eyes.

"Damn what a pathetic kid." Mateo showed up next to him, leaning with his arm on Juan's shoulder. "He's one step away from calling his mommy."

"Well you can call me daddy now." Emilio smirked, winking at Erik.

The boy bent his head, his shoulders were shaking.

Juan glanced at Emilio's face when his friend lowered his pants and boxers, grabbing himself and starting to pump it up. Emilio obviously loved the dominant position he was in; with an arrogant glance he looked down on the boy. "Well, go on. Prove that you're gay. Suck my dick."

Erik looked over his shoulder, desperation radiating from his face as he looked at Juan.

Juan lifted the corner of his mouth. "I hope you choke on his dick, asshole."

The tears streaming down Erik's face, left him cold. He deserved this. With his filthy fantasies, his smooth talk, his sick lies. He deserved every fucking tear.


	74. No More

**THE PAST**

It had been Emilio's intention to humiliate the boy, to break him, to make him cry and admit that he was a filthy liar getting off on June.

Not for a moment it had occurred to him that Erik might really come closer, lay his fingers around his dick and start to suck him.

When it happened, it wasn't so much Erik who was panicking, but rather Emilio. The moment he felt the guy's lips around his dick, his first instinct was to push the faggot away. However, he was afraid of what Juan and Mateo would think of him. He didn't want to be a pussy, _Erik_ was the loser. _He_ had told the guy to suck him, so how pathetic would he look if he was the one backing out? His eyes shot to his friends. Juan was staring at the boy just as bewildered as Emilio felt; around Mateo's lips laid an amused smirk.

"Well, guess it's your lucky day, E," he winked.

Emilio tried to shake off the awkwardness. Mateo made it sound like this wasn't fucking weird, making him relax a little. He looked down. Erik's curls were hanging in front of his face so he could barely see it. His shoulders were still shaking and the trembling way his lips moved around his heated flesh made Emilio believe that he was still crying. But why the hell would he do this if he didn't want it?! It wasn't like Emilio had threatened to crush his skull; all he had done was giving him the chance to prove that he was really gay.

"Fuck," he grunted as Erik's mouth clenched around him and suck harder. His breathing fell heavier. Fuck – this actually felt good. His fingers were tingling, he wanted to bury them in his brown curls to lead his movements, but he wasn't sure what the others would think of that.

His arms felt heavy as lead now he didn't know what to do with them. He hadn't been sucked that often that this was a routine for him.

His thoughts silenced as Erik's tongue circled around him. For a moment he felt the cold night air against his wet skin, then Erik took all of him inside his mouth again.

His cock was throbbing, craving for more. Did the faggot like it? He shouldn't like it... he was doing this to please _him._ As the tension was building up inside his body, he grabbed Erik's head with both hands, pulled him closer and thrust inside his mouth.

The guy gagged as Emilio reached deep into his throat. Pulling away his head, he rubbed his throat. With teary eyes he looked up to Emilio.

For some reason the look in his eyes made him fucking horny; it felt like liquid power was coursing through his veins.

"Go on," he panted.

Erik nodded almost imperceptibly, dropped his eyes and started to suck his dick again. Emilio's eyes shot to the side. Juan had turned his head the other way. Did he think it was disgusting? It wasn't that different from having a girl knelt in front of you, right? As long as he wasn't the one sucking dicks, there was nothing gay about it.

His glance slid to the side. Mateo leaned against the car, his hands in his pockets. The moment he caught Emilio's eyes, his grin widened. "And? Is he skilled?"

Oh yeah – he was skilled. His fingers were leaving the right pressure on his balls, his teeth slightly scraping his sensitive skin and his strokes were long and effective.

He wanted to answer – but suddenly he started to sweat and a deep moan left his mouth. He heard Mateo chuckle, the sound causing a wave of pleasure rolling over him. Longing for control, he grabbed Erik's head and slammed inside the guy's mouth. Although the boy was trying to turn away from him, Emilio tightened his grasp to thrust again.

"No fuckin' way," he panted, his voice dark. "You're gonna finish this."

Erik's hand clutched around his thigh trying to keep himself upright while Emilio lost his inhibitions and mouth fucked him until tinglings were taking over his body, making him jolt and moan. It was a savage orgasm he could feel into his toes, and when the feeling faded away he felt... displaced, as if he had lost something dear.

He needed a few seconds to catch his breath, then he looked down at Erik. He had dropped at the ground and was staring down.

Emilio wanted to make a demeaning remark, but right know he couldn't think at all; he was completely blown away by the heavy orgasm he just received. He swallowed, his mouth felt dry. For some reason he didn't dare to look the two brothers in the eye.

Instead, he pulled up his pants and boxers, fastening his belt. Then he squared his shoulders, trying to push away his embarrassment. He gave Erik a dirty look, who was still sitting on the ground like a pathetic mess.

"Yo fag, you think you're already done?" Mateo asked. "You were lookin' good boy. Gimme a blow too."

Mateo's compelling voice was hard to ignore, and so Erik looked up as well. Fear was written all over his face, tears were filling his eyes again. Damn, what was wrong with this kid?

"C'mon boy. The sooner you're finished, the sooner we can all go home. I'm a size bigger than E, let's see if you know what do with that."

Emilio felt embarrassed, uncomfortably he shoved his feet across the ground. He wasn't that small, right?

"I – I don't want anymore," Erik muttered. "Please, let me go. I – I'll never talk to June again. I promise. Please let me go."

"C'mon, stop bein' a baby. You love to suck dick. I could see it on your face."

Erik wiped his eyes; his whole body was shaking. Nevertheless something made him crawl towards the car, sitting down in front of Mateo.

"Good boy."

Holding his breath, Emilio watched how Mateo lowered his pants and set his erection in motion with one hand. He really was way bigger than he... Never before he had seen someone being blown – not live – but for some reason he couldn't look away.

The hesitation Emilio had felt, didn't plague Mateo; he leaned into the car, totally relaxed, and he stroked the boy's hair almost lovingly as Erik started to suck.

"You really are a little slut, aren't you?" Mateo bent over, pressing a kiss in Erik's hair.

The boy tensed and looked up. Emilio couldn't see the look in his eyes, but he saw how Mateo kept caressing his face.

"You're doing great little boy." His fingers raked through Erik's curls. "You like this?"

As Erik looked up, he nodded in silence.

"You're not noddin' just to please me, huh? Is this still some weird attempt to convince us you're gay? Why don't you show me how much you like my dick? Drop your pants." His fingers stroked across Erik's jaw.

Emilio's glance followed them almost breathlessly. He envied his confidence, the power that was radiating from him. Erik could neither resist, bending his head he pulled down his pants, his boxers including. His erection was jumping up the moment it was freed.

Mateo whistled through his teeth. "Damn, you're almost about to cum, aren't you? Well make sure you don't. Daddy has to cum first, you've learnt that, right?"

Erik nodded quietly. He wanted to pull up his pants, but Mateo grabbed his chin. "Did Daddy tell you to pull up your pants?"

In silence, he shook his head.

"Good boy." He led the boy back to his waist, moaning in approval as he took him in again. Mateo's eyes left Erik's face and rested upon Emilio, a mocking glance in them. "You like to watch kid? You're almost droolin'."

Emilio felt his cheeks turn flaming red. Even worse; he realized he really had a boner.

"No," he muttered.

Mateo chuckled, winking at him. "It's okay. I don't mind to inspire people." His fingers glided through Erik's curls again, although he didn't look away from Emilio. "Unless you want to gain some experience yourself? Don't think you'll beat this guy, tho."

"That's gross." He tasted bile. "I'm not gonna suck your dick man."

Mateo shrugged his shoulders. "You don't know what you're missing bro." He returned his attention to Erik and whispered in the boy's ear.

Emilio turned away from the two. There was a strange feeling in his stomach, something close to nausea but a little different. He noticed that Juan was no longer standing next to him and walked around the car.

His friend was sitting on the other side, his back towards the car, staring at the deserted road. A cigarette was clutched between his fingers, seemingly forgotten.

Emilio sat down beside him. Feeling awkward, not sure what his friend would think of him now. His fingers were slightly trembling as he lighted a smoke, sucking the nicotine deep into his lungs. He wished he had taken a joint with him.

On the other side of the car he heard Mateo's moans, the sound chasing goosebumps across his arms. Damn – what was wrong with him tonight? He didn't feel like himself.

"Hey lil brother," he heard a little later. Mateo was standing a few steps away from them. "You want a blow too?"

"Me pissin' all over him is the only way he's gettin' anywhere near my dick. Lucky for him, I don't have to take a piss." He got up. "Can we go now?"

Emilio stood up as well, opening the back door. Yeah, he wanted to leave this place as well. Over the car roof he looked at Erik, who had crawled into corner, his arms wrapped around his knees.

Well – their mission had succeeded. They had humiliated him, he was obviously gay and he had even left him with a mind blowing orgasm.

Still there was a tight feeling in his chest, one that refused to leave, no matter how he was sitting.

The two brothers sat down in the front seats. Mateo pulled up, rolling back to the road.

"Well – one thing's sure. That guy's fuckin' gay."

"Great," Juan groaned. "Exactly what I needed. June was right."

"Hey, he still wrote that shit about her. He shouldn't have done that, it's simple as that. And who knows – he might as well get off on everything that breathes." With a smirk Mateo honked the horn, waving at the shadow on the ground. "Never saw such a waste of space before. June should be a little more picky in choosing her friends."

Juan stared out of the window. "If she ever finds out about this, she'll never want to talk to me again."

"Why not? You did shit," Mateo answered, shrugging his shoulders. "We didn't force him into anything."

Juan sighed deeply. "Bet she'll think differently."

"He's keeping his mouth shut," Emilio said. "He's never going to admit to anyone that he sucked our dicks. He's fucking embarrassed." Rolling down the window, he dropped the butt of his cigarette.

Juan leaned his head against the headrest, staring at the ceiling. He had his doubts.

* * *

Erik couldn't stop crying. He had wrapped his arms around his knees, rocking himself.

This never should have happened again.

He had told himself so many times that this would never happen again, that he wouldn't let himself be used as some fuck toy again.

But he had.

He was disgusted with himself. With his thoughts. His body.

He didn't understand how he was able to have fantasies about someone like Emilio; someone who hurt him, who humiliated him. He didn't understand why it turned him on at night. And even here...

Sobbing, he thought of Juan's brother. The fingers that had stroked his hair so lovingly, caressing his face, his lips on his head. The whispers, the empty promise that he would get something in return.

For a moment it had felt so real. Even though he had known it wasn't – still there had been that longing that the guy cared about him. He had been so gentle after Emilio's roughness... It had alerted all his senses. He had craved for his love, had desperately longed for it...

And like all times before, he had fooled himself.

He didn't understand how it could have happened _again._ The moment he had dropped on his knees before his classmate, it felt like his instincts had taken over. That instinct to please guys, knowing he would get hurt if he didn't, as had happened to him so many times. He had sucked dozens of dicks, he had told himself. There was nothing new about this.

And still, it broke him over and over again, and over and over again he was disgusted with himself. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why had he this obsession for guys who dominated him, who treated him like trash? What the hell was wrong with him?!

He had fought so hard to break lose from his tormentors; had changed schools, avoided all places he used to come. And school hadn't even started for a month and he was making the same mistakes. History was repeating.

Would this place become his new hell? Would Emilio send him a text every few days, telling him to get into his car?

He could still feel their dicks in his mouth, making him bent over and puke.

He hated them.

He hated himself.

No wonder nobody gave a shit about him and only used him as a whore. He had no self respect at all, so how could he expect someone else to have it?

He was weak, he was a coward. Again and again he let others use him.

Sobbing, he wiped his eyes.

No, this had to stop. He didn't want to become their new toy, he didn't want to be anyone's toy anymore. He didn't want to be anything at all anymore.

* * *

 _Trigger for suicidal thoughts/acts!_

* * *

An hour later Erik was standing in his room. His mother was already sleeping, she didn't care what happened to him. Since dad had run away with some guy, she hated him too. Homosexuality. The sickness that tore apart their family.

For a sickness, it was.

He felt how it controlled his brain, how the disgusting fantasies were pummeling him. He had tried it – he had tried so hard to become straight.

But he was sick, and he never would get better. Taking a deep breath, he blinked away the tears. He opened one of the bottles vodka he had taken from downstairs and emptied the bottle of pills in his hand. He popped a few into his mouth, swallowed them with the alcohol and continued to do so until both the alcohol and pills were gone.

Then he dragged himself to his bed, curling up into a ball and waiting until he would never wake up again.


	75. Conflicted

**THE PAST**

For a long time June doubted whether she would go to Jordy or whether she would tell her mom what happened. In the end, she did neither of those things. She was just so shocked, she simply felt so _ashamed_ of her boyfriend that she didn't even dare to talk to the ones in which she used to confide. Discovering this side of him hurt, and she knew it would hurt her mom too. She finally had a son-in-law and she knew her mother loved him; and now he had done a horrible thing. It was just beyond her comprehension – it really was.

Although her mother probably sensed that something was wrong, she didn't insist and June was glad about it. Right now she just wanted to hide under the blankets, no longer thinking about what Juan had done. Tomorrow, she would decide how to move on.

For she loved him – she loved him with all her heart.

But if he didn't feel regret about an act like this... then she could no longer be with him.

* * *

June woke up because of the buzzing sound of her phone. She sat up straight. Her eyelids felt heavy and swollen; she'd probably cried herself to sleep. Her throat felt soar. She touched for the vibrating device on her nightstand and pulled it towards her. It was Erik, she saw to her surprise.

"Hey." Her voice sounded hoarse when she took the call.

"June? June..." Her name sounded kind of dragging; different then his usual speech like there was something in his mouth. "I... I wanted to tell you 'm sorry. I was desperate. Didn't wanna hurt you... Sorry June. Sorry."

He whispered, gluing the words together. It took a lot of effort to understand him.

"Please... Please tell me... you leave him. He's not good June. He's mean. He... they..." A sob.

Her stomach cringed. "I'm sorry Erik," she whispered. In her eyes tears were stinging too. "I still can't believe they beat you up."

He didn't speak for a while. She heard him cry and it broke her heart.

"They – they did much worse. I – I can't do this anymore June. Sorry. I hope – I hope you want to finish our comic. Don't – don't miss me my sweet June. I – I don't deserve that. But please – please leave him. You deserve so much better."

The hairs on her arms stood upright. This sounded like a goodbye. "Erik? Erik what are you talking about?"

A long, deep sigh. Then he started to sob again.

"It hurts so much."

"What? What hurts, Erik?"

"My stomach. But – but it will be over soon. Everything will be over soon. I just – I just wanted to hear your voice one last time. I think – I think you're the only friend I ever had."

A sudden wave of fear rolled over her.

"Erik! Where are you? What's going on?"

"Goodbye June," he answered softly. "If guardian angels exist... I'll become yours."

"Erik?" Silence. "Erik!"

He had ended the call.

June jumped off her bed. _Don't cry, don't cry,_ she kept telling herself. She was afraid that Erik was trying to end his life and she might be the only one who could save him. She couldn't panic, she would never forgive herself if he really died because of her emotional state.

But what could she do? How could she find him? Where would someone go to if he wanted to end his life? Probably to a place where no one would find him.

Her breathing went so quickly she felt dizzy. She had to find him, but how... _how_?! The phone call was the only lead she had. If she called the police, would they be able to trace the call? But it would probably take a lot of time, she didn't dare to go all in with them.

Mateo! She knew he had a reputation as a hacker; that he had changed his grades when he was still in school. It might just be rumors, like so many things that were said about him, but she thought it was her best shot and she called Juan.

"June?" Juan's voice sounded tense.

"Mateo – is Mateo with you?"

He was silent for a moment. "What's going on? Are you okay baby?"

No, she wasn't okay. Her lips started to quiver and before she knew it she was crying again. "Please hand the phone to Mateo, Juan."

"Okay."

His voice sounded defeated, but right now she could care less.

"Hey. You okay girl?"

For the first time in her life, Mateo's voice calmed her down. Although Juan panicked easily, his brother seemed unshakable. Exactly what she needed right now.

"Are you able to trace a call? A friend just called me. I think – I think he's going to commit suicide. I – I don't know what to do." Frantically she wiped her eyes. Her whole body was shaking.

"Yea, can do that. What's his number?"

"I don't know it by heart," she whispered. "I'll – I'll text you."

"Very well, girl. I got this. I'm gonna send Juan to pick you up while I figure out where he is."

June sniveled quietly. "Thank you."

After texting him Erik's number, she went to the bathroom and washed her face, hoping the cold water would help her to stay alert. Later, there would be plenty of time to cry; right now she had to keep it together.

She descended the stairs, crossing the silent living room. Her mother was sleeping.

Outside, she waited on the side of the road. She was looking for Juan's bike, so she was a little surprised when a car pulled up in front of her. The window slid down.

"Well, get in," he said bluntly.

Dazed, June stared at Emilio. What was he doing here? Still, she quickly walked around the car and sat down on the passenger seat. Before she could fastened the seat belt, he took off.

"Where's Juan?" she asked quietly.

"He's having a panic attack."

Emilio didn't look at her. His face was rigid, as if he was mad that someone was ruining his evening by trying to kill himself. Her thoughts wandered to Juan. He was probably blaming himself for Erik's desperate act. Although she was still angry with him – now maybe more than ever – the thought that he believed that someone wanted to die because of something he did, was unbearable. He had been the last straw at most. June had been beaten up herself too; that was definitely no reason to end your life. Although she had believed that Erik and she were close, she realized now he had never shown her what was _really_ going on in his life. For only a lot of pain could lead to a drastic action like this.

She stared outside. Every second passing by, felt like one wasted. Images plagued her. Of Erik's bleeding wrists, his sprawling body below a rope, his crushed body under an overpass... She couldn't stop it; she started to cry again.

Very lightly she felt a hand above her knee, squeezing her after a short hesitation. "Hey, we'll find him. Everything will be fine."

Even Emilio's voice sounded emotional – something she had never heard before. Never before she had seen him trying to comfort someone. It didn't really put her at ease; it felt forced, although she appreciated the gesture. It had to be a big threshold for him.

They didn't talk while driving to Juan's house. His hand moved back to the gearshift and strange enough, June wished he would put back his hand – which he didn't. She just had this desperate need to feel a comforting arm, a comforting gesture. Even if it was coming from Emilio.

"He's home," Mateo said the moment she stepped into the hallway. His eyes were restless, it felt like he was taking this personal. It surprised her that not only Emilio was hit by the news. Had she misjudged these boys all the time?

"Home?" she repeated, feeling dazed. "Someone who wants to commit suicide... he wouldn't do that at home, right?"

"Often they do. As some... feeling of comfort," Mateo said. "I called the ambulance."

"Can we – go there?"

Mateo nodded. Past her he looked at Emilio.

"I stay with Juan," he said.

June felt guilty for not even entering the living room to check upon her boyfriend, but it was Erik whose life was in danger and not Juan's. Furthermore she was afraid that his panic would stir up hers, and right now she was rather around someone radiating calmness.

Mateo nudged her shoulder, as if he also wanted to keep her from going to Juan. Quickly she left the hallway, heading for the car.

"What exactly did he say?" Mateo asked once he sat behind the wheel.

"It was hard to hear him." She tried to remember his words. "He said he couldn't do this anymore... that I shouldn't miss him. That he hoped to become a guardian angel... my guardian angel."

Tears slipped down her cheeks.

"How did he sound?"

Mateo's questions sounded determined, keeping the sadness and the fear from dragging her along.

"Did he sound resigned? Was he panicking?"

"He – I think he was drunk. He said – he said his stomach hurt a lot."

Mateo ran a hand across his stubbly jaw, looking briefly at her. "I think he OD't with quite a bit alcohol. That's good, girl. I think you act promptly, I think they will be able to get him a stomach pump."

That hope increased as they neared Erik's house; the ambulance was already there. Getting out of the car, they kept standing close to the ambulance. Mateo wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close.

June was shaking. She leaned into him, afraid her knees would collapse otherwise. The door was ajar, but she didn't know what was better: getting inside or waiting here. Since she wasn't really able to move, she stayed where she was.

After what felt like forever, the door opened. Paramedics left the house, carrying a gurney with Erik on it.

"He's not covered," Mateo whispered. "He's still alive." He kissed her temple.

The sight of his pallid face was horrible. His eyes were shut, his chest wasn't moving. She wasn't convinced at all that he was still alive.

And then his mother left the house. In tears. It felt like she didn't even recognize June, she walked straight past her and went into the ambulance.

June shivered, she felt ice cold.

As the doors of the ambulance closed and the vehicle took off with sirens screaming, she flinched. What if this was the last time she'd seen him? What if tomorrow she would receive the news that he was dead?

She started to cry again. Mateo turned her around, pulling her in his arms. She held him tightly, pressing her face against his hard chest.

As much as they looked like each other, he felt different, smelled different.

"Juan," she whispered. "I – I want Juan."

"Or course sweetie." He raised her chin, looking at her. "I'll take you to Juan and I will make sure someone keeps us posted about Erik."

June didn't ask how. She had no doubt he had his ways – like he had his ways for _everything._

* * *

The moment she entered the room, Juan looked up. He was sitting on the couch, huddled. His eyes were red, his cheeks tear-stained. Emilio was sitting next to him, but his glance told her he didn't know what to do to help his friend.

Before she could walk towards the boys, Mateo's fingers slid around her wrist, keeping her from leaving.

"If you go to him, you have to stay with him." Although his voice sounded soft, his tone was as compelling as always. "Whatever he's gonna tell you. No matter how angry you're gonna be. If you calm him down now and leave a few moments later, you will make it worse for him and I won't let that happen."

"I stay with him," she said softly. Seeing him like this, repressed all her anger.

"Promise me June. He's a mess, he lost it. Soon he won't know what he says anymore and he's gonna confess something he wanted to keep from you earlier today because he's scared as hell to lose you forever. So if you love him like I think you do, you should go to him and stay with him. If not – then go home and don't give him the hope that your love for him is unconditionally. Cause the blow will be ten times worse."

June looked to the side.

There was so much despair radiating from him that she was afraid this image would plague her for the rest of her life if she turned her back on him now. What could he possibly have done if not only he was afraid that she would break up, but even his brother feared that response? It had to be more than the beat-up alone.

"Did he see Erik tonight?" she asked.

Mateo didn't look away. "He did."

"Are you guys the reason..."

She swallowed, the answer was obvious. Finally she understood why even Emilio was so shaken up, why Mateo was so helpful. They felt guilty.

"Juan didn't do anything," Mateo said. "He wanted to go home."

June didn't know if she believed him. He might as well be trying to exonerating his little brother.

"What – what did you do to him?"

June felt cold to the bone. She was nauseous, she couldn't even _think_ of something they could have done to him.

Mateo looked aside to Juan, who was shaking his head in panic. Then he laid a hand on her side, gently pushing her into the hallway.

"Juan found a notebook," he started after closing the door to the living room. "It was Erik's. It's somewhere inside the house, he let me read some pieces. Believe me – it makes my porn collection look like cartoons. It was about you, June. About Erik and you. They were very detailed sex scenes. In which you sucked his dick, in which he took you anally, in which he tied you up."

She flinched as he summed it up, feeling stabs in her stomach. No – no this couldn't be! This was making no sense, this couldn't be the same Erik!

"He wrote about Juan too. That he was your obsessive boyfriend. That he beat you up. That he threatened to kill him if you would leave him."

June covered her mouth with her hand. She couldn't get her mind around it. Suddenly she understood the anger that must have filled Juan's heart. And still – still she couldn't believe it. It was so not Erik.

"When you told him today that Erik was gay, none of us believed it. Why would we? We had seen some of his fantasies about you. He should have kept his distance from you, instead he came with this lame excuse. He obviously didn't get the message. So we picked him up from his home. He got in the car voluntarily. We took him to a remote place where Emilio told him to get down on his knees and prove that he was gay by sucking his dick. Which he did. We didn't force him into anything, we didn't threaten him. We just asked him to prove it and we were all blindsided when he was actually doing it. E liked it," he continued, shrugging his shoulders. "He was obviously skilled so I told him to blow me too."

June stepped away from him. She had the feeling she had to puke. "And – and Juan?" she whispered.

"Juan only wants to feel your lips," he said with a slight smirk.

A wave of heat rushed through her, this time she was _really_ close to throwing up. How could he still make light remarks like that after what he'd done!

Suddenly she could no longer be in the same room with him. She moved past him to the front door and fled the house. Right when she left the front yard, bile crept up her throat and she puked. Sobbing, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

What was wrong with these guys?! With _all of them_?! Were all boys so... insane? So hypersexualized, so... disgusting?!

She wrapped her arms around herself, imagining it was Juan who was holding her, trying to decide whether she would like it or not.

She didn't know.

She really didn't know what to feel anymore.


	76. Space

**THE PAST**

"YOU TOLD HER?!" Juan screamed at his brother. "You fucking told her?!" He clenched his fists in powerlessness, slamming them against Mateo's chest.

"I told her so you won't have to," Mateo answered calmly. He grabbed his wrists and looked him straight in the eye. "You gotta calm down. Your yelling and sobbin' ain't helpin' anyone Juan."

"How the hell can I ever calm down?! Someone tried to kill himself because of something we did! And June – June is going to break up with me! And I – I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her."

He was too hysterical to be able to fight the tears, even though he had already cried so much he felt tired.

"Listen to me." Mateo grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up. "Listen. What Erik did, had nothing to do with us. He's not right in the head, Juan. That explains his dirty little stories and the fact that he wanted to suck our dicks. He probably felt ashamed afterwards, but we did nothing against his will."

"Oh get real!" Juan snapped. "He was bawlin' his eyes out man! It was fucking obvious that he didn't want to blow you two. A few days ago we beat the shit outta him, he was just terrified!"

"Yeah, he was terrified. But that was what was turnin' him on, Juan. He's clearly a sub, E and me dominating him was makin' him fuckin' horny. I saw his leaking cock man. He _wanted it._ Fuck it – that prick was close to beggin' me to fuck him in the ass."

Juan felt ice cold. He pressed a fist against his lips as his stomach contents rose. "Whether he wanted it or not – fact is that nothing would have happened to him if we'd stayed home!" The tears jumped in his eyes again. He pictured Erik in a coffin, his face pale, his eyes closed forever. He could hear June's sobs, could see the hatred in her eyes when he was making a move to comfort her.

"Then it would have happened another time," Mateo answered. "One doesn't kill himself on a whim, Juan. He must have been plagued with suicidal thoughts for a long while. It's not our fault."

"Well it does feel like it's our fault!" he sobbed, wiping his eyes. "June will believe it's my fault. She probably never wants to see me again."

"That's not true, Juan," a soft voice told him.

The door towards the hallway opened and June stepped into the living room. Her puffy eyes told him she had been crying too and he wondered how long she had been there listening to them. "It's not your fault if he dies. It's – it's like the situation with Katie. She hurt Mateo, he took revenge and she couldn't handle it. It's not that different now. If someone commits suicide it's never because of one person, of one event. Yeah, you were part of it. But the same goes for me. I considered him as a close friend and I had no idea how lost he felt. I guess I could never offer him the safety he needed to talk about his problems. I have failed as a friend."

Juan bent his head. He wanted to deny it; he wanted to tell her there was nothing she could have done about it but he knew she would disagree and that his opinion didn't really matter since he didn't know much about their friendship.

"You already heard something from the hospital?" June asked Mateo.

Juan was aware of the distance she was keeping from him. Since their fight she hadn't touched him. He knew how broken he looked; better than anyone she knew how lost he felt but she still choose not to hug him. It caused a stabbing feeling in his chest and he blinked away a new wave of tears.

"Haven't really gotten the time for it," Mateo answered. "But gimme a few minutes to hack into the patient files." He turned towards the desk and sat down behind his laptop.

A suffocating silence filled the room. Juan looked at June, who had wrapped her arms around herself and stared at the floor. Should he take the first step? He didn't dare to, he was too afraid to be rejected.

His eyes flashed to Emilio, who was still sitting on the couch. He sat bent over, his elbows leaning on his knees while his hands supported his head. His glance was aimed at the floor as well. The fact that he was so silent, told Juan how bad he felt about the situation, even though Juan was the only one who had cried.

But then again, they weren't close to lose the love of their lives.

"He's brought to the hospital about 45 minutes ago," Mateo said. "They got him a stomach pump. He will stay at the hospital for at least one day, but his life is no longer in danger."

June started to sob in relief.

Juan responded instinctively, before he knew it he had pulled her in his arms, buried his face in her hair and cried with her. Her body was shaking against his, her fists clenching at his shirt, resting on his back. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was, how insanely much he loved her, how terrified he was of losing her but his lips were quivering too much to allow a word to pass.

He raised his head a little and looked over his shoulder to his brother and Emilio. Mateo had sat down next to his friend and spoke softly to him, an arm wrapped around his shoulder, his head resting against Emilio's. Briefly, Emilio wiped his eyes; the relief had been unexpected for him too.

He turned his head back to June and kissed her hair. "You wanna stay a little longer?" he asked quietly. "Just... together?"

She looked up at him, studying his face. Then she nodded slowly. "Okay."

They quietly said their goodbyes to Emilio and Mateo and headed for Juan's room. There was a tense silence between them and Juan didn't know how to break it. She sat down on the edge of his bed, folding her shaking hands between her knees. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. What would she want? For him to sit down next to her or rather not?

In the end he crouched down in front of her, taking her hands in his and kissing her fingers.

"I don't know what to say," he said softly, his glance cast at the ground. "I – I love you."

She didn't answer.

Fear squeezed his throat, made his whole body tremble. "Do you – do you still love me June?" he whispered.

"I don't know."

He flinched. "You – you don't know?"

"I know you as a sweet guy, but you can be really mean too. Say whatever you want, but there is a thin line – or maybe not even a line anymore – between what you three did today and sexual abuse. You might not be the one carrying out the act, but you neither stopped the others. That is just as horrible."

Juan pursed his lips. No, he had done nothing to stop them. On the contrary; when Erik had looked at him with a desperate look in his eyes, he had told him he hoped that he would choke on Emilio's dick.

"Did Mateo tell you what he wrote about you?" he asked.

"Yeah. He – gave some examples."

He looked up to her. "But – but can't you see why I did it? Don't you think it's disgusting what he wrote?"

June kept his glance. The look in her eyes was surprisingly cold, running a shiver down his spine. "Yes, I think it's disgusting. But be honest Juan. Did you never fantasize about me? Before I was your girlfriend?"

"I did," he muttered.

"And your brother? Your friend? You think they never fantasize about me?"

"I hope not," he grunted.

"Well they do. Emilio told me himself, how Mateo and he were discussing what positions they would like to try with me. When they were watching porn, when we had our first date." Her jaw clenched. "Your brother wanted me to ride him, he wanted to _teach me_ how to ride him, and your friend preferred doggy style. And now what? Now you rush out of the room to beat them up? No – you won't do so because you're not even surprised. This is just how they are. You know it, I know it. It was a real shock for me, but by now I know that's the way the think about every girl."

"But that's the point!" he interrupted her. "If there had been just one scene about you, and all the others about other girls, things would have been different! But they were _all_ about you, June! Only you! That guy is obsessed with you. What would you wish I'd done? I thought beating him up would be enough, but then he just told you he was gay and you believed him. What else was I supposed to do, knowing what sick fantasies he had when he was with you?!"

"You could have told me! You could have told me you found the notebook, then I could have confronted Erik with it or we even could have faced him together! Why did you do it all behind my back? Is there no openness in our relationship at all?"

"I wanted to protect you! I thought it would hurt you, it hurt _me_ June! Even Mateo and Emilio were abhorred by what they read and they've seen and done a lot! But you know what? Maybe you should read it!" He jumped up, yanked open the drawer of his desk and took out the notebook, throwing it at her. "Come on, read it yourself! Just read about all the things he wants to shove inside you, how you beg him to be chained to a bed, how I'm beating and whipping you until you bleed! This is no secret bedroom fantasy June, he took this _to school._ He wrote this at school, while you were close! Everyone could have found this. And then what?!" He started to sob again, frantically wiping his eyes. "I don't get it. How can you be more shocked by my response than by what he did?! But maybe I was right all along. Maybe you love him more than you love me – maybe you already knew about his fantasies."

"I didn't know, Juan." Sighing, she got up. "And that's not true, you know that."

"How would I know?!" he sobbed. "A minute ago you told me you don't know if you still love me."

"I was angry and shocked. I'm sorry I said that to you." She came to stand across from him, laying a hand against his cheek and looking him in the eye. "I love you Juan. It's just... Every time you hurt someone because of me, it's so extreme. Rodey ends up at the ICU, Beth was humiliated in front of the whole school and Erik..."

"But how could I have known this June? How could I have known that he was going to blow Emilio and Mateo, feeling so ashamed afterwards that he wanted to kill himself? I – I couldn't have known that, right?"

"No, you couldn't have known but you can't tell me that what you three were doing didn't feel wrong. Why else did you plan on keeping it from me?"

He bent his head. "I was mad," he whispered. "I hated him at that moment. And I – I just can't get my head around the whole situation. That he writes those things about you, that it turns him on when his bullies tell him to suck him, and that he's then tryin' to end his life."

June heaved a deep sigh. "I don't get it either. I will talk to him tomorrow, or whenever I can."

"You – you still want to talk to him? Now you know what he wrote about you? About us?"

"I don't want him to write about me, but I just want to talk about it. I just need to know what's going on in his head, I want to be his friend for he clearly thinks no one cares about him. I hate what he writes about me, but I... I've seen so many other sides of him. I want to give him a second chance... I just need to talk about it. He told me he didn't want to be gay, maybe this was some sort of... desperate attempt to change his way of thinking."

"Maybe," he muttered. The thought that she would be alone with him in one room, cramped up his body.

He startled when she suddenly cupped his jaw with her hand. His heart was leaping in his chest as he looked up. "You want to be there when he tells his story? So you can ask questions yourself?"

"You think he'll be honest around me?"

"I think he believes he's got nothing to lose."

Juan let out a shaky breath. "Does that mean you will stay with me?" he asked quietly.

"Tonight?"

"No I mean – in the long term. Although I really wish you would stay tonight as well."

"I love you, Juan. But all this is very intense and I need time to deal with it. I think we both need to deal with what happened."

Feeling lost, he looked at her. It felt like his heart was about to burst. "You mean... you want a break? From us?"

His fingers were completely frozen when she took his hands in hers. "No... I don't want a break. But I do think we need to give each other more space." She swallowed. "I need space. To work things out with Erik, maybe even to talk to Beth. Sometimes it feels like you're making too much decisions for me... as if I'm losing myself a little, and the things that were important for me before we got together. Sometimes – sometimes I just like to have lunch with my friends. Even when I have very few friends. But especially because I don't have a lot of friends, I don't want to lose the ones I have."

"Okay." His voice sounded hoarse. "I – I get it. I'm sorry that I'm always... so clingy. I just... I just miss you when you're not around," he whispered.

"But that's not healthy, Juan." She caressed his cheek and he closed his eyes for a moment when her thumb brushed his bottom lip. "And therefore, I believe you need some space too. Sometimes you say that you're nothing without me... and I think you really believe that."

He looked her in the eye while she gently stroked his face.

"But without me, you're a wonderful person too, Juan, and sometimes it feels like you've lost sight of that person during the past months. As if you can't remember who you were without me. Just... invest in your friendships... in your family, in your schoolwork... In yourself. I think – I think it will be good for your anxiety too. You won't be so afraid to lose me if you realize what a great person you are... and recently... you don't really seem to see that."

Juan didn't know what to say. He knew she was right. His arms glided around her and he held her tight. Nobody knew him as well as she did, nobody else could so easily give a voice to his doubts and fears.

After a long embrace he pulled back a little and rested his forehead against hers. He had closed his eyes. He felt nervous, he wondered if 'more space' also meant 'less intimacy'. He felt her breathing brushing his chin, knew his lips were close to hers. He brought them closer, slowly, millimeter by millimeter. The final distance, he left to her.

His heartbeat was pounding in his head. Suddenly he was so nervous that it felt like he was craving for his very first kiss.

Then, her lips touched his lips. They kissed. It was a fragile kiss, full of emotion, but nevertheless one he could feel into his toes. His breathing faltered as her tongue traced his bottom lip. He turned his head a little, allowing her tongue inside and loving her in a way that made him forget about everything.

Without being really aware of it, they moved towards the bed. It amounted only to a kiss, but Juan felt no disappointment. On the contrary; as she snuggled up to him, the embrace felt more intimate than all the times they had been cuddling without their shirts and pants on.

Juan didn't say another word that night, nor did June. They just held each other, trapped in each other's love.


	77. Insights

**THE PAST**

Erik barely responded to the knock on his door. It had to be his mom again. She checked up on him every fifteen minutes to make sure he wasn't lying half dead on his bed.

He stared at the tv. He couldn't remember he put in a video, nor did he recognize the movie. Neither did he know how long he was watching.

Four days had passed since he woke up in the hospital. Ever since, he felt hollow. Although he welcomed the emptiness, here in his room. It was better than being around his mom, who showered him with guilt and shame. Somehow, he could shake off those feelings in here.

The door opened. He didn't look over his shoulder, instead he kept staring at the screen without saying anything.

"Erik?" a quiet voice said.

It felt like that whisper possessed the power to take down all walls. His head snapped to the side. The sight of her face called up so much shame he bent his head.

She had texted him, the past days. He hadn't answered them – he simply hadn't known what to say to her. He knew he had called her before he passed out, but he couldn't remember anything about their conversation.

She sat down next to him on the bed and wrapped her arms around him. The moment he felt her warmth, he broke. His shoulders started to shake and he clung at the girl. There was something calming about her scent, as went for the way she was stroking his back.

She wasn't condemning him. Not like his mother, who had been hysterical, asking him a thousand times how he could do this to her.

"I love you, Erik," June said softly. "I'm sorry I gave you the feeling you were all alone."

He squeezed his eyes. Tears slipped between his eyelashes.

"Sorry," he whispered between his sobs. It was the only thing he managed to say.

"It's okay. I'm here for you Erik."

She didn't beg him to never do it again, she was so full of warmth and peace that her presence was more effective than the hours of therapy that had worn him out the past days.

After a long hug they let go of each other. Erik took his fogged glasses off, wiped the tears from his face and briefly looked at her. Her eyes were filled with tears.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

He shrugged his shoulders and bent his head. "Numb," he answered quietly. "Exhausted."

And scared. Scared that June would also see the real Erik and give up on him.

"How do you feel?" he whispered. Skittishly he looked up. Whatever he had said before he went out – she must have panicked.

"I'm just glad you didn't sent me away. I thought you would, since you weren't answering my texts."

"I could never send you away," he muttered. On the contrary – seeing her had been the only longing that was still inside him. Something that only increased his guilt. "I just didn't know what to say. I um – I can't remember our last call."

"You said goodbye." Softly sighing, she took his hands in hers. "Mateo – Juan's older brother – traced the call and called an ambulance."

The thought of Juan's brother made him flinch. Of all people it had been him who had saved his life – it called up a lot of mixed feelings.

"Mateo told me what they did to you."

Full of shame, Erik stared at their laced fingers, wondering how that conversation had been.

"I was shocked Erik. I still am. I'm so sorry they did that to you." Her voice trembled. "I know why they did it – but it doesn't change a thing about how I feel about it."

Erik bit his lip. She knew. Of course she knew. "I don't understand why you're here," he muttered. "You must think I'm disgusting."

"What you wrote was disgusting." She squeezed his hand. "I try to understand it. Why you wrote those things while you're into guys. I hope – I hope you want to be honest with me. That you will tell me what's going on – what happened on your former school. I want to be your friend, Erik."

He took a deep breath. He had know idea how she could be so patient and caring. "Okay," he said softly. There was nothing left to lose anyway – and she deserved the truth.

"Thank you. I want to ask you something else."

She waited until he looked up. The look in her eyes was calm and loving, and for the umpteenth time he wished he could really fall in love with someone like her. "What is it?"

"I'd like to ask you if Juan can be with us when you tell me your story."

Erik had wanted to say yes, whatever the question – but now he froze. "W-what?"

"He is my boyfriend, Erik. He loves me, and he's hurt by what you wrote about me – and what you wrote about him. I don't want to end our friendship, but I believe he has a right to know why you wrote those things about me. And I think it's better if he hears it directly from you."

Erik bent his head. "I trust you," he said. "But I don't trust him."

"Do you _really_ trust me, Erik? If you do, you have to believe that Juan is just as insecure as you are. I want you to see Juan like I see him, and I want him to see you like I see you. You two are both so vulnerable, so... damaged. You don't see it in him, and neither does he see it in you. But I can see it in both of you."

Erik didn't know if he could trust her judgment. Love blinds, right? He could still see the hateful glare in Juan's eyes, he could still hear his mocking words when he told him to choke on his friend's dick.

But what other choice did he have? If she still wanted to be friends with him, she would explain his behavior to Juan anyway. The two were in love, there was no way around the boy.

"Okay," he agreed quietly.

The door opened further. Shocked, Erik realized the boy had been listening in the whole time.

It felt like some magical spell was broken. He barely recognized Juan. He wasn't glowing with confidence, there was no hatred in his eyes, no mocking grin on his lips. His shoulders slumped down, his glance was aimed at the ground and he quickly walked over to June. He sat down behind her, wrapped his arms around her and only then, he looked up.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. Erik saw he meant it. "I believe you deserved that beat up. But the other thing... that went too far. I thought we would laugh at you when you would admit that you lied, the moment Emilio lowered his pants. Not for a moment I – I thought you would really do it."

Erik looked away. He didn't really know what to do with his apologies. He didn't even know if he blamed the guys. They hadn't _forced_ him to suck them. But right then, at that moment, it had felt like he had no choice. It had been a powerlessness that could be explained by his his past, something none of the boys could have known.

A tense silence fell. June was still holding his hands, giving him an encouraging squeeze. Erik took a deep breath, then he decided it was time.

"So... I'm gay," he said softly, looking for words. "I was thirteen when I found out about it. I had a crush on a boy who was three years older than me. I thought he would never notice me, but he did. He must have seen me staring at him the whole time. In the beginning he was really sweet... He said sweet things, nice things... After a while he asked me to touch him, and not much later if he could touch me." The thought of Sven made him swallow. The memories hurt. "However, when others were around he could be really mean. Then he made hurtful comments, he laughed at me... and later, when we were alone, he wanted to make up for it." He paused, not sure how to summarize the years that followed. "No matter how mean he was – I kept longing for those moments he was sweet. Sometimes he told me he loved me... and when I asked him why he was so mean, he told me it was on me. That he was punishing me for looking at other boys, or because I laughed about a joke he didn't find funny. The punishing... got the upper hand. He beat me, he... put things inside me that I had to keep there all day long..." A tear slipped down his cheek. "I was thirteen, fourteen... I thought it was normal, something that came with falling for an older boy. And when he believed I had been a good boy, he made me forget about all the misery. When he became a senior... he started to take me to parties. Kinky parties." He felt his cheeks glow in embarrassment. He didn't dare to look up, instead he kept staring at the bedding. "There... he started to rent me. To adult men. And Sven... Sven always watched. He told me he liked to watch... that there was nothing odd about it. When I told him I didn't want it anymore, he started to threaten me. That he had countless nudes of me which he would spread through the school, and there were those videos he wanted to send to my mom..." Another tear rolled down. "But I couldn't take it anymore... So I avoided him at school, didn't show up at our appointments... I wanted to file a report but I couldn't since his father was the police chief. Sven lost his patience, so he distributed the pictures through the school. I lost all my friends, everyone gave me a wide berth. A few boys thought it was interesting. They felt encouraged to do with me whatever the hell they wanted. I could trust no one – and the few times I did... they were only interested in sex. And when I refused... they hurt me until I gave in. Or they simply forced me down to... to..." He wiped his eyes. Still he continued, afraid he would cry if he gave his feelings too much room. "At some point I couldn't take it anymore. I wrote a letter to my mom, explaining everything. But before I could slit my wrists, I had an enormous panic attack making me pass out. Mom found me – and the letter. I confessed everything to her and I changed schools." He took a deep breath and looked up nervously.

June stared at him with wide eyes, her face pale. She was holding his hands with only one hand, the other she had moved to Juan's.

Her boyfriend was crying in silence, he saw to his bewilderment. He had dipped his head, but the tears were glistening on his cheeks. The sight of it increased the amount of his own tears – except for his mom, nobody had ever cried about his situation.

He had believed that someone like Juan would make fun of him and would call him a coward. Not for one second, he had thought it would hit him so hard he would cry.

Shakily, he breathed.

"Things went better for a while, when I was finding my way on my new school." Despite his tears, he smiled and squeezed June's hand. "I made friends – for the first time in years, it seemed. But then... I started to develop feelings for a guy again. Someone who reminded me of Sven – someone who was also humiliating others. I started to realize that I had a specific type... Boys who dominate others, who aren't scared of anyone, maybe boys even people like Sven are afraid of. For I barely dare to leave the house in the dark, and I fantasized about having a boyfriend who could protect me. But after a while... those fantasies turned into... much heavier scenes." He stared down again, not knowing how to put his chaotic and twisted mind into words. "I don't know if I can explain it. A part of me wants to be submissive, it likes to dominated, to be told what to do, to be cared for... but I knew it was also my downfall. If I went down that road again, I would end up like someone's toy again. And so, I fought my feelings. I no longer wanted to be gay, I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to fall in love with a girl. A sweet girl, someone like June. Who would never hurt me." He forced himself to look up. There was no judgment in her eyes. "I wanted to fall in love with you, June. Even when I knew you loved someone else. That was never the point. I never meant for us to be in a relationship, I just... I just wanted to become straight. So I... I started to write things. About you and me. To keep my thoughts away from my real fantasies. But when it didn't work... the scenes became heavier. I couldn't stop the fantasies I had, so I tried to... alter them. So it was about you and me, instead of me and _him."_ He sniveled. "I thought you would never find out. I was just desperate, I was terrified to end up in the situation from which I'd fled. I had to do _something_."

She hadn't pulled back her hand. Her eyes didn't leave his. " _Him..._ is that Emilio?" she asked quietly. "Is that why you did what he asked from you? Because – because a part of you wanted that intimacy – because you have feelings for him, while another part of you hates you for it?"

He bent his head and nodded in shame. "I'm so fucked up. And later that night... I was so terrified history would repeat itself that I didn't want to live anymore. Thousands things crossed my mind; even that Emilio and Mateo knew Sven, that he was behind all this, or that he would find out I suck someone's dick without his permission while he still considers me as his property..."

June let go of his hand, sat up on her knees and wrapped her arms around him. "Emilio and Mateo took advantage of you... but I promise you they won't do it again. They wanted to take revenge for what you wrote about me, I don't think they're... sexually interested in you. They wanted to break you, they don't want to... own you. From what I know, Emilio had no idea what happened when you started to... well, you know."

Erik didn't know what to say. Better than anyone, he knew how dark someone's longings could be without anyone knowing about it. The way Emilio had grabbed his face when he slammed himself deep into his throat, had clearly shown how he liked to have control over someone else, and the way Mateo had behaved like a Daddy, told him it hadn't been his first time.

Things might have been different if there had been feelings in play, but that hadn't been the case. They had just wanted to see his tears.

His head felt heavy when he lifted it again. Past June, his eyes met Juan's. His old coldness had returned. Was it because June had hugged him? A little uncomfortable he shifted on the bed.

"Why did you write that shit about me?" Juan asked. "That I assault June?" His voice cracked, and suddenly he looked very vulnerable again. Erik saw his fingers tremble as he wrapped his arms around his girlfriend.

Erik sighed softly. "I... I had to create my own reality. In which... in which June would want to have sex with me while she was your girlfriend. Otherwise... It didn't feel real enough."

Juan's jaw clenched again.

"I never believed you would really hurt her," Erik said quickly. "For me, the real June and the June on paper were never the same person. And – the same goes for you. It's just... I don't like you. You were always mean, you're a follower, someone who considers June as his property. But –"

"She's not my property!" he snapped. "You know shit about me! I know I don't deserve her! You think I never told her that? You think –"

June turned around and took Juan's face in her hands. "Calm down, baby. You both haven't shown off your best sides."

Erik heard his wind-up breathing. June's voice was soothing, telling him it wasn't the first rage she dealt with.

"Whatever," Juan grunted. He got up, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. "I need to smoke some shit."

Erik felt relieved when he left the room. What he had just seen, worried him. "He has often rages, June?" he asked softly. "Please... be honest about it."

She sighed. "He has no anger issues, Erik. He has panic attacks and abandonment issues. That night you overdosed... it broke him. He blamed himself, he blames himself for everything that hurts me. Believe me, his self-esteem isn't much higher than yours."

It was a confession Erik hadn't seen coming.

"The thought that someone thinks that he would hurt someone he loves so much... it hurt him more than everything else you wrote." The look in her eyes was sad. "Within his family, violence isn't a fantasy, Erik. Your words hit him really hard."

Erik swallowed. He hadn't thought about that for a moment. "Sorry," he said softly.

"It's okay," she sighed. "There was no way you could have known it... just as he couldn't know what happened to you. I'm really sorry for you, Erik. For having gone through all of that. For the things you still go through... That Sven... you think he'll come after you?"

He bent his head. It was a fear he hadn't dared to say out loud. "Yes," he said softly. "In the end, he will find me. I don't think I can really escape from him."

"Then we have to make sure he can never get close to you again."

Confused, he looked at her. "But how?"

A mysterious smile crossed her lips. "I think I know someone who can help us with that. Someone who has to make amends."


	78. Ambitions

**THE PAST**

Mateo was the kind of person who saw potential in _everything._ With enough money, every place could be turned into something cool. He had no shortage of money, although that was a truth he tried to hide. He would make it look like Lorraine was taking the fall for any financial risks.

In terms of size the space was perfect. The bar was ugly as hell, but they could tear it out and replace it. The lightning sucked too; also something that was easy to change.

Clicking heels stopped in front of him. She took his hands and looked at him with shining eyes. "And? What do you think? You think we can work with this?"

His eyes wandered through the room. He pictured the new bar, the stage, the lounge area, the hot chicks handing out drinks. The location was good; there wasn't much nightlife around here while it was situated along a busy street. The place looked outdated, which explained why the only visitors were some regulars who came here for over fifty years. Mateo was sure they could turn this place into something cool.

"Yeah, this will work. We should bid a little less; there's much to be done and I doubt there will be a lot of competition."

"Perfect!" Her slender fingers slipped around his hips and she leaned into him to kiss him.

Mateo's hand raked through her red strands as he received her lips, skillfully leading her to a passionate kiss. A door was opened, the realtor had returned. For neither of them it was a reason to stop; they knew no shame.

He smirked against her lips as the man awkwardly cleared his throat to attract their attention.

Lorraine chuckled softly, her hand gliding across his crotch while she moved her lips to his ear. Instead of making him a promise, she bit his earlobe. Then she pulled back from him and aimed her attention to the man, offering him a shining smile. "We will think about it. You'll hear from us."

Mateo shook the man's hand, then he wrapped an arm around Lorraine's waist and led her out of the bankrupted cafe. She sat down on the passenger seat and looked dreamily at the seedy building.

"You think this is really going to happen Teo? Having our own club before we turn 20?"

His hand glided to her thigh, while his other turned the wheel as he hit the gas. "I've always been ambitious. And you're a great business partner."

She knew Queens' night life inside out, knew where to find girls. There however was more – a part of him wanted her out of the prostitution. She could do so much more. More and more often he thought about all these men with whom she was sleeping, causing a permanent sense of restlessness inside him. Did it mean he wanted her for himself? He couldn't imagine he ever wanted to stick to one chick, but sometimes, when he saw his little brother and June together... It felt like Juan had found his other half; someone who could make him feel happy with just one smile, no matter the shit they were in. Yeah – often they were so clingy it made him roll his eyes but at other times he wondered if he would ever have what they had.

That it would be Lorraine who would call up feelings like that seemed far-fetched, but the simple truth was that he knew her for three years now and still her touches never bored him. Which was a rarity in itself; often he grew tired of girls after a few times. But Lorraine kept intriguing him, and when she told him about her dream to open a stripclub herself instead of working in one, he had been interested. It would make more money than delivering pizzas and they could build something for themselves.

Ten minutes later he parked the car in front of his mom's house. A few more weeks, then he would finally receive the key of his own apartment. Their mother knew nothing about it; one day she would simply find out that her sons were gone. It would save them a lot of fights.

Nobody was home when he entered the house, something he had already counted on. He poured himself and Lorraine a drink. The moment the glasses were empty, her fingers laced with his and she took him to his bedroom. Even before the door was closed, the first clothes touched the floor while fingers glided across warm skin and the first sighs were audible through the thin walls.

. . .

There weren't a lot of women who could do it, but Lorraine managed to get him out of breath. His chest heaved up and down while she snuggled up to him. Her red painted fingernails circled around his bellybutton. His eyelids slid down, for a moment he surrendered himself to the exhaustion.

Her dancing lips right above his pubic region pulled him back to reality. Her red hair was fanned across his tan skin and she smiled at him as she caught his glance. She leaned into him and kissed his lips.

A sigh of content was burning on his lips as his fingers slipped through her long hair. Would she want more? Or was he just some hobby? He had no idea how to ask her without sounding like an idiot, especially because he wasn't even sure what he wanted himself. Therefore, he kept his thoughts to himself and dove into the kiss.

On the other side of the door he heard voices. Had Juan and June came home? His brother had told him they would visit Erik today and he was curious how that meeting had been. Ever since the kid had tried to kill himself Juan was a mess; he was torn by guilt and anger and even though Mateo told him to focus on the latter, he was sure June convinced him of other things.

He gave Lorraine another long kiss, then he got up and dressed himself.

"You wanna eat something?" he asked, feeling a little unsure.

Usually he wanted to get rid of the girls he slept with the moment he woke up, but things were different with Lorraine. She felt cheap if he send her away and although he no longer paid for their intimacy, it always reminded him of the fact that she was a whore.

She glanced at the clock. "I have to meet a client within an hour. I think I better get some food on the way."

 _Meet with a client._

His face fell. He however said nothing about it, it was none of his business. To hide how he felt, he pulled his shirt over his head, then he walked to the bedroom door.

He heard rumble in the kitchen. A smile crossed his lips as he saw Juan and June being busy. For a while he studied them; he noticed how Juan handed everything to June as if she couldn't use her hands herself, how his fingers continuously wandered across her shoulder or back and how he gave her little kisses the whole time. If Mateo hadn't known that his little brother _always_ acted this way, he would have believed he had some making up to do.

Well – according to June he _had_ some making up to do after that shit with Erik, but Mateo knew it had nothing to do with how Juan treated her.

"So that's her?" Lorraine's soft voice sounded next to him. "The famous June?" Her lips bent in a satisfied smile. "He was right – she really is a beauty. I guess he benefited from my coaching," she whispered with a mischievous look in her eyes. "Since they're still together."

He snickered softly. "I rather hope he still remembers your advice by the time she finally spreads her legs for him."

He kept his voice low – he didn't want to embarrass the two. He was almost sure Juan had never told her he had done _some things_ with Lorraine and he understood why, since June was quite frantic when it came to sex.

Lorraine took her coat from the chair and winked at Juan as he turned around at the sound of the scraping chair legs.

All color was drained from his face and his eyes shot to June immediately, confirming Mateo's suspicions. June herself didn't notice, she looked rather curious at Lorraine.

"I'll talk to you later, sweeties." She blew them a kiss, then she kissed Mateo on his mouth and walked out the door.

Mateo headed to the kitchen and slipped his hands in his pockets. "This gonna be some romantic dinner for two or did you count on me?"

"We counted on you too," Juan answered.

He caught June's glance.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" she asked with a curious smile.

Her question made him smirk. He doubted she would have asked him that a couple weeks ago, when she was still trying to ignore his presence. But something had changed between them, that night he took her to Erik's house and had hold her in his arms to comfort her. Instead of Juan's lover alone, she started to feel like a little sister now.

"What do you think girl," he said, shaking his head.

She shrugged her shoulders. "It didn't look like a one time thing."

"She's a whore," Juan said bluntly. "They work in broad daylight too."

Even when it was true, he hated to hear those words coming from Juan's mouth. "She's a friend," he said to June. "We're figurin' out if we can buy a place to open a nightclub."

Juan stared so bewildered at him that his eyes were almost popping out of their sockets.

"I'm not gonna deliver pizzas again. I rather build something up myself," he explained. "And I'm sick of bein' home all day."

He had expected a more enthusiastic response from his brother, although it probably had more to do with Lorraine than his future plans. Mateo didn't care. If his brother believed Lorraine was a threat to his relationship, he was the one who had to do something about it.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later they were sitting at the table. There was a tense silence, telling him things still needed to be worked out between his brother and his girlfriend. Both were staring at their plates, deep in thoughts. Should he leave them alone? Back in the kitchen he hadn't felt the tension, but now he got the feeling it had all been a facade, and that they were both too tired to keep up appearances.

"How was Erik?" he asked after a while.

He didn't care that much about the boy – he was still breathing, that was all that counted. But to June, he meant much more.

She looked up – seemed relieved he'd brought it up.

"He told us his story," she said. "It was... heavy."

His eyes wandered to Juan, since he believed they had a different definition of _heavy_ than June.

"Let's not talk about that now," Juan grunted. "I just want to finish dinner without feeling sick."

June remained silent. As did Mateo.

* * *

After dinner, Mateo retreated to his room and started to draw up the budget for the building. It however didn't take long before someone knocked at the door.

June opened it a bit. "I want to ask you something."

He got up, assuming she didn't feel comfortable in his bedroom. He studied her face. "What's up?"

"June..." Juan objected. "He just left prison! If he gets caught, they'll send him back!"

"But I have to do _something_ ," she answered fiercely. "Then teach me how to do it."

Juan snorted. "You barely know how to download a virus scanner, let alone how to hack someone else's computer."

The thought that June wanted to learn how to hack, amused him. He sat down on the couch. "What's goin' on?"

Juan sighed and looked away. June didn't let his disapproval hold her back and she sat down next to him.

"Erik... told us he was abused. That he had an older boyfriend who hired him to adult men while he was 14 years old, and that guy threatened to spread nude pictures and videos if he refused. His whole school spitted him out when he tried to step away from that life, the only people still paying attention to him were the ones who wanted to took advantage of him themselves. That's why he started to write about me. Because he hates to be gay, because he wanted to fall in love with someone who wasn't going to hurt him."

Mateo studied her face, not knowing what she wanted from him. Yeah – he felt sorry for the kid, but in the end, he had been the one who let it come to this. If he had found his spine, this never would have happened.

"It wasn't shame alone that made him commit suicide. It was also fear. Fear for the boy from which he ran and who still considers him as his property. Someone he can't turn in because he's the son of the chief." She took a deep breath. "I want to help him. I just want him to feel safe enough to go out on the streets again in the dark. And I thought – I _hoped,_ maybe you'd also want to help him after what you did to him."

"After what I did to him?" he repeated with raised eyebrows.

"What Emilio and you did was also abuse. He told me he was crying – you knew damn well he didn't want to do it."

"He _did_ want it," Juan huffed. "He told us himself. We didn't force him into anything."

"Maybe not in your mind, but Erik believed he had no choice, just like all the former times that he had no choice. And yes, maybe a part of him thought it was thrilling to have no choice, but that doesn't make things right. He has a trauma, because of what happened to him over the years he can't look at boys in a normal way. Someone destroyed him, and Erik believes he will never give up on him because he considers Erik as his property."

Mateo had to admit that June was probably right. Someone who was as submissive as Erik was, must have had a very dominant dom. And most of them didn't like to see their toys leave.

For a while he stared into June's eyes, which were showing a rare fighting spirit. "You want to avenge him," he concluded surprised.

"I want him to be safe. Someone who takes 14 year old boys to parties like that, threatens them and blackmails them to have sex with old men belongs in jail."

Mateo had to admit that his moral boundaries were quite stretched, but everything that verged on kiddie porn made him feel sick and he had no illusion that the guys who Erik had met at a party like that were strangers in that world.

"What do you have in mind?" he asked. This spiteful version of June amused him, he was curious as to what would come up in that pretty little head of hers.

"I thought... Can we put some incriminating evidence on his computer and make sure the cops find it?"

"We... or me?" he asked with a slight smile.

"I don't mind to do it myself if you teach me," she said with a blush on her cheeks.

He chuckled softly. "You hear that, little brother? Your lover wants to become a hacker."

Juan glared at him; he clearly believed it was a bad idea. Not because this guy didn't deserve punishment, but because he was afraid that his girlfriend or brother would end up behind bars.

But hacking... that was like his second nature. It wouldn't even take him an hour to hack into that pc, leave some folders with illegal porn and a clear track, and to erase his own tracks.

"You got a name?"

"You're really going to do this?!" Juan called out.

His response made him smirk. "Relax kid. It's no biggy. Just lemme drop some stuff on that asshole's computer, I got this. Gimme a name and a few hours to wait until he's online and it's done."

"Thank you," June said softly, pressing her lips to his cheek.

"Are there really no risks?" Juan asked.

He shook his head. "No kid. Trust me, I got this. Your girl doesn't need to worry about her friend anymore."

* * *

The police database showed Mateo that June's plan succeeded; three days after he had left the porn on Sven's computer, the boy was arrested. Mateo expected him to get at least five years of prison. During his research he'd discovered that the guy hadn't been the chief's son at all; he had only told Erik so to scare him. He wasn't surprised by the boy's naivety; all he could do, was hope that the boy had learned from his mistakes.

He started to doubt that when Erik showed up at his door, two days later. Mateo was so overwhelmed by the unexpected visit that he didn't even know what to say – which was a rarity.

Erik didn't look at him, instead he looked skittishly over his shoulder, as if he was afraid that someone would see him.

"Umm... Can I come in?" he whispered.

Mateo shrugged his shoulders and stepped aside to let the boy in. "Juan and June aren't around," he said.

"I uh – I'm here for you." He closed the door behind him and stared at the floor. "I wanted to thank you. For saving my life... and for what you did to Sven."

Awkwardly, Mateo rubbed the back of his head. What the hell was he supposed to answer?

"It's all good," he muttered. "I did it for June."

Erik took a deep breath. Nervously, he picked at his shirt. "You uh... you want something in return?"

Mateo raised his eyebrows and cursed in silence. He didn't mean what he _thought_ he meant, right? Deep down, Mateo however knew the answer. Still, he needed to be sure. "What are you thinking of?"

The boy swallowed. "I – I can suck you again." His eyes were still aimed at the floor.

Mateo heaved a deep sigh. Man – there was something really wrong with this kid. "Why the hell would you want to suck my dick again?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I – I don't mind."

 _I don't mind._ That guy made him feel itchy.

"Look at me."

The boy obeyed immediately.

"You gotta quit this shit kid. You gotta stop offering this to people of which you think you owe them something. A thank you is enough when you're grateful."

Erik's cheeks started to flush, yet he didn't look away. At least he was well trained. "I thought... I thought maybe you would like it. That we both..." He closed his eyes for a moment, before he wiped them briefly with the back of his hand.

Mateo stared at him for a few seconds – and then he understood. It wasn't some sexual pleasure the boy was looking for. Now Mateo was the reason that his tormentor was in jail, the kid felt safe around him. It was safety and protection he was longing for, and in return he wanted to offer something. Like some business transaction. Once the world knew he belonged to Mateo, nobody else would lay a hand on him.

"You're still scared," he concluded.

The shoulders of the boy slumped further down.

Something in Erik's demeanor made it hard to show him the door. Maybe it was of his friendship with June, or maybe because his vulnerability reminded him of Juan.

"Save my number in your phone and call me when you feel unsafe," he said. "Would that help? I don't want anything in return."

"Did I – did I do something wrong?" he whispered. "Didn't you like what I did?"

"That's not the point, Erik," he answered annoyed. "You're great at sucking dick, but I'm not gay and I can't give you what you're looking for, okay? And this is neither the way to find what you're looking for." He sighed. "Start dating if you're looking for a boyfriend. Find out if there's a click, if he's sweet. Ask June what she thinks, she has people skills." Erik looked up again, hopeful. "You seem to be a sweet boy, okay? Find someone who's sweet too. There are enough of them. Find someone who respects you, in whose eyes you're more than a toy."

"Okay," he answered docile. Mateo wasn't sure if he said it because he agreed or because he felt obliged to say so.

"I mean it. Talk with June when you like someone and don't... do what you did with me." He kept his glance. "And don't go to Emilio."

He had a feeling that Emilio was a little less straight than the boy himself believed; he had noticed how his feelings of friendship for Juan had changed into something more. He doubted Emilio realized it himself, nor did Juan, but Mateo knew Emilio loved his little brother romantically. He saw it in the way Emilio looked at his best friend, in the genuine smiles that only Juan could cause, and the fact that he had disliked June so much had been a real eyeopener.

He also noticed how Emilio had watched him with a little too much interest when Erik sucked his dick, and he had seen his red cheeks when Mateo had said something about it. He himself didn't care; he loved Emilio like a brother, whether he was into boys or girls or both. But he also knew Emilio would move heaven and earth to deny that he was bisexual or gay. If Erik went to him like he went to Mateo today, then Emilio would beat the shit out of him _or_ he would respond to his curiosity – but in a secretive, suffocating way by which he would treat Erik like shit.

If he would ever come out, it would probably take years.


	79. Secrets Never Last

**THE PRESENT**

Emilio felt exhausted when he poured himself a coffee and sat down at the table. It was 6 AM. It was cold in the house, the windows were open. Still, the smell of pot hadn't completely vanished.

With his head in his hands he stared at the table top. He hadn't slept at all, he had been tossing and turning all night.

He had kissed Juan. After finding back his friend after more than fifteen hears, he had crashed down his lips on his. As if their relationship hadn't been complicated enough.

Was June right? He knew he loved Juan – but was it also romantically? He had always been his best friend, he had never thought anything else of it. Could you be in love with someone for so long without knowing it? Or was his mind just troubled because Juan was finally back in his life?

He knew he could look for a thousand excuses, but it was hard to deny the things he had felt yesterday. For the first time in his life he understood the concept of _butterflies_ and even now he thought back to the moment and forgot about Juan's angry response, he could still feel the tingles in his stomach.

It was fucking unbelievable. He was in love with a guy.

He dug into his memory, tried to think of moments that might have given him a clue. The most obvious event was the time he ordered Erik to blow him. A memory he was suppressing for years because he felt so ashamed of it.

But yes – he had enjoyed it. Not because it was Erik, rather because the feeling of power had turned him on. He also remembered how he had watched the boy suck Mateo. The older boy must have noticed something, for he had scornfully asked him if he wanted to taste his dick too – or something like that.

He had looked away in shame, without understanding that shame. Now he wondered what he would have done if Mateo had been serious.

The thought about the boy made his hands cramp around the warm cup. A stabbing sense of loss spread through his body. It was different from the emptiness Juan had left. He had never given up on the hope to make things right with him. But Mateo... Mateo was really gone. For good. He would never be able to hug him one last time. Many times he had whispered his apologies to the cold stone, but he doubted the boy could hear it.

And even if he could, he would probably only snort in contempt. Mateo had never been the forgiving one. Maybe the older boy had never liked him at all and just considered him as the annoying friend of his little brother.

The thought stung. He would never find out what Mateo really thought of him and it felt like an itching underneath his skin. He could scratch as much as he wanted; the feeling wouldn't go away.

He looked over his shoulder when he heard footsteps.

"Hey," he said a little surprised when he saw Rafi. The boy froze halfway the stairs and stared at him. "You're up early."

"Can say the same to you," the boy grunted. "Did mom kick you out of bed? Did you moan the wrong name when you fucked her?"

Goosebumps spread across his neck and shoulders. Rafi never spoke to him in a tone like this. "What are you talkin' about?"

Rafi descended the stairs and gave him a cold glare. "You're really gonna play the betrayed innocent?"

Did he know what had happened yesterday? But how?

"I don't get –"

"I don't get it either!" the boy snapped. "I thought about it all night but it makes no fuckin' sense!"

He knew. Emilio had no idea how, but he knew.

"Sit down and tell me why you're so upset."

"Why I am so upset?!" he called out. Instead of shoving back a chair, he kicked it. "For the first time in my life I took a girl home, yesterday. Yeah – Chelsea. That girl I really like. She would stay the night, we would..." He breathed in and out, his nostrils flaring as he stared at Emilio as if he wanted to kill him. "And then when I put my bike in the shed, that piece of shit that's supposed to be my uncle was lying there, completely wasted! Man I've never felt so ashamed! I wanted to leave him there, but what the hell would Chelsea think of me? So she went home and I was stuck with a crying uncle who was slurring all kinds of shit. That you two had kissed, that I was his kid... He's a fucking liar or you are a fucking liar!"

With a sigh, Emilio rubbed his face. This was great. Their plan to keep the truth from Rafi had obviously failed. Thank god _he_ wasn't the one who'd fucked it up this time.

"Juan is not a liar," he sighed.

"So you _did_ cheat on mom? You're really screwing with my mom?!"

"I already confessed it to her. She doesn't mind."

"She doesn't mind?!" Rafi was almost screaming. "She doesn't mind that you're a fucking faggot?!"

Emilio cringed. How ironic this was... in his younger years he had humiliated a lot of gay people and now he had fallen for a guy himself. "It's complicated, Rafi... We know each other for such a long time. I never intended to kiss Juan. Hell – before yesterday I never felt the urge to kiss _any guy._ It just happened, okay?"

Rafi squeezed his eyes and raked his hands through his hair. Suddenly he started to cry.

"I don't want this!" he yelled. "My life was fine! He fucks up everything, I hate him! I never want to see him again! What the hell is he doing here anyway? All he wants is ruin our lives!"

"Your mom loves him, kid," he sighed. "She's always loved him. And I – I love him too." He swallowed. "Your mom and I wouldn't have found each other if it wasn't for him."

Wildly, Rafi shook his head. "So what the hell is this? Some sick love triangle? And what he said about me yesterday, is that true? Is he my father? How could that be true – mom always told me he died! Has he faked his death?" He rubbed his eyes; his tense face told Emilio he hated his tears. The image reminded him of all the times he had seen Juan suffer from a panic attack.

"You should discuss this with your mom. Or with Juan. But cool down first, Rafi. I get why you're upset, but understand this is hard for all of us. Go for a run before you talk to your parents."

"Parents," he spat. "So it's really true. That crazy asshole is my fucking dad." He grabbed a vase from the table and threw it against the wall. "I don't want him to be my dad! My father is dead, you hear me? He died like a hero! I don't know who this sick fucker is but he isn't my father!"

After these words Rafi stormed outside and slammed the door shut.

Cursing, Emilio slammed his fists against the table. What a fucking mess; it gave him a pounding headache. Nevertheless he stood up and started to gather the shards. There were so many thoughts racing through his head that he only noticed June's presence when she caressed his back to attract his attention.

Defeated, he got up.

"What's going on?" she asked him in a fragile voice.

He pulled her in his arms and buried his nose in her hair.

"Rafi is pissed," he sighed. "When he came home last night he found Juan in the shed, blind drunk. He told the kid that I kissed him and apparently also that Rafi is his kid. I told him to talk about it with you and Juan, and not with me." He hesitated. "That was the best idea I could come up with."

"Yeah..." She sighed, leaning her head against his shoulder. "Secrets never least. We should have known better."

"We thought we did what was best for both Juan and Rafi."

And deep down, Emilio still believed that hiding the truth had been the best decision. Juan was more unstable than ever and Rafi... Rafi could be a real hothead.

June looked up to him. With the back of his fingers he stroked her cheek.

"What now?" she whispered.

"I think we have no choice but to tell him the truth – the moment Rafi is ready for it." He hesitated. "And I think I should give the three of you some space." He kissed her forehead when he saw the fear filling her eyes. "I will take a day trip with Glenn," he said. "He will pick up on the tension."

With a sigh, June agreed. He cupped her jaw with his hand and traced her bottom lip with his thumb. "We will find our way around all this, love. There are three men who want nothing more than seeing you happy, so in the end we will find a way."

* * *

Emilio knew Jordy always got up early. It had been that way when they were young and it had never changed. After kissing June goodbye, he had taken the car and drove to Jordy's house.

She invited him in and poured him a cup of coffee. He knelt down in front of his son who was watching tv on the couch and kissed his cheek. "You slept well at aunt Jordy's place?"

Glenn nodded and tried to look past him, not wanting to miss out on the show he was watching. Emilio lifted the corner of his mouth and recognized his own impatience in his son, then he kissed the top of his head and headed over to the kitchen table.

"Benny isn't around?"

"He left early, he has an exhibition today." Jordy look at him, the look on her face sweet as always. "June told me yesterday things didn't end well between Juan and you. Did you two talk things out?"

Emilio huffed softly. "Not exactly."

"You want to tell me what happened?"

He hesitated. Part of him hated the therapeutic look on her face, another part of him had always appreciated it. They'd had a lot of good talks, during the past five years and when they were younger. Apart from Juan, she was probably the only one he had serious conversations with in high school.

He took a deep breath. Sooner or later she would find out about it anyway; June always told her everything. He stared into the dark drink and said quietly, in a whisper: "Juan and I kissed."

Skittishly he looked up. There was an almost tender smile on Jordy's lips – she didn't seemed to be shocked at all.

"So he kissed you back?"

Emilio's cheeks flushed. "We were high and tipsy. I think he just... had this insane longing to feel some love, even when it came from me. The moment he realized it was me who he was kissing, he wanted as far away from me as possible. He even threw up." His voice trembled – the latter had hit him really hard. Especially because the experience had been amazing for him.

"And then?" Jordy asked calmly.

He was glad that she was so calm; she acted like there was nothing weird about this.

"Then he left. Rafi found him in the shed last night, and then Juan slurred that he's Rafi's father and that we kissed. And now Rafi stormed out of the house too." Sighing, he twisted the mug in his hands. "I think it's better if I stay away today, so the three can talk."

Jordy nodded slowly. "That sounds wise, yeah." She was silent for a while, studying his face. "How do you feel now, E?"

He shrugged his shoulders and stared in his coffee again. "Confused," he muttered.

"Are you still in love with him?"

He snapped up his head. "W-what?"

"You don't think you're in love with him?"

"I do but – what do you mean, _still_?" He stared at her with eyes wide. "Did you – did you know I was into guys? That I – that I was in love with my best friend?"

"I had my suspicions for a very long time. That you had a crush on Juan. You were always so afraid that Juan would find you a pussy; you didn't even dare to tell him you were afraid of heights. That time you came to my house for the first time, when I did that lapdance after which you freaked out... then I even asked you if you had a crush on Juan."

He dug into his memories but he couldn't remember much of that day. There were some flashes, but he couldn't recall a conversation.

"It were nothing but suspicions for a long time, even when we were dating. Only two years later, I really believed that you were bisexual – when you kissed a guy."

He frowned. "What the hell? I never kissed a guy before!"

"You did. You just don't remember, like most times you cheated on me."

Despite the sensitive issue, her voice didn't sound harsh – rather a little sad. Ashamed he stared at the mug.

"I don't buy it," he said eventually. "That I really kissed a guy. Did you see it?"

"No. No one else was around. But he told me."

Frowning, Emilio looked up. Could it really be? That he had kissed a guy without remembering it? He couldn't imagine. He must have remembered _something_ right?

"This is fucking bullshit," he spat. "Is this supposed to make me feel better? You think assuming that I kissed _another guy_ will help me?!"

"I think it will."

"Why?" he snapped.

Jordy kept his glance. "Because it was Mateo."


	80. Letting Go

**THE PRESENT**

 _Flashback_

Tears were stinging in her eyes. Jordy didn't know who she hated more: him or herself.

Probably herself.

She let him in every time, forgiving him. She kept hoping that he would grow up, that they could have a normal relationship.

Taking a deep breath, she stared forward. Her sight was blocked by skyscrapers, which annoyed her. Even though she liked the hustle and bustle of the city, there were also days it was suffocating her. It felt like there was no quiet, no peacefulness; everywhere were lights and noises.

Her legs dangled down the edge of the roof. The asphalt was at least sixty feet beneath her. She didn't care. All she could think, was that despite all his tough talk he was too chicken to sit here.

She pulled a baggy of weed from her pocket to roll a joint. Another bad habit she had started because of him. He had a bad influence on her, and still it was so damn hard to let him go.

She didn't even know why she was still on this stupid party. June and Juan had left hours ago. However, she was too proud to go home, she didn't want to show him how much he hurt her. Not that he would notice it with his drunken head, but still. Others might see it. Pretending she didn't care gave her more satisfaction, although she had to get her emotions straight first.

Let's see how _he_ would react when she kissed someone in front of his nose.

For a moment a wave of music washed over her when someone opened the door to the roof, then the noise was muffled again. Jordy didn't look over her shoulder. Nobody would look for her. There were plenty of people she could have fun with, but having fun and comforting someone where two very different things. The last thing people wanted on a party like this was cheering someone up.

She concentrated on rolling the joint. Her fingers were shaking. Whether it was because of the alcohol, the anger or the powerlessness, she didn't know.

Someone sat down beside her, pulling the partly rolled joint out of her fingers. "You know better than getting high on a rooftop."

"I'm not going to jump," she huffed. "And certainly not because of that asshole."

"You wouldn't be the first one falling." He put the joint away and studied her face. "Your boyfriend got stoned sitting in a window and fell too."

Jordy sighed softly and turned her head to the side. In silence she stared at Mateo. She didn't know if she liked having him around or not. His intentions were always a mystery. He wasn't the type of guy sitting beside dumped girls when there was some wild party going on. Especially not when he didn't plan to get into their pants.

"Juan went home," she said. "You don't have to sit beside me to be the caring brother."

Mateo lit a cigarette, as if he wanted to show her he had gone out to smoke. Which was bullshit – the apartment was filled with smoke.

"I think I'm the reason why E's such a bitch tonight."

She raised her eyebrows. Emilio admired Mateo and it wouldn't be the first time when his older friend would inspire him. How it explained why her boyfriend had kissed various girls tonight, she didn't see.

Mateo tore his glance away and stared at the grey building at the other side of the road. "We kissed. Thereafter he panicked, downed more drinks and tried to convince himself he's only into girls."

"You... _you_ kissed Emilio?" she asked astonished. The words had barely left her mouth or she started to laugh. It felt like all her emotions were bursting out of her skin; she laughed so hard the tears rolled down her cheeks.

Man – how much she'd wanted to see Emilio's face after that kiss.

"Why?"

"I have no idea. He told me we were out of beer, so I told him to get a new crate from the storage on the ground floor. But he couldn't walk straight anymore, so I went with him. Once in the storage room he tripped over his feet, bumped into me and somehow his lips ended upon mine."

"And you didn't push him away?" she asked in disbelief.

He shrugged his shoulders. "I've sobered up a bit. A few hours ago I wasn't thinking about the consequences. Kissing someone in the storage room – why the hell not. I didn't care it was Emilio."

Although he was trying to sound indifferent, he clearly had lost a bit of his confidence. "You regret it," Jordy concluded. That was a miracle in itself: Mateo regretting something.

"I dunno," he said. "Maybe. It feels like I took advantage of his drunkenness. I know he's into guys even though he never acts like it. I think he's denying it to himself too."

He was silent for a while. Jordy had the feeling he wanted to use her as some sound board; not only to understand Emilio but also himself.

"I had my suspicions for a while," she admitted. "Even before we started dating." She studied his face. "What about you? You're into guys too?"

He shook his head. "Nah. But on a party like this I kiss tons of bitches. If there's a guy among them... I don't give a fuck. And part of me was curious to see if there was a difference. I know for a while about his feelings for me, I thought to do him a favor or something." He laughed, although it sounded joyless. "But I should have known it would only confuse him. It was stupid. And selfish. He had a girlfriend."

Sighing, she bent her head. Despite everything she was glad he told her the truth, although it didn't change a thing about the fact that he was probably fucking some bitch right now.

"Why do you tell me this?" she asked. "I assume you don't want everyone to know that you kissed a boy?"

"I tell you this because you have to dump him girl. Stop givin' him another chance. He cheated on you a hundred times and every time he breaks your heart. He's not gonna change, because deep down he loves someone who will never answer his love. That's why he always feels so miserable on parties where Juan and June are suckin' each other's faces and why he drinks way too much. He has no idea why he feels so down, which frustrates him even more."

Jordy bent her head. A tear rolled down her cheek. Many times she had doubted herself because he wasn't faithful. Did he still believe she was ugly? Was she not funny enough, not friendly enough?

Mateo wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. "You're a great girl, Jor. I told you that before. And I really believe E cares about you, if not he wouldn't try to make this work over and over again. But he's in love with Juan and I think that's what's messing up his feelings. The friendship he thinks he feels for his best friend is way more than that, while his feelings for you probably don't rise above friendship."

Part of her felt sorry for Emilio because he was so conflicted with himself. "He will never admit his feelings for Juan."

"No," Mateo agreed. "Tomorrow he won't remember he kissed me. Except for you, nobody knows and I hope you wanna keep this to yourself. Not only because Emilio isn't ready to face the truth about his sexuality, also because I'm afraid it will drive a wedge between Juan and Emilio and those boys need each other. And I neither want Juan to think that I have a thing for younger boys."

He looked away, his jaw clenched.

Jordy understood him. June told her what accusations Juan's mother had made in the beginning of their relationship and Mateo didn't want to give his brother a reason to contemplate his mother's words again.

"Keeping this theory to myself saves me a lot of trouble too," she sighed. "Ending our relationship is one thing. Claiming that I dump him because my boyfriend is gay... I will declare myself as his enemy."

And the last thing she wanted, was someone like Emilio to be her enemy. And who would believe her anyway? For their classmates, a jealous ex spreading lies was more believable than a macho man like Emilio being gay.

"It's not going to help you. Just tell him you're done with him and that you don't believe he'll ever change."

Jordy heaved a deep sigh. She was in love with him for over two years. It was hard to give him up, even when she had never _really_ believed there was a future for them.

Her head dropped to the side, resting against Mateo's shoulder. How ironic that it was Mateo of all people who was sitting next to her now, persuading her to break up with Emilio. Without his plan, Emilio never would have dared to admit his feelings for her in the first place. Despite the heartache Emilio caused her over the past two years, she felt no regret. Not even of all the times she had forgiven him – even when he hadn't asked for it.

But if growing up was impossible for him, it was up to her to make a wise decision.

"I'm going home," she sighed. "I'll talk to him when he's sober."

She shoved back a little, pulled up her legs and got up. Mateo walked with her to the door. Right before she opened it, she turned towards him.

"Thank you," she said. "I think I needed someone else than June telling me this." She kissed his cheek.

She didn't step away from him immediately, it felt like the mixture of his perfume and some sweet drink held her captive. She thought back to the time she slept with him, almost two years ago. He was by far the most confident person in whose bedroom she had ever been and she had to admit that he was hard to beat, especially because he was so sure of everything he did. Emilio had mainly pretended to be confident, but it had never been as natural as with Mateo.

She pulled back a little and looked him in the eye, her face still close to his. Would she kiss him? It felt like a silent vengeance on Emilio, and Mateo had told her he didn't care with whom he kissed.

He kept her glance. She didn't know if it was a hint, but when he wet his lips she leaned into him and kissed him. For a moment she thought to feel hesitation, then he raked his fingers through her blue hair, answering her kiss.

Somehow it felt deliberating, kissing someone else than Emilio. Even when he was the last one she had kissed before she got into a relationship with him. Kissing her, he gently pushed her backwards until her back touched the wall. Her hands glided into his back pocket and she pulled him against her waist. The feel of his excitement turned her on too. His hand cupped her breast and she gasped into his mouth. Her fingers moved to the front, tugging at his button. Right now she wanted to feel someone else's hands all over her body, she wanted to feel someone else inside her. Even if it meant nothing. Emilio needed to leave her thoughts, her system. And she knew Mateo could give her an orgasm she would remember for the rest of her life.

Right before she could unbutton his pants, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away. Dotting kisses to her ear, he whispered: "Only kissing. Everything else I save for my girl."

Right.

She had never understood the terms of their relationship, since they both shamelessly kissed other people while their partners were around. It had to be some open relationship, she thought – but with restrictions, she realized now.

For a moment she wondered if it would work for Emilio and her too, then she shoved the thought to the side. No – she was open minded, but she would always feel insecure if she allowed him to kiss other girls.

She cupped his jaw and kissed him lightly. "I think I should go home. Thanks for being there for me."

Then, she went through the door and left the party.

* * *

The memory slipped away. It was eighteen years ago. Only eighteen years later Emilio himself also learned about his true feelings for Juan.

She looked at the man in front of her. Her high school sweetheart. She still loved him, she would always love him. However, she had accepted it would never work between them, not even now he had grown up. It hadn't even hurt her when he had grown closer to June and fallen in love with her. Yes, she had been skeptical, afraid that Emilio would hurt her, but she had never been jealous.

But he learned from his mistakes; until last night he had been faithful to her and since June had kissed with Juan too, she didn't believe her friend felt hurt.

Confusion radiated from his face, confusion because he had just learnt about the kiss with Mateo.

"It happened on the night I broke up with you," she said. "For real. You two had kissed when you went to the storage room to get more beer. After the kiss you were confused, you drank even more and started to kiss other girls. I was on the roof when Mateo came to me and confessed that he kissed you, and that he was one of the reasons why you tried to find back your masculinity. He convinced me to give up on you."

"I – I don't get it," he stammered. "Was I the one kissing him? Or the other way around? And why – why did he kiss me back without ever mentioning it again?"

"I think he neither knew why he kissed you. He kissed a lot of people at those parties, I think he was just curious and couldn't think of a reason to push you away."

"Did he feel ashamed?" he asked quietly. "Was that the reason he never mentioned it?"

"How do you think you would have reacted?" she asked skeptically. "He knew you were mentally... not ready to accept your sexuality. He believed it needed time. And he was probably scared that you would ruin your friendship with Juan out of fear that someone else would pick up on your feelings."

Emilio rubbed his face. "I can't believe I kissed both brothers and that they even kissed me back. Does Juan know?"

"I never told anyone, and neither did Mateo, I think."

Emilio was silent for a while. "I really was a shitty boyfriend," he sighed. "Sorry Jor. I hurt you so much."

She shrugged her shoulders. "It's a lifetime ago. Nobody leaves high school without knowing the pain of a broken heart. Not even love birds like June and Juan." She looked at him. "How did June respond, by the way?"

"She was sweet, as always. She said some things finally fell into place. My feelings for Juan don't bother her. But Juan..." He sighed. "I really fucked up this time."

"This isn't worse than what you did seventeen years ago. If he was trying to forgive you for that, he will get over this too." Over the table, she reached for his hand. "It's all super complicated tho. You love both of them, June loves you both..."

"Yesterday June told me she wishes the three of us can be together." There was a blush on his cheeks, making her smile tenderly. "But I don't think Juan would ever want a triangular relationship and he neither wants June to stay with me. I think he wants me as far away from June as possible."

"I think you underestimate Juan. I think his wish to make June happy has no limitations. And when not having to give up either of you makes her happy, he will accept you. In the end. For her."

That however didn't mean Juan would ever love Emilio romantically, but she doubted it was something Emilio cared much about. More than anything, he wanted his best friend back.

She got up. "Come on, let's get some fresh air. To let everything sink in." She headed to the couch and turned off the tv. "Come on boy, let's go to the petting zoo. Get your jacket."

At first Glenn looked a bit upset because he could no longer watch tv, then he jumped up and ran to the door. "Daddy coming with us?" he asked as he returned with his jacket.

Emilio feigned a smile, giving her a glare. Jordy nudged his shoulder.

"You're a family man now. It's about time you go to the petting zoo with your kid."

"I thought that's what I have you for," he grunted. "A fucking petting zoo. Walking through goat and sheep shit."

"And now you sound like the sixteen year old Emilio again," she chuckled. "Always complaining. But just like with our dates, you're gonna like this too. Trust me."

He rolled his eyes. Nevertheless, a slight smile appeared on his face.

"Okay kid!" He lifted his son, putting him on his shoulders. Glenn was yelling in pleasure. "Daddy will go to the petting zoo with you."

Smiling, Jordy grabbed her keys. Daddy Emilio. She would never completely get used to it.


	81. The Arms of a Father

**THE PRESENT**

Juice had the feeling his head was about to burst. The pain was so sharp he didn't even realize where he was. Only when he sat up straight and rubbed his stiff neck, he discovered that he was sitting in a shed. A sour smell tickled his nostrils. Puke. Numbly, he registered a pool of vomit next to him. There was an empty bottle next to it.

Where did he get it?

The pounding of his head was too heavy to dig into his memories. Pulling up his knees, he pushed his face against them. For a while he kept sitting that way, until the door opened. How much time had gone by, he didn't know.

Through a haze, he saw someone crouching down across from him and laying a hand on his knee.

"You can't keep sitting here, Juan. Please come inside."

June... It was June. His sweet, beautiful June. The light in his life, which he'd wanted to see one last time. Was she real? Probably not. Countless times he had fantasized that she had returned to him, that she had found him and wanted to stay with him.

It never happened.

With glassy eyes he stared at her. All of a sudden, she was gone.

Of course she was. She was just a figment of his imagination.

He nearly bawled.

And his head was pounding, blazing.

Maybe it wasn't because of the booze. Maybe someone shot him in the head. He might as well have done it himself. Even fucking up a suicide – that would be typical him, right? He was a failure. He couldn't even kill himself properly.

Again, he sensed someone was near. With an empty glance in his eyes he looked up.

There she was again. His angel.

Although he knew she wasn't real, he smiled. It felt like he could die in peace now, as if he had waited for this moment.

She talked to him, although her words sounded incomprehensibly far away. And she pressed something against his hand.

A glass.

He stared at the contents. Water.

"...an? Do you hear me?"

Finally, he shook off the numbness. "Yeah," he answered hoarsely.

She held out her hand. He wanted to grab it; then he saw the painkiller in the palm of it.

His angel, always so caring. He took the pill, put it in his mouth and swallowed it with a sip of water. Suddenly he realized how thirsty he was and he downed the glass in one movement.

"Please come with me, Juan." She was on her knees in front of him. "Take a shower, put on some clean clothes and take a nap on the bed."

He nodded blankly.

It didn't matter what she would say to him. Even if she told him to go back to Charming or to turn himself in; he would do it. Her voice was enchanting, he couldn't resist it and he neither wanted to resist. She had always known what was best for him.

Wobbly, he stood up. She wrapped an arm around him to support him. His body was stiff, but he knew he could walk without her help.

He however didn't want to. He wanted to lean into her, wanted to be close to her. She smelled so good; flowers and a sweetness he'd never been able to identify... and there was this other fresh scent he couldn't define, which gave him a familiar feeling and made the hairs in his neck rise.

The moment they left the shed so he could breathe in the fresh air, his mind became clearer. He realized how much he smelled, and quickly he let go of June, feeling ashamed. "I'm okay," he muttered.

She said nothing, she however did stroke his back before she opened the backdoor. Juice froze the moment he wanted to enter the room. He stared at the couch; he saw himself sitting on it, Emilio next to him. Laughing at first, but in the blink of an eye they were kissing. He could still feel the man's tongue in his mouth, he remembered how his friend's hand had slipped into his pants to play with his dick.

 _"You like this huh?"_ his rough, hoarse voice echoed in his head. _"Tell me what you need to relax homes. I never sucked a dick but I'm sure you taste fucking great. You can fuck me too if you like."_

By reflex, he bent over and gagged. His stomach however was empty; all he tasted was bile. His whole body was shaking. Was it true? Had he liked it? He didn't want to remember, nevertheless his memories tried to recreate the things he'd felt.

"Where is he?" he whispered. He didn't want to see the man. Not now – not ever.

"He is on a day out with Glenn," June answered calmly. "So we can talk with Rafi."

Rafi... There were also some vague memories about the boy. His son. They however were too blurry to call up any words they'd spoken.

"Did Emilio tell you? What he did?"

"Yes," she answered softly. "He was pretty confused."

Juice snorted. _Bet he was._

The determined voice that had shaken Juice up yesterday however told him a different story. He had known very well what he'd been doing. Again, bile was burning in the back of his throat. He didn't want to think about it anymore. He didn't want to think about anything anymore.

June rubbed his back. "Come on, Juan. Go take a shower, then I'll make you some breakfast."

Hesitantly, Juice nodded and went upstairs.

* * *

Once he was done showering, he felt a little better. Just like yesterday he'd taken some clothes from Emilio's wardrobe, but this time they really seemed to itch and he wanted nothing more than tearing them off his body. The thought about his former friend caused a pang in his stomach. Yesterday there had been this glimmer of longing for their old friendship. He had lost so many friends, had fucked up so many things... He craved for a friend, someone who knew him inside out and still didn't hate him.

Now however, he didn't know what to think of it. He didn't understand why Emilio had wanted to kiss him; thinking about it made his head spin. Sighing, he went downstairs. There were some cheese and biscuits on the table, a glass milk and a cup of tea next to it.

He stared at it. The simple gesture made him emotional; was this what all his mornings would have looked like if he had stayed with her? If he had searched for a way to get her back?

He walked to the kitchen and watched her tidying up the counter top. Suddenly he could no longer bear the distance; he stepped forward and locked her in his arms. Tears filled his eyes as he pressed his face against her shoulder.

She turned around. For a moment he feared she would push him away, then she leaned her head against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. He closed his eyes while holding her, kissing her hair. Their bodies melted together like they used to; they were like two halves perfectly fitting. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, and at the same time he knew he would only repeat himself. And so, he stayed quiet, for it was a pleasant silence.

"You need to eat something," she said eventually.

"I don't want to let you go," he murmured into her hair.

She looked up, cupping his jaw with her hand. "I'm going nowhere, Juan. As long as you stay with me, I'll stay with you."

He dipped his head, resting his forehead against hers. More than anything he wanted to tell her he would never leave her again, but he wasn't sure he could keep that promise. His life felt like a ball game of which only injury time was left.

In the end he let go of her and sat down at the table. He was hungry, the nausea however hadn't disappeared completely and so he only took small bites. June was sitting next to him. She stared through the window, deep in thoughts. She looked worried, even a bit scared.

He didn't know how to help her. Whatever was troubling her; he was the reason. When she didn't say a single word during breakfast, he carefully laid a hand on her knee.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

His touch seemed to startle her. Quickly, he pulled back his hand.

Sighing, she turned towards him. "You remember talking to Rafi last night? In the shed?"

Slowly, he shook his head. "I know I talked to him, or at least I've seen him... But I can't remember the conversation."

June sipped from her tea before she started to stare into the dark fluid. "You told him you're his father."

Luckily Juice wasn't holding a warm drink, for it surely would have slipped his fingers. "W-what?"

"Emilio spoke to him this morning. He told me Rafi stormed out of the house after the boy stated that he'd talked to you. You told him you kissed Emilio and that you're his father."

"Fuck." Grunting, Juice rubbed his face.

"He wants answers, Juan. The moment he cools down."

"Yeah." He heaved a deep sigh. "Then we'll have to give him those." He took June's hand in his and squeezed. "You did everything a good mom would do, baby. I'm not sure if he ever wants to talk to me again, but there's nothing he can blame you for. You wanted to give him a father to be proud of. Something we both lacked, something we've carried around our whole lives."

She looked up to him. He saw the fear in her eyes. "I hope he sees that too."

"Of course. He knows there's only love in your heart. Everyone who knows you, knows that."

* * *

Rafi was sitting on a small wall enclosing the lot of a large wood storage. There was no specific reason he was sitting here. After walking for over 30 minutes he just needed to sit.

He stared at the ground, not knowing what to do. He could go to Mitchell, but he was probably still sleeping. In his own bed of in his girlfriend's. He really wasn't in the mood to tell his friend about last night – and about the discovery that his mom had been lying to him from the moment he was born. His father was still alive.

He hadn't died some heroic death, he was just a drunken asshole. Many times he had wished his father was still alive; now however he wanted him dead. He wanted everything to go back to normal.

The longer he thought about everything, the heavier his shoulders felt. Maybe he shouldn't postpone this. He was inclined to avoid confrontations, but only if it gave him something. And this would give him nothing. This problem wouldn't solve itself. He could ran as far as he wanted, that Juan guy wouldn't be gone once he returned.

He sauntered back home, his hands deep in his pockets and clenched to fists. Nervousness spread through his body like wildfire, without knowing why. _He_ hadn't done anything wrong. And still, it felt like he had.

Juan was sitting next to his mom at the kitchen table, he noticed when he opened the backdoor. He gritted his teeth as he saw them quickly pulling their hands away from each other. Too late. Did they think he was a moron?

He had never been this disappointed in his mom. Why did she do this? She had a really cool boyfriend. It had taken some time to get used to a man in his life, but he really liked Emilio and he wished the man had been his real dad. He was the one who came to look at the performances of his band, who took him to football matches, who gave him advice about girls and other stuff.

In silence he sat down in front of the two. Juan stared at the table top, his mom avoided his glance as well. At least she felt guilty.

"So you're my dad?"

If they weren't about to say something, he would. Maybe he was wrong, maybe he had misunderstood Emilio or...

"Yeah."

With those four letters he lashed out at everything Rafi had thought to be. A boy without a father, the son of a man who had died young.

Juan sighed, planting his elbows at the table and rubbing his face. "I didn't know your mom was pregnant when I left her," he said. "I only found out about you two days ago."

Right. Rafi didn't know whether he believed him. Whether he _wanted_ to believe him. Hating him from the depths of his soul was just easier. That was an emotion that gave him strength, instead of making him feel weak.

He looked at his mother. "Why didn't you just tell me dad didn't know about me? I could have gone looking for him."

She looked at him with a deep sadness in her eyes. Despite everything, he felt sorry for her. "Juan and I were together for five years. One day he simply disappeared. At first I was worried sick, not much later his sister told me he was with someone else. It broke my heart. I never understood why he didn't have the guts to tell me the truth. Later, I wondered if he had known that I was pregnant. I felt sick for a while before I realized what caused it. I thought he might have sensed it and didn't want a child." She dropped her eyes and sighed softly. "Juan grew up without a father; he left their family when he was born. My own father left us when I was 14. It marked us, Rafi. The feeling that your own father doesn't love you... It made me feel insecure all my life – and the same goes for Juan. We both had abandonment issues – we still have. I didn't want that for you. I didn't want you to think that your father didn't want you, that you were the reason he left. That unrest, that pain... It would mark you like it marked us. Instead, I wanted to give you a father you could look up to. And so, I told you about your uncle, Mateo. He died when he was 22, when someone started to shoot at us and he shielded us with his body."

Rafi stared at his fingers. He had no idea what to say. She had wanted to save him pain, and he understood... But it didn't take away the fact that he could have had a father. A father who didn't know about him. All his life, he had mourned a father who'd never given him life.

He looked up to Juan. "Why did you leave?"

The man's eyes were filled with tears. His breathing went rapid, and he saw that his mom was rubbing his back reassuringly, as if _he_ was the child at this table.

"My brother and I were very close. He was my best friend, the one I could always count on. I didn't have a dad, and so my brother always took care of me." He swallowed. "His dead destroyed me. Filled me with hatred. I could only think of one thing: to avenge him. And so I did. I killed his murderer, without knowing that I was sticking my hand in a hornet's nest. That same night I found out the guy who I killed was with the mob. I knew they would haunt me, that they would kill me. They chased me literally, so I couldn't go home. I was terrified they would hurt June and I didn't want to drag her along in my desperate flight. She had her family, her friends... I knew I broke her heart, but I believed she would fall in love again. Without me, she was at least safe and she could go to college... Not knowing that she was pregnant and that things would go completely different." He breathed out shakily. "I left every behind, gave my sister one call so she would make sure that June wouldn't go looking for me. I knew the mob would find her and keep an eye on her; the moment they knew how to contact me they would use her as leverage. The only way to protect her, was by disappearing completely."

Juan's story made him silent. It sounded so surreal... Like some movie plot. He looked at the broken man in front of him, but it was hard to see a murderer in him. Then again, maybe that was exactly the reason why he was so broken.

"And it never crossed your mind to go looking for her?" he asked quietly. "Only now, fifteen years later?"

"The first five years I didn't dare to reach out, afraid she was still watched. Then it became harder and harder to take that step. I convinced myself she was over me, that she had found another man who made her happy. She deserved better than me, she always has and she still does." His emotional eyes rested in Rafi's. "But if I'd known about you kid... I never wanted my kid to grow up without a dad. Especially because I know that void, that pain. If I'd known about you, I would have find a way to seek contact with you. Even if I needed to use postcards."

Rafi swallowed. The tears were stinging his eyes.

He didn't know what to do with this; how to let out his emotions. Part of him wanted to hug this fragile man, who had given up everything to keep his mom save. Another part of him still wanted to push him away, wishing he'd never shown up.

"Why did you come looking for her now?" he muttered.

"Giving up your mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Not a day went by without feeling regret; every day I cursed myself because I wanted to avenge my brother so much that I couldn't foresee how it would destroy the life of the person I loved the most. I know my days are numbered, that I won't live long. I wanted to see her one last time to find some inner peace, by seeing that she was happy. To convince myself that I had made at least one wise decision in my life."

Goosebumps spread across his arms. His days were numbered? Was that was why he was so broken? "Are you terminally ill?"

Juan shook his head, studying his face. Then he glanced at June, who nodded quietly.

"You can tell him."

"Okay." He cleared his throat. "I'm not sick. But I'm... I'm a wanted man. Both the police and my former club are looking for me." He searched for words, staring into his empty glass. June saw it, she filled it in the kitchen and gave it back to Juan, who gave her a small smile. "I fled to California. There I got involved with the Sons of Anarchy, a motorclub."

"More like a gang, right?" he muttered. He'd heard about these guys. A friend of Emilio and his mom was involved in a club too.

"Yeah," Juan muttered. "They could use someone who was good with computers. To hack shit. In exchange, they offered me protection. It wasn't an easy life. Lots of violence, lots of illegal shit. I've been in jail three times, was almost stabbed to death there, I've lost plenty of friends..." He bent his head. "The club... It was all I had. I was terrified to lose them. That made me an easy target to manipulate, and I did things I shouldn't have done... They gave me a second chance, but my President kept me on a leash. Let me do the dirty work, do things I didn't want to, things that..." He swallowed. "Things that broke me. In the end I was all alone. Everyone hated me, wanted me dead. I tried to have peace with it... but I couldn't because... because I kept thinking about your mom. I just wanted to see her one more time... to convince myself that she was happy. But then, I found out about you... that I had a kid all those years..." He moved his hand a little, as if he wanted to take Rafi's. He felt relieved when the man didn't do it. "I'm not sure how long I can stay here. You got E... I didn't see why you would want to get to know a failure like me. However, your mom and E persuaded me to stay here for a while, and if I pretended to be your uncle, I'd get a chance to know you so I could decide if the truth would bring you anything good. Anyway. Things didn't go as planned."

Rafi let the words sink in. It was just too much bizarre information to let it all sink in. His father was a wanted criminal, some sick motor gang was after him...

"Are we safe here?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah. We live by a code. Innocents have nothing to fear from us. If they find me, they will leave you alone and take me."

"And then they will kill you."

"Probably," Juan muttered. "Or they will sent me to jail and leave me to die. Which won't take long, without protection."

A long, heavy silence fell. What was expected from him now? Was he supposed to give his father a chance, or should he tell him to fuck off? He didn't know what he wanted, his head was a chaos.

He felt sick and the tears were burning in his eyes. Suddenly, he broke down and started to sob. It felt so unfair that his father had never been part of his life, especially because none of them had wanted this; it felt like they were all victims while they were all guilty too.

He covered his face with his hands while his shoulders were shaking. He heard a chair being shoved back. For a moment he thought to receive his mother's embrace, then he felt a bigger hand on his shoulder, hesitating.

"I'm sorry Rafi," his father said in a trembling voice. "You have no idea how much I wished things had gone differently."

Rafi jumped up. "Don't touch me!" he yelled.

He couldn't breathe, was wavering. His fingers tugged at Juan's shirt; he wanted to push him away. It felt like all strength was drawn from his arms; instead of pushing him away he pressed his face against the man's shoulder, sobbing. Crying, he held on to the man, who he wanted to hate and love at the same time.

He felt how Juan wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. His heart ached. So this was how it felt, the embrace of a father. Nobody but his mom had ever held him like this, and despite the fact that his father was a mess, his arms felt strong and protecting.

A little bit of hope seeped into his heart.

Maybe he could have it. Maybe he could really have a dad.

He had never realized that he craved so desperately for it, but right now he felt it in every fiber of his being. He'd longed for arms like this.

* * *

Hey all!

So, Juice finally had a good talk with his son. Poor guys. /3

Also, I wanted to tell you that I started another teenage Juice story, I hope you'd like to check it out. It will be something completely different since he's going to live with his father. The OC is quite the opposite of June and Juice will be a bit more confident and flirty than in this story. (:

Despite Juice's young age there will be some ties to the Sons, since Happy and Kozik play a role in it. (:

The story is called **Upon Deaf Ears**


	82. Dark Fantasies

**THE PAST**

All these years Beth had a wrong idea about friendship. Only when Selma sat down at her table two weeks ago during lunch, she realized what she had missed.

In her old group of friends she had always been the fifth wheel. June and Jordy were thick as thieves, and if something was bothering Shawna she always went to those two too first. Beth was like some backup friend. Pathetic as it was, Jordy's pity had been the glue keeping them together and by now, Beth felt like cushioning.

Things were different with Selma. She understood her hatred, believing she had every right to be mad with her former friends and those disgusting boys. Selma had been the first one encouraging her to take revenge. After all, Juan and Emilio's 'joke' had turned her into an outcast.

"You want revenge?" Selma had asked her yesterday.

Beth had been sitting with Selma's friends at lunch. Dark clothed people who everyone gave a wide berth. Witches. Wiccans.

Her new group of friends had attracted attention; during the whole lunch break Emilio had glared at her, and June had skittishly peeked at her. As if they knew what was awaiting them.

For yes – she wanted revenge. Without a doubt.

Smiling darkly, she got out of the car. It was already dark, they had waited for the moonlight. Quietly she closed the door, then she headed to the corner house. She had barely rang the door bell when Selma let her in.

"Hey," the girl smiled. "Come in."

Beth smiled back. To be honest she'd never cared about Selma, but now they had gotten to know each other she really liked the girl. Her skin was dark, her black curls wild. Her black lip gloss and dark eye shadow gave her something sinister, something that appealed her after hanging out with boring girls like June and Shawna for such a long time.

Selma was different. Confident, dangerous. She knew a lot of classmates were scared of her. And with good reason.

The breakup with Cynthia had been hard. Her ex had hurt her deeply by telling her Beth had became too bitter, and that she always felt depressed after spending time with her.

Beth blamed June. If she hadn't turned her back on her, she wouldn't have been bitter.

Selma however didn't care about her bitterness. She was bitter herself too, after being bullied for years. Just like her friends. But instead of crying in a corner, they had found a way to have their satisfaction.

Before entering the house, she hugged Selma and closed the door. Together they walked to the living room.

"You took everything with you?"

Beth nodded. Opening her bag, she took the cloth dolls from it. Pictures of the people who had hurt her, were stapled to it. It had been easy to find those of June and Jordy, she'd found those of Mateo and Juan online and she had secretly made a picture of Emilio in school.

Selma took the dolls from her and watched them with a smirk. "Beautiful." She squeezed the neck of Emilio's voodoo doll. "This asshole is close to having his own altar."

Beth wasn't surprised. Most people who were a victim of bullying mentioned his name first.

"Here, this one is for you." Selma handed her a silver octagram. "You have to wear it to protect yourself."

Her words made Beth a little nervous. Actually she had never believed in witchcraft, but Selma and her friends were quite serious about it. The idea to curse other people was thrilling, but imagining it would really work...

Beth hung the necklace around her neck.

"Let's go to the others." Selma held out her hand to help her get up, without letting go of her hand after it.

Beth's eyes flashed to the side; Selma gave her a mischievous smile. She put the voodoos back in her bag, then they walked to the back door, holding hands.

"How long are you doing this?" Beth asked as they stepped into the darkness.

"I started with Wicca two years ago. Only a year ago, a friend of mine established this Coven where after we started with the curses and rituals."

"Did something really happen to those cursed people?"

"Absolutely. A few weeks ago, Gina had a car accident; Marx got robbed and threatened and Ella's been groped. If the spirits believe they deserve pain, they will get it."

Beth stared forward, deep in thoughts. "And what happens when opinions are divided about the victims? What if I put down a voodoo for someone they like?"

"Then you have to convince them that your victim deserves the pain."

Mateo had raped her sister.

Emilio and Juan had humiliated her in front of the whole school.

June had chosen her lover over their friendship.

And Jordy always picked June's side.

She couldn't imagine someone would disagree with cursing the three boys. Maybe they didn't care about June either, since they'd probably never talked to her. But Jordy... She had a lot of friends. Everywhere. She liked to hang out with outcasts. Maybe it was wiser to wait, to give her a chance to apologize.

Across a dark alley they strolled to someone's backyard. Selma led her into a shed, where a stairs took them underground.

As Beth left the last step behind, she started to feel nervous, not exactly knowing where she was getting herself in to. As if Selma sensed her doubts, she squeezed her hand.

"You suffer, Beth," Selma said. "They ruined your chance to lead a normal life. They deserve this. Don't feel guilty."

Beth entered a room that was filled with dozens of candles; there was a smell of incense and candle wax. Along the wall was a large bookcase and a low table was shoved against the farthest wall. There were dolls and other objects on it, surrounded by candles.

They were with eight. She had expected to see Selma's dark clothed friends, but there were only two of them. One girl she had never seen before, and there were also two quiet boys she had never expected to see in a place like this.

Beth followed Selma, who introduced her to the others. Behind her, a door closed. Beth looked over her shoulder and was met by Blair, Selma's best friend. Selma had called her the high priestess.

"Hey Beth," Blair greeted her in a sweet voice. "Welcome. Selma told me you would like to join us because you believe people have wronged you."

Beth nodded hesitantly. "Yeah."

"And she explained the principle of the curses, right?"

Again, she nodded. She reached for her bag and unzipped it to show the girl the dolls.

"Get this straight, Beth. The moment you ask the spirits for help, the consequences of the curse are unpredictable. Sometimes, the cursed person dies. Be sure you want to be responsible for that."

Those words startled her. She wouldn't blink an eye if one of the boys would get hit by a truck, but Jordy and June... It felt like they were victims of some spell themselves.

"I understand," she said eventually.

"Good. Now tell us about your pain."

Blair led Beth to the altar, where after the other witches sat down on the ground, facing her. For a moment the fear that they wouldn't understand her pain paralyzed her, until Selma gave her an encouraging nod.

And so, she started to talk. About all the pain Mateo had caused her family, about how his little brother destroyed her friendships and how Emilio and Juan had ultimately painted her car with obscene messages because of which everyone despised her.

She decided to focus on the three boys. Nobody would question their dark souls, she could see it in their eyes. They all knew Emilio and his friends; she had seen some of the stick figures hanging from gallows. At least four people had already cursed Emilio, making the doubt grow.

Apparently it didn't help much.

"Does it really work?" she asked, looking at the figures again.

"We can't force the spirits into anything. They will take action when they believe the cursed victim deserves it. Sometimes it takes months, or even years," Blair explained. "Patience, Beth. Believe that your pain will recompensed."

Beth nodded. "Okay. What should I do now?"

"You can put the jars and dolls at the table."

Following the orders of the girl, she took everything from the bag. The high priestess picked up doll by doll, casting spells to invite dark spirits. The candles were flickering, and a shiver crept down her spine.

"You can start with the one you hate the most," Blair told her when all the voodoo dolls were consecrated.

That wasn't hard. She opened the empty pickle jar and looked for Mateo's doll.

"Concentrate on what he did to you. Call up the pain he inflicted you and put it in the jar."

Beth closed her eyes. It was harder than expected, especially because she'd never spoken to the guy. She focused on her sister, on how much she missed her, how lost she felt because of what Mateo had done.

Blair came to stand next to her, putting a case on the table and opening it. "You can use the rusty nails to cause your target pain. The red pepper flakes call up anger, and with a few drops of vinegar you can sour his life or a relationship between him and someone else. You can break family bonds, friendships, romances. With the rosebush thorns you can turn your target into a victim of betrayal."

"Do I have to choose one?"

"As many as you like. As long as you are aware of what you're doing. Picture the things you want to happen to him."

She closed her eyes, allowing her darkest fantasies. Pain – she wanted him to suffer. So much pain that he would die. Taking three nails, she pushed them into the body. Then she took the bottle of vinegar and poured it over the doll. In her view, he could lose everyone he cared about.

She repeated the process with the two other boys, opting nails for Emilio and everything else for Juan. She wanted him to get into a fight with his brother and his friend, and with June, she wanted him to have tantrums, for that would hurt June too. There was a monster inside him – in all three of them – but Juan was the one who was the most talented in hiding it.

Satisfied, she looked at the dolls that were filled with objects.

"Once you're done, you put every doll in a jar," Blair instructed her.

After doing so, the girl handed her a few candles.

"Scratch their names in the candles. There after, you seal the jars with candle wax, that will make the curse stronger."

Beth took a new spike and scratched the names into the wax.

"Now we're almost done. Shake the jar, focus on your dark thoughts and direct them to the jar."

While doing so, she felt how the girl shuffled closer to her, muttering incomprehensible sentences. The hairs in her neck rose, but she continued shaking.

"Well done," Selma said after a while, putting her hand on Beth's shoulder. She pointed to a high cupboard next to the bookshelves. "Put it in there."

Beth took the jars and carried them to the cupboard. The moment she opened it, she realized there were already a lot of jars in it. She added hers to them and closed the door.

Selma wrapped an arm around her. "Very well. Now, we will wait."

* * *

Everything went so fast. They had agreed that she would sleep at her new friend's house, but she never expected to sleep in the same bed and especially not that Selma would take her clothes off, making her feel things not even Cynthia had made her feel. They had been stroking each other, but they'd never been naked. Selma however turned out to be very experienced, spoiling Beth until she could do nothing but sigh and moan while every dark thought vanished.

"How do you feel?" Selma asked the next morning.

Overwhelmed. That was the first word crossing her mind. She however didn't know if Selma was referring to the curses or to the sexual acts.

"I'm good," she answered with a shy smile.

Selma tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, giving her a lazy kiss before she looked Beth in the eye again. "What about Jordy and June? You left their dolls in your bag."

Beth hesitated. "I want them to be punished, but I don't want them to suffer a lot. It feels like June is a victim too, you know, she's just blinded by those animals. And Jordy..." She sighed. "I don't know. I want to give her another chance. And I... I don't want her to die."

Selma leaned on her elbow. "There are other ways to punish people, without cursing them. You already messed June up, maybe that's enough for now. You also have to learn to understand when pain is even. And Jordy... How did she react on what the boys did?"

"She barely responded," she muttered. "She says I'm insane."

"You're not insane, sweetie." Selma caressed her face. "Maybe Jordy does not realize how much she hurts you, because she's so focused on June's feelings. You could give her the same pain. Make sure the whole school will give her dirty looks too."

With a sigh, Beth turned on her back. "Jordy doesn't care about what others think of her." She thought about it. "Unless..." A dark plan formed in her head. "She has a secret, something only Shawna, June, me and her family know about. Something she's completely embarrassed by."

Selma leaned closer to her, caressing her stomach and her breasts. "I would offer her a chance to reconcile, giving her a last way out. If she refuses... She's begging to be humiliated."

* * *

Beth looked up Jordy's time schedule to find out when she had classes without June and Shawna, then she waited for her former friend.

Jordy however gave her a cold glance and was about to simply walk past her.

This wasn't going to be easy. Anger was already bubbling up underneath her skin, yet she tried to keep her emotions in check.

"Jordy..." she started. "Can we please talk?"

At first she thought the girl would bluntly ignore her, then she turned around. "Then talk."

Beth took a step towards her. "I don't like how things went down with June, but this is something between June and me and I don't think our friendship needs to suffer from it."

"I have no desire to be friends with someone like you," Jordy huffed.

"Someone like me?!" she asked in a shrill voice. Shit – that was the end of her self control. "What do you mean with that?"

"Someone who assaults her friends."

Beth squeezed her eyes. "I've been assaulted too! Mentally! By June's loverboy and his disgusting friend. You treat them like shit now too?"

"I'm not in the mood for your self-pity, Beth. You totally deserved what the boys did to you."

The tears jumped in Beth's eyes. How _could_ she say that? What the hell had happened to her, it felt like she was bewitched too!

"Just wait," she grumbled.

Jordy raised her eyebrows. "For what?"

"You're going to regret this," she hissed. "We will show you how it feels when the whole school is disgusted with you."

Jordy's frown deepened. "Are you threatening me?"

"You bet I am!" She grabbed Jordy's arm, digging her nails into her flesh. "I'll get you for this. All of this. You will beg for mercy and I won't give it to you." She took a deep breath, a devouring fire was burning inside her stomach. "They destroy me and you don't care. You're even worse than them. I will destroy you, Jordy. You'll find out. You will know how it feels to be me." Her eyes drilled in Jordy's. Jordy's face started to pale, she saw to her satisfaction. "You told me your little secret, remember? Your family scandal. And I will make sure _everyone_ knows about it." She spitted at her feet. "Whore."

Jordy's eyes widened; the fear was finally taking over.

Beth showed her a diabolic smirk.

"Too late," she whispered. "It's too late for your apologies now."


	83. Mind Like A Battlefield

**THE PAST**

It felt like she could feel Beth's eyes burn on her back all day long. Her former friend's behavior shocked her, she had never expected her to be so... _maniacal._ The relationship with Beth had always been a bit harder than those with Shawna and June, especially because Beth liked to keep herself to herself. Nevertheless, she had always involved Beth in every activity, knowing how much the loss of her sister weighted on her. They were all scarred, having a hard time at home; Shawna because of her parents who were always in a fight and burdened her with the care for her autistic brother, June because of her sick mom and her father who'd left their family, and she herself had suffered a great deal too. She had always believed that they could support each other, be there for one another, because they all knew what it felt like to be part of dysfunctional families. For a long time they indeed had a strong bond... until June started to fall for Juan and the memory of Mateo called up Beth's hatred. Ever since, things had became tougher every week, up to a point that Jordy realized that their friendship would never heal. She knew June still hoped for a reunion and Shawna was still spending time with Beth, but the minute Beth assaulted June, Jordy had enough of her. That Beth felt no remorse and was _really_ insane, was proven by the fact that she started to threaten her after Jordy had refused to hang out with her.

The threat never left her mind. When she confessed the horrible things that happened to her when she was little, she'd never expected anyone would hold it against her one day. Why would she? Beth had been her friend, she had loved her, trusted her. What had happened to her was horrible and she couldn't think of a reason why anyone would _ever_ expose her secret or hurt her intentionally with it.

Oh, how wrong she had been. After what Beth did to June, she believed that bitch was capable of _anything._ Her eyes fluttered to the side of the lunch room, where Beth was sitting with her new friends. Jordy liked some of them, but some certainly not.

It weren't exactly nice stories that were told about Selma and her best friend; that they organized witch meetings in which they cursed their classmates. Not something she believed in herself, but the fact that doing something like that crossed their minds in the first place, proved how mentally ill they were. Not exactly people an unstable person like Beth should hang out with.

As if Beth was able to hear her thoughts, she cocked her head to the side and glared at Jordy, her lips forming a sinister grin. The sight of it gave Jordy goosebumps and she quickly looked away. It felt like her intestines were freezing. She was _scared._ She just knew something was going to happen soon and that Beth would carry out her threat.

June caught her glance when she aimed her attention back to her lunch. She wasn't hungry; she wasn't for days. Her friend had picked up on it. With her eyes she asked Jordy what was going on, but she gave her a reassuring smile. She didn't want to upset June. If her secret came out, they couldn't do anything about it anyway.

. . .

For a couple of days, nothing happened. Hesitantly Jordy started to hope that Beth's threat would stay nothing but a threat, and that Beth didn't hate her _that much._

However, when she was putting her books in her locker, she noticed someone was standing behind her. Since Emilio had a habit of sneaking behind her to spook her and he had just left class with her, she wasn't immediately alarmed. She was, when a shadow was cast on both sides of her.

Wildly, she looked over her shoulder, recognizing Johnny and Bob. She didn't know the twins all too well, they always gave her the creeps. They were a head taller than she, making her feel trapped immediately. As if somebody gave them a sign, they leaned with one hand against the lockers, closing her in by putting their other arm around her shoulders.

"What the hell?" she snapped. She tried to struggle away from them, but their grasp was too strong.

"I heard you are looking for a new Daddy," Johnny said, widely grinning. "Heard your own Daddy can't get anywhere near you anymore to fuck your tight pussy, but that you miss him a lot."

Jordy froze.

"How did it feel?" Bob whispered. "To sit on Daddy's lap, without clothes? You liked it?"

Johnny started to laugh. "You learned to give a good fuck very young, huh? How old were you? Five? Six? Why don't you come home with us, then you can show us what Daddy taught you."

Jordy's breathing got stuck in her throat. Images flashed through her mind; of rough hands gliding down her tiny body, his whispers that he was proud of her, that she was doing it so well... Her whole body felt heated, as if her organs could give out any moment.

For a moment she was stuck in the memories, of which she never knew if these things _really_ happened or were a product of her nightmares. She shook her head, hearing the heavy breathing of the two boys near her.

Her body however felt powerless, she couldn't find the strength to push them away. Instead, she started to cry.

"Ssh, don't cry," one of them whispered. "You don't have to miss him. We will take care of you. I'm sure my dick is just as big as your Daddy's. You'll love it. Just like you did before."

"Stop," she whispered. "This isn't funny."

Why did nobody help her? Did nobody care?

"I think it is. We could have so much fun." Johnny smirked at her, stroking his tongue across her cheek. "You know you're a little slut. The whole school knows, so don't get shy now. We just give you the chance to relive your deepest and darkest fantasies. With _two_ Daddy's. We will shove our dicks in both of your holes, doesn't that sound hot? Hmm?"

"Leave me alone!"

She wanted to scream, attract someone's attention, but she wasn't sure any sound was passing her lips at all. She felt so small, so helpless, so... violated.

Suddenly Bob was dragged away from her. In a flash, she saw someone slamming his head repeatedly against the lockers, until blood was splattering around.

In shock, Johnny let go of her. He reached to the side but was met by a punch in the face, making him stumble backwards.

"You ever come near her again and I will burn you fuckers alive," a thundering voice sounded. A second later, Bob fell on the ground, grabbing his face, moaning.

She flinched when she felt an arm around her shoulders again. His scent however calmed her down a little. Confused, she turned her face to the side and looked at Emilio's face.

His eyes were smoldering.

"Let's get out of here," he grumbled. "Before I break their fucking necks right here."

He took her bag from the ground and hung it over his shoulder. With his arm still around her, he led her away from the twins.

Her legs were shaking, she was afraid to collapse any moment. As if Emilio sensed she would, his arm glided from her shoulder to her hip so he held her a little tighter.

He didn't say a single word as he took her to the parking lot. Only when they were in front of his car, he looked a bit awkwardly at her.

"You want me uh – you want me to take you home?"

"I dunno," she said in a whisper, biting her lip. "There's nobody at home. Can I..." She took a deep breath, feeling her cheeks flush. "Can I stay a little longer with you?"

He gave her a skittish look, before turning his glance to the car as if he wondered if she would fit in it. Eventually he shrugged his shoulders, avoiding her glance and muttering: "Yeah... yeah that's cool too."

Jordy gave him a small smile. She felt a bit ashamed of her thoughts, but despite what had just happened to her, she felt something flutter in her stomach.

She had never expected to call Emilio sweet, but he had never acted like this. Now, it was harder than ever to forget about him.

* * *

Actually, Emilio had no idea what the hell he was doing when he pulled over the car on the drive-way and waited for Jordy to get out of the vehicle.

He should have dropped her at June's. But she had asked him specifically if she could stay with him... and it did something to him, especially after seeing her so upset. Putting the key in the hole, he prayed his mom was at work so he wouldn't have to listen to her stupid comments. He remembered all too well how she had responded a while back, when Jordy had picked him up for a date.

As cheerful as she had been then, as silent was she now.

Actually, he had never seen her so distressed. He caught himself on hating it; he really wanted to make her feel better but he had no idea how. When Juan was having a hard time, he simply gave him a joint and started some movie. He however had no idea what movies Jordy liked and he didn't want her to feel upset once there would be a sex scene in it.

He'd heard a few things when the twins had harassed her. They had said something about her dad, he believed. Should he ask about it? But what if she started to cry again... he had no idea what he should do then.

A little awkwardly he led her to the living room, stepping over his sister's toys that were scattered across the floor.

"You umm – you want a drink or somethin'?"

"Yeah, okay," she answered quietly.

Worried, he looked at her pale face. Her eyes were numb, missing their usual spark, and the corners of her mouth were hanging down.

Feeling a pit in his stomach, he turned towards the kitchen and filled two glasses with juice; then he waved at the couch and sat down next to her. There was a tense silence, one he hadn't experienced often around her.

Emilio was fidgeting with his nails wondering whether he should ask questions. Her breathing was heavy, her sadness still close to the surface.

"What did you hear?" she asked after a while.

His eyes flashed aside. She was staring into her glass, her shoulders slumped down in defeat.

"Not much," he answered evasively. "Something about your Dad, I think." He hesitated; he had a hunch but he didn't dare to say it out loud. "But I'm not sure."

She sighed softly. "You wanna know?"

Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "You don't have to tell me... Whatever you want. But uh... if you do want to talk about it that's fine." He hesitated. "Although uh... Although I think it's more helpful to talk to June. Or – or Juan."

Or any other person he could think of. Apart from Juan, no one ever came to him when there was something on their mind. He liked it that way – he had no desire in knowing about everyone's bullshit. But with Jordy, things were different.

Whatever had happened to her, he knew for sure it wasn't posturing.

She watched him from the side, but cast her glance down when their eyes met. She took a deep breath; she seemed close to saying something but kept silent in the end. Tears gathered in her eyes.

Fuck. What now?

He tried to imagine what Juan would have done in a situation like this. Hesitantly, he took her hand. He wanted to pull back immediately because the gesture was so unfamiliar to him, but somehow her fingers felt fragile – she felt like a house of cards that would collapse the minute he let go of her.

"I feel ashamed of it," she muttered. "Apart from June, Shawna and Beth, nobody knows about it. Well, and my family. And apparently all the people Beth talked to lately. Which will soon be the whole school, so you're gonna hear about it anyway."

The mentioning of Beth's name made him cramp up. The urge to _really_ hurt her, became stronger every day. "That stupid bitch," he grunted. "She's gonna pay for this."

"It won't help, E," she sighed. "She's fucked in the head. Not a single beat-up or threat's gonna change that. Pretending she doesn't exist might hurt her most. She feels abandoned by her friends, I think that's more painful to her than anything else. If anyone is punishing her for everything she does, it's her own crazy brain."

Silence fell. He stared at their laced fingers. Having a girlfriend... would it feel like this? It felt less suffocating than he thought it would. He peeked aside. Did he want her to become his girl? He liked to hang out with her, more than with other girls, and today he had felt an insane need to protect her. But she was so... different. So not his type.

A little confused he shook off the thought, ashamed things like that crossed his mind while she felt so sad.

"You think talkin' about it is gonna make feel better?" he asked, hesitantly.

"I dunno. Maybe." She seemed willing to give it a chance, for she turned towards him, although she couldn't look him in the eye. "I was abused when I was a child. Sexually. Until I was five." She swallowed. "By my father."

It felt like someone kicked him in the stomach. Even though the thought had already crossed his mind, hearing the words however was much worse. He didn't know what to say; in the end he only let out a rude curse. Five years old. His own sister was only one year older. The thought that his father... It was disgusting, it was incomprehensible.

"Damn it," he said eventually. "Fuck. I just... I just don't know what to say." His voice was slightly shaking. He felt so sorry for her it shocked him. "Where is he now? Your father? He's not still living w..."

"No," she said quickly. "Mom caught him and he was sent to jail for five years. I never saw him again, mom married another guy after four years and my father got a restraining order."

Emilio stared at her. Would she ever want to see that asshole again? He couldn't imagine, but it was hard to picture the situation itself. He decided not to ask her. "You remember it?" he asked carefully. "I mean – are you still sufferin' from it? I mean, when people aren't purposefully reminding you of it?"

"I was really young, I don't remember much. Sometimes there are flashes... and I have nightmares. But I never know if what I see is a real memory or just some... sick creation of my imagination. I still always lock the door when I go to sleep." She stared at her knees again, sighing softly. "I shouldn't have told you. It's... it's disgusting. I'm disgusting." Sobbing, she wiped her eyes. "No wonder that no one can put up with me for more than a month. They probably sense that I... that I..." Sniffling, her voice trailed off.

"That's bullshit, Jor. Your only problem is that you fall in love with assholes like me."

Sniffling, she chuckled quietly.

His lips bent into a smile.

Tears were shining in her eyes and he felt a shiver creep down his spine. He didn't want her to think about that disgusting guy any longer, who should have protected her from violence like that. He leaned into her, feeling a strange tingling in his stomach.

He wanted to kiss her.

It was different from all the times he'd kissed someone at a party, just because he wanted to have fun. That had been an impulse, a victory. This... was different. Laying a hand against her neck, he pressed his lips against hers.

It was a soft... sweet kiss. Completely different from all the other times he'd kissed. Her fingers were trembling when they stroked the side of his face and he scooted closer to her. Slowly, his lips parted. Jordy's tongue found his, and she introduced him to a play that wasn't unpleasant. His hand glided to her hip. He felt the urge to push her down on the couch and to climb on top of her to kiss her neck, but he fought the longing. Somewhere in the back of his mind was a nagging voice, telling him this was a bad idea and that he was giving her hope on something he didn't want.

But did he really not want it?

He imagined how it would be. Walking hand in hand through the school. People would laugh at them, he would surely lose his reputation if they believed _she_ was the best he could get.

Jordy broke the kiss and looked up, confusion in her eyes. "What's wrong?"

Emilio dropped his eyes. He felt ashamed of his thoughts, but he couldn't make them go away.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I just wanted to make you feel better. I don't want... you know. What Juan and June have..." He bit the inside of his cheek; in fact he wasn't so sure he didn't want it.

Maybe he would have wanted it if she took a normal haircut and dyed it in a normal color – and if she wore different make-up and clothes. At the same time, he didn't wanted her to change for him; he wouldn't change for her either.

"I know," she said with a small smile, although he saw the disappointment in her eyes. "I'm not the type of girl who refuses to kiss outside a relationship."

"But you would want a relationship," he muttered. "And I don't."

 _I think._ His feelings were a mess.

"So in the end... I might only hurt you."

She bent her head, sighing softly. 'Yeah... maybe you're right."

"Jor..." He started, doubtful, thinking about her words before he kissed her. "I've never been in love, I never wanted more than a one time fuck with anyone. It's not because of you, okay? And it sure as hell isn't because of what you just told me. Before I knew that... Before that I neither wanted a relationship." He closed his eyes for a moment, suppressing a deep sigh. He hated his rambling, his doubts, how much he didn't feel like himself right now. He didn't like it for a bit, this degree of vulnerability and he felt the urge to hide behind his blunt comments again if it wasn't for the image of her teary eyes that kept haunting him. "Sorry," he said quietly. "I – I think it's better if you leave. I'm a lousy friend. Maybe I'm not even a friend. I – I don't even know what I am."

Jordy looked up, grabbing his hand. "You're not a lousy friend, Emilio. I don't know what might have happened if you hadn't been there to save me. You have been surprisingly sweet and I know your current behavior is overwhelming you too. I don't know – I always had this feeling you have two faces and that there are only a few people you dare to show one of these faces to. Or maybe you don't dare to show it to anyone."

Her words hit a nerve and he felt a nasty sting in his stomach. He yanked away his hand from hers. "That's enough bullshit," he heard himself say. "I was just tryin' to be nice, that's all. Don't try to turn me inside out."

He looked away when she tried to catch his glance and got up.

"This was stupid, okay? Just – just go to June. To Shawna. I don't know what you were expecting from me but this – this is just fucked up."

He walked to the hallway, waving impatiently at the front door. At first she didn't say anything, but when she passed him she laid a hand against his chest and kissed is cheek. "Thanks anyway, Emilio." She gave him a small smile. "You don't have to feel ashamed of your soft side. Really cool people dare to accept every side of themselves."

She went through the door, closing it behind her. Emilio felt dead tired all of a sudden and he leaned against the wall.

His mind was a battlefield.


	84. (Un)Grateful

**THE PAST**

Juan leaned back in the pillows they had put against the wall while they were watching an episode of South Park on Emilio's bed.

His thoughts weren't in it. His mom would come home within an hour and he planned to tell her that he wanted to live with Mateo, who would receive the key of his new apartment within a few days. Mateo didn't deem it necessary that he told his mom at all, telling him she would find out when he didn't come home anymore. June however insisted on telling her.

Things were still not how they used to be between them, even though the whole thing with Erik was a couple of weeks ago. Their intimacy didn't go much further than kissing and although he found it hard, he didn't want to insist. She needed time to forgive him and no matter how much time June would need, he would give it to her. That was also the reason he was listening to her advice instead of Mateo's; he was still afraid to lose June and he wanted to avoid another fight.

Actually she had wanted to come with him, but he hadn't wanted her to. This was something he needed to do himself. Without his brother and without June. He knew his mother well enough to know that she would use June's presence to make a point. She would probably accuse him again of doing abominating things with his brother and even though he knew June wouldn't believe her, these were words he never wanted to hear again – and he certainly didn't want June to hear them. He believed the conversation would have the best outcome if he talked to her alone. Furthermore he believed he could do this. He _wanted_ to be able to do this – without the help of anyone else.

That however didn't take away his nervousness. His eyes slid aside, to Emilio's face. The boy was staring at the tv, although he didn't seem to see much more than Juan did. Usually he sensed that Juan was dreading something, but today he seemed to be a bit off too.

He nudged his friend's shoulder to drag him out of his thoughts, giving him a questioning look. "Where's your head at?"

Emilio glanced briefly at him, seemed to hesitate and ultimately turned his face away. Juan sat up straight. It didn't happen a lot that Emilio was bothered by something.

His friend heaved a deep sigh when Juan kept looking expectantly at him. "I kissed Jordy. A few days ago."

Juan raised his eyebrows, not knowing why that would still occupy his mind. It was something that had been coming for weeks.

"Okay..." he said at last. "And she said you sucked at it?"

Emilio's eyes flashed to his. "She told you that?"

He chuckled. "No man. I knew nothing about this. I guess June wanted you to be the one to tell me." He studied Emilio's face. "When did it happen?"

"You know what they tell about her, right? About her dad?"

Juan's mood darkened. It had been impossible to miss. He had never seen June as pissed as she was that day – not even when she learnt the truth about Erik. Beth spilling Jordy's secret had been unforgivable in her eyes. Emilio had stood up against Beth in the middle of the lunchroom, snapping at her that she shouldn't walk in her dead sister's footsteps by spreading lies because someone refused to be friends with a cunt like her.

Juan couldn't say he had been surprised by Emilio's outburst – he knew very well how fierce the boy could be when someone hurt his friends, and even though the relationship between Jordy and him was a little confusing now and then, he knew Emilio cared about her. That Emilio had been able to show it too, had been a positive development, he thought.

"Well.. The day before the whole school knew about her secret... Johnny and Bob were botherin' her. They'd trapped her against the lockers, telling all kinds of shit about her dad. It was fuckin' insane. I pulled them away from her, but their words had broken her..." Emilio bent his head, staring at the bedding. "I took her to my car, asked her if she wanted me to bring her home. She asked me if she could stay with me a little longer and I couldn't find the heart to tell her no... so I took her to my place. There she told me what had happened to her when she was a child." Emilio's jaw tensed. "I'm not sure what happened. She was afraid that boys were disgusted by her because she was abused and I... I told her it was not true, that she just had an awful taste for men... And then I kissed her."

Juan didn't respond immediately. It probably hadn't ended well, otherwise he would have heard this story that same night. There had been a tension between Jordy and Emilio the past days, but that was nothing new; it happened every few days.

"And then?" he insisted when Emilio kept silent.

Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "I was confused and I sent her away. She wasn't mad or somethin', but..." He sighed. "I just keep thinkin' about it." He leaned back and stared at the ceiling. "How did you know? That you were in love with June?"

"She was all I could think about," he answered. "I dunno. I just fell really fast and really hard for her," he continued with a grin.

"Well... I don't have that," he answered. "That I can't stop thinkin' about her. Half of time she's drivin' me crazy. But when I kissed her, I felt..." He closed his eyes, letting out a sarcastic laugh. "Fuck man. Listen to me, I sound like a bitch."

Juan said nothing. He knew this was new for his friend and that he hated to think about his feelings.

"I think that the fact that it's still bothering you is sayin' enough," he said eventually. "And that you like her more than you dare to admit to yourself because she ain't lookin' like a cheerleader."

"There's more," Emilio muttered. "I don't know if I want a girlfriend anyway. It causes so much shit."

"It's worth the trouble," Juan said. "June has been an amazing support. In a different way than Mateo and you. It's – it's hard to explain."

"I know what you mean," Emilio muttered to his surprise. "I see it when you two are together. But I can't imagine Jordy and me bein' like that."

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "You don't have to be like us. You are both different from us, so your relationship will be different too. And if things don't turn out like you hoped... you've at least tried it."

"But she's so..." Emilio heaved a deep sigh. "Different."

"You feel ashamed of her," Juan concluded. "But not for being her friend?"

"Being friends with her ain't the same as showin' the whole fucking school that I feel attracted to a girl like _that._ "

Juan gave him a slight smirk. "So you do feel attracted to her. And not in a sexual way... So your feelings are anything but shallow."

Emilio pulled a face, then he got up from his bed. "Enough girl talk," he grunted. "I desperately need a smoke."

* * *

Juan closed the door quietly behind him and entered the living room. His mother was seated on the couch, the tv screen lighting up her face. Nervously he hooked his thumbs in his pockets, not knowing what else to do with his hands. She usually didn't appreciate being disturbed while watching tv. Her working hours were too irregular to keep up with tv shows, but once she was at home she gave it a shot anyway.

"Hey," he said softly.

His mother didn't even bother to look up.

Juan swallowed. He wasn't sure she heard his voice, but he was convinced she must have heard him come in. His throat tightened, it felt like all oxygen was drained from the room. Quickly he walked to his bedroom. Quietly he sat down on his bed. No matter how many times it had happened before, he could never get used to being ignored by his own mother. Pulling up his knees, he wrapped his arms around his legs, wishing June had been with him. He longed for her warm embrace, for her love that felt so undeserved.

For almost an hour he kept sitting like that, then he got up sighing, his aching muscles being proof of how cramped up he had been. The moment his feet landed on the floor the anxiety to be turned down returned.

"It will probably be the last time," he whispered to himself, trying to find courage. "Soon you won't be confronted with her disinterest anymore."

He took a few deep breaths, reminding himself as to why he hadn't wanted Mateo or June to join him, and then he opened the door.

For a moment he kept tarrying next to the couch, hoping she would look up. When she didn't, he cleared his throat.

"Can I umm – can I talk to you about something?"

The words left his mouth uneasily. He couldn't remember he had ever asked her that question before.

Finally she snapped her head aside, her eyes eyebrows reaching for the ceiling. "Don't you dare to tell me you knocked that girl up, Juan Carlos."

"W-what?" Juan stammered stunned. "No – no we haven't even slept together."

His mother huffed. "Smart girl."

There was a glance of aversion in her eyes, as if he was a horrible person for longing for an intimacy like that. As if he wasn't worth to be loved like that. His breathing fell heavier, but he fought off his mother's contempt.

"I wanna go with Mateo," he blurted out. So – that was it.

The contemptuous features of her face sharpened. "Don't be an idiot. You really want the whole world to know what an ungrateful brat you are? Everyone knows I'm working my ass off to keep you alive, what do you think people will say if that's turning out to be not good enough for you?"

Her words made him flinch. _But they're not true,_ he told himself. _Mateo pays half of the rent. He buys food._

"I'm not ungrateful," he said softly. "But Mateo told me there's a room for me too."

"And what do you think he wants in return?" his mother huffed.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing. I just... I just think he doesn't like to be alone."

"With all those little whores of him he won't spend a lot of time alone. Give him a few days and his house will look like a brothel. What do you think your girlfriend will think of that, hmm?"

Again he shrugged. He didn't want to tell her that June encouraged him to live with his brother because it gave him peace of mind. He felt insecure and scorned now, but he knew he would lose his temper if she said one hurtful thing about June.

His mother studied his face for a while, sighing deeply. Her expression became a little friendlier. "Why are you so keen on leaving, Juan Carlos? I know why you brother wants to take you away. It has always been his mission to tear us apart."

Juan sat down on the armrest of the couch. There was still a tension between them, but it was a different one than before. He had the feeling they were closer to a normal conversation than ever.

"Why do you want me to stay?" he asked. "You've told me many times you wished I was never born." His throat felt soar, tears were stinging in his eyes. Nevertheless, he pulled through. "I'm sixteen. And in all these years you never took the effort to have a talk with me. I know you hate me, and I know you hate Mateo, so why won't I leave? It's not like the neighbors believe that we're the perfect family; they all know the police and ambulance were at our door a while back."

"That's Mateo's fault, not yours."

"It's _your fault!_ " he spat. "You said all those horrible things about us!"

"I'm only trying to protect you, Juan Carlos." She looked at him, exhausted. "His influence on you is toxic. You are so desperate for a little bit of attention that you're blind to his rotten soul and to the fact that he turns you into a copy of himself more and more."

"Well if you gave me a little bit of attention I never would have turned to my brother! It has always been Mateo who was there for me, who gave me advice, who comforted me, who protected me! He's more like a father than you're a mother and that is _not_ his fault! If you hate children so much you should have used a fucking condom!"

She squeezed her eyes, an anger churning inside them that caused a shiver to run down his spine. "You have no idea what you're talking about, boy." Her voice sounded shaky. "You have _no idea._ "

Her nostrils flared as she exhaled furiously. Another shiver rolled down his back. He had seen this before, every time she'd lashed out at his brother.

"Sorry," he whispered, something Mateo had never said to her, hoping it would calm her down.

Before he could provoke a real fight, he slipped off the couch and disappeared in his room. There he grabbed his stuff for the night. He didn't want to sleep here any longer, he would stay a few days with June until he could move. It felt like he had just given his mother a last chance to be actually a mother – and she clearly had no interest in it.

At least in being _his_ mother.

Without saying anything he crossed the room five minutes later. In the hallway he grabbed his helmet of the hook, then he headed out, climbed his bike and drove to June's house.

His whole body was shaking when June let him in, giving him a comforting hug. There was no need for words, she sensed very well how the talk had been. Softly, her lips touched his, the look in her eyes worried.

"I'm okay," he whispered. "But I don't want to sleep under the same roof anymore."

Taking his hand, she led him to the living room. There he was greeted by Hannah, who offered him a sympathetic smile. June had probably told her what he had wanted to do tonight. He walked over to her, kissing her cheek. Her hand stroked his hair.

"Was it a difficult talk?" she asked softly.

As hard as it was to talk to his own mother, talking to Hannah always felt natural.

"She wasn't very understanding," he muttered. "She can't see why I want to live with my brother. Which doesn't surprise me, but still..." He bent his head. Deep inside, there had been this tiny hope that his mother would tell him that she loved him.

Hannah's fingers caressed his cheek. "Your mother sounds like a complicated woman, Juan. Someone who has issues with herself and takes it out on her children. I know how hard it must be, but try not to take it personal. You're a sweet boy, very helpful and I'm proud to call you my son in law. My daughter is lucky to have you."

June squeezed his hand, telling him she agreed with these words. His lips curled into a small smile.

Hannah's warm eyes held his glance. "I love you, dear Juan. I love you just as much as I love my own children."

Juan felt his chest glow, just like his cheeks. "I love you too, ma'me," he whispered. The knowledge that she wouldn't live long, tore out his heart. Sensing his pain like she always did, June wrapped her arm around his waist and held him tight.

"I am grateful for all the love and happiness you offer my daughter," Hannah continued. "Even if things don't always go smoothly. Soon it will be Thanksgiving, I would like to ask you to celebrate it with us."

"Oh..." Juan felt a blush creep to his cheeks. They never celebrated it at home, usually he went to Emilio's. "I would like that," he said quietly. For as much as he liked Emilio's family and as hard as they were trying to make him feel wanted, he knew he was only invited because they didn't celebrate it at home. But this... this was different. For June's family was also his family.

Hannah smiled at him. "And I would also like you to invite your brother. I would love to meet him."

These were words he hadn't seen coming. He doubted it was something Mateo wanted. He glanced over his shoulder, studying June's face. The look in her eyes told him she was also a little overwhelmed by her mother's request. Nevertheless she softly pressed her lips to his cheek.

"Ask him," she said in a soft tone. "I know how important he is to you and although he might never admit it, I believe nobody likes to be alone at Thanksgiving."

Juan turned around, pulling June close. His own family situation might be shitty, but God, he was so grateful for having June and her family.


	85. Thanksgiving

With an affectionate smile Mateo watched his brother lying stretched out on the new couch, half of his face sunk in a cushion. His mouth was slightly open, giving way to soft snoring sounds. Something he'd never dared to do in their mother's house, afraid to get lectured.

Taking Juan away from a home where he couldn't even lie on the couch when he was exhausted, had been his priority for a long time. But he was young, he hadn't been sure if he would really manage to do it and he had also been afraid that Juan didn't want to move in with his brother. He had always been sensitive to what other people thought of him and his family, even when he pretended not to care.

Nevertheless, he had succeeded. He had been able to rent a spacious apartment and Juan had wanted nothing more than going with him. It did him good, knowing their bond was so strong Juan took any shame for granted.

It had been some busy days. Lorraine had bought the building they had visited a few weeks ago and they were in the middle of executing their plans. Apart from that, he had also worked on the house. Although he had more time at his disposal than his little brother, Juan didn't want him to do a lot without him. It was _their_ house, he wanted to fix up the place together. After all, he would live here for at least two years. Emilio, Riley and June had came over to paint the walls, which had sped the process up and right now everything was almost finished.

Nevertheless the days had been long, which caused Juan some stress. Mateo believed his brother pulled through very well. The conversation he had with ma hadn't been easy, but Mateo was proud of him daring to face her. He himself hadn't said a single word to her — he wouldn't know what to say anyway.

The oven beeped, waking Juan up. Sitting up straight, he rubbed his eyes.

"And... The couch's lyin' well?" Mateo asked, smirking.

A pink tinge spread across Juan's cheeks. "Sorry," he muttered. "I should have set the table while you were cooking."

Mateo shrugged his shoulders. "Had to wait until the food was ready anyway. Don't wanna hear you say sorry in this house, kid." He pulled a face. "I'm not ma."

Juan chuckled, jumped on his feet and looked more energetic instantly. Mateo headed to the oven to take out the baking dish while Juan pulled back a chair and flopped down.

Dinner was more relaxing than it used to be. They used to have dinner with the two of them a lot of times, but there had always been some restraint because they didn't know if ma'd show up, ruining their moods. The times that Juan had to eat all alone were over as well; now he no longer had to deliver pizzas he could schedule his working hours himself. Finally, his brother seemed to have some stability in his life, and the look in his eyes told Mateo that it was quieter in his head too.

"Next week it's Thanksgiving, huh?" Juan started, right before he shoved a bite of lasagne in his mouth.

"Uh-uh." The corner of Mateo's mouth curled up. "Your first celebration with your future family in law." He winked.

Juan smiled and nodded. "Hannah asked me to invite you too."

It took a few seconds before Mateo understood he was talking about June's mother. Lowering his fork, he frowned his eyebrows. "What?"

"She wants to meet you."

Mateo huffed. He was happy for his little brother that he got along well with June's ma, but he didn't have some hole in his heart that needed to be filled. He didn't like parents — and they didn't like him either.

"Why?" he asked gruff.

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "She knows how much you mean to me." Hopefully, he looked up to Mateo. "I can't even remember the last time I celebrated Thanksgiving with you. It would mean a lot to me if you'd come."

Mateo sighed.

He absolutely didn't want to go — but he didn't have the heart to tell him no.

* * *

Mateo took a deep breath before leaving the car. Damn it. He was even nervous. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been nervous. This was so important to Juan — he didn't want to fuck it up by not knowing how to deal with parents or little kids. Subtly, he wiped his clammy palms to the best jeans he had, then he opened the car door. Juan was already waiting on the sidewalk, a wide smile on his face. Luckily he didn't pick up on his brother's nervousness. He couldn't simply leave when things felt awkward; he didn't want to embarrass Juan. He already had a mom he felt ashamed of, he didn't want him to feel ashamed of his brother too.

He got out. He was craving for a smoke, yet he walked over to his little brother, forced a smile around his lips and slapped the younger boy on the shoulder.

Juan led him to the garden path, crossed the small front yard and put the key in the lock. Mateo saw their reflection in the glass of the door. Although they weren't wearing anything too fancy, they wore one of their newest jeans and a button-down. The last time they'd looked like this, they'd been at the Jubilee Prom.

Mateo followed Juan into the hallway, then they entered the living room. Only a few seconds passed before Juan and June clung to each other. Awkwardly he looked around. From a worn couch, two red haired girls watched him with eyes wide. Damn — they were even younger than he thought they would be. What the hell was he supposed to say to them? His eyes darted across the room and rested upon the bed.

June's mom looked fragile. She was thin, frail. She was sitting, a blanket covering her legs and her slender upper body was leaning into a pile of pillows. The look in her eyes however was inviting, her smile warm. She moved her glance from him to his little brother when Juan walked over to her and kissed her cheek. Hannah's hand glided across Juan's face while she softly spoke to him.

He tore his glance away from the two when he saw a movement in his periphery. It was June.

"Hey," she said softly — a little uncomfortable now he stood in the middle of her house.

"Hey girl," he answered, pulling himself together again. "Happy Thanksgiving." He kissed her cheek.

"You too. I'm happy you want to celebrate it with us. It means a lot to him."

He nodded.

Juan turned towards him, beckoning him to come closer. Hesitantly, he headed towards the bed.

"Hello Mateo." Hannah's voice sounded stronger than expected and for some reason it filled him with relief. "I'm so happy to finally meet you. Juan talked about you a lot."

His eyes wandered to Juan, who was beaming and smiling from ear to ear. He wondered what she _really_ thought of him. After all, he had been in prison for six weeks.

"Thanks for the invite," he said, still feeling awkward. "Ma'me."

"You can call me Hannah." She took his hand, giving it a squeeze. Her fingers felt cold. She sat up a little straighter. "Ladies?" she told her daughters. "Did you introduce yourselves to Juan's brother?"

The twins shook their heads at the same time. With a mixture of curiousness and shyness they looked at him.

"They don't have to," he muttered. "Kids never like me anyway."

"Don't be foolish. They were very excited to meet you. They are just a little shy now." She winked at him. "But as it seems, they are not the only ones."

Mateo felt his cheeks flush. No one had ever told him he was shy. He turned away from the bed, watching the two girls come closer and shake his hand.

"I'm May," the first said.

"And I'm April." Out of the two, she seemed to have the most bravado for she studied his face with a curious glint in her eyes. "You really look a lot like Juan! It's almost like you're twins too! How old are you? We are ten!"

"Nineteen," he answered.

"That almost double our age, right?" she chatted on. "Then you're old enough to marry! Are you going to marry soon?"

"No umm — I don't have a girlfriend."

"Why not?"

He scratched his neck. Right. He couldn't exactly tell her he didn't like the thought of having sex with only one person. "I haven't found the right person yet."

"What kind of person is that?"

Damn it. A grunted curse slipped his lips. Would she go on with this the whole night?

Luckily, the doorbell rang. Both girls rushed to the front door, forgetting about him instantly. It was a relief.

"Jordy's coming too," he heard June say to Juan. "Her parents lacked the time to go home."

Right after these words, the blue haired girl entered the living room. She greeted both Juan and June with a hug, and the same happened to June's mother. That she almost crushed the woman underneath her weight, didn't seem to bother her.

Her lips curled up when she turned towards him. "You want me to introduce myself properly to you or can I just fling my arms around you."

Mateo had seen her before; at Jubilee Prom she had been the one dragging him outside after June had been groped. She just had an appearance that was hard to forget.

"Whatever you want sweetheart," he winked.

"Well, you don't have to say that twice." She winked back. In two steps she stood before him, wrapping her arms around him.

The contrast with June couldn't be bigger. The only time he'd held her in his arms, was when Erik was carried to an ambulance. Jordy linked her arm happily with his.

"I'm glad you're here! June refuses to touch a turkey and preparing it is much more fun when you're not alone!"

Mateo let her drag him to the kitchen. The atmosphere in the house seemed to have changed now Jordy was here — and it wasn't a negative energy. Now he knew her parents had let her down more or less, he admired her for her positivity. Jordy shoved onions, ribbed celery and an apple towards him to shred while she put meat in a frying pan and started to remove the skin of the sausages.

From the corner of his eye he saw how June took a pie from the fridge, putting it on the table so the twins could decorate it. There after, she returned to the kitchen with Juan where the two started to make salad.

"What kind of work do you do now?" Jordy asked him. "You used to work at a pizza place, right?"

"Yeah. Me and my friend are in the middle of opening a nightclub, in a former cafe." He watched her face, curious to how she would respond.

"Oh, that's awesome! Sounds like a lot of work tho. And what kind of nightclub? I bet with strippers and poles, huh?" She wiggled her eyebrows.

He chuckled. He liked her. "Something like that, yeah."

"Well if you ever decide to do a smurf themed night; I had a couple of pole dance lessons. And I did a lapdance course."

Her self-mockery made him smirk. He kinda liked her confidence. She was different than most girls he knew and he was actually curious to how she would surprise him if he took her to his room tonight.

"Well, I'd like to get a taste of your skills," he said with a flirty wink.

"I..." Jordy interrupted herself when one of June's sisters showed up next to them and started to tell Jordy a tale about an escaped bunny they'd found in the garden a few days ago. Her eyes kept holding his glance a little longer. There was a mischievous look in them, one that made this Thanksgiving a lot more interesting than he'd expected it to be.

* * *

After preparing the food, the twins practically pushed them towards the table to play a game.

"Look. I made this for you." The shyest of the girls handed him a piece of paper. "And I also made one for Jordy." She shoved the other paper to her sister's friend. He saw that the other twin handed papers to Juan and June.

Awkwardly, he took the gift. It was a drawing of himself; a chef's hat on his head and a frying pan in his hand. She was quite skilled for a ten year old. _For Matteo,_ was written above it. _From May._

"That's... cool," he mumbled, his voice sounding weaker than he wanted. The last one making a drawing for him must have been Juan, when he was the twins' age.

"You like it?" She'd folded her hands, looking up to him with hopeful eyes.

"Yeah... It's really pretty."

Looking for help, his eyes shot to Juan when the girl kept staring at him.

A grin crossed Juan's face. "We're gonna hang 'em on the fridge at home, May. The drawings are beautiful."

The girl beamed with pride and sat down at the chair again. Juan piled the drawings up, laying them down on a cabinet that was put against the wall. Mateo noticed a few bottles of pills on it.

Juan had told him that June's mother had a disease by which more and more parts of her body were shutting down. There was no cure, only medicines to slow down the process. Expensive medicines. Pensively, he stared at the bottles. He could find a cheaper way to get those medicines. He felt so much warmth in this house, so much love that had never been there in their own home... It didn't happen a lot that he felt sympathy for others, but the thought that this house might be silent next year because Hannah had passed away, squeezed his heart.

Something told him the fragile woman was looking at him. His eyes darted aside. She indeed was smiling sadly at him, as if she could hear his thoughts. He felt a lump in his throat. Would she want it? If he would find a way to extend her life so she could stay a little longer with those people who obviously loved her very much, would she let him? He decided to ask her. Not now — but at a moment the children weren't around. He knew how much this woman meant to his brother, not to mention to June... If he could buy time for them to create more good memories, he would give it to them.

. . .

It was a nice evening, full of happiness. So different from all the tense celebrations he remembered, in the time his mother was still trying to be an actual mother. Despite the sadness that was continuously in the background, this family — and everyone who was connected to it — found solace in each other and Mateo had to admit he didn't even feel like an intruder. Seeing how free Juan felt around here and how much these people loved him, was something Mateo had wanted to give him for such a long time, but he had been unable to give it to him all by himself.

Later that night, when the twins had gone to bed, the four of them were sitting around a fire pit in the garden. It was a little cold, but the warmth of the fire was nice and they all knew Hannah needed some rest.

Juan and June were sitting close to each other, their fingers laced, her head against his shoulder. Juan's thumb slowly stroked that of his girlfriend while he dipped his head now and then to kiss her temple.

"Aren't they adorable?" Jordy whispered. Her smile was a bit dreamy while she watched the couple.

"I honestly get sick of it sometimes," he muttered, showing her a crooked smile.

She chuckled. "Secretly, you're just a little jealous."

Mateo drank from his glass. Maybe. Sometimes. But nobody needed to know that. He doubted anyone existed who was as good as a fit for him as June was to his little brother.

"You got a boyfriend?" he wondered.

Slowly, she shook her head. Her eyes were aimed at the fire.

"But you do have a crush on someone," he concluded.

"Yeah," she said. "It's complicated."

Mateo kept silent. To be honest he didn't give a shit about her love life and he wasn't going to pretend like he did.

"It's Emilio she's in love with," his brother told him from the other side of the fire.

Mateo looked up to him, surprised. "You serious?"

"Uh-huh. He has feelings for her too. But he's scared it's gonna ruin his reputation."

"His reputation?" Mateo huffed. "Kid barely has a reputation." He thought he'd taught the boy better. Leaning back in his chair, he turned his gaze back to Jordy. "Tell 'm you slept with me. I'm sure you're cool enough for him then."

Jordy chuckled. "He's never going to believe that. His great example Mateo who fucks a skinny smurf like me."

"That how he calls you? A smurf?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Among other things."

He raised his eyebrows. "And you still like him?"

She shrugged once more. "He has a big mouth, but I know his heart is in the right place. I've seen his vulnerable side."

Mateo had seen that too — and he knew not many had. If Emilio had shown his vulnerability to Jordy too, it was at least remarkable.

"I mean it. Tell him we slept together. I'm sure it will help."

She looked him in the eye, pensively biting the inside of her cheek. "He won't believe it."

"Why not? I'm not shortsighted like him. I think you're a nice girl, I'd take you home."

A blush spread across her cheeks. Mateo couldn't hold back and stroked his fingers across her forearm. "Just imagine Emilio's face when he's hanging out with Juan tomorrow morning and he'll see you leaving my room..." She turned her arm, catching his fingers with hers. He leaned into her and whispered: "Even before I knew about Emilio, I fantasized about spending the night with you."

Chuckling, she shook her head. "You're such a slick."

He smirked. "What? This is a win-win. I'm a practical man. And I'm sure the look on Emilio's face will be memorable."

"I guess you're right," she laughed. "And Beth's going to hate me even more if she finds out." She curled her fingers, lacing them with his. Leaning closer to him, she whispered: "Actually that's reason enough for me for wanting to feel that hot body of yours against mine."

Her tone was already messing with his head. "We got a deal?" he whispered, his lips slightly touching her auricle.

She shivered. "We got a deal."

* * *

 **In case anyone's interested... I'm writing a spin-off about Mateo that is set in jail. He's 29 there, older than he's going to be in this story, so it won't have much ties to Last Kiss Goodbye, although Juan will still be his little brother. June will only be mentioned briefly, I think. Anyway, the story's called 'Monsters Behind Bars' and can be found on Wattpad (my username is Venomis). Since it's an original work, I can only post it there. (** :


	86. Role Models

"Are you sure you want to do this?" June asked her friend quietly as they entered the apartment of the two brothers.

"Diving into bed with that hot guy? Absolutely," she smirked.

June couldn't shake off the unrest she was feeling. She knew her friend wasn't as careful as she was, but she still wanted to protect her from more pain. What if she would fall in love with Mateo now, instead of Emilio? That was just as hopeless. Maybe Mateo would be more clear about what he wanted — or especially about what he didn't want — but she still might get hurt. June couldn't imagine such an intimate act wouldn't create a bond, and that they would still be able to see each other in they way they did now.

"Don't worry Junie," Jordy winked. "I can handle him."

Excitedly she walked further into the room. With a gnawing feeling in her stomach June followed her. It sounded like madness; that her friend would sleep with Mateo to make Emilio jealous. Jordy believed it was an amazing idea, June however was much more skeptical. She however didn't know what else to say. It was Jordy's choice, and she couldn't do much but accept it and hope that Jordy wouldn't regret it too much. Even if this was some magical eyeopener to Emilio, she couldn't imagine this was a good base for a relationship, and she couldn't shake off the feeling that Mateo was taking advantage of the situation, even when they were both honest about their intentions.

 _Let it go,_ she told herself when she wished the others a goodnight and headed to Juan's room. He followed not much later.

"I asked E to hang out tomorrow morning," Juan smirked, closing the door behind him. "Can't wait to see his face."

June couldn't care less about his face. "As long as we won't hear them," she muttered. She couldn't think of anything more distasteful.

"I'll put on some music." Juan crossed the room, opened the cd player and a second later Motörhead blasted out of the speakers.

June took her nightie from her bag, freshened up in the bathroom and slid under the blankets. The bed was twice as large as Juan's former bed, although she still had to get used to the mattress. She had slept here only one time before.

Juan crawled next to her in bed and turned his face towards her. Softly, his lips touched hers and he smiled at her. She laid a hand against his chest, across his heart.

What was going on in his head? Did he hate the fact that his brother would get from Jordy what he wanted from her for so long? June was still in the middle of forgiving him for what he had done to Erik. They hadn't gone further than kissing the past weeks, but Juan never pushed for more and she was glad about it. He gave her the space she needed, even though she knew he missed the intimacy. She missed it too, but things were still a little strained between them .

Snuggling up to him, she looked into his eyes. "I love you," she told him — for she never doubted her feelings for him.

He smiled, planting a kiss on her nose. "Love you too."

* * *

It had been a night she would always remember. It felt like Mateo had needed only one kiss to know what fantasies she secretly had, and he had made them come true in a way that still made her breathing falter.

She woke up by his fingers stroking her hair, a tender gesture she had never expected from him. Actually, she always thought he would barely look at the girls he slept with next morning. Or were things different now because she was June's friend?

"E's already inside," he said with a wink. He leaned towards her, pecked her lips and got up to clothe himself.

Jordy sat up straight too and took some time to watch his body before it disappeared underneath his clothes. If Juan was a little like his brother, June never needed to complain about her sex life. She put on her clothes too, and she was still putting her striped stockings on when Mateo left the room.

"Mornin' E," Mateo's nonchalant voice sounded. "You had a good Thanksgivin'?"

Jordy bit back a smirk and left the bedroom.

"Morning," she said to no one in particular, without aiming her eyes directly at Emilio. Once she did, she feigned surprise. "Hey. Didn't expect to see you here."

Emilio's eyes almost popped out of their sockets. "You didn't expect _me_ here? What the hell are _you_ doin' here?"

"Jordy was my company for the night." Mateo winked at the younger boy, moved closer to him and whispered something Jordy couldn't hear.

Emilio's eyes grew even wider while he stared at her, and she even thought to see him blush. Quietly chuckling she headed to the kitchen, where June was preparing breakfast.

She greeted her with a short nod. The look in her eyes was still concerned, maybe even a bit disappointed. Jordy wondered what was _really_ going on in her head. Did she believe it was a desperate act to use Mateo — or to let him use her — to attract Emilio's attention? Well, maybe it was. But she thought Mateo was hot, and if there had been anyone to whose skills between the sheets she'd been curious, it was him. And he hadn't disappointed her — not at all.

"Did you sleep well?" Jordy asked. "Or did we keep you awake?" She couldn't hold back a teasing grin. There were already too many things June worried about, this shouldn't be an addition to that list.

"Juan put on some music," June muttered.

"I thought you might have made your own music." She wiggled her eyebrows.

June dropped her eyes, her cheeks turning red.

"Not yet," she said almost inaudible.

Jordy nodded slowly, she didn't want to rush her friend. She shouldn't do anything she wasn't absolutely sure of. June had told her she and Juan had been in a serious fight, a few weeks ago. She hadn't been willing to share any details, and Jordy hadn't insisted. She knew it had something to do with Erik, so that might be the reason she hadn't said too much about it.

"So... Where can I find bread?" Jordy asked, changing the subject.

June opened a cupboard and pointed to the top shelf. Jordy took out the basket, buttered the bread and took the strawberry jam from the shelf, then she sat down with the guys at the dinner table.

The weather was good today, so they decided to go to the park. Mateo decided to stay at home, he had to make some arrangements for the company he was starting. The boys had taken a ball with them which they were kicking towards each other now while June and she were sitting in the grass. She wouldn't mind to join the guys, but she knew June hated ball sports and she didn't want to leave her on her own. Furthermore it was entertaining to see how the two were showing off their skills, and every time Emilio's eyes shot to hers when he did some trick, her stomach tickled. Would one night with Mateo really have changed his opinion about her? It sounded so far-fetched, but at the same time she knew that Mateo was his role model. If the guy told him to jump in the river, he would do it without hesitating.

"Yesterday was nice, hmm," she said to June. "You found it hard to introduce Mateo to your family?"

June had pulled up her legs and wrapped her arms around her knees while she watched the boys, although she turned her face aside now.

"I was nervous. I'm not sure why; I didn't think he would cause trouble or something. But I haven't seen him around other people a lot and I thought he might scare my sisters." A smile crossed her lips. "But I guess he's more of a family man than I always thought."

"And than he probably thought," Jordy chuckled.

The two boys flopped down next to them, pulling the bag close in which they'd put some soda cans. Almost synchronously, they moved the cans to their mouths.

"What about you, lazybones," Emilio said. "You're gettin' some exercise today or will you sit on that lazy ass all day?"

"I've had my exercise tonight," she answered, moving her eyebrows up and down. "And I have a judo match by the end of the day."

"Judo," Emilio huffed. "With that skinny body of yours?"

"You think you'll stand a chance against this skinny body of mine?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I would be afraid to break you in two."

She laughed, it sounded mocking. "Sounds like the lame excuse of a boy who's afraid to lose to a girl."

"I'm not," he huffed.

She got up. "Show me. Try to get me down on the ground."

His eyes shot to Juan, as if his friend needed to give him permission first.

"Go ahead," his friend smirked. "Give us a good show."

Emilio muttered something she couldn't hear, then he got up. Taking a few steps away from the others, they turned to face each other. The expression on Emilio's face told her he had no idea what to do. When she tried to grab him, he didn't do much more than slapping her hands away.

"This is not boxing," she laughed. "Stop slapping me."

He seemed a little stunned, and she quickly grabbed his shoulders and tackled him. Before he could blink his eyes, he was on his back on the ground.

"We had barely started!" he objected.

She held out a hand to help him on his feet, but he ignored her and got up himself. Once again they positioned themselves across from each other. This time he grabbed her shoulders too and tried to push her over. She looked in his eyes, which told her he still had no idea what he was doing. She tried to hook her foot around his again, but this time he responded on her move and stepped aside, trying to disturb her balance.

Laughing, she turned aside, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to force his head closer. With a hip swing she got him back on the ground, while she ended up on top of him to hold him there.

"And? You admit that I'm better than you thought I'd be?"

He pulled a face; suddenly there was a sly smirk on his lips. Clutching an arm around her, he rolled her over so she was the one at the bottom.

"Maybe I just wanted to end it like this," he answered.

"Yeah? You like to be on top? I can tell you that I —"

She couldn't finish her sentence; suddenly his lips were upon hers. She was so blindsided she didn't respond immediately, but once her own tongue glided across his bottom lip, her own tongue came to life too and she kissed him back. Her hand glided to the back of his head, afraid that he only wanted to tease her and would stop soon, her other hand was still on his back.

But he didn't pull back his face; he deepened the kiss and his fingers even stroked her jaw in a way causing goosebumps. She felt all wet inside — it was hard to believe that Emilio Sanchez was really kissing her in the middle of the park.

As if he had heard that thought, he let go of her lips. Instead of pushing her away, he moved them to her ear and whispered: "You've never been this quiet."

Before she could answer, he pressed his lips on hers again. Teasingly she tugged his bottom lip with her teeth, then she tightened her grasp around him and rolled him over so she was on top again. She didn't continue the kiss; instead her face floated above his while she stared him in the eye.

He looked back in a way that was new to her. Not in a judging or mocking way; he actually looked sweet.

"I'm going to regret this so much," she muttered.

And then, she kissed him again.


	87. Intoxicated

**THE PAST**

June tried to be happy for her friend, she really did. She however believed Jordy could get much better than Emilio. She hadn't forgiven him for what he had done to Erik — not for a bit. She'd promised Erik not to tell anyone, but it was hard. Emilio had shown some cross-border behavior before, but in her eyes this had been a serious offence and it didn't sit right with her that Jordy was oblivious to this dark side of him. Although she doubted knowing truth would _really_ change Jordy's opinion about Emilio, for she clearly saw him through rose-colored glasses. Also, better than anyone did June know how it felt when your friend wasn't supporting your relationship, and the last thing she wanted was following in Beth's footsteps.

Jordy's relationship with Emilio however made her spent even more time with the boy. Not only during school; now it was weekend, Jordy invited Juan and her over to hang out at her place. June felt a little guilty because she'd tried to come up with excuses to decline Jordy's invitation to watch a movie. The twins however were at home and her mother needed no extra help, and so, she had eventually agreed to come while she was trying not to show Juan how reluctant she felt. Juan liked to hang out together. He was happy his friend was finally in a relationship, convinced that Jordy could only have positive influence on him. June decided to keep her thoughts to herself; she knew how important his friendship with Emilio was.

By now, June had been so many times at Jordy's place that she came around the back, using the spare key that was was hidden under the same stone for years. As always, the large house felt empty. Actually, June couldn't even remember the last time she'd seen Jordy's parents. The thought that her friend was so often alone, made her sad, and so she told herself once more that it was for the best that she was having a boyfriend now — even when Emilio was that boyfriend.

June and Juan hanged up their coats in the pantry. The last time the both of them had been inside the house, was during Jordy's pool party when they had been in a fight because Juan had tried to make her jealous by flirting with some other girl. The knowledge that Erik had been the reason for his behavior while they now knew he was gay, made it even more ridiculous.

They had been in quite some fights, June thought as she looked back to the past months. Nevertheless, the warm feeling in her chest hadn't left; now Juan's fingers were lacing with hers, she still felt butterflies.

They entered the door to the living room, where the other couple was sitting on the couch. A bit awkwardly June looked away; Jordy was on Emilio's lap and they were kissing quite passionately, whereby Emilio's hand had disappeared below Jordy's dress. Uncomfortably, she stared at her shoes.

"Hey, knock it off," Juan said, although his tone told her he was smirking.

"We thought it'be good to get you in the right mood, y'know?"

 _The right mood? For what?_

"We don't need your help with that." Juan squeezed her hand.

Emilio snorted, but instead of making a comment, he cried out in pain. As she looked up, she saw him rubbing his ribs while he was glaring at his girlfriend.

"June and I will pick the first movie. Go get us something to drink," Jordy said, pushing Emilio off the couch.

Juan decided to help his friend and June walked over to Jordy, who was standing in front of the dvd rack. They had watched a movie so many times that June believed she knew what movies were in it by heart, but she said nothing.

"What do you think?" Jordy asked. "Something romantic? 10 Things I Hate About You is still my favorite."

June got it. Just like Grease had always reminded her of her own situation with Juan, Jordy recognized her own parallels with this movie.

"Fine by me."

Jordy put the disc in the dvd-player. Crackling sounds left the kitchen; apparently the boys had found the chip bag instead of their drinks.

Not much later, the four of them were sitting on the U-shaped couch, a couple at both sides. Juan had wrapped his arms around her, giving her small kisses. Emilio tried to tie Jordy's hair to the heating pipe next to the couch while she complained about his stinky socks. Nevertheless, they were both laughing. She had to let go of it, she knew it. Maybe they would be all right. She couldn't affect the outcome anyway.

The movie started and June tried her best to focus her attention at the screen while leaning against Juan. Now she thought about it, they hadn't watched a lot of movies together. But she liked it, lying in his arms while the rest of the world seemed to disappear.

* * *

After the first movie the boys wanted a smoke break. Since the weather was good, Jordy and June decided to go outside as well. Emilio and Juan lit a fire in a fire pit, and the girls sat down at two chairs while they talked about June's birthday which she would celebrate within two weeks.

"You ever been high, June?" Emilio asked, sitting down next to her and offering her a blunt.

"No, thanks," she muttered.

She believed Emilio was annoying enough when he was _not_ intoxicated.

"Ah c'mon girl, live a bit for once! My homie loves to trip with his chick."

Her eyes shot to Juan, who was also holding a joint.

He winked at her. "If that was really true, I would have told you and not him."

June intertwined her fingers, feeling uncomfortable. She had never seen Juan smoke spot, even though she knew he did it occasionally.

"He only tells you that because he's such a gentleman," Emilio said in a teasing soft tone, while he leaned over her to give Jordy a joint. "But secretly, he wants you to go wild for once."

While he was still hovering over her, he started to kiss Jordy in a way that made her feel sick. Pushing him away from her, June glared at him.

Emilio just chuckled and continued to poke the fire. The smell of pot was so strong it exceeded that of the burning wood, and its scent made her feel nauseous.

"You neither want a hit?" Jordy asked.

June shook her head. She didn't feel happy about the fact that her friend was so easily joining them. As far as she knew, she had never smoked pot before she got together with Emilio. When she decided to go to Jordy's house, she never expected to be around three people who wouldn't be sober halfway the evening. June didn't say much while the other three started a conversation about all the stupid things they had done when they were high or drunk. It wasn't something she could participate in; she had never done that herself.

All in all she was relieved when they went inside to watch a second movie. She however didn't expect to understand much of the movie, for Jordy laughed exuberantly about everything Emilio said, and Emilio's voice was even louder than usually. Which was in contrast to Juan, who was just clingy, leaning against her the whole time.

"You don't mind do ya babe?" he whispered in her ear. "That I lit up one? 's Not that bad, y'know?" He kissed her earlobe, hugging her so tightly he almost crushed her.

June suppressed a sigh. She didn't like it and pushed him away with her shoulder.

He pouted. "You don't like me anymore?"

"You smell of pot," she grumbled.

He chuckled. "Guess I taste of it too. You want a taste?"

"No."

June was inclined to go home if he kept acting like this, but she couldn't give him a really good reason. She just wasn't sure what influence this would have on him; she didn't like him not being completely himself.

In an attempt to distract herself she looked at the screen. Another movie was playing, one promising a lot of action. Not something she liked a lot, but it had been up to the boys to choose a movie this time.

June kept her eyes on the screen. After a while Juan's head dropped on her shoulder and he breathed out deeply — he had fallen asleep. From the corner of her eyes she looked aside. His face was peaceful, and he had clutched his fingers around hers.

She let him be, hoping the effect of the pot would be gone once he woke up when the movie was over.

Not much later, June discovered that she was the only one watching the movie — even though she didn't even like it. She heard Jordy giggle, and when she turned her head aside, she saw that Emilio's hand had slipped underneath her dress again.

Again, she started to feel sick. Stubbornly she looked forward, but when she heard someone moan, she snapped her head aside. She only did so to convince herself she had heard it wrong, that she felt so awkward that she was imagining things, but when she saw that Jordy had tilted back her head and that Emilio was whispering in her ear while Jordy's dress was rolled up so high it exposed her legs completely, she felt shocked.

There was a sting in her stomach when Emilio caught her glance and smirked.

"If you want Juan to wake up you should shove his hand inside your pants. You're gonna love it, trust me. Just look at your friend, huh?"

Jordy chuckled quietly, mumbling words June couldn't hear.

June had enough of it. Tears were stinging in her eyes — she never thought she would feel so uncomfortable around two people who meant the world to her. Pushing Juan aside, she got up.

He slumped aside but didn't wake up.

June turned around, rushed to the kitchen and grabbed her coat. Hot tears glided down her cheeks while she closed the door behind her. All alone, she started to walk home.

Nobody — not her best friend, nor her boyfriend, cared about it.


	88. Real Friends

June wanted to go home, but she didn't dare to. Juan would go searching for her and ring the bell, even in the middle of the night. She was afraid that he would ride his bike while being high, ultimately crashing into a tree. That's why she was now sitting on the stairs leading to Jordy's front door. Her arms wrapped around her legs while she waited and waited. It was cold outside, she was shivering and she felt nauseous.

Emilio and Jordy were in a relationship for only one week and already everything felt different. Was Juan going to smoke pot every time they'd hang out from now on? She thought of Emilio's smirk when his hand had been between Jordy's legs. He had done so on purpose, he had _wanted_ herto react like this.

And what would it mean for her friendship with Jordy? Could she tell her what Emilio had done, or would it feel like she was attacking her boyfriend? She didn't like not being able to tell everything to her friend. At first to respect Erik's privacy and now because she was afraid to cause friction between Jordy and her boyfriend. But did it mean she just had to swallow everything?

An hour went by.

Two hours.

Finally, her phone rang. June had been staring forward for such a long time her limbs felt numb. A shiver rolled down her spine as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. It was Juan. Without saying anything, she took the call.

"June? June where are you? Emilio told me you went to the restroom but that's a long time ago." His voice sounded panicking and she suppressed a sigh. The drugs didn't make his anxiety any better.

"I'm outside, I'm sitting on the stairs to the front door."

"Oh." A long silence followed. "Why?"

"Can we just go home?" she asked in a bitter voice.

"Okay." Juan sounded defeated. "I'm coming."

Juan was not the only one who was coming; Jordy and Emilio followed him, the latter raising his eyebrow when their eyes met. He was such an asshole. How was it possible that both Juan and Jordy couldn't see it? She didn't understand.

"Why you're here?" Emilio asked.

Hypocrite. She clenched her jaw. "You know why."

He opened his mouth to answer, but June didn't wait for his reply. She descended the stairs and waited for Juan on the sidewalk.

"Junie..." Jordy ran down the stairs. She almost tripped over her feet, but she regained her balance. Her friend flung her arms around June. "What's going on?"

"I'll tell you later," June muttered. "You're not sober."

"I barely drank. And..."

"Please, Jordy." The tears were stinging in her eyes. "I just wanna go home, okay? I'm waiting for over two hours until my boyfriend finally realizes I'm not even on his side."

"You could've gone home too, ya know?" Emilio said, still in front of the door.

"And risking him to crash into a tree?"

Juan went down the stairs in silence. There was a mixture of regret and incomprehension in his eyes. "It was only one blunt," he muttered.

June said nothing. She didn't want to have another fight. She might be overreacting too; she was tired and angry and hurt. She muttered a goodbye to Jordy and started to walk towards her house. Juan appeared next to her. His hand searched for hers, but she'd crossed her arms. In the end he laid his hand on the small of her back. They didn't speak until they went to bed.

* * *

Again, he had ruined it. He didn't even know what he had done wrong this time. He'd fallen asleep during the movie, but that couldn't be the reason that she was mad, right?

She'd turned her back towards him. Even though he felt the urge to snuggle up to her, he didn't dare to. Ever since the night they'd gone after Erik, something between them had broken and it healed only very slowly. Sometimes he had good hopes, but it felt like the tiniest disagreement could force them to start over again. He barely dared to take initiative, he neither dared to bring up the subject. But maybe he had to. He ate poorly, he couldn't sleep at night and his stress levels were far too high. He understood that she needed time, but he started to doubt if he could really give her that time. _Really_ give her that time. His own insecurities were in his way; the whole time, he had the feeling that he was making things worse. Should he do more to show her how much he loved her? How sorry he felt? Should he spend more time with Erik, hoping that _he_ could forgive him? All these insecurities, it wore him down, made him wonder whether he was capable of being in a relationship at all. Every choice he made, seem to have far-reaching consequences. Smoking pot had led to this. Within two weeks she would turn seventeen and he was stressing over a present for days. He wanted to show her how much he loved her, but how? He really didn't know. He didn't think Mateo and Emilio could provide him real advice and Riley told him the idea had to come from him. _He_ was her boyfriend, he should know what she liked instead of figuring out what girlfriends 'in general' liked. And maybe she was right. But what if June _didn't_ like his present? What would it say about them? It felt like some kind of ordeal, a test to see if this would lead anywhere or not.

Also this night, it kept turning over and over in his head. Hour after hour passed by at the alarm clock. At 7, he heard voices downstairs; apparently, the twins were already up. Should he go to them? He really wanted some distraction. Without making any sound, he lifted the blankets and slipped from underneath them. He picked up his cloths from the night before, scrunching his nose when he smelled the smoke of the fireplace. He however had no other clothes around here, so he had to struggle through the shame.

After freshening up in the bathroom, he went downstairs.

"Hi Juan!" April greeted him from the couch. "We're watching Rugrats! You want to join us?" The girl shoved away from her sister and patted on the grey fabric so he could sit between the two girls.

His glance wandered off to Hannah, who offered him a warm smile. A little uncomfortably he kept stalling. Could he tell her what was going on between June and him? His own mother would only dismiss him.

"Why don't we make a morning stroll?" Hannah suggested, giving him the feeling she picked up on his longing for a mother heart.

"But I want to watch tv!" April objected.

"I don't mind to take a walk with you," Juan said quickly.

The woman gave him a wink.

Juan took the wheelchair and pushed it towards the bed before taking her coat from the hallway. It had to be a little chilly outside, so he picked up the doily from the end of the bed and draped it across Hannah's legs once she sat in the wheelchair.

"See you soon," Hannah said to the girls.

For a while Juan walked in silence. He hadn't done it on purpose, but when he reached the bench where they'd sit a few months ago as well, when his brother was in prison, he felt a blush creep to his cheeks. He was making it too obvious that something was bothering him.

A little later he was sitting on the edge of the bench, the wheelchair standing next to it. With her fragile fingers, Hannah took his hand. "There's a tension between you two for weeks," she said. "June refuses to talk about it. You can do so as well, but if there's something you want off your chest, I will always listen to you, Juan."

Juan bit his lip. He stared at the ducks in the pool. "I did something horrible," he said. "Together with Emilio and my brother. They – they're the ones who did it. But I watched and did nothing about it." Bending his head, he fidgeted with the stitching on the side of his jeans. "June needs time to forgive me. And I want to give her that time... but I have the feeling we're only drifting away from each other. Yesterday she left our movie night, she was mad... I had fallen asleep, I didn't notice..." His voice trailed off and he took a deep breath. "Sometimes... sometimes I think my mom's right. That I – that I can never give her what she deserves."

Hannah squeezed his hand. "Listen to me very carefully, my dear. As a mother, I believe my daughter deserves the best man in the world. You will fall short – every human being falls short. But what's more important, is that you _want_ to give her all you can. That you long to be a better boyfriend, a better person. Everyone makes mistakes. You do. She does. I know how much June loves you. But she finds it hard to forgive, especially when someone has hurt the ones she loves. She hasn't spoken to her father in years. He gives up quickly, he accepts his loss. June needs someone who fights for her, who keeps showing her how much he loves her. Your father walked out on you too, you know the insecurity it causes. But that's what makes you such a strong couple." With a smile, she looked up to him. "You have the same insecurities, the same fears. But also the same love. Hold onto that. Be patient, be understanding and remember that she doesn't want to lose you. You make her happier than she's been in years."

Her words were like a warm bath in which he wanted to immerse himself. On a whim, he leaned towards the fragile woman and embraced her carefully.

* * *

June looked up when her bedroom door opened. For a moment she believed Juan had gone home because she was such a drama queen. After all, he had no idea what had made her so upset.

"You're awake," he spoke softly.

He came to sit next to her, the mattress dipped. June sat up straight too. He took her hands in his and looked at her with an insecure but warm look in his eyes.

"Will you tell me what happened last night?"

June bit her lip. She found it hard to criticize his best friend. But Juan was her boyfriend. She should be able to tell hem everything, right? Quietly, she nodded.

Stroking his knuckle with her thumb she searched for words. "I don't like it when you three are high," she started. "It's just... scary. When you all stretch your boundaries. You would have climbed on your bike without thinking twice. And I was just afraid that you – wouldn't be yourself. It stressed me out." She wet her lips. Maybe it would have been better to drink some water before she started to talk. "You were clingy, absent – and eventually you fell asleep. But Emilio..." A shiver crept down her spine. Her voice fell until she was whispering. "Jordy and he were sitting close to us. And his... his hand was in her panties. He was satisfying her while I was sitting next to them and I know he did it on purpose. He was watching me, waiting for my response. He was even _smirking_ at me. Told me I should shove your hand in my pants too because I would like it."

Again, she started to feel sick. Skittishly she looked up. Juan's face was grim.

"I know he's your best friend. But I still don't feel comfortable around him and now he's with Jordy, it's even worse. He _wanted_ to upset me. And Jordy is changing because of him. She never used to smoke pot, and she would never be so intimate with other people around. And I don't dare to say something about it for I don't want to be like Beth. She's so in love with him..."

"I'm sorry you have seen that. You should have woken me up, then we could have left." Juan brushed her cheek. "I will talk to Emilio about this and I won't smoke pot when you're around okay?"

She looked into his worried eyes; there was a flicker of anger inside them now. Relief washed over her because he was on her side. Maybe she should have woken him up, but at that moment she had no idea how he would respond. It could have made things worse. She just didn't know him when he was intoxicated, it made him unpredictable.

"Just don't walk away next time, June," Juan said after a brief hesitation. "Stand up for yourself, tell them when they're doing things you don't like. Also at the moment itself. We feel more relaxed after smoking put, but we ain't under some spell or something." He lifted her hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it. "And feel free to talk about Emilio with Jordy. You two are best friends. You're supposed to tell each other _everything,_ like I can say whatever I want to Emilio. Whether he likes it or not doesn't matter."

June nodded slowly. He was right. Real friends told each other everything. Tomorrow, she would talk about this with Jordy.

Leaning forward, she gave him a soft kiss on his lips, grateful for his understanding.

"I know things are a little strained between us right now." She searched for Juan's eyes, saw his doubts, his longings. "But know that I can't lose you."

He showed her a nervous smile before pulling her in his arms and holding her tight.


	89. Valuable Lessons

Already during his way from his Chevrolet Impala to the front door, he was about to turn around and go back multiple times. He didn't even know what he was going to do here. Okay, that was bullshit. He knew it all too well. But it was stupid and dangerous and above all stupid. She might chase him away. Verbally, that is. After all, she couldn't even take three steps. He felt ashamed of his thoughts and it didn't add to his confidence at all. This however was an idea that had been on his mind for weeks and now he was sure that June was not at home, he wanted to take his chances.

For he didn't _really_ have anything to lose...

Worst case scenario she didn't want her daughter to see him anymore. Which was a little bit complicated by the fact that Juan was living with him, but they could work their way around that.

In the meantime he had reached the door. He laid his hand on the wood, which felt weathered under his palm. Were the twins still awake? Or would he scare the shit out of that woman by entering her home? He had taken Juan's key; his little brother was so busy with June celebrating her 17th birthday that he wasn't going to miss it.

Mateo could also ring the doorbell, but it was past nine. The twins might be asleep and he didn't want her to come to the door. What if she collapsed halfway? How ironic would that be, if the woman died because he was visiting her while it was his purpose to do the opposite.

"Fucking hell," he grumbled to himself. "Stop bein' such a wuss."

He had no idea what was going on with him. Last time he had visited June's house at Thanksgiving, he'd been nervous too. Somehow mothers and little sisters were obviously getting on his nerves, although everything had gone well that day.

Mateo pushed away his doubts and put the key in the hole, turned it around and opened the door. He caught himself walking carefully, as if his footsteps would trigger an alarm. He knocked at the door and opened it on a crack.

Fortunately, she was awake.

If not, he would have felt like a complete creep.

"Uh, hey," he muttered. "I stole Juan's key."

Most mothers would narrow their eyes in suspicion, but not Hannah. She offered him a warm smile. Which was ten times worse, somehow. Mothers warned their daughters for guys like him — but well, June wasn't his girlfriend. That helped.

"Good evening, Mateo. Please, come in."

And so he did, with due trepidation. He shoved his hands in his pockets, hoping to find back a bit of his confidence, for he really hated how he felt right now. Walking over to the bed, he looked around. What now? Did she expect a kiss or something?

A tense silence fell. Again he was bothered by the same thought; _What the hell are you doing here?_

This was a mistake. He should kept himself out of this.

"Did they chase you out of your apartment?" Hannah asked with a small smile. If it bothered her that he didn't greet her decently, she didn't show it. Her light tone however made the longing to leave disappear.

"Sorta. Gonna go back soon."

They celebrated June's birthday, so it wouldn't exactly be a wild party. No strippers and no booze. He wouldn't miss much if he would go there within an hour; he thought the present he'd bought with Emilio was going to be the highlight of the evening. Thinking about that while he was standing in front of June's mother, gave him an awkward feeling.

The woman must wonder what the hell he was doing here.

"Is there something I can help you with, Mateo?"

She though he was here for help? The idea alone made him cringe. Did she believe he was here because he needed someone to vent to? Because he needed a mother figure, just like his little brother? No, that's not why he was here. He didn't need an comforting arm or sweet words. On the contrary, _he_ wanted to offer his help.

"No," he said. "But I thought... Maybe I can help _you._ June told me about your disease and Juan said there are better meds than the ones you use now, but that you can't afford them."He rubbed his neck. "So uh, I know people, you know. Asked around for a bit. Figured I can get the meds. And... money for 'em." He bit the inside of his cheek.

Hannah wasn't stupid. He didn't have to explain to her that he wouldn't get the money or the medicines in a legal way.

There was not an expression of disgust on her face. "I appreciate your help, Mateo, but I don't want to cause any trouble for you or your brother."

"I'm not stupid," he grunted. "I'll make sure I won't get caught." Hesitating, he added: "It's not like I've never done this before."

Hannah held his glance, seemingly trying to read him. "I would never want somebody else to fall on the wrong path because of me."

"No," he answered without breaking eye contact. "Not because of you. Because of your daughters, who've already lost their father."

The look in Hannah's eyes became sad and she sighed softly.

Mateo continued. "You know ma treats us like shit. For the first time in his life, Juan has someone — a mother — who cares about him. Even in those few months that Juan and June are together, it has a huge impact on him." He studied her face, saw that the woman had discovered that too. "I'm not a decent guy," he said. "And I ain't gonna pretend that I am. I have my ways to make money. I needed to make sure my little brother has a roof above his head, and hat he isn't dressed like some punk like I used to be. After all those shitty years there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. If getting those meds means that you have one more year to live, it's the greatest gift I can give him. And not only him. Also June. And the little girls."

Hannah sighed softly, leaned back in the pillows and closed her eyes.

* * *

Already at the moment that June told her what Juan's brother had done to Jordy's cousin, Hannah had known what a protective type he was. Nothing kept him from protecting the ones he loved. Hannah knew this urge to protect — she also had had a little sister. Elly. Who had died at a very young age, while Hannah had done everything in her power to save her from drowning. At that fateful day she had fallen short, even when she was only 8 years old.

And now, she was falling short again. She had a few more months, two years at most... It wouldn't be much longer and she had to let go of her children. And they were still so young, in the middle of their lives, with so many obstacles to overcome. Every day was valuable, a learning experience, the ability to write something in the hearts of her children, something they would always carry with them.

And now, this 19 year old boy offered her the chance to give more to her children. And to that sweet Juan — who indeed craved for the love of a mother. Who she wanted to know so much better, to whom she wanted to show what a wonderful person he was.

But she knew all too well his ways weren't legal. Was that what she wanted to teach her children? The dilemma weighed heavily on her shoulders. She thought about her sweet girls, to whom she had to say goodbye one day.

"I can't do it, Mateo," she said eventually, sighing. "What kind of example would I set?"

"They never have to know. Consider it as a gift from me."

It wasn't that simple.

"It ain't drugs money," he said. "Nor does it come from a brothel." He bit his cheek, in his eyes she read the fear to be judged. "I just have some computer skills. Take some money from accounts that are overloaded anyway. Like Robin Hood, ya know? Stealin' from the rich, givin' it to the poor..." He shrugged his shoulders. "There are lots a people out there who can use a lil help in sharin'."

Her lips curled in a sympathetic smile. "I've always found it important to follow my heart and that's what I will do know. I really appreciate your offer. To help your brother. My daughters. But it doesn't feel right to let a 19 year old boy steal so I can get more expensive medication of which we don't even know if it will make a difference. I'm grateful for every day that is given to me and my children. Each day is a gift, it's not a right. One day it will be over — and although I think it's horrible that I'm sick, I do get the time to prepare my children for my departure and to write things in their hearts. Things other parents don't take the time for, because they don't realize that life can be over in a second. I've accepted my fate, Mateo. When my time comes, so be it. I don't want you to move into the dark part of our society and get into trouble just to give me a few more days. When I'm no longer here, Juan will need you. June will need you. The thought that you might be behind bars again, terrifies me. Juan was very worried about you, Mateo."

Mateo sighed, his shoulders slumped.

He looked defeated. It was a hard lesson, learning that there were things you _can't_ give to your loved ones. He was only 19 years old and he already carried more on his shoulders than most adults did. She wanted to encourage him to stay on the right track, but she knew it had to come from him.

"You are an amazing brother, Mateo. Please remember that your little brother looks up to you." Her smile became sad. "My three year old sister saw me swimming one day," she said quietly. "She imitated me — and she drowned."

Mateo looked up, she saw the shock in his eyes.

"You might be able to withstand the waves, to stand steady on the ground, but that is not a guarantee that the same goes for your brother. Before you know it, he jumps after you without knowing how to keep his head above the water while you are too far away to save him."

Uncomfortable, the boy turned his head away, staring through the window until he found back his determination. "Okay. No meds, I got it."

That wasn't the essence of what she'd wanted to tell him, but his face told her that he had gotten the message. There were other things on his mind, he wasn't ready to review his own behavior to see what effect it has on his brother.

It was okay. Things like that needed time.

"I uh — I gotta go. Before June's soda party is over."

"Have fun, my boy. Do not forget that this door is always open for you." She gave him a weak smile. "Although, as it seems, you've already given yourself a key."

His cheeks flushed slightly. "Uh yeah — I was afraid you'd have to leave your bed otherwise."

"It's okay," she winked. "Like I said: the door is always open for you and your brother."

Mateo lifted he corner of his mouth, said goodbye and walked way. A few moments later, she heard the front door close. She smiled, although her smile faded as she wondered how it was possible that their mother couldn't see what a loving, protective sons she had.


	90. Author's Note

Dear readers,

Since I have twenty (!) unfinished stories which I still try to update, I have decided to focus on two stories at the same time and finish them one by one – which means multiple chapters a week. I've decided to let my readers decide what stories I'm going to finish first, so please leave a comment on this chapter if you want me to work on this one. I will finish all my stories, but it might take a long while before I return to the ones there aren't much people interested in.

For the amazing readers who read multiple of my works, sorry for the spam!

(I know many readers aren't comfortable with commenting, so leaving a (-) or something does the job too. ;D)


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